Thursday, November 3, 2011

Music That Speaks To My Grief - You Were Meant For Me

Today's song is another of the three songs that helped me process through my feelings after I put my cat Taz down (for the first one click here).

Today's song is "You Were Meant For Me" by Jewel:

I hear the clock, it's six a.m.
I feel so far from where I've been
I got my eggs I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you.
I break the yolks, make a smiley face
I kinda like it in my brand new place
I wipe the spots off the mirror
Don't leave the keys in the door
Never put wet towels on the floor anymore' cause

Dreams last so long
even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you.

I called my momma, she was out for a walk
Consoled a cup of coffee but it didn't wanna talk
So I picked up a paper, it was more bad news
More hearts being broken or people being used
Put on my coat in the pouring rain
I saw a movie it just wasn't the same
'Cause it was happy or I was sad
It made me miss you oh so bad 'cause


I go about my business, I'm doing fine
Besides what would I say if I had you on the line
Same old story, not much to say
Hearts are broken, everyday.
I brush my teeth and put the cap back on
I know you hate it when I leave the light on
I pick a book up. Turn the sheets down.
And then I take a deep breath and a good look around
Put on my pjs and hop into bed
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead
I try and tell myself it'll be all right
I just shouldn't think anymore tonight 'cause


Yeah... You were meant for me and I was meant for you.

Listening to this song still brings tears to my eyes.  It reminds me of all the hopes, dreams, and expectations I've had in life that just haven't happened.  It speaks to me on the pain of loss, and also of the pain of holding on to things that are lost.

Honestly, I never expected our cat Taz to go the way he did.  I also thought that he would live another few years at least.  Honestly, I dreamed that he would never go away, that he would always be there.  Finally, he started to have bladder problems more and more frequently, and ultimately we decided that he should be put down.  To speak more accurate, I feel like I was the one that decided that we should put him down.  Sometimes when I think about it, I wonder if it was the right choice.  Sometimes I feel like I chose to kill him, a thought that feels me with grief and shame.

The time after Taz was put down was difficult.  I kept expecting him to be in one of his usual places, or for him to show up meowing, demanding that he be given more food.  This song reminds me of that time.  I would go about my regular life, smiling, and "doing fine" while really inside I was grieving the loss of a beloved pet.  Things just didn't feel the same for a long time afterward.  Dreams and memories really do last a long time.

On a related note, I've found that I often have dreams or fantasies about what friendships will be like in the future.  Sometimes I set up some really high expectations.  Many times those hopes, dreams, and expectations aren't met.  When I'm reminded of those dreams and hopes.  I get filled with feelings of loss, loneliness, and grief.

One example of this is with a guy I grew up with.  He befriended me when we first moved to Utah.  He was my best friend for many years.  It felt like we did so much together.  Time passes.  We both went on missions and to college in other states.  It felt like we saw each other less and less.  I felt like we had grown apart.

I decided that I needed to tell him about the fact I experienced same gender attraction.  I honestly hoped that he would understand and be loving and supportive.  I hoped our friendship would become something much closer.  Instead, all I remember from that conversation is him saying that he knew I wouldn't "do something like that with him".  It was disappointing to say the least.

Recently, I've done some work around it, grieving and surrendering the way things used to be.  Perhaps our friendship won't turn out how I wanted.  The dream I had may not come true.  By surrendering the dream, I can make space in my life for other men.  By letting go of the old friendship, I make space for the new ones.  I still hold on to the golden memories of the time that we spent together and the jokes that we shared.

Time can heal many wounds.  Time will ease the pain of loss.

Dreams last so long.

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