Small Rays of Sunshine 6Nov2011

After writing the post on self disgust, I went into a pretty black mood.  I don't know where it came from.  Maybe I've been ignoring that self disgust so much that it all overcame me in a wave.  Maybe writing up that post made me feel black.  It was hard to think straight, or even think at all.  My emotions seemed to be highly dampened.  I felt depressed and just felt like I was caught in a mire.

I went to church anyways.  I think that was a good choice.  I remember praying during fast and testimony meeting for help.  I wanted to overcome the feelings I had.  I didn't like feel miserable or trapped.  I didn't like feeling stuck.  I hate feeling stuck.

Finally, just before I had to conduct the music of Elders Quorum, I felt something warm and light inside.  I was so grateful for a break in the cloud.

I was driving to a family dinner, and I felt worried.  I was planning on telling my two older sisters that I had same gender attraction.  I reminded myself that my sisters loved me and that my family loves me.  Then I felt another overwhelming wave of warmth and light inside me.  I thought to myself "Isn't it nice to have a break in the clouds?"  The thought arose that this wouldn't last forever and I ignored it.  Instead, I simply wanted to enjoy the warmth and the light for as long as it lasted.

I told my sisters and they were both understanding.  One came and wrapper her arm around me and hugged me in close.  They both had questions, well, one had a lot of questions about what kind of therapy and work I was doing.  It was a very positive experience.  I actually enjoyed that time with the family.  The chaos of having 8 nieces and nephews running around, crying, shouting, screaming, and playing.  I helped washed the dishes.  The food was excellent.

The experience of telling my sisters was so positive that I started to wonder why I hadn't done that before.  I immediately stifled that thought.  I knew that if I entertained the "Why did I wait so long to..." thought, that I would simply get upset and disgusted with myself again.  I didn't want to feel that.  I instead wanted to enjoy how I was feeling at that moment.

When I was leaving, feeling happy, the thought came again that "This doesn't last".  I again tried to ignore that thought.  Now that the black mood has passed, I can see that pessimism was heavily involved.  When I feel bad, I think I'm going to feel like that forever.  My pessimism states that my life is a sea of black with some brief moments of light.  When I feel happy, my pessimism states that it won't last.  In fact, it says that when I wake up, I'm going to be all grumpy and in a bad mood again.

Well, that was partially true.  Although, I think I realized that again this morning.  I need to look at, and celebrate what is good in life.  For instance, I was totally tickled pink by the fact I had a loofah in the shower this morning.  Later, I was amused by the fact that I could see my breath this morning.  I looked back at an experience that seemed 'negative' and saw that I learned to trust in the Lord more because of the experience.

Instead of looking at something and thinking "What's wrong?" I can think "What's right?".  Instead of looking back and saying "What was I thinking?" I can say "What was I learning?".

I am grateful that Heavenly Father answers prayers.  I'm also grateful that he responds to fasts.  I was actually fasting that my family would be understanding and open to what I had to share.