Recently, I started using a website called 'Moodscope' that helps to track a persons mood each day. Today, I got the lowest score since I've started using it (15%). Ironically, the site suggested that 'It could be useful to talk it all through with someone close'. Oddly, I don't feel like there's anyone close. I've pushed everyone away. My defensive detachment seems to be set into a sense of overdrive. I've been feeling a lot of confusion, despair, sadness, grief, fear bordering on paranoia. I've been struggling with thoughts of acting out, browsing through peoples pictures, even feeling urges to walk by places to see if I can find any shirtless guys to stare out. In short, I think that I'm a sort of death spiral.
In the core of the death spiral is a fear of vulnerability. I know that is the root of the problem. I'm afraid to open up to the people that I once felt close to. I keep thinking that going to an in person support group really isn't changing anything. I keep thinking that online support groups are useless. I keep thinking that spending time with people in person, one on one, is largely a waste of time. All because I'm afraid to open up. I even think that putting out this blog post is a huge waste of time.
In person, I've grown tired of feeling verbally dumped on by other people. I've grown tired of feeling like I have to tell other people to back off. I've grown tired of hiding behind a mask of humor and hilarity when I'd really prefer just curling up in a ball and crying. I've grown tired of lying about how I really feel. I've grown so tired of seeing other people as objects and not people, and feeling the same way about myself.
With support groups, I've definitely become very passive when it comes to reaching out. In a sense, I've grown so tired of trying to make friends there in the past that I really don't care anymore. I spend all the time waiting for someone to come to me rather than seeking out friendship. In the past, I've felt like I haven't been able to establish the sort of friendship I want. Either the other person seems cool, distant, and intellectual, or something happens that doesn't make me feel safe. Sometimes I do open up to the other person, and I think that the other person isn't willing to do the same. It's honestly been driving me mad.
With the online support groups, it either feels like a place for humor or debate. I hardly feel safe sharing things personal any more. When I have put up what was basically a cry for help, I feel life I've been ignored or given unwanted advice. Some people have responded with empathy, but it doesn't ever seem to amount to anything. I'm too afraid to continue to be open.
In relation to the blog, I think that no one ever reads it. Sure, I see stat counters go up, every so often I have someone talk to me in person about it. Every so often, I see a comment on it. It makes me start to wonder, what is it that I'm looking for? Why am I not happy with how things are?
The truth is, I've been hurting pretty badly. I've been feeling the need for connection to the people around me, yet I've sabotaged all my attempts to really connect to people. Yesterday, I was driving home along my usual route. There is a turn in the freeway. I glanced out straight and saw all the open space and wondered how wonderful it would feel to fly away from it all. It was then that I realized how easy it would be to simply turn my car into the barrier and try to end my life.
This is a cry for help. I feel pessimistic about it. Even if it is responded to, will I accept the response or will I continue to deflect those people who do try to be my friend until I am ultimately alone? I'm pretty sure I'm crazy. And this post is definitely proof of it. I've been praying, and I definitely feel like I could use more.
P.S. (added at 1:36 PM):
I am feeling a great deal different now. I will still keep up this post as an authentic and honest post of the negative thinking trap I was in. I have so many people who love me, admire me, and appreciate me. I am loved.
I want you to know that you are loved as well! There is healing and there is hope. Reach out and reach up and there will be hands there waiting anxiously to grasp yours.
I love you all. Thanks.