Friday, December 30, 2011
The Demons Come In Sideways
First off, this post is a scary one to write. I feel like I may be writing about some thoughts and ideas that I've never shared before. Also, I feel like I may be sharing one of the devils tricks. Also, I'm afraid of some of the ramifications of what I want to share in this post.
Last night started out normal, and slowly turned into something very painful. Typically on Thursday nights, I go and play computer games with some friends. Last night ended with me tweeting some very scary things. I'll start with those:
"The battlefield of the mind is a dynamic place. One moment, things are calm. The next, legions of demons emerge from the shadows."
"At first, the demons smile disarmingly, disabling defenses and setting all at ease."
"Then they slip sideways into thoughts, planing corrupt, poisoned seeds of lies that spread like a virus."
"Finally when the person has started to succumb to the poison, they try to crush the person with darkness and despair."
Last night, I was heading home on what I thought would be a typical night. Rush home, grab my computer, and rush to hang to with the friends. It would be an enjoyable evening where we ran around together in the game and laughed and struggled through it together. At least, that was what I was hoping for. I wanted to try to get to where we were meeting early to see if I could finish a book that I've been reading for the past month or so.
When I got home, I had a surprised. There were a lot more people in the front room than I expected. To explain, I live with a family of four. Sitting on the couch was the father, as well as another man I knew, as well as some of both of their children sitting in chairs. I was so shocked, I didn't recognize the other man for a few moments. He smiled and said 'hi'. In a daze, I think I said 'hi' to the man and his wife and went into my room to prepare my computer for transport.
By then, the demons had slipped out of the shadows. Without realizing it, the negative self talk had started in my head:
Why is that family visiting? It seems that the two families are becoming good friends. I feel kind of left out. Well, that's my fault. I'm hardly home and I hardly like to spend time with the family anyways. The two guys seem to have a really good friendship going on. I guess I'm not the kind of person that the other man was looking for. I guess I'm not good enough.
It happened so quickly. I became pretty withdrawn, and felt like I was a shadow moving through the place I lived. Although I did want to give both of those men I knew, who are my friends, hugs before I left, I instead left the scene as quickly as I could, listening away to the lies in my head:
Oh, I don't want to do that in front of either of the wives. What will they think of me? Will they think I'm trying to hit on them? Trying to make a pass?
It was when I was driving away when I finally realized I was listening to some of the oldest lies I've told myself for years. "People don't care about me. I'm not good enough. I'm not worth love and affection." I tried to counter it with truths I knew, but the poison had set in. I felt sad. I felt lonely.
I arrived at the game night, and it wasn't anything like I had hoped it to be. Me and the 3 other guys were all doing different things in different places in the games. It was incredibly lonely. I made a few snarky jokes on and off, feeling vaguely angry that we weren't all together in the game, yet I didn't do anything about that fact.
As I was driving home, the sadness and the loneliness had set in. My mind started to wonder.
There are deer along this part of the road. What if I hit one of them? I could die. Mom would be there at my funeral crying. Dying wouldn't be so bad. I'd be free from the pain I have here, this grief and pain.
That's when I shook my head and realized I was fantasizing. Still, I felt a deep pain in my heart. I was crying. I was sad, hurting, overcome by grief, a combination of the pain of loneliness, and the pains of a guilty conscious. I knew I was guilty of so many different sins. It felt like my heart was breaking.
As I carried my computer back into where I live, I felt dark, crushing despair. It was like something was trying to squeeze the hope out of me. It was a struggle to breath, and I managed to unlock the house and get inside. As I went back for the rest of the computer, I didn't want to go back inside. I knew the demons were out there. Finally, I was able to get everything in my house.
I was tempted with various things. One thought said 'Oh, set up your computer, look at some pornography. You'll feel better.' Another said 'Why don't you masturbate? It's the only time you're really loving yourself! After all, only you love yourself.' And even, there was a few thoughts about trying to end my life. I'm very scared to admit, but I did consider it for a moment, and even thought of way to do it.
All through this, I was praying. I was trying to connect. I honestly don't know why I didn't feel an answer. I laid down, texting two friends of mine. The pain was still there. Tears were still streaming down my face. Many times I whimpered because of the pain. Sometimes, I just wanted to implode on the spot and stop being because it felt like too much. I don't ever remember falling asleep.
This morning, I can still feel that pain in my heart. I still do feel a sense of guilt over things I've done. The one sin I was guilty of last night was perpetuating those lies I've told myself all the years and for listening to those demons. Honestly, I am afraid. I feel afraid whenever thoughts of suicide come up. I honestly feel like I'm too much of a coward to actually do anything like that. I also realize it would cause a great deal of pain to many people that I love. At what point though, does the pain get to be too much? I honestly feel like I am getting near some kind of breaking point. Something has to give. There's something in me that needs to break before I can move on from whatever it is I've been going through the last day, week, month...time period.
For now, I'm going to keep moving and try to feel my way through this pain.