Many times when I'm talking to people they ask me a common question "Are you out?" The answer, I've found is 'kind of'. My family knows about me, a small handful of friends know about me, anyone who reads this blog knows about me, but I still don't feel like I'm 'out'. What drives that? Honestly, I'm still terrified of what people would think about me at work or at church (sometimes they feel like one and the same).
I'm still scared to tell people about me. I'm really worried about what could happen at work or church. Would people treat me differently? Would I get persecuted? Would I get rejected? Would there be even less interaction between people? Even just the attractions is the tip of the iceberg to what goes on. All sorts of thoughts from innocent to sinful swirl through my head. What if they knew?
Many times it makes think of some lyrics from Frozen's "Let It Go". "Don't let them in. Don't let them see." Many times I keep myself withdrawn from other people. I'm afraid what would happen if I let them in close. From the church community, I fear their judgement of some of the thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs I'm trying to grapple with and understand. From the gay community, it's a different set of fears. I'm afraid of their judgement of me choosing not to act on the sexual feelings I have toward men. Many times I've referred to myself as a 'non practicing gay'.
To speak further on that frustration, physical touch deprivation is something that frequently bothers me. It's a big challenge. I could go to church and ask for it from other members of the church. I fear they either wouldn't understand, or they wouldn't be willing. Granted, the latter isn't nearly as bad as the former. If I go to the gay community, it's a different set of challenges.
Me: "I like to cuddle."
Guy: "Cuddling leads to sex."
Me: "I don't want sex."
Guy: "Not interested."
Me: :(
Funny how the 'Cuddling = Sex' formula can show up anywhere. It even shows up in my mind, no matter how much I hate it. Personally I like how Cuddle Parties (http://www.cuddleparty.com/) approach the problem. They set out clear boundaries to keep everyone safe. The events are strictly non-sexual. Somehow I wish I could find a sense of safety with other men in my life.
I keep wondering, hoping, wishing that one day I'll find some people that may understand that (and are available for it). Sometimes all I want is a hug. Sometimes it's just some strong arms to shelter me from the storms or a shoulder to rest my head on.
It's more than just the touch. Touch without any kind of emotional connection is empty. Often times, it's led me to situations and encounters that I've regretted later. The emotional connection with another person is very difficult for me. I know that I isolate. I know I have trouble reaching out and connecting. (Personally I wonder how my medication can influence this). Maybe if I was able to develop a stable, emotional connection with another man, maybe the touch issues wouldn't be nearly so pressing. (My therapist and I have talked about how I jump to physical contact to try to form a connection).
Now that I've written this, I'm scared to hit the publish button. So many people know about me. I've found that few people really talk to me about the issue. It would be nice to have an open and honest discussion, but am I ready to confess how I feel towards other people? Am I ready to openly share some of the wants that I've had? The prospects are terrifying, but if you're reading this, then I've probably hit that Publish button anyways.
Showing posts with label Friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Friendship. Show all posts
Monday, July 14, 2014
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Have I Given Up?
While playing a game the other day, another player dealt me a pretty nasty blow, that left me in a rather crippled position. Rather than stick it out to see if I could still somehow manage to scrape through the game, I opted to leave at that moment, mostly because I wasn't enjoying the game all that much (being behind in a game can make me irritable at times). At the time, I thought of how manly I was at speaking my mind and cutting my losses. Afterward, I felt very guilty for leaving the game the way I did (in a huff). Somehow, it made me feel like how I approach life: if things get difficult, there's a good chance I'm going to simply give up on the thing, even if it's something good for me. Friend gets married, I give up. Too hard to continue interacting with them. Friend moves away. Give up. Too hard.
I'm saying this, because I feel like I've 'given up' in a sense on my healing journey. I'm exhausted. I'm worn out. I regularly engage in numbing and isolating behavior I build emotional walls between me and the people I spend time with. Two years ago and two months, I went to Journey Into Manhood. I was regularly talking with people. I had a good friendship with another man forming. I was participating in a community, reaching out to other men. Giving, growing, and learning. I was connecting and getting my male to male needs met. I was even starting to feel sparks of attraction toward a girl I've known since elementary school.
Fast forward a year. I was barely even talking to this friend. I had deeply distanced myself from him. I was slipping into depression. I had given up on our friendship because it had become very difficult and painful for me (I was overdependent on him). Fast forward another year. I came close to acting out with a good friend of mine. I acted out with four other times with men. I nearly gave up going to church multiple times. My depression worsened and I started taking medication. I grew very isolated. I've become bitter. My same gender attraction has become very strong. I feel a sense of shame as I compulsively check out people to see if they are attractive. I struggle daily with inappropriate thoughts that are highly distracting. In short, I almost feel like I've given up.
On a surface level, I try to look confident, as un-needy as possible. I try to appear aloof. I often get snappy. I'm nearly always tired. Inside, I just want to cry, or act out, or have the nearest object of my lust hold me and help me feel loved. Guilt and shame seem to be with me nearly every waking moment. I struggle with feeling connected.
I feel like I'm stuck between two choices: continue to resist (and struggle with acting out), or simply give in. Honestly, the latter is highly undesirable. I know there is at least one more choice: open up. Start to connect again and let the wounds heal. Forgive, and let the poison seep out. It...it feels very difficult to open up. Two years ago, it was very natural, if scary for me. Now, it is so terrifying I clam up at the thought of doing it.
On the bright side, I've also felt a stirring in my breast. I've felt the Spirit working on me. I've had moments where my selfishness abates and I feel genuine pain, empathy, and caring toward other people.
It means I haven't quite given up yet, despite how hard the journey is. Still, I'm afraid of opening up and being vulnerable. Almost mortally afraid. I know it can hurt again.
I'm saying this, because I feel like I've 'given up' in a sense on my healing journey. I'm exhausted. I'm worn out. I regularly engage in numbing and isolating behavior I build emotional walls between me and the people I spend time with. Two years ago and two months, I went to Journey Into Manhood. I was regularly talking with people. I had a good friendship with another man forming. I was participating in a community, reaching out to other men. Giving, growing, and learning. I was connecting and getting my male to male needs met. I was even starting to feel sparks of attraction toward a girl I've known since elementary school.
Fast forward a year. I was barely even talking to this friend. I had deeply distanced myself from him. I was slipping into depression. I had given up on our friendship because it had become very difficult and painful for me (I was overdependent on him). Fast forward another year. I came close to acting out with a good friend of mine. I acted out with four other times with men. I nearly gave up going to church multiple times. My depression worsened and I started taking medication. I grew very isolated. I've become bitter. My same gender attraction has become very strong. I feel a sense of shame as I compulsively check out people to see if they are attractive. I struggle daily with inappropriate thoughts that are highly distracting. In short, I almost feel like I've given up.
On a surface level, I try to look confident, as un-needy as possible. I try to appear aloof. I often get snappy. I'm nearly always tired. Inside, I just want to cry, or act out, or have the nearest object of my lust hold me and help me feel loved. Guilt and shame seem to be with me nearly every waking moment. I struggle with feeling connected.
I feel like I'm stuck between two choices: continue to resist (and struggle with acting out), or simply give in. Honestly, the latter is highly undesirable. I know there is at least one more choice: open up. Start to connect again and let the wounds heal. Forgive, and let the poison seep out. It...it feels very difficult to open up. Two years ago, it was very natural, if scary for me. Now, it is so terrifying I clam up at the thought of doing it.
On the bright side, I've also felt a stirring in my breast. I've felt the Spirit working on me. I've had moments where my selfishness abates and I feel genuine pain, empathy, and caring toward other people.
It means I haven't quite given up yet, despite how hard the journey is. Still, I'm afraid of opening up and being vulnerable. Almost mortally afraid. I know it can hurt again.
Friday, April 6, 2012
A Glimpse Into The Madness 6Apr2012
Recently, I started using a website called 'Moodscope' that helps to track a persons mood each day. Today, I got the lowest score since I've started using it (15%). Ironically, the site suggested that 'It could be useful to talk it all through with someone close'. Oddly, I don't feel like there's anyone close. I've pushed everyone away. My defensive detachment seems to be set into a sense of overdrive. I've been feeling a lot of confusion, despair, sadness, grief, fear bordering on paranoia. I've been struggling with thoughts of acting out, browsing through peoples pictures, even feeling urges to walk by places to see if I can find any shirtless guys to stare out. In short, I think that I'm a sort of death spiral.
In the core of the death spiral is a fear of vulnerability. I know that is the root of the problem. I'm afraid to open up to the people that I once felt close to. I keep thinking that going to an in person support group really isn't changing anything. I keep thinking that online support groups are useless. I keep thinking that spending time with people in person, one on one, is largely a waste of time. All because I'm afraid to open up. I even think that putting out this blog post is a huge waste of time.
In person, I've grown tired of feeling verbally dumped on by other people. I've grown tired of feeling like I have to tell other people to back off. I've grown tired of hiding behind a mask of humor and hilarity when I'd really prefer just curling up in a ball and crying. I've grown tired of lying about how I really feel. I've grown so tired of seeing other people as objects and not people, and feeling the same way about myself.
With support groups, I've definitely become very passive when it comes to reaching out. In a sense, I've grown so tired of trying to make friends there in the past that I really don't care anymore. I spend all the time waiting for someone to come to me rather than seeking out friendship. In the past, I've felt like I haven't been able to establish the sort of friendship I want. Either the other person seems cool, distant, and intellectual, or something happens that doesn't make me feel safe. Sometimes I do open up to the other person, and I think that the other person isn't willing to do the same. It's honestly been driving me mad.
With the online support groups, it either feels like a place for humor or debate. I hardly feel safe sharing things personal any more. When I have put up what was basically a cry for help, I feel life I've been ignored or given unwanted advice. Some people have responded with empathy, but it doesn't ever seem to amount to anything. I'm too afraid to continue to be open.
In relation to the blog, I think that no one ever reads it. Sure, I see stat counters go up, every so often I have someone talk to me in person about it. Every so often, I see a comment on it. It makes me start to wonder, what is it that I'm looking for? Why am I not happy with how things are?
The truth is, I've been hurting pretty badly. I've been feeling the need for connection to the people around me, yet I've sabotaged all my attempts to really connect to people. Yesterday, I was driving home along my usual route. There is a turn in the freeway. I glanced out straight and saw all the open space and wondered how wonderful it would feel to fly away from it all. It was then that I realized how easy it would be to simply turn my car into the barrier and try to end my life.
This is a cry for help. I feel pessimistic about it. Even if it is responded to, will I accept the response or will I continue to deflect those people who do try to be my friend until I am ultimately alone? I'm pretty sure I'm crazy. And this post is definitely proof of it. I've been praying, and I definitely feel like I could use more.
P.S. (added at 1:36 PM):
I am feeling a great deal different now. I will still keep up this post as an authentic and honest post of the negative thinking trap I was in. I have so many people who love me, admire me, and appreciate me. I am loved.
I want you to know that you are loved as well! There is healing and there is hope. Reach out and reach up and there will be hands there waiting anxiously to grasp yours.
I love you all. Thanks.
In the core of the death spiral is a fear of vulnerability. I know that is the root of the problem. I'm afraid to open up to the people that I once felt close to. I keep thinking that going to an in person support group really isn't changing anything. I keep thinking that online support groups are useless. I keep thinking that spending time with people in person, one on one, is largely a waste of time. All because I'm afraid to open up. I even think that putting out this blog post is a huge waste of time.
In person, I've grown tired of feeling verbally dumped on by other people. I've grown tired of feeling like I have to tell other people to back off. I've grown tired of hiding behind a mask of humor and hilarity when I'd really prefer just curling up in a ball and crying. I've grown tired of lying about how I really feel. I've grown so tired of seeing other people as objects and not people, and feeling the same way about myself.
With support groups, I've definitely become very passive when it comes to reaching out. In a sense, I've grown so tired of trying to make friends there in the past that I really don't care anymore. I spend all the time waiting for someone to come to me rather than seeking out friendship. In the past, I've felt like I haven't been able to establish the sort of friendship I want. Either the other person seems cool, distant, and intellectual, or something happens that doesn't make me feel safe. Sometimes I do open up to the other person, and I think that the other person isn't willing to do the same. It's honestly been driving me mad.
With the online support groups, it either feels like a place for humor or debate. I hardly feel safe sharing things personal any more. When I have put up what was basically a cry for help, I feel life I've been ignored or given unwanted advice. Some people have responded with empathy, but it doesn't ever seem to amount to anything. I'm too afraid to continue to be open.
In relation to the blog, I think that no one ever reads it. Sure, I see stat counters go up, every so often I have someone talk to me in person about it. Every so often, I see a comment on it. It makes me start to wonder, what is it that I'm looking for? Why am I not happy with how things are?
The truth is, I've been hurting pretty badly. I've been feeling the need for connection to the people around me, yet I've sabotaged all my attempts to really connect to people. Yesterday, I was driving home along my usual route. There is a turn in the freeway. I glanced out straight and saw all the open space and wondered how wonderful it would feel to fly away from it all. It was then that I realized how easy it would be to simply turn my car into the barrier and try to end my life.
This is a cry for help. I feel pessimistic about it. Even if it is responded to, will I accept the response or will I continue to deflect those people who do try to be my friend until I am ultimately alone? I'm pretty sure I'm crazy. And this post is definitely proof of it. I've been praying, and I definitely feel like I could use more.
P.S. (added at 1:36 PM):
I am feeling a great deal different now. I will still keep up this post as an authentic and honest post of the negative thinking trap I was in. I have so many people who love me, admire me, and appreciate me. I am loved.
I want you to know that you are loved as well! There is healing and there is hope. Reach out and reach up and there will be hands there waiting anxiously to grasp yours.
I love you all. Thanks.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
A New Perspective - 18Mar2012
I've had a really interesting change of perspectives lately. I've been experiencing a lot of feelings of numbness lately. It something that comes and goes and thankfully has been spending more time going than coming the last week. Two things have been on my mind a lot. One of them is friendship and the other is plans that I have for my life.
As for friendship, I've found myself over the last few weeks (arguably months) worrying over the fact that I didn't have any closer friends. I've been thinking back to all the people I've met at college, at previous work places, at places like Journey Into Manhood and Evergreen, and wondering why I hardly ever hear from any of those people.
I have a tendency when I think about this to first start to feel angry toward the other people. I start to blame them for no sort of friendship forming. Then I start to shift all the blame to myself. I start to think that I didn't try hard enough, or that something is wrong with me. I start to think that I was either too uninteresting or that I scared the person off. Lately, I got a huge piece of insight into this. I realize that one reason I was struggling with having any feelings of a close friendship is because I've been too absorbed in my own problems, faults, and struggles. I've been very emotionally needy and draining, in my judgement. I judge that I've been scaring away, pushing away, or simply ignoring potential friends and possibly alienating myself from existing friends. I sometimes wonder if being too needy and demanding on past people has led to friendships either not forming, or causing other friendships to fall apart when I got disappointed with the other people. Ultimately, I've decided that I need to take a different approach. I need to focus more on being my own friend. I need to get to know myself, do things with myself, and learn to enjoy my own company. I have a feeling that will have a positive effect on my friendships with other people.
The other thing that has been bothering me is the fact that I don't have any 'big plans' for my own life. I see other people who are ambitious in their careers, who have plans to buy houses, get married, go on trips to other places. I sometimes wonder if there's something wrong with me to not have plans like that. My plans typically are short term and it's usually invitations to do things with other people or things that just 'need to be done'. I think that somehow over grown up, I've lost to ability to dream, to imagine, to have hopes about the future. I feel like I've spent a lot of time being adrift, going along with the flow of life, and not working toward any kind of future goal. I honestly feel apathetic about plans for the future. I don't seem to care what will happen to me with my career. I just live from one day to the next, without any expectations or hopes for the future.
I had an impression in church today that was very helpful to me. Someone in Elder's Quorum was sharing how one of the General Authorities had taken some time to embrace and comfort him. I was struck by the love that the General Authority had shown for the man. It reminded me of the fact that God gives everyone callings to grow. He's given to some people to lead the entire church and to others to do other things in His church. The fact is that the calling I have is one that will help me grow. It encourages me to interact with the other men in the ward. It calls me to step up and be bold. I got the impression that my purpose and goal in life should be to get back to live with Heavenly Father, and to be like Him. My primary goal in life is not to have a great career, to visit a certain place, or to have so many friends. My primary goal is to live like Jesus Christ, to grow in love toward to my fellow man, and to love myself as Heavenly Father loves me. That is a purpose and goal that I feel passionately about.
So, maybe I don't have big plans for the future, maybe I don't feel like I have friends that I could call 'BFFs'. I definitely do feel I need to have a more serious and loving relationship with myself and with my Heavenly Father. I can see how that would extend to my relationships with everyone around me. I feel happy to have a sense of hope and joy about the future and an increased feeling of peace in the present. I feel more ready to face the world with all of its joys and trials. I feel grateful to have a new perspective on life.
As for friendship, I've found myself over the last few weeks (arguably months) worrying over the fact that I didn't have any closer friends. I've been thinking back to all the people I've met at college, at previous work places, at places like Journey Into Manhood and Evergreen, and wondering why I hardly ever hear from any of those people.
I have a tendency when I think about this to first start to feel angry toward the other people. I start to blame them for no sort of friendship forming. Then I start to shift all the blame to myself. I start to think that I didn't try hard enough, or that something is wrong with me. I start to think that I was either too uninteresting or that I scared the person off. Lately, I got a huge piece of insight into this. I realize that one reason I was struggling with having any feelings of a close friendship is because I've been too absorbed in my own problems, faults, and struggles. I've been very emotionally needy and draining, in my judgement. I judge that I've been scaring away, pushing away, or simply ignoring potential friends and possibly alienating myself from existing friends. I sometimes wonder if being too needy and demanding on past people has led to friendships either not forming, or causing other friendships to fall apart when I got disappointed with the other people. Ultimately, I've decided that I need to take a different approach. I need to focus more on being my own friend. I need to get to know myself, do things with myself, and learn to enjoy my own company. I have a feeling that will have a positive effect on my friendships with other people.
The other thing that has been bothering me is the fact that I don't have any 'big plans' for my own life. I see other people who are ambitious in their careers, who have plans to buy houses, get married, go on trips to other places. I sometimes wonder if there's something wrong with me to not have plans like that. My plans typically are short term and it's usually invitations to do things with other people or things that just 'need to be done'. I think that somehow over grown up, I've lost to ability to dream, to imagine, to have hopes about the future. I feel like I've spent a lot of time being adrift, going along with the flow of life, and not working toward any kind of future goal. I honestly feel apathetic about plans for the future. I don't seem to care what will happen to me with my career. I just live from one day to the next, without any expectations or hopes for the future.
I had an impression in church today that was very helpful to me. Someone in Elder's Quorum was sharing how one of the General Authorities had taken some time to embrace and comfort him. I was struck by the love that the General Authority had shown for the man. It reminded me of the fact that God gives everyone callings to grow. He's given to some people to lead the entire church and to others to do other things in His church. The fact is that the calling I have is one that will help me grow. It encourages me to interact with the other men in the ward. It calls me to step up and be bold. I got the impression that my purpose and goal in life should be to get back to live with Heavenly Father, and to be like Him. My primary goal in life is not to have a great career, to visit a certain place, or to have so many friends. My primary goal is to live like Jesus Christ, to grow in love toward to my fellow man, and to love myself as Heavenly Father loves me. That is a purpose and goal that I feel passionately about.
So, maybe I don't have big plans for the future, maybe I don't feel like I have friends that I could call 'BFFs'. I definitely do feel I need to have a more serious and loving relationship with myself and with my Heavenly Father. I can see how that would extend to my relationships with everyone around me. I feel happy to have a sense of hope and joy about the future and an increased feeling of peace in the present. I feel more ready to face the world with all of its joys and trials. I feel grateful to have a new perspective on life.
Monday, February 27, 2012
A Glimpse Into The Madness 27Feb2012
It's 11:30. Normally, I'd be sound asleep by now. Ironically, I had all the electronics and I was pleasantly reading a book and texting a friend of mine. Oddly, our conversation stirred up some very deep, painful issues of mine. To help me sleep, I'm going to be blogging about it here.
For the past eight months, I feel like I've been slipping slowly into a kind of madness or into a state of numbness where I don't feel anything. I've found myself in a frenzy, moving from one activity to the other, like I was trying to run away from something. Other times, I found me trying to bury myself in video games, or books to read, or endless Facebook updates, trying to ignore or numb away something I'd been feeling. Sometimes I've turned to more potent numbing agents, like masturbation. All of this to try to avoid feeling one thing.
Pain.
Working backward from right now, where I do feel the pain and the sadness. I can see that my actions lately have made me feel like I'm slippy closer and closer toward acting out sexually with another man. I can see that I've been putting myself into increasingly more compromising situations. The cycle is very slow, generally every few months. I feel like I've been getting very close to a breaking point of sorts.
The root cause? Last year I was in a very close friendship. I shared a lot with this other man. I struggled with having romantic feelings on and off. I started to become very overdependent on him for getting my emotional needs met. To make a long, painful story short, the friendship eventually fell apart and I had to distance myself from him.
Since then, I don't think I've ever fully recovered from it. I've withdrawn and isolated my heart to being hurt further. I've taken steps to numb myself from the pain, which only seems to make the pain feel even worse. I've noticed that it's been difficult to feel like I have and friends, even friends that are close. I've felt like there is no one that I can trust. I don't even feel like I can trust myself, or my own motives. I feel like I've been playing more and more with fire, and that eventually I'm going to get burned by it, unless I can find another solution.
Pain has been a reoccurring companion for me in my life. I remember crying myself to sleep at nights when I was younger because I didn't feel like anyone liked me and that I didn't have any friends. The feeling has continued with me as I've grown older. I realize that my perceptions are horrifically tainted and twisted by the beliefs I have about myself: that I am unlovable, and not worth the notice of others. Sadly, I've turned this belief against others. Many times, a friendship has taken root in my heart, only to later be blasted by my anger and by my inability to love the other person. I've often felt like my heart was a lonely, desolate place where no one else was. Many times, it's been like Tumm has rampaged and destroyed everything, only to ultimately curl up in a ball in the center of the blast radius and go completely numb. I honestly feel like the cycle of destruction and attempted rebirth has gone on far too long in my life. It would be nice for a friendship to grow, become strong, and stay alive in my heart. Sometimes I think my heart just isn't fertile enough for it. I've always thought that friendships were hard to form. Now I'm beginning to think I may be the difficult person to be a friend with.
The pain is often frustrating for me. I have tried to pray many times for it to be removed. I've even tried to surrender it. I feel like I need to give up on both. Neither has made the pain stop. I find myself praying increasingly more in order to have the strength to bear the pain I've been given to bear.
At the root of the madness are number of competing and fighting ideas and desires. On one hand, there is a part of me that so desperately wants to be loved. On another, there is a part that wants to be free from pain and suffering and that doesn't want to hurt any more. The part that desires freedom from pain says that in order to have love, I will have to open up and risk being hurt. The same part decides to keep me guarded and isolate from others. The other part cries out so desperately to feel loved that it often comes out in ways I can't control. Sometimes that part of me starts to listen to the lie that the only way I will be loved is if I am loved sexually by another.
I can see but one path that may lead me back to sanity. I have many safe places to embrace vulnerability and let my pain be shown. Perhaps there, I can finally step into my pain more fully, and allow myself to feel truly loved again.
For the past eight months, I feel like I've been slipping slowly into a kind of madness or into a state of numbness where I don't feel anything. I've found myself in a frenzy, moving from one activity to the other, like I was trying to run away from something. Other times, I found me trying to bury myself in video games, or books to read, or endless Facebook updates, trying to ignore or numb away something I'd been feeling. Sometimes I've turned to more potent numbing agents, like masturbation. All of this to try to avoid feeling one thing.
Pain.
Working backward from right now, where I do feel the pain and the sadness. I can see that my actions lately have made me feel like I'm slippy closer and closer toward acting out sexually with another man. I can see that I've been putting myself into increasingly more compromising situations. The cycle is very slow, generally every few months. I feel like I've been getting very close to a breaking point of sorts.
The root cause? Last year I was in a very close friendship. I shared a lot with this other man. I struggled with having romantic feelings on and off. I started to become very overdependent on him for getting my emotional needs met. To make a long, painful story short, the friendship eventually fell apart and I had to distance myself from him.
Since then, I don't think I've ever fully recovered from it. I've withdrawn and isolated my heart to being hurt further. I've taken steps to numb myself from the pain, which only seems to make the pain feel even worse. I've noticed that it's been difficult to feel like I have and friends, even friends that are close. I've felt like there is no one that I can trust. I don't even feel like I can trust myself, or my own motives. I feel like I've been playing more and more with fire, and that eventually I'm going to get burned by it, unless I can find another solution.
Pain has been a reoccurring companion for me in my life. I remember crying myself to sleep at nights when I was younger because I didn't feel like anyone liked me and that I didn't have any friends. The feeling has continued with me as I've grown older. I realize that my perceptions are horrifically tainted and twisted by the beliefs I have about myself: that I am unlovable, and not worth the notice of others. Sadly, I've turned this belief against others. Many times, a friendship has taken root in my heart, only to later be blasted by my anger and by my inability to love the other person. I've often felt like my heart was a lonely, desolate place where no one else was. Many times, it's been like Tumm has rampaged and destroyed everything, only to ultimately curl up in a ball in the center of the blast radius and go completely numb. I honestly feel like the cycle of destruction and attempted rebirth has gone on far too long in my life. It would be nice for a friendship to grow, become strong, and stay alive in my heart. Sometimes I think my heart just isn't fertile enough for it. I've always thought that friendships were hard to form. Now I'm beginning to think I may be the difficult person to be a friend with.
The pain is often frustrating for me. I have tried to pray many times for it to be removed. I've even tried to surrender it. I feel like I need to give up on both. Neither has made the pain stop. I find myself praying increasingly more in order to have the strength to bear the pain I've been given to bear.
At the root of the madness are number of competing and fighting ideas and desires. On one hand, there is a part of me that so desperately wants to be loved. On another, there is a part that wants to be free from pain and suffering and that doesn't want to hurt any more. The part that desires freedom from pain says that in order to have love, I will have to open up and risk being hurt. The same part decides to keep me guarded and isolate from others. The other part cries out so desperately to feel loved that it often comes out in ways I can't control. Sometimes that part of me starts to listen to the lie that the only way I will be loved is if I am loved sexually by another.
I can see but one path that may lead me back to sanity. I have many safe places to embrace vulnerability and let my pain be shown. Perhaps there, I can finally step into my pain more fully, and allow myself to feel truly loved again.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Worries - 20Feb2012
Worry is quite the interesting beast. He's been paying me visit very often lately. There's been a number of things that I've been worried about. It feels like I have a huge long list of things that have been on my mind lately.
1) I'm worried that I'm in some sort of deep numbness. I've been actually received some healthy touch lately, and I noticed it hasn't felt quite the same way. It's almost like I'm walled off against it. I know I may have some unprocessed trauma around it. It isn't something I'm willing to post up here in public. Part of this worry is that I know touch is a very important thing for me. I still feel like I want it, yet it doesn't seem to help when I do get it.
2) Related to item 1, I noticed that my emotions have been very muted lately, especially ones related to bonding and connection with other people: feeling loved, happiness, peace. I have felt some strong feelings of happiness, peace, and anger. Sadness seems to be oddly absent. I think the last time few times I remember feeling strong emotions was at the therapist and when I was at the temple. This could possibly be a by-product of being sick. Or it could just be a pattern of me detaching from myself.
3) The big worry in my sights right now is a medical test that I am having this week. I can't remember if I posted about the chest pains I've had while working out, or sometimes even while resting. I performed a heart stress test, and my heart is fine. The doctor said it was probably heartburn, so I've been taking a medication for that. Still, the pain has persisted, along with other strange things. I can feel food get 'stuck' in my esophagus. Sometimes my throat will seize up, or go into painful spasms. So, I'm going to get an EGD.
An EGD, or esophagogastroduodenoscopy, is basically where they stick a camera down the person's thraot. I've never had one before, but I've had plenty of horrifying fantasies about it since I first heard of it. I was feeling very nervous and terrified when I first heard about it. Oddly, it's isn't so bad since I learned they will put me under some form of anesthesia. The big worry about it now is paying for it. I don't have money problems frequently, but when I do, it usually causes me to panic. Oddly, I feel very detached from the feeling of panic, but I still find myself trying to calculate how much the procedure will cost and how I'm going to pay for it.
4) On top of all of this, I keep finding myself engaged in what I call 'deviant' behavior. It can be anything from fantasizing about a man, obsessing over them, finding myself looking for triggering pictures, avoiding people that I feel attracted to, or trying to hide myself from the world. It's basically a set of unhealthy behaviors that lead me to not feeling connected with the people around me. This deviant behavior is paired with an obsession over friendship and not feeling like I'm close to anyone.
When I take an honest look, I think all of these things I'm worried about are connected. The fear and worry over the procedure could be shorting out my feelings. That makes me feel like I'm not close to anyone, and leads me to seek that out. Because my feelings aren't working properly, I don't feel like I'm connected and I'm driven to the unhealthy behaviors to try to feel something. Sadly, I'm not quite sure how to break out of the cycle. Thankfully, I have a visit with my therapist tomorrow. Hopefully he can help me sort out parts of it.
I would also appreciate your prayers for the procedure this Wednesday. I'm going to need all the help and assurance I can get. Thank you.
1) I'm worried that I'm in some sort of deep numbness. I've been actually received some healthy touch lately, and I noticed it hasn't felt quite the same way. It's almost like I'm walled off against it. I know I may have some unprocessed trauma around it. It isn't something I'm willing to post up here in public. Part of this worry is that I know touch is a very important thing for me. I still feel like I want it, yet it doesn't seem to help when I do get it.
2) Related to item 1, I noticed that my emotions have been very muted lately, especially ones related to bonding and connection with other people: feeling loved, happiness, peace. I have felt some strong feelings of happiness, peace, and anger. Sadness seems to be oddly absent. I think the last time few times I remember feeling strong emotions was at the therapist and when I was at the temple. This could possibly be a by-product of being sick. Or it could just be a pattern of me detaching from myself.
3) The big worry in my sights right now is a medical test that I am having this week. I can't remember if I posted about the chest pains I've had while working out, or sometimes even while resting. I performed a heart stress test, and my heart is fine. The doctor said it was probably heartburn, so I've been taking a medication for that. Still, the pain has persisted, along with other strange things. I can feel food get 'stuck' in my esophagus. Sometimes my throat will seize up, or go into painful spasms. So, I'm going to get an EGD.
An EGD, or esophagogastroduodenoscopy, is basically where they stick a camera down the person's thraot. I've never had one before, but I've had plenty of horrifying fantasies about it since I first heard of it. I was feeling very nervous and terrified when I first heard about it. Oddly, it's isn't so bad since I learned they will put me under some form of anesthesia. The big worry about it now is paying for it. I don't have money problems frequently, but when I do, it usually causes me to panic. Oddly, I feel very detached from the feeling of panic, but I still find myself trying to calculate how much the procedure will cost and how I'm going to pay for it.
4) On top of all of this, I keep finding myself engaged in what I call 'deviant' behavior. It can be anything from fantasizing about a man, obsessing over them, finding myself looking for triggering pictures, avoiding people that I feel attracted to, or trying to hide myself from the world. It's basically a set of unhealthy behaviors that lead me to not feeling connected with the people around me. This deviant behavior is paired with an obsession over friendship and not feeling like I'm close to anyone.
When I take an honest look, I think all of these things I'm worried about are connected. The fear and worry over the procedure could be shorting out my feelings. That makes me feel like I'm not close to anyone, and leads me to seek that out. Because my feelings aren't working properly, I don't feel like I'm connected and I'm driven to the unhealthy behaviors to try to feel something. Sadly, I'm not quite sure how to break out of the cycle. Thankfully, I have a visit with my therapist tomorrow. Hopefully he can help me sort out parts of it.
I would also appreciate your prayers for the procedure this Wednesday. I'm going to need all the help and assurance I can get. Thank you.
Monday, February 13, 2012
The Woman In Black - Forgiveness
I just barely got back from watching "The Woman In Black". I really don't plan on reviewing movies in this blog post, but I want to share some brief plot points. I'll be hiding the next paragraph in a nice 'anti-spoiler' tag. If you don't mind being spoiled, or have seen the movie, you can highlight the text by using your mouse. Hitting Ctrl-A also works. If this is a foreign language, see your nearest computer geek for assistance.
The main plot point for "The Woman In Black" is about a woman, Jannette. Jannette is deemed to be mentally unstable, and her son is taken away from her by her sister. Sometime later, the son is travelling with his adopted parents and dies in a tragic accident: their carriage sinks in the mud. Jannette angrily declares that she will never forgive her sister, and that her sister never tried to save her son. Jannette hangs herself, and comes back as a ghost in black. Whenever someone visits her house, she kills a child in the local village. The main character thinks he resolves the issue by finding and returning Janette's son's body to Janette's grave, but ghost has already sworn that she will 'never forgive'.
I found it interesting that forgiveness, or the inability to forgive, played a large part in the movie. As I drove home, I started to think about two people that I judge I have hurt pretty deeply. No matter how much time has passed, I always feel like I want to tell them 'I'm sorry'. I'm sorry that things didn't turn out. I'm sorry I wasn't in the right place to make our relationship work out. One of these people is a girl that I dated in college. The other is a man that I called my best friend for awhile. With the girl, I kept dating her, expecting some kind of spark to happen in me, and for me to become attracted to her. I'd rather not go into the other story, far too personal and painful.
Anyways, as I drove home, I felt a great deal of pain. I realized that I was still struggling to forgive myself for it. On another note, I also realized I still have a lot of anger due to the incidents directed toward the other people. That probably extends from the pain of not being able to forgive myself. Honestly, I feel like a man divided. Instead of there being two equal pieces, I end up with two shadows. The scene in my head almost plays out like a scene from a play.
One part of me lie curled in a ball, trying to numb everything out. He rocks and tries to comfort himself. He says 'I'm sorry' over and over. He also says 'I can never forgive myself for what I've done'. In reality, he is the innocent one. Standing over him is Tumm. Tumm is dressed in black, as usual, with blood on his hands. He is the real one at fault in the situation. Tumm's duty is to draw boundaries, enforce them, and to understand what is going on with the other part of me, which is lying huddled on the ground. Tumm is pointing his finger, angrily, at me and at the people around me. He says 'It's all your fault!'. He points at me and says 'I can never forgive you. You're worthless. It's all your fault.'
As silly as it sounds, writing it out like that helps me to gain insight into what is going on, and how I can figure out how to heal myself. Tumm needs to accept the fact that he was also responsible for my actions. The other part needs to know that he didn't know what was going on, and that he was under a delusion of sorts. It's like I need to realize I'm both guilty and innocent at the same time. And ultimately, I need to forgive myself to find a sense of closure.
As an interesting irony, tomorrow is Valentine's day. On Valentine's day, four years ago, that girl sent me a note and asked me to a movie. That was the beginning of our dating relationship.
On a lighter note, I'm glad I was able to walk out of a horror movie with most of my sanity intact. The last horror movie I walked out of, I was terrified of the dark all the way home and for a few days afterward. The only side effects this movie had were: 1) my eyes constantly looking for the woman in black, either in windows, cars, down hallways, etc 2) me being terrified about the children I live with.
Oh, on another note, I don't recommend watching "The Woman In Black" if you have small children, especially if you're already pretty sensitive to horror movies. That being said, I will close up this blog post and get some sleep.
The main plot point for "The Woman In Black" is about a woman, Jannette. Jannette is deemed to be mentally unstable, and her son is taken away from her by her sister. Sometime later, the son is travelling with his adopted parents and dies in a tragic accident: their carriage sinks in the mud. Jannette angrily declares that she will never forgive her sister, and that her sister never tried to save her son. Jannette hangs herself, and comes back as a ghost in black. Whenever someone visits her house, she kills a child in the local village. The main character thinks he resolves the issue by finding and returning Janette's son's body to Janette's grave, but ghost has already sworn that she will 'never forgive'.
I found it interesting that forgiveness, or the inability to forgive, played a large part in the movie. As I drove home, I started to think about two people that I judge I have hurt pretty deeply. No matter how much time has passed, I always feel like I want to tell them 'I'm sorry'. I'm sorry that things didn't turn out. I'm sorry I wasn't in the right place to make our relationship work out. One of these people is a girl that I dated in college. The other is a man that I called my best friend for awhile. With the girl, I kept dating her, expecting some kind of spark to happen in me, and for me to become attracted to her. I'd rather not go into the other story, far too personal and painful.
Anyways, as I drove home, I felt a great deal of pain. I realized that I was still struggling to forgive myself for it. On another note, I also realized I still have a lot of anger due to the incidents directed toward the other people. That probably extends from the pain of not being able to forgive myself. Honestly, I feel like a man divided. Instead of there being two equal pieces, I end up with two shadows. The scene in my head almost plays out like a scene from a play.
One part of me lie curled in a ball, trying to numb everything out. He rocks and tries to comfort himself. He says 'I'm sorry' over and over. He also says 'I can never forgive myself for what I've done'. In reality, he is the innocent one. Standing over him is Tumm. Tumm is dressed in black, as usual, with blood on his hands. He is the real one at fault in the situation. Tumm's duty is to draw boundaries, enforce them, and to understand what is going on with the other part of me, which is lying huddled on the ground. Tumm is pointing his finger, angrily, at me and at the people around me. He says 'It's all your fault!'. He points at me and says 'I can never forgive you. You're worthless. It's all your fault.'
As silly as it sounds, writing it out like that helps me to gain insight into what is going on, and how I can figure out how to heal myself. Tumm needs to accept the fact that he was also responsible for my actions. The other part needs to know that he didn't know what was going on, and that he was under a delusion of sorts. It's like I need to realize I'm both guilty and innocent at the same time. And ultimately, I need to forgive myself to find a sense of closure.
As an interesting irony, tomorrow is Valentine's day. On Valentine's day, four years ago, that girl sent me a note and asked me to a movie. That was the beginning of our dating relationship.
On a lighter note, I'm glad I was able to walk out of a horror movie with most of my sanity intact. The last horror movie I walked out of, I was terrified of the dark all the way home and for a few days afterward. The only side effects this movie had were: 1) my eyes constantly looking for the woman in black, either in windows, cars, down hallways, etc 2) me being terrified about the children I live with.
Oh, on another note, I don't recommend watching "The Woman In Black" if you have small children, especially if you're already pretty sensitive to horror movies. That being said, I will close up this blog post and get some sleep.
The Issue Cycle 13Feb2012
This last week was a really interesting one for me. Thankfully, none of it involved a tow truck or a police car. It was just like I was noticing each and every last male that was even remotely attractive to me. It really bothered me for a good part of the week, especially since some of my co-workers fall into that category. Thankfully, I took the day off Friday to get a small reprieve from that. I've also been noticing how often my thoughts have turned to lust, or how often I find myself indulging in fantasy. I honestly don't know if this is due to an increase of temptations or if I'm simply becoming more and more aware of my thoughts and my attractions. I do feel like I'm starting to gain more control over my thoughts.
Anyways, I noticed this morning that a different issue of mine was starting to come up. I felt like I looked at my life and felt like I didn't have any close friends. I realized that this is partially a lie on my part. I have many friends that I can talk to, many people who are safe to share intimate and very personal things. I just don't understand why something like this keeps coming up. It could partially be to the fact that I have a tendency to push people away, even when they do get close to me.
I then realized that my issues tend to go through cycles. I've started to see themes and patterns emerge with thing that I 'deal with'. Similar issues tend to come up over and over. Each issue tends to take it's turn on the 'top' of the heap.
Here's a small list:
Touch. This one tends to be on the quite a bit. I've often felt the desire to be held by another person. Lately, I've also been getting desires to hold some friends of mine. I don't know if it's an attempt to comfort them, or to shelter them. One of my fears around this is that it's an attempt to try to take away their problems. On a more positive note, it could be a desire to give to other men what I feel I need. I've had some very positive and uplifting experiences related to touch and holding, so this issue doesn't seem to be on the top quite as much lately.
Nudity/Body Image. One of the biggest struggles of the past week seemed to be based around nudity or even how other men look. I found myself wanting to look, almost obsessively, at other men that I found attractive. It was like part of me wanted to figure out what it was I was looking for in them. I also found myself analyzing new men to see if I felt attracted to them or not. In some cases, I found myself wondering what they would look like unclothed in various degrees. Those sorts of thoughts unfortunately would quickly lead to inappropriate fantasies many times. This is an issue that I'm not quite sure how to address. I feel like I have made some progress with this 'issue', yet it is obvious there still is more work to be done. Largely, this could be boiled down to either my own body shame, or perhaps just a natural curiosity about what men look like.
Friendship. Friendship is the one that seems to be on the top most recently. I see two guys walking down the street together and imagine that they're best of friends. They're buddies. They do everything together. I find myself really wanting something like that. I look at interactions between men at church, work, or in other places and I judge that they are warm and friendly with each other, and I find myself craving interactions like that or interactions with those men. I've found myself many times looking at all of my friends and not feeling like there was anyone I was close to. It makes me wonder what I judge a 'close friendship' to be. There are many men I share personal things with, yet I don't feel close to those men. It could be a part of my defensive detachment. I could emotionally/mentally/behaviorally push men away when they get to close. The defensive detachment could largely come from feeling hurt by different men in the past (whether they intended to or not). It could also still be some burnout from my last few attempts at establishing a close friendship with another man.
To speak more of the friendship, I realized last night that I give some men great power to be able to hurt me, to make or break me. I find that I can grow very dependent, in a sense, to men that I am attracted to. If they interact positively with me, then everything is great. If they interact negatively with me, then the world is coming to an end. The whole thing is not a very healthy thing for me. It often leads me to feeling hurt.
On another note, I think that friendship is largely based on reciprocation. I know of many people, both male and female, that have tried to interact with me and share about themselves. For whatever reason, I have felt like I don't want to share on the same level back. On the other hand, there are men that I want to share about myself with them and be close to them, but I've felt like they don't want the same thing back. Even though I realize that it's probably not meant to be personal, I often find myself resenting the man. I feel hurt, bitter, and angry for a time, and then I find myself trying all over again. It honestly makes me afraid that seeking out a close friendship with another man is a fool's dream. Or, I'm afraid that there is something wrong with me that leads to these men not wanting to be close to me. Maybe there's something about the way I act and share that scares other men away. Perhaps my expectations are too high. Perhaps my idea of a close friendship isn't an accurate one. Or maybe I just keep pushing men away before they have a chance to get close. Maybe I move too fast and share too much.
I don't know the answer to the friendship thing. Relationships are complicated, because there are two different people involved. All I know is that it's the issue that seems to be on 'top' right now.
Friday, February 3, 2012
My (Mis)Adventures - 3Feb2012
I honestly can't think of a better word for what happened tonight.
Honestly, it started out pretty calm. I went to Jamba Juice after work. Tried out a banana berry flavor smoothing and came home. No one was home and it smelled faintly like poopy diapers (probably my imagination). I turned on the computer and started watching the last two episodes of Slayers Try. I was planning on meeting up with a friend after he got out of work.
5 minutes from the end of the last episode, the friend calls me up and I'm soon speeding my way to the place where we were going to meet. I ran into some heavy traffic, and finally arrived at the place I thought was the right one: Ichiban Sushi. I go inside and I don't see my friend anywhere in the place. That's when I call him up and realize the location is on the other side of State St. So, I quickly pop a U-turn and I find the place. I can't see any parking nearby so I pull into an open spot in the parking lot next to the sushi place we were meeting: Red Ginger. I walk in, find my friend. Order, enjoy the meal and the conversation (actually it was pretty one sided because I felt kind of shy about talking about myself). I walk out with the intention of going to his place to chat with him.
I walked to where my car was and had to do a double take. My car had...transformed? No, it was missing. There was another Prius nearby. Did they move my car? No, it wasn't my beloved Synthia. That's when I realized my car may have been stolen. I called up my friend (who thankfully hadn't left). And I searched the parking lot and found the small towing sign that said something to the effect of 33rd Plaza, towing by so and so towing company. The sign was no bigger than my license plate. Now, I've been to that plaza many times and I've NEVER seen that towing sign before. NEVER. Anyways, I call up the tow company, in a panic, and figure out where they are and how much I'll have to pay. $246.50. Borderline basketcase, I get in my friends car, talking a mile a minute. At this point, a man approaches the car asking us for some money and my friend obliged. We drove to a nearby ATM, went backwards through the lane (so that I could reach it), and I managed to extract the money without losing my debit card (it's happened before!).
Then we went to my friends place and had a very pleasant and interesting chat. Finally, it was time so I went back to the tow place. It was a bit of an adventure to find because the building they had wasn't right at the streets edge. We had to drive through the parking lot of a different tow company in order to find the one that had my beloved Synthia. I got inside, and there were about 3 people waiting for cars in front of me. Seriously, the one people kept asking questions and I about had an aneurism. At this point I realized again how grateful I was that I had paid Synthia off last December. Finally, I paid the money, signed all the forms, and got back to my car.
I can't quite explain the feeling of relief at sitting in the driver's seat. And the comforting, familiar feel of the seat against my back, and the feel of the shifter. I was pleased. I wanted to inspect my car for any possible damages, so I pulled out onto the street, called up my friend to tell him, and got out of my car to check it out. Everything looked good, and the tail light that randomly shorts out was even on (I've been pulled over for that 3 times in the last year). I walked up to my friend, and gave him a pat on the shoulder and thank him for his help. He put his car in gear, and it made me nervous because he didn't seem to quite know which gear he was in (he was in a rental). At this point, I jokingly ran off to go hide in my car.
My friend drives off. I reach over to tweet one last time how happy I am to have my car back, when the police lights started to shine in my rear view window. I was seriously reaching to shift into drive when it happened! The officer asked me what I was doing. I said I was just about to head out, and that I had just retrieved my car from the tow company. The officer said he saw me hand my friend something and then run away. I told him I had just patted him on the shoulder. After showing him my license and my tow company paperwork, the officer thanked me for my cooperation and then let me go. At that point, I decided the best thing to do was leave the scene as quickly as possibly. I got home without event and managed to fuel up my car. As I pulled out of the gas station, I had to pull in behind a Sheriff. At this point, I was begging the Sheriff to ignore me and pull someone else over.
I feel so many feelings over the course of the night. I felt rage, anger, sadness, shock, fear, numbness, and tired. I also felt contentment and safety with my friend.
I am grateful to have passed through the school of hard knocks relatively unscathed. I will not be visiting that little plaza at 33rd and State for a long time. I'm grateful that I had a great friend that stuck with me and helped me not go crazy. I'm also grateful that I paid my car off. In short, I'm grateful that Heavenly Father placed that friend in my life at that time.
In short, I had an adventurous night. One that I hope is never topped in a looooong time.
Honestly, it started out pretty calm. I went to Jamba Juice after work. Tried out a banana berry flavor smoothing and came home. No one was home and it smelled faintly like poopy diapers (probably my imagination). I turned on the computer and started watching the last two episodes of Slayers Try. I was planning on meeting up with a friend after he got out of work.
5 minutes from the end of the last episode, the friend calls me up and I'm soon speeding my way to the place where we were going to meet. I ran into some heavy traffic, and finally arrived at the place I thought was the right one: Ichiban Sushi. I go inside and I don't see my friend anywhere in the place. That's when I call him up and realize the location is on the other side of State St. So, I quickly pop a U-turn and I find the place. I can't see any parking nearby so I pull into an open spot in the parking lot next to the sushi place we were meeting: Red Ginger. I walk in, find my friend. Order, enjoy the meal and the conversation (actually it was pretty one sided because I felt kind of shy about talking about myself). I walk out with the intention of going to his place to chat with him.
I walked to where my car was and had to do a double take. My car had...transformed? No, it was missing. There was another Prius nearby. Did they move my car? No, it wasn't my beloved Synthia. That's when I realized my car may have been stolen. I called up my friend (who thankfully hadn't left). And I searched the parking lot and found the small towing sign that said something to the effect of 33rd Plaza, towing by so and so towing company. The sign was no bigger than my license plate. Now, I've been to that plaza many times and I've NEVER seen that towing sign before. NEVER. Anyways, I call up the tow company, in a panic, and figure out where they are and how much I'll have to pay. $246.50. Borderline basketcase, I get in my friends car, talking a mile a minute. At this point, a man approaches the car asking us for some money and my friend obliged. We drove to a nearby ATM, went backwards through the lane (so that I could reach it), and I managed to extract the money without losing my debit card (it's happened before!).
Then we went to my friends place and had a very pleasant and interesting chat. Finally, it was time so I went back to the tow place. It was a bit of an adventure to find because the building they had wasn't right at the streets edge. We had to drive through the parking lot of a different tow company in order to find the one that had my beloved Synthia. I got inside, and there were about 3 people waiting for cars in front of me. Seriously, the one people kept asking questions and I about had an aneurism. At this point I realized again how grateful I was that I had paid Synthia off last December. Finally, I paid the money, signed all the forms, and got back to my car.
I can't quite explain the feeling of relief at sitting in the driver's seat. And the comforting, familiar feel of the seat against my back, and the feel of the shifter. I was pleased. I wanted to inspect my car for any possible damages, so I pulled out onto the street, called up my friend to tell him, and got out of my car to check it out. Everything looked good, and the tail light that randomly shorts out was even on (I've been pulled over for that 3 times in the last year). I walked up to my friend, and gave him a pat on the shoulder and thank him for his help. He put his car in gear, and it made me nervous because he didn't seem to quite know which gear he was in (he was in a rental). At this point, I jokingly ran off to go hide in my car.
My friend drives off. I reach over to tweet one last time how happy I am to have my car back, when the police lights started to shine in my rear view window. I was seriously reaching to shift into drive when it happened! The officer asked me what I was doing. I said I was just about to head out, and that I had just retrieved my car from the tow company. The officer said he saw me hand my friend something and then run away. I told him I had just patted him on the shoulder. After showing him my license and my tow company paperwork, the officer thanked me for my cooperation and then let me go. At that point, I decided the best thing to do was leave the scene as quickly as possibly. I got home without event and managed to fuel up my car. As I pulled out of the gas station, I had to pull in behind a Sheriff. At this point, I was begging the Sheriff to ignore me and pull someone else over.
I feel so many feelings over the course of the night. I felt rage, anger, sadness, shock, fear, numbness, and tired. I also felt contentment and safety with my friend.
I am grateful to have passed through the school of hard knocks relatively unscathed. I will not be visiting that little plaza at 33rd and State for a long time. I'm grateful that I had a great friend that stuck with me and helped me not go crazy. I'm also grateful that I paid my car off. In short, I'm grateful that Heavenly Father placed that friend in my life at that time.
In short, I had an adventurous night. One that I hope is never topped in a looooong time.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Bouncing Around In My Head 30Jan2012
Today is another installment of 'Bouncing Around in My Head'. I'll be exploring a number of thoughts/ponderings that I've been having lately.
Since the coming out post, I actively told a number of friends of mine from my old Sigma Gamma Chi chapter about the fact that I had same gender attraction. (I say old because the fraternity was disbanded last year.) Most of the guys felt honored that I told them. Some of them were confused. Some of them already knew about me. I honestly was confused with the ones that already knew about me. I wonder why they hadn't ever brought it up with me, or tried to talk with me about it. It almost makes me feel like they'd been watching me for years, observing this behavior in me. Honestly, I say that and realize that I'm the one that's been watching my behavior very closely and always trying to decide my motives behind doing things. For the most part, it's not always fair to myself. Often times, my motives start out innocent. As I over-think things, I twist my own motives into things more insidious.
On a happy note, I've been asking for safe places to get my touch needs met. It's been very helpful and scary. It's interesting that I'm so unfamiliar with asking for something like that that I'm terrified of asking, and also scared when it happens. On the other hand, not taking care of this need of mine was slowly killing me, and led me to do something desperate. Thankfully, nothing too terrible happened there. Since then, I've been fulfilling my needs in a better, safer, healthier way. I'm trying to accept the fact that I need to regularly get this need met. I have a need for closeness with other men. In my eyes, it's a very natural, nonsexual sort of thing. It's when I don't get it met that it morphs into something else. Today, I still feel a drive to seek out touch, but I don't feel nearly as desperate or like I'm white knuckling through things as much.
Last Friday, I was exchanging some texts with an acquaintance of mine. He also experiences same gender attraction and has decided to have a boyfriend. Whenever we text, he nearly always says that he's doing 'great'. In our last exchange, he told (as he has before) that I was 'born this way' and that I should 'just get a man to sleep with'. Honestly, his comments infuriated me. I highly disagree with the idea that I was born with same gender attraction. I also wasn't born 5'6" with a full head of hair, an adult body, and a passion for games of all sorts. Those were things that developed over time. I could agree with the fact I was born with a tendency to be attracted toward other men. Perhaps my spirit was created with a greater need to bond with those of my same gender. I can agree with the idea that I was born more sensitive and introverted. I can't agree with the idea I was born with same gender attraction. So, 'born this way'. If you're talking about my personality, then yes. If you're talking about same gender attraction, no. I honestly feel like same gender attraction, specifically when it's a sexual nature, is a construct on top of some of my more basic personality features, basic needs, learned behaviors, and unmet needs. Same gender attraction, for me, is something far too complicated for a newborn to have.
In contract, I was speaking with another friend of mine, who also has same gender attraction, and he asked me a very profound question. Instead of trying to play the 'I know exactly who you are' card, he opted to understand my position. He asked me: "For whom are you trying to be straight?" Honestly, the question stunned me. I honestly wasn't quite sure at the time, and I realize the question is far more complicated than it may appear on the surface. I'll have to address it once piece at a time.
I'll start near the end with the word 'trying to be straight'. I can honestly state that in the past, I have tried to be straight. I've tried to suppress and ignore my feelings of same gender attraction. All it brought me was depression, self hatred, and misery. Since I've started to face and understand my feelings of attraction for men, I've slowly been learning to accept them. It's been a long process. I still have a long ways to go. There's probably some lingering part of me that expects me to magically want to date women, feel emotional/sexually attracted to them, and want to marry one. There definitely is some lingering self hatred and resentment for the fact that I have same gender attraction. I'm still pushing through. Until I fully accept the fact I have this, I doubt that Heavenly Father will fully reveal His intention for giving me this trial/challenge/curse/blessing. Recently, I had a profound talk with my therapist (see this blog post) that helped open my eyes to the possibility of embracing and accepting my same gender attraction, without giving up my religious beliefs. I honestly do believe I can enjoy deep, emotional connection with men and not break any laws of the gospel. I also believe I can be physically close (note not sexually/romantically close) with other men and not be breaking any laws of the gospel. The goal is for me to slowly work myself into a position where I can accept and embrace those things, because I believe they are things that I need. I've denied them for a long time, so it's going to take more time.
Now for the first part 'for whom'. For me, that's asking 'Why do I do what I do?' As I've thought about this question, I've also been reading I Don't Want To Kill You by Dan Wells. The book is about a sociopath teen who is obsessed with serial killers. He's studied how they work and think. One of the questions that he likes to ask is 'What did the killer do, that they didn't have to do?' The whole point of it was to understand how the serial killer is thinking. Or more accurately, what kind of holes the serial killer is trying to fill in their soul with killing. I also asked myself this question, trying to understand why I masturbate. Beyond eating, drinking, sleeping, and physical touch, there's not much I need to do in relation to my body. Why would I do something unnecessary like masturbation? What kind of hole am I trying to fill? After examining the behavior, and the thoughts that come up related to it, I realized that I was trying to find connection with other people. There is a hole where other people should go in my heart. For some reason, I have a hard time filling up that hole. I try to fill it up with something else, masturbation. And that honestly doesn't fill it up for me. I just realized that this paragraph is totally off topic.
Now, back to the original subject, why do I do what I do? My ultimate goal is to do things for Heavenly Father. I want to do His will. I want to be back in His presence one day. I want to have His happiness. I've felt His love. I yearn to feel it all the time. Is that what always motivates me? Of course not. Sometimes I do things purely for myself (out of selfishness). Sometimes I do things for myself to take care of myself (out of love for myself). Sometimes I do things to ascribe to an ideal, standard, or religious teaching. My least favorite is when I do things because of what I worry of what other people would think or what society would think of me. That has never led me to happiness. Ultimately, I want to be inspired and moved to act by love. Pure love. Charity. Love for myself, for my fellow man (and woman), and for a love of God.
Much easier said than done.
Well, friend who shall go unnamed, thank you for posing that question! It's honestly led me to recommitting myself to seek out the pure love of Christ (see Moroni 7:44-48 for one of my favorite definitions of charity). It's also helped me take another look at myself in a different sort of light. Thank you again!
Thank you for reading. If you have comments/insights/musings/questions, feel free to e-mail me (my e-mail is below). You can also comment on this blog post. Also, I accept text messages and Facebook messages (if you happen to know how to contact me that way).
Thank you friends.
-Andrew
Since the coming out post, I actively told a number of friends of mine from my old Sigma Gamma Chi chapter about the fact that I had same gender attraction. (I say old because the fraternity was disbanded last year.) Most of the guys felt honored that I told them. Some of them were confused. Some of them already knew about me. I honestly was confused with the ones that already knew about me. I wonder why they hadn't ever brought it up with me, or tried to talk with me about it. It almost makes me feel like they'd been watching me for years, observing this behavior in me. Honestly, I say that and realize that I'm the one that's been watching my behavior very closely and always trying to decide my motives behind doing things. For the most part, it's not always fair to myself. Often times, my motives start out innocent. As I over-think things, I twist my own motives into things more insidious.
On a happy note, I've been asking for safe places to get my touch needs met. It's been very helpful and scary. It's interesting that I'm so unfamiliar with asking for something like that that I'm terrified of asking, and also scared when it happens. On the other hand, not taking care of this need of mine was slowly killing me, and led me to do something desperate. Thankfully, nothing too terrible happened there. Since then, I've been fulfilling my needs in a better, safer, healthier way. I'm trying to accept the fact that I need to regularly get this need met. I have a need for closeness with other men. In my eyes, it's a very natural, nonsexual sort of thing. It's when I don't get it met that it morphs into something else. Today, I still feel a drive to seek out touch, but I don't feel nearly as desperate or like I'm white knuckling through things as much.
Last Friday, I was exchanging some texts with an acquaintance of mine. He also experiences same gender attraction and has decided to have a boyfriend. Whenever we text, he nearly always says that he's doing 'great'. In our last exchange, he told (as he has before) that I was 'born this way' and that I should 'just get a man to sleep with'. Honestly, his comments infuriated me. I highly disagree with the idea that I was born with same gender attraction. I also wasn't born 5'6" with a full head of hair, an adult body, and a passion for games of all sorts. Those were things that developed over time. I could agree with the fact I was born with a tendency to be attracted toward other men. Perhaps my spirit was created with a greater need to bond with those of my same gender. I can agree with the idea that I was born more sensitive and introverted. I can't agree with the idea I was born with same gender attraction. So, 'born this way'. If you're talking about my personality, then yes. If you're talking about same gender attraction, no. I honestly feel like same gender attraction, specifically when it's a sexual nature, is a construct on top of some of my more basic personality features, basic needs, learned behaviors, and unmet needs. Same gender attraction, for me, is something far too complicated for a newborn to have.
In contract, I was speaking with another friend of mine, who also has same gender attraction, and he asked me a very profound question. Instead of trying to play the 'I know exactly who you are' card, he opted to understand my position. He asked me: "For whom are you trying to be straight?" Honestly, the question stunned me. I honestly wasn't quite sure at the time, and I realize the question is far more complicated than it may appear on the surface. I'll have to address it once piece at a time.
I'll start near the end with the word 'trying to be straight'. I can honestly state that in the past, I have tried to be straight. I've tried to suppress and ignore my feelings of same gender attraction. All it brought me was depression, self hatred, and misery. Since I've started to face and understand my feelings of attraction for men, I've slowly been learning to accept them. It's been a long process. I still have a long ways to go. There's probably some lingering part of me that expects me to magically want to date women, feel emotional/sexually attracted to them, and want to marry one. There definitely is some lingering self hatred and resentment for the fact that I have same gender attraction. I'm still pushing through. Until I fully accept the fact I have this, I doubt that Heavenly Father will fully reveal His intention for giving me this trial/challenge/curse/blessing. Recently, I had a profound talk with my therapist (see this blog post) that helped open my eyes to the possibility of embracing and accepting my same gender attraction, without giving up my religious beliefs. I honestly do believe I can enjoy deep, emotional connection with men and not break any laws of the gospel. I also believe I can be physically close (note not sexually/romantically close) with other men and not be breaking any laws of the gospel. The goal is for me to slowly work myself into a position where I can accept and embrace those things, because I believe they are things that I need. I've denied them for a long time, so it's going to take more time.
Now for the first part 'for whom'. For me, that's asking 'Why do I do what I do?' As I've thought about this question, I've also been reading I Don't Want To Kill You by Dan Wells. The book is about a sociopath teen who is obsessed with serial killers. He's studied how they work and think. One of the questions that he likes to ask is 'What did the killer do, that they didn't have to do?' The whole point of it was to understand how the serial killer is thinking. Or more accurately, what kind of holes the serial killer is trying to fill in their soul with killing. I also asked myself this question, trying to understand why I masturbate. Beyond eating, drinking, sleeping, and physical touch, there's not much I need to do in relation to my body. Why would I do something unnecessary like masturbation? What kind of hole am I trying to fill? After examining the behavior, and the thoughts that come up related to it, I realized that I was trying to find connection with other people. There is a hole where other people should go in my heart. For some reason, I have a hard time filling up that hole. I try to fill it up with something else, masturbation. And that honestly doesn't fill it up for me. I just realized that this paragraph is totally off topic.
Now, back to the original subject, why do I do what I do? My ultimate goal is to do things for Heavenly Father. I want to do His will. I want to be back in His presence one day. I want to have His happiness. I've felt His love. I yearn to feel it all the time. Is that what always motivates me? Of course not. Sometimes I do things purely for myself (out of selfishness). Sometimes I do things for myself to take care of myself (out of love for myself). Sometimes I do things to ascribe to an ideal, standard, or religious teaching. My least favorite is when I do things because of what I worry of what other people would think or what society would think of me. That has never led me to happiness. Ultimately, I want to be inspired and moved to act by love. Pure love. Charity. Love for myself, for my fellow man (and woman), and for a love of God.
Much easier said than done.
Well, friend who shall go unnamed, thank you for posing that question! It's honestly led me to recommitting myself to seek out the pure love of Christ (see Moroni 7:44-48 for one of my favorite definitions of charity). It's also helped me take another look at myself in a different sort of light. Thank you again!
Thank you for reading. If you have comments/insights/musings/questions, feel free to e-mail me (my e-mail is below). You can also comment on this blog post. Also, I accept text messages and Facebook messages (if you happen to know how to contact me that way).
Thank you friends.
-Andrew
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Victimization, Defensive Detachment, And Tumm Arising
I couldn't think of a better title for this post. I had a number of very powerful insights yesterday during my support group. The day started out pretty bad and ended up being a lot better.
As I went to my support group, I finally got some insight into the fact that I have been victimizing myself quite a bit lately. I pass a lot of time thinking basically 'Poor me!' Instead of doing something about the problems and situations that are in front of me, I let myself languish in agony over past hurts and offenses. I had been feeling lonely, but at the same time I was so focused on the fact that no one was talking to me, that I didn't reach out to talk to others. I was lonely, and doing nothing but dwelling on the fact that I was lonely. I was making myself a victim, a martyr if you will.
During my support group, I realize this, and started to decide that I was tired of making myself the victim. I was tired of taking the passive route in my life. I was going to do something. As I made this resolution, I discovered that my victimization and my defensive detachment are very closely intertwined. When I become the victim, everyone around me turns into someone that has or will hurt me, and then I withdraw myself to keep myself "safe". It's a pattern I've followed for so many years. I've perpetuated the disconnection, the loneliness, and the pain by not connecting to the people around me. In a sense, I was abusing myself and denying myself what I really needed.
It was interesting the surge of power that I have felt today. I felt like I got things done! I had some questions about a internet service providers service and I actually called them up rather than spending time trying to assume what it was like. I took a step to correct a mistake that I had made. When I found myself slipping into the 'poor me!' mindset, I quickly reminded myself that I am not a victim.
Sure, I may be hurt. I may be broken on the inside. I'm battered, bruised, and wounded. That doesn't mean that I can't stand up and fight. I still have my resilience and inner strength. I can still stand my ground, and I still have the power to choose. My gift of agency doesn't depend on anything being perfect in my life. Like I overheard in Primary this last week at church, angency is the power to choose. As I felt my 'inner Tumm' well up, I felt myself tapping into that power. It was incredible. Yesterday night and today are probably the few times in a long time where I've felt Tumm become more 'integrated' into me, instead of him being a totally separate part of me. It's so weird to feel a 'steeling' of sort inside. I don't think I've ever felt so strong.
It's been some incredible progress.
Going forward, I'm going to take a more proactive step to reach out for help. I have many, many wonderful, caring, and loving friends who are willing to listen and help me work through things.
I also realize that this strength comes from my Heavenly Father. He's the one that gave me the gift of agency and gave me the wonderful gift of life. When I use this gift He's given me to follow His path, then His power flows through me to touch everything I touch.
Oh, and don't make Tumm angry. He likes to throw around fire when he gets upset.
P. S. Tumm was first introduced in this post.
As I went to my support group, I finally got some insight into the fact that I have been victimizing myself quite a bit lately. I pass a lot of time thinking basically 'Poor me!' Instead of doing something about the problems and situations that are in front of me, I let myself languish in agony over past hurts and offenses. I had been feeling lonely, but at the same time I was so focused on the fact that no one was talking to me, that I didn't reach out to talk to others. I was lonely, and doing nothing but dwelling on the fact that I was lonely. I was making myself a victim, a martyr if you will.
During my support group, I realize this, and started to decide that I was tired of making myself the victim. I was tired of taking the passive route in my life. I was going to do something. As I made this resolution, I discovered that my victimization and my defensive detachment are very closely intertwined. When I become the victim, everyone around me turns into someone that has or will hurt me, and then I withdraw myself to keep myself "safe". It's a pattern I've followed for so many years. I've perpetuated the disconnection, the loneliness, and the pain by not connecting to the people around me. In a sense, I was abusing myself and denying myself what I really needed.
It was interesting the surge of power that I have felt today. I felt like I got things done! I had some questions about a internet service providers service and I actually called them up rather than spending time trying to assume what it was like. I took a step to correct a mistake that I had made. When I found myself slipping into the 'poor me!' mindset, I quickly reminded myself that I am not a victim.
Sure, I may be hurt. I may be broken on the inside. I'm battered, bruised, and wounded. That doesn't mean that I can't stand up and fight. I still have my resilience and inner strength. I can still stand my ground, and I still have the power to choose. My gift of agency doesn't depend on anything being perfect in my life. Like I overheard in Primary this last week at church, angency is the power to choose. As I felt my 'inner Tumm' well up, I felt myself tapping into that power. It was incredible. Yesterday night and today are probably the few times in a long time where I've felt Tumm become more 'integrated' into me, instead of him being a totally separate part of me. It's so weird to feel a 'steeling' of sort inside. I don't think I've ever felt so strong.
It's been some incredible progress.
Going forward, I'm going to take a more proactive step to reach out for help. I have many, many wonderful, caring, and loving friends who are willing to listen and help me work through things.
I also realize that this strength comes from my Heavenly Father. He's the one that gave me the gift of agency and gave me the wonderful gift of life. When I use this gift He's given me to follow His path, then His power flows through me to touch everything I touch.
Oh, and don't make Tumm angry. He likes to throw around fire when he gets upset.
P. S. Tumm was first introduced in this post.
Friday, December 30, 2011
The Demons Come In Sideways
First off, this post is a scary one to write. I feel like I may be writing about some thoughts and ideas that I've never shared before. Also, I feel like I may be sharing one of the devils tricks. Also, I'm afraid of some of the ramifications of what I want to share in this post.
Last night started out normal, and slowly turned into something very painful. Typically on Thursday nights, I go and play computer games with some friends. Last night ended with me tweeting some very scary things. I'll start with those:
"The battlefield of the mind is a dynamic place. One moment, things are calm. The next, legions of demons emerge from the shadows."
"At first, the demons smile disarmingly, disabling defenses and setting all at ease."
"Then they slip sideways into thoughts, planing corrupt, poisoned seeds of lies that spread like a virus."
"Finally when the person has started to succumb to the poison, they try to crush the person with darkness and despair."
Last night, I was heading home on what I thought would be a typical night. Rush home, grab my computer, and rush to hang to with the friends. It would be an enjoyable evening where we ran around together in the game and laughed and struggled through it together. At least, that was what I was hoping for. I wanted to try to get to where we were meeting early to see if I could finish a book that I've been reading for the past month or so.
When I got home, I had a surprised. There were a lot more people in the front room than I expected. To explain, I live with a family of four. Sitting on the couch was the father, as well as another man I knew, as well as some of both of their children sitting in chairs. I was so shocked, I didn't recognize the other man for a few moments. He smiled and said 'hi'. In a daze, I think I said 'hi' to the man and his wife and went into my room to prepare my computer for transport.
By then, the demons had slipped out of the shadows. Without realizing it, the negative self talk had started in my head:
Why is that family visiting? It seems that the two families are becoming good friends. I feel kind of left out. Well, that's my fault. I'm hardly home and I hardly like to spend time with the family anyways. The two guys seem to have a really good friendship going on. I guess I'm not the kind of person that the other man was looking for. I guess I'm not good enough.
It happened so quickly. I became pretty withdrawn, and felt like I was a shadow moving through the place I lived. Although I did want to give both of those men I knew, who are my friends, hugs before I left, I instead left the scene as quickly as I could, listening away to the lies in my head:
Oh, I don't want to do that in front of either of the wives. What will they think of me? Will they think I'm trying to hit on them? Trying to make a pass?
It was when I was driving away when I finally realized I was listening to some of the oldest lies I've told myself for years. "People don't care about me. I'm not good enough. I'm not worth love and affection." I tried to counter it with truths I knew, but the poison had set in. I felt sad. I felt lonely.
I arrived at the game night, and it wasn't anything like I had hoped it to be. Me and the 3 other guys were all doing different things in different places in the games. It was incredibly lonely. I made a few snarky jokes on and off, feeling vaguely angry that we weren't all together in the game, yet I didn't do anything about that fact.
As I was driving home, the sadness and the loneliness had set in. My mind started to wonder.
There are deer along this part of the road. What if I hit one of them? I could die. Mom would be there at my funeral crying. Dying wouldn't be so bad. I'd be free from the pain I have here, this grief and pain.
That's when I shook my head and realized I was fantasizing. Still, I felt a deep pain in my heart. I was crying. I was sad, hurting, overcome by grief, a combination of the pain of loneliness, and the pains of a guilty conscious. I knew I was guilty of so many different sins. It felt like my heart was breaking.
As I carried my computer back into where I live, I felt dark, crushing despair. It was like something was trying to squeeze the hope out of me. It was a struggle to breath, and I managed to unlock the house and get inside. As I went back for the rest of the computer, I didn't want to go back inside. I knew the demons were out there. Finally, I was able to get everything in my house.
I was tempted with various things. One thought said 'Oh, set up your computer, look at some pornography. You'll feel better.' Another said 'Why don't you masturbate? It's the only time you're really loving yourself! After all, only you love yourself.' And even, there was a few thoughts about trying to end my life. I'm very scared to admit, but I did consider it for a moment, and even thought of way to do it.
All through this, I was praying. I was trying to connect. I honestly don't know why I didn't feel an answer. I laid down, texting two friends of mine. The pain was still there. Tears were still streaming down my face. Many times I whimpered because of the pain. Sometimes, I just wanted to implode on the spot and stop being because it felt like too much. I don't ever remember falling asleep.
This morning, I can still feel that pain in my heart. I still do feel a sense of guilt over things I've done. The one sin I was guilty of last night was perpetuating those lies I've told myself all the years and for listening to those demons. Honestly, I am afraid. I feel afraid whenever thoughts of suicide come up. I honestly feel like I'm too much of a coward to actually do anything like that. I also realize it would cause a great deal of pain to many people that I love. At what point though, does the pain get to be too much? I honestly feel like I am getting near some kind of breaking point. Something has to give. There's something in me that needs to break before I can move on from whatever it is I've been going through the last day, week, month...time period.
For now, I'm going to keep moving and try to feel my way through this pain.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Video Game Music that I Like - Jeanne & Bayonetta
This post is about a 'series' of music from the video game Bayonetta. I first posted about Bayonetta here. You can find more information about the game itself in that post. Warning: this post will contain some plot spoilers for the game.
This series of music is about a friendship, a very strange one indeed. Early in the game of Bayonetta, she encounters a strange woman dressed in a red, stylish outfit. Shortly after meeting, they help each other fight off a group of angels before turning their guns on one another. A truck passes between them, and the woman mysteriously vanishes.
Later, as Bayonetta is exploring the city of Vigrid, the mysterious woman appears once again, this time on a motorcycle. After the woman dispatches the angels with her motorcycle, she parks it on a wall. She and Bayonetta have a talk, in which the woman explains some things to Bayonetta. This triggers a memory in Bayonetta, and the game is taken to a flashback to where she and this mysterious woman were battling in an arena.
The song is entitled 'Battle for the Umbra Throne'. It's the only song I know of that combines maracas, harpsichords, piano, various string instruments, and bagpipes. Yep, bagpipes. Enjoy:
You can see from the video why I didn't try to explain the 'red outfit'. It's kind of crazy.
There probably are a few instruments that I missed from the song. The battle itself is pretty crazy. The arena is basically a rectangular box. The mysterious woman and Bayonetta fight on the floor, the walls, and the ceiling using a special technique called 'Witch Walk'. It enables them to walk on walls and the ceiling whenever moon light is shining.
After the battle is complete, Bayonetta comes back to the present. The woman is gone, but Bayonetta now remembers her name. Jeanne.
Later, Bayonetta is traveling through an old training ground that was once used by the Umbra witches. At one point, she has to leap between several large chunks of rock in an attempt to escape the destruction being caused by an angel that can control the wind. She ends up in what appears to be a round arena of sorts. That's when Jeanne appears again. Jeanne taunts Bayonneta, and they briefly battle each other. This is the music that's playing as they fight:
After a brief fight, the rock they are fighting on shifts, and Bayonetta jumps back to the arena. Jeanne jumps after her, and they fight once more (this time with the player controlling Bayonetta). That's when the song 'Red & Black' begins to play:
Red & Black easily refers to Jeanne and Bayonetta's clothing. Jeanne wears red and Bayonetta wears black. The battle itself is pretty interesting. They fight in the arena. At one point, a large chunk of rock soars by, and they both jump on it to fight on that. After a few moments, that piece of rock collides with something, and they both jump back to the arena to fight.
Later, Bayonetta is on the plane Valkyrie searching for a little girl named Cereza when Jeanne appears once more. Taunting her again. Once more they spar, this time things getting far more intense. Both of them begin using different magical techniques to try to get the advantage over the other. Finally, the player takes control of Bayonetta and they fight on the back of the Valkyrie as it begins crashing into the ocean. Sadly, the game designers reused the song 'Red & Black' for this fight as well. Personally, I think it would have been awesome if they wrote a new song for this confrontation with Jeanne. I guess you can go back and listen to it again if you wish.
Finally, after hijacking a missile, Bayonetta arrives at Isla del Sol, her final destination. Once more, she is confronted by Jeanne. Jeanne begins to recite the prophecy about a child, whose very conception was forbidden. There was a prophecy that if a Lumen Sage and an Umbra Witch were to ever have a child, the child would send both of the clans into chaos. As she speaks, Jeanne uses a remote to fire off groups of missiles. Jeanne finally identifies Bayonetta as the child that sent both clans into chaos, one last group of missiles fires off, and their final battle begins. This music plays during the battle:
The name of the song is 'Blood & Darkness'. The name of the song could have a number of possible meanings. First, it could be a more extreme form of the song 'Red & Black'. It could also be a reference to the fact that both Jeanne and Bayonetta are Umbra witches, associated with things such as blood and darkness. Anyways, the song is incredible. The fight itself is crazy. They first fight on the top of a building. Then they end up fighting on the side of a skyscraper. Jeanne periodically fires missiles at Bayonneta at this point. With the right timing, the player can have Bayonetta and Jeanne get in a missile juggling fight. Then they leap onto a missile to fight. Then they jump onto a second missile. Finally, they end up on another roof top to fight.
Finally, when the fight is over. Jeanne and Bayonetta talk, and Bayonetta realizes that they used to be very close friends in the past. Everything that Jeanne had done was to protect Bayonetta, the 'treasure of the clan'. Finally, Bayonetta is forced to escape the building as a group of missiles converge, presumably killing Jeanne.
Bayonetta goes on to fight and defeat her father, the last Lumen sage. Even after his defeat, he comes back, stealing away Bayonetta and placing her in a large statue that is 'The Creator'. Bayonetta is unconscious, and unable to save herself from becoming part of the statue.
That's when Jeanne steps in. She hadn't died on the roof of the building, but instead used a magic to shield herself from the attack. That's when she takes off after the statue, which is being launched into space on a rocket, to save Bayonetta. The song 'Friend' plays during this part of the game:
Jeanne ultimate is able to rescue Bayonetta, who goes on to defeat the Creator and save the universe from being destroyed. The song 'Friend' reminds me of what friendship is about. It's about being there for my friends. It's about running to save them. It's about fighting by their sides. It's a very dramatic moment in the game, and I often forget that life isn't always dramatic. Sometimes friendship is something subtle, quiet, and gentle. It's not always going to be getting on a motorcycle and driving off into space to rescue a friend of mine who's been capture by a crazed person intent of destroying the universe. Although that would be pretty awesome.
Well, this wraps up my post. It's a series of songs about a strange friendship from a game. I do hope that some of my friendships do end up with me trying to kill my friend, only to remember later that we are friends. That would be pretty crazy.
Enjoy!
This series of music is about a friendship, a very strange one indeed. Early in the game of Bayonetta, she encounters a strange woman dressed in a red, stylish outfit. Shortly after meeting, they help each other fight off a group of angels before turning their guns on one another. A truck passes between them, and the woman mysteriously vanishes.
Later, as Bayonetta is exploring the city of Vigrid, the mysterious woman appears once again, this time on a motorcycle. After the woman dispatches the angels with her motorcycle, she parks it on a wall. She and Bayonetta have a talk, in which the woman explains some things to Bayonetta. This triggers a memory in Bayonetta, and the game is taken to a flashback to where she and this mysterious woman were battling in an arena.
The song is entitled 'Battle for the Umbra Throne'. It's the only song I know of that combines maracas, harpsichords, piano, various string instruments, and bagpipes. Yep, bagpipes. Enjoy:
You can see from the video why I didn't try to explain the 'red outfit'. It's kind of crazy.
There probably are a few instruments that I missed from the song. The battle itself is pretty crazy. The arena is basically a rectangular box. The mysterious woman and Bayonetta fight on the floor, the walls, and the ceiling using a special technique called 'Witch Walk'. It enables them to walk on walls and the ceiling whenever moon light is shining.
After the battle is complete, Bayonetta comes back to the present. The woman is gone, but Bayonetta now remembers her name. Jeanne.
Later, Bayonetta is traveling through an old training ground that was once used by the Umbra witches. At one point, she has to leap between several large chunks of rock in an attempt to escape the destruction being caused by an angel that can control the wind. She ends up in what appears to be a round arena of sorts. That's when Jeanne appears again. Jeanne taunts Bayonneta, and they briefly battle each other. This is the music that's playing as they fight:
After a brief fight, the rock they are fighting on shifts, and Bayonetta jumps back to the arena. Jeanne jumps after her, and they fight once more (this time with the player controlling Bayonetta). That's when the song 'Red & Black' begins to play:
Red & Black easily refers to Jeanne and Bayonetta's clothing. Jeanne wears red and Bayonetta wears black. The battle itself is pretty interesting. They fight in the arena. At one point, a large chunk of rock soars by, and they both jump on it to fight on that. After a few moments, that piece of rock collides with something, and they both jump back to the arena to fight.
Later, Bayonetta is on the plane Valkyrie searching for a little girl named Cereza when Jeanne appears once more. Taunting her again. Once more they spar, this time things getting far more intense. Both of them begin using different magical techniques to try to get the advantage over the other. Finally, the player takes control of Bayonetta and they fight on the back of the Valkyrie as it begins crashing into the ocean. Sadly, the game designers reused the song 'Red & Black' for this fight as well. Personally, I think it would have been awesome if they wrote a new song for this confrontation with Jeanne. I guess you can go back and listen to it again if you wish.
Finally, after hijacking a missile, Bayonetta arrives at Isla del Sol, her final destination. Once more, she is confronted by Jeanne. Jeanne begins to recite the prophecy about a child, whose very conception was forbidden. There was a prophecy that if a Lumen Sage and an Umbra Witch were to ever have a child, the child would send both of the clans into chaos. As she speaks, Jeanne uses a remote to fire off groups of missiles. Jeanne finally identifies Bayonetta as the child that sent both clans into chaos, one last group of missiles fires off, and their final battle begins. This music plays during the battle:
The name of the song is 'Blood & Darkness'. The name of the song could have a number of possible meanings. First, it could be a more extreme form of the song 'Red & Black'. It could also be a reference to the fact that both Jeanne and Bayonetta are Umbra witches, associated with things such as blood and darkness. Anyways, the song is incredible. The fight itself is crazy. They first fight on the top of a building. Then they end up fighting on the side of a skyscraper. Jeanne periodically fires missiles at Bayonneta at this point. With the right timing, the player can have Bayonetta and Jeanne get in a missile juggling fight. Then they leap onto a missile to fight. Then they jump onto a second missile. Finally, they end up on another roof top to fight.
Finally, when the fight is over. Jeanne and Bayonetta talk, and Bayonetta realizes that they used to be very close friends in the past. Everything that Jeanne had done was to protect Bayonetta, the 'treasure of the clan'. Finally, Bayonetta is forced to escape the building as a group of missiles converge, presumably killing Jeanne.
Bayonetta goes on to fight and defeat her father, the last Lumen sage. Even after his defeat, he comes back, stealing away Bayonetta and placing her in a large statue that is 'The Creator'. Bayonetta is unconscious, and unable to save herself from becoming part of the statue.
That's when Jeanne steps in. She hadn't died on the roof of the building, but instead used a magic to shield herself from the attack. That's when she takes off after the statue, which is being launched into space on a rocket, to save Bayonetta. The song 'Friend' plays during this part of the game:
Jeanne ultimate is able to rescue Bayonetta, who goes on to defeat the Creator and save the universe from being destroyed. The song 'Friend' reminds me of what friendship is about. It's about being there for my friends. It's about running to save them. It's about fighting by their sides. It's a very dramatic moment in the game, and I often forget that life isn't always dramatic. Sometimes friendship is something subtle, quiet, and gentle. It's not always going to be getting on a motorcycle and driving off into space to rescue a friend of mine who's been capture by a crazed person intent of destroying the universe. Although that would be pretty awesome.
Well, this wraps up my post. It's a series of songs about a strange friendship from a game. I do hope that some of my friendships do end up with me trying to kill my friend, only to remember later that we are friends. That would be pretty crazy.
Enjoy!
Blood & Darkness
I'm having a hard time coming up with a title for this post. I think it's mostly a random collection of thoughts that I've been having lately.
First, I'm very grateful for a number of things that are happening in my life. I feel like I'm facing and trying to root out some deep set lies I've told myself. I've also started to feel again the love that Heavenly Father has for me. Also, I've had some really good hugs lately. It seems it's been awhile since hugging has felt good for me.
On another hand, life has been a struggle. I've been facing loneliness. I've been struggling with sinning and giving in to temptation. Even thought I'm blessed with a degree of physical agility and balance, it feels like I'm very clumsy with relationships.
This morning, I was thinking about a number of different friendships that have changed 'for the worse' in my opinion. I also thought of a number of friendships that just didn't work out for me. I thought that I was the one responsible for all of it. The thought 'I ruin everything!' entered into my mind. That's when a second voice started. It said 'Sure, you may ruin things, but that's what the Atonement is for. It's to fix things'. Angrily I thought to myself 'That's no excuse!' That's when the voice replied 'It's not an excuse; it's a mercy'. I've been pondering on that idea for a long time. The fact that I can repent is a mercy granted to me. I may struggle with the same sins, the same mistakes over and over again. That's fine. I'm not perfect. Each time I repent doesn't have to be the ultimate final time to find mercy.
There's another thing I am grateful for. I have about 6 different CDs of music in my car, and I've set the CD player to random. Lately, it's been playing the Bayonetta CD far more than all of the other ones. I finally took the time last night to finalize my own personal mix of the songs I enjoyed the most. I put it in the car this morning. When the CD started playing, the first song it played was 'Blood & Darkness'. In the past when the song had played, I could only think of what was going on in that game when the song was playing. It was the final battle between Bayonetta and another witch named Jeanne. It always seemed to be about their struggle. Oddly, when the music was playing, it felt like it was more about my struggle in life. It feels like I'm there fighting against the Darkness of life. Where does the Blood come in? The Blood could easily represent the blood of the Lamb that was spilled for me. It can represent the power of the Atonement that fights on my side against the darkness. I am once again amazed at how gospel truths can show up nearly anywhere if I look hard enough for them.
Maybe I do make mistakes. Maybe I have broken some good friendships. Maybe I did push too far in a few relationships. The Atonement is there to heal me, to bind up my wounds, and give me the power to fight against the evil of the world. I'm not alone in this. None of us are alone in this.
I will be writing up a post about the song 'Blood & Darkness' as well as a few other from the Bayonetta soundtrack that I've liked. When it's written, it will be linked here.
First, I'm very grateful for a number of things that are happening in my life. I feel like I'm facing and trying to root out some deep set lies I've told myself. I've also started to feel again the love that Heavenly Father has for me. Also, I've had some really good hugs lately. It seems it's been awhile since hugging has felt good for me.
On another hand, life has been a struggle. I've been facing loneliness. I've been struggling with sinning and giving in to temptation. Even thought I'm blessed with a degree of physical agility and balance, it feels like I'm very clumsy with relationships.
This morning, I was thinking about a number of different friendships that have changed 'for the worse' in my opinion. I also thought of a number of friendships that just didn't work out for me. I thought that I was the one responsible for all of it. The thought 'I ruin everything!' entered into my mind. That's when a second voice started. It said 'Sure, you may ruin things, but that's what the Atonement is for. It's to fix things'. Angrily I thought to myself 'That's no excuse!' That's when the voice replied 'It's not an excuse; it's a mercy'. I've been pondering on that idea for a long time. The fact that I can repent is a mercy granted to me. I may struggle with the same sins, the same mistakes over and over again. That's fine. I'm not perfect. Each time I repent doesn't have to be the ultimate final time to find mercy.
There's another thing I am grateful for. I have about 6 different CDs of music in my car, and I've set the CD player to random. Lately, it's been playing the Bayonetta CD far more than all of the other ones. I finally took the time last night to finalize my own personal mix of the songs I enjoyed the most. I put it in the car this morning. When the CD started playing, the first song it played was 'Blood & Darkness'. In the past when the song had played, I could only think of what was going on in that game when the song was playing. It was the final battle between Bayonetta and another witch named Jeanne. It always seemed to be about their struggle. Oddly, when the music was playing, it felt like it was more about my struggle in life. It feels like I'm there fighting against the Darkness of life. Where does the Blood come in? The Blood could easily represent the blood of the Lamb that was spilled for me. It can represent the power of the Atonement that fights on my side against the darkness. I am once again amazed at how gospel truths can show up nearly anywhere if I look hard enough for them.
Maybe I do make mistakes. Maybe I have broken some good friendships. Maybe I did push too far in a few relationships. The Atonement is there to heal me, to bind up my wounds, and give me the power to fight against the evil of the world. I'm not alone in this. None of us are alone in this.
I will be writing up a post about the song 'Blood & Darkness' as well as a few other from the Bayonetta soundtrack that I've liked. When it's written, it will be linked here.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Toxic Shame, Deep-set Lies
This will be a difficult post to write for me. Not difficult because I'm afraid to share it. Difficult because of the pain I know that it's going to touch on. Once more, into the breach.
In my support group this week, I did something where I looked into events where I had felt shamed. Sometime soon, I'll have to start up a series of posts called 'From the Memory Vault' where I share things from my past that I'm able to remember. I actually have a draft for one, but I'm too afraid to share it. I'm frankly worried about how I could explain it without the event becoming too pornographic. Here's a list of some of the shameful memories that I was able to remember this week:
I delved a bit deeper into that first memory I shared. At one point, I came to the realization that my teacher didn't care about me. No one seemed to care about me growing up. I was just another warm body. I was an object in the room. And deep down, all I wanted as a kid was to feel special, loved, noticed, cared for, delighted in.
I also got some good insight into one of my 'flavors' of attraction. I generally feel attracted to men bigger than me, to men that I judge are stronger than me. I also feel afraid around them, intimidated by them. It's an interesting internal conflict. I think it goes back to feeling shamed by various adults in my life. I wanted to feel loved by them, and instead I felt shamed by them. To this day, I find myself seeking that love and approval from the 'big men', from the 'adults'. I still want and crave that acceptance, affection, affirmation, ...love from them. That flavor of attraction is one of the hardest to 'shake off'. It's one of the hardest to resolve for me, probably because it's very deeply set.
Last night, I went to hang out with some friends. As soon as I showed up, they said 'hi', but then went back to talking with each other. I felt that same story come up. 'They don't care. They've never cared. You're just another person to them'. I tried to compensate by smiling and making jokes. On the way home, I felt lonely. As I was driving, I was looking at the world around me, admiring Heavenly Father's handiwork. A thought came to me: yes, this is a manifestation of His love. But, it's a manifestation of His love to everyone. It's a blanket statement. It's sent out generally to everyone. I do acknowledge there have been a few times when I have seen tender mercies in my life, when I have felt that I was specifically cared for. Somehow...I'm just not feeling it right now.
This morning, it finally hit me. The same idea 'You don't care' shows up in my relationship with my Heavenly Father. When I pray, I tell myself that I'm just another warm body to Him. No wonder the heaven's have felt so closed. No wonder I feel like I've slipped through the cracks and have fallen of His radar. I keep telling myself the same lie.
The same lie that has been lodged deep in my psyche.
I've even tried telling myself positive stories. Sure, they help for awhile, but the same old lie creeps up and slowly strangles my attempts at changing how I think. The poison is set deep.
Now I sit here, feeling empty, with the beginnings of tears in my eyes. I don't even know if I can see the depth of this wound that was dealt to me. I feel angry that I've continued to tell myself the same lie. I'm angry that I made the choice to feel ashamed and to detach while I was young. I feel like I've screwed up my life by making the choices I did. "It's all my fault". I chose to react the way I did. I chose to detach. It's my choice, I have to live with the consequences.
Perhaps I'm not heeding the saying that I came up with while talking with a friend a few weeks ago. The saying is 'You're supposed to carry your cross, not nail yourself to it!' I need to find a way to carry the burden this lie has created without it paralyzing me. And ultimately, I need to find out how to heal it and how to surrender it. There is a way. I believe that there is healing through Christ's Atonement. There is strength there, and there is grace. There is forgiveness and love. My heart feels too afraid to trust. It's been hurt so many times before. I keep hurting it by feeding it the same lie, and yet I keep sheltering it from any outside attempt to heal it.
Sounds like madness to me.
In my support group this week, I did something where I looked into events where I had felt shamed. Sometime soon, I'll have to start up a series of posts called 'From the Memory Vault' where I share things from my past that I'm able to remember. I actually have a draft for one, but I'm too afraid to share it. I'm frankly worried about how I could explain it without the event becoming too pornographic. Here's a list of some of the shameful memories that I was able to remember this week:
- In kindergarten, I colored a hand purple. The teacher had me re-color it because it was the 'wrong color'.
- In kindergarten, my teacher found my lunch, raised it up, asked who's it was. I raised my hand and she didn't see me, and it caused trouble later.
- I was forced to recount in front of the whole primary a time when I didn't come when my mother called
- At 8, I was told 'He shouldn't have gone in there!' by a man at the front desk of a military locker room, after I had gone in with my dad
- My dad telling me, at 8-9 years old, "If you were older, you would have needed to talk to a bishop"
- Various events with yelling and throwing of toys
- Me getting caught playing the Legend of Zelda early in the morning...Sunday morning
- Me getting in trouble for spitting on a girl
- I don't belong here
- I'm not valued
- I don't belong with men
- I don't matter
- I do everything wrong
- I'm always in trouble
- You don't care.
I delved a bit deeper into that first memory I shared. At one point, I came to the realization that my teacher didn't care about me. No one seemed to care about me growing up. I was just another warm body. I was an object in the room. And deep down, all I wanted as a kid was to feel special, loved, noticed, cared for, delighted in.
I also got some good insight into one of my 'flavors' of attraction. I generally feel attracted to men bigger than me, to men that I judge are stronger than me. I also feel afraid around them, intimidated by them. It's an interesting internal conflict. I think it goes back to feeling shamed by various adults in my life. I wanted to feel loved by them, and instead I felt shamed by them. To this day, I find myself seeking that love and approval from the 'big men', from the 'adults'. I still want and crave that acceptance, affection, affirmation, ...love from them. That flavor of attraction is one of the hardest to 'shake off'. It's one of the hardest to resolve for me, probably because it's very deeply set.
Last night, I went to hang out with some friends. As soon as I showed up, they said 'hi', but then went back to talking with each other. I felt that same story come up. 'They don't care. They've never cared. You're just another person to them'. I tried to compensate by smiling and making jokes. On the way home, I felt lonely. As I was driving, I was looking at the world around me, admiring Heavenly Father's handiwork. A thought came to me: yes, this is a manifestation of His love. But, it's a manifestation of His love to everyone. It's a blanket statement. It's sent out generally to everyone. I do acknowledge there have been a few times when I have seen tender mercies in my life, when I have felt that I was specifically cared for. Somehow...I'm just not feeling it right now.
This morning, it finally hit me. The same idea 'You don't care' shows up in my relationship with my Heavenly Father. When I pray, I tell myself that I'm just another warm body to Him. No wonder the heaven's have felt so closed. No wonder I feel like I've slipped through the cracks and have fallen of His radar. I keep telling myself the same lie.
The same lie that has been lodged deep in my psyche.
I've even tried telling myself positive stories. Sure, they help for awhile, but the same old lie creeps up and slowly strangles my attempts at changing how I think. The poison is set deep.
Now I sit here, feeling empty, with the beginnings of tears in my eyes. I don't even know if I can see the depth of this wound that was dealt to me. I feel angry that I've continued to tell myself the same lie. I'm angry that I made the choice to feel ashamed and to detach while I was young. I feel like I've screwed up my life by making the choices I did. "It's all my fault". I chose to react the way I did. I chose to detach. It's my choice, I have to live with the consequences.
Perhaps I'm not heeding the saying that I came up with while talking with a friend a few weeks ago. The saying is 'You're supposed to carry your cross, not nail yourself to it!' I need to find a way to carry the burden this lie has created without it paralyzing me. And ultimately, I need to find out how to heal it and how to surrender it. There is a way. I believe that there is healing through Christ's Atonement. There is strength there, and there is grace. There is forgiveness and love. My heart feels too afraid to trust. It's been hurt so many times before. I keep hurting it by feeding it the same lie, and yet I keep sheltering it from any outside attempt to heal it.
Sounds like madness to me.
Friday, December 16, 2011
The Flavors of Attraction
This is a very scary post for me to put out there. Scary indeed.
In this post, I plan on speaking a bit into the kind of people I'm attracted to. I'm going to put it out there in a very generic sense, as well as possibly some explanations into why I think I may have these kinds of attractions. The idea for this blog posts came at the last family function that I attended. My sister told her husband that I had same gender attraction. When I asked her about it at the function, she jokingly said "Just don't hit on him." She laughed and then said something afterward to the effect of "Oh, you're probably not because he's not super mega cute". It made me think, there's a whole lot that I could be attracted to a person than how they look. A whole lot more.
I have some insight into what makes me feel attracted, or repulsed, by different men around me. I don't have it down to an exact science, because I always seem to find exceptions to the rule. I'm probably more complicated than I'm letting myself be.
I think I can boil it down to three different 'flavors' of attraction: attraction to a 'father' figure, attraction to the masculine, and the 'eye candy' attraction.
The father figure attraction can be hard to separate from the masculine flavor of attraction for me. The father figure attraction drives around looking for someone to protect me. It involves looking for a guardian of sorts. A big part of the drive involves having this man, who is strong and powerful, protect and love me. It often manifests in urges to be held or embraced by the man. It often makes me feel like a little child when I'm around men like this. Typically men who are big, big as in physically imposing, tall or with broad shoulders. It usually doesn't have very much to do with the man's personality, although if a man is brash or loud, it tends to destroy any feelings of 'father figure' attraction I may have for them. This flavor of attraction is very frustrating to deal with, because it isn't easily seen or resolved. I'm typically in 'little boy' space when I'm around men like this, so I'm not actively trying to figure out what's going on. I'm more focused on how to 'win' the protection and affection of these men.
The attraction to the masculine is a much broader category. The drive is to connect and have friendship with a man. In more extreme or frustrated cases, it can have sexual flavors to it. Typically men with deep voices, body hair, muscles, who exude confidence, or leadership abilities can trigger this sort of attraction in me. It can present an odd dual response in me. I will feel attracted, yet I can also feel a sense of enmity toward the man. All in all, the attraction is much worse if I'm not in touch with my inner masculine.
The last flavor, the 'eye candy' flavor is an attraction toward men who are good looking or who are extremely lean and muscular. This sort of attraction, for me, probably arose due to exposure to pornography, although in it's purest form, it is an admiration for the natural beauty that exists in the people all around me. The problem is that it's been sexualized.
Each of these 'flavors' is separate, but often times they can get combined. I remember with my last exposure to pornography, I ran into a man that exemplified all three flavors of masculinity for me. I found the draw to that man almost irresistible. Sometimes each flavor has a different strength, so it is difficult to pick apart the different aspects to the attraction and address them. Generally, most attractions for me diminish if I can talk with and demystify the man. The father attraction requires a different sort of work. It requires me to clearly see that I'm putting a 'father' energy onto a man. It also requires me to withdraw that energy. Part of me finds that very difficult, because I still long and yearn for that connection with a father figure.
There, that wasn't so scary for me actually. This is the last post I plan on making today. Time to enjoy the weekend. As usual, feel free to comment or to e-mail me.
In this post, I plan on speaking a bit into the kind of people I'm attracted to. I'm going to put it out there in a very generic sense, as well as possibly some explanations into why I think I may have these kinds of attractions. The idea for this blog posts came at the last family function that I attended. My sister told her husband that I had same gender attraction. When I asked her about it at the function, she jokingly said "Just don't hit on him." She laughed and then said something afterward to the effect of "Oh, you're probably not because he's not super mega cute". It made me think, there's a whole lot that I could be attracted to a person than how they look. A whole lot more.
I have some insight into what makes me feel attracted, or repulsed, by different men around me. I don't have it down to an exact science, because I always seem to find exceptions to the rule. I'm probably more complicated than I'm letting myself be.
I think I can boil it down to three different 'flavors' of attraction: attraction to a 'father' figure, attraction to the masculine, and the 'eye candy' attraction.
The father figure attraction can be hard to separate from the masculine flavor of attraction for me. The father figure attraction drives around looking for someone to protect me. It involves looking for a guardian of sorts. A big part of the drive involves having this man, who is strong and powerful, protect and love me. It often manifests in urges to be held or embraced by the man. It often makes me feel like a little child when I'm around men like this. Typically men who are big, big as in physically imposing, tall or with broad shoulders. It usually doesn't have very much to do with the man's personality, although if a man is brash or loud, it tends to destroy any feelings of 'father figure' attraction I may have for them. This flavor of attraction is very frustrating to deal with, because it isn't easily seen or resolved. I'm typically in 'little boy' space when I'm around men like this, so I'm not actively trying to figure out what's going on. I'm more focused on how to 'win' the protection and affection of these men.
The attraction to the masculine is a much broader category. The drive is to connect and have friendship with a man. In more extreme or frustrated cases, it can have sexual flavors to it. Typically men with deep voices, body hair, muscles, who exude confidence, or leadership abilities can trigger this sort of attraction in me. It can present an odd dual response in me. I will feel attracted, yet I can also feel a sense of enmity toward the man. All in all, the attraction is much worse if I'm not in touch with my inner masculine.
The last flavor, the 'eye candy' flavor is an attraction toward men who are good looking or who are extremely lean and muscular. This sort of attraction, for me, probably arose due to exposure to pornography, although in it's purest form, it is an admiration for the natural beauty that exists in the people all around me. The problem is that it's been sexualized.
Each of these 'flavors' is separate, but often times they can get combined. I remember with my last exposure to pornography, I ran into a man that exemplified all three flavors of masculinity for me. I found the draw to that man almost irresistible. Sometimes each flavor has a different strength, so it is difficult to pick apart the different aspects to the attraction and address them. Generally, most attractions for me diminish if I can talk with and demystify the man. The father attraction requires a different sort of work. It requires me to clearly see that I'm putting a 'father' energy onto a man. It also requires me to withdraw that energy. Part of me finds that very difficult, because I still long and yearn for that connection with a father figure.
There, that wasn't so scary for me actually. This is the last post I plan on making today. Time to enjoy the weekend. As usual, feel free to comment or to e-mail me.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Friendship - Thou Art A Strange Beast
Recently, I know I've made posts about friendship. Today, I want to share some of the thoughts I've been having about friendship or perhaps more in general, relationships.
First off, each person is a paradox. A person can be simple. A person can be complex. Sometimes the reason behind how people think, feel, and act is complicated. Sometimes it's very simple.
Relationships can be simple or they can be complex. Friendship can be much the same way. I've found that relationships are simple if both people are expecting or wanting the same thing from it. Friendship is much the same way. I find that things get horribly complicated if each person in a relationship is expecting something different, or are expecting the same thing, in different amounts. If one person starts to expect more than the other person is willing to give, then it can get complicated. If one person starts to give more than the other person is willing to receive, it also gets quite complicated.
Personally, I've been on both ends. I've been on the end where I feel like I'm giving more and more to the person, and receiving very little in return. I've been in those friendships where I reach out continually to try to connect with the other person, but I never see the other person reach back. Sure, when I initiate contact, most people respond and continue that contact. I've also seen the opposite happen. There are people I know who give and give to me, who share there life stories, advice, thoughts, and opinions, and for whatever reason, I don't wish to receive those.
That's the point where things get complicated.
When I see situations where I'm giving too much, I find it difficult, albeit not hard to 'withdraw' from the person. When I realize I'm over committing, it is easy for me to not commit as much. By committing less, I may give that person less attention. I may reach out to them less than I have in the past. I may not try to give them as much touch/affection as I have in the past. It may mean something even more difficult. It may mean reclaiming the 'heartspace' I've given to that person. 'Heartspace' is a pretty complicated term for me. In some ways, it's a measure of my internal commitment toward a person.
I find the harder situations to deal with are when people seem to be 'overcommiting' to try to have a relationship with me. If the person initiates contact, and I don't feel like initiating back. I find myself worried about 'hurting their feelings'. I feel like I'm being cruel if I don't respond to the person. I feel like I'm lying by continuing to interact with the person.
Honestly, I realize that everyone has needs in varying levels and amounts. Perhaps for with some friends, I meet their needs by interacting with them, even if I don't get my needs met in the same way with that relationship. Perhaps other people help meet my needs when they interact with them, yet I don't help feel their needs. Lopsided relationships? Yes. Bad? I'm not sure. Unhealthy? Only if the person on the giving end is putting themselves into a bad place by helping out.
Friendship, for me, is about mutual trust. It's about both people in the relationship wanting and giving on a similar level. There's also the idea of liking each other, of enjoying each others company. There's a drive to continue and maintain the relationship on both sides. There's also a sense of safety, love, and affirmation. Each friendship is different. Each one is on various levels and each one can change over time.
A few more thoughts I've had. I've been reading 'In Quiet Desperation'. In part of the book, Ty Mansfield talks about speaks about the condemnation of homosexuality found in Romans 1. He then spoke that Paul was trying to teach a very important principle. He was trying to warn against the dangers of idolatry. He was stating that by misusing the procreative powers that Heavenly Father has given me, I was starting to worship that power. As Ty Mansfield put it, some people make their sexuality their idol. It then struck me that I had many other idols. The current idol I've been worship is friendship. I've been trying to put the idea of having friendship up and over God. I realize that friendship is something important in my life. Is it really something that should be worshiped? Is it more important than God, the giver of the gift of friendship? Heavens no. Heavenly Father alone should be my object of highest and must worthy worship.
One last thought. I saw a funny twitter hashtag today. It goes something like #SomeoneLetMeKnowWhen. I contemplated a few that I could say, in light of my recent posts and this post. #SomeoneLetMeKnowWhen men will not be afraid of showing pure, non sexual affection toward one another in public. #SomeoneLetMeKnowWhen it is safe to express feelings openly with one another, even if those feelings say 'I don't want to be your friend'.
Just some thoughts and musings I've had. I'd love to hear your thoughts! Please comment, or send me an e-mail.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
White Knuckling It 6Dec2011
It's been about 4 months or so since I last had a problem looking at pornography. By pornography, I mean something that nearly any (sane) person would call pornographic. I haven't had a problem with masturbation for over two weeks.
I've been tempted many times to give in to both evils. Sometimes I started to entertain the ideas. I've found myself looking at pictures that aren't healthy for me in this state. Just last weekend, I started watching some videos that weren't good for me either. I was flirting with the line. I was putting myself into fire. Thankfully, a friend messaged me on Facebook. I felt a sense of guilt and shame at having been watching something like that. I closed the browser tab and talked with him a bit.
This morning, the temptation came again to give in. I paused for a moment, made sure I was looking at what was going on around me, and tried to tap into what I was feeling. Sadness, depression and a feeling of warmth inside. Heavenly Father does know what's going on with me. He knows what my needs are. When I'm not taking care of my needs or letting Heavenly Father take care of what needs I can't take care of on my own, I'm far more vulnerable to being tempted to 'take care' of my needs with something counterfeit. In fact, many times when I've been tempted I've thought "Yeah, that will feel good for a moment, but I'll be even worse afterward".
One need that I've been struggling to meet is getting adequate sleep. I feel tired at night until the moment my head hits the pillow. I then get a feeling of longing. I want someone to snuggle up to. I want to be held by someone until I fall asleep. I find my mind going into fantasy and the temptation to masturbate grows. For instance, last night I had to open my eyes many times to get a good dose of reality. I had to remind myself that I was along in the room. I had to tap back into my feelings of exhaustion. After some struggle, I was able to fall asleep. Lack of sleep really doesn't help with my overall mood.
Another contributing factor is the fact of physical pain. I've been having some strange and particularly annoying headaches lately, accompanied by pain in my shoulders and neck. I went and got a massage last Saturday, but that didn't seem to help much. The whole area either feels tight, or burns. The feelings of pain come and go. I'm sure this may be from stress related to my job and trying to figure out life problems.
Another need I feel is lacking is the need to connect with other men. This need seems to be plastered all over my thoughts and actions. My primary way of feeling connected to another person is through touch. I have all sorts of fear, beliefs, and stories around touch that make things difficult. Sometimes I feel like I'm having to 'sneak in' getting touch. Sometimes it feels like it's something that can only be done in 'secret'. On particularly difficult days, I find myself believing that wanting to be touched or wanting to touch another man in any way is 'bad'.
On a related note, yesterday I had to carpool with some men from my work. Three of us had to squeeze into the back seat. Both of the other men were bigger than, one by quite a bit. Needless to say, it was a bit uncomfortable. The man on my left finally put his arm around the seat behind me. The man on the right kept moving himself away as far as possible to 'give me space'. Honestly, I would have been totally happy with him putting his arm around me. I really wanted him to. Yet, how could I ask something like that? I honestly was afraid of what the man would think of me? Was it 'bad' that I wanted this guys arm around me? Was it bad that I liked how it did feel to sit right next to him and the other man?
I feel like I'm getting desperate to figure out how to handle this need. On the way out of a clothing store, I had a strange urge to walk up to one of the male mannequins and starting rubbing its chest. I thought it was a little amusing at the time. Now it feels shameful and disgusting. It's a similar urge that I get toward other men.
I feel like I'm trying to white knuckle my way through this. There must be a way to get that need for touch met, without it becoming something sexual or romantic. There must be a way to give and receive affection with another man without violating any sort of gospel principles. I'm just having a hard time seeing it right now. I pray that God will help me find the answers soon. I pray I'll find the answers.
I've been tempted many times to give in to both evils. Sometimes I started to entertain the ideas. I've found myself looking at pictures that aren't healthy for me in this state. Just last weekend, I started watching some videos that weren't good for me either. I was flirting with the line. I was putting myself into fire. Thankfully, a friend messaged me on Facebook. I felt a sense of guilt and shame at having been watching something like that. I closed the browser tab and talked with him a bit.
This morning, the temptation came again to give in. I paused for a moment, made sure I was looking at what was going on around me, and tried to tap into what I was feeling. Sadness, depression and a feeling of warmth inside. Heavenly Father does know what's going on with me. He knows what my needs are. When I'm not taking care of my needs or letting Heavenly Father take care of what needs I can't take care of on my own, I'm far more vulnerable to being tempted to 'take care' of my needs with something counterfeit. In fact, many times when I've been tempted I've thought "Yeah, that will feel good for a moment, but I'll be even worse afterward".
One need that I've been struggling to meet is getting adequate sleep. I feel tired at night until the moment my head hits the pillow. I then get a feeling of longing. I want someone to snuggle up to. I want to be held by someone until I fall asleep. I find my mind going into fantasy and the temptation to masturbate grows. For instance, last night I had to open my eyes many times to get a good dose of reality. I had to remind myself that I was along in the room. I had to tap back into my feelings of exhaustion. After some struggle, I was able to fall asleep. Lack of sleep really doesn't help with my overall mood.
Another contributing factor is the fact of physical pain. I've been having some strange and particularly annoying headaches lately, accompanied by pain in my shoulders and neck. I went and got a massage last Saturday, but that didn't seem to help much. The whole area either feels tight, or burns. The feelings of pain come and go. I'm sure this may be from stress related to my job and trying to figure out life problems.
Another need I feel is lacking is the need to connect with other men. This need seems to be plastered all over my thoughts and actions. My primary way of feeling connected to another person is through touch. I have all sorts of fear, beliefs, and stories around touch that make things difficult. Sometimes I feel like I'm having to 'sneak in' getting touch. Sometimes it feels like it's something that can only be done in 'secret'. On particularly difficult days, I find myself believing that wanting to be touched or wanting to touch another man in any way is 'bad'.
On a related note, yesterday I had to carpool with some men from my work. Three of us had to squeeze into the back seat. Both of the other men were bigger than, one by quite a bit. Needless to say, it was a bit uncomfortable. The man on my left finally put his arm around the seat behind me. The man on the right kept moving himself away as far as possible to 'give me space'. Honestly, I would have been totally happy with him putting his arm around me. I really wanted him to. Yet, how could I ask something like that? I honestly was afraid of what the man would think of me? Was it 'bad' that I wanted this guys arm around me? Was it bad that I liked how it did feel to sit right next to him and the other man?
I feel like I'm getting desperate to figure out how to handle this need. On the way out of a clothing store, I had a strange urge to walk up to one of the male mannequins and starting rubbing its chest. I thought it was a little amusing at the time. Now it feels shameful and disgusting. It's a similar urge that I get toward other men.
I feel like I'm trying to white knuckle my way through this. There must be a way to get that need for touch met, without it becoming something sexual or romantic. There must be a way to give and receive affection with another man without violating any sort of gospel principles. I'm just having a hard time seeing it right now. I pray that God will help me find the answers soon. I pray I'll find the answers.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Bouncing Around In My Head 30Nov2011
I'm feeling a lot better. It's amazing how much of a different two days will make for how I feel about things. Some devoted scripture study, talking with some friends, spending some quality guy time has really helped. It feels like prayers have been answered and the spirit is back in my life. I'm very grateful for that. I feel like I'm finally feeling again. I've been feeling more peace lately.
As an enjoyable by product, I've been having some scriptures run through my head. I heard them during our Elder's Quorum lesson. One of them is Mosiah 4:30. Another is Mosiah 3:19. Yet another is James 1:5. James 1:5 is a recent addition. I've been pondering over the last few days on what it means to 'put off' the natural man. I'm realizing more than ever that I need to submit myself to the workings of the spirit. According to Mosiah 4:30, and the recommendation of my bishop, I've been trying to watch my thoughts. The criteria that I've been trying to apply is "Does this thought bring me closer or further away from Heavenly Father?". I have been feeling a greater outpouring of the spirit.
James 1:5 is a newer addition to my set of scriptures bouncing around in my head. I had a friend ask me last night "What are you doing with your attractions?" I realized that I hadn't come to any kind of definitive sort of answer. After talking with a second friend, I realize I haven't quite accepted the fact that having same gender attraction could be a trial or a cross. I realize I've been trying for so long to make it 'go away'. Something I want to focus on is learning to accept the fact that I have these feelings. I also want to stop asking the 'Why?' question so much. I want to know more of the 'How does the Lord want me to deal with this?' That's where James 1:5 comes in. The church has some very clear teachings on when the power of procreation is meant to be used and the Law of Chastity. I've found that some things lead me into a gray area.
The big question that I had been struggling over is "Is it appropriate for me to date other men? Is it appropriate for me to pursue a non-sexual romantic relationship with a man?" After some thought and prayer, I feel like it isn't appropriate for me to entertain or pursue romance with another man. My thoughts told me that a romantic relationship with a man would only lead me to either pain or the desire to become sexually involved with the other man. I've decided to follow the promptings I've received and not 'date' other men.
Of course, 'bromance' and spending time with friends is something else entirely. I'm still going to do that!
As an enjoyable by product, I've been having some scriptures run through my head. I heard them during our Elder's Quorum lesson. One of them is Mosiah 4:30. Another is Mosiah 3:19. Yet another is James 1:5. James 1:5 is a recent addition. I've been pondering over the last few days on what it means to 'put off' the natural man. I'm realizing more than ever that I need to submit myself to the workings of the spirit. According to Mosiah 4:30, and the recommendation of my bishop, I've been trying to watch my thoughts. The criteria that I've been trying to apply is "Does this thought bring me closer or further away from Heavenly Father?". I have been feeling a greater outpouring of the spirit.
James 1:5 is a newer addition to my set of scriptures bouncing around in my head. I had a friend ask me last night "What are you doing with your attractions?" I realized that I hadn't come to any kind of definitive sort of answer. After talking with a second friend, I realize I haven't quite accepted the fact that having same gender attraction could be a trial or a cross. I realize I've been trying for so long to make it 'go away'. Something I want to focus on is learning to accept the fact that I have these feelings. I also want to stop asking the 'Why?' question so much. I want to know more of the 'How does the Lord want me to deal with this?' That's where James 1:5 comes in. The church has some very clear teachings on when the power of procreation is meant to be used and the Law of Chastity. I've found that some things lead me into a gray area.
The big question that I had been struggling over is "Is it appropriate for me to date other men? Is it appropriate for me to pursue a non-sexual romantic relationship with a man?" After some thought and prayer, I feel like it isn't appropriate for me to entertain or pursue romance with another man. My thoughts told me that a romantic relationship with a man would only lead me to either pain or the desire to become sexually involved with the other man. I've decided to follow the promptings I've received and not 'date' other men.
Of course, 'bromance' and spending time with friends is something else entirely. I'm still going to do that!
Monday, November 21, 2011
Trying To Fit Square Pegs Into Round Holes 21Nov2011
I'm writing this post with much trepidation and fear. As usual, it's going to be something very personal.
I can remember some of the feelings behind the most recent incident. I had been feeling empty, lonely. I felt myself craving some kind of connection with another man. I struck me as ironic at the time.
At church that day, a man had actually initiated contact with me. I was walking in the hallway when the man started to poke me from behind. I turned to see who it was. It was a man that I had asked to give the prayer soon after I moved in (part of my calling). We had kind of talked a few times. I am attracted to this man. Finally, we ended up shaking hands, and exchanging a few more friendly pokes. Before priesthood started, I ended up sitting near him and we talked a little bit more. We sat with a seat between us, and he had his arm on the back of that seat. I could see that his hand was less than six inches from my shoulder. I wanted, desired, craved to be sitting next to him. I wanted his arm to be around my shoulders. Basically, I wanted to feel loved by him. I wanted a connection to him, although I didn't quite realize it at the time. I was too busy thinking he would be weirded out if I sat in the seat right next to him. I walked away feeling like I wanted more connection, like I wanted to hug the guy.
The rest of the evening was pleasant. There were some fun and challenging games of Magic: The Gathering with a friend. There was snuggle time with the two kids from the family I live with. I even finished playing Dungeon Siege III. When I finished the game, it was a little after 10. I noticed that I felt lonely, empty inside. The game was beautiful. The story was moving. The end of the game showed me a series of scenes of all the people I had helped during the game. I felt moved.
I was still stuck with that feeling of loneliness and emptiness. Various fantasies rushed through my head, but I pushed them away, trying to stay connected with the feelings of loneliness. Eventually, I succumbed to the temptation to masturbate. It happened again the following morning.
That morning, I had a flood of ideas come to my mind in relation to what had happened. I remembered a scene from the movie Apollo 13 where the scientists had to come up with a way to fit a square peg into a round hole...or something like that. I realized that I was trying to fill a round hole, loneliness, with a square peg, masturbation. And it wasn't working. It isn't working. I've often thought that addiction comes from trying to fill up a hole with something that can't fill that hole. Another idea that came to mind is from my therapist. He told me that if I slip up, I don't fall 'all the way back to square one'. I'm trying on the new idea that when I slip up and make mistakes to tell myself 'Hey, maybe I wasn't as far along as I thought I was, but I'm not back at the beginning'. It's an idea that gives me hope. An even more profound idea that I'm trying is 'I am human. I can make mistakes. That's OK. I'm hear to learn. Life is a process. God is going to love me through this process'. It's funny how the idea of 'I'm going to love myself, even when I make mistakes' can help translate to my relationships with others. Even if other people 'make mistakes' in my eyes, I can still love them. After all, that's what Christ would do.
As for the loneliness, even with the new ideas of loving myself, I still have that round hole. I just need to go find a round peg to fill it with. I just don't have any idea what the peg is supposed to look like.
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