I've been feeling more positive, at least since yesterday night. There's been some interesting events in my life that may have changed things.
First off, touch is a very powerful force in my life. Based one what I've learned about myself, it's the primary why I feel that I am loved by another person. I've "known" this for years, but I didn't actually acknowledge until I went to Journey Into Manhood and later read 5 Love Languages. This is an important fact for the events I'm about to share.
This morning, I had to do a stress test for my heart. I felt pretty nervous. The technician prepped me for the test, which involved rubbing of my skin with some gel and hooking up more wires and electrodes than I think I ever want to see again. I sat and watched my heart rate, which was in the high 90's to low 100's. That's pretty high for a resting heart rate. Like I said I was nervous.
My doctor came in. When I saw him, I felt a brief stab of nervousness and anxiety. I feel an attraction toward my doctor. He came in, smiled at me, gave me a brief pat on the shoulder and looked at the ECG. Honestly, I did like that the doctor gave me a pat. It felt reassuring. Then he listened to my heart, while putting one hand on my shoulder. When he finished, I glanced at the ECG and my pulse had gone down to 68. After he moved away, my pulse quickly moved back up to the 90's.
I found it interesting, but I did notice I felt a good deal calmer when his hand was on my shoulder. I have noticed at times when I'm receiving healthy, appropriate touch from men, that I relax and start to feel sleepy. I am typically a pretty high strung person, and at times I feel desperate to be loved. I'm probably pretty close to exhausted most of the time, and when I finally feel loved, I let myself feel that exhaustion.
I'm guessing part of the fact that I'm feeling so well is also due to a therapy visit. My therapist and I talked about a few different things, and he was able to give me some good homework to do. The most challenging is to define what real masculinity is. At the end of the session, he gave me an even longer hug than normal, and was restating the homework that he gave me. I found it very reassuring.
To follow up with the therapy visit, I had a nice long talk with a friend on the phone who is a fellow same gender attraction struggler, and then a visit with another friend. It was wonderful to connect and feel understood. It was also nice to exchange some good healthy touch with another friend.
Anyways, back to the medical test. I went 14 minutes with the Bruce protocol, which is apparently 4 minutes longer than other people go. My doctor said my ECG looked excellent, and I have a 99% that I don't have any heart problems. The technician said I held the record for the longest person to do the test. I feel pretty proud of that although I'm feeling tired still.