I'll just preface this, by saying that I really relate to the first verse of this song.
(You'll have to watch this one directly on YouTube)
I'll admit to a deep dark secret. I'm a very judgmental person. In some ways, I am idealist. I have idea of how thing are supposed to be and how people are 'supposed' to act. I find myself pointing the finger of judgment to the people around me.
That person should not have made that left turn!
That person ran a red light! (Traffic violations tend to be a pet peeve of mine)
That person took advantage of me!
The people around me don't befriend me!
That person just won't leave me alone!
Just some examples of the sort of things that go through my head. I often find myself repenting in the car and feeling guilty for judging the people around me so harshly. Perhaps that judgmental attitude keeps me from getting close to other people. Instead of opening my arms to help, I'm pointing a finger at them and keep them at bay.
I've been trying to be aware of this. Instead of thinking that a person is an idiot for running a red light, I try to say 'That action was idiotic." I try to separate behaviors from the worth and goodness that people have in them.
I'm one to complain that people in the church aren't very Christlike, that they are judgmental, unfriendly, and distant. I am a hypocrite. I am the one that is mean, judgmental, unfriendly, distant, and cold to the people at Church. If I want the church to be Christlike, loving, and friendly, then perhaps I should be the one to be loving, kind, and friendly. Perhaps if I am that way, I can make a small change in the world. And that small change would be me.
Feel free to leave comments, questions, confessions, etc, below. Comments are moderated, but I read them all.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Thursday, March 21, 2013
My Strange Dreams - Night of 21Mar2013
I'm surprised I even slept! I went to bed late, and woke up at 2. I couldn't figure out for the life of me for the longest time, with my sleep fogged brain, why I was waking up. Then I realized it was because I was super hot! After resolving that, I collapsed into sleep again.
I dreamed.
It was snowing. We were all out shoveling our driveway. The next door neighbor and elderly couple, was out there shoveling too. My mom stated that she wished she had a snow blower like the couple next door. I looked over and they were shoveling I commented on that. Finally, when we were nearly done, the couple got out their snow blower to blow off what little snow was left on their driveway. I thought it was funny they were doing it like that. It was warm, and the snow was melting everywhere. I took a big pile of snow, and threw it off into the middle of the street. My little brother picked up another pile, and was about to throw it onto our grass when I said 'No! Throw it out into the street! It will melt faster that way'. So he did. We finished throwing all the piles of snow into the street.
My little brother and his wife and I were all going to some kind of play/choir event. My little brother told me that he had set me up with a girl, and that she was pretty aggressive. I went and sat down next to her. I remember she had long, straight brown hair and was wearing jeans. As soon as I sat down, she said 'I wish I was having a back massage.' I looked at her and said 'No thanks'. I was feeling a little ticked off because she was being so forward. Then she just turned in her seat and placed her legs into my lap. I was quite shocked and angry at that. Again I said 'No thanks'. She then sat up. She looked pretty angry too. She leaned in close to me and said 'Wouldn't it hurt to let someone in close? Are you afraid of being hurt again?' At that point, I felt my anger dissolve into sadness and hurt. I told myself that she couldn't understand, and I tried to think of how I would explain why I felt so hurt and cared about close relationships. Eventually, I just got up and left.
I dreamed.
It was snowing. We were all out shoveling our driveway. The next door neighbor and elderly couple, was out there shoveling too. My mom stated that she wished she had a snow blower like the couple next door. I looked over and they were shoveling I commented on that. Finally, when we were nearly done, the couple got out their snow blower to blow off what little snow was left on their driveway. I thought it was funny they were doing it like that. It was warm, and the snow was melting everywhere. I took a big pile of snow, and threw it off into the middle of the street. My little brother picked up another pile, and was about to throw it onto our grass when I said 'No! Throw it out into the street! It will melt faster that way'. So he did. We finished throwing all the piles of snow into the street.
My little brother and his wife and I were all going to some kind of play/choir event. My little brother told me that he had set me up with a girl, and that she was pretty aggressive. I went and sat down next to her. I remember she had long, straight brown hair and was wearing jeans. As soon as I sat down, she said 'I wish I was having a back massage.' I looked at her and said 'No thanks'. I was feeling a little ticked off because she was being so forward. Then she just turned in her seat and placed her legs into my lap. I was quite shocked and angry at that. Again I said 'No thanks'. She then sat up. She looked pretty angry too. She leaned in close to me and said 'Wouldn't it hurt to let someone in close? Are you afraid of being hurt again?' At that point, I felt my anger dissolve into sadness and hurt. I told myself that she couldn't understand, and I tried to think of how I would explain why I felt so hurt and cared about close relationships. Eventually, I just got up and left.
Friday, February 22, 2013
My Strange Dreams 21-22Feb2013
It's been a long while since I've posted up some of the weird dreams I get. Here goes:
I was at my grandparents house, and there were some people attacking the house with guns. I don't think they ever fired, but they were invading our house. Someone told me to run, so I ran to the back of the house and tried to find somewhere to hide. I skirted around a concrete structure and ended up hiding on the other side of a trampoline by laying in the grass. I knew I was in plain site, and I didn't move at all. I was terrified they would find me. Then they showed up. One of the men had an assault rifle. They just walked past me, and didn't seem to acknowledge me. Then they told my grandfather that this was just a drill, and that this would happen if he defied them.
I was in the back of a black SUV. The driver was a big man who looked like the 'Rock'. We were driving at a normal pace when I noticed a school bus behind us swerve to the right and start driving on a road parallel to ours. Apparently, serial killers were being sent to kill us. I was scared. The driver said something about the bus trying to get ahead of us, so he kept driving faster and faster as I felt more and more fear. Finnally the bus pulled back in behind us. I looked back at the bus, and saw that the serial killer was a woman with brownish red hair. I tried to pretend to shoot a gun at her with my fingers, but she just smiled at that. At some point, there was a collision, and I was out of the SUV. I just laid on the ground and pretended to be dead. At one point the serial killer, was standing by me, but I did my best to hold still, breath lightly, and keep my eyes from blinking so I looked dead. She then walked away. I thought I heard faint sounds of someone fighting, and the big guy from before came back. I pulled myself up, and he said something that I would always be my own predator (speaking about my fear and cowardice). We were then at a place to spend the night. There was only one twin bed. I was still pretty worked up, and I really wanted the big guy to just put his arms around me as we went to be so I could feel safe enough to fall asleep. I never mustered up the courage to ask, and just felt anxious about it.
Then we were in a hallway, and he had to go into a meeting with two other guys to talk about things. He told me to stay outside. I was bored, so I wondered down the hall to a men's restroom. As I approached, two different girls walked in and then walked out. Feeling nervous, I moved all the way to the end urinal to use it. Reminded me of an earlier portion of the dream where there were stalls right next to each other, but the walls were really low. Two married couples were having a conversation while sitting, fully clothed, on the toilet seats.
[Begin earlier dream]
Earlier in the week I had a dream that I was back at a high school. It was between classes, and I wandered in a locker room simply to be there and see the other guys. At one point, I did get undessed, then I noticed that there were a bunch of young men and women having some sort of activity in the locker room. Still naked, I walked around the locker room and apparently into a store that was a part of the school. I wandered the articles, trying to keep myself covered, and searched for a place to change. At one point, someone walked by and said that being naked in the school was against the rules. Then I found another guy who helped me find the locker room again. I went in, and found that the activity was still going on. I tried a stall, but the floor was covered in water and I didn't want to change there. Then, I kept searching and found a really dark hallway that I wandered down. I kept walking, and didn't see anyone. I stopped at a turn in the hallway, and considered the spot for dressing. A door behind me opened briefly and then slammed shut. I was pretty scared about that.
[End dream]
I was back in the bedroom, and instead of the previous big guy that I had been with, it was another guy. I got into my pajamas and tried to sleep, but it was too hot and I was sweaty. The other guy got into bed fully clothed. I thought that was weird.
There was a closet that we opened, and there was a box that tried to shoot something at us. I waved my hand and deflected whatever it was with my mind. Now, I had the ability to deflect things with my mind, and I was a girl. We were trying to find something that other people wanted. If they knew, then we would get killed. The door opened, and a man pointed a gun at me. I made the same gesture and knocked the gun to point away from me. Then we realized he was friendly and we went to some kind of gala food event.
Apparently it was for a nation, and they were excited about finding the thing. After an announcement, we all looked up to see a bunch of white bird with purple feathery things around them. Everyone was shouting excitedly as the birds were released to fly away. Then trains of white flying horses (called white dolphins) were leaving with small kids riding on them.
Then someone had figured it out. A guy with a sword came up to a post and spun around, releasing energy in a spin attack that generated 10,000,000 EU, apparently what was needed to activate the post.
---
Yeah, It was some really weird dreams. Honestly, it feels like the dreams were teasing or taunting me in some fashion, or possibly I've just been obsessing about some things too much.
I was at my grandparents house, and there were some people attacking the house with guns. I don't think they ever fired, but they were invading our house. Someone told me to run, so I ran to the back of the house and tried to find somewhere to hide. I skirted around a concrete structure and ended up hiding on the other side of a trampoline by laying in the grass. I knew I was in plain site, and I didn't move at all. I was terrified they would find me. Then they showed up. One of the men had an assault rifle. They just walked past me, and didn't seem to acknowledge me. Then they told my grandfather that this was just a drill, and that this would happen if he defied them.
I was in the back of a black SUV. The driver was a big man who looked like the 'Rock'. We were driving at a normal pace when I noticed a school bus behind us swerve to the right and start driving on a road parallel to ours. Apparently, serial killers were being sent to kill us. I was scared. The driver said something about the bus trying to get ahead of us, so he kept driving faster and faster as I felt more and more fear. Finnally the bus pulled back in behind us. I looked back at the bus, and saw that the serial killer was a woman with brownish red hair. I tried to pretend to shoot a gun at her with my fingers, but she just smiled at that. At some point, there was a collision, and I was out of the SUV. I just laid on the ground and pretended to be dead. At one point the serial killer, was standing by me, but I did my best to hold still, breath lightly, and keep my eyes from blinking so I looked dead. She then walked away. I thought I heard faint sounds of someone fighting, and the big guy from before came back. I pulled myself up, and he said something that I would always be my own predator (speaking about my fear and cowardice). We were then at a place to spend the night. There was only one twin bed. I was still pretty worked up, and I really wanted the big guy to just put his arms around me as we went to be so I could feel safe enough to fall asleep. I never mustered up the courage to ask, and just felt anxious about it.
Then we were in a hallway, and he had to go into a meeting with two other guys to talk about things. He told me to stay outside. I was bored, so I wondered down the hall to a men's restroom. As I approached, two different girls walked in and then walked out. Feeling nervous, I moved all the way to the end urinal to use it. Reminded me of an earlier portion of the dream where there were stalls right next to each other, but the walls were really low. Two married couples were having a conversation while sitting, fully clothed, on the toilet seats.
[Begin earlier dream]
Earlier in the week I had a dream that I was back at a high school. It was between classes, and I wandered in a locker room simply to be there and see the other guys. At one point, I did get undessed, then I noticed that there were a bunch of young men and women having some sort of activity in the locker room. Still naked, I walked around the locker room and apparently into a store that was a part of the school. I wandered the articles, trying to keep myself covered, and searched for a place to change. At one point, someone walked by and said that being naked in the school was against the rules. Then I found another guy who helped me find the locker room again. I went in, and found that the activity was still going on. I tried a stall, but the floor was covered in water and I didn't want to change there. Then, I kept searching and found a really dark hallway that I wandered down. I kept walking, and didn't see anyone. I stopped at a turn in the hallway, and considered the spot for dressing. A door behind me opened briefly and then slammed shut. I was pretty scared about that.
[End dream]
I was back in the bedroom, and instead of the previous big guy that I had been with, it was another guy. I got into my pajamas and tried to sleep, but it was too hot and I was sweaty. The other guy got into bed fully clothed. I thought that was weird.
There was a closet that we opened, and there was a box that tried to shoot something at us. I waved my hand and deflected whatever it was with my mind. Now, I had the ability to deflect things with my mind, and I was a girl. We were trying to find something that other people wanted. If they knew, then we would get killed. The door opened, and a man pointed a gun at me. I made the same gesture and knocked the gun to point away from me. Then we realized he was friendly and we went to some kind of gala food event.
Apparently it was for a nation, and they were excited about finding the thing. After an announcement, we all looked up to see a bunch of white bird with purple feathery things around them. Everyone was shouting excitedly as the birds were released to fly away. Then trains of white flying horses (called white dolphins) were leaving with small kids riding on them.
Then someone had figured it out. A guy with a sword came up to a post and spun around, releasing energy in a spin attack that generated 10,000,000 EU, apparently what was needed to activate the post.
---
Yeah, It was some really weird dreams. Honestly, it feels like the dreams were teasing or taunting me in some fashion, or possibly I've just been obsessing about some things too much.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Music That I Like: Keep Holding On
I have to say, it's been kind of an interesting ride since my last post. Christmas was great! I actually wasn't sick for once (although I did have a nasty headache, that doesn't count, right?). I've moved into a new ward, and it's been very interesting. It takes me awhile to warm up and make friends, so it's a matter of me continually trying to be there and be present.
This last week has been pretty rough. After a visit with my therapist, my massage therapist, and a pretty vulnerable post to the ward's Facebook group, I was feeling the effects of a 'vulnerability hangover'. Yesterday, a co-worker brought up the whole BSA policy thing regarding homosexuals I will not get into the politics of it here. After our conversation, I was so upset, I had to leave work. I was crying really hard (I'm glad I got home in one piece). I spent the rest of the day exhausted. Things are now resolved and much better at work now. Honestly, I think it was just another blessing. It helped me get in touch with some sadness I've been ignoring for the past year or two.
That being said, the song I want to share today is all about enduring and holding on. I know the Savior frequently holds out his hand to me. Weathering the storm requires that I keep on holding on to it. Enjoy!
This last week has been pretty rough. After a visit with my therapist, my massage therapist, and a pretty vulnerable post to the ward's Facebook group, I was feeling the effects of a 'vulnerability hangover'. Yesterday, a co-worker brought up the whole BSA policy thing regarding homosexuals I will not get into the politics of it here. After our conversation, I was so upset, I had to leave work. I was crying really hard (I'm glad I got home in one piece). I spent the rest of the day exhausted. Things are now resolved and much better at work now. Honestly, I think it was just another blessing. It helped me get in touch with some sadness I've been ignoring for the past year or two.
That being said, the song I want to share today is all about enduring and holding on. I know the Savior frequently holds out his hand to me. Weathering the storm requires that I keep on holding on to it. Enjoy!
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Have I Given Up?
While playing a game the other day, another player dealt me a pretty nasty blow, that left me in a rather crippled position. Rather than stick it out to see if I could still somehow manage to scrape through the game, I opted to leave at that moment, mostly because I wasn't enjoying the game all that much (being behind in a game can make me irritable at times). At the time, I thought of how manly I was at speaking my mind and cutting my losses. Afterward, I felt very guilty for leaving the game the way I did (in a huff). Somehow, it made me feel like how I approach life: if things get difficult, there's a good chance I'm going to simply give up on the thing, even if it's something good for me. Friend gets married, I give up. Too hard to continue interacting with them. Friend moves away. Give up. Too hard.
I'm saying this, because I feel like I've 'given up' in a sense on my healing journey. I'm exhausted. I'm worn out. I regularly engage in numbing and isolating behavior I build emotional walls between me and the people I spend time with. Two years ago and two months, I went to Journey Into Manhood. I was regularly talking with people. I had a good friendship with another man forming. I was participating in a community, reaching out to other men. Giving, growing, and learning. I was connecting and getting my male to male needs met. I was even starting to feel sparks of attraction toward a girl I've known since elementary school.
Fast forward a year. I was barely even talking to this friend. I had deeply distanced myself from him. I was slipping into depression. I had given up on our friendship because it had become very difficult and painful for me (I was overdependent on him). Fast forward another year. I came close to acting out with a good friend of mine. I acted out with four other times with men. I nearly gave up going to church multiple times. My depression worsened and I started taking medication. I grew very isolated. I've become bitter. My same gender attraction has become very strong. I feel a sense of shame as I compulsively check out people to see if they are attractive. I struggle daily with inappropriate thoughts that are highly distracting. In short, I almost feel like I've given up.
On a surface level, I try to look confident, as un-needy as possible. I try to appear aloof. I often get snappy. I'm nearly always tired. Inside, I just want to cry, or act out, or have the nearest object of my lust hold me and help me feel loved. Guilt and shame seem to be with me nearly every waking moment. I struggle with feeling connected.
I feel like I'm stuck between two choices: continue to resist (and struggle with acting out), or simply give in. Honestly, the latter is highly undesirable. I know there is at least one more choice: open up. Start to connect again and let the wounds heal. Forgive, and let the poison seep out. It...it feels very difficult to open up. Two years ago, it was very natural, if scary for me. Now, it is so terrifying I clam up at the thought of doing it.
On the bright side, I've also felt a stirring in my breast. I've felt the Spirit working on me. I've had moments where my selfishness abates and I feel genuine pain, empathy, and caring toward other people.
It means I haven't quite given up yet, despite how hard the journey is. Still, I'm afraid of opening up and being vulnerable. Almost mortally afraid. I know it can hurt again.
I'm saying this, because I feel like I've 'given up' in a sense on my healing journey. I'm exhausted. I'm worn out. I regularly engage in numbing and isolating behavior I build emotional walls between me and the people I spend time with. Two years ago and two months, I went to Journey Into Manhood. I was regularly talking with people. I had a good friendship with another man forming. I was participating in a community, reaching out to other men. Giving, growing, and learning. I was connecting and getting my male to male needs met. I was even starting to feel sparks of attraction toward a girl I've known since elementary school.
Fast forward a year. I was barely even talking to this friend. I had deeply distanced myself from him. I was slipping into depression. I had given up on our friendship because it had become very difficult and painful for me (I was overdependent on him). Fast forward another year. I came close to acting out with a good friend of mine. I acted out with four other times with men. I nearly gave up going to church multiple times. My depression worsened and I started taking medication. I grew very isolated. I've become bitter. My same gender attraction has become very strong. I feel a sense of shame as I compulsively check out people to see if they are attractive. I struggle daily with inappropriate thoughts that are highly distracting. In short, I almost feel like I've given up.
On a surface level, I try to look confident, as un-needy as possible. I try to appear aloof. I often get snappy. I'm nearly always tired. Inside, I just want to cry, or act out, or have the nearest object of my lust hold me and help me feel loved. Guilt and shame seem to be with me nearly every waking moment. I struggle with feeling connected.
I feel like I'm stuck between two choices: continue to resist (and struggle with acting out), or simply give in. Honestly, the latter is highly undesirable. I know there is at least one more choice: open up. Start to connect again and let the wounds heal. Forgive, and let the poison seep out. It...it feels very difficult to open up. Two years ago, it was very natural, if scary for me. Now, it is so terrifying I clam up at the thought of doing it.
On the bright side, I've also felt a stirring in my breast. I've felt the Spirit working on me. I've had moments where my selfishness abates and I feel genuine pain, empathy, and caring toward other people.
It means I haven't quite given up yet, despite how hard the journey is. Still, I'm afraid of opening up and being vulnerable. Almost mortally afraid. I know it can hurt again.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
New LDS Church website
Just this last week, the LDS church released a new website called "Mormons and Gays". Needless to say, I was quite ecstatic about it (and promptly started sharing it on various forms of social media). I think it is a wonderful step forward by the church to reach out to everyone who may be influenced by the issue of same gender attraction. It's a website for those who experience it, their friends, their families, and their ward members. Overall, I think it teaches the lesson that all people need to be treated with love and kindness.
That aside, I haven't posted anything on here in about 2 months. They've been kind of rough. Last week, things have started to calm down somewhat. I was able to move into new place, and I started attending a local singles ward. I can tell that I'm trying to isolate and not get too involved there. I got a new massage therapist, who has been excellent with helping me work through some personal issues. I'm continuing to attend church. Helps that one of my new roommates also goes to the same ward.
I encourage all of you to check out the new site!
That aside, I haven't posted anything on here in about 2 months. They've been kind of rough. Last week, things have started to calm down somewhat. I was able to move into new place, and I started attending a local singles ward. I can tell that I'm trying to isolate and not get too involved there. I got a new massage therapist, who has been excellent with helping me work through some personal issues. I'm continuing to attend church. Helps that one of my new roommates also goes to the same ward.
I encourage all of you to check out the new site!
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Music That Speaks To Me - Stand in the Rain
The song from today is one that I relate to very well. I've often found that when I'm with other people, especially friends, I feel alright. When I leave, I find that I feel like I'm slowly falling apart. And if I've learned anything in life, standing up to my trials often gets me through them faster than simply running from them.
Enjoy!
Lyrics:
She never slows down.
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down
[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain
She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down.
[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain
[Lyrics from http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/superchick/standintherain.html]
Enjoy!
Lyrics:
She never slows down.
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down
[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain
She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down.
[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain
[Lyrics from http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/superchick/standintherain.html]
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