This is a very scary post for me to put out there. Scary indeed.
In this post, I plan on speaking a bit into the kind of people I'm attracted to. I'm going to put it out there in a very generic sense, as well as possibly some explanations into why I think I may have these kinds of attractions. The idea for this blog posts came at the last family function that I attended. My sister told her husband that I had same gender attraction. When I asked her about it at the function, she jokingly said "Just don't hit on him." She laughed and then said something afterward to the effect of "Oh, you're probably not because he's not super mega cute". It made me think, there's a whole lot that I could be attracted to a person than how they look. A whole lot more.
I have some insight into what makes me feel attracted, or repulsed, by different men around me. I don't have it down to an exact science, because I always seem to find exceptions to the rule. I'm probably more complicated than I'm letting myself be.
I think I can boil it down to three different 'flavors' of attraction: attraction to a 'father' figure, attraction to the masculine, and the 'eye candy' attraction.
The father figure attraction can be hard to separate from the masculine flavor of attraction for me. The father figure attraction drives around looking for someone to protect me. It involves looking for a guardian of sorts. A big part of the drive involves having this man, who is strong and powerful, protect and love me. It often manifests in urges to be held or embraced by the man. It often makes me feel like a little child when I'm around men like this. Typically men who are big, big as in physically imposing, tall or with broad shoulders. It usually doesn't have very much to do with the man's personality, although if a man is brash or loud, it tends to destroy any feelings of 'father figure' attraction I may have for them. This flavor of attraction is very frustrating to deal with, because it isn't easily seen or resolved. I'm typically in 'little boy' space when I'm around men like this, so I'm not actively trying to figure out what's going on. I'm more focused on how to 'win' the protection and affection of these men.
The attraction to the masculine is a much broader category. The drive is to connect and have friendship with a man. In more extreme or frustrated cases, it can have sexual flavors to it. Typically men with deep voices, body hair, muscles, who exude confidence, or leadership abilities can trigger this sort of attraction in me. It can present an odd dual response in me. I will feel attracted, yet I can also feel a sense of enmity toward the man. All in all, the attraction is much worse if I'm not in touch with my inner masculine.
The last flavor, the 'eye candy' flavor is an attraction toward men who are good looking or who are extremely lean and muscular. This sort of attraction, for me, probably arose due to exposure to pornography, although in it's purest form, it is an admiration for the natural beauty that exists in the people all around me. The problem is that it's been sexualized.
Each of these 'flavors' is separate, but often times they can get combined. I remember with my last exposure to pornography, I ran into a man that exemplified all three flavors of masculinity for me. I found the draw to that man almost irresistible. Sometimes each flavor has a different strength, so it is difficult to pick apart the different aspects to the attraction and address them. Generally, most attractions for me diminish if I can talk with and demystify the man. The father attraction requires a different sort of work. It requires me to clearly see that I'm putting a 'father' energy onto a man. It also requires me to withdraw that energy. Part of me finds that very difficult, because I still long and yearn for that connection with a father figure.
There, that wasn't so scary for me actually. This is the last post I plan on making today. Time to enjoy the weekend. As usual, feel free to comment or to e-mail me.