Monday, December 5, 2011

Wanting What I Can't Have 4Dec2011

Lately, I've been feeling pretty frustrated by my seeming inability to connect and relate with other men, more specifically to men who don't experience same gender attraction.  I'm guessing a good majority of it is simply lies, false judgments, or fears around things that have happened in the past.  My biggest fear is around one thing: touch.

My primary love language is touch.  That means that I generally feel most loved when I'm getting the right kind of touch.  I don't mean anything sexual or romantic.  Simple things like having an arm put around my shoulder or a hug can go a long way.  I judge that men in American society are afraid of showing any kind of physical affection with another man.  I judge they are afraid of being labeled as 'homosexual', 'queer', 'gay', etc.  I'm afraid to show any kind of physical affect, well anything more than brief contact, for the same fear of being 'discovered'.  I've thought many times: I wish I could just snuggle up to with this man.  I get images of a cat, a puppy, or a small child that gets to snuggle up with the person.  There's nothing sexual about it in my mind, at least at first.  Really, all I want is simply some loving, affecitonate touch from another man.

Now, when that desire/need/want/whatever to connect with another man via touch gets frustrated in some way, then things start to go haywire.  It can get frustrated by me listening to those lies and being too afraid to ask.  It can also be frustrated if the man I experience that desire toward is a man that I see only once, or perhaps it is a man that I hardly get to see at all.  In one case, it's a man that I've had some past 'sexual' experiences with, and has requested that we not spend time together.  When the frustration sets in, the craving for the touch doesn't go away, instead it starts to go haywire.  It could become a sexual idea.  I could have fantasies about it.  I could end up going numb or distant from my need for touch.  Basically, it's not very healthy for me.

Am I wanting something that I just can't have?  I've thought many times that the other gender attracted men around me just aren't equipped to give me what I want/need/desire.  I've consigned myself to accepting the what men are able to give me.

Now, I'm not saying that I have no opportunities at all for healthy touch.  It seems to primary come from two sources: men who also experience same gender attraction and children (I know a little girl that loves to have snuggle time with me).  I sometimes feel like I'm ungrateful for the opportunites for healthy touch that I do get, because I find myself wanting/longing for something more, something else.

Well, tonight I got pretty desperate for some kind of 'cuddle buddy' so I decided to do a Google Search on it.  That's when I found this post by a man (I stole the title of the post for this blog post):

I was surprised that there was a man who was sexually attracted to women, but who also liked to have 'cuddle time' with other men, a straight man who's love language was touch, but wasn't weirded out by touching other men.  I was blown away by the story.  As I laid down to sleep.  I came to feel that maybe it was the Lord's way of saying 'Hey, I know what you need.  Have hope.  There are men like that out there.'  I remember praying that I could somehow find someone like that.

I hope the Lord answers my prayer.  Really, the whole touch/cuddle desire of mine has very little to do with sex.  It's all about wanting to feel loved and affirmed by another man.  Although sometimes it does feel like I want something that I can't have.  Can't have because it's "against the gospel" or can't have because I haven't found the right man to do that with.  I'll try to have hope.  I just wish it didn't take so long for some prayers to be answered.

1 comment:

  1. On my mission I was in a 4-man apartment for a while and one of the other elders was a fantastic, straight (and gorgeous) man who I became very close friends with. We snuggled often at night before going to bed. It wasn't awkward, it wasn't sexual, it just filled that need and it was wonderful. He's happily married today and I was the best man at his wedding. We are still close friends and were able to have that touch dimension of our friendship. I've met a few others like that.

    Frankly, I'm scared of cuddling with other men I know have SSA (even though none of them know that I have it) because I'm so terrified of things potentially going too far or something I guess. I feel secure and safe having those needs met by a straight guy who also connects with men that way.