I watched a really interesting video the other day about depression. Some of you readers may know that I experience depression. I thought the video was really insightful into how it can feel and how it can influence me. I hope that it helps all of you understand this better.
I haven't been posting much lately here on this personal blog. I guess I haven't had much to say. Life has been a blur. Thanksgiving came and went. Work has been pretty sporadic. Some weeks are calmish and others are really stressful. For the most part, I'm just trying to hold it all together.
Take care.
-Andrew
Monday, December 9, 2013
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
New Perspective
It's been a long while since I've blogged on here. A long time indeed. I can admit that a large part of that was probably due to pride. I've been afraid to share what has been really going on in my life. I know that I've been wearing a mask, and not admitting to people, even my closest of friends, some of the deep struggles I have been going through.
In summary, I have been under a lot of stress. My depression seems to be wanting to come back. I've been struggling with loneliness. I've been over indulging in playing video games. I've gone to work tired and left exhausted. I've felt annoyed by my co-workers and by working. I've been struggling to stay on task. On top of it all, I haven't been diligent in my scripture studies and my prayers. I've tried reaching out to friends, but I kept thinking 'this just isn't helping'.
To make matters more complicated, I made a rather grave mistake last week. I will not go into details here (it is something rather personal). I can say that there may be far reaching consequences. I spent a good deal of the weekend feeling numbness, regret, sadness. Going to church and serving in my calling was difficult. I did manage to stay most of the 3 hour block. I left just after the sacrament had been passed. I am really uncertain what all of the consequences for my actions will be. I feel that I do have to face them head on.
Last night, after another soul wrenching feeling of despair, I realized that I needed to change some things in my life. First off, I really need to reduce the amount of video games I'm playing, especially at work. I also need to reduce my YouTube watching at work, and reduce the amount of foul language and other cruddy content I'm putting into my brain. I need to seek out wholesome activities. I want to stop feeling like all my free time is 'busy' with video games. I want to be the sort of person who can drop a video game to go to a church meeting or to interact with a friend. I want to drop the priority that they have taken in my life. Second, I want to start putting God first. I'm not entirely sure how it is going to work out.
Last, but not least, I want to try to stop stressing out so much. I remember hearing once that 'Stress comes from arguing with reality'. I know I've been doing a lot of stressing and hence, a lot of arguing with reality. Thoughts like 'I should be perfect', 'I shouldn't have any doubts about the church', 'I should have a fervent, burning testimony', 'I should want to help out other people' have not been helping me. Instead, they have been draining my energy and leaving me feeling hopeless, angry, frustrated, annoyed, or even numb. I know the root of some of those ideas are positive. There are many righteous desires in there! I think the key word that I need to eliminate from my thoughts is 'should'. Should indicates duty, obligation, or correctness. Should steals away my agency. When I say 'I should like the color green', I've mentally taken away my ability to not like the color. I do not want to use 'shouldy' thinking anymore.
Instead, I want to have a fervent testimony. I want to help out other people. I want to place God at a top priority in my life. I want to have meaningful, deep friendships with other men in my life (and possible women). I want to fully live the gospel, the true gospel. I want to let go of faulty beliefs I have around the gospel, the church, God, the Atonement, and many other things. I still want to play video games. I just want them not to be my defining feature anymore.
Like I said in a recent Facebook post, a D&D character partially helped me receive the inspiration to change my perspective on life. The character is a cleric and he worships the 'Elder' or 'Father' god. He is a firm believer in fate. If someone dies, then they were meant to die. If his healing manages to save them, they were meant to be saved. In fact, on of his most common lines is 'it was meant to be'. He is free from stressing over the past. He is free to live in the present and to make choices as he sees fit. Overall, he's one of my favorite characters to play. Well, the fact that he can pretend to be a really big dog kind of makes him fun to role play.
That aside, I love you all. I pray we can all continue on this journey called life, and can find the true joy and happiness that comes from doing what we know is good, right, and just.
My mission is to build a world of light, love, and truth.
In summary, I have been under a lot of stress. My depression seems to be wanting to come back. I've been struggling with loneliness. I've been over indulging in playing video games. I've gone to work tired and left exhausted. I've felt annoyed by my co-workers and by working. I've been struggling to stay on task. On top of it all, I haven't been diligent in my scripture studies and my prayers. I've tried reaching out to friends, but I kept thinking 'this just isn't helping'.
To make matters more complicated, I made a rather grave mistake last week. I will not go into details here (it is something rather personal). I can say that there may be far reaching consequences. I spent a good deal of the weekend feeling numbness, regret, sadness. Going to church and serving in my calling was difficult. I did manage to stay most of the 3 hour block. I left just after the sacrament had been passed. I am really uncertain what all of the consequences for my actions will be. I feel that I do have to face them head on.
Last night, after another soul wrenching feeling of despair, I realized that I needed to change some things in my life. First off, I really need to reduce the amount of video games I'm playing, especially at work. I also need to reduce my YouTube watching at work, and reduce the amount of foul language and other cruddy content I'm putting into my brain. I need to seek out wholesome activities. I want to stop feeling like all my free time is 'busy' with video games. I want to be the sort of person who can drop a video game to go to a church meeting or to interact with a friend. I want to drop the priority that they have taken in my life. Second, I want to start putting God first. I'm not entirely sure how it is going to work out.
Last, but not least, I want to try to stop stressing out so much. I remember hearing once that 'Stress comes from arguing with reality'. I know I've been doing a lot of stressing and hence, a lot of arguing with reality. Thoughts like 'I should be perfect', 'I shouldn't have any doubts about the church', 'I should have a fervent, burning testimony', 'I should want to help out other people' have not been helping me. Instead, they have been draining my energy and leaving me feeling hopeless, angry, frustrated, annoyed, or even numb. I know the root of some of those ideas are positive. There are many righteous desires in there! I think the key word that I need to eliminate from my thoughts is 'should'. Should indicates duty, obligation, or correctness. Should steals away my agency. When I say 'I should like the color green', I've mentally taken away my ability to not like the color. I do not want to use 'shouldy' thinking anymore.
Instead, I want to have a fervent testimony. I want to help out other people. I want to place God at a top priority in my life. I want to have meaningful, deep friendships with other men in my life (and possible women). I want to fully live the gospel, the true gospel. I want to let go of faulty beliefs I have around the gospel, the church, God, the Atonement, and many other things. I still want to play video games. I just want them not to be my defining feature anymore.
Like I said in a recent Facebook post, a D&D character partially helped me receive the inspiration to change my perspective on life. The character is a cleric and he worships the 'Elder' or 'Father' god. He is a firm believer in fate. If someone dies, then they were meant to die. If his healing manages to save them, they were meant to be saved. In fact, on of his most common lines is 'it was meant to be'. He is free from stressing over the past. He is free to live in the present and to make choices as he sees fit. Overall, he's one of my favorite characters to play. Well, the fact that he can pretend to be a really big dog kind of makes him fun to role play.
That aside, I love you all. I pray we can all continue on this journey called life, and can find the true joy and happiness that comes from doing what we know is good, right, and just.
My mission is to build a world of light, love, and truth.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Come Share In My Hobby - New YouTube channel!
Those of you who are new to the blog may not know of my passion for video games. I've actually even enjoyed it to the point of watching other people play through the game and make commentary. I decided to try out doing the same thing myself. I'm still really knew to it. I laugh at my own voice and jokes many time. I've really enjoyed doing it.
So, if any of you share in that passion, feel free to check me out on youtube!
http://www.youtube.com/user/Beutimus <- Click here! :)
Oh, and video games have been eating up most of my time, and friends. I probably could due to put up a status update here sometime soon.
So, if any of you share in that passion, feel free to check me out on youtube!
http://www.youtube.com/user/Beutimus <- Click here! :)
Oh, and video games have been eating up most of my time, and friends. I probably could due to put up a status update here sometime soon.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Music that Speaks to Me: Jesus, Friend of Sinners
I'll just preface this, by saying that I really relate to the first verse of this song.
(You'll have to watch this one directly on YouTube)
I'll admit to a deep dark secret. I'm a very judgmental person. In some ways, I am idealist. I have idea of how thing are supposed to be and how people are 'supposed' to act. I find myself pointing the finger of judgment to the people around me.
That person should not have made that left turn!
That person ran a red light! (Traffic violations tend to be a pet peeve of mine)
That person took advantage of me!
The people around me don't befriend me!
That person just won't leave me alone!
Just some examples of the sort of things that go through my head. I often find myself repenting in the car and feeling guilty for judging the people around me so harshly. Perhaps that judgmental attitude keeps me from getting close to other people. Instead of opening my arms to help, I'm pointing a finger at them and keep them at bay.
I've been trying to be aware of this. Instead of thinking that a person is an idiot for running a red light, I try to say 'That action was idiotic." I try to separate behaviors from the worth and goodness that people have in them.
I'm one to complain that people in the church aren't very Christlike, that they are judgmental, unfriendly, and distant. I am a hypocrite. I am the one that is mean, judgmental, unfriendly, distant, and cold to the people at Church. If I want the church to be Christlike, loving, and friendly, then perhaps I should be the one to be loving, kind, and friendly. Perhaps if I am that way, I can make a small change in the world. And that small change would be me.
Feel free to leave comments, questions, confessions, etc, below. Comments are moderated, but I read them all.
(You'll have to watch this one directly on YouTube)
I'll admit to a deep dark secret. I'm a very judgmental person. In some ways, I am idealist. I have idea of how thing are supposed to be and how people are 'supposed' to act. I find myself pointing the finger of judgment to the people around me.
That person should not have made that left turn!
That person ran a red light! (Traffic violations tend to be a pet peeve of mine)
That person took advantage of me!
The people around me don't befriend me!
That person just won't leave me alone!
Just some examples of the sort of things that go through my head. I often find myself repenting in the car and feeling guilty for judging the people around me so harshly. Perhaps that judgmental attitude keeps me from getting close to other people. Instead of opening my arms to help, I'm pointing a finger at them and keep them at bay.
I've been trying to be aware of this. Instead of thinking that a person is an idiot for running a red light, I try to say 'That action was idiotic." I try to separate behaviors from the worth and goodness that people have in them.
I'm one to complain that people in the church aren't very Christlike, that they are judgmental, unfriendly, and distant. I am a hypocrite. I am the one that is mean, judgmental, unfriendly, distant, and cold to the people at Church. If I want the church to be Christlike, loving, and friendly, then perhaps I should be the one to be loving, kind, and friendly. Perhaps if I am that way, I can make a small change in the world. And that small change would be me.
Feel free to leave comments, questions, confessions, etc, below. Comments are moderated, but I read them all.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
My Strange Dreams - Night of 21Mar2013
I'm surprised I even slept! I went to bed late, and woke up at 2. I couldn't figure out for the life of me for the longest time, with my sleep fogged brain, why I was waking up. Then I realized it was because I was super hot! After resolving that, I collapsed into sleep again.
I dreamed.
It was snowing. We were all out shoveling our driveway. The next door neighbor and elderly couple, was out there shoveling too. My mom stated that she wished she had a snow blower like the couple next door. I looked over and they were shoveling I commented on that. Finally, when we were nearly done, the couple got out their snow blower to blow off what little snow was left on their driveway. I thought it was funny they were doing it like that. It was warm, and the snow was melting everywhere. I took a big pile of snow, and threw it off into the middle of the street. My little brother picked up another pile, and was about to throw it onto our grass when I said 'No! Throw it out into the street! It will melt faster that way'. So he did. We finished throwing all the piles of snow into the street.
My little brother and his wife and I were all going to some kind of play/choir event. My little brother told me that he had set me up with a girl, and that she was pretty aggressive. I went and sat down next to her. I remember she had long, straight brown hair and was wearing jeans. As soon as I sat down, she said 'I wish I was having a back massage.' I looked at her and said 'No thanks'. I was feeling a little ticked off because she was being so forward. Then she just turned in her seat and placed her legs into my lap. I was quite shocked and angry at that. Again I said 'No thanks'. She then sat up. She looked pretty angry too. She leaned in close to me and said 'Wouldn't it hurt to let someone in close? Are you afraid of being hurt again?' At that point, I felt my anger dissolve into sadness and hurt. I told myself that she couldn't understand, and I tried to think of how I would explain why I felt so hurt and cared about close relationships. Eventually, I just got up and left.
I dreamed.
It was snowing. We were all out shoveling our driveway. The next door neighbor and elderly couple, was out there shoveling too. My mom stated that she wished she had a snow blower like the couple next door. I looked over and they were shoveling I commented on that. Finally, when we were nearly done, the couple got out their snow blower to blow off what little snow was left on their driveway. I thought it was funny they were doing it like that. It was warm, and the snow was melting everywhere. I took a big pile of snow, and threw it off into the middle of the street. My little brother picked up another pile, and was about to throw it onto our grass when I said 'No! Throw it out into the street! It will melt faster that way'. So he did. We finished throwing all the piles of snow into the street.
My little brother and his wife and I were all going to some kind of play/choir event. My little brother told me that he had set me up with a girl, and that she was pretty aggressive. I went and sat down next to her. I remember she had long, straight brown hair and was wearing jeans. As soon as I sat down, she said 'I wish I was having a back massage.' I looked at her and said 'No thanks'. I was feeling a little ticked off because she was being so forward. Then she just turned in her seat and placed her legs into my lap. I was quite shocked and angry at that. Again I said 'No thanks'. She then sat up. She looked pretty angry too. She leaned in close to me and said 'Wouldn't it hurt to let someone in close? Are you afraid of being hurt again?' At that point, I felt my anger dissolve into sadness and hurt. I told myself that she couldn't understand, and I tried to think of how I would explain why I felt so hurt and cared about close relationships. Eventually, I just got up and left.
Friday, February 22, 2013
My Strange Dreams 21-22Feb2013
It's been a long while since I've posted up some of the weird dreams I get. Here goes:
I was at my grandparents house, and there were some people attacking the house with guns. I don't think they ever fired, but they were invading our house. Someone told me to run, so I ran to the back of the house and tried to find somewhere to hide. I skirted around a concrete structure and ended up hiding on the other side of a trampoline by laying in the grass. I knew I was in plain site, and I didn't move at all. I was terrified they would find me. Then they showed up. One of the men had an assault rifle. They just walked past me, and didn't seem to acknowledge me. Then they told my grandfather that this was just a drill, and that this would happen if he defied them.
I was in the back of a black SUV. The driver was a big man who looked like the 'Rock'. We were driving at a normal pace when I noticed a school bus behind us swerve to the right and start driving on a road parallel to ours. Apparently, serial killers were being sent to kill us. I was scared. The driver said something about the bus trying to get ahead of us, so he kept driving faster and faster as I felt more and more fear. Finnally the bus pulled back in behind us. I looked back at the bus, and saw that the serial killer was a woman with brownish red hair. I tried to pretend to shoot a gun at her with my fingers, but she just smiled at that. At some point, there was a collision, and I was out of the SUV. I just laid on the ground and pretended to be dead. At one point the serial killer, was standing by me, but I did my best to hold still, breath lightly, and keep my eyes from blinking so I looked dead. She then walked away. I thought I heard faint sounds of someone fighting, and the big guy from before came back. I pulled myself up, and he said something that I would always be my own predator (speaking about my fear and cowardice). We were then at a place to spend the night. There was only one twin bed. I was still pretty worked up, and I really wanted the big guy to just put his arms around me as we went to be so I could feel safe enough to fall asleep. I never mustered up the courage to ask, and just felt anxious about it.
Then we were in a hallway, and he had to go into a meeting with two other guys to talk about things. He told me to stay outside. I was bored, so I wondered down the hall to a men's restroom. As I approached, two different girls walked in and then walked out. Feeling nervous, I moved all the way to the end urinal to use it. Reminded me of an earlier portion of the dream where there were stalls right next to each other, but the walls were really low. Two married couples were having a conversation while sitting, fully clothed, on the toilet seats.
[Begin earlier dream]
Earlier in the week I had a dream that I was back at a high school. It was between classes, and I wandered in a locker room simply to be there and see the other guys. At one point, I did get undessed, then I noticed that there were a bunch of young men and women having some sort of activity in the locker room. Still naked, I walked around the locker room and apparently into a store that was a part of the school. I wandered the articles, trying to keep myself covered, and searched for a place to change. At one point, someone walked by and said that being naked in the school was against the rules. Then I found another guy who helped me find the locker room again. I went in, and found that the activity was still going on. I tried a stall, but the floor was covered in water and I didn't want to change there. Then, I kept searching and found a really dark hallway that I wandered down. I kept walking, and didn't see anyone. I stopped at a turn in the hallway, and considered the spot for dressing. A door behind me opened briefly and then slammed shut. I was pretty scared about that.
[End dream]
I was back in the bedroom, and instead of the previous big guy that I had been with, it was another guy. I got into my pajamas and tried to sleep, but it was too hot and I was sweaty. The other guy got into bed fully clothed. I thought that was weird.
There was a closet that we opened, and there was a box that tried to shoot something at us. I waved my hand and deflected whatever it was with my mind. Now, I had the ability to deflect things with my mind, and I was a girl. We were trying to find something that other people wanted. If they knew, then we would get killed. The door opened, and a man pointed a gun at me. I made the same gesture and knocked the gun to point away from me. Then we realized he was friendly and we went to some kind of gala food event.
Apparently it was for a nation, and they were excited about finding the thing. After an announcement, we all looked up to see a bunch of white bird with purple feathery things around them. Everyone was shouting excitedly as the birds were released to fly away. Then trains of white flying horses (called white dolphins) were leaving with small kids riding on them.
Then someone had figured it out. A guy with a sword came up to a post and spun around, releasing energy in a spin attack that generated 10,000,000 EU, apparently what was needed to activate the post.
---
Yeah, It was some really weird dreams. Honestly, it feels like the dreams were teasing or taunting me in some fashion, or possibly I've just been obsessing about some things too much.
I was at my grandparents house, and there were some people attacking the house with guns. I don't think they ever fired, but they were invading our house. Someone told me to run, so I ran to the back of the house and tried to find somewhere to hide. I skirted around a concrete structure and ended up hiding on the other side of a trampoline by laying in the grass. I knew I was in plain site, and I didn't move at all. I was terrified they would find me. Then they showed up. One of the men had an assault rifle. They just walked past me, and didn't seem to acknowledge me. Then they told my grandfather that this was just a drill, and that this would happen if he defied them.
I was in the back of a black SUV. The driver was a big man who looked like the 'Rock'. We were driving at a normal pace when I noticed a school bus behind us swerve to the right and start driving on a road parallel to ours. Apparently, serial killers were being sent to kill us. I was scared. The driver said something about the bus trying to get ahead of us, so he kept driving faster and faster as I felt more and more fear. Finnally the bus pulled back in behind us. I looked back at the bus, and saw that the serial killer was a woman with brownish red hair. I tried to pretend to shoot a gun at her with my fingers, but she just smiled at that. At some point, there was a collision, and I was out of the SUV. I just laid on the ground and pretended to be dead. At one point the serial killer, was standing by me, but I did my best to hold still, breath lightly, and keep my eyes from blinking so I looked dead. She then walked away. I thought I heard faint sounds of someone fighting, and the big guy from before came back. I pulled myself up, and he said something that I would always be my own predator (speaking about my fear and cowardice). We were then at a place to spend the night. There was only one twin bed. I was still pretty worked up, and I really wanted the big guy to just put his arms around me as we went to be so I could feel safe enough to fall asleep. I never mustered up the courage to ask, and just felt anxious about it.
Then we were in a hallway, and he had to go into a meeting with two other guys to talk about things. He told me to stay outside. I was bored, so I wondered down the hall to a men's restroom. As I approached, two different girls walked in and then walked out. Feeling nervous, I moved all the way to the end urinal to use it. Reminded me of an earlier portion of the dream where there were stalls right next to each other, but the walls were really low. Two married couples were having a conversation while sitting, fully clothed, on the toilet seats.
[Begin earlier dream]
Earlier in the week I had a dream that I was back at a high school. It was between classes, and I wandered in a locker room simply to be there and see the other guys. At one point, I did get undessed, then I noticed that there were a bunch of young men and women having some sort of activity in the locker room. Still naked, I walked around the locker room and apparently into a store that was a part of the school. I wandered the articles, trying to keep myself covered, and searched for a place to change. At one point, someone walked by and said that being naked in the school was against the rules. Then I found another guy who helped me find the locker room again. I went in, and found that the activity was still going on. I tried a stall, but the floor was covered in water and I didn't want to change there. Then, I kept searching and found a really dark hallway that I wandered down. I kept walking, and didn't see anyone. I stopped at a turn in the hallway, and considered the spot for dressing. A door behind me opened briefly and then slammed shut. I was pretty scared about that.
[End dream]
I was back in the bedroom, and instead of the previous big guy that I had been with, it was another guy. I got into my pajamas and tried to sleep, but it was too hot and I was sweaty. The other guy got into bed fully clothed. I thought that was weird.
There was a closet that we opened, and there was a box that tried to shoot something at us. I waved my hand and deflected whatever it was with my mind. Now, I had the ability to deflect things with my mind, and I was a girl. We were trying to find something that other people wanted. If they knew, then we would get killed. The door opened, and a man pointed a gun at me. I made the same gesture and knocked the gun to point away from me. Then we realized he was friendly and we went to some kind of gala food event.
Apparently it was for a nation, and they were excited about finding the thing. After an announcement, we all looked up to see a bunch of white bird with purple feathery things around them. Everyone was shouting excitedly as the birds were released to fly away. Then trains of white flying horses (called white dolphins) were leaving with small kids riding on them.
Then someone had figured it out. A guy with a sword came up to a post and spun around, releasing energy in a spin attack that generated 10,000,000 EU, apparently what was needed to activate the post.
---
Yeah, It was some really weird dreams. Honestly, it feels like the dreams were teasing or taunting me in some fashion, or possibly I've just been obsessing about some things too much.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Music That I Like: Keep Holding On
I have to say, it's been kind of an interesting ride since my last post. Christmas was great! I actually wasn't sick for once (although I did have a nasty headache, that doesn't count, right?). I've moved into a new ward, and it's been very interesting. It takes me awhile to warm up and make friends, so it's a matter of me continually trying to be there and be present.
This last week has been pretty rough. After a visit with my therapist, my massage therapist, and a pretty vulnerable post to the ward's Facebook group, I was feeling the effects of a 'vulnerability hangover'. Yesterday, a co-worker brought up the whole BSA policy thing regarding homosexuals I will not get into the politics of it here. After our conversation, I was so upset, I had to leave work. I was crying really hard (I'm glad I got home in one piece). I spent the rest of the day exhausted. Things are now resolved and much better at work now. Honestly, I think it was just another blessing. It helped me get in touch with some sadness I've been ignoring for the past year or two.
That being said, the song I want to share today is all about enduring and holding on. I know the Savior frequently holds out his hand to me. Weathering the storm requires that I keep on holding on to it. Enjoy!
This last week has been pretty rough. After a visit with my therapist, my massage therapist, and a pretty vulnerable post to the ward's Facebook group, I was feeling the effects of a 'vulnerability hangover'. Yesterday, a co-worker brought up the whole BSA policy thing regarding homosexuals I will not get into the politics of it here. After our conversation, I was so upset, I had to leave work. I was crying really hard (I'm glad I got home in one piece). I spent the rest of the day exhausted. Things are now resolved and much better at work now. Honestly, I think it was just another blessing. It helped me get in touch with some sadness I've been ignoring for the past year or two.
That being said, the song I want to share today is all about enduring and holding on. I know the Savior frequently holds out his hand to me. Weathering the storm requires that I keep on holding on to it. Enjoy!
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