I've been feeling kind of odd the last few weeks. I'm having a hard time describing it, because it's more of a lack of feeling more than anything. I've haven't been feeling many strong emotions lately, and sometimes only the faintest of emotions. I've also had a hard time feeling the presence of the spirit. I'm very confused by that last part. I recently started to partake of the sacrament again. I expected to be able to feel the spirit more strongly. It seemed to me like many months ago I could simply be still and feel the gentle warmth of the spirit in my heart. Now, it feels very faint. In church yesterday, I could only faintly feel the spirit. I could feel it influencing my mind at times, giving me insight into what was going on. I missed the feeling of warmth, the happiness, the peace. Instead I just simply felt...there. It didn't feel like emptiness. It didn't feel like sadness. It just...didn't feel at all.
At the same time, I've had a pretty bad headaches about once a week for the last few weeks. The kind where I need to take pain reliever and rest to make them go away. Saturday I had one start. Sunday it continued. Today, I still can feel it on the left side of my head, like someone is trying to drive a nail into my temple. It's been accompanied by exhaustion and this strange lack of emotion. Part of me is worried that maybe I have some kind of medical condition that could be affecting my emotions/thought processes. Last night, I was trying to read "In Quiet Desperation" and just couldn't focus on the words. I couldn't feel them. I couldn't relate to them. Frantically, I grabbed my scriptures and opened them up randomly. I tried to read, but it was like the words simply were slipping through my mind. I couldn't feel any kind of response to the words. Instead I closed the scriptures and lay in my bed, staring up at the ceiling. I felt some sadness, and tried to cry. Only a few tears trickled out.
I am feelings something right now. The faintest traces of fear. Fear that I may have some kind of tumor. Fear that I may be falling into a depression of sorts. Fear that I'm blocking out some kind of emotional trauma. Fear that I may have offended the spirit one too many times, and now it will never come back. Fear that I've somehow slipped into some kind of mystical 'spiritual void' zone, where the spirit is blocked. Although, the lack of spirit could be the fact that I've simply desynced from it. Lack of scripture study and weak prayers may have caused me to forget how the Holy Spirit feels. Either that, or this is some kind of strange trial. I just wish I understood what is going on so that I can fix it.
Possible causes: I have been through a pretty emotionally stressful year. I had a friendship that became codependent. I had to painfully back away from that friend. I went to the New Warrior Training Adventure, which was really helpful, yet had the work I did there criticized on the way home. That seemed to undo everything I did do there. I did another New Warrior event that was helpful. I came dangerously close to doing something that I would regret with another friend. There's been the fear over what will happen when my current contract ends. There's been the strange chest pain that was frightening. And now this weird headache. Possibly, my heart has checked out. Perhaps feeling emotions has become so much, that I've subconsciously decided to not feel anymore.
Or perhaps I've entered some strange layer of hell, the layer where no one feels anything at all. That is a frightening thought.
Do you think you might need a 90 day treatment program or discipleship program? If so, perhaps I can tell you more about what I am about to experience, i.e., a 90 day program. Once I complete it, I'm hoping to have even more solid experience, that would perhaps mean even more to you, in the way of my personal experience. If you're interested, I could give you my e-mail address or phone # for later. God bless you, where-ever your journey leads you! John Rowe, Seal Beach, CA.
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