Just this week, I had a meeting with my bishop where I had my temple recommend temporarily taken away from me. After leaving his office, I was an emotional wreck. I was overcome with sadness, frustration, anger, and numbness. After breathing and driving around, I felt myself come back down to earth, still feeling hurt and like an injustice had been done. Later that evening, I drove to a friends house. As I was nearing his house, I heard the song "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns come on the radio. It was exactly what I needed to hear.
Lyrics:
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
[Chorus]
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
[Chorus x2]
[Taken from http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/castingcrowns/praiseyouinthisstorm.html]
This song is beautiful. I feel like I'm caught in the middle of a storm right now. Even then, God is on my side. No matter where I go, or what I do, He continues to be by my side and fight for my soul's salvation. I had the thought that even if I spend my whole life trying to conform and live up to the church's standards, I can still end up in the celestial kingdom. It's Heavenly Father who decides where I am able to go, not any one mortal.
This song brings me a lot of comfort. Even if the storm is of my own making or simply the troubles of life, Heavenly Father is still with me, still loves me, and still advocates the purest of causes for me. Heavenly Father is the one who gives and takes away. I feel like He gave me the temple recommend. Perhaps it was His time to take it away. I feel like He's given me many great friends, and I feel like He's taken them away. If I lift my hands to praise Him, and express my gratitude for His blessings, I believe I can find more peace and less bitterness in life.
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Monday, April 16, 2012
Sunday, March 18, 2012
A New Perspective - 18Mar2012
I've had a really interesting change of perspectives lately. I've been experiencing a lot of feelings of numbness lately. It something that comes and goes and thankfully has been spending more time going than coming the last week. Two things have been on my mind a lot. One of them is friendship and the other is plans that I have for my life.
As for friendship, I've found myself over the last few weeks (arguably months) worrying over the fact that I didn't have any closer friends. I've been thinking back to all the people I've met at college, at previous work places, at places like Journey Into Manhood and Evergreen, and wondering why I hardly ever hear from any of those people.
I have a tendency when I think about this to first start to feel angry toward the other people. I start to blame them for no sort of friendship forming. Then I start to shift all the blame to myself. I start to think that I didn't try hard enough, or that something is wrong with me. I start to think that I was either too uninteresting or that I scared the person off. Lately, I got a huge piece of insight into this. I realize that one reason I was struggling with having any feelings of a close friendship is because I've been too absorbed in my own problems, faults, and struggles. I've been very emotionally needy and draining, in my judgement. I judge that I've been scaring away, pushing away, or simply ignoring potential friends and possibly alienating myself from existing friends. I sometimes wonder if being too needy and demanding on past people has led to friendships either not forming, or causing other friendships to fall apart when I got disappointed with the other people. Ultimately, I've decided that I need to take a different approach. I need to focus more on being my own friend. I need to get to know myself, do things with myself, and learn to enjoy my own company. I have a feeling that will have a positive effect on my friendships with other people.
The other thing that has been bothering me is the fact that I don't have any 'big plans' for my own life. I see other people who are ambitious in their careers, who have plans to buy houses, get married, go on trips to other places. I sometimes wonder if there's something wrong with me to not have plans like that. My plans typically are short term and it's usually invitations to do things with other people or things that just 'need to be done'. I think that somehow over grown up, I've lost to ability to dream, to imagine, to have hopes about the future. I feel like I've spent a lot of time being adrift, going along with the flow of life, and not working toward any kind of future goal. I honestly feel apathetic about plans for the future. I don't seem to care what will happen to me with my career. I just live from one day to the next, without any expectations or hopes for the future.
I had an impression in church today that was very helpful to me. Someone in Elder's Quorum was sharing how one of the General Authorities had taken some time to embrace and comfort him. I was struck by the love that the General Authority had shown for the man. It reminded me of the fact that God gives everyone callings to grow. He's given to some people to lead the entire church and to others to do other things in His church. The fact is that the calling I have is one that will help me grow. It encourages me to interact with the other men in the ward. It calls me to step up and be bold. I got the impression that my purpose and goal in life should be to get back to live with Heavenly Father, and to be like Him. My primary goal in life is not to have a great career, to visit a certain place, or to have so many friends. My primary goal is to live like Jesus Christ, to grow in love toward to my fellow man, and to love myself as Heavenly Father loves me. That is a purpose and goal that I feel passionately about.
So, maybe I don't have big plans for the future, maybe I don't feel like I have friends that I could call 'BFFs'. I definitely do feel I need to have a more serious and loving relationship with myself and with my Heavenly Father. I can see how that would extend to my relationships with everyone around me. I feel happy to have a sense of hope and joy about the future and an increased feeling of peace in the present. I feel more ready to face the world with all of its joys and trials. I feel grateful to have a new perspective on life.
As for friendship, I've found myself over the last few weeks (arguably months) worrying over the fact that I didn't have any closer friends. I've been thinking back to all the people I've met at college, at previous work places, at places like Journey Into Manhood and Evergreen, and wondering why I hardly ever hear from any of those people.
I have a tendency when I think about this to first start to feel angry toward the other people. I start to blame them for no sort of friendship forming. Then I start to shift all the blame to myself. I start to think that I didn't try hard enough, or that something is wrong with me. I start to think that I was either too uninteresting or that I scared the person off. Lately, I got a huge piece of insight into this. I realize that one reason I was struggling with having any feelings of a close friendship is because I've been too absorbed in my own problems, faults, and struggles. I've been very emotionally needy and draining, in my judgement. I judge that I've been scaring away, pushing away, or simply ignoring potential friends and possibly alienating myself from existing friends. I sometimes wonder if being too needy and demanding on past people has led to friendships either not forming, or causing other friendships to fall apart when I got disappointed with the other people. Ultimately, I've decided that I need to take a different approach. I need to focus more on being my own friend. I need to get to know myself, do things with myself, and learn to enjoy my own company. I have a feeling that will have a positive effect on my friendships with other people.
The other thing that has been bothering me is the fact that I don't have any 'big plans' for my own life. I see other people who are ambitious in their careers, who have plans to buy houses, get married, go on trips to other places. I sometimes wonder if there's something wrong with me to not have plans like that. My plans typically are short term and it's usually invitations to do things with other people or things that just 'need to be done'. I think that somehow over grown up, I've lost to ability to dream, to imagine, to have hopes about the future. I feel like I've spent a lot of time being adrift, going along with the flow of life, and not working toward any kind of future goal. I honestly feel apathetic about plans for the future. I don't seem to care what will happen to me with my career. I just live from one day to the next, without any expectations or hopes for the future.
I had an impression in church today that was very helpful to me. Someone in Elder's Quorum was sharing how one of the General Authorities had taken some time to embrace and comfort him. I was struck by the love that the General Authority had shown for the man. It reminded me of the fact that God gives everyone callings to grow. He's given to some people to lead the entire church and to others to do other things in His church. The fact is that the calling I have is one that will help me grow. It encourages me to interact with the other men in the ward. It calls me to step up and be bold. I got the impression that my purpose and goal in life should be to get back to live with Heavenly Father, and to be like Him. My primary goal in life is not to have a great career, to visit a certain place, or to have so many friends. My primary goal is to live like Jesus Christ, to grow in love toward to my fellow man, and to love myself as Heavenly Father loves me. That is a purpose and goal that I feel passionately about.
So, maybe I don't have big plans for the future, maybe I don't feel like I have friends that I could call 'BFFs'. I definitely do feel I need to have a more serious and loving relationship with myself and with my Heavenly Father. I can see how that would extend to my relationships with everyone around me. I feel happy to have a sense of hope and joy about the future and an increased feeling of peace in the present. I feel more ready to face the world with all of its joys and trials. I feel grateful to have a new perspective on life.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Paradoxes - More Random Things Bouncing In My Head 6Mar2012
I've had a number of things on my mind. Some of them are paradoxes. Some may be called paradoxes. A lot of them relate to humankind, my brothers and sisters. I figured I would share a few of them here.
The Everything/Nothing paradox
In Elder's Quorum this week, the topic of the discusson was Elder Uchtdorf's talk from last general conference entitled 'You Matter To Him' (click on the name to read it, I highly recommend it!).
In the talk Elder Uchtdorf states that man is nothing, and that man is everything. It's something that I've pondered and thought about.
Man is nothing
Compared to God, man is nothing. If I think about it, my comprehension of things is nothing compared to God's. My physical strength can only move very small objects, at least in comparison to the rest of the environment around me. I can't create planets, set up solar systems, and plan galaxies. I'm one person in a sea of over seven billion people (and growing). Even our planet is a small object in a larger solar system. Our star is one light in a sea of countless other lights. Simply put, I'm a small speck when it comes to the whole universe.
Man is everything
On another hand, all of God's effort is directly for the well being of man. The creation of the universe, the dance of the planets, photosynthesis, the earth and everything on it. God's entire focus is on us. D&C 18:10 states: "Remember, the worth of souls is great in the sight of God". I find that intensely amazing. I'm am nothing, yet my worth is great in God's eyes.
Elder Uchtdorf goes on to speak about the dangers of pride and how Satan strives to mislead us by appealing to the extremes of the paradox. Sometimes, he tempts us ignore the fact that we are nothing. We become swollen and prideful. Sometimes, he tempts us to ignore the fact that we are everything. We begin to feel powerless and insignificant. We feel forgotten by our Heavenly Father. We feel like He doesn't care. I can see that my path relies on embracing both sides of the paradox. Feeling the humility that comes from being nothing, yet feeling the love and the power that comes from being everything. It can be a tricky scale to balance.
The Worth of Souls
Going back again to the scripture I shared earlier. "The worth of souls is great in the sight of God". When I think of it now, it makes me think of another scripture. D&C 88:15 states "The spirit and the body are the soul of man". I am a being made up of two parts: a body and a spirit. Together, they are a soul, and they are of great worth in the sight of God. It's led me to a number of thoughts.
I've disparaged and hated my body for many years. I've believed that my body was something bad and foul, something to be demonized and hated. I realize now that my body is a gift of God. It is something that I need to treat with respect. I need to take care of it and meet it's needs. It is a valuable part of me. I also have a spirit, which is also equally valuable. I need to take care of it's needs as well. Often times, it's a tricky balance between satisfying both of their needs, as well as learning what is a 'want' rather than a 'need'. Neglecting either my body or my soul leads me down paths that are not healthy.
I have a degree in computer science and I sometimes use computer concepts to try to understand things better. Most modern computer programs have an interface. The interface lets us, as humans, interact with the computer. The interface lets us send messages to the computer and receive information back. I've lately thought that I have three interfaces. One: my body. My body lets me interface with the mortal world and interact with the objects there. Two: my spirit, which allows me to interact with the diving. Three: an interface between my body and my spirit. The two are able to communicate and interact with each other. It's often a very subtle interaction. What influences one of them tends to influence the other. If I'm not getting enough rest, it's difficult for me to feel inspiration. When I read my scriptures, my body tends to feel calmer.
Other random thoughts
I had a very interesting and insightful discussion with a friend of mine last night. We talked a lot about love, sin, Utah culture, etc. I had recently had a very positive and uplifting experience that helped me feel very loved. I realized that I was trying to mentally discredit and sabotage the experience I had. As I called my friend up, he was able to hand me some thoughts that I found were very helpful. I started to tell myself 'I deserve to feel loved. I am loved. I need to be loved.' I realized that the love that I seek is very much like the love of my Heavenly Father. A love that sees my potential, my worth, where I am, and doesn't seek to try to abuse or use me. I realize many times in my life I've just wanted to scream out 'I just want to be loved!' I think a good many of the world's problems could be solved if people actually would feel a Christlike love for each other.
As our discussion continued, I realized that I need to feel God's love for me. If I'm not feeling it, I'm more vulnerable to being tempted to do something to try to fill that void in my life. Sin tends to cover up my real needs. It pretends to fill the void. Yet, it can't fill my need for love the same way that God's love can.
As our discussion continued, my friend expressed that he felt that Utah LDS culture could be very judgmental. I honestly have felt the same way at times. The worst culprit in that has been me. I've been very judgmental and unloving toward myself for years. I feel like I've looked at God and the gospel, and only seen one half of it. I've only been seeing the justice side. The side that speaks of punishment and guilt. Many times I find myself ignoring the other half of the gospel, the mercy side. The side that speaks of love, forgiveness, and redemption. I believe that Heavenly Father is a perfect balance of justice and mercy. How He makes it work is beyond my comprehension most of the time. When I realize also that Heavenly Father acts out of love, some of His acts that seem to lay on the justice side of things, also speak of the mercy that He has. It's a very interesting point of view.
Personal Note
To give a personal update, I have been feeling better. By feeling better, I mean I'm actually feeling emotions again. I've felt fear, anger, joy, sadness, excitement, nervousness, and all sorts of other emotions. I'm grateful that they have returned. I honestly think it is healthier for me to feel, acknowledge, and honor these feelings. I still don't have many things figured out. I still have a lot of questions. I still feel there is hurt to work through. I just feel like I'm moving forward once more.
The Everything/Nothing paradox
In Elder's Quorum this week, the topic of the discusson was Elder Uchtdorf's talk from last general conference entitled 'You Matter To Him' (click on the name to read it, I highly recommend it!).
In the talk Elder Uchtdorf states that man is nothing, and that man is everything. It's something that I've pondered and thought about.
Man is nothing
Compared to God, man is nothing. If I think about it, my comprehension of things is nothing compared to God's. My physical strength can only move very small objects, at least in comparison to the rest of the environment around me. I can't create planets, set up solar systems, and plan galaxies. I'm one person in a sea of over seven billion people (and growing). Even our planet is a small object in a larger solar system. Our star is one light in a sea of countless other lights. Simply put, I'm a small speck when it comes to the whole universe.
Man is everything
On another hand, all of God's effort is directly for the well being of man. The creation of the universe, the dance of the planets, photosynthesis, the earth and everything on it. God's entire focus is on us. D&C 18:10 states: "Remember, the worth of souls is great in the sight of God". I find that intensely amazing. I'm am nothing, yet my worth is great in God's eyes.
Elder Uchtdorf goes on to speak about the dangers of pride and how Satan strives to mislead us by appealing to the extremes of the paradox. Sometimes, he tempts us ignore the fact that we are nothing. We become swollen and prideful. Sometimes, he tempts us to ignore the fact that we are everything. We begin to feel powerless and insignificant. We feel forgotten by our Heavenly Father. We feel like He doesn't care. I can see that my path relies on embracing both sides of the paradox. Feeling the humility that comes from being nothing, yet feeling the love and the power that comes from being everything. It can be a tricky scale to balance.
The Worth of Souls
Going back again to the scripture I shared earlier. "The worth of souls is great in the sight of God". When I think of it now, it makes me think of another scripture. D&C 88:15 states "The spirit and the body are the soul of man". I am a being made up of two parts: a body and a spirit. Together, they are a soul, and they are of great worth in the sight of God. It's led me to a number of thoughts.
I've disparaged and hated my body for many years. I've believed that my body was something bad and foul, something to be demonized and hated. I realize now that my body is a gift of God. It is something that I need to treat with respect. I need to take care of it and meet it's needs. It is a valuable part of me. I also have a spirit, which is also equally valuable. I need to take care of it's needs as well. Often times, it's a tricky balance between satisfying both of their needs, as well as learning what is a 'want' rather than a 'need'. Neglecting either my body or my soul leads me down paths that are not healthy.
I have a degree in computer science and I sometimes use computer concepts to try to understand things better. Most modern computer programs have an interface. The interface lets us, as humans, interact with the computer. The interface lets us send messages to the computer and receive information back. I've lately thought that I have three interfaces. One: my body. My body lets me interface with the mortal world and interact with the objects there. Two: my spirit, which allows me to interact with the diving. Three: an interface between my body and my spirit. The two are able to communicate and interact with each other. It's often a very subtle interaction. What influences one of them tends to influence the other. If I'm not getting enough rest, it's difficult for me to feel inspiration. When I read my scriptures, my body tends to feel calmer.
Other random thoughts
I had a very interesting and insightful discussion with a friend of mine last night. We talked a lot about love, sin, Utah culture, etc. I had recently had a very positive and uplifting experience that helped me feel very loved. I realized that I was trying to mentally discredit and sabotage the experience I had. As I called my friend up, he was able to hand me some thoughts that I found were very helpful. I started to tell myself 'I deserve to feel loved. I am loved. I need to be loved.' I realized that the love that I seek is very much like the love of my Heavenly Father. A love that sees my potential, my worth, where I am, and doesn't seek to try to abuse or use me. I realize many times in my life I've just wanted to scream out 'I just want to be loved!' I think a good many of the world's problems could be solved if people actually would feel a Christlike love for each other.
As our discussion continued, I realized that I need to feel God's love for me. If I'm not feeling it, I'm more vulnerable to being tempted to do something to try to fill that void in my life. Sin tends to cover up my real needs. It pretends to fill the void. Yet, it can't fill my need for love the same way that God's love can.
As our discussion continued, my friend expressed that he felt that Utah LDS culture could be very judgmental. I honestly have felt the same way at times. The worst culprit in that has been me. I've been very judgmental and unloving toward myself for years. I feel like I've looked at God and the gospel, and only seen one half of it. I've only been seeing the justice side. The side that speaks of punishment and guilt. Many times I find myself ignoring the other half of the gospel, the mercy side. The side that speaks of love, forgiveness, and redemption. I believe that Heavenly Father is a perfect balance of justice and mercy. How He makes it work is beyond my comprehension most of the time. When I realize also that Heavenly Father acts out of love, some of His acts that seem to lay on the justice side of things, also speak of the mercy that He has. It's a very interesting point of view.
Personal Note
To give a personal update, I have been feeling better. By feeling better, I mean I'm actually feeling emotions again. I've felt fear, anger, joy, sadness, excitement, nervousness, and all sorts of other emotions. I'm grateful that they have returned. I honestly think it is healthier for me to feel, acknowledge, and honor these feelings. I still don't have many things figured out. I still have a lot of questions. I still feel there is hurt to work through. I just feel like I'm moving forward once more.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Bouncing Around In My Head 30Jan2012
Today is another installment of 'Bouncing Around in My Head'. I'll be exploring a number of thoughts/ponderings that I've been having lately.
Since the coming out post, I actively told a number of friends of mine from my old Sigma Gamma Chi chapter about the fact that I had same gender attraction. (I say old because the fraternity was disbanded last year.) Most of the guys felt honored that I told them. Some of them were confused. Some of them already knew about me. I honestly was confused with the ones that already knew about me. I wonder why they hadn't ever brought it up with me, or tried to talk with me about it. It almost makes me feel like they'd been watching me for years, observing this behavior in me. Honestly, I say that and realize that I'm the one that's been watching my behavior very closely and always trying to decide my motives behind doing things. For the most part, it's not always fair to myself. Often times, my motives start out innocent. As I over-think things, I twist my own motives into things more insidious.
On a happy note, I've been asking for safe places to get my touch needs met. It's been very helpful and scary. It's interesting that I'm so unfamiliar with asking for something like that that I'm terrified of asking, and also scared when it happens. On the other hand, not taking care of this need of mine was slowly killing me, and led me to do something desperate. Thankfully, nothing too terrible happened there. Since then, I've been fulfilling my needs in a better, safer, healthier way. I'm trying to accept the fact that I need to regularly get this need met. I have a need for closeness with other men. In my eyes, it's a very natural, nonsexual sort of thing. It's when I don't get it met that it morphs into something else. Today, I still feel a drive to seek out touch, but I don't feel nearly as desperate or like I'm white knuckling through things as much.
Last Friday, I was exchanging some texts with an acquaintance of mine. He also experiences same gender attraction and has decided to have a boyfriend. Whenever we text, he nearly always says that he's doing 'great'. In our last exchange, he told (as he has before) that I was 'born this way' and that I should 'just get a man to sleep with'. Honestly, his comments infuriated me. I highly disagree with the idea that I was born with same gender attraction. I also wasn't born 5'6" with a full head of hair, an adult body, and a passion for games of all sorts. Those were things that developed over time. I could agree with the fact I was born with a tendency to be attracted toward other men. Perhaps my spirit was created with a greater need to bond with those of my same gender. I can agree with the idea that I was born more sensitive and introverted. I can't agree with the idea I was born with same gender attraction. So, 'born this way'. If you're talking about my personality, then yes. If you're talking about same gender attraction, no. I honestly feel like same gender attraction, specifically when it's a sexual nature, is a construct on top of some of my more basic personality features, basic needs, learned behaviors, and unmet needs. Same gender attraction, for me, is something far too complicated for a newborn to have.
In contract, I was speaking with another friend of mine, who also has same gender attraction, and he asked me a very profound question. Instead of trying to play the 'I know exactly who you are' card, he opted to understand my position. He asked me: "For whom are you trying to be straight?" Honestly, the question stunned me. I honestly wasn't quite sure at the time, and I realize the question is far more complicated than it may appear on the surface. I'll have to address it once piece at a time.
I'll start near the end with the word 'trying to be straight'. I can honestly state that in the past, I have tried to be straight. I've tried to suppress and ignore my feelings of same gender attraction. All it brought me was depression, self hatred, and misery. Since I've started to face and understand my feelings of attraction for men, I've slowly been learning to accept them. It's been a long process. I still have a long ways to go. There's probably some lingering part of me that expects me to magically want to date women, feel emotional/sexually attracted to them, and want to marry one. There definitely is some lingering self hatred and resentment for the fact that I have same gender attraction. I'm still pushing through. Until I fully accept the fact I have this, I doubt that Heavenly Father will fully reveal His intention for giving me this trial/challenge/curse/blessing. Recently, I had a profound talk with my therapist (see this blog post) that helped open my eyes to the possibility of embracing and accepting my same gender attraction, without giving up my religious beliefs. I honestly do believe I can enjoy deep, emotional connection with men and not break any laws of the gospel. I also believe I can be physically close (note not sexually/romantically close) with other men and not be breaking any laws of the gospel. The goal is for me to slowly work myself into a position where I can accept and embrace those things, because I believe they are things that I need. I've denied them for a long time, so it's going to take more time.
Now for the first part 'for whom'. For me, that's asking 'Why do I do what I do?' As I've thought about this question, I've also been reading I Don't Want To Kill You by Dan Wells. The book is about a sociopath teen who is obsessed with serial killers. He's studied how they work and think. One of the questions that he likes to ask is 'What did the killer do, that they didn't have to do?' The whole point of it was to understand how the serial killer is thinking. Or more accurately, what kind of holes the serial killer is trying to fill in their soul with killing. I also asked myself this question, trying to understand why I masturbate. Beyond eating, drinking, sleeping, and physical touch, there's not much I need to do in relation to my body. Why would I do something unnecessary like masturbation? What kind of hole am I trying to fill? After examining the behavior, and the thoughts that come up related to it, I realized that I was trying to find connection with other people. There is a hole where other people should go in my heart. For some reason, I have a hard time filling up that hole. I try to fill it up with something else, masturbation. And that honestly doesn't fill it up for me. I just realized that this paragraph is totally off topic.
Now, back to the original subject, why do I do what I do? My ultimate goal is to do things for Heavenly Father. I want to do His will. I want to be back in His presence one day. I want to have His happiness. I've felt His love. I yearn to feel it all the time. Is that what always motivates me? Of course not. Sometimes I do things purely for myself (out of selfishness). Sometimes I do things for myself to take care of myself (out of love for myself). Sometimes I do things to ascribe to an ideal, standard, or religious teaching. My least favorite is when I do things because of what I worry of what other people would think or what society would think of me. That has never led me to happiness. Ultimately, I want to be inspired and moved to act by love. Pure love. Charity. Love for myself, for my fellow man (and woman), and for a love of God.
Much easier said than done.
Well, friend who shall go unnamed, thank you for posing that question! It's honestly led me to recommitting myself to seek out the pure love of Christ (see Moroni 7:44-48 for one of my favorite definitions of charity). It's also helped me take another look at myself in a different sort of light. Thank you again!
Thank you for reading. If you have comments/insights/musings/questions, feel free to e-mail me (my e-mail is below). You can also comment on this blog post. Also, I accept text messages and Facebook messages (if you happen to know how to contact me that way).
Thank you friends.
-Andrew
Since the coming out post, I actively told a number of friends of mine from my old Sigma Gamma Chi chapter about the fact that I had same gender attraction. (I say old because the fraternity was disbanded last year.) Most of the guys felt honored that I told them. Some of them were confused. Some of them already knew about me. I honestly was confused with the ones that already knew about me. I wonder why they hadn't ever brought it up with me, or tried to talk with me about it. It almost makes me feel like they'd been watching me for years, observing this behavior in me. Honestly, I say that and realize that I'm the one that's been watching my behavior very closely and always trying to decide my motives behind doing things. For the most part, it's not always fair to myself. Often times, my motives start out innocent. As I over-think things, I twist my own motives into things more insidious.
On a happy note, I've been asking for safe places to get my touch needs met. It's been very helpful and scary. It's interesting that I'm so unfamiliar with asking for something like that that I'm terrified of asking, and also scared when it happens. On the other hand, not taking care of this need of mine was slowly killing me, and led me to do something desperate. Thankfully, nothing too terrible happened there. Since then, I've been fulfilling my needs in a better, safer, healthier way. I'm trying to accept the fact that I need to regularly get this need met. I have a need for closeness with other men. In my eyes, it's a very natural, nonsexual sort of thing. It's when I don't get it met that it morphs into something else. Today, I still feel a drive to seek out touch, but I don't feel nearly as desperate or like I'm white knuckling through things as much.
Last Friday, I was exchanging some texts with an acquaintance of mine. He also experiences same gender attraction and has decided to have a boyfriend. Whenever we text, he nearly always says that he's doing 'great'. In our last exchange, he told (as he has before) that I was 'born this way' and that I should 'just get a man to sleep with'. Honestly, his comments infuriated me. I highly disagree with the idea that I was born with same gender attraction. I also wasn't born 5'6" with a full head of hair, an adult body, and a passion for games of all sorts. Those were things that developed over time. I could agree with the fact I was born with a tendency to be attracted toward other men. Perhaps my spirit was created with a greater need to bond with those of my same gender. I can agree with the idea that I was born more sensitive and introverted. I can't agree with the idea I was born with same gender attraction. So, 'born this way'. If you're talking about my personality, then yes. If you're talking about same gender attraction, no. I honestly feel like same gender attraction, specifically when it's a sexual nature, is a construct on top of some of my more basic personality features, basic needs, learned behaviors, and unmet needs. Same gender attraction, for me, is something far too complicated for a newborn to have.
In contract, I was speaking with another friend of mine, who also has same gender attraction, and he asked me a very profound question. Instead of trying to play the 'I know exactly who you are' card, he opted to understand my position. He asked me: "For whom are you trying to be straight?" Honestly, the question stunned me. I honestly wasn't quite sure at the time, and I realize the question is far more complicated than it may appear on the surface. I'll have to address it once piece at a time.
I'll start near the end with the word 'trying to be straight'. I can honestly state that in the past, I have tried to be straight. I've tried to suppress and ignore my feelings of same gender attraction. All it brought me was depression, self hatred, and misery. Since I've started to face and understand my feelings of attraction for men, I've slowly been learning to accept them. It's been a long process. I still have a long ways to go. There's probably some lingering part of me that expects me to magically want to date women, feel emotional/sexually attracted to them, and want to marry one. There definitely is some lingering self hatred and resentment for the fact that I have same gender attraction. I'm still pushing through. Until I fully accept the fact I have this, I doubt that Heavenly Father will fully reveal His intention for giving me this trial/challenge/curse/blessing. Recently, I had a profound talk with my therapist (see this blog post) that helped open my eyes to the possibility of embracing and accepting my same gender attraction, without giving up my religious beliefs. I honestly do believe I can enjoy deep, emotional connection with men and not break any laws of the gospel. I also believe I can be physically close (note not sexually/romantically close) with other men and not be breaking any laws of the gospel. The goal is for me to slowly work myself into a position where I can accept and embrace those things, because I believe they are things that I need. I've denied them for a long time, so it's going to take more time.
Now for the first part 'for whom'. For me, that's asking 'Why do I do what I do?' As I've thought about this question, I've also been reading I Don't Want To Kill You by Dan Wells. The book is about a sociopath teen who is obsessed with serial killers. He's studied how they work and think. One of the questions that he likes to ask is 'What did the killer do, that they didn't have to do?' The whole point of it was to understand how the serial killer is thinking. Or more accurately, what kind of holes the serial killer is trying to fill in their soul with killing. I also asked myself this question, trying to understand why I masturbate. Beyond eating, drinking, sleeping, and physical touch, there's not much I need to do in relation to my body. Why would I do something unnecessary like masturbation? What kind of hole am I trying to fill? After examining the behavior, and the thoughts that come up related to it, I realized that I was trying to find connection with other people. There is a hole where other people should go in my heart. For some reason, I have a hard time filling up that hole. I try to fill it up with something else, masturbation. And that honestly doesn't fill it up for me. I just realized that this paragraph is totally off topic.
Now, back to the original subject, why do I do what I do? My ultimate goal is to do things for Heavenly Father. I want to do His will. I want to be back in His presence one day. I want to have His happiness. I've felt His love. I yearn to feel it all the time. Is that what always motivates me? Of course not. Sometimes I do things purely for myself (out of selfishness). Sometimes I do things for myself to take care of myself (out of love for myself). Sometimes I do things to ascribe to an ideal, standard, or religious teaching. My least favorite is when I do things because of what I worry of what other people would think or what society would think of me. That has never led me to happiness. Ultimately, I want to be inspired and moved to act by love. Pure love. Charity. Love for myself, for my fellow man (and woman), and for a love of God.
Much easier said than done.
Well, friend who shall go unnamed, thank you for posing that question! It's honestly led me to recommitting myself to seek out the pure love of Christ (see Moroni 7:44-48 for one of my favorite definitions of charity). It's also helped me take another look at myself in a different sort of light. Thank you again!
Thank you for reading. If you have comments/insights/musings/questions, feel free to e-mail me (my e-mail is below). You can also comment on this blog post. Also, I accept text messages and Facebook messages (if you happen to know how to contact me that way).
Thank you friends.
-Andrew
Friday, January 20, 2012
Paths Laden With Fog
I've been coming to learn, or more accurately re-learn, a few things about myself lately. Recently, I've been feeling pretty desperate for connection with other men. Granted, I've been talking and reaching out more than normal. I've even told a number of my friends about me, just in case they weren't following this blog. The desperation still wasn't being alleviated. There's a few simple facts that seem to contribute to this.
First off, my primary love language is touch (If you are unfamiliar with what a 'love language' is, see The 5 Love Languages site, it's also a book). Because of that, my primary way of feeling and expressing love toward other people is through touch, and this very much focused around men, with very few exceptions for women, most of whom are in my family. Most of the time, the expression has very little to do with lust or sexual desire. Sometimes it's a simple expression that I like the person or value them as a friend. Nothing more and nothing less.
This gets obviously frustrated by some aspects of American culture. In my perception, we're not a very touchy-feely sort of people, at least out in public. The same seems to be true when I visit church. In my home ward (by home I mean parent's ward), the people are very good at shaking hands. The last singles ward I was in, and this current ward don't seem to be very good at that, and I'm far too shy to even initiate that kind of contact.
Anyways, I was starting to feel desperate for some kind of physical contact with a man. I can look back now and see how crazy I was, because I have a whole group of friends that are willing to give appropriate, safe, and bonding touch with me. I told myself all sorts of lies to keep myself from asking them. It led me to seeking the safe, appropriate sort of touch in a very dangerous environment.
As an interesting aside, I notice a pattern that emerges when I feel like my touch need isn't getting met. I start to get the crazy notion that people will start spontaneously offering the kind of touch that I need or want. I start to drop into a childlike state, where I expect the people around me to know what my needs are. I basically tend to regress. When my need isn't met (which happens very often because I'm not asking for help to get them met), I start to slip into a state of defensive detachment. I get angry, and I feel lonely. In an attempt to escape the pain of not having the need met, I seek out 'numbing agents' of sorts. I turn to video games generally. The sort of lull and trance they put me in provides a false sense of peace and comfort, yet always lead me to a sense of emptiness and loneliness. When that isn't enough, I turn to stronger 'numbing agents': masturbation and pornography. Like video games, they leave with a more profound feeling of emptiness and numbness. In this state of numbness, I'm even less likely to ask for what I need. It's a vicious downward spiral.
At my support group this week, I managed to touch both the pain and the feeling of emptiness and detachment. It's amazing how familiar both of them feel. I'm often not even conscious of it. The detachment feels warm, familiar, old, and oddly peaceful. Yet it also feels like I'm all alone in a dark room with no one else there. The room is empty and vast.
As I discussed this at my support group, I realized that detachment and numbness is a choice I make. It's a choice that leads me down a road that ends up with me curled up in a ball trying to shut everything else out. It leads me to somewhere dark, lonely, yet safe. As I talked, I also realized there were other paths. There are other choices. There are many different people to ask for help from. All of the roads were covered in fog. I couldn't determine their outcome. The path to numbness, however, was quite clear. I know where it would lead me. I've taken it so many times, that the outcome is sure.
That aside, at support group I also recalled the last time I felt like I wanted some touch, specifically, I wanted to be held. It was when I was having a talk with my dad about this blog post. Forgive me other blog readers, but I'd like to address my dad personally. Feel free to read as well!
Dad, I think you may remember the last time we got together and chatted about a blog post I had made, one about some past shameful lies I'd been believing for years. Wow, this is hard, tears are already in my eyes. I remember as we talked that I one point, I simply wanted you to reach out your arms and cradle me, and comfort me. When I realized that, I almost immediately started to belittle/demean/talk down to myself about it. 'Why would an adult want to be held? I should be independent. I shouldn't need this. I shouldn't want this.' Despite what I said, the desire was still there. The pain was still there. I wanted to connect. I wanted to connect like a child would connect with his father. I wanted to be held by you. Yet, like a child, I found myself powerless to ask for what I wanted. I found myself incapable of expressing the words. Maybe because I was starting to feel, live, and act from a very young state, perhaps before I could even talk. I've always wondered why I've struggled to connect with you. I know I've been defensively detached from both you and Mom. I'm starting to wonder if the problem and solution lie somewhere in the desire to be held by you, dad. I somehow want to go back to where the defensive detachment started, attach, instead of detaching, and start unraveling years of me detaching myself from you. Honestly, I feel afraid to ask for what I want. I honestly don't know how you would take it, or even if you know how to hold me. I don't even know how long it would take, or even if it would take more than one time of it happening. There are many, many years of detachment. Many years of me isolating myself from you. I still think we can bridge the gap and heal this. Honestly, the path is laden with fog. All I know for now is there is a desire for me to be held by you.
Thank you for indulging me readers. I feel nearly overcome inside with the sadness and the pain. When I was a child, I didn't know what I needed. I obviously felt a need to be safe, so I started to withdraw from my parents. I honestly have no idea where it started. All I know is that it worked at the time, and now, it isn't working as an adult. To be withdrawn and detached from the people around me, means I can continue to be safe, but also broken, hurt, lonely, and ultimately, empty. It also means that I defend myself from others attempts to truly love me. It also extends to and disrupts my relationship with God.
The future paths are laden with fog. I could continue to take the one familiar path, that leads me to loneliness. I think it's time to start taking one of the fog laden ones and push through to see what's on the other side of the fog.
Oh, and a personal request. If you know me, in person, I would definitely appreciate more hugs! However that looks for you.
Thank you for reading.
First off, my primary love language is touch (If you are unfamiliar with what a 'love language' is, see The 5 Love Languages site, it's also a book). Because of that, my primary way of feeling and expressing love toward other people is through touch, and this very much focused around men, with very few exceptions for women, most of whom are in my family. Most of the time, the expression has very little to do with lust or sexual desire. Sometimes it's a simple expression that I like the person or value them as a friend. Nothing more and nothing less.
This gets obviously frustrated by some aspects of American culture. In my perception, we're not a very touchy-feely sort of people, at least out in public. The same seems to be true when I visit church. In my home ward (by home I mean parent's ward), the people are very good at shaking hands. The last singles ward I was in, and this current ward don't seem to be very good at that, and I'm far too shy to even initiate that kind of contact.
Anyways, I was starting to feel desperate for some kind of physical contact with a man. I can look back now and see how crazy I was, because I have a whole group of friends that are willing to give appropriate, safe, and bonding touch with me. I told myself all sorts of lies to keep myself from asking them. It led me to seeking the safe, appropriate sort of touch in a very dangerous environment.
As an interesting aside, I notice a pattern that emerges when I feel like my touch need isn't getting met. I start to get the crazy notion that people will start spontaneously offering the kind of touch that I need or want. I start to drop into a childlike state, where I expect the people around me to know what my needs are. I basically tend to regress. When my need isn't met (which happens very often because I'm not asking for help to get them met), I start to slip into a state of defensive detachment. I get angry, and I feel lonely. In an attempt to escape the pain of not having the need met, I seek out 'numbing agents' of sorts. I turn to video games generally. The sort of lull and trance they put me in provides a false sense of peace and comfort, yet always lead me to a sense of emptiness and loneliness. When that isn't enough, I turn to stronger 'numbing agents': masturbation and pornography. Like video games, they leave with a more profound feeling of emptiness and numbness. In this state of numbness, I'm even less likely to ask for what I need. It's a vicious downward spiral.
At my support group this week, I managed to touch both the pain and the feeling of emptiness and detachment. It's amazing how familiar both of them feel. I'm often not even conscious of it. The detachment feels warm, familiar, old, and oddly peaceful. Yet it also feels like I'm all alone in a dark room with no one else there. The room is empty and vast.
As I discussed this at my support group, I realized that detachment and numbness is a choice I make. It's a choice that leads me down a road that ends up with me curled up in a ball trying to shut everything else out. It leads me to somewhere dark, lonely, yet safe. As I talked, I also realized there were other paths. There are other choices. There are many different people to ask for help from. All of the roads were covered in fog. I couldn't determine their outcome. The path to numbness, however, was quite clear. I know where it would lead me. I've taken it so many times, that the outcome is sure.
That aside, at support group I also recalled the last time I felt like I wanted some touch, specifically, I wanted to be held. It was when I was having a talk with my dad about this blog post. Forgive me other blog readers, but I'd like to address my dad personally. Feel free to read as well!
Dad, I think you may remember the last time we got together and chatted about a blog post I had made, one about some past shameful lies I'd been believing for years. Wow, this is hard, tears are already in my eyes. I remember as we talked that I one point, I simply wanted you to reach out your arms and cradle me, and comfort me. When I realized that, I almost immediately started to belittle/demean/talk down to myself about it. 'Why would an adult want to be held? I should be independent. I shouldn't need this. I shouldn't want this.' Despite what I said, the desire was still there. The pain was still there. I wanted to connect. I wanted to connect like a child would connect with his father. I wanted to be held by you. Yet, like a child, I found myself powerless to ask for what I wanted. I found myself incapable of expressing the words. Maybe because I was starting to feel, live, and act from a very young state, perhaps before I could even talk. I've always wondered why I've struggled to connect with you. I know I've been defensively detached from both you and Mom. I'm starting to wonder if the problem and solution lie somewhere in the desire to be held by you, dad. I somehow want to go back to where the defensive detachment started, attach, instead of detaching, and start unraveling years of me detaching myself from you. Honestly, I feel afraid to ask for what I want. I honestly don't know how you would take it, or even if you know how to hold me. I don't even know how long it would take, or even if it would take more than one time of it happening. There are many, many years of detachment. Many years of me isolating myself from you. I still think we can bridge the gap and heal this. Honestly, the path is laden with fog. All I know for now is there is a desire for me to be held by you.
Thank you for indulging me readers. I feel nearly overcome inside with the sadness and the pain. When I was a child, I didn't know what I needed. I obviously felt a need to be safe, so I started to withdraw from my parents. I honestly have no idea where it started. All I know is that it worked at the time, and now, it isn't working as an adult. To be withdrawn and detached from the people around me, means I can continue to be safe, but also broken, hurt, lonely, and ultimately, empty. It also means that I defend myself from others attempts to truly love me. It also extends to and disrupts my relationship with God.
The future paths are laden with fog. I could continue to take the one familiar path, that leads me to loneliness. I think it's time to start taking one of the fog laden ones and push through to see what's on the other side of the fog.
Oh, and a personal request. If you know me, in person, I would definitely appreciate more hugs! However that looks for you.
Thank you for reading.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Toxic Shame, Deep-set Lies
This will be a difficult post to write for me. Not difficult because I'm afraid to share it. Difficult because of the pain I know that it's going to touch on. Once more, into the breach.
In my support group this week, I did something where I looked into events where I had felt shamed. Sometime soon, I'll have to start up a series of posts called 'From the Memory Vault' where I share things from my past that I'm able to remember. I actually have a draft for one, but I'm too afraid to share it. I'm frankly worried about how I could explain it without the event becoming too pornographic. Here's a list of some of the shameful memories that I was able to remember this week:
I delved a bit deeper into that first memory I shared. At one point, I came to the realization that my teacher didn't care about me. No one seemed to care about me growing up. I was just another warm body. I was an object in the room. And deep down, all I wanted as a kid was to feel special, loved, noticed, cared for, delighted in.
I also got some good insight into one of my 'flavors' of attraction. I generally feel attracted to men bigger than me, to men that I judge are stronger than me. I also feel afraid around them, intimidated by them. It's an interesting internal conflict. I think it goes back to feeling shamed by various adults in my life. I wanted to feel loved by them, and instead I felt shamed by them. To this day, I find myself seeking that love and approval from the 'big men', from the 'adults'. I still want and crave that acceptance, affection, affirmation, ...love from them. That flavor of attraction is one of the hardest to 'shake off'. It's one of the hardest to resolve for me, probably because it's very deeply set.
Last night, I went to hang out with some friends. As soon as I showed up, they said 'hi', but then went back to talking with each other. I felt that same story come up. 'They don't care. They've never cared. You're just another person to them'. I tried to compensate by smiling and making jokes. On the way home, I felt lonely. As I was driving, I was looking at the world around me, admiring Heavenly Father's handiwork. A thought came to me: yes, this is a manifestation of His love. But, it's a manifestation of His love to everyone. It's a blanket statement. It's sent out generally to everyone. I do acknowledge there have been a few times when I have seen tender mercies in my life, when I have felt that I was specifically cared for. Somehow...I'm just not feeling it right now.
This morning, it finally hit me. The same idea 'You don't care' shows up in my relationship with my Heavenly Father. When I pray, I tell myself that I'm just another warm body to Him. No wonder the heaven's have felt so closed. No wonder I feel like I've slipped through the cracks and have fallen of His radar. I keep telling myself the same lie.
The same lie that has been lodged deep in my psyche.
I've even tried telling myself positive stories. Sure, they help for awhile, but the same old lie creeps up and slowly strangles my attempts at changing how I think. The poison is set deep.
Now I sit here, feeling empty, with the beginnings of tears in my eyes. I don't even know if I can see the depth of this wound that was dealt to me. I feel angry that I've continued to tell myself the same lie. I'm angry that I made the choice to feel ashamed and to detach while I was young. I feel like I've screwed up my life by making the choices I did. "It's all my fault". I chose to react the way I did. I chose to detach. It's my choice, I have to live with the consequences.
Perhaps I'm not heeding the saying that I came up with while talking with a friend a few weeks ago. The saying is 'You're supposed to carry your cross, not nail yourself to it!' I need to find a way to carry the burden this lie has created without it paralyzing me. And ultimately, I need to find out how to heal it and how to surrender it. There is a way. I believe that there is healing through Christ's Atonement. There is strength there, and there is grace. There is forgiveness and love. My heart feels too afraid to trust. It's been hurt so many times before. I keep hurting it by feeding it the same lie, and yet I keep sheltering it from any outside attempt to heal it.
Sounds like madness to me.
In my support group this week, I did something where I looked into events where I had felt shamed. Sometime soon, I'll have to start up a series of posts called 'From the Memory Vault' where I share things from my past that I'm able to remember. I actually have a draft for one, but I'm too afraid to share it. I'm frankly worried about how I could explain it without the event becoming too pornographic. Here's a list of some of the shameful memories that I was able to remember this week:
- In kindergarten, I colored a hand purple. The teacher had me re-color it because it was the 'wrong color'.
- In kindergarten, my teacher found my lunch, raised it up, asked who's it was. I raised my hand and she didn't see me, and it caused trouble later.
- I was forced to recount in front of the whole primary a time when I didn't come when my mother called
- At 8, I was told 'He shouldn't have gone in there!' by a man at the front desk of a military locker room, after I had gone in with my dad
- My dad telling me, at 8-9 years old, "If you were older, you would have needed to talk to a bishop"
- Various events with yelling and throwing of toys
- Me getting caught playing the Legend of Zelda early in the morning...Sunday morning
- Me getting in trouble for spitting on a girl
- I don't belong here
- I'm not valued
- I don't belong with men
- I don't matter
- I do everything wrong
- I'm always in trouble
- You don't care.
I delved a bit deeper into that first memory I shared. At one point, I came to the realization that my teacher didn't care about me. No one seemed to care about me growing up. I was just another warm body. I was an object in the room. And deep down, all I wanted as a kid was to feel special, loved, noticed, cared for, delighted in.
I also got some good insight into one of my 'flavors' of attraction. I generally feel attracted to men bigger than me, to men that I judge are stronger than me. I also feel afraid around them, intimidated by them. It's an interesting internal conflict. I think it goes back to feeling shamed by various adults in my life. I wanted to feel loved by them, and instead I felt shamed by them. To this day, I find myself seeking that love and approval from the 'big men', from the 'adults'. I still want and crave that acceptance, affection, affirmation, ...love from them. That flavor of attraction is one of the hardest to 'shake off'. It's one of the hardest to resolve for me, probably because it's very deeply set.
Last night, I went to hang out with some friends. As soon as I showed up, they said 'hi', but then went back to talking with each other. I felt that same story come up. 'They don't care. They've never cared. You're just another person to them'. I tried to compensate by smiling and making jokes. On the way home, I felt lonely. As I was driving, I was looking at the world around me, admiring Heavenly Father's handiwork. A thought came to me: yes, this is a manifestation of His love. But, it's a manifestation of His love to everyone. It's a blanket statement. It's sent out generally to everyone. I do acknowledge there have been a few times when I have seen tender mercies in my life, when I have felt that I was specifically cared for. Somehow...I'm just not feeling it right now.
This morning, it finally hit me. The same idea 'You don't care' shows up in my relationship with my Heavenly Father. When I pray, I tell myself that I'm just another warm body to Him. No wonder the heaven's have felt so closed. No wonder I feel like I've slipped through the cracks and have fallen of His radar. I keep telling myself the same lie.
The same lie that has been lodged deep in my psyche.
I've even tried telling myself positive stories. Sure, they help for awhile, but the same old lie creeps up and slowly strangles my attempts at changing how I think. The poison is set deep.
Now I sit here, feeling empty, with the beginnings of tears in my eyes. I don't even know if I can see the depth of this wound that was dealt to me. I feel angry that I've continued to tell myself the same lie. I'm angry that I made the choice to feel ashamed and to detach while I was young. I feel like I've screwed up my life by making the choices I did. "It's all my fault". I chose to react the way I did. I chose to detach. It's my choice, I have to live with the consequences.
Perhaps I'm not heeding the saying that I came up with while talking with a friend a few weeks ago. The saying is 'You're supposed to carry your cross, not nail yourself to it!' I need to find a way to carry the burden this lie has created without it paralyzing me. And ultimately, I need to find out how to heal it and how to surrender it. There is a way. I believe that there is healing through Christ's Atonement. There is strength there, and there is grace. There is forgiveness and love. My heart feels too afraid to trust. It's been hurt so many times before. I keep hurting it by feeding it the same lie, and yet I keep sheltering it from any outside attempt to heal it.
Sounds like madness to me.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Music That Speaks To Me - Where Are You Christmas?
Christmas is coming up soon. Along with it, there are many different Christmas songs that I've come to enjoy over the years. Some of my favorites "O Come, O Come Emmanuel", "O Holy Night", "Angels We Have Heard On High."
One in particular seems to relate with how I've felt about Christmas the last few years. It's "Where Are You Christmas?"
Alas, I couldn't find a YouTube video that I could embed, so I'll just have to settle with a link to the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdoMRT5smHc
Lyrics:
Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play
My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too
Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go
Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh
If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time
I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart with love
Where are you Christmas
Fill your heart with love
[Taken from: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/faithhill/whereareyouchristmas.html]
I honestly don't know when it began. At least when I was still going to college, Christmas was something that excited me. I still could touch with that little kid feeling of excitement and wonder. I've felt this Christmas season, as well as the last, that I don't get that sense of wonder or awe that I used to feel. I used to feel so enchanted and enamored with it. I feel like I've lost the Christmas spirit over the years. The dreams have slowly slipped away.
The cause? I believe I've become to focus on the 'how' of Christmas, the little logistical details to help the day go 'smoothly'. I have some family members that seem to focus on trying to make the day as 'perfect' as possible. As such, it turns into a stress-fest. The day becomes just another day focused on to-dos. As such, I'd rather spend time away from family to avoid that stress.
What is the true Christmas spirit? I believe it is the spirit of Christ. It's the spirit of love, of giving, of family, of warmth, of light, of acceptance. I will always be in awe of Him, the only one of us to grace this planet, and live a perfect life.
This song helps touch on both sides of how I see Christmas. On one hand, there's the 'Where did the spirit of the season go?' On the other hand, I can see and feel the spirit of Christ. I think children naturally can tap into that spirit. As I've gotten older, and gotten further from the innocence of youth, I think I've let that true spirit of love slip away.
That's probably why I've always wondered where Christmas went.
I think this year, I've started to get it back. But like anything in life, it is a process. I'm still learning to love and to give freely. And that is what this time of year is all about. No, that is what all year long should be about. The spirit of love and of giving is a spirit I should seek out all throughout the year. Christmas is just a convenient time to be reminded of the path I need to follow in my life, the same path that Christ took when he was here on the earth.
The sense of the magic of the season, the wonder, the awe, and the excitement may not be something that will come back. However, I do believe that I can receive the spirit of the season, the spirit of Christ. That is something that will not fade away. That is only something that will grow stronger over the years.
One in particular seems to relate with how I've felt about Christmas the last few years. It's "Where Are You Christmas?"
Alas, I couldn't find a YouTube video that I could embed, so I'll just have to settle with a link to the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdoMRT5smHc
Lyrics:
Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play
My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too
Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go
Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh
If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time
I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart with love
Where are you Christmas
Fill your heart with love
[Taken from: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/faithhill/whereareyouchristmas.html]
I honestly don't know when it began. At least when I was still going to college, Christmas was something that excited me. I still could touch with that little kid feeling of excitement and wonder. I've felt this Christmas season, as well as the last, that I don't get that sense of wonder or awe that I used to feel. I used to feel so enchanted and enamored with it. I feel like I've lost the Christmas spirit over the years. The dreams have slowly slipped away.
The cause? I believe I've become to focus on the 'how' of Christmas, the little logistical details to help the day go 'smoothly'. I have some family members that seem to focus on trying to make the day as 'perfect' as possible. As such, it turns into a stress-fest. The day becomes just another day focused on to-dos. As such, I'd rather spend time away from family to avoid that stress.
What is the true Christmas spirit? I believe it is the spirit of Christ. It's the spirit of love, of giving, of family, of warmth, of light, of acceptance. I will always be in awe of Him, the only one of us to grace this planet, and live a perfect life.
This song helps touch on both sides of how I see Christmas. On one hand, there's the 'Where did the spirit of the season go?' On the other hand, I can see and feel the spirit of Christ. I think children naturally can tap into that spirit. As I've gotten older, and gotten further from the innocence of youth, I think I've let that true spirit of love slip away.
That's probably why I've always wondered where Christmas went.
I think this year, I've started to get it back. But like anything in life, it is a process. I'm still learning to love and to give freely. And that is what this time of year is all about. No, that is what all year long should be about. The spirit of love and of giving is a spirit I should seek out all throughout the year. Christmas is just a convenient time to be reminded of the path I need to follow in my life, the same path that Christ took when he was here on the earth.
The sense of the magic of the season, the wonder, the awe, and the excitement may not be something that will come back. However, I do believe that I can receive the spirit of the season, the spirit of Christ. That is something that will not fade away. That is only something that will grow stronger over the years.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
A Matter Of Perspective 7Dec2011
I am feeling a whole lot better today. I had a wonderful talk with my therapist that helped to widen and open up my perspective.
First, he had me do a relaxation technique. The shoulder/neck pain and headaches were due to my body responding to all the stress I've been feeling lately. Work, trying to figure out how to handle my attractions toward men, and stressing about giving/receiving appropriate healthy touch with other men has really been taking a toll on my body. After I was able to relax some, I was able to talk about all those things that were stressing me.
My therapist then asked me what my options were for dealing with my attractions or life in general. I came up with a list of the following (by no means inclusive of all the options I have):
- Live the lifestyle, having multiple sexual partners
- Live the lifestyle, have one sexual partners
- Live the lifestyle, remain celibate, only date men
- Don't live the lifestyle, have romantic relationships with men
- Don't interact with men at all
- Connect superficially with men
- Connect emotionally with other men
- Be vulnerable with men that I trust
- Pursue a close, vulnerable relationship with God (this option teared me up when I said it)
- Completely ignore God and His will
I'm sure there are many more options that I could pursue in relationship with life and my attractions. The experience of listing options, as many as I could think of, helped to open my eyes. I realized that romantic and sexual interactions with men was only a small subset of a larger sphere of possible interactions. I could do so many other things with men. As we talked, I couldn't help but here the lie inside 'Oh, but I'm shy. People don't invite me to do things with them.' I know that is a lie. I have friends that do invite me to do things. I've been a bit of a hermit lately due to the headaches and pain.
My therapist then told me that I seemed to be very focused on men and my attraction to them. He said he hadn't heard me talk about any girls, specifically a girl that I had been kind of interested in a few months ago. I can probably count on one hand the number of women that I interact with (by women I mean females older than 9). Only about three of them are women that I feel comfortable enough to share at least part of what's going on with me, two of those are my sisters and another is my friend's girlfriend. I realized that I had a large void in my life. I was totally ignoring the possibility of interacting with women, probably because I simply don't have many opportunities, outside of church and rarely at work, to interact with women. I've decided that I need to start participating in the local single ward activities. I go to a family ward currently, and really like the progress I'm making with the bishop. Hopefully if I start going to some single ward activities, I may find more people around where I live that I can interact with. Maybe I can even find that mythical, other gender attracted, cuddle buddy I've been looking for. There's the obsession with men again.
I stated something profound last night. I know I've heard it before. I said to my therapist that my attraction has very little to do with sex and sexual relationships with men. It's more about emotional connection. It's more about loving and feeling loved. For me, maybe that generally looks like some kind of touch or physical affection, but it doesn't have to be like that. Touch is only one small way people convey the fact that they like someone else. It still is my preferred method. I'm going to have to keep my eyes open a little wider to see if people are sending me that message, and I'm missing it. I'm still going to keep my touchy feely nature toward other people and yet try to explore other ways of expressing how I feel toward a person.
Anyways, my therapist did say I was focusing on one very small part of my life: my desire for touch-based interaction with men. I realized that I was focusing on it. Sure, it is a squeaky wheel. It's a big pain point for me. But there is so much more to life than just that. There's my relationship with friends I do have. There's my co-workers. There's my relationship with myself. There's my relationship with Heavenly Father. There's my hobbies: Magic, video games, and reading.
As my therapist gave me a hug goodbye, he started to talked to me. It's one of my favorite moments because I really like his hugs, and he often says very insightful things as we're hugging. He said he wanted me to expand my expectations on what I can do. He wants me to expand my expectations for me. I realized that I had been doing something like that. When temptation to masturbate arises, a lie often comes with it. "You'll eventually give in" says the lie. To that I say "I can resist. I can with God's help." And many times, He has come to my aid.
As I ate dinner, I had a pleasant conversation with a friend and we got into the matter of perspective. I realized that I can't see the "big picture". Even with the spirit's aid, I often only see parts of glimpses of the whole plan. I'm given just what I need to succeed and thrive with my challenges.
I went home and had an enjoyable evening rebuilding some of my Magic decks. I dismantled one deck, and realized I still had ten regular decks and two Commander decks. I only managed to rebuild half of my regular decks. I awoke this morning feel tired, but not completely worn out like I have felt the last few days. The pain in my neck and shoulders seems to have faded. Sure, the whole physical touch situation hasn't changed a whole lot. It's just not the only thing I'm going to focus on, I hope.
To finish, I'd love to share some sayings/quotes that I like:
"Perception is reality."
"Perception is everything, to the perceiver."
Monday, December 5, 2011
Wanting What I Can't Have 4Dec2011
Lately, I've been feeling pretty frustrated by my seeming inability to connect and relate with other men, more specifically to men who don't experience same gender attraction. I'm guessing a good majority of it is simply lies, false judgments, or fears around things that have happened in the past. My biggest fear is around one thing: touch.
My primary love language is touch. That means that I generally feel most loved when I'm getting the right kind of touch. I don't mean anything sexual or romantic. Simple things like having an arm put around my shoulder or a hug can go a long way. I judge that men in American society are afraid of showing any kind of physical affection with another man. I judge they are afraid of being labeled as 'homosexual', 'queer', 'gay', etc. I'm afraid to show any kind of physical affect, well anything more than brief contact, for the same fear of being 'discovered'. I've thought many times: I wish I could just snuggle up to with this man. I get images of a cat, a puppy, or a small child that gets to snuggle up with the person. There's nothing sexual about it in my mind, at least at first. Really, all I want is simply some loving, affecitonate touch from another man.
Now, when that desire/need/want/whatever to connect with another man via touch gets frustrated in some way, then things start to go haywire. It can get frustrated by me listening to those lies and being too afraid to ask. It can also be frustrated if the man I experience that desire toward is a man that I see only once, or perhaps it is a man that I hardly get to see at all. In one case, it's a man that I've had some past 'sexual' experiences with, and has requested that we not spend time together. When the frustration sets in, the craving for the touch doesn't go away, instead it starts to go haywire. It could become a sexual idea. I could have fantasies about it. I could end up going numb or distant from my need for touch. Basically, it's not very healthy for me.
Am I wanting something that I just can't have? I've thought many times that the other gender attracted men around me just aren't equipped to give me what I want/need/desire. I've consigned myself to accepting the what men are able to give me.
Now, I'm not saying that I have no opportunities at all for healthy touch. It seems to primary come from two sources: men who also experience same gender attraction and children (I know a little girl that loves to have snuggle time with me). I sometimes feel like I'm ungrateful for the opportunites for healthy touch that I do get, because I find myself wanting/longing for something more, something else.
Well, tonight I got pretty desperate for some kind of 'cuddle buddy' so I decided to do a Google Search on it. That's when I found this post by a man (I stole the title of the post for this blog post):
http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Want-A-Cuddle-Buddy/1445353
I was surprised that there was a man who was sexually attracted to women, but who also liked to have 'cuddle time' with other men, a straight man who's love language was touch, but wasn't weirded out by touching other men. I was blown away by the story. As I laid down to sleep. I came to feel that maybe it was the Lord's way of saying 'Hey, I know what you need. Have hope. There are men like that out there.' I remember praying that I could somehow find someone like that.
I hope the Lord answers my prayer. Really, the whole touch/cuddle desire of mine has very little to do with sex. It's all about wanting to feel loved and affirmed by another man. Although sometimes it does feel like I want something that I can't have. Can't have because it's "against the gospel" or can't have because I haven't found the right man to do that with. I'll try to have hope. I just wish it didn't take so long for some prayers to be answered.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Trying To Fit Square Pegs Into Round Holes 21Nov2011
I'm writing this post with much trepidation and fear. As usual, it's going to be something very personal.
I can remember some of the feelings behind the most recent incident. I had been feeling empty, lonely. I felt myself craving some kind of connection with another man. I struck me as ironic at the time.
At church that day, a man had actually initiated contact with me. I was walking in the hallway when the man started to poke me from behind. I turned to see who it was. It was a man that I had asked to give the prayer soon after I moved in (part of my calling). We had kind of talked a few times. I am attracted to this man. Finally, we ended up shaking hands, and exchanging a few more friendly pokes. Before priesthood started, I ended up sitting near him and we talked a little bit more. We sat with a seat between us, and he had his arm on the back of that seat. I could see that his hand was less than six inches from my shoulder. I wanted, desired, craved to be sitting next to him. I wanted his arm to be around my shoulders. Basically, I wanted to feel loved by him. I wanted a connection to him, although I didn't quite realize it at the time. I was too busy thinking he would be weirded out if I sat in the seat right next to him. I walked away feeling like I wanted more connection, like I wanted to hug the guy.
The rest of the evening was pleasant. There were some fun and challenging games of Magic: The Gathering with a friend. There was snuggle time with the two kids from the family I live with. I even finished playing Dungeon Siege III. When I finished the game, it was a little after 10. I noticed that I felt lonely, empty inside. The game was beautiful. The story was moving. The end of the game showed me a series of scenes of all the people I had helped during the game. I felt moved.
I was still stuck with that feeling of loneliness and emptiness. Various fantasies rushed through my head, but I pushed them away, trying to stay connected with the feelings of loneliness. Eventually, I succumbed to the temptation to masturbate. It happened again the following morning.
That morning, I had a flood of ideas come to my mind in relation to what had happened. I remembered a scene from the movie Apollo 13 where the scientists had to come up with a way to fit a square peg into a round hole...or something like that. I realized that I was trying to fill a round hole, loneliness, with a square peg, masturbation. And it wasn't working. It isn't working. I've often thought that addiction comes from trying to fill up a hole with something that can't fill that hole. Another idea that came to mind is from my therapist. He told me that if I slip up, I don't fall 'all the way back to square one'. I'm trying on the new idea that when I slip up and make mistakes to tell myself 'Hey, maybe I wasn't as far along as I thought I was, but I'm not back at the beginning'. It's an idea that gives me hope. An even more profound idea that I'm trying is 'I am human. I can make mistakes. That's OK. I'm hear to learn. Life is a process. God is going to love me through this process'. It's funny how the idea of 'I'm going to love myself, even when I make mistakes' can help translate to my relationships with others. Even if other people 'make mistakes' in my eyes, I can still love them. After all, that's what Christ would do.
As for the loneliness, even with the new ideas of loving myself, I still have that round hole. I just need to go find a round peg to fill it with. I just don't have any idea what the peg is supposed to look like.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Tests, Touch, Therapy 2Nov2011
I've been feeling more positive, at least since yesterday night. There's been some interesting events in my life that may have changed things.
First off, touch is a very powerful force in my life. Based one what I've learned about myself, it's the primary why I feel that I am loved by another person. I've "known" this for years, but I didn't actually acknowledge until I went to Journey Into Manhood and later read 5 Love Languages. This is an important fact for the events I'm about to share.
This morning, I had to do a stress test for my heart. I felt pretty nervous. The technician prepped me for the test, which involved rubbing of my skin with some gel and hooking up more wires and electrodes than I think I ever want to see again. I sat and watched my heart rate, which was in the high 90's to low 100's. That's pretty high for a resting heart rate. Like I said I was nervous.
My doctor came in. When I saw him, I felt a brief stab of nervousness and anxiety. I feel an attraction toward my doctor. He came in, smiled at me, gave me a brief pat on the shoulder and looked at the ECG. Honestly, I did like that the doctor gave me a pat. It felt reassuring. Then he listened to my heart, while putting one hand on my shoulder. When he finished, I glanced at the ECG and my pulse had gone down to 68. After he moved away, my pulse quickly moved back up to the 90's.
I found it interesting, but I did notice I felt a good deal calmer when his hand was on my shoulder. I have noticed at times when I'm receiving healthy, appropriate touch from men, that I relax and start to feel sleepy. I am typically a pretty high strung person, and at times I feel desperate to be loved. I'm probably pretty close to exhausted most of the time, and when I finally feel loved, I let myself feel that exhaustion.
I'm guessing part of the fact that I'm feeling so well is also due to a therapy visit. My therapist and I talked about a few different things, and he was able to give me some good homework to do. The most challenging is to define what real masculinity is. At the end of the session, he gave me an even longer hug than normal, and was restating the homework that he gave me. I found it very reassuring.
To follow up with the therapy visit, I had a nice long talk with a friend on the phone who is a fellow same gender attraction struggler, and then a visit with another friend. It was wonderful to connect and feel understood. It was also nice to exchange some good healthy touch with another friend.
Anyways, back to the medical test. I went 14 minutes with the Bruce protocol, which is apparently 4 minutes longer than other people go. My doctor said my ECG looked excellent, and I have a 99% that I don't have any heart problems. The technician said I held the record for the longest person to do the test. I feel pretty proud of that although I'm feeling tired still.
First off, touch is a very powerful force in my life. Based one what I've learned about myself, it's the primary why I feel that I am loved by another person. I've "known" this for years, but I didn't actually acknowledge until I went to Journey Into Manhood and later read 5 Love Languages. This is an important fact for the events I'm about to share.
This morning, I had to do a stress test for my heart. I felt pretty nervous. The technician prepped me for the test, which involved rubbing of my skin with some gel and hooking up more wires and electrodes than I think I ever want to see again. I sat and watched my heart rate, which was in the high 90's to low 100's. That's pretty high for a resting heart rate. Like I said I was nervous.
My doctor came in. When I saw him, I felt a brief stab of nervousness and anxiety. I feel an attraction toward my doctor. He came in, smiled at me, gave me a brief pat on the shoulder and looked at the ECG. Honestly, I did like that the doctor gave me a pat. It felt reassuring. Then he listened to my heart, while putting one hand on my shoulder. When he finished, I glanced at the ECG and my pulse had gone down to 68. After he moved away, my pulse quickly moved back up to the 90's.
I found it interesting, but I did notice I felt a good deal calmer when his hand was on my shoulder. I have noticed at times when I'm receiving healthy, appropriate touch from men, that I relax and start to feel sleepy. I am typically a pretty high strung person, and at times I feel desperate to be loved. I'm probably pretty close to exhausted most of the time, and when I finally feel loved, I let myself feel that exhaustion.
I'm guessing part of the fact that I'm feeling so well is also due to a therapy visit. My therapist and I talked about a few different things, and he was able to give me some good homework to do. The most challenging is to define what real masculinity is. At the end of the session, he gave me an even longer hug than normal, and was restating the homework that he gave me. I found it very reassuring.
To follow up with the therapy visit, I had a nice long talk with a friend on the phone who is a fellow same gender attraction struggler, and then a visit with another friend. It was wonderful to connect and feel understood. It was also nice to exchange some good healthy touch with another friend.
Anyways, back to the medical test. I went 14 minutes with the Bruce protocol, which is apparently 4 minutes longer than other people go. My doctor said my ECG looked excellent, and I have a 99% that I don't have any heart problems. The technician said I held the record for the longest person to do the test. I feel pretty proud of that although I'm feeling tired still.
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