Last night and this morning really haven't been good to me. I've been struggling with the loneliness and depression. I'm starting to realize that I have more struggles in life than just same gender attraction. There's the anxiety, the loneliness, the defensive detachment from other people, depression, and an inability to trust others and trust Heavenly Father.
Last night was an OK night. I went and spent some time with the guys that I knew from the fraternity. I remember feeling bored most of the night. As I drove home, I felt kind of empty and numb. I ate all of the chocolate chip cookies one of the guys had given me. It made my stomach feel kind of upset. I remember that I set my computer down and briefly considered setting up my computer and turning it on. I knew if I did that, that I would start searching for triggering images, and possibly get mixed up in pornography. Instead, I finished getting ready for bed.
I found myself thinking about how lonely I felt. I started to go through the people I knew. I was realizing that not any one person was going to be able to help fulfill my need for friendship. One person was not going to fit all of the wants I had for friendship. I starting putting people into categories. There's one man that I trust for guidance and advice, but we don't really do anything together. There's another man with whom I share a number of interests, but he is a very busy person. There's another man like that who I even was close to, but I ended up becoming codependent. There's other men that I try to reach out too, but I always feel like I'm the one making all the effort in the friendship. There's other men that try to reach out with me, but I don't feel like I want to reach back.
I basically started to throw a pity party for myself. I found myself praying, asking, wondering if Jesus and Heavenly Father would be my only friends, the only ones that could really love me, and really help me. Even after asking and reaching toward Him, I still felt like His love along wouldn't be enough. I thought that even with Him, I would still be longing for human interaction. While laying feeling lonely, thoughts of temptation entered my mind. I eventually succumbed to the idea of 'Oh, I'll feel good for a few moments now'.
This morning, it was a struggle to get out of bed. I was feeling empty. I was feeling guilty and ashamed. I was still feeling lonely. When I finally got into the shower, I spent a few minutes curled up in a ball under the hot water, not wanting to move and face the day. I got out of the shower, sat on the floor and draped my towel around my shoulder and curled up in a ball again. I didn't want to go anywhere, I just wanted to sit there. Finally, I was able to get up, get dressed, and get in the car. I was feeling sad.
Driving to work, I was able to feel some emotion: anger, directed at the other drivers. I got really angry right before I got to work. I remember sitting in my car, not wanting to get out. I didn't like the fact I'd gotten so angry at the other driver. I didn't want the anger. I sat in the car until the air started to cool. I briefly considered the idea of sitting there until my body went cold. I did eventually get out of the car and get into work. I sat at the computer, and when it was on, I was able to forget about the depression. When I got up to go to the bathroom, the feeling of sadness and loneliness came back. I guess the computer is just a distraction for me.
Do I have depression? I'm scared that I am. Do I deal with loneliness? I'm pretty sure I do. I was remembered a movie we watched in elementary school on the way to work. It was about a kid that no one seemed to like, no one would interact with. He would go to school and had no friends there. He would go home, and his parents wouldn't talk to him. Eventually, he walked off the school bus one day and just fell down and died. The title of the movie was 'Cypher'. Cypher meaning zero. The person was a zero everyone's eyes. I realized that I had made some progress. I do feel like I have some impact on the world. When the loneliness and depression sets in, I start to feel like a Cypher. I start to feel like a ghost in my life, drifting past that no one can see or if they can see me, they don't care to interact with me.
Depression scares me, especially because that's when the thoughts of wanting to die enter into my life. I honestly think I'm far too much of a coward to end my own life. Yet, if the pain and the loneliness get to much, I may be driven to something like that. The other thing that comes with depression is not wanting to do anything. The idea of maintaining this blog sometimes feels like it's too much. I find myself wanting more feedback. I find myself wanting more people to interact with. I find myself searching for people that are willing to share of themselves as well. Sure, I've had many people tell me they've been reading my blog. Some express that they relate to it. It seems to end there. No one wants to further into it and I'm too passive to want to investigate further.
Sometimes I wish some of the people who don't know who I am behind my alias would talk to me about the blog. They're the people I'm really trying to reach. I can see it as a form of madness. I want to connect to those people, but I'm not actively reaching out to them. I want them to read these words and know that it's me that's writing them, but I hide behind an alias. I want to find connections and friendships where I can be open and vulnerable with another person, and that other person be the same way back, but I'm too afraid to take the first step to be vulnerable. I'm just so tired of trying. I'm so tired of reaching and not feeling like the others are reaching back.
Sometimes I think there's something about me that makes it so other people don't want to interact with me. Am I too much for them? Am I too draining? Do I ask for too much? Do I expect too much? I went to a fireside this Sunday. The first few groups of people I walked up to disbanded a few moments after I got there. Only in one case did a person stay to talk with me. Later on that did change, but for awhile I started to wonder if there was something wrong with me. After my support meeting, it seemed only a small handful of the men really wanted to talk with me. Most other conversations ran dry relatively quickly.
Perhaps I am crazy. I do have many friends. Part of me looks at me with condemnation and says 'Should you be grateful for what you have? Why isn't it enough? Why can't the friendships you have be enough? Why isn't God's love and grace enough for you?' Another part considers the people I have said I don't want to be friends with and says 'What do you expect? These men have tried to be your friend, and you haven't let them. You've turned them down. You've stopped talking to them. You haven't tried. How can you expect anyone to do the same?' Yet another voice speaks up and says 'If they really knew you, they'd run away in fear.' Yet another says 'It's not worth it to interact with other people. You'll either give in to your attractions or be driven mad by them. You'll always live in jealousy and envy of the friendships you see in other people. You'll never have it. You'll always be alone. You'll always be an island. Might as well cut your ties with everyone and not expect them to come looking for you.' I had the idea to stop going to church, to stop going to the support group. A voice came saying 'Oh, it doesn't really help you. When you go, you just find yourself longing to connect to the other men there, but it never works when you try. It will never work when you try. Nothing you do can change things'. Then comes up one of the scariest voices 'You should just end it. It'd be simple. Then you would really know who cared about you. They would come and cry for you at your funeral.' The voice even took a scarier turn this morning 'Heavenly Father is the only one that loves you. Why don't you just end this life so that you can be with Him? He's the only one that loves you.'
It is scary. It really is scary. I keep praying for the strength to get me through. Heavenly Father is the one person that can help pull me through it. It hurts though. The loneliness and isolation hurt. I sit here with tears of sadness welling up in my eyes, and pain in my heart. I'm afraid this pain and sadness will lead me to anger and defensiveness. That will only drive those trying to get close to me even further away.
Oh well. It's another day. It's another chance to try. I feel pessimistic about it.