After writing the post on self disgust, I went into a pretty black mood. I don't know where it came from. Maybe I've been ignoring that self disgust so much that it all overcame me in a wave. Maybe writing up that post made me feel black. It was hard to think straight, or even think at all. My emotions seemed to be highly dampened. I felt depressed and just felt like I was caught in a mire.
I went to church anyways. I think that was a good choice. I remember praying during fast and testimony meeting for help. I wanted to overcome the feelings I had. I didn't like feel miserable or trapped. I didn't like feeling stuck. I hate feeling stuck.
Finally, just before I had to conduct the music of Elders Quorum, I felt something warm and light inside. I was so grateful for a break in the cloud.
I was driving to a family dinner, and I felt worried. I was planning on telling my two older sisters that I had same gender attraction. I reminded myself that my sisters loved me and that my family loves me. Then I felt another overwhelming wave of warmth and light inside me. I thought to myself "Isn't it nice to have a break in the clouds?" The thought arose that this wouldn't last forever and I ignored it. Instead, I simply wanted to enjoy the warmth and the light for as long as it lasted.
I told my sisters and they were both understanding. One came and wrapper her arm around me and hugged me in close. They both had questions, well, one had a lot of questions about what kind of therapy and work I was doing. It was a very positive experience. I actually enjoyed that time with the family. The chaos of having 8 nieces and nephews running around, crying, shouting, screaming, and playing. I helped washed the dishes. The food was excellent.
The experience of telling my sisters was so positive that I started to wonder why I hadn't done that before. I immediately stifled that thought. I knew that if I entertained the "Why did I wait so long to..." thought, that I would simply get upset and disgusted with myself again. I didn't want to feel that. I instead wanted to enjoy how I was feeling at that moment.
When I was leaving, feeling happy, the thought came again that "This doesn't last". I again tried to ignore that thought. Now that the black mood has passed, I can see that pessimism was heavily involved. When I feel bad, I think I'm going to feel like that forever. My pessimism states that my life is a sea of black with some brief moments of light. When I feel happy, my pessimism states that it won't last. In fact, it says that when I wake up, I'm going to be all grumpy and in a bad mood again.
Well, that was partially true. Although, I think I realized that again this morning. I need to look at, and celebrate what is good in life. For instance, I was totally tickled pink by the fact I had a loofah in the shower this morning. Later, I was amused by the fact that I could see my breath this morning. I looked back at an experience that seemed 'negative' and saw that I learned to trust in the Lord more because of the experience.
Instead of looking at something and thinking "What's wrong?" I can think "What's right?". Instead of looking back and saying "What was I thinking?" I can say "What was I learning?".
I am grateful that Heavenly Father answers prayers. I'm also grateful that he responds to fasts. I was actually fasting that my family would be understanding and open to what I had to share.