I'm feeling a lot better. It's amazing how much of a different two days will make for how I feel about things. Some devoted scripture study, talking with some friends, spending some quality guy time has really helped. It feels like prayers have been answered and the spirit is back in my life. I'm very grateful for that. I feel like I'm finally feeling again. I've been feeling more peace lately.
As an enjoyable by product, I've been having some scriptures run through my head. I heard them during our Elder's Quorum lesson. One of them is Mosiah 4:30. Another is Mosiah 3:19. Yet another is James 1:5. James 1:5 is a recent addition. I've been pondering over the last few days on what it means to 'put off' the natural man. I'm realizing more than ever that I need to submit myself to the workings of the spirit. According to Mosiah 4:30, and the recommendation of my bishop, I've been trying to watch my thoughts. The criteria that I've been trying to apply is "Does this thought bring me closer or further away from Heavenly Father?". I have been feeling a greater outpouring of the spirit.
James 1:5 is a newer addition to my set of scriptures bouncing around in my head. I had a friend ask me last night "What are you doing with your attractions?" I realized that I hadn't come to any kind of definitive sort of answer. After talking with a second friend, I realize I haven't quite accepted the fact that having same gender attraction could be a trial or a cross. I realize I've been trying for so long to make it 'go away'. Something I want to focus on is learning to accept the fact that I have these feelings. I also want to stop asking the 'Why?' question so much. I want to know more of the 'How does the Lord want me to deal with this?' That's where James 1:5 comes in. The church has some very clear teachings on when the power of procreation is meant to be used and the Law of Chastity. I've found that some things lead me into a gray area.
The big question that I had been struggling over is "Is it appropriate for me to date other men? Is it appropriate for me to pursue a non-sexual romantic relationship with a man?" After some thought and prayer, I feel like it isn't appropriate for me to entertain or pursue romance with another man. My thoughts told me that a romantic relationship with a man would only lead me to either pain or the desire to become sexually involved with the other man. I've decided to follow the promptings I've received and not 'date' other men.
Of course, 'bromance' and spending time with friends is something else entirely. I'm still going to do that!