It's been a pretty interest past week for me. I've been gaining a lot of interesting insights into me and life in general. Some of them were shared in the 'Worth of Tools' post I made last week. Here's a list of some more that I've gotten.
In talking with my sister:
Repentance is more than changing behavior. Repentance is changing how I think. How I think is really the sum of who I am. It's what really matters at the end of the day. How I look is temporary, but how I think about how I look has much more significance and importance.
In talking with a man from the ward:
Labels and stigma only divide. If we are to 'mourn with those who mourn', we need to be united.
In talking with my therapist:
Friendships are not based off of the two friends using each other. It's based off of the two people sharing what they like with each other. It's based off of two people reaching out to support and help each other.
My therapist and I talked about how common interests often help draw friends together. I tried to compare two different people I knew. One of them, I enjoy spending time with. The other, I don't like spending time with. I have things in common with both of them. The difference is that one friend seems to give and share. The other seems to take and drain. Probably explains why one friendship still seems viable and I need space from the other person.
Isolation is something that has hurt my ability to make friends. If I'm not sharing or being open to other people, how am I to make friends?
We talked about my Elder's Quorum president a bit. I stated that I had written a letter to him, talking about how I had same gender attraction. My therapist suggested that I would need to talk to him in person, and that it would be a form of conflict. I said that it was more me taking a risk and being vulnerable. He then smiled and stated that the conflict was with myself, rather than with the Elder's Quorum president. That's when I remarked back, half joking, but half truthfully that I was tired all the time because I was always in conflict with myself.
One of the most powerful insights I got from the therapist was that I was trying to derive a sense of self worth from being touched rather than having the touch affirm or validate my value. As I talked with another friend, I realized that I craved touch and become addicted in a sense to it because I must have a sense of self worth. If I don't feel of worth without being touched, I'm going to be constantly pursuing touch. On the other hand, if my worth is independent of that, then I can simply enjoy receiving touch, without it determining if I'm of worth or not.
It may be a bit jumbled, but those are some insights I've gotten into myself and life. I hope you enjoy!
Showing posts with label Labels. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Labels. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Friday, December 16, 2011
Names I've Gone By - Part 2
This is my second post in a series of three posts about names that I've gone by over the years. I am afraid to make this post, because it means I'm one step closer to the third post. That third post where I will share the name that was given to me at my birth.
Today is an important name for me. It's about a name that's evolved over time.
Way back in the day, we had a series of computer games on our computer. They were arcade games. After the game was played, a person could enter in their name for a high score. One of my older sisters would always sign 'The Master'. At that age, I somehow decided that I was better at games than her. I wanted to 'one-up' her name somehow. I decided that the only thing better than 'The Master' would be 'The Ultimate Master'. And thus, I first started to call myself TUM.
When we got older, my brothers and I would start to play 'role playing' games of sorts. It started out with us teaming up to defeat the 'bad guys'. Before long, we each gave ourselves different names and adopt different personalities. The youngest was a warrior who liked to lead. The middle brother took on a sort of warrior/force user of sorts who tended to keep to himself. I took on the role of a wizard who had gone mad. One of things he did was randomly decide to attack his brothers in arms. I called myself 'Tum'.
As time went on, each of the personalities changed. As I've reflected back on those times, I came to realize that the persona that I took on was a part of my personality that I had a difficult time tapping into. Tum, as it were, was a part of my personality. Later on, his name was changed to TUMM, which stood for 'The Ultimate Master of Magic'.
Tumm was an embodiment of anger. He preferred to dress himself in black robes. His robes were often blood stained from the many fights that he had endured. He was angry, full of rage toward anyone. He could explode on the smallest insult. One of the 'insults' that people would do was misspell his name, instead spelling it with one 'm'. On top of being angry, Tumm was cruel, sadistic, and relentless. He would stop at nothing to achieve his goals. He was also unpredictable. Sometimes he would explode with anger, and other times he would let it simmer. Sometimes he would attack directly, other times he would come at his target sideways, with trickery and deception. Deception was one of his most powerful tools. He hardly would fight fair unless he was sure he could win, or taunt his opponent into dropping their guard to make them more vulnerable. Many times, as Tumm, I would taunt and tease my younger brothers, especially the youngest, in an attempt to incite rage. He was a much easier 'opponent' when he was out of control with rage. Tumm was also the most powerful magician around. His power was unmatched. He was also immortal of sorts. Once slain, he would eventually reform. He was a permanent fixture of the world. Underneath all the anger, Tumm was really a deeply wounded man. He was made an outsider from a young age. His own father disowned him. His younger brother took up the throne that should have belonged to him. Because he chose a path of magic, he was ostracized from a society that worshiped and idealized a more direct or warrior-like approach to fighting.
I think the following may best describe how I've seen Tumm. Imagine a man dressed in black, blood stained robes. Power immeasurable swirls around him. He has a confident, cocky grin on his face. His eyes smolder with anger. He is a man that is dangerous and uncontrollable.
Sometimes I feel like the words I have to describe him don't work. It's hard to state the sense of awe and power he has. All my life, I've been afraid of Tumm. He's been a demon inside to chain. His anger was destructive when I lost control of it. I feel that he's hurt and destroyed many a relationship of mine. Let me reword that: I've hurt and destroyed many a relationship. As I've explored him, I realize that Tumm is my inner locus of power. He is my sense of the masculine. He's the one that sees clearly. He know friend from foe at a glance. He is powerful. He makes things happen. He is magical. He is confident.
As I've learned to channel him appropriately, he has protected me. Or in other words, I've protected myself, and kept myself safe by listening to what my inner 'Tumm' says about other people. After all, I think I have a gut sense that lets me know when things are safe or not. My anger tells me of when I feel safe or not. And much like Tumm, I too have deep wounds inside that I use anger to protect.
As for the magic part, I do have power to change my environment. To those who don't understand that power, it is like magic. I also know how to program computers, and sometimes, it's like magic to me.
Well, that wraps up the second post in this series. The third and final post will come at the time when I'm not terrified of everyone knowing who's blog this is. Then again, I have a nagging feeling most people know who writes this blog.
Today is an important name for me. It's about a name that's evolved over time.
Way back in the day, we had a series of computer games on our computer. They were arcade games. After the game was played, a person could enter in their name for a high score. One of my older sisters would always sign 'The Master'. At that age, I somehow decided that I was better at games than her. I wanted to 'one-up' her name somehow. I decided that the only thing better than 'The Master' would be 'The Ultimate Master'. And thus, I first started to call myself TUM.
When we got older, my brothers and I would start to play 'role playing' games of sorts. It started out with us teaming up to defeat the 'bad guys'. Before long, we each gave ourselves different names and adopt different personalities. The youngest was a warrior who liked to lead. The middle brother took on a sort of warrior/force user of sorts who tended to keep to himself. I took on the role of a wizard who had gone mad. One of things he did was randomly decide to attack his brothers in arms. I called myself 'Tum'.
As time went on, each of the personalities changed. As I've reflected back on those times, I came to realize that the persona that I took on was a part of my personality that I had a difficult time tapping into. Tum, as it were, was a part of my personality. Later on, his name was changed to TUMM, which stood for 'The Ultimate Master of Magic'.
Tumm was an embodiment of anger. He preferred to dress himself in black robes. His robes were often blood stained from the many fights that he had endured. He was angry, full of rage toward anyone. He could explode on the smallest insult. One of the 'insults' that people would do was misspell his name, instead spelling it with one 'm'. On top of being angry, Tumm was cruel, sadistic, and relentless. He would stop at nothing to achieve his goals. He was also unpredictable. Sometimes he would explode with anger, and other times he would let it simmer. Sometimes he would attack directly, other times he would come at his target sideways, with trickery and deception. Deception was one of his most powerful tools. He hardly would fight fair unless he was sure he could win, or taunt his opponent into dropping their guard to make them more vulnerable. Many times, as Tumm, I would taunt and tease my younger brothers, especially the youngest, in an attempt to incite rage. He was a much easier 'opponent' when he was out of control with rage. Tumm was also the most powerful magician around. His power was unmatched. He was also immortal of sorts. Once slain, he would eventually reform. He was a permanent fixture of the world. Underneath all the anger, Tumm was really a deeply wounded man. He was made an outsider from a young age. His own father disowned him. His younger brother took up the throne that should have belonged to him. Because he chose a path of magic, he was ostracized from a society that worshiped and idealized a more direct or warrior-like approach to fighting.
I think the following may best describe how I've seen Tumm. Imagine a man dressed in black, blood stained robes. Power immeasurable swirls around him. He has a confident, cocky grin on his face. His eyes smolder with anger. He is a man that is dangerous and uncontrollable.
Sometimes I feel like the words I have to describe him don't work. It's hard to state the sense of awe and power he has. All my life, I've been afraid of Tumm. He's been a demon inside to chain. His anger was destructive when I lost control of it. I feel that he's hurt and destroyed many a relationship of mine. Let me reword that: I've hurt and destroyed many a relationship. As I've explored him, I realize that Tumm is my inner locus of power. He is my sense of the masculine. He's the one that sees clearly. He know friend from foe at a glance. He is powerful. He makes things happen. He is magical. He is confident.
As I've learned to channel him appropriately, he has protected me. Or in other words, I've protected myself, and kept myself safe by listening to what my inner 'Tumm' says about other people. After all, I think I have a gut sense that lets me know when things are safe or not. My anger tells me of when I feel safe or not. And much like Tumm, I too have deep wounds inside that I use anger to protect.
As for the magic part, I do have power to change my environment. To those who don't understand that power, it is like magic. I also know how to program computers, and sometimes, it's like magic to me.
Well, that wraps up the second post in this series. The third and final post will come at the time when I'm not terrified of everyone knowing who's blog this is. Then again, I have a nagging feeling most people know who writes this blog.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Names I've gone by, Part 1
Over the years I have gone by many different names. I've used these names on role playing forums, in Dungeons and Dragons games, and even names to describe parts of myself. Each of these names has a different feel, and seems to call to a different part of myself. I find it interesting how I can find my personality in these names. I find it interesting how I can label my
Dougal - I remember while young, I was looking for a name for a character in an online roleplaying game. I wasn't very sure what to call it so I opened up a book of names and meanings. Dougal means 'dark stranger' and I thought it was fitting for my character's name. Even in my real life, I've felt like a 'stranger' to those around me.
Dougal - I remember while young, I was looking for a name for a character in an online roleplaying game. I wasn't very sure what to call it so I opened up a book of names and meanings. Dougal means 'dark stranger' and I thought it was fitting for my character's name. Even in my real life, I've felt like a 'stranger' to those around me.
Beutimus - While on one of my jobs, one of my co-workers turned to me and said 'Beutimus!' I don't know why, but that word has stuck in my head ever since. The name has no official meaning. For me, it can signify a person who celebrates beautiful things including themselves. Usually this takes on either a sinister or twisted aspect, as external beauty becomes more important than anything else.
Tumm - I've used this name while doing live role playing with my brothers while going up. As I've been on my journey of recovery, I've found I use this name to describe a part of my personality. This name will get a special treatment in my second post of 'Names I've Gone By'.
Lohmi - My first World of Warcraft character was named Lohmi. I got it by using a random name generator. Lohmi was a tauren. He was big and beefy. However, he was kind to his friends, albeit a bit grumpy.
Elementalist - While I role played on a set of forums, I went under this name. Elementalist is more of a classification of magic users than an actual person. It's from a story idea I've had bouncing around in my head for a long while.
Mika - A more recent name that I've used for a Dungeons and Dragons character. He was a cleric that believed that he could only be safe if he could manipulate the others around him to keep himself safe. He lived in a constant paranoia that people would know what he was up to. So, he pretends to be nice if he can get something out of the person, and backstabs them if they appear to be threat. As much as I hate to admit it, I do act like Mika. I seek to manipulate the people around me. In my post of 'Eternal Frustration' I shared that I feel intimated by larger men. I do my best to try to 'pacify' them so that they won't hurt me, or possibly so that they will love me and affirm me.
Alek - Another Dungeons and Dragons character that has part of my personality. Alek was never accepted by his father, but was accepted by an evil king. He became the king's assassin (it was actually quite humorous because Alek was a wizard). When he arrived at the party, he was quiet and wary. What little he did say about himself was carefully filtered. He lied and pretended. He put up a mask so that the others wouldn't know what he was up to. He assassinated a person that was the romantic interest of another character, and pretty crucial to keeping the world in balance. He fully expects than when he has 'righted' things, that he will be executed for the assassination.
Simon - I've used this name frequently for different Dungeons and Dragons characters. Simon is typically a wizard. He is generally somewhat powerful, but overall naive and innocent. He tends to not notice the obvious things and lives in blissful ignorance. That is, until things come crashing down. That is when he becomes deeply hurt and withdrawn. He's taken on many different versions over the years. I post under the name of Simon because I first used this account to play a 'play by blog post' Dungeons and Dragons game.
There is a set of some, but definitely not all of the names I've gone by. The next post will cover Tumm, what the name means to me. In the last post of this series, I plan on revealing my real name, and how I feel about it.
Mika - A more recent name that I've used for a Dungeons and Dragons character. He was a cleric that believed that he could only be safe if he could manipulate the others around him to keep himself safe. He lived in a constant paranoia that people would know what he was up to. So, he pretends to be nice if he can get something out of the person, and backstabs them if they appear to be threat. As much as I hate to admit it, I do act like Mika. I seek to manipulate the people around me. In my post of 'Eternal Frustration' I shared that I feel intimated by larger men. I do my best to try to 'pacify' them so that they won't hurt me, or possibly so that they will love me and affirm me.
Alek - Another Dungeons and Dragons character that has part of my personality. Alek was never accepted by his father, but was accepted by an evil king. He became the king's assassin (it was actually quite humorous because Alek was a wizard). When he arrived at the party, he was quiet and wary. What little he did say about himself was carefully filtered. He lied and pretended. He put up a mask so that the others wouldn't know what he was up to. He assassinated a person that was the romantic interest of another character, and pretty crucial to keeping the world in balance. He fully expects than when he has 'righted' things, that he will be executed for the assassination.
Simon - I've used this name frequently for different Dungeons and Dragons characters. Simon is typically a wizard. He is generally somewhat powerful, but overall naive and innocent. He tends to not notice the obvious things and lives in blissful ignorance. That is, until things come crashing down. That is when he becomes deeply hurt and withdrawn. He's taken on many different versions over the years. I post under the name of Simon because I first used this account to play a 'play by blog post' Dungeons and Dragons game.
There is a set of some, but definitely not all of the names I've gone by. The next post will cover Tumm, what the name means to me. In the last post of this series, I plan on revealing my real name, and how I feel about it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)