I'm having a hard time coming up with a title for this post. I think it's mostly a random collection of thoughts that I've been having lately.
First, I'm very grateful for a number of things that are happening in my life. I feel like I'm facing and trying to root out some deep set lies I've told myself. I've also started to feel again the love that Heavenly Father has for me. Also, I've had some really good hugs lately. It seems it's been awhile since hugging has felt good for me.
On another hand, life has been a struggle. I've been facing loneliness. I've been struggling with sinning and giving in to temptation. Even thought I'm blessed with a degree of physical agility and balance, it feels like I'm very clumsy with relationships.
This morning, I was thinking about a number of different friendships that have changed 'for the worse' in my opinion. I also thought of a number of friendships that just didn't work out for me. I thought that I was the one responsible for all of it. The thought 'I ruin everything!' entered into my mind. That's when a second voice started. It said 'Sure, you may ruin things, but that's what the Atonement is for. It's to fix things'. Angrily I thought to myself 'That's no excuse!' That's when the voice replied 'It's not an excuse; it's a mercy'. I've been pondering on that idea for a long time. The fact that I can repent is a mercy granted to me. I may struggle with the same sins, the same mistakes over and over again. That's fine. I'm not perfect. Each time I repent doesn't have to be the ultimate final time to find mercy.
There's another thing I am grateful for. I have about 6 different CDs of music in my car, and I've set the CD player to random. Lately, it's been playing the Bayonetta CD far more than all of the other ones. I finally took the time last night to finalize my own personal mix of the songs I enjoyed the most. I put it in the car this morning. When the CD started playing, the first song it played was 'Blood & Darkness'. In the past when the song had played, I could only think of what was going on in that game when the song was playing. It was the final battle between Bayonetta and another witch named Jeanne. It always seemed to be about their struggle. Oddly, when the music was playing, it felt like it was more about my struggle in life. It feels like I'm there fighting against the Darkness of life. Where does the Blood come in? The Blood could easily represent the blood of the Lamb that was spilled for me. It can represent the power of the Atonement that fights on my side against the darkness. I am once again amazed at how gospel truths can show up nearly anywhere if I look hard enough for them.
Maybe I do make mistakes. Maybe I have broken some good friendships. Maybe I did push too far in a few relationships. The Atonement is there to heal me, to bind up my wounds, and give me the power to fight against the evil of the world. I'm not alone in this. None of us are alone in this.
I will be writing up a post about the song 'Blood & Darkness' as well as a few other from the Bayonetta soundtrack that I've liked. When it's written, it will be linked here.