Sunday, November 6, 2011

Self disgust

This is definitely not a post to read on an empty heart or an empty soul.

I find that I think and feel things that make me feel disgusted with myself.  I look at my thoughts and actions and I often feel a sense of condemnation or demonization.  I judge myself pretty harshly at times.  I find that it often starts with me condemning a thought or action, and then morphing into me condemning or looking down on myself.  Then, I feel disgusted at myself and any hope for changing goes out the window.

There are a lot of things I can think of that cause this reaction in me.  Some of them could possible be innocent.  Some of them could deserve some changes.  Others possibly are sinful.  I'm honestly so close to them, and so accustomed to condemning then, that I throw them all into the sinful bucket just to make things simpler.  Then I begin feeling ashamed of them.  I tell myself that if the people around me "really knew" what I was thinking or feeling, then they wouldn't want to be around me.  They would hate me, despise me, fear me, and ultimately, they would be disgusted with me like I am disgusted with myself.

I will share a few of them here.

I feel disgusted that I will sometimes choose whether or not to do something with a friend based on the fact of how entertaining it is.  I feel disgusted that I find sitting and talking boring.  I feel disgusted that I always have to be 'entertained'.  I feel disgusted that I choose video games/reading over interacting with people around me or getting enough sleep.  I feel disgusted that the drive to play a video game is stronger than the drive to listen to people or invest in friendships.  I feel disgusted that I would rather play a video game rather than go to family events.

I feel disgusted with myself when I realize that the one reason that's driving me to be someone's friend is the fact that I feel attracted to them.  I don't always act on the drive, yet it is usually there.  If there is an attractive man, I want to be close to that person.  I get jealous if someone else seems to have a good relationship with them be it joking, talking, or just seeming to enjoy each others presence.  I feel disgusted that I'm so jealous at that.  I feel disgusted if I see a picture of an attractive man, and I immediately want to know the person or be their "best friend".

I feel disgusted with myself with how often and how much I want touch.  I feel disgusted that it's not only that I want touch, but that I want touch from men I feel attracted to.  I feel disgusted that if a man who doesn't fall into the "I'm attracted to you" category offers touch in some way, it feels funny, or I feel myself cringe inside while receiving it or it doesn't quite 'hit the spot' so to speak.  I feel disgusted that I see attractive men at work, out in public, wherever, and I find myself wondering what it would be like snuggled up to the man which his arm around me, or how it would feel if I were to give him a hug, or how it would feel if rubbed my shoulders, or whatever else it is.  I feel disgusted that I fantasize about being touched by attractive men.  I feel disgusted that those fantasies can go sexual so quickly.  I often think that if the man knew I wanted whatever kind of touch it is I happen to be thinking of at the moment, that the man would withdraw from me or be afraid from me.  The fear of being rejected over it only serves to heighten my shame at the time.

I feel disgusted with myself that I like looking at pornography or pornographic material.  I feel disgusted when I find myself endlessly looking through pictures of an attractive man trying to find a picture where he's shirtless.  I feel disgusted when I find myself imaging what a man would look like with his shirt off.  I feel disgusted that I quickly scan a new man's body to find out if I'm attracted to them or not.  I feel disgusted that I like the way a man's body looks.

I feel disgusted that I masturbate.  I feel disgusted with the thoughts that lead me up to it.  I even feel disgusted with the feelings of tiredness or loneliness that prompt the temptation to masturbate.  I feel disgusted with myself during and afterward for how I feel or what I'm thinking about.  I feel deeply ashamed about the fact that I do it.

I feel disgusted that I don't like everyone, or even worse, that there are people that I don't like.  There are some people that I wish wouldn't interact with me, or that they would interact with me very rarely.  I feel disgusted that I feel that way.  I feel disgusted that I don't have the courage to step up and tell them to back off.  When I do step up and express my wants, in whatever way I can, I feel disgusted that I did so.

I feel disgusted that I feel lonely and unloved, even though I am surrounded by people who love me.  I have a family that loves me.  I know it.  I can see it in their actions and their words.  My father has expressed many times how he and my mother love me.  Yet, I feel disgusted that I feel empty inside when he says that.  I feel disgusted that I'm so numb to the love that I craved so much growing up.  I feel disgusted that I am so detached from the people around me.

I feel disgusted that I struggle so often with the simple spiritual things. I feel disgusted that I often forget to pray or study my scriptures. I feel disgusted that I forget about fasting. I feel disgusted that I resent going to church. I feel disgusted that when I go to church, all I can think about is my loneliness and my despair. I feel disgusted that I am too afraid to try to befriend the men in the ward. I feel disgusted that I'm not a regular home teacher and that I hardly know the names of the people I home teach currently.  I feel disgusted at how easily I forget that I know and have felt that God loves me.  I feel disgusted on how easily I abandon faith or hope when times get rough.  I feel disgusted that I always think I have to do things 'on my own' without God's help or with help from anyone else.

Ultimately, I feel disgusted for who I am, how I feel, what I think about, what I do, and what I say.

I feel disgusted that I've worked on overcoming some of these things, but that they still come back.  That I'm still detached.  That I still don't know how to set clear boundaries.  That I still feel so angry or lonely.

I hope by continuing to write this blog, I can learn more about myself.  I hope that I can share my struggles.  Hopefully it will help all of you that may feel similar things to me.  I hope that by sharing this I can overcome the shame I feel.  I hope that I can possibly learn to allow the people I love in closer into my life where I can feel their love and I can truly love them in return.  Yet, as long as I continue to feel disgusted with myself, I will continue to struggle with the loneliness and anger that comes with it.


  1. An important part of the Journey to Wholeness is to learn to separate what you do from who you are. We each have limitless inherent worth regardless of our habits, hang-ups and idiosyncrasies. Imagine a $100 bill, crisp and clean. You'd pick it up, right? Now imagine the same bill, crumpled and slightly torn, accidentally tossed in the trash under some wet coffee grounds and other smelly trash. I'll bet you'd pick up that bill and clean it off too. Why? Because no matter what's happened to that bill, both are worth the same.

    Your value does not come from what you do, think or feel. It does not come from what's been done to you. It comes from who you are, a child of God. We're all struggling with the effects of life in this imperfect world, brother.

    I share many of the same feelings of disgust and self-loathing as you. It's often hard to accept when others offer compliments or words of encouragement, because "they don't know the real me!" Well one of the benefits of you writing your guts out here is that we're getting to know the "real" you. Keep spilling it, man. This is powerful stuff!

  2. I am so very sorry to hear that you are in so much pain. Each of us have our own challenges. The great thing is that we have the Lord's help and that it will be of benefit to us (D&C 122:7)

    Sometimes it starts by helping ourselves.

    If it is truly your goal to be a worth Latter-Day Saint, please prayerfully consider the following:

    - Be aware of what you are speaking and writing. The more you talk or write about something, the greater your chance of it coming to pass. Of course, what you speak and write start as thoughts, but if you can conquer what comes out of your mouth and what you write you've won half the battle.

    In turn, start speaking positive and affirming things about yourself. Speak it as of it is already true and in the present tense. For example, "I have clean thoughts everyday, I am in control of my thoughts and I choose to have thoughts that prosper me in life" ...etc. The more you watch what you speak and the more you speak positive and affirming things about yourself, the more you will change how you think and therefore impact your actions in a positive way. Put a reminder in your smartphone to do this multiple times through out the day. Do it ESPECIALLY when you are having bad thoughts. It is a great way to turn bad thoughts in to good ones.

    Remember this formula:

    What you speak is what you think.
    What you think is what you do.
    What you do creates your habits.
    Your habits creates your character.
    Your character creates your destiny.

    Some books to read on the topic:

    As a Man Thinketh - James Allen
    What to Say When You Talk to Yourself - Shad Helmstetter
    The Brain That Changes Itself - Norman Doidge

    - Unless you are looking to fully be a gay man and enact your thoughts, there isn't any reason to tell anyone but your therapist or your church leaders about your SGA. Picture a single man or woman with similar heterosexual tendencies. Or even imagine them having more base thoughts (child molestation, beastiality). What is gained by sharing these secret thoughts with someone else other than more possible shame and embarrassment? And again, because you are speaking it, you are reinforcing it in your brain and bringing it to pass. As long as you are actively working on the thoughts and feelings you are having, there isn't a reason to share them.

    - Become an others focused person. You are spending a lot of time thinking about yourself and all of your woes. Take your mind off yourself and put it on others. Be of service to others. Show charity to others. Make it a game to find something you can do to make life better for another person everyday, whether you know them or not. And most importantly, do it even of you don't feel like doing it. This will bring you incredible amounts of joy and happiness. Friendships and healthy relationships. The more you focus on yourself and your problems, the more empty you'll feel and the more you will bring your fears to reality.

    - Stop being so hard on yourself. Everyone forgets to pray. Everyone has that tendency to not read their scriptures. Quit picking on yourself about it. Acknowledge that you missed the opportunity and do better next time. Or even just do it right when you think about it. Always ask for Heavenly Fathers help to make it a better habit. But please, quite beating yourself up over it. Heavenly Father certainly doesn't hate you for it.

    You are in my prayers. It will be hard work but I absolutely know that through it, you can be happy and have joy in life. You will strenghthen yourself in the Gospel. You will live without constant fear. But you will have to do things that are not comfortable at first but will eventually become of great comfort.

    I know you can do it!

    Here are some more books I have found extremely helpful that might be a great blessing to you too.

  3. Being Happy - Andrew Matthews
    Failing Forward - John Maxwell
    How to Have Confidence and Power in Dealing With People - Les Giblin
    Psycho Cybernetics - Maxwell Maltz
    25 Ways to Win With People - John Maxwell
    Winning With People - John Maxwell

  4. I've never been into video games... My favorite one is still Mario 3 on a Nintendo doing the battle mode. (I'm old school!) However, rather than be disgusted with yourself about wanting to play games over being with your family, maybe limit some of your game playing to also include some things with your family... Find a balance. Don't be disgusted with yourself over your actions, be disgusted by the ACTIONS and not yourself doing them...

    Just some thoughts. :)