It's 11:30. Normally, I'd be sound asleep by now. Ironically, I had all the electronics and I was pleasantly reading a book and texting a friend of mine. Oddly, our conversation stirred up some very deep, painful issues of mine. To help me sleep, I'm going to be blogging about it here.
For the past eight months, I feel like I've been slipping slowly into a kind of madness or into a state of numbness where I don't feel anything. I've found myself in a frenzy, moving from one activity to the other, like I was trying to run away from something. Other times, I found me trying to bury myself in video games, or books to read, or endless Facebook updates, trying to ignore or numb away something I'd been feeling. Sometimes I've turned to more potent numbing agents, like masturbation. All of this to try to avoid feeling one thing.
Pain.
Working backward from right now, where I do feel the pain and the sadness. I can see that my actions lately have made me feel like I'm slippy closer and closer toward acting out sexually with another man. I can see that I've been putting myself into increasingly more compromising situations. The cycle is very slow, generally every few months. I feel like I've been getting very close to a breaking point of sorts.
The root cause? Last year I was in a very close friendship. I shared a lot with this other man. I struggled with having romantic feelings on and off. I started to become very overdependent on him for getting my emotional needs met. To make a long, painful story short, the friendship eventually fell apart and I had to distance myself from him.
Since then, I don't think I've ever fully recovered from it. I've withdrawn and isolated my heart to being hurt further. I've taken steps to numb myself from the pain, which only seems to make the pain feel even worse. I've noticed that it's been difficult to feel like I have and friends, even friends that are close. I've felt like there is no one that I can trust. I don't even feel like I can trust myself, or my own motives. I feel like I've been playing more and more with fire, and that eventually I'm going to get burned by it, unless I can find another solution.
Pain has been a reoccurring companion for me in my life. I remember crying myself to sleep at nights when I was younger because I didn't feel like anyone liked me and that I didn't have any friends. The feeling has continued with me as I've grown older. I realize that my perceptions are horrifically tainted and twisted by the beliefs I have about myself: that I am unlovable, and not worth the notice of others. Sadly, I've turned this belief against others. Many times, a friendship has taken root in my heart, only to later be blasted by my anger and by my inability to love the other person. I've often felt like my heart was a lonely, desolate place where no one else was. Many times, it's been like Tumm has rampaged and destroyed everything, only to ultimately curl up in a ball in the center of the blast radius and go completely numb. I honestly feel like the cycle of destruction and attempted rebirth has gone on far too long in my life. It would be nice for a friendship to grow, become strong, and stay alive in my heart. Sometimes I think my heart just isn't fertile enough for it. I've always thought that friendships were hard to form. Now I'm beginning to think I may be the difficult person to be a friend with.
The pain is often frustrating for me. I have tried to pray many times for it to be removed. I've even tried to surrender it. I feel like I need to give up on both. Neither has made the pain stop. I find myself praying increasingly more in order to have the strength to bear the pain I've been given to bear.
At the root of the madness are number of competing and fighting ideas and desires. On one hand, there is a part of me that so desperately wants to be loved. On another, there is a part that wants to be free from pain and suffering and that doesn't want to hurt any more. The part that desires freedom from pain says that in order to have love, I will have to open up and risk being hurt. The same part decides to keep me guarded and isolate from others. The other part cries out so desperately to feel loved that it often comes out in ways I can't control. Sometimes that part of me starts to listen to the lie that the only way I will be loved is if I am loved sexually by another.
I can see but one path that may lead me back to sanity. I have many safe places to embrace vulnerability and let my pain be shown. Perhaps there, I can finally step into my pain more fully, and allow myself to feel truly loved again.
Showing posts with label Sanity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sanity. Show all posts
Monday, February 27, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
My (Mis)Adventures - 3Feb2012
I honestly can't think of a better word for what happened tonight.
Honestly, it started out pretty calm. I went to Jamba Juice after work. Tried out a banana berry flavor smoothing and came home. No one was home and it smelled faintly like poopy diapers (probably my imagination). I turned on the computer and started watching the last two episodes of Slayers Try. I was planning on meeting up with a friend after he got out of work.
5 minutes from the end of the last episode, the friend calls me up and I'm soon speeding my way to the place where we were going to meet. I ran into some heavy traffic, and finally arrived at the place I thought was the right one: Ichiban Sushi. I go inside and I don't see my friend anywhere in the place. That's when I call him up and realize the location is on the other side of State St. So, I quickly pop a U-turn and I find the place. I can't see any parking nearby so I pull into an open spot in the parking lot next to the sushi place we were meeting: Red Ginger. I walk in, find my friend. Order, enjoy the meal and the conversation (actually it was pretty one sided because I felt kind of shy about talking about myself). I walk out with the intention of going to his place to chat with him.
I walked to where my car was and had to do a double take. My car had...transformed? No, it was missing. There was another Prius nearby. Did they move my car? No, it wasn't my beloved Synthia. That's when I realized my car may have been stolen. I called up my friend (who thankfully hadn't left). And I searched the parking lot and found the small towing sign that said something to the effect of 33rd Plaza, towing by so and so towing company. The sign was no bigger than my license plate. Now, I've been to that plaza many times and I've NEVER seen that towing sign before. NEVER. Anyways, I call up the tow company, in a panic, and figure out where they are and how much I'll have to pay. $246.50. Borderline basketcase, I get in my friends car, talking a mile a minute. At this point, a man approaches the car asking us for some money and my friend obliged. We drove to a nearby ATM, went backwards through the lane (so that I could reach it), and I managed to extract the money without losing my debit card (it's happened before!).
Then we went to my friends place and had a very pleasant and interesting chat. Finally, it was time so I went back to the tow place. It was a bit of an adventure to find because the building they had wasn't right at the streets edge. We had to drive through the parking lot of a different tow company in order to find the one that had my beloved Synthia. I got inside, and there were about 3 people waiting for cars in front of me. Seriously, the one people kept asking questions and I about had an aneurism. At this point I realized again how grateful I was that I had paid Synthia off last December. Finally, I paid the money, signed all the forms, and got back to my car.
I can't quite explain the feeling of relief at sitting in the driver's seat. And the comforting, familiar feel of the seat against my back, and the feel of the shifter. I was pleased. I wanted to inspect my car for any possible damages, so I pulled out onto the street, called up my friend to tell him, and got out of my car to check it out. Everything looked good, and the tail light that randomly shorts out was even on (I've been pulled over for that 3 times in the last year). I walked up to my friend, and gave him a pat on the shoulder and thank him for his help. He put his car in gear, and it made me nervous because he didn't seem to quite know which gear he was in (he was in a rental). At this point, I jokingly ran off to go hide in my car.
My friend drives off. I reach over to tweet one last time how happy I am to have my car back, when the police lights started to shine in my rear view window. I was seriously reaching to shift into drive when it happened! The officer asked me what I was doing. I said I was just about to head out, and that I had just retrieved my car from the tow company. The officer said he saw me hand my friend something and then run away. I told him I had just patted him on the shoulder. After showing him my license and my tow company paperwork, the officer thanked me for my cooperation and then let me go. At that point, I decided the best thing to do was leave the scene as quickly as possibly. I got home without event and managed to fuel up my car. As I pulled out of the gas station, I had to pull in behind a Sheriff. At this point, I was begging the Sheriff to ignore me and pull someone else over.
I feel so many feelings over the course of the night. I felt rage, anger, sadness, shock, fear, numbness, and tired. I also felt contentment and safety with my friend.
I am grateful to have passed through the school of hard knocks relatively unscathed. I will not be visiting that little plaza at 33rd and State for a long time. I'm grateful that I had a great friend that stuck with me and helped me not go crazy. I'm also grateful that I paid my car off. In short, I'm grateful that Heavenly Father placed that friend in my life at that time.
In short, I had an adventurous night. One that I hope is never topped in a looooong time.
Honestly, it started out pretty calm. I went to Jamba Juice after work. Tried out a banana berry flavor smoothing and came home. No one was home and it smelled faintly like poopy diapers (probably my imagination). I turned on the computer and started watching the last two episodes of Slayers Try. I was planning on meeting up with a friend after he got out of work.
5 minutes from the end of the last episode, the friend calls me up and I'm soon speeding my way to the place where we were going to meet. I ran into some heavy traffic, and finally arrived at the place I thought was the right one: Ichiban Sushi. I go inside and I don't see my friend anywhere in the place. That's when I call him up and realize the location is on the other side of State St. So, I quickly pop a U-turn and I find the place. I can't see any parking nearby so I pull into an open spot in the parking lot next to the sushi place we were meeting: Red Ginger. I walk in, find my friend. Order, enjoy the meal and the conversation (actually it was pretty one sided because I felt kind of shy about talking about myself). I walk out with the intention of going to his place to chat with him.
I walked to where my car was and had to do a double take. My car had...transformed? No, it was missing. There was another Prius nearby. Did they move my car? No, it wasn't my beloved Synthia. That's when I realized my car may have been stolen. I called up my friend (who thankfully hadn't left). And I searched the parking lot and found the small towing sign that said something to the effect of 33rd Plaza, towing by so and so towing company. The sign was no bigger than my license plate. Now, I've been to that plaza many times and I've NEVER seen that towing sign before. NEVER. Anyways, I call up the tow company, in a panic, and figure out where they are and how much I'll have to pay. $246.50. Borderline basketcase, I get in my friends car, talking a mile a minute. At this point, a man approaches the car asking us for some money and my friend obliged. We drove to a nearby ATM, went backwards through the lane (so that I could reach it), and I managed to extract the money without losing my debit card (it's happened before!).
Then we went to my friends place and had a very pleasant and interesting chat. Finally, it was time so I went back to the tow place. It was a bit of an adventure to find because the building they had wasn't right at the streets edge. We had to drive through the parking lot of a different tow company in order to find the one that had my beloved Synthia. I got inside, and there were about 3 people waiting for cars in front of me. Seriously, the one people kept asking questions and I about had an aneurism. At this point I realized again how grateful I was that I had paid Synthia off last December. Finally, I paid the money, signed all the forms, and got back to my car.
I can't quite explain the feeling of relief at sitting in the driver's seat. And the comforting, familiar feel of the seat against my back, and the feel of the shifter. I was pleased. I wanted to inspect my car for any possible damages, so I pulled out onto the street, called up my friend to tell him, and got out of my car to check it out. Everything looked good, and the tail light that randomly shorts out was even on (I've been pulled over for that 3 times in the last year). I walked up to my friend, and gave him a pat on the shoulder and thank him for his help. He put his car in gear, and it made me nervous because he didn't seem to quite know which gear he was in (he was in a rental). At this point, I jokingly ran off to go hide in my car.
My friend drives off. I reach over to tweet one last time how happy I am to have my car back, when the police lights started to shine in my rear view window. I was seriously reaching to shift into drive when it happened! The officer asked me what I was doing. I said I was just about to head out, and that I had just retrieved my car from the tow company. The officer said he saw me hand my friend something and then run away. I told him I had just patted him on the shoulder. After showing him my license and my tow company paperwork, the officer thanked me for my cooperation and then let me go. At that point, I decided the best thing to do was leave the scene as quickly as possibly. I got home without event and managed to fuel up my car. As I pulled out of the gas station, I had to pull in behind a Sheriff. At this point, I was begging the Sheriff to ignore me and pull someone else over.
I feel so many feelings over the course of the night. I felt rage, anger, sadness, shock, fear, numbness, and tired. I also felt contentment and safety with my friend.
I am grateful to have passed through the school of hard knocks relatively unscathed. I will not be visiting that little plaza at 33rd and State for a long time. I'm grateful that I had a great friend that stuck with me and helped me not go crazy. I'm also grateful that I paid my car off. In short, I'm grateful that Heavenly Father placed that friend in my life at that time.
In short, I had an adventurous night. One that I hope is never topped in a looooong time.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Underneath The Armor - A Status Update 11Jan2012
It's been about four days since I last posted on here. The last major post that I made was basically claiming this blog as my own and putting my own name on it. I basically put it out in the public that I experience same gender attraction and often struggle with it.
It's been an interesting and disappointing last few days. So far, a number of people have commented on the blog post, some friends from college and a former co-worker. Also, a few people from the SSA community have also talked to me about it. Honestly, I was hoping for some other people to see and respond. There are other people with whom I want to be more open and honest. Yet, I'm still afraid to share myself with those people, especially about the attraction. Even though it's 'out there' I'm still afraid of owning up to it in public. The most I've tried is texting someone from the group and asking if they've read my blog. All I've heard back was 'Yeah, I knew that you had a blog.' That's about as far as I felt safe pushing on it. Really, if a person does or doesn't read my blog, it's more of the other person's choice. I feel like I've tried to make it public, and tried to share it.
On to the main topic of my post. Lately, the weather here in Utah has taken a turn for the cold again, so I'm layering up. This morning, after putting on my jacket and my coat, I honestly wished I could put on a mask or a faceguard of some kind. I've been feeling very ashamed of how I've been feeling/thinking/acting lately. I know that I'm not in a very good place, yet I'm too afraid to reach out for the help I need. I find myself waiting for other people to do it first as if I expect everyone else to inherently know that things aren't going well with me. I can probably count on one hand the number of people who have reached out to support me or at least reached out to contact me.
Lately, some people have been asking me 'Hey, how are you?' or any of it's variants or mutations. They've asked me in a variety of places. Honestly, the responses may very with how much I trust the person. I've honestly put on a great deal of 'armor' or 'masks' lately to cover up what's really been going on.
So how am I doing?
Outer layer:
In the outermost layer, I'll probably smile, give a nod. I'll say I'm doing 'alright' or 'good' or possibly even 'well' if I'm actually feeling good at the time. In this layer, I generally hide a great deal of what's really going on. I feel uncomfortable going in deeper, so I often move away or keep the topics of conversation at very superficial levels.
One layer down:
On this layer, I may actually honestly say if I'm doing well or not. I may say 'I'm having a rough time' without going into details. My smile may fade. My eyes may begin to tell the truth of my story. Even at this layer, I feel uncomfortable and unsafe with a good majority of people.
Two layers down:
On this layer, I may start to go into the details of what's been going on. I may say 'I've been feeling sad/angry/lonely/depressed.' Even my feelings cover up a great deal of what's been going on.
Three layers down:
Things start to get even more personal. I share more details of what's going on. I feel like an outsider at church. I try to smile and be friendly, but it doesn't seem to help. People don't seem to want to sit by me. People at work seem to avert their gaze when I go by. People don't seem to want to interact with me, unless I do so first. On this layer, I point my finger in blame at the other people. I start to tap into the pain that I feel most of the time. I may admit that I feel attracted to other people.
Four layers down:
I realize that all the things I've been blaming other people for, are really my fault. I say 'No one wants to sit with me at Elder's Quorum, because there's something wrong with me.' On this layer, I tell myself there are things 'wrong with me'. I honestly have a hard time expressing this to other people. I honestly even have a hard time admitting that I tell myself these things. On this layer, I may realize that the way other people act really has little to do with me and everything to do with them. I'm more honest at this layer of who I'm attracted to and what attracts me about them. I'm also honest about how my I am disgusted with myself, or how I put myself down over why I feel attracted to certain people. I put myself down for the desires related to those attractions.
There are things that I am even afraid of speaking about publicly, in this blog.
How have I been doing? Honestly, I've been doing poorly lately. I've been struggling with the basics of prayer and reading my scriptures. I've been trying to pray, but sometimes I feel like I've been left to struggle through things on my own. My work has changed lately, and I feel bored and even more alone. I feel frustrated when I'm attracted to a person that I see either at work, in public, or in my support group. I've been growing more isloated and withdrawn. I've grown tired of listening to the voices in my head that cry out that other people have hurt me, left me, abandoned me. I'm tired of asking myself 'Why won't anyone sit next to me?' 'Why don't people talk to me unless I talk to them first?'. I've grown so tired of hearing my own personal demons hiss from other people's faces.
How have I been coping? I've been trying to drown my woes in computer games, staying up late, eating chocolate. I've been struggling against the temptation to look at triggering pictures. I've been struggling with the habit of masturbation. I've been struggling with fantasizing what it would be like to be with another man.
What is it I need?
Honestly, I'm not entirely sure. Love. I want to feel loved by the people around me. I want to feel loved by Heavenly Father. Maybe part of what I need is to stop sabotaging other people's attempts to love me. I honestly think that I've been hiding from the hurt for so long, that opening up to feel loved is only going to bring up all that hidden hurt. I'm afraid of it. I run from it, yet it never leaves me. It always is with me no matter what I do to try to numb it or drown it out.
This morning, a quote from a General Authority which says something like this 'Assume that the people around you are in distress, and you will often be right'. It occurred to me on my drive in to work that other people are probably in just as much pain as I am. People around me are probably struggling with loneliness, with attraction, with anger, with sadness, and with depression. The people around me are also probably screaming out in pain, screaming out to be loved by the people around them as well.
That makes me think a number of things. First, part of me wants to think I'm insane for asking to feel loved by the people around me. If everyone is struggling just as much as I am, how am I supposed to expect them to go out of their way to express any kind of love for me? Second, I deride myself for not reaching out to help lift other people more. Third, I feel frustrated that when I have reached out, the other people have been to armored to respond. I realize this has honestly a lot more to do with the other people than it has to do with me. I'm not going to try to force a response out of people. If I were to force another person, it would probably damage my relationship with the person, and wouldn't do them a whole lot of good. In other words, forcing another person to open up would be more about me than it would be about the other person. Fifth, I need to show more compassion for the people around me. Honestly, I need to have more compassion for myself, and more patience. I need to stop getting stuck in the trap of self-pity.
In summary, all I want is to feel loved and to love the people around me. What impedes me are the demons, the lies that resound inside my head and the temptations that easily beset me. I often get stuck so deeply in the trap of self-pity that I don't reach out for help, or I reject the attempts of people to try to reach out to me. In short, I'm convinced that I've gone totally crazy in the head. I honestly wonder if I should be locked up in a padded chamber so my craziness won't hurt me or anyone else.
If you're reading this, and you are struggling in some way, please take care of yourself. Talk to the people that you love and trust. Also, even if you are struggling or aren't, take time to reach out and show your love to the people around you. It may look any number of ways. Maybe it means writing a letter, or an e-mail, or sending a text. Maybe it looks like putting your arm around someone. Maybe it means being a shoulder to try on or a listening ear. Maybe it means giving a person some space to breath. Maybe it means trying to move in a bit closer and being a bit more honest with that person. In any case, perhaps the person best to start with would be yourself.
It's been an interesting and disappointing last few days. So far, a number of people have commented on the blog post, some friends from college and a former co-worker. Also, a few people from the SSA community have also talked to me about it. Honestly, I was hoping for some other people to see and respond. There are other people with whom I want to be more open and honest. Yet, I'm still afraid to share myself with those people, especially about the attraction. Even though it's 'out there' I'm still afraid of owning up to it in public. The most I've tried is texting someone from the group and asking if they've read my blog. All I've heard back was 'Yeah, I knew that you had a blog.' That's about as far as I felt safe pushing on it. Really, if a person does or doesn't read my blog, it's more of the other person's choice. I feel like I've tried to make it public, and tried to share it.
On to the main topic of my post. Lately, the weather here in Utah has taken a turn for the cold again, so I'm layering up. This morning, after putting on my jacket and my coat, I honestly wished I could put on a mask or a faceguard of some kind. I've been feeling very ashamed of how I've been feeling/thinking/acting lately. I know that I'm not in a very good place, yet I'm too afraid to reach out for the help I need. I find myself waiting for other people to do it first as if I expect everyone else to inherently know that things aren't going well with me. I can probably count on one hand the number of people who have reached out to support me or at least reached out to contact me.
Lately, some people have been asking me 'Hey, how are you?' or any of it's variants or mutations. They've asked me in a variety of places. Honestly, the responses may very with how much I trust the person. I've honestly put on a great deal of 'armor' or 'masks' lately to cover up what's really been going on.
So how am I doing?
Outer layer:
In the outermost layer, I'll probably smile, give a nod. I'll say I'm doing 'alright' or 'good' or possibly even 'well' if I'm actually feeling good at the time. In this layer, I generally hide a great deal of what's really going on. I feel uncomfortable going in deeper, so I often move away or keep the topics of conversation at very superficial levels.
One layer down:
On this layer, I may actually honestly say if I'm doing well or not. I may say 'I'm having a rough time' without going into details. My smile may fade. My eyes may begin to tell the truth of my story. Even at this layer, I feel uncomfortable and unsafe with a good majority of people.
Two layers down:
On this layer, I may start to go into the details of what's been going on. I may say 'I've been feeling sad/angry/lonely/depressed.' Even my feelings cover up a great deal of what's been going on.
Three layers down:
Things start to get even more personal. I share more details of what's going on. I feel like an outsider at church. I try to smile and be friendly, but it doesn't seem to help. People don't seem to want to sit by me. People at work seem to avert their gaze when I go by. People don't seem to want to interact with me, unless I do so first. On this layer, I point my finger in blame at the other people. I start to tap into the pain that I feel most of the time. I may admit that I feel attracted to other people.
Four layers down:
I realize that all the things I've been blaming other people for, are really my fault. I say 'No one wants to sit with me at Elder's Quorum, because there's something wrong with me.' On this layer, I tell myself there are things 'wrong with me'. I honestly have a hard time expressing this to other people. I honestly even have a hard time admitting that I tell myself these things. On this layer, I may realize that the way other people act really has little to do with me and everything to do with them. I'm more honest at this layer of who I'm attracted to and what attracts me about them. I'm also honest about how my I am disgusted with myself, or how I put myself down over why I feel attracted to certain people. I put myself down for the desires related to those attractions.
There are things that I am even afraid of speaking about publicly, in this blog.
How have I been doing? Honestly, I've been doing poorly lately. I've been struggling with the basics of prayer and reading my scriptures. I've been trying to pray, but sometimes I feel like I've been left to struggle through things on my own. My work has changed lately, and I feel bored and even more alone. I feel frustrated when I'm attracted to a person that I see either at work, in public, or in my support group. I've been growing more isloated and withdrawn. I've grown tired of listening to the voices in my head that cry out that other people have hurt me, left me, abandoned me. I'm tired of asking myself 'Why won't anyone sit next to me?' 'Why don't people talk to me unless I talk to them first?'. I've grown so tired of hearing my own personal demons hiss from other people's faces.
How have I been coping? I've been trying to drown my woes in computer games, staying up late, eating chocolate. I've been struggling against the temptation to look at triggering pictures. I've been struggling with the habit of masturbation. I've been struggling with fantasizing what it would be like to be with another man.
What is it I need?
Honestly, I'm not entirely sure. Love. I want to feel loved by the people around me. I want to feel loved by Heavenly Father. Maybe part of what I need is to stop sabotaging other people's attempts to love me. I honestly think that I've been hiding from the hurt for so long, that opening up to feel loved is only going to bring up all that hidden hurt. I'm afraid of it. I run from it, yet it never leaves me. It always is with me no matter what I do to try to numb it or drown it out.
This morning, a quote from a General Authority which says something like this 'Assume that the people around you are in distress, and you will often be right'. It occurred to me on my drive in to work that other people are probably in just as much pain as I am. People around me are probably struggling with loneliness, with attraction, with anger, with sadness, and with depression. The people around me are also probably screaming out in pain, screaming out to be loved by the people around them as well.
That makes me think a number of things. First, part of me wants to think I'm insane for asking to feel loved by the people around me. If everyone is struggling just as much as I am, how am I supposed to expect them to go out of their way to express any kind of love for me? Second, I deride myself for not reaching out to help lift other people more. Third, I feel frustrated that when I have reached out, the other people have been to armored to respond. I realize this has honestly a lot more to do with the other people than it has to do with me. I'm not going to try to force a response out of people. If I were to force another person, it would probably damage my relationship with the person, and wouldn't do them a whole lot of good. In other words, forcing another person to open up would be more about me than it would be about the other person. Fifth, I need to show more compassion for the people around me. Honestly, I need to have more compassion for myself, and more patience. I need to stop getting stuck in the trap of self-pity.
In summary, all I want is to feel loved and to love the people around me. What impedes me are the demons, the lies that resound inside my head and the temptations that easily beset me. I often get stuck so deeply in the trap of self-pity that I don't reach out for help, or I reject the attempts of people to try to reach out to me. In short, I'm convinced that I've gone totally crazy in the head. I honestly wonder if I should be locked up in a padded chamber so my craziness won't hurt me or anyone else.
If you're reading this, and you are struggling in some way, please take care of yourself. Talk to the people that you love and trust. Also, even if you are struggling or aren't, take time to reach out and show your love to the people around you. It may look any number of ways. Maybe it means writing a letter, or an e-mail, or sending a text. Maybe it looks like putting your arm around someone. Maybe it means being a shoulder to try on or a listening ear. Maybe it means giving a person some space to breath. Maybe it means trying to move in a bit closer and being a bit more honest with that person. In any case, perhaps the person best to start with would be yourself.
Friday, December 30, 2011
The Demons Come In Sideways
First off, this post is a scary one to write. I feel like I may be writing about some thoughts and ideas that I've never shared before. Also, I feel like I may be sharing one of the devils tricks. Also, I'm afraid of some of the ramifications of what I want to share in this post.
Last night started out normal, and slowly turned into something very painful. Typically on Thursday nights, I go and play computer games with some friends. Last night ended with me tweeting some very scary things. I'll start with those:
"The battlefield of the mind is a dynamic place. One moment, things are calm. The next, legions of demons emerge from the shadows."
"At first, the demons smile disarmingly, disabling defenses and setting all at ease."
"Then they slip sideways into thoughts, planing corrupt, poisoned seeds of lies that spread like a virus."
"Finally when the person has started to succumb to the poison, they try to crush the person with darkness and despair."
Last night, I was heading home on what I thought would be a typical night. Rush home, grab my computer, and rush to hang to with the friends. It would be an enjoyable evening where we ran around together in the game and laughed and struggled through it together. At least, that was what I was hoping for. I wanted to try to get to where we were meeting early to see if I could finish a book that I've been reading for the past month or so.
When I got home, I had a surprised. There were a lot more people in the front room than I expected. To explain, I live with a family of four. Sitting on the couch was the father, as well as another man I knew, as well as some of both of their children sitting in chairs. I was so shocked, I didn't recognize the other man for a few moments. He smiled and said 'hi'. In a daze, I think I said 'hi' to the man and his wife and went into my room to prepare my computer for transport.
By then, the demons had slipped out of the shadows. Without realizing it, the negative self talk had started in my head:
Why is that family visiting? It seems that the two families are becoming good friends. I feel kind of left out. Well, that's my fault. I'm hardly home and I hardly like to spend time with the family anyways. The two guys seem to have a really good friendship going on. I guess I'm not the kind of person that the other man was looking for. I guess I'm not good enough.
It happened so quickly. I became pretty withdrawn, and felt like I was a shadow moving through the place I lived. Although I did want to give both of those men I knew, who are my friends, hugs before I left, I instead left the scene as quickly as I could, listening away to the lies in my head:
Oh, I don't want to do that in front of either of the wives. What will they think of me? Will they think I'm trying to hit on them? Trying to make a pass?
It was when I was driving away when I finally realized I was listening to some of the oldest lies I've told myself for years. "People don't care about me. I'm not good enough. I'm not worth love and affection." I tried to counter it with truths I knew, but the poison had set in. I felt sad. I felt lonely.
I arrived at the game night, and it wasn't anything like I had hoped it to be. Me and the 3 other guys were all doing different things in different places in the games. It was incredibly lonely. I made a few snarky jokes on and off, feeling vaguely angry that we weren't all together in the game, yet I didn't do anything about that fact.
As I was driving home, the sadness and the loneliness had set in. My mind started to wonder.
There are deer along this part of the road. What if I hit one of them? I could die. Mom would be there at my funeral crying. Dying wouldn't be so bad. I'd be free from the pain I have here, this grief and pain.
That's when I shook my head and realized I was fantasizing. Still, I felt a deep pain in my heart. I was crying. I was sad, hurting, overcome by grief, a combination of the pain of loneliness, and the pains of a guilty conscious. I knew I was guilty of so many different sins. It felt like my heart was breaking.
As I carried my computer back into where I live, I felt dark, crushing despair. It was like something was trying to squeeze the hope out of me. It was a struggle to breath, and I managed to unlock the house and get inside. As I went back for the rest of the computer, I didn't want to go back inside. I knew the demons were out there. Finally, I was able to get everything in my house.
I was tempted with various things. One thought said 'Oh, set up your computer, look at some pornography. You'll feel better.' Another said 'Why don't you masturbate? It's the only time you're really loving yourself! After all, only you love yourself.' And even, there was a few thoughts about trying to end my life. I'm very scared to admit, but I did consider it for a moment, and even thought of way to do it.
All through this, I was praying. I was trying to connect. I honestly don't know why I didn't feel an answer. I laid down, texting two friends of mine. The pain was still there. Tears were still streaming down my face. Many times I whimpered because of the pain. Sometimes, I just wanted to implode on the spot and stop being because it felt like too much. I don't ever remember falling asleep.
This morning, I can still feel that pain in my heart. I still do feel a sense of guilt over things I've done. The one sin I was guilty of last night was perpetuating those lies I've told myself all the years and for listening to those demons. Honestly, I am afraid. I feel afraid whenever thoughts of suicide come up. I honestly feel like I'm too much of a coward to actually do anything like that. I also realize it would cause a great deal of pain to many people that I love. At what point though, does the pain get to be too much? I honestly feel like I am getting near some kind of breaking point. Something has to give. There's something in me that needs to break before I can move on from whatever it is I've been going through the last day, week, month...time period.
For now, I'm going to keep moving and try to feel my way through this pain.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Music That Speaks To Me - Everybody's Fool
Perfection. Perfection is such a lovely, perfect word. Perfect people are happy. Perfect people have no flaws. Perfect people are always smiling. There's nothing wrong with them.
Lyrics:
perfect by nature
icons of self-indulgence
just what we all need
more lies about a world that
never was and never will be
have you no shame? Don't you see me?
you know you've got everybody fooled
look here she comes now
bow down and stare in wonder
oh how we love you
no flaws when you're pretending
but now i know she
never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled
without the mask where will you hide?
can't find yourself lost in your lie
i know the truth now
i know who you are
and i don't love you anymore
it never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled
it never was and never will be
you're not real and you can't save me
somehow now you're everybody's fool
[Taken from http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/evanescence/everybodysfool.html]
The video takes a big stab at advertisement. I've always seen advertisements as trying to present some kind of 'perfect' image to consumers. If you drink this product, you'll be perfect, beatiful, wonderful, loved, etc etc etc.
What a pack of lies. I've found great amusement when I manage to shake off the spell that advertisements put on me, and really see through the veneer that they've put on things. There's something enjoyable at ignoring the perfect image that they try to put up.
As for myself, I've been the person who's tried to be 'perfect'. I've put on many masks in my life. The most destructive mask I've worn was the 'I'm a perfect person!' mask. As part of this mask, I have to smile and be happy all the time. Nothing is ever wrong in my life. I don't have same gender attraction. I feel the spirit all the time. I don't do anything wrong. I've got 'no flaws when [I'm] pretending'. Really, I hide my shortcomings. I hide my struggles. I'm living a life. In many ways, I betray myself when I put on this mask. When I try to live a life that 'never was or never will be', at least in this mortal life. When I wear the mask of perfection, I'm not loving myself. After all, how could I be loving a lie? How could someone else love me, when all they're loving is the mask?
About two and half years ago, reality started to sink in. I started to realize that I really needed help. I got a therapist that would actually help me get through my issues. I went to my first support group. I started to destroy that mask, although it is a difficult one to destroy. After all, I've lived for 26 years. I could probably say that a good majority of that time was spent hiding behind the mask, evading the truth about the world and about myself. I've spent a long time hiding the truth.
What are some things that hide behind the mask? Fear. Pain. Deep wounding. Endless cycles of lies that I've told myself. Sadness. Anger. The real me hides behind the mask. One of my deep fears is that I will not overcome same gender attraction in this life. I fear that I will have to deal with it until the day that I die. Even though I've done work, and tried to move past and heal issues, it still lingers. Many days I see it as a curse. I hide that fact from everyone around me, even myself. Some days, I've really got 'everybody fooled' even myself, and thus I am 'everybody's fool'.
The best way to combat any lie is with truth. To borrow from Jesus, who stated "Ye shall know the truth, and the truth will set you free" John 8:32. As I've come to know and accept the truth about me, the world, the people around me, Heavenly Father, his gospel, the Atonement, I've found freedom. Sometimes accepting that truth has been a painful process. Ultimately, it's healed me and made me free from the lies, free from being everybody's fool. Or perhaps more accurately, free from being a puppet of the adversary of all that is true, good, and holy.
This had been a difficult post for me. I hope that I, as well as all of you, can learn to cast of the masks that we wear. I hope that we together can learn to be more authentic. I hope we can embrace the truth. I believe that the truth is the only thing that can heal us and the world around us.
Truth: I am a valued son of Heavenly Father. Truth: He gave His only perfect Son's life so that I could become perfect as well. Truth: I am not perfect. Truth: I have many challenges in life, and they're all meant to lead me toward perfection, and back into the loving embrace of Heavenly Father.
Those are some of the truths that I am learning to embrace.
For more reading, you can read Dan's post from Single Dad Laughing on perfection. Click here: The disease called perfection. Enjoy!
If I've learned anything in my time here on this earth, there's no such thing as a perfect person. If I think someone's perfect, I'm obviously closing my eyes to the flaws they may have. Many times, I've felt like other people see me as a 'perfect' person. I feel put up on a pedestal. Sometimes I've put myself on that pedestal. I've put on that perfect veneer. I've tried to pretend to be a 'normal', happy, 'perfect' person.
Today's song speaks just to that. Disclaimer: there is some language in the song.
Lyrics:
perfect by nature
icons of self-indulgence
just what we all need
more lies about a world that
never was and never will be
have you no shame? Don't you see me?
you know you've got everybody fooled
look here she comes now
bow down and stare in wonder
oh how we love you
no flaws when you're pretending
but now i know she
never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled
without the mask where will you hide?
can't find yourself lost in your lie
i know the truth now
i know who you are
and i don't love you anymore
it never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled
it never was and never will be
you're not real and you can't save me
somehow now you're everybody's fool
[Taken from http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/evanescence/everybodysfool.html]
The video takes a big stab at advertisement. I've always seen advertisements as trying to present some kind of 'perfect' image to consumers. If you drink this product, you'll be perfect, beatiful, wonderful, loved, etc etc etc.
What a pack of lies. I've found great amusement when I manage to shake off the spell that advertisements put on me, and really see through the veneer that they've put on things. There's something enjoyable at ignoring the perfect image that they try to put up.
As for myself, I've been the person who's tried to be 'perfect'. I've put on many masks in my life. The most destructive mask I've worn was the 'I'm a perfect person!' mask. As part of this mask, I have to smile and be happy all the time. Nothing is ever wrong in my life. I don't have same gender attraction. I feel the spirit all the time. I don't do anything wrong. I've got 'no flaws when [I'm] pretending'. Really, I hide my shortcomings. I hide my struggles. I'm living a life. In many ways, I betray myself when I put on this mask. When I try to live a life that 'never was or never will be', at least in this mortal life. When I wear the mask of perfection, I'm not loving myself. After all, how could I be loving a lie? How could someone else love me, when all they're loving is the mask?
About two and half years ago, reality started to sink in. I started to realize that I really needed help. I got a therapist that would actually help me get through my issues. I went to my first support group. I started to destroy that mask, although it is a difficult one to destroy. After all, I've lived for 26 years. I could probably say that a good majority of that time was spent hiding behind the mask, evading the truth about the world and about myself. I've spent a long time hiding the truth.
What are some things that hide behind the mask? Fear. Pain. Deep wounding. Endless cycles of lies that I've told myself. Sadness. Anger. The real me hides behind the mask. One of my deep fears is that I will not overcome same gender attraction in this life. I fear that I will have to deal with it until the day that I die. Even though I've done work, and tried to move past and heal issues, it still lingers. Many days I see it as a curse. I hide that fact from everyone around me, even myself. Some days, I've really got 'everybody fooled' even myself, and thus I am 'everybody's fool'.
The best way to combat any lie is with truth. To borrow from Jesus, who stated "Ye shall know the truth, and the truth will set you free" John 8:32. As I've come to know and accept the truth about me, the world, the people around me, Heavenly Father, his gospel, the Atonement, I've found freedom. Sometimes accepting that truth has been a painful process. Ultimately, it's healed me and made me free from the lies, free from being everybody's fool. Or perhaps more accurately, free from being a puppet of the adversary of all that is true, good, and holy.
This had been a difficult post for me. I hope that I, as well as all of you, can learn to cast of the masks that we wear. I hope that we together can learn to be more authentic. I hope we can embrace the truth. I believe that the truth is the only thing that can heal us and the world around us.
Truth: I am a valued son of Heavenly Father. Truth: He gave His only perfect Son's life so that I could become perfect as well. Truth: I am not perfect. Truth: I have many challenges in life, and they're all meant to lead me toward perfection, and back into the loving embrace of Heavenly Father.
Those are some of the truths that I am learning to embrace.
For more reading, you can read Dan's post from Single Dad Laughing on perfection. Click here: The disease called perfection. Enjoy!
Monday, December 19, 2011
Self Talk
Today I want to talk about something a friend of mine called 'Self Talk'. Now, a person may think 'You talk to yourself? You're crazy!' Funny thing, my brain hardly ever shuts itself down. When it's not busy focusing on the task at hand, it could be analyzing the situation, resting (sometimes), or it could be engaged in telling me something about the situation (self talk).
Let's take this last weekend for example. Friday night, I spent time with family, and felt really good. Saturday evening I also spent time with some friends that was very uplifting, entertaining, and gave me that lovely 'feel good' feeling inside (interestingly enough, without a whole lot of cuddle time, but that is beside the point). Sunday rolls around, and I'm still feeling pretty good, albeit a bit tired. I get to church, and suddenly, the feelings of loneliness start to kick in. Elder's Quorum it seemed to be particularly bad, and I was feeling really down. Only after I got home, did I realize I'd been engaging in some negative self talk.
This is a more accurate view of what was going on:
Outside action: I drive into the parking lot, and feel like parking further away from everyone else.
Self talk: I don't have friends in this ward. I don't belong here. I want to park far away so that the pain of trying to pretend to be 'close' to the ward is less.
Outside action: I sit down in sacrament meeting, alone.
Self talk: I'm all alone. Everyone else has a family. I'm not the same as everyone else here. I'm a loner. I'm lonely. I'll always be lonely if I'm single. I'm less than the other people in the ward.
Outside action: I look around, a notice some men that I'm attracted to.
Self talk: I shouldn't be scoping other people out. I'm being some kind of voyeur.
Outside action: I see a man who I've noticed is affectionate toward his kids. I find myself straining to see if he's doing it today.
Self talk: You're some kind of stalker. Why do you want to see that?
Outside action: My Elder's Quorum president talks how if people are in need, they can ask their home teachers for help or their friends in the ward.
Self talk: I'm in some dire emotional need. I need friends in this ward. I don't really have any friends. My home teachers don't visit me. I don't feel like I'm making a difference here. I'm afraid to reach out. I'm afraid of asking for what I need. If they knew what I thought about, they would reject me. They'd chase me out of the ward with pitchforks. If they knew what I wanted sometimes, they would do the same.
Outside action: A man in the ward, who I do consider to be somewhat of a friend when I'm thinking straighter, gives me a friendly pat on the back as I walk by.
Self talk: I really want more than that. I guess I have to accept what scraps are giving me. I'm so tired of dealing with other men's phobia of touch with other men. I'm so tired of feeling that myself. Other men are just so scared to do it. I'm scared to ask for it from straight men. What's the point of bonding with these guys?
And so on, and so forth. All self talk, for me, seems to have a common thread: hardly any of it is based in truth. A lot of it is dirty, horrible, rotten lies that I've told myself for years and continue to tell myself. Some of those lies are:
Let's take this last weekend for example. Friday night, I spent time with family, and felt really good. Saturday evening I also spent time with some friends that was very uplifting, entertaining, and gave me that lovely 'feel good' feeling inside (interestingly enough, without a whole lot of cuddle time, but that is beside the point). Sunday rolls around, and I'm still feeling pretty good, albeit a bit tired. I get to church, and suddenly, the feelings of loneliness start to kick in. Elder's Quorum it seemed to be particularly bad, and I was feeling really down. Only after I got home, did I realize I'd been engaging in some negative self talk.
This is a more accurate view of what was going on:
Outside action: I drive into the parking lot, and feel like parking further away from everyone else.
Self talk: I don't have friends in this ward. I don't belong here. I want to park far away so that the pain of trying to pretend to be 'close' to the ward is less.
Outside action: I sit down in sacrament meeting, alone.
Self talk: I'm all alone. Everyone else has a family. I'm not the same as everyone else here. I'm a loner. I'm lonely. I'll always be lonely if I'm single. I'm less than the other people in the ward.
Outside action: I look around, a notice some men that I'm attracted to.
Self talk: I shouldn't be scoping other people out. I'm being some kind of voyeur.
Outside action: I see a man who I've noticed is affectionate toward his kids. I find myself straining to see if he's doing it today.
Self talk: You're some kind of stalker. Why do you want to see that?
Outside action: My Elder's Quorum president talks how if people are in need, they can ask their home teachers for help or their friends in the ward.
Self talk: I'm in some dire emotional need. I need friends in this ward. I don't really have any friends. My home teachers don't visit me. I don't feel like I'm making a difference here. I'm afraid to reach out. I'm afraid of asking for what I need. If they knew what I thought about, they would reject me. They'd chase me out of the ward with pitchforks. If they knew what I wanted sometimes, they would do the same.
Outside action: A man in the ward, who I do consider to be somewhat of a friend when I'm thinking straighter, gives me a friendly pat on the back as I walk by.
Self talk: I really want more than that. I guess I have to accept what scraps are giving me. I'm so tired of dealing with other men's phobia of touch with other men. I'm so tired of feeling that myself. Other men are just so scared to do it. I'm scared to ask for it from straight men. What's the point of bonding with these guys?
And so on, and so forth. All self talk, for me, seems to have a common thread: hardly any of it is based in truth. A lot of it is dirty, horrible, rotten lies that I've told myself for years and continue to tell myself. Some of those lies are:
- I'm worthless
- I'm not valued
- I'm not cared for
- I'm not important
- I'm stupid
- I'm ugly
- I'm weak
- I'm not a man
- I have no value
The list could go on and on and on.
I decided, during sacrament this last week, that I would try to replace my negative self talk with some positive self talk. Hopefully, that will ultimately change the beliefs I have about myself. Hopefully it will change how I act. Here are some of things I came up with:
- I am worthy of love and connection.
- I am loved.
- I have friends.
- God loves me.
- God is good and faithful. He can be trusted.
- I am worth dying for (speaking about the Atonement)
- I am worth it
- I am worthy of affirmation and affection
- I am working toward perfection
- I can do great things
The list of positive self talk helps me feel more bolstered and more uplifted. It helps build me up, and I feel like it helps build me up in the right way. One more thing that I heard from a friend recently is 'I need to be the change I want to see'. I remember at the time I was complaining to him about wanting to give and receive more touch from straight male friends. He then said something to the effect of: if that's something I want to see, then I need to do it. In other words, if I want to see appropriate male affection be introduced into the culture around me, then I need to be the one dispensing it. It sounds like a big and lofty goal.
Oh dear, here comes the negative self talk again. I have but one thing to say in response to it 'I can'.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Depression - 16Dec2011
Last night and this morning really haven't been good to me. I've been struggling with the loneliness and depression. I'm starting to realize that I have more struggles in life than just same gender attraction. There's the anxiety, the loneliness, the defensive detachment from other people, depression, and an inability to trust others and trust Heavenly Father.
Last night was an OK night. I went and spent some time with the guys that I knew from the fraternity. I remember feeling bored most of the night. As I drove home, I felt kind of empty and numb. I ate all of the chocolate chip cookies one of the guys had given me. It made my stomach feel kind of upset. I remember that I set my computer down and briefly considered setting up my computer and turning it on. I knew if I did that, that I would start searching for triggering images, and possibly get mixed up in pornography. Instead, I finished getting ready for bed.
I found myself thinking about how lonely I felt. I started to go through the people I knew. I was realizing that not any one person was going to be able to help fulfill my need for friendship. One person was not going to fit all of the wants I had for friendship. I starting putting people into categories. There's one man that I trust for guidance and advice, but we don't really do anything together. There's another man with whom I share a number of interests, but he is a very busy person. There's another man like that who I even was close to, but I ended up becoming codependent. There's other men that I try to reach out too, but I always feel like I'm the one making all the effort in the friendship. There's other men that try to reach out with me, but I don't feel like I want to reach back.
I basically started to throw a pity party for myself. I found myself praying, asking, wondering if Jesus and Heavenly Father would be my only friends, the only ones that could really love me, and really help me. Even after asking and reaching toward Him, I still felt like His love along wouldn't be enough. I thought that even with Him, I would still be longing for human interaction. While laying feeling lonely, thoughts of temptation entered my mind. I eventually succumbed to the idea of 'Oh, I'll feel good for a few moments now'.
This morning, it was a struggle to get out of bed. I was feeling empty. I was feeling guilty and ashamed. I was still feeling lonely. When I finally got into the shower, I spent a few minutes curled up in a ball under the hot water, not wanting to move and face the day. I got out of the shower, sat on the floor and draped my towel around my shoulder and curled up in a ball again. I didn't want to go anywhere, I just wanted to sit there. Finally, I was able to get up, get dressed, and get in the car. I was feeling sad.
Driving to work, I was able to feel some emotion: anger, directed at the other drivers. I got really angry right before I got to work. I remember sitting in my car, not wanting to get out. I didn't like the fact I'd gotten so angry at the other driver. I didn't want the anger. I sat in the car until the air started to cool. I briefly considered the idea of sitting there until my body went cold. I did eventually get out of the car and get into work. I sat at the computer, and when it was on, I was able to forget about the depression. When I got up to go to the bathroom, the feeling of sadness and loneliness came back. I guess the computer is just a distraction for me.
Do I have depression? I'm scared that I am. Do I deal with loneliness? I'm pretty sure I do. I was remembered a movie we watched in elementary school on the way to work. It was about a kid that no one seemed to like, no one would interact with. He would go to school and had no friends there. He would go home, and his parents wouldn't talk to him. Eventually, he walked off the school bus one day and just fell down and died. The title of the movie was 'Cypher'. Cypher meaning zero. The person was a zero everyone's eyes. I realized that I had made some progress. I do feel like I have some impact on the world. When the loneliness and depression sets in, I start to feel like a Cypher. I start to feel like a ghost in my life, drifting past that no one can see or if they can see me, they don't care to interact with me.
Depression scares me, especially because that's when the thoughts of wanting to die enter into my life. I honestly think I'm far too much of a coward to end my own life. Yet, if the pain and the loneliness get to much, I may be driven to something like that. The other thing that comes with depression is not wanting to do anything. The idea of maintaining this blog sometimes feels like it's too much. I find myself wanting more feedback. I find myself wanting more people to interact with. I find myself searching for people that are willing to share of themselves as well. Sure, I've had many people tell me they've been reading my blog. Some express that they relate to it. It seems to end there. No one wants to further into it and I'm too passive to want to investigate further.
Sometimes I wish some of the people who don't know who I am behind my alias would talk to me about the blog. They're the people I'm really trying to reach. I can see it as a form of madness. I want to connect to those people, but I'm not actively reaching out to them. I want them to read these words and know that it's me that's writing them, but I hide behind an alias. I want to find connections and friendships where I can be open and vulnerable with another person, and that other person be the same way back, but I'm too afraid to take the first step to be vulnerable. I'm just so tired of trying. I'm so tired of reaching and not feeling like the others are reaching back.
Sometimes I think there's something about me that makes it so other people don't want to interact with me. Am I too much for them? Am I too draining? Do I ask for too much? Do I expect too much? I went to a fireside this Sunday. The first few groups of people I walked up to disbanded a few moments after I got there. Only in one case did a person stay to talk with me. Later on that did change, but for awhile I started to wonder if there was something wrong with me. After my support meeting, it seemed only a small handful of the men really wanted to talk with me. Most other conversations ran dry relatively quickly.
Perhaps I am crazy. I do have many friends. Part of me looks at me with condemnation and says 'Should you be grateful for what you have? Why isn't it enough? Why can't the friendships you have be enough? Why isn't God's love and grace enough for you?' Another part considers the people I have said I don't want to be friends with and says 'What do you expect? These men have tried to be your friend, and you haven't let them. You've turned them down. You've stopped talking to them. You haven't tried. How can you expect anyone to do the same?' Yet another voice speaks up and says 'If they really knew you, they'd run away in fear.' Yet another says 'It's not worth it to interact with other people. You'll either give in to your attractions or be driven mad by them. You'll always live in jealousy and envy of the friendships you see in other people. You'll never have it. You'll always be alone. You'll always be an island. Might as well cut your ties with everyone and not expect them to come looking for you.' I had the idea to stop going to church, to stop going to the support group. A voice came saying 'Oh, it doesn't really help you. When you go, you just find yourself longing to connect to the other men there, but it never works when you try. It will never work when you try. Nothing you do can change things'. Then comes up one of the scariest voices 'You should just end it. It'd be simple. Then you would really know who cared about you. They would come and cry for you at your funeral.' The voice even took a scarier turn this morning 'Heavenly Father is the only one that loves you. Why don't you just end this life so that you can be with Him? He's the only one that loves you.'
It is scary. It really is scary. I keep praying for the strength to get me through. Heavenly Father is the one person that can help pull me through it. It hurts though. The loneliness and isolation hurt. I sit here with tears of sadness welling up in my eyes, and pain in my heart. I'm afraid this pain and sadness will lead me to anger and defensiveness. That will only drive those trying to get close to me even further away.
Oh well. It's another day. It's another chance to try. I feel pessimistic about it.
Last night was an OK night. I went and spent some time with the guys that I knew from the fraternity. I remember feeling bored most of the night. As I drove home, I felt kind of empty and numb. I ate all of the chocolate chip cookies one of the guys had given me. It made my stomach feel kind of upset. I remember that I set my computer down and briefly considered setting up my computer and turning it on. I knew if I did that, that I would start searching for triggering images, and possibly get mixed up in pornography. Instead, I finished getting ready for bed.
I found myself thinking about how lonely I felt. I started to go through the people I knew. I was realizing that not any one person was going to be able to help fulfill my need for friendship. One person was not going to fit all of the wants I had for friendship. I starting putting people into categories. There's one man that I trust for guidance and advice, but we don't really do anything together. There's another man with whom I share a number of interests, but he is a very busy person. There's another man like that who I even was close to, but I ended up becoming codependent. There's other men that I try to reach out too, but I always feel like I'm the one making all the effort in the friendship. There's other men that try to reach out with me, but I don't feel like I want to reach back.
I basically started to throw a pity party for myself. I found myself praying, asking, wondering if Jesus and Heavenly Father would be my only friends, the only ones that could really love me, and really help me. Even after asking and reaching toward Him, I still felt like His love along wouldn't be enough. I thought that even with Him, I would still be longing for human interaction. While laying feeling lonely, thoughts of temptation entered my mind. I eventually succumbed to the idea of 'Oh, I'll feel good for a few moments now'.
This morning, it was a struggle to get out of bed. I was feeling empty. I was feeling guilty and ashamed. I was still feeling lonely. When I finally got into the shower, I spent a few minutes curled up in a ball under the hot water, not wanting to move and face the day. I got out of the shower, sat on the floor and draped my towel around my shoulder and curled up in a ball again. I didn't want to go anywhere, I just wanted to sit there. Finally, I was able to get up, get dressed, and get in the car. I was feeling sad.
Driving to work, I was able to feel some emotion: anger, directed at the other drivers. I got really angry right before I got to work. I remember sitting in my car, not wanting to get out. I didn't like the fact I'd gotten so angry at the other driver. I didn't want the anger. I sat in the car until the air started to cool. I briefly considered the idea of sitting there until my body went cold. I did eventually get out of the car and get into work. I sat at the computer, and when it was on, I was able to forget about the depression. When I got up to go to the bathroom, the feeling of sadness and loneliness came back. I guess the computer is just a distraction for me.
Do I have depression? I'm scared that I am. Do I deal with loneliness? I'm pretty sure I do. I was remembered a movie we watched in elementary school on the way to work. It was about a kid that no one seemed to like, no one would interact with. He would go to school and had no friends there. He would go home, and his parents wouldn't talk to him. Eventually, he walked off the school bus one day and just fell down and died. The title of the movie was 'Cypher'. Cypher meaning zero. The person was a zero everyone's eyes. I realized that I had made some progress. I do feel like I have some impact on the world. When the loneliness and depression sets in, I start to feel like a Cypher. I start to feel like a ghost in my life, drifting past that no one can see or if they can see me, they don't care to interact with me.
Depression scares me, especially because that's when the thoughts of wanting to die enter into my life. I honestly think I'm far too much of a coward to end my own life. Yet, if the pain and the loneliness get to much, I may be driven to something like that. The other thing that comes with depression is not wanting to do anything. The idea of maintaining this blog sometimes feels like it's too much. I find myself wanting more feedback. I find myself wanting more people to interact with. I find myself searching for people that are willing to share of themselves as well. Sure, I've had many people tell me they've been reading my blog. Some express that they relate to it. It seems to end there. No one wants to further into it and I'm too passive to want to investigate further.
Sometimes I wish some of the people who don't know who I am behind my alias would talk to me about the blog. They're the people I'm really trying to reach. I can see it as a form of madness. I want to connect to those people, but I'm not actively reaching out to them. I want them to read these words and know that it's me that's writing them, but I hide behind an alias. I want to find connections and friendships where I can be open and vulnerable with another person, and that other person be the same way back, but I'm too afraid to take the first step to be vulnerable. I'm just so tired of trying. I'm so tired of reaching and not feeling like the others are reaching back.
Sometimes I think there's something about me that makes it so other people don't want to interact with me. Am I too much for them? Am I too draining? Do I ask for too much? Do I expect too much? I went to a fireside this Sunday. The first few groups of people I walked up to disbanded a few moments after I got there. Only in one case did a person stay to talk with me. Later on that did change, but for awhile I started to wonder if there was something wrong with me. After my support meeting, it seemed only a small handful of the men really wanted to talk with me. Most other conversations ran dry relatively quickly.
Perhaps I am crazy. I do have many friends. Part of me looks at me with condemnation and says 'Should you be grateful for what you have? Why isn't it enough? Why can't the friendships you have be enough? Why isn't God's love and grace enough for you?' Another part considers the people I have said I don't want to be friends with and says 'What do you expect? These men have tried to be your friend, and you haven't let them. You've turned them down. You've stopped talking to them. You haven't tried. How can you expect anyone to do the same?' Yet another voice speaks up and says 'If they really knew you, they'd run away in fear.' Yet another says 'It's not worth it to interact with other people. You'll either give in to your attractions or be driven mad by them. You'll always live in jealousy and envy of the friendships you see in other people. You'll never have it. You'll always be alone. You'll always be an island. Might as well cut your ties with everyone and not expect them to come looking for you.' I had the idea to stop going to church, to stop going to the support group. A voice came saying 'Oh, it doesn't really help you. When you go, you just find yourself longing to connect to the other men there, but it never works when you try. It will never work when you try. Nothing you do can change things'. Then comes up one of the scariest voices 'You should just end it. It'd be simple. Then you would really know who cared about you. They would come and cry for you at your funeral.' The voice even took a scarier turn this morning 'Heavenly Father is the only one that loves you. Why don't you just end this life so that you can be with Him? He's the only one that loves you.'
It is scary. It really is scary. I keep praying for the strength to get me through. Heavenly Father is the one person that can help pull me through it. It hurts though. The loneliness and isolation hurt. I sit here with tears of sadness welling up in my eyes, and pain in my heart. I'm afraid this pain and sadness will lead me to anger and defensiveness. That will only drive those trying to get close to me even further away.
Oh well. It's another day. It's another chance to try. I feel pessimistic about it.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Sanity Loss 4Nov2011
I was introduced this year to a board game called Arkham Horror. It's a board game based off the H.P. Lovecraft universe. Characters in the game have both health and sanity. Health loss makes sense. People get hurt when they go on adventures. What about the sanity loss?
In the H.P. Lovecraft world, there are monsters that are so horrific or so alien, that looking at them assaults the very person's sanity, slowly driving them insane. Also, horrific events occur that challenge the character's sanity.
The sanity loss mechanic is definitely an interesting one. It's also used in video games like Amnesia, Penunmbra, and Call of Cthulu. When the characters in those games are exposed to various horrific things, then they will lose sanity. There are various effects of the sanity loss including blurred vision, seeing things that aren't there, hearing things that aren't there, etc. Basically, they go crazy.
Personally, I think the whole thing is fun, entertaining, and at times, horrific. I think it adds a nice touch to games. The ability for a game creator to invoke fear in a person is an art. I'm not talking about being startled. I'm talking about fear like paranoia and panic. The kind of fear that leaves me feeling unsettled, even after it's intensity has gone down.
It reminds me of the last time I played Resident Evil 5 with a friend. On a related note, I never play Resident Evil 5 by myself because the game is creepy. As we moved through an underground facility, we kept getting glimpses of an odd creature. It usually was just moving out of view, climbing on the walls and ceilings. We found documents describing something called a 'Licker'. A creature with an abnormally long tongue that was blind. It stalked its prey relying on its other overdeveloped senses.
We continued on through the facility. I was already feeling the affects of adrenaline, because I remembered fighting these creatures on a previous play-through of the game. After passing through a section with cages full of live animals, I saw a section with some glass. There were two Lickers inside. They immediately broke the glass, and one of them started slowly advancing on me. Nervous, but sure I could sneak around the creature. I slowly backed away, thinking I could loop around and completely avoid fighting the creature.
I forgot something as I finished the loop. The other creature. Out of nowhere, the creature leaped at me. I screamed, and directed my character to run to the exit. Unfortunately, the exit was a door that required a few seconds to crank open. Me and my friend were trapped.
The fight was a blur. I vaguely remember firing off the most powerful weapons I had, running around, yelling and laughing hysterically. When it was over, I was at the door, opening it as fast as I could, laughing my head off like a mad man.
The question is, had I lost sanity? Sanity is the ability to think and act rationally. Because my fear had overpowered me, I had, in a sense, gone temporarily insane. Once the fear started to dissipate, I still felt unsettled and jumpy. In fact, when I left my friends house, I looked up and checked to make sure there were no monsters about to jump me from above.
While playing a Dungeons and Dragons game, one of my characters fell into a cage of sorts. While he was trying to get back up, he heard the approach of something. It sounded like footsteps, and jangling keys. I was feeling scared. The creature did show up, and look at me. The way the DM did it, only served to heighten my fear.
One night I was coming home and walking up the stairs to my condo when I heard a strange noise. It sounded like chains jingling. The sound reminded some part of me of the sound of those keys jangling. I felt a sense of panic as I hastily searched for my key, unlocked the door, and darted inside. I half expected something to start pounding on the door after I locked it behind me.
Today at work, I had another experience where it felt like I loss some of my sanity. A man came over to visit with one of my co-workers, who wasn't at her desk. One of the guys next to me started to talk to man, who is apparently studying to become a paramedic. The things the guy was talking about left me feeling unsettled and scared.
When I got up to use the restroom, I noticed that things seemed...odd. The light seemed to bright. Things seemed to intense. I felt a vague sense of paranoia. My mind kept projecting half-ghostly images onto blank surfaces. The man next to me at the urinal scared me, although he did nothing. When I realized what was going on, I said that I had suffered some 'sanity loss'.
On a related note, last night I had to drive home really late. When I get really tired, and drive, my eyes will start playing tricks on me. Sometimes, they blur and refuse to focus for a few moments. Other times, it looks like something is there, in the corner of my eye. When I go to look at it, it's gone. Honestly, it probably is exhaustion. Needless to say, the experience is unsettling.
I've had many experiences in my life that have left me feeling horrified. There's been experiences where I've been paralyzed by fear before, and I lose the ability to think rationally. Sometimes I wonder if I've lost something permanently in those experiences. Sometimes I wonder if I've gone a little more crazy in the head each time one of those happens.
Perhaps a visit with the therapist is in order, at least, if the voices start talking to me.
In the H.P. Lovecraft world, there are monsters that are so horrific or so alien, that looking at them assaults the very person's sanity, slowly driving them insane. Also, horrific events occur that challenge the character's sanity.
The sanity loss mechanic is definitely an interesting one. It's also used in video games like Amnesia, Penunmbra, and Call of Cthulu. When the characters in those games are exposed to various horrific things, then they will lose sanity. There are various effects of the sanity loss including blurred vision, seeing things that aren't there, hearing things that aren't there, etc. Basically, they go crazy.
Personally, I think the whole thing is fun, entertaining, and at times, horrific. I think it adds a nice touch to games. The ability for a game creator to invoke fear in a person is an art. I'm not talking about being startled. I'm talking about fear like paranoia and panic. The kind of fear that leaves me feeling unsettled, even after it's intensity has gone down.
It reminds me of the last time I played Resident Evil 5 with a friend. On a related note, I never play Resident Evil 5 by myself because the game is creepy. As we moved through an underground facility, we kept getting glimpses of an odd creature. It usually was just moving out of view, climbing on the walls and ceilings. We found documents describing something called a 'Licker'. A creature with an abnormally long tongue that was blind. It stalked its prey relying on its other overdeveloped senses.
We continued on through the facility. I was already feeling the affects of adrenaline, because I remembered fighting these creatures on a previous play-through of the game. After passing through a section with cages full of live animals, I saw a section with some glass. There were two Lickers inside. They immediately broke the glass, and one of them started slowly advancing on me. Nervous, but sure I could sneak around the creature. I slowly backed away, thinking I could loop around and completely avoid fighting the creature.
I forgot something as I finished the loop. The other creature. Out of nowhere, the creature leaped at me. I screamed, and directed my character to run to the exit. Unfortunately, the exit was a door that required a few seconds to crank open. Me and my friend were trapped.
The fight was a blur. I vaguely remember firing off the most powerful weapons I had, running around, yelling and laughing hysterically. When it was over, I was at the door, opening it as fast as I could, laughing my head off like a mad man.
The question is, had I lost sanity? Sanity is the ability to think and act rationally. Because my fear had overpowered me, I had, in a sense, gone temporarily insane. Once the fear started to dissipate, I still felt unsettled and jumpy. In fact, when I left my friends house, I looked up and checked to make sure there were no monsters about to jump me from above.
While playing a Dungeons and Dragons game, one of my characters fell into a cage of sorts. While he was trying to get back up, he heard the approach of something. It sounded like footsteps, and jangling keys. I was feeling scared. The creature did show up, and look at me. The way the DM did it, only served to heighten my fear.
One night I was coming home and walking up the stairs to my condo when I heard a strange noise. It sounded like chains jingling. The sound reminded some part of me of the sound of those keys jangling. I felt a sense of panic as I hastily searched for my key, unlocked the door, and darted inside. I half expected something to start pounding on the door after I locked it behind me.
Today at work, I had another experience where it felt like I loss some of my sanity. A man came over to visit with one of my co-workers, who wasn't at her desk. One of the guys next to me started to talk to man, who is apparently studying to become a paramedic. The things the guy was talking about left me feeling unsettled and scared.
When I got up to use the restroom, I noticed that things seemed...odd. The light seemed to bright. Things seemed to intense. I felt a vague sense of paranoia. My mind kept projecting half-ghostly images onto blank surfaces. The man next to me at the urinal scared me, although he did nothing. When I realized what was going on, I said that I had suffered some 'sanity loss'.
On a related note, last night I had to drive home really late. When I get really tired, and drive, my eyes will start playing tricks on me. Sometimes, they blur and refuse to focus for a few moments. Other times, it looks like something is there, in the corner of my eye. When I go to look at it, it's gone. Honestly, it probably is exhaustion. Needless to say, the experience is unsettling.
I've had many experiences in my life that have left me feeling horrified. There's been experiences where I've been paralyzed by fear before, and I lose the ability to think rationally. Sometimes I wonder if I've lost something permanently in those experiences. Sometimes I wonder if I've gone a little more crazy in the head each time one of those happens.
Perhaps a visit with the therapist is in order, at least, if the voices start talking to me.
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