Those of you who are new to the blog may not know of my passion for video games. I've actually even enjoyed it to the point of watching other people play through the game and make commentary. I decided to try out doing the same thing myself. I'm still really knew to it. I laugh at my own voice and jokes many time. I've really enjoyed doing it.
So, if any of you share in that passion, feel free to check me out on youtube!
http://www.youtube.com/user/Beutimus <- Click here! :)
Oh, and video games have been eating up most of my time, and friends. I probably could due to put up a status update here sometime soon.
Showing posts with label Video Games. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Video Games. Show all posts
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Underneath The Armor - A Status Update 11Jan2012
It's been about four days since I last posted on here. The last major post that I made was basically claiming this blog as my own and putting my own name on it. I basically put it out in the public that I experience same gender attraction and often struggle with it.
It's been an interesting and disappointing last few days. So far, a number of people have commented on the blog post, some friends from college and a former co-worker. Also, a few people from the SSA community have also talked to me about it. Honestly, I was hoping for some other people to see and respond. There are other people with whom I want to be more open and honest. Yet, I'm still afraid to share myself with those people, especially about the attraction. Even though it's 'out there' I'm still afraid of owning up to it in public. The most I've tried is texting someone from the group and asking if they've read my blog. All I've heard back was 'Yeah, I knew that you had a blog.' That's about as far as I felt safe pushing on it. Really, if a person does or doesn't read my blog, it's more of the other person's choice. I feel like I've tried to make it public, and tried to share it.
On to the main topic of my post. Lately, the weather here in Utah has taken a turn for the cold again, so I'm layering up. This morning, after putting on my jacket and my coat, I honestly wished I could put on a mask or a faceguard of some kind. I've been feeling very ashamed of how I've been feeling/thinking/acting lately. I know that I'm not in a very good place, yet I'm too afraid to reach out for the help I need. I find myself waiting for other people to do it first as if I expect everyone else to inherently know that things aren't going well with me. I can probably count on one hand the number of people who have reached out to support me or at least reached out to contact me.
Lately, some people have been asking me 'Hey, how are you?' or any of it's variants or mutations. They've asked me in a variety of places. Honestly, the responses may very with how much I trust the person. I've honestly put on a great deal of 'armor' or 'masks' lately to cover up what's really been going on.
So how am I doing?
Outer layer:
In the outermost layer, I'll probably smile, give a nod. I'll say I'm doing 'alright' or 'good' or possibly even 'well' if I'm actually feeling good at the time. In this layer, I generally hide a great deal of what's really going on. I feel uncomfortable going in deeper, so I often move away or keep the topics of conversation at very superficial levels.
One layer down:
On this layer, I may actually honestly say if I'm doing well or not. I may say 'I'm having a rough time' without going into details. My smile may fade. My eyes may begin to tell the truth of my story. Even at this layer, I feel uncomfortable and unsafe with a good majority of people.
Two layers down:
On this layer, I may start to go into the details of what's been going on. I may say 'I've been feeling sad/angry/lonely/depressed.' Even my feelings cover up a great deal of what's been going on.
Three layers down:
Things start to get even more personal. I share more details of what's going on. I feel like an outsider at church. I try to smile and be friendly, but it doesn't seem to help. People don't seem to want to sit by me. People at work seem to avert their gaze when I go by. People don't seem to want to interact with me, unless I do so first. On this layer, I point my finger in blame at the other people. I start to tap into the pain that I feel most of the time. I may admit that I feel attracted to other people.
Four layers down:
I realize that all the things I've been blaming other people for, are really my fault. I say 'No one wants to sit with me at Elder's Quorum, because there's something wrong with me.' On this layer, I tell myself there are things 'wrong with me'. I honestly have a hard time expressing this to other people. I honestly even have a hard time admitting that I tell myself these things. On this layer, I may realize that the way other people act really has little to do with me and everything to do with them. I'm more honest at this layer of who I'm attracted to and what attracts me about them. I'm also honest about how my I am disgusted with myself, or how I put myself down over why I feel attracted to certain people. I put myself down for the desires related to those attractions.
There are things that I am even afraid of speaking about publicly, in this blog.
How have I been doing? Honestly, I've been doing poorly lately. I've been struggling with the basics of prayer and reading my scriptures. I've been trying to pray, but sometimes I feel like I've been left to struggle through things on my own. My work has changed lately, and I feel bored and even more alone. I feel frustrated when I'm attracted to a person that I see either at work, in public, or in my support group. I've been growing more isloated and withdrawn. I've grown tired of listening to the voices in my head that cry out that other people have hurt me, left me, abandoned me. I'm tired of asking myself 'Why won't anyone sit next to me?' 'Why don't people talk to me unless I talk to them first?'. I've grown so tired of hearing my own personal demons hiss from other people's faces.
How have I been coping? I've been trying to drown my woes in computer games, staying up late, eating chocolate. I've been struggling against the temptation to look at triggering pictures. I've been struggling with the habit of masturbation. I've been struggling with fantasizing what it would be like to be with another man.
What is it I need?
Honestly, I'm not entirely sure. Love. I want to feel loved by the people around me. I want to feel loved by Heavenly Father. Maybe part of what I need is to stop sabotaging other people's attempts to love me. I honestly think that I've been hiding from the hurt for so long, that opening up to feel loved is only going to bring up all that hidden hurt. I'm afraid of it. I run from it, yet it never leaves me. It always is with me no matter what I do to try to numb it or drown it out.
This morning, a quote from a General Authority which says something like this 'Assume that the people around you are in distress, and you will often be right'. It occurred to me on my drive in to work that other people are probably in just as much pain as I am. People around me are probably struggling with loneliness, with attraction, with anger, with sadness, and with depression. The people around me are also probably screaming out in pain, screaming out to be loved by the people around them as well.
That makes me think a number of things. First, part of me wants to think I'm insane for asking to feel loved by the people around me. If everyone is struggling just as much as I am, how am I supposed to expect them to go out of their way to express any kind of love for me? Second, I deride myself for not reaching out to help lift other people more. Third, I feel frustrated that when I have reached out, the other people have been to armored to respond. I realize this has honestly a lot more to do with the other people than it has to do with me. I'm not going to try to force a response out of people. If I were to force another person, it would probably damage my relationship with the person, and wouldn't do them a whole lot of good. In other words, forcing another person to open up would be more about me than it would be about the other person. Fifth, I need to show more compassion for the people around me. Honestly, I need to have more compassion for myself, and more patience. I need to stop getting stuck in the trap of self-pity.
In summary, all I want is to feel loved and to love the people around me. What impedes me are the demons, the lies that resound inside my head and the temptations that easily beset me. I often get stuck so deeply in the trap of self-pity that I don't reach out for help, or I reject the attempts of people to try to reach out to me. In short, I'm convinced that I've gone totally crazy in the head. I honestly wonder if I should be locked up in a padded chamber so my craziness won't hurt me or anyone else.
If you're reading this, and you are struggling in some way, please take care of yourself. Talk to the people that you love and trust. Also, even if you are struggling or aren't, take time to reach out and show your love to the people around you. It may look any number of ways. Maybe it means writing a letter, or an e-mail, or sending a text. Maybe it looks like putting your arm around someone. Maybe it means being a shoulder to try on or a listening ear. Maybe it means giving a person some space to breath. Maybe it means trying to move in a bit closer and being a bit more honest with that person. In any case, perhaps the person best to start with would be yourself.
It's been an interesting and disappointing last few days. So far, a number of people have commented on the blog post, some friends from college and a former co-worker. Also, a few people from the SSA community have also talked to me about it. Honestly, I was hoping for some other people to see and respond. There are other people with whom I want to be more open and honest. Yet, I'm still afraid to share myself with those people, especially about the attraction. Even though it's 'out there' I'm still afraid of owning up to it in public. The most I've tried is texting someone from the group and asking if they've read my blog. All I've heard back was 'Yeah, I knew that you had a blog.' That's about as far as I felt safe pushing on it. Really, if a person does or doesn't read my blog, it's more of the other person's choice. I feel like I've tried to make it public, and tried to share it.
On to the main topic of my post. Lately, the weather here in Utah has taken a turn for the cold again, so I'm layering up. This morning, after putting on my jacket and my coat, I honestly wished I could put on a mask or a faceguard of some kind. I've been feeling very ashamed of how I've been feeling/thinking/acting lately. I know that I'm not in a very good place, yet I'm too afraid to reach out for the help I need. I find myself waiting for other people to do it first as if I expect everyone else to inherently know that things aren't going well with me. I can probably count on one hand the number of people who have reached out to support me or at least reached out to contact me.
Lately, some people have been asking me 'Hey, how are you?' or any of it's variants or mutations. They've asked me in a variety of places. Honestly, the responses may very with how much I trust the person. I've honestly put on a great deal of 'armor' or 'masks' lately to cover up what's really been going on.
So how am I doing?
Outer layer:
In the outermost layer, I'll probably smile, give a nod. I'll say I'm doing 'alright' or 'good' or possibly even 'well' if I'm actually feeling good at the time. In this layer, I generally hide a great deal of what's really going on. I feel uncomfortable going in deeper, so I often move away or keep the topics of conversation at very superficial levels.
One layer down:
On this layer, I may actually honestly say if I'm doing well or not. I may say 'I'm having a rough time' without going into details. My smile may fade. My eyes may begin to tell the truth of my story. Even at this layer, I feel uncomfortable and unsafe with a good majority of people.
Two layers down:
On this layer, I may start to go into the details of what's been going on. I may say 'I've been feeling sad/angry/lonely/depressed.' Even my feelings cover up a great deal of what's been going on.
Three layers down:
Things start to get even more personal. I share more details of what's going on. I feel like an outsider at church. I try to smile and be friendly, but it doesn't seem to help. People don't seem to want to sit by me. People at work seem to avert their gaze when I go by. People don't seem to want to interact with me, unless I do so first. On this layer, I point my finger in blame at the other people. I start to tap into the pain that I feel most of the time. I may admit that I feel attracted to other people.
Four layers down:
I realize that all the things I've been blaming other people for, are really my fault. I say 'No one wants to sit with me at Elder's Quorum, because there's something wrong with me.' On this layer, I tell myself there are things 'wrong with me'. I honestly have a hard time expressing this to other people. I honestly even have a hard time admitting that I tell myself these things. On this layer, I may realize that the way other people act really has little to do with me and everything to do with them. I'm more honest at this layer of who I'm attracted to and what attracts me about them. I'm also honest about how my I am disgusted with myself, or how I put myself down over why I feel attracted to certain people. I put myself down for the desires related to those attractions.
There are things that I am even afraid of speaking about publicly, in this blog.
How have I been doing? Honestly, I've been doing poorly lately. I've been struggling with the basics of prayer and reading my scriptures. I've been trying to pray, but sometimes I feel like I've been left to struggle through things on my own. My work has changed lately, and I feel bored and even more alone. I feel frustrated when I'm attracted to a person that I see either at work, in public, or in my support group. I've been growing more isloated and withdrawn. I've grown tired of listening to the voices in my head that cry out that other people have hurt me, left me, abandoned me. I'm tired of asking myself 'Why won't anyone sit next to me?' 'Why don't people talk to me unless I talk to them first?'. I've grown so tired of hearing my own personal demons hiss from other people's faces.
How have I been coping? I've been trying to drown my woes in computer games, staying up late, eating chocolate. I've been struggling against the temptation to look at triggering pictures. I've been struggling with the habit of masturbation. I've been struggling with fantasizing what it would be like to be with another man.
What is it I need?
Honestly, I'm not entirely sure. Love. I want to feel loved by the people around me. I want to feel loved by Heavenly Father. Maybe part of what I need is to stop sabotaging other people's attempts to love me. I honestly think that I've been hiding from the hurt for so long, that opening up to feel loved is only going to bring up all that hidden hurt. I'm afraid of it. I run from it, yet it never leaves me. It always is with me no matter what I do to try to numb it or drown it out.
This morning, a quote from a General Authority which says something like this 'Assume that the people around you are in distress, and you will often be right'. It occurred to me on my drive in to work that other people are probably in just as much pain as I am. People around me are probably struggling with loneliness, with attraction, with anger, with sadness, and with depression. The people around me are also probably screaming out in pain, screaming out to be loved by the people around them as well.
That makes me think a number of things. First, part of me wants to think I'm insane for asking to feel loved by the people around me. If everyone is struggling just as much as I am, how am I supposed to expect them to go out of their way to express any kind of love for me? Second, I deride myself for not reaching out to help lift other people more. Third, I feel frustrated that when I have reached out, the other people have been to armored to respond. I realize this has honestly a lot more to do with the other people than it has to do with me. I'm not going to try to force a response out of people. If I were to force another person, it would probably damage my relationship with the person, and wouldn't do them a whole lot of good. In other words, forcing another person to open up would be more about me than it would be about the other person. Fifth, I need to show more compassion for the people around me. Honestly, I need to have more compassion for myself, and more patience. I need to stop getting stuck in the trap of self-pity.
In summary, all I want is to feel loved and to love the people around me. What impedes me are the demons, the lies that resound inside my head and the temptations that easily beset me. I often get stuck so deeply in the trap of self-pity that I don't reach out for help, or I reject the attempts of people to try to reach out to me. In short, I'm convinced that I've gone totally crazy in the head. I honestly wonder if I should be locked up in a padded chamber so my craziness won't hurt me or anyone else.
If you're reading this, and you are struggling in some way, please take care of yourself. Talk to the people that you love and trust. Also, even if you are struggling or aren't, take time to reach out and show your love to the people around you. It may look any number of ways. Maybe it means writing a letter, or an e-mail, or sending a text. Maybe it looks like putting your arm around someone. Maybe it means being a shoulder to try on or a listening ear. Maybe it means giving a person some space to breath. Maybe it means trying to move in a bit closer and being a bit more honest with that person. In any case, perhaps the person best to start with would be yourself.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
A Matter Of Perspective 7Dec2011
I am feeling a whole lot better today. I had a wonderful talk with my therapist that helped to widen and open up my perspective.
First, he had me do a relaxation technique. The shoulder/neck pain and headaches were due to my body responding to all the stress I've been feeling lately. Work, trying to figure out how to handle my attractions toward men, and stressing about giving/receiving appropriate healthy touch with other men has really been taking a toll on my body. After I was able to relax some, I was able to talk about all those things that were stressing me.
My therapist then asked me what my options were for dealing with my attractions or life in general. I came up with a list of the following (by no means inclusive of all the options I have):
- Live the lifestyle, having multiple sexual partners
- Live the lifestyle, have one sexual partners
- Live the lifestyle, remain celibate, only date men
- Don't live the lifestyle, have romantic relationships with men
- Don't interact with men at all
- Connect superficially with men
- Connect emotionally with other men
- Be vulnerable with men that I trust
- Pursue a close, vulnerable relationship with God (this option teared me up when I said it)
- Completely ignore God and His will
I'm sure there are many more options that I could pursue in relationship with life and my attractions. The experience of listing options, as many as I could think of, helped to open my eyes. I realized that romantic and sexual interactions with men was only a small subset of a larger sphere of possible interactions. I could do so many other things with men. As we talked, I couldn't help but here the lie inside 'Oh, but I'm shy. People don't invite me to do things with them.' I know that is a lie. I have friends that do invite me to do things. I've been a bit of a hermit lately due to the headaches and pain.
My therapist then told me that I seemed to be very focused on men and my attraction to them. He said he hadn't heard me talk about any girls, specifically a girl that I had been kind of interested in a few months ago. I can probably count on one hand the number of women that I interact with (by women I mean females older than 9). Only about three of them are women that I feel comfortable enough to share at least part of what's going on with me, two of those are my sisters and another is my friend's girlfriend. I realized that I had a large void in my life. I was totally ignoring the possibility of interacting with women, probably because I simply don't have many opportunities, outside of church and rarely at work, to interact with women. I've decided that I need to start participating in the local single ward activities. I go to a family ward currently, and really like the progress I'm making with the bishop. Hopefully if I start going to some single ward activities, I may find more people around where I live that I can interact with. Maybe I can even find that mythical, other gender attracted, cuddle buddy I've been looking for. There's the obsession with men again.
I stated something profound last night. I know I've heard it before. I said to my therapist that my attraction has very little to do with sex and sexual relationships with men. It's more about emotional connection. It's more about loving and feeling loved. For me, maybe that generally looks like some kind of touch or physical affection, but it doesn't have to be like that. Touch is only one small way people convey the fact that they like someone else. It still is my preferred method. I'm going to have to keep my eyes open a little wider to see if people are sending me that message, and I'm missing it. I'm still going to keep my touchy feely nature toward other people and yet try to explore other ways of expressing how I feel toward a person.
Anyways, my therapist did say I was focusing on one very small part of my life: my desire for touch-based interaction with men. I realized that I was focusing on it. Sure, it is a squeaky wheel. It's a big pain point for me. But there is so much more to life than just that. There's my relationship with friends I do have. There's my co-workers. There's my relationship with myself. There's my relationship with Heavenly Father. There's my hobbies: Magic, video games, and reading.
As my therapist gave me a hug goodbye, he started to talked to me. It's one of my favorite moments because I really like his hugs, and he often says very insightful things as we're hugging. He said he wanted me to expand my expectations on what I can do. He wants me to expand my expectations for me. I realized that I had been doing something like that. When temptation to masturbate arises, a lie often comes with it. "You'll eventually give in" says the lie. To that I say "I can resist. I can with God's help." And many times, He has come to my aid.
As I ate dinner, I had a pleasant conversation with a friend and we got into the matter of perspective. I realized that I can't see the "big picture". Even with the spirit's aid, I often only see parts of glimpses of the whole plan. I'm given just what I need to succeed and thrive with my challenges.
I went home and had an enjoyable evening rebuilding some of my Magic decks. I dismantled one deck, and realized I still had ten regular decks and two Commander decks. I only managed to rebuild half of my regular decks. I awoke this morning feel tired, but not completely worn out like I have felt the last few days. The pain in my neck and shoulders seems to have faded. Sure, the whole physical touch situation hasn't changed a whole lot. It's just not the only thing I'm going to focus on, I hope.
To finish, I'd love to share some sayings/quotes that I like:
"Perception is reality."
"Perception is everything, to the perceiver."
Monday, November 7, 2011
My Strange Dreams 6Nov-7Nov2011
I had a dream that I was in some kind of fast food place. They were serving strips of fried chicken. I had some and liked it. A friend of mine came up and talked about how some other food item was really good, but I thought it would be gross. Suddenly the chicken strips in the warming area turned into that item and I wouldn't order it or eat it. Then a number of people I knew showed up and one of them told me to listen to this guy explain something, because apparently we could understand each other. I didn't understand the guy at all as he started to ramble on about some kind of computer project. I yawned and leaned against the wall.
Then I had to defend some kind of messenger as he ran through a city. I climbed up on one of the buildings and was shooting down that the guys that were shooting him. Apparently, I could jump of buildings and glide, but it wasn't working. Every time I would jump off a building, it would hurt my ankles because my feet would get caught on the building. The bad guys would flash red when I pushed a button. I zoomed in to start shooting one of the bad guys and suddenly my dad was watching me. I felt embarrased that I was doing what I was doing.
Then I was at a friends house who was cooking breakfast. He had a small toaster oven. He had some kind of cake thing. One half was spiraled and the other half was layered. Apparently the layered half was pancakes. The friend wanted me to move closer and I thought that I could move in, but I would have to check the internet out first. Then I realized that I couldn't move out of my current place while I was looking down the stairs toward their basement.
Friends showing up in my dreams is a fun occurance, especially when they act like I remember them acting. The second dream is rife with gameplay elements from Infamous. I've been playing that game pretty often lately. I find it odd that other games I play haven't showed up nearly as frequently as Infamous.
Then I had to defend some kind of messenger as he ran through a city. I climbed up on one of the buildings and was shooting down that the guys that were shooting him. Apparently, I could jump of buildings and glide, but it wasn't working. Every time I would jump off a building, it would hurt my ankles because my feet would get caught on the building. The bad guys would flash red when I pushed a button. I zoomed in to start shooting one of the bad guys and suddenly my dad was watching me. I felt embarrased that I was doing what I was doing.
Then I was at a friends house who was cooking breakfast. He had a small toaster oven. He had some kind of cake thing. One half was spiraled and the other half was layered. Apparently the layered half was pancakes. The friend wanted me to move closer and I thought that I could move in, but I would have to check the internet out first. Then I realized that I couldn't move out of my current place while I was looking down the stairs toward their basement.
Friends showing up in my dreams is a fun occurance, especially when they act like I remember them acting. The second dream is rife with gameplay elements from Infamous. I've been playing that game pretty often lately. I find it odd that other games I play haven't showed up nearly as frequently as Infamous.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Self disgust
This is definitely not a post to read on an empty heart or an empty soul.
I find that I think and feel things that make me feel disgusted with myself. I look at my thoughts and actions and I often feel a sense of condemnation or demonization. I judge myself pretty harshly at times. I find that it often starts with me condemning a thought or action, and then morphing into me condemning or looking down on myself. Then, I feel disgusted at myself and any hope for changing goes out the window.
There are a lot of things I can think of that cause this reaction in me. Some of them could possible be innocent. Some of them could deserve some changes. Others possibly are sinful. I'm honestly so close to them, and so accustomed to condemning then, that I throw them all into the sinful bucket just to make things simpler. Then I begin feeling ashamed of them. I tell myself that if the people around me "really knew" what I was thinking or feeling, then they wouldn't want to be around me. They would hate me, despise me, fear me, and ultimately, they would be disgusted with me like I am disgusted with myself.
I will share a few of them here.
I feel disgusted that I will sometimes choose whether or not to do something with a friend based on the fact of how entertaining it is. I feel disgusted that I find sitting and talking boring. I feel disgusted that I always have to be 'entertained'. I feel disgusted that I choose video games/reading over interacting with people around me or getting enough sleep. I feel disgusted that the drive to play a video game is stronger than the drive to listen to people or invest in friendships. I feel disgusted that I would rather play a video game rather than go to family events.
I feel disgusted with myself when I realize that the one reason that's driving me to be someone's friend is the fact that I feel attracted to them. I don't always act on the drive, yet it is usually there. If there is an attractive man, I want to be close to that person. I get jealous if someone else seems to have a good relationship with them be it joking, talking, or just seeming to enjoy each others presence. I feel disgusted that I'm so jealous at that. I feel disgusted if I see a picture of an attractive man, and I immediately want to know the person or be their "best friend".
I feel disgusted with myself with how often and how much I want touch. I feel disgusted that it's not only that I want touch, but that I want touch from men I feel attracted to. I feel disgusted that if a man who doesn't fall into the "I'm attracted to you" category offers touch in some way, it feels funny, or I feel myself cringe inside while receiving it or it doesn't quite 'hit the spot' so to speak. I feel disgusted that I see attractive men at work, out in public, wherever, and I find myself wondering what it would be like snuggled up to the man which his arm around me, or how it would feel if I were to give him a hug, or how it would feel if rubbed my shoulders, or whatever else it is. I feel disgusted that I fantasize about being touched by attractive men. I feel disgusted that those fantasies can go sexual so quickly. I often think that if the man knew I wanted whatever kind of touch it is I happen to be thinking of at the moment, that the man would withdraw from me or be afraid from me. The fear of being rejected over it only serves to heighten my shame at the time.
I feel disgusted with myself that I like looking at pornography or pornographic material. I feel disgusted when I find myself endlessly looking through pictures of an attractive man trying to find a picture where he's shirtless. I feel disgusted when I find myself imaging what a man would look like with his shirt off. I feel disgusted that I quickly scan a new man's body to find out if I'm attracted to them or not. I feel disgusted that I like the way a man's body looks.
I feel disgusted that I masturbate. I feel disgusted with the thoughts that lead me up to it. I even feel disgusted with the feelings of tiredness or loneliness that prompt the temptation to masturbate. I feel disgusted with myself during and afterward for how I feel or what I'm thinking about. I feel deeply ashamed about the fact that I do it.
I feel disgusted that I don't like everyone, or even worse, that there are people that I don't like. There are some people that I wish wouldn't interact with me, or that they would interact with me very rarely. I feel disgusted that I feel that way. I feel disgusted that I don't have the courage to step up and tell them to back off. When I do step up and express my wants, in whatever way I can, I feel disgusted that I did so.
I feel disgusted that I feel lonely and unloved, even though I am surrounded by people who love me. I have a family that loves me. I know it. I can see it in their actions and their words. My father has expressed many times how he and my mother love me. Yet, I feel disgusted that I feel empty inside when he says that. I feel disgusted that I'm so numb to the love that I craved so much growing up. I feel disgusted that I am so detached from the people around me.
I feel disgusted that I struggle so often with the simple spiritual things. I feel disgusted that I often forget to pray or study my scriptures. I feel disgusted that I forget about fasting. I feel disgusted that I resent going to church. I feel disgusted that when I go to church, all I can think about is my loneliness and my despair. I feel disgusted that I am too afraid to try to befriend the men in the ward. I feel disgusted that I'm not a regular home teacher and that I hardly know the names of the people I home teach currently. I feel disgusted at how easily I forget that I know and have felt that God loves me. I feel disgusted on how easily I abandon faith or hope when times get rough. I feel disgusted that I always think I have to do things 'on my own' without God's help or with help from anyone else.
Ultimately, I feel disgusted for who I am, how I feel, what I think about, what I do, and what I say.
I feel disgusted that I've worked on overcoming some of these things, but that they still come back. That I'm still detached. That I still don't know how to set clear boundaries. That I still feel so angry or lonely.
I hope by continuing to write this blog, I can learn more about myself. I hope that I can share my struggles. Hopefully it will help all of you that may feel similar things to me. I hope that by sharing this I can overcome the shame I feel. I hope that I can possibly learn to allow the people I love in closer into my life where I can feel their love and I can truly love them in return. Yet, as long as I continue to feel disgusted with myself, I will continue to struggle with the loneliness and anger that comes with it.
I find that I think and feel things that make me feel disgusted with myself. I look at my thoughts and actions and I often feel a sense of condemnation or demonization. I judge myself pretty harshly at times. I find that it often starts with me condemning a thought or action, and then morphing into me condemning or looking down on myself. Then, I feel disgusted at myself and any hope for changing goes out the window.
There are a lot of things I can think of that cause this reaction in me. Some of them could possible be innocent. Some of them could deserve some changes. Others possibly are sinful. I'm honestly so close to them, and so accustomed to condemning then, that I throw them all into the sinful bucket just to make things simpler. Then I begin feeling ashamed of them. I tell myself that if the people around me "really knew" what I was thinking or feeling, then they wouldn't want to be around me. They would hate me, despise me, fear me, and ultimately, they would be disgusted with me like I am disgusted with myself.
I will share a few of them here.
I feel disgusted that I will sometimes choose whether or not to do something with a friend based on the fact of how entertaining it is. I feel disgusted that I find sitting and talking boring. I feel disgusted that I always have to be 'entertained'. I feel disgusted that I choose video games/reading over interacting with people around me or getting enough sleep. I feel disgusted that the drive to play a video game is stronger than the drive to listen to people or invest in friendships. I feel disgusted that I would rather play a video game rather than go to family events.
I feel disgusted with myself when I realize that the one reason that's driving me to be someone's friend is the fact that I feel attracted to them. I don't always act on the drive, yet it is usually there. If there is an attractive man, I want to be close to that person. I get jealous if someone else seems to have a good relationship with them be it joking, talking, or just seeming to enjoy each others presence. I feel disgusted that I'm so jealous at that. I feel disgusted if I see a picture of an attractive man, and I immediately want to know the person or be their "best friend".
I feel disgusted with myself with how often and how much I want touch. I feel disgusted that it's not only that I want touch, but that I want touch from men I feel attracted to. I feel disgusted that if a man who doesn't fall into the "I'm attracted to you" category offers touch in some way, it feels funny, or I feel myself cringe inside while receiving it or it doesn't quite 'hit the spot' so to speak. I feel disgusted that I see attractive men at work, out in public, wherever, and I find myself wondering what it would be like snuggled up to the man which his arm around me, or how it would feel if I were to give him a hug, or how it would feel if rubbed my shoulders, or whatever else it is. I feel disgusted that I fantasize about being touched by attractive men. I feel disgusted that those fantasies can go sexual so quickly. I often think that if the man knew I wanted whatever kind of touch it is I happen to be thinking of at the moment, that the man would withdraw from me or be afraid from me. The fear of being rejected over it only serves to heighten my shame at the time.
I feel disgusted with myself that I like looking at pornography or pornographic material. I feel disgusted when I find myself endlessly looking through pictures of an attractive man trying to find a picture where he's shirtless. I feel disgusted when I find myself imaging what a man would look like with his shirt off. I feel disgusted that I quickly scan a new man's body to find out if I'm attracted to them or not. I feel disgusted that I like the way a man's body looks.
I feel disgusted that I masturbate. I feel disgusted with the thoughts that lead me up to it. I even feel disgusted with the feelings of tiredness or loneliness that prompt the temptation to masturbate. I feel disgusted with myself during and afterward for how I feel or what I'm thinking about. I feel deeply ashamed about the fact that I do it.
I feel disgusted that I don't like everyone, or even worse, that there are people that I don't like. There are some people that I wish wouldn't interact with me, or that they would interact with me very rarely. I feel disgusted that I feel that way. I feel disgusted that I don't have the courage to step up and tell them to back off. When I do step up and express my wants, in whatever way I can, I feel disgusted that I did so.
I feel disgusted that I feel lonely and unloved, even though I am surrounded by people who love me. I have a family that loves me. I know it. I can see it in their actions and their words. My father has expressed many times how he and my mother love me. Yet, I feel disgusted that I feel empty inside when he says that. I feel disgusted that I'm so numb to the love that I craved so much growing up. I feel disgusted that I am so detached from the people around me.
I feel disgusted that I struggle so often with the simple spiritual things. I feel disgusted that I often forget to pray or study my scriptures. I feel disgusted that I forget about fasting. I feel disgusted that I resent going to church. I feel disgusted that when I go to church, all I can think about is my loneliness and my despair. I feel disgusted that I am too afraid to try to befriend the men in the ward. I feel disgusted that I'm not a regular home teacher and that I hardly know the names of the people I home teach currently. I feel disgusted at how easily I forget that I know and have felt that God loves me. I feel disgusted on how easily I abandon faith or hope when times get rough. I feel disgusted that I always think I have to do things 'on my own' without God's help or with help from anyone else.
Ultimately, I feel disgusted for who I am, how I feel, what I think about, what I do, and what I say.
I feel disgusted that I've worked on overcoming some of these things, but that they still come back. That I'm still detached. That I still don't know how to set clear boundaries. That I still feel so angry or lonely.
I hope by continuing to write this blog, I can learn more about myself. I hope that I can share my struggles. Hopefully it will help all of you that may feel similar things to me. I hope that by sharing this I can overcome the shame I feel. I hope that I can possibly learn to allow the people I love in closer into my life where I can feel their love and I can truly love them in return. Yet, as long as I continue to feel disgusted with myself, I will continue to struggle with the loneliness and anger that comes with it.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Sanity Loss 4Nov2011
I was introduced this year to a board game called Arkham Horror. It's a board game based off the H.P. Lovecraft universe. Characters in the game have both health and sanity. Health loss makes sense. People get hurt when they go on adventures. What about the sanity loss?
In the H.P. Lovecraft world, there are monsters that are so horrific or so alien, that looking at them assaults the very person's sanity, slowly driving them insane. Also, horrific events occur that challenge the character's sanity.
The sanity loss mechanic is definitely an interesting one. It's also used in video games like Amnesia, Penunmbra, and Call of Cthulu. When the characters in those games are exposed to various horrific things, then they will lose sanity. There are various effects of the sanity loss including blurred vision, seeing things that aren't there, hearing things that aren't there, etc. Basically, they go crazy.
Personally, I think the whole thing is fun, entertaining, and at times, horrific. I think it adds a nice touch to games. The ability for a game creator to invoke fear in a person is an art. I'm not talking about being startled. I'm talking about fear like paranoia and panic. The kind of fear that leaves me feeling unsettled, even after it's intensity has gone down.
It reminds me of the last time I played Resident Evil 5 with a friend. On a related note, I never play Resident Evil 5 by myself because the game is creepy. As we moved through an underground facility, we kept getting glimpses of an odd creature. It usually was just moving out of view, climbing on the walls and ceilings. We found documents describing something called a 'Licker'. A creature with an abnormally long tongue that was blind. It stalked its prey relying on its other overdeveloped senses.
We continued on through the facility. I was already feeling the affects of adrenaline, because I remembered fighting these creatures on a previous play-through of the game. After passing through a section with cages full of live animals, I saw a section with some glass. There were two Lickers inside. They immediately broke the glass, and one of them started slowly advancing on me. Nervous, but sure I could sneak around the creature. I slowly backed away, thinking I could loop around and completely avoid fighting the creature.
I forgot something as I finished the loop. The other creature. Out of nowhere, the creature leaped at me. I screamed, and directed my character to run to the exit. Unfortunately, the exit was a door that required a few seconds to crank open. Me and my friend were trapped.
The fight was a blur. I vaguely remember firing off the most powerful weapons I had, running around, yelling and laughing hysterically. When it was over, I was at the door, opening it as fast as I could, laughing my head off like a mad man.
The question is, had I lost sanity? Sanity is the ability to think and act rationally. Because my fear had overpowered me, I had, in a sense, gone temporarily insane. Once the fear started to dissipate, I still felt unsettled and jumpy. In fact, when I left my friends house, I looked up and checked to make sure there were no monsters about to jump me from above.
While playing a Dungeons and Dragons game, one of my characters fell into a cage of sorts. While he was trying to get back up, he heard the approach of something. It sounded like footsteps, and jangling keys. I was feeling scared. The creature did show up, and look at me. The way the DM did it, only served to heighten my fear.
One night I was coming home and walking up the stairs to my condo when I heard a strange noise. It sounded like chains jingling. The sound reminded some part of me of the sound of those keys jangling. I felt a sense of panic as I hastily searched for my key, unlocked the door, and darted inside. I half expected something to start pounding on the door after I locked it behind me.
Today at work, I had another experience where it felt like I loss some of my sanity. A man came over to visit with one of my co-workers, who wasn't at her desk. One of the guys next to me started to talk to man, who is apparently studying to become a paramedic. The things the guy was talking about left me feeling unsettled and scared.
When I got up to use the restroom, I noticed that things seemed...odd. The light seemed to bright. Things seemed to intense. I felt a vague sense of paranoia. My mind kept projecting half-ghostly images onto blank surfaces. The man next to me at the urinal scared me, although he did nothing. When I realized what was going on, I said that I had suffered some 'sanity loss'.
On a related note, last night I had to drive home really late. When I get really tired, and drive, my eyes will start playing tricks on me. Sometimes, they blur and refuse to focus for a few moments. Other times, it looks like something is there, in the corner of my eye. When I go to look at it, it's gone. Honestly, it probably is exhaustion. Needless to say, the experience is unsettling.
I've had many experiences in my life that have left me feeling horrified. There's been experiences where I've been paralyzed by fear before, and I lose the ability to think rationally. Sometimes I wonder if I've lost something permanently in those experiences. Sometimes I wonder if I've gone a little more crazy in the head each time one of those happens.
Perhaps a visit with the therapist is in order, at least, if the voices start talking to me.
In the H.P. Lovecraft world, there are monsters that are so horrific or so alien, that looking at them assaults the very person's sanity, slowly driving them insane. Also, horrific events occur that challenge the character's sanity.
The sanity loss mechanic is definitely an interesting one. It's also used in video games like Amnesia, Penunmbra, and Call of Cthulu. When the characters in those games are exposed to various horrific things, then they will lose sanity. There are various effects of the sanity loss including blurred vision, seeing things that aren't there, hearing things that aren't there, etc. Basically, they go crazy.
Personally, I think the whole thing is fun, entertaining, and at times, horrific. I think it adds a nice touch to games. The ability for a game creator to invoke fear in a person is an art. I'm not talking about being startled. I'm talking about fear like paranoia and panic. The kind of fear that leaves me feeling unsettled, even after it's intensity has gone down.
It reminds me of the last time I played Resident Evil 5 with a friend. On a related note, I never play Resident Evil 5 by myself because the game is creepy. As we moved through an underground facility, we kept getting glimpses of an odd creature. It usually was just moving out of view, climbing on the walls and ceilings. We found documents describing something called a 'Licker'. A creature with an abnormally long tongue that was blind. It stalked its prey relying on its other overdeveloped senses.
We continued on through the facility. I was already feeling the affects of adrenaline, because I remembered fighting these creatures on a previous play-through of the game. After passing through a section with cages full of live animals, I saw a section with some glass. There were two Lickers inside. They immediately broke the glass, and one of them started slowly advancing on me. Nervous, but sure I could sneak around the creature. I slowly backed away, thinking I could loop around and completely avoid fighting the creature.
I forgot something as I finished the loop. The other creature. Out of nowhere, the creature leaped at me. I screamed, and directed my character to run to the exit. Unfortunately, the exit was a door that required a few seconds to crank open. Me and my friend were trapped.
The fight was a blur. I vaguely remember firing off the most powerful weapons I had, running around, yelling and laughing hysterically. When it was over, I was at the door, opening it as fast as I could, laughing my head off like a mad man.
The question is, had I lost sanity? Sanity is the ability to think and act rationally. Because my fear had overpowered me, I had, in a sense, gone temporarily insane. Once the fear started to dissipate, I still felt unsettled and jumpy. In fact, when I left my friends house, I looked up and checked to make sure there were no monsters about to jump me from above.
While playing a Dungeons and Dragons game, one of my characters fell into a cage of sorts. While he was trying to get back up, he heard the approach of something. It sounded like footsteps, and jangling keys. I was feeling scared. The creature did show up, and look at me. The way the DM did it, only served to heighten my fear.
One night I was coming home and walking up the stairs to my condo when I heard a strange noise. It sounded like chains jingling. The sound reminded some part of me of the sound of those keys jangling. I felt a sense of panic as I hastily searched for my key, unlocked the door, and darted inside. I half expected something to start pounding on the door after I locked it behind me.
Today at work, I had another experience where it felt like I loss some of my sanity. A man came over to visit with one of my co-workers, who wasn't at her desk. One of the guys next to me started to talk to man, who is apparently studying to become a paramedic. The things the guy was talking about left me feeling unsettled and scared.
When I got up to use the restroom, I noticed that things seemed...odd. The light seemed to bright. Things seemed to intense. I felt a vague sense of paranoia. My mind kept projecting half-ghostly images onto blank surfaces. The man next to me at the urinal scared me, although he did nothing. When I realized what was going on, I said that I had suffered some 'sanity loss'.
On a related note, last night I had to drive home really late. When I get really tired, and drive, my eyes will start playing tricks on me. Sometimes, they blur and refuse to focus for a few moments. Other times, it looks like something is there, in the corner of my eye. When I go to look at it, it's gone. Honestly, it probably is exhaustion. Needless to say, the experience is unsettling.
I've had many experiences in my life that have left me feeling horrified. There's been experiences where I've been paralyzed by fear before, and I lose the ability to think rationally. Sometimes I wonder if I've lost something permanently in those experiences. Sometimes I wonder if I've gone a little more crazy in the head each time one of those happens.
Perhaps a visit with the therapist is in order, at least, if the voices start talking to me.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Video Game Music that I Like - Riders of the Light from Bayonetta
Today's music comes from a video game that I've really enjoyed called Bayonetta. The game really deserves it's own blog post, because I think it's that awesome.
Bayonetta is an action game created by Platinum Games. The main character is Bayonetta. Twenty years ago she awoke in a coffin in the bottom of a lake. All she knows is that she has the power to summon demons and must slay angels in order to keep her demonic masters silent. She also owns a gemstone that is one of the "Eyes of the World". Her journey begins as she seeks out the other gem in the set. Disclaimer: Bayonetta is rated M for Gore, Strong Language, Partial Nudity, and Sensuous Material.
Riders of the Light is a song that plays during one of the early cutscenes of the game, and is also player during many of the battles throughout the game. Although it's technically 'fight music', the song sounds more like dancing music to me. Upbeat, fast paced, and full of beautiful piano parts. I'm quite fond of good piano music. In my opinion, good video game music will evoke emotion and mentally prepare me for whatever it is I'm to do in the game. Great video game music also is entertaining. This song has lifted my spirits, and made traffic much more enjoyable. Although I've found while listening to this in the car, I'm a lot more prone to speeding.
Enjoy! And as Bayonetta would say "I've got a fever, and the only cure is more dead angels!"
Bayonetta is an action game created by Platinum Games. The main character is Bayonetta. Twenty years ago she awoke in a coffin in the bottom of a lake. All she knows is that she has the power to summon demons and must slay angels in order to keep her demonic masters silent. She also owns a gemstone that is one of the "Eyes of the World". Her journey begins as she seeks out the other gem in the set. Disclaimer: Bayonetta is rated M for Gore, Strong Language, Partial Nudity, and Sensuous Material.
Riders of the Light is a song that plays during one of the early cutscenes of the game, and is also player during many of the battles throughout the game. Although it's technically 'fight music', the song sounds more like dancing music to me. Upbeat, fast paced, and full of beautiful piano parts. I'm quite fond of good piano music. In my opinion, good video game music will evoke emotion and mentally prepare me for whatever it is I'm to do in the game. Great video game music also is entertaining. This song has lifted my spirits, and made traffic much more enjoyable. Although I've found while listening to this in the car, I'm a lot more prone to speeding.
Enjoy! And as Bayonetta would say "I've got a fever, and the only cure is more dead angels!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)