Self disgust

This is definitely not a post to read on an empty heart or an empty soul.

I find that I think and feel things that make me feel disgusted with myself.  I look at my thoughts and actions and I often feel a sense of condemnation or demonization.  I judge myself pretty harshly at times.  I find that it often starts with me condemning a thought or action, and then morphing into me condemning or looking down on myself.  Then, I feel disgusted at myself and any hope for changing goes out the window.

There are a lot of things I can think of that cause this reaction in me.  Some of them could possible be innocent.  Some of them could deserve some changes.  Others possibly are sinful.  I'm honestly so close to them, and so accustomed to condemning then, that I throw them all into the sinful bucket just to make things simpler.  Then I begin feeling ashamed of them.  I tell myself that if the people around me "really knew" what I was thinking or feeling, then they wouldn't want to be around me.  They would hate me, despise me, fear me, and ultimately, they would be disgusted with me like I am disgusted with myself.

I will share a few of them here.

I feel disgusted that I will sometimes choose whether or not to do something with a friend based on the fact of how entertaining it is.  I feel disgusted that I find sitting and talking boring.  I feel disgusted that I always have to be 'entertained'.  I feel disgusted that I choose video games/reading over interacting with people around me or getting enough sleep.  I feel disgusted that the drive to play a video game is stronger than the drive to listen to people or invest in friendships.  I feel disgusted that I would rather play a video game rather than go to family events.

I feel disgusted with myself when I realize that the one reason that's driving me to be someone's friend is the fact that I feel attracted to them.  I don't always act on the drive, yet it is usually there.  If there is an attractive man, I want to be close to that person.  I get jealous if someone else seems to have a good relationship with them be it joking, talking, or just seeming to enjoy each others presence.  I feel disgusted that I'm so jealous at that.  I feel disgusted if I see a picture of an attractive man, and I immediately want to know the person or be their "best friend".

I feel disgusted with myself with how often and how much I want touch.  I feel disgusted that it's not only that I want touch, but that I want touch from men I feel attracted to.  I feel disgusted that if a man who doesn't fall into the "I'm attracted to you" category offers touch in some way, it feels funny, or I feel myself cringe inside while receiving it or it doesn't quite 'hit the spot' so to speak.  I feel disgusted that I see attractive men at work, out in public, wherever, and I find myself wondering what it would be like snuggled up to the man which his arm around me, or how it would feel if I were to give him a hug, or how it would feel if rubbed my shoulders, or whatever else it is.  I feel disgusted that I fantasize about being touched by attractive men.  I feel disgusted that those fantasies can go sexual so quickly.  I often think that if the man knew I wanted whatever kind of touch it is I happen to be thinking of at the moment, that the man would withdraw from me or be afraid from me.  The fear of being rejected over it only serves to heighten my shame at the time.

I feel disgusted with myself that I like looking at pornography or pornographic material.  I feel disgusted when I find myself endlessly looking through pictures of an attractive man trying to find a picture where he's shirtless.  I feel disgusted when I find myself imaging what a man would look like with his shirt off.  I feel disgusted that I quickly scan a new man's body to find out if I'm attracted to them or not.  I feel disgusted that I like the way a man's body looks.

I feel disgusted that I masturbate.  I feel disgusted with the thoughts that lead me up to it.  I even feel disgusted with the feelings of tiredness or loneliness that prompt the temptation to masturbate.  I feel disgusted with myself during and afterward for how I feel or what I'm thinking about.  I feel deeply ashamed about the fact that I do it.

I feel disgusted that I don't like everyone, or even worse, that there are people that I don't like.  There are some people that I wish wouldn't interact with me, or that they would interact with me very rarely.  I feel disgusted that I feel that way.  I feel disgusted that I don't have the courage to step up and tell them to back off.  When I do step up and express my wants, in whatever way I can, I feel disgusted that I did so.

I feel disgusted that I feel lonely and unloved, even though I am surrounded by people who love me.  I have a family that loves me.  I know it.  I can see it in their actions and their words.  My father has expressed many times how he and my mother love me.  Yet, I feel disgusted that I feel empty inside when he says that.  I feel disgusted that I'm so numb to the love that I craved so much growing up.  I feel disgusted that I am so detached from the people around me.

I feel disgusted that I struggle so often with the simple spiritual things. I feel disgusted that I often forget to pray or study my scriptures. I feel disgusted that I forget about fasting. I feel disgusted that I resent going to church. I feel disgusted that when I go to church, all I can think about is my loneliness and my despair. I feel disgusted that I am too afraid to try to befriend the men in the ward. I feel disgusted that I'm not a regular home teacher and that I hardly know the names of the people I home teach currently.  I feel disgusted at how easily I forget that I know and have felt that God loves me.  I feel disgusted on how easily I abandon faith or hope when times get rough.  I feel disgusted that I always think I have to do things 'on my own' without God's help or with help from anyone else.

Ultimately, I feel disgusted for who I am, how I feel, what I think about, what I do, and what I say.

I feel disgusted that I've worked on overcoming some of these things, but that they still come back.  That I'm still detached.  That I still don't know how to set clear boundaries.  That I still feel so angry or lonely.

I hope by continuing to write this blog, I can learn more about myself.  I hope that I can share my struggles.  Hopefully it will help all of you that may feel similar things to me.  I hope that by sharing this I can overcome the shame I feel.  I hope that I can possibly learn to allow the people I love in closer into my life where I can feel their love and I can truly love them in return.  Yet, as long as I continue to feel disgusted with myself, I will continue to struggle with the loneliness and anger that comes with it.