This is my second post in a series of three posts about names that I've gone by over the years. I am afraid to make this post, because it means I'm one step closer to the third post. That third post where I will share the name that was given to me at my birth.
Today is an important name for me. It's about a name that's evolved over time.
Way back in the day, we had a series of computer games on our computer. They were arcade games. After the game was played, a person could enter in their name for a high score. One of my older sisters would always sign 'The Master'. At that age, I somehow decided that I was better at games than her. I wanted to 'one-up' her name somehow. I decided that the only thing better than 'The Master' would be 'The Ultimate Master'. And thus, I first started to call myself TUM.
When we got older, my brothers and I would start to play 'role playing' games of sorts. It started out with us teaming up to defeat the 'bad guys'. Before long, we each gave ourselves different names and adopt different personalities. The youngest was a warrior who liked to lead. The middle brother took on a sort of warrior/force user of sorts who tended to keep to himself. I took on the role of a wizard who had gone mad. One of things he did was randomly decide to attack his brothers in arms. I called myself 'Tum'.
As time went on, each of the personalities changed. As I've reflected back on those times, I came to realize that the persona that I took on was a part of my personality that I had a difficult time tapping into. Tum, as it were, was a part of my personality. Later on, his name was changed to TUMM, which stood for 'The Ultimate Master of Magic'.
Tumm was an embodiment of anger. He preferred to dress himself in black robes. His robes were often blood stained from the many fights that he had endured. He was angry, full of rage toward anyone. He could explode on the smallest insult. One of the 'insults' that people would do was misspell his name, instead spelling it with one 'm'. On top of being angry, Tumm was cruel, sadistic, and relentless. He would stop at nothing to achieve his goals. He was also unpredictable. Sometimes he would explode with anger, and other times he would let it simmer. Sometimes he would attack directly, other times he would come at his target sideways, with trickery and deception. Deception was one of his most powerful tools. He hardly would fight fair unless he was sure he could win, or taunt his opponent into dropping their guard to make them more vulnerable. Many times, as Tumm, I would taunt and tease my younger brothers, especially the youngest, in an attempt to incite rage. He was a much easier 'opponent' when he was out of control with rage. Tumm was also the most powerful magician around. His power was unmatched. He was also immortal of sorts. Once slain, he would eventually reform. He was a permanent fixture of the world. Underneath all the anger, Tumm was really a deeply wounded man. He was made an outsider from a young age. His own father disowned him. His younger brother took up the throne that should have belonged to him. Because he chose a path of magic, he was ostracized from a society that worshiped and idealized a more direct or warrior-like approach to fighting.
I think the following may best describe how I've seen Tumm. Imagine a man dressed in black, blood stained robes. Power immeasurable swirls around him. He has a confident, cocky grin on his face. His eyes smolder with anger. He is a man that is dangerous and uncontrollable.
Sometimes I feel like the words I have to describe him don't work. It's hard to state the sense of awe and power he has. All my life, I've been afraid of Tumm. He's been a demon inside to chain. His anger was destructive when I lost control of it. I feel that he's hurt and destroyed many a relationship of mine. Let me reword that: I've hurt and destroyed many a relationship. As I've explored him, I realize that Tumm is my inner locus of power. He is my sense of the masculine. He's the one that sees clearly. He know friend from foe at a glance. He is powerful. He makes things happen. He is magical. He is confident.
As I've learned to channel him appropriately, he has protected me. Or in other words, I've protected myself, and kept myself safe by listening to what my inner 'Tumm' says about other people. After all, I think I have a gut sense that lets me know when things are safe or not. My anger tells me of when I feel safe or not. And much like Tumm, I too have deep wounds inside that I use anger to protect.
As for the magic part, I do have power to change my environment. To those who don't understand that power, it is like magic. I also know how to program computers, and sometimes, it's like magic to me.
Well, that wraps up the second post in this series. The third and final post will come at the time when I'm not terrified of everyone knowing who's blog this is. Then again, I have a nagging feeling most people know who writes this blog.