Feeling Off 5Feb2012

Yesterday, I received an interesting e-mail from Innergold Weekly Boost.  At the begging of the e-mail was this quote:

"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life.  But there was always some obstacle in the way.  Something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid.  Then life would begin.  At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."  -Fr. Alfred D'Souza

I read the e-mail before church and I was thinking about it as I sat in Sacrament meeting.  For the last few mornings, I've been waking up feeling tired and with a nasty headache.  This morning seems to be a repeat of the same trend.  Perhaps part of my exhaustion is related to some odd dreams that I've had lately.  Both of these occurred on Saturday night.

In one dream, I friend of mine that I know for a few years was saying critical things of me, over and over and over.  I got tired of it, so I slammed a door shut on him.  That same friend had posted something I thought was really annoying that previous Friday.  I hid the post and then lowered my subscription level on that friend so that I wouldn't see as many of his updates.  Another friend posted something about him hanging out with his 'BFF'.  I hid that post because it was simply to triggering for me.

In another dream from Saturday night, a girl had caught a hold of my finger, and would not let get despite my protests.  Yesterday in Sacrament meeting, the little girl that I live with always caught a hold of my finger and was using it to point at the words as she read.  It was funny for awhile, but after a moment, I was done with it and tried to pull my finger away.  It took some effort and brief protest on my part.  A similar pattern was repeated in Sacrament and then after church with her as well.

I honestly feel a bit disturbed when my dreams seem to have basis in real life.  I do hope some other parts of dreams I've had lately are not going to come true, although most of them seem to be based in things that have been on my mind.  Body shame and desire to see what other men look like has been on my mind a lot.  Probably explains why shirtless men have been showing up repeatedly in my dreams.

What I don't understand is the repeated feeling of headache, tiredness, and upset stomach.  They all seem to be signs of stress.  I have been thinking a lot lately.  Work has been stressful in very odd ways.  Some of it is a different work environment.  I used to work on an LDS Church site and that is very different from the current place that I work.  I also don't feel like I have very many friends at the current work site, or at least people I feel comfortable talking to besides my account manager, who is a very busy man.  The co-worker that sits next to me bothers me in a few different ways.  I find many of the other men I work with attractive but also distant.

There's also the stress about trying to figure out how to get my needs met healthily, live a life in the gospel, and still manage my feelings of attraction.  I've been feeling quite a bit of frustration in that department. In the past when I've gotten healthy touch from guys, my feelings of attraction have literally vanished.  Even though I received quite a bit this last weekend, the feelings are still present, and still bothering me.  I also worry that this drive to receive healthy touch is leading me on the road to acting out.  I find myself thinking that the touch I got wasn't 'enough'.  I worry that will lead me closer and closer to doing something that I will regret later.

Back to the thought that started this post.  I sat in sacrament meeting, with my headache and upset stomach, and realized that pain is one of those obstacles I've been allowing to impede me from feeling like I was living life and being happy.  That's when a quote from Princess Bride entered into my head "Life is pain, princess". That simple reminder reminds me that life is mean to be a trial.  I can't count the number of times I prayed for pain, both emotional and physical, to be taken away, and that prayer has not been answered.  I've found myself praying for the strength to bear the pain, rather than for it to go away.  After that, church was very good.  I felt a sense of belonging there that I haven't felt before.  It started to feel like some of the members cared for me.

Even with the realization, I feel off today.  Yesterday, I found it hard to remember something as simple as my address.  I felt slower than normal.  Today, the same headache and upset stomach has been joined by gum pain.  Sometimes I honestly worry that my body is falling apart, and I don't know quite what to do about that.  I figure it may just be a phase, me getting sick, or simply part of the trail of life.  It could also be some lingering shock from having my car towed.

I realize this post today was pretty random.  When I don't feel well, I struggle to organize things coherently.  A lot of it was things that have been on my mind and worrying me lately.

Bouncing Around In My Head 30Jan2012

Today is another installment of 'Bouncing Around in My Head'.  I'll be exploring a number of thoughts/ponderings that I've been having lately.

Since the coming out post, I actively told a number of friends of mine from my old Sigma Gamma Chi chapter about the fact that I had same gender attraction. (I say old because the fraternity was disbanded last year.) Most of the guys felt honored that I told them.  Some of them were confused.  Some of them already knew about me.  I honestly was confused with the ones that already knew about me.  I wonder why they hadn't ever brought it up with me, or tried to talk with me about it.  It almost makes me feel like they'd been watching me for years, observing this behavior in me.  Honestly, I say that and realize that I'm the one that's been watching my behavior very closely and always trying to decide my motives behind doing things.  For the most part, it's not always fair to myself.  Often times, my motives start out innocent.  As I over-think things, I twist my own motives into things more insidious.

On a happy note, I've been asking for safe places to get my touch needs met.  It's been very helpful and scary. It's interesting that I'm so unfamiliar with asking for something like that that I'm terrified of asking, and also scared when it happens.  On the other hand, not taking care of this need of mine was slowly killing me, and led me to do something desperate.  Thankfully, nothing too terrible happened there.  Since then, I've been fulfilling my needs in a better, safer, healthier way.  I'm trying to accept the fact that I need to regularly get this need met.  I have a need for closeness with other men.  In my eyes, it's a very natural, nonsexual sort of thing.  It's when I don't get it met that it morphs into something else.  Today, I still feel a drive to seek out touch, but I don't feel nearly as desperate or like I'm white knuckling through things as much.

Last Friday, I was exchanging some texts with an acquaintance of mine.  He also experiences same gender attraction and has decided to have a boyfriend.  Whenever we text, he nearly always says that he's doing 'great'.  In our last exchange, he told (as he has before) that I was 'born this way' and that I should 'just get a man to sleep with'.  Honestly, his comments infuriated me.  I highly disagree with the idea that I was born with same gender attraction.  I also wasn't born 5'6" with a full head of hair, an adult body, and a passion for games of all sorts.  Those were things that developed over time.  I could agree with the fact I was born with a tendency to be attracted toward other men.  Perhaps my spirit was created with a greater need to bond with those of my same gender.  I can agree with the idea that I was born more sensitive and introverted.  I can't agree with the idea I was born with same gender attraction.  So, 'born this way'. If you're talking about my personality, then yes.  If you're talking about same gender attraction, no.  I honestly feel like same gender attraction, specifically when it's a sexual nature, is a construct on top of some of my more basic personality features, basic needs, learned behaviors, and unmet needs.  Same gender attraction, for me, is something far too complicated for a newborn to have.

In contract, I was speaking with another friend of mine, who also has same gender attraction, and he asked me a very profound question.  Instead of trying to play the 'I know exactly who you are' card, he opted to understand my position.  He asked me: "For whom are you trying to be straight?"  Honestly, the question stunned me.  I honestly wasn't quite sure at the time, and I realize the question is far more complicated than it may appear on the surface.  I'll have to address it once piece at a time.

I'll start near the end with the word 'trying to be straight'.  I can honestly state that in the past, I have tried to be straight.  I've tried to suppress and ignore my feelings of same gender attraction.  All it brought me was depression, self hatred, and misery.  Since I've started to face and understand my feelings of attraction for men, I've slowly been learning to accept them.  It's been a long process.  I still have a long ways to go.  There's probably some lingering part of me that expects me to magically want to date women, feel emotional/sexually attracted to them, and want to marry one.  There definitely is some lingering self hatred and resentment for the fact that I have same gender attraction.  I'm still pushing through.  Until I fully accept the fact I have this, I doubt that Heavenly Father will fully reveal His intention for giving me this trial/challenge/curse/blessing.  Recently, I had a profound talk with my therapist (see this blog post) that helped open my eyes to the possibility of embracing and accepting my same gender attraction, without giving up my religious beliefs.  I honestly do believe I can enjoy deep, emotional connection with men and not break any laws of the gospel.  I also believe I can be physically close (note not sexually/romantically close) with other men and not be breaking any laws of the gospel.  The goal is for me to slowly work myself into a position where I can accept and embrace those things, because I believe they are things that I need.  I've denied them for a long time, so it's going to take more time.

Now for the first part 'for whom'.  For me, that's asking 'Why do I do what I do?'  As I've thought about this question, I've also been reading I Don't Want To Kill You by Dan Wells.  The book is about a sociopath teen who is obsessed with serial killers.  He's studied how they work and think.  One of the questions that he likes to ask is 'What did the killer do, that they didn't have to do?'  The whole point of it was to understand how the serial killer is thinking.  Or more accurately, what kind of holes the serial killer is trying to fill in their soul with killing.  I also asked myself this question, trying to understand why I masturbate.  Beyond eating, drinking, sleeping, and physical touch, there's not much I need to do in relation to my body.  Why would I do something unnecessary like masturbation?  What kind of hole am I trying to fill?  After examining the behavior, and the thoughts that come up related to it, I realized that I was trying to find connection with other people.  There is a hole where other people should go in my heart.  For some reason, I have a hard time filling up that hole.  I try to fill it up with something else, masturbation.  And that honestly doesn't fill it up for me.  I just realized that this paragraph is totally off topic.

Now, back to the original subject, why do I do what I do?  My ultimate goal is to do things for Heavenly Father.  I want to do His will.  I want to be back in His presence one day.  I want to have His happiness.  I've felt His love.  I yearn to feel it all the time.  Is that what always motivates me?  Of course not.  Sometimes I do things purely for myself (out of selfishness).  Sometimes I do things for myself to take care of myself (out of love for myself).  Sometimes I do things to ascribe to an ideal, standard, or religious teaching.  My least favorite is when I do things because of what I worry of what other people would think or what society would think of me.  That has never led me to happiness.  Ultimately, I want to be inspired and moved to act by love.  Pure love.  Charity.  Love for myself, for my fellow man (and woman), and for a love of God.

Much easier said than done.

Well, friend who shall go unnamed, thank you for posing that question! It's honestly led me to recommitting myself to seek out the pure love of Christ (see Moroni 7:44-48 for one of my favorite definitions of charity).  It's also helped me take another look at myself in a different sort of light.  Thank you again!

Thank you for reading.  If you have comments/insights/musings/questions, feel free to e-mail me (my e-mail is below).  You can also comment on this blog post.  Also, I accept text messages and Facebook messages (if you happen to know how to contact me that way).

Thank you friends.
-Andrew

Paths Laden With Fog

I've been coming to learn, or more accurately re-learn, a few things about myself lately.  Recently, I've been feeling pretty desperate for connection with other men.  Granted, I've been talking and reaching out more than normal.  I've even told a number of my friends about me, just in case they weren't following this blog.  The desperation still wasn't being alleviated.  There's a few simple facts that seem to contribute to this.

First off, my primary love language is touch (If you are unfamiliar with what a 'love language' is, see The 5 Love Languages site, it's also a book).  Because of that, my primary way of feeling and expressing love toward other people is through touch, and this very much focused around men, with very few exceptions for women, most of whom are in my family.  Most of the time, the expression has very little to do with lust or sexual desire.  Sometimes it's a simple expression that I like the person or value them as a friend.  Nothing more and nothing less.

This gets obviously frustrated by some aspects of American culture.  In my perception, we're not a very touchy-feely sort of people, at least out in public.  The same seems to be true when I visit church.  In my home ward (by home I mean parent's ward), the people are very good at shaking hands.  The last singles ward I was in, and this current ward don't seem to be very good at that, and I'm far too shy to even initiate that kind of contact.

Anyways, I was starting to feel desperate for some kind of physical contact with a man.  I can look back now and see how crazy I was, because I have a whole group of friends that are willing to give appropriate, safe, and bonding touch with me.  I told myself all sorts of lies to keep myself from asking them.  It led me to seeking the safe, appropriate sort of touch in a very dangerous environment.

As an interesting aside, I notice a pattern that emerges when I feel like my touch need isn't getting met.  I start to get the crazy notion that people will start spontaneously offering the kind of touch that I need or want.  I start to drop into a childlike state, where I expect the people around me to know what my needs are.  I basically tend to regress.  When my need isn't met (which happens very often because I'm not asking for help to get them met), I start to slip into a state of defensive detachment.  I get angry, and I feel lonely.  In an attempt to escape the pain of not having the need met, I seek out 'numbing agents' of sorts.  I turn to video games generally.  The sort of lull and trance they put me in provides a false sense of peace and comfort, yet always lead me to a sense of emptiness and loneliness.  When that isn't enough, I turn to stronger 'numbing agents': masturbation and pornography.  Like video games, they leave with a more profound feeling of emptiness and numbness.  In this state of numbness, I'm even less likely to ask for what I need.  It's a vicious downward spiral.

At my support group this week, I managed to touch both the pain and the feeling of emptiness and detachment.  It's amazing how familiar both of them feel.  I'm often not even conscious of it.  The detachment feels warm, familiar, old, and oddly peaceful.  Yet it also feels like I'm all alone in a dark room with no one else there.  The room is empty and vast.

As I discussed this at my support group, I realized that detachment and numbness is a choice I make.  It's a choice that leads me down a road that ends up with me curled up in a ball trying to shut everything else out.  It leads me to somewhere dark, lonely, yet safe.  As I talked, I also realized there were other paths.  There are other choices.  There are many different people to ask for help from.  All of the roads were covered in fog.  I couldn't determine their outcome.  The path to numbness, however, was quite clear.  I know where it would lead me.  I've taken it so many times, that the outcome is sure.

That aside, at support group I also recalled the last time I felt like I wanted some touch, specifically, I wanted to be held.  It was when I was having a talk with my dad about this blog post.  Forgive me other blog readers, but I'd like to address my dad personally.  Feel free to read as well!

Dad, I think you may remember the last time we got together and chatted about a blog post I had made, one about some past shameful lies I'd been believing for years.  Wow, this is hard, tears are already in my eyes.  I remember as we talked that I one point, I simply wanted you to reach out your arms and cradle me, and comfort me.  When I realized that, I almost immediately started to belittle/demean/talk down to myself about it.  'Why would an adult want to be held? I should be independent.  I shouldn't need this.  I shouldn't want this.'  Despite what I said, the desire was still there.  The pain was still there.  I wanted to connect.  I wanted to connect like a child would connect with his father.  I wanted to be held by you.  Yet, like a child, I found myself powerless to ask for what I wanted.  I found myself incapable of expressing the words.  Maybe because I was starting to feel, live, and act from a very young state, perhaps before I could even talk.  I've always wondered why I've struggled to connect with you.  I know I've been defensively detached from both you and Mom.  I'm starting to wonder if the problem and solution lie somewhere in the desire to be held by you, dad.  I somehow want to go back to where the defensive detachment started, attach, instead of detaching, and start unraveling years of me detaching myself from you.  Honestly, I feel afraid to ask for what I want.  I honestly don't know how you would take it, or even if you know how to hold me.  I don't even know how long it would take, or even if it would take more than one time of it happening.  There are many, many years of detachment.  Many years of me isolating myself from you.  I still think we can bridge the gap and heal this.  Honestly, the path is laden with fog.  All I know for now is there is a desire for me to be held by you.

Thank you for indulging me readers.  I feel nearly overcome inside with the sadness and the pain.  When I was a child, I didn't know what I needed.  I obviously felt a need to be safe, so I started to withdraw from my parents.  I honestly have no idea where it started.  All I know is that it worked at the time, and now, it isn't working as an adult.  To be withdrawn and detached from the people around me, means I can continue to be safe, but also broken, hurt, lonely, and ultimately, empty.  It also means that I defend myself from others attempts to truly love me.  It also extends to and disrupts my relationship with God.

The future paths are laden with fog.  I could continue to take the one familiar path, that leads me to loneliness.  I think it's time to start taking one of the fog laden ones and push through to see what's on the other side of the fog.

Oh, and a personal request.  If you know me, in person, I would definitely appreciate more hugs!  However that looks for you.

Thank you for reading.

Underneath The Armor - A Status Update 11Jan2012

It's been about four days since I last posted on here.  The last major post that I made was basically claiming this blog as my own and putting my own name on it.  I basically put it out in the public that I experience same gender attraction and often struggle with it.

It's been an interesting and disappointing last few days.  So far, a number of people have commented on the blog post, some friends from college and a former co-worker.  Also, a few people from the SSA community have also talked to me about it.  Honestly, I was hoping for some other people to see and respond.  There are other people with whom I want to be more open and honest.  Yet, I'm still afraid to share myself with those people, especially about the attraction.  Even though it's 'out there' I'm still afraid of owning up to it in public.  The most I've tried is texting someone from the group and asking if they've read my blog.  All I've heard back was 'Yeah, I knew that you had a blog.'  That's about as far as I felt safe pushing on it.  Really, if a person does or doesn't read my blog, it's more of the other person's choice.  I feel like I've tried to make it public, and tried to share it.

On to the main topic of my post.  Lately, the weather here in Utah has taken a turn for the cold again, so I'm layering up.  This morning, after putting on my jacket and my coat, I honestly wished I could put on a mask or a faceguard of some kind.  I've been feeling very ashamed of how I've been feeling/thinking/acting lately.  I know that I'm not in a very good place, yet I'm too afraid to reach out for the help I need.  I find myself waiting for other people to do it first as if I expect everyone else to inherently know that things aren't going well with me.  I can probably count on one hand the number of people who have reached out to support me or at least reached out to contact me.

Lately, some people have been asking me 'Hey, how are you?' or any of it's variants or mutations.  They've asked me in a variety of places.  Honestly, the responses may very with how much I trust the person.  I've honestly put on a great deal of 'armor' or 'masks' lately to cover up what's really been going on.

So how am I doing?

Outer layer:
In the outermost layer, I'll probably smile, give a nod.  I'll say I'm doing 'alright' or 'good' or possibly even 'well' if I'm actually feeling good at the time.  In this layer, I generally hide a great deal of what's really going on.  I feel uncomfortable going in deeper, so I often move away or keep the topics of conversation at very superficial levels.

One layer down:
On this layer, I may actually honestly say if I'm doing well or not.  I may say 'I'm having a rough time' without going into details.  My smile may fade.  My eyes may begin to tell the truth of my story.  Even at this layer, I feel uncomfortable and unsafe with a good majority of people.

Two layers down:
On this layer, I may start to go into the details of what's been going on.  I may say 'I've been feeling sad/angry/lonely/depressed.'  Even my feelings cover up a great deal of what's been going on.

Three layers down:
Things start to get even more personal.  I share more details of what's going on.  I feel like an outsider at church.  I try to smile and be friendly, but it doesn't seem to help.  People don't seem to want to sit by me.  People at work seem to avert their gaze when I go by.  People don't seem to want to interact with me, unless I do so first.  On this layer, I point my finger in blame at the other people.  I start to tap into the pain that I feel most of the time.  I may admit that I feel attracted to other people.

Four layers down:
I realize that all the things I've been blaming other people for, are really my fault.  I say 'No one wants to sit with me at Elder's Quorum, because there's something wrong with me.'  On this layer, I tell myself there are things 'wrong with me'.  I honestly have a hard time expressing this to other people.  I honestly even have a hard time admitting that I tell myself these things.  On this layer, I may realize that the way other people act really has little to do with me and everything to do with them.  I'm more honest at this layer of who I'm attracted to and what attracts me about them.  I'm also honest about how my I am disgusted with myself, or how I put myself down over why I feel attracted to certain people.  I put myself down for the desires related to those attractions.

There are things that I am even afraid of speaking about publicly, in this blog.

How have I been doing? Honestly, I've been doing poorly lately.  I've been struggling with the basics of prayer and reading my scriptures.  I've been trying to pray, but sometimes I feel like I've been left to struggle through things on my own.  My work has changed lately, and I feel bored and even more alone.  I feel frustrated when I'm attracted to a person that I see either at work, in public, or in my support group.  I've been growing more isloated and withdrawn.  I've grown tired of listening to the voices in my head that cry out that other people have hurt me, left me, abandoned me.  I'm tired of asking myself 'Why won't anyone sit next to me?'  'Why don't people talk to me unless I talk to them first?'.  I've grown so tired of hearing my own personal demons hiss from other people's faces.

How have I been coping?  I've been trying to drown my woes in computer games, staying up late, eating chocolate.  I've been struggling against the temptation to look at triggering pictures.  I've been struggling with the habit of masturbation.  I've been struggling with fantasizing what it would be like to be with another man.

What is it I need?




Honestly, I'm not entirely sure.  Love.  I want to feel loved by the people around me.  I want to feel loved by Heavenly Father.  Maybe part of what I need is to stop sabotaging other people's attempts to love me.  I honestly think that I've been hiding from the hurt for so long, that opening up to feel loved is only going to bring up all that hidden hurt.  I'm afraid of it.  I run from it, yet it never leaves me.  It always is with me no matter what I do to try to numb it or drown it out.

This morning, a quote from a General Authority which says something like this 'Assume that the people around you are in distress, and you will often be right'.  It occurred to me on my drive in to work that other people are probably in just as much pain as I am.  People around me are probably struggling with loneliness, with attraction, with anger, with sadness, and with depression.  The people around me are also probably screaming out in pain, screaming out to be loved by the people around them as well.

That makes me think a number of things.  First, part of me wants to think I'm insane for asking to feel loved by the people around me.  If everyone is struggling just as much as I am, how am I supposed to expect them to go out of their way to express any kind of love for me?  Second, I deride myself for not reaching out to help lift other people more.  Third, I feel frustrated that when I have reached out, the other people have been to armored to respond.  I realize this has honestly a lot more to do with the other people than it has to do with me.  I'm not going to try to force a response out of people.  If I were to force another person, it would probably damage my relationship with the person, and wouldn't do them a whole lot of good.  In other words, forcing another person to open up would be more about me than it would be about the other person.  Fifth, I need to show more compassion for the people around me.  Honestly, I need to have more compassion for myself, and more patience.  I need to stop getting stuck in the trap of self-pity.

In summary, all I want is to feel loved and to love the people around me.  What impedes me are the demons, the lies that resound inside my head and the temptations that easily beset me.  I often get stuck so deeply in the trap of self-pity that I don't reach out for help, or I reject the attempts of people to try to reach out to me.  In short, I'm convinced that I've gone totally crazy in the head.  I honestly wonder if I should be locked up in a padded chamber so my craziness won't hurt me or anyone else.

If you're reading this, and you are struggling in some way, please take care of yourself.  Talk to the people that you love and trust.  Also, even if you are struggling or aren't, take time to reach out and show your love to the people around you.  It may look any number of ways.  Maybe it means writing a letter, or an e-mail, or sending a text.  Maybe it looks like putting your arm around someone.  Maybe it means being a shoulder to try on or a listening ear.  Maybe it means giving a person some space to breath.  Maybe it means trying to move in a bit closer and being a bit more honest with that person.  In any case, perhaps the person best to start with would be yourself.

My Therapist And Sandwiches

Lately, as you may know from reading my other blog posts, I've been struggling a lot with depression, fear, sadness, grief, lots of things related to my life and especially same gender attraction.  I remember about two months ago asking my Heavenly Father 'What would you have me do?' speaking about my same gender feelings.  I suddenly feel like He may have given me another piece of insight along my path.

I had a visit with my therapist today.  After explaining how I'd been feeling, he asked me what I would like to work on.  Surprisingly, my mind went blank (there had been a number of things on my mind on the drive there).  He suggested that we sit down and read and article together written by Mitch Mayne.  Some information on Mitch Mayne: he is an active Latter Day Saint who is openly gay, as he puts it.  Here is a link to his blog: http://mitchmayne.blogspot.com/

My therapist brought over his iPad and sat down right next to me on the couch so that our shoulders were touching.  I gave a small gasp of surprise, but he didn't seem to notice or care.  We than began to read this article: http://mitchmayne.blogspot.com/2011/12/spirituality-and-social-justice-remarks.html  Go ahead and take some time to read it.  It's very well spoken.

One of his points that stuck out is that being a Latter Day Saint is more than a religion, it's more of an ethnicity.  We have our own 'culture' so to speak.  I really liked that point.  He also spoke how teachings of the church, especially ones about family, sink deep into our spirits.  It becomes part of our spiritual DNA.  Or how I would put it, it awakens that part of our spiritual DNA that speaks to the importance of families.

One paragraph that struck me emotionally was under the heading 'Why the LGBT issue is of such importance to Mormons: The culture'. Take a look at the third paragraph which speaks about LDS children who experience same gender attraction and have been kicked out of their homes because of their attractions.  He speaks about the deep feelings of loss that those people experience.  My therapist turned to me and asked me to talk about it.

I can totally relate.  I have felt, growing up, like I wasn't 'part' of my own family, like my parents weren't my own.  Maybe physically I was there in a family unit, but emotionally I was not.  For at least a portion of my teenage and adult years, I haven't felt like part of my family.  In a sense, I've lost that.

Also, I am single.  Growing up, the dream, the ideal, the want of every 'perfect' 'righteous' Latter Day Saint youth was the grow up and be sealed in the temple and then have a family.  I don't have that.  I don't know if words could suffice for the deep, piercing feelings of loss that brings, of having this one dream never materialized.

The second paragraph that hit me was very profound.  I didn't recognize the blog post until we came to this paragraph.  Fourth paragraph from the end he states this:

"I don’t want to leave people with the impression that I am changing my orientation to be Mormon. Or that I am changing my faith to be gay. Neither of those things is true. I am a gay man, and gay men are emotionally and intimately attracted to other men. That has not changed, and it won’t change. And likewise, part and parcel of being Mormon is I’ve always strived to live my life in accordance with what I understand my savior’s will for me to be, and that hasn’t changed either."

Before that, he spoke about belong to 'both' the gay and Mormon worlds.  My therapist turned to me and asked me about it about the same time when the implications of what the paragraph meant.   I could embrace both my religion and my attractions.  I could make them work together.  I could have both in my life.  Then I realized that for many years I've tried to stifle, strangle, surpress, and ulitmately kill my attractions.  And it hasn't worked.  I've been waiting for them to magical go away after certain things occured.  I told myself "On my mission, they'll go away", "If I date a girl, they'll go away", "If I go to Journey Into Manhood, they'll go away".  Honestly, it hasn't just "gone away".

Finally, I feel like I've come to a point where maybe accepting and allowing the attraction to be part of me is what Heavenly Father has wanted me to do with them.  That doesn't mean acting out sexually on the attractions.

The last paragraph that struck me was the final one.  It says the following: "It takes a strong spirit to be gay in this life. It takes a remarkable one to be a gay Mormon. Never doubt for a moment you are anything less than remarkable. For that is most certainly how our Father in heaven views you."

As we talked about it, I realized something I've felt in myself for years.  I've always had a part of me that refused to give up, a resilience or stubborness inside of me.  I realize now that is probably part of my spirit.  I've been through pain, heartache and loss.  I've put myself through agony and fed myself lies.  And yet, my spirit still continues to move onward.  My therapist then compared my journey to the pioneer's.  I'm going to a place that I've never seen before.  I've only heard that it's a good place.  He said "Where you're going, you don't even know what it's going to look like!"  Honestly, I have no idea what it would mean to embrace and accept my attractions or how it will be after I do this.  As my therapist said the pioneers did, I need to put my trust in the love and vision that my Heavenly Father has for me.

My therapist left me with two profound things to ponder:

• Same gender attraction may be part of my mortal experience forever.
• Women can become potential friends and possibly even girlfriends/wives, but only if I put effort into it.

As for the sandwiches part of my title, my therapist said that LGBT always sounds like a kind of sandwich.  That's when I looked at it and said 'Lettuce, grapes, bacon, tomatoes'.  He got a kick out of that.  The article also mentioned LGBTQ.  I was at a bit of a loss for a food item that started with Q.  To be honest, the first word I thought of was 'queer'.  Then I realize that Queiso would work.  Also interesting is that my therapist talks about a 'menu' of choices.

In life, there are a variety of experiences I am given.  Some I choose, some I don't choose.  It's much like eating a meal.  In order for me to be healthy, I have to have a balanced meal.  Let's say I enjoy some things, but hate others.  Some things are not delicious but are still healthy for me.  For instance, let's say I didn't like vegetables (I actually really like most vegetables).  If I didn't eat any, I'd probably risk not having my body run at top performance.  If I eat them, sure, it tastes nasty for the moment but there's a long term benefit.  Trials and tribulations are like vegetables, and often times, I don't get to pick which vegetable I eat.  Same Gender Attraction is one of those vegetables that I don't think I picked, but it is still served to me each and every day.  If I ignore it, and throw it away, I'll miss out on the growth and the strength I can receive by working through it.

It's something I will ponder.  I have the feeling that exploring this new idea of living in 'both' worlds will bring me a greater sense of peace and wholeness.

Toxic Shame, Deep-set Lies

This will be a difficult post to write for me.  Not difficult because I'm afraid to share it.  Difficult because of the pain I know that it's going to touch on.  Once more, into the breach.

In my support group this week, I did something where I looked into events where I had felt shamed.  Sometime soon, I'll have to start up a series of posts called 'From the Memory Vault' where I share things from my past that I'm able to remember.  I actually have a draft for one, but I'm too afraid to share it.  I'm frankly worried about how I could explain it without the event becoming too pornographic.  Here's a list of some of the shameful memories that I was able to remember this week:

• In kindergarten, I colored a hand purple.  The teacher had me re-color it because it was the 'wrong color'.
• In kindergarten, my teacher found my lunch, raised it up, asked who's it was.  I raised my hand and she didn't see me, and it caused trouble later.
• I was forced to recount in front of the whole primary a time when I didn't come when my mother called
• At 8, I was told 'He shouldn't have gone in there!' by a man at the front desk of a military locker room, after I had gone in with my dad
• My dad telling me, at 8-9 years old, "If you were older, you would have needed to talk to a bishop"
• Various events with yelling and throwing of toys
• Me getting caught playing the Legend of Zelda early in the morning...Sunday morning
• Me getting in trouble for spitting on a girl

That was the list of memories of shame that I had from this group.  As a kid, these were some of the messages that I got:

• I don't belong here
• I'm not valued
• I don't belong with men
• I don't matter
• I do everything wrong
• I'm always in trouble
• You don't care.

At some point early in my life, I decided that people didn't care about me.  I must have started ignoring any attempts by people around me to love and care about me.  Even if I was able to perceive it, I would eventually rationalize it away.  In short, I was detached from the people around me.  I figured, if they don't care about me, why should I care about them?  I decided to go off and live in a fantasy world.  At the same time, I became a 'people pleaser'.  I did whatever it took to make people leave me alone.  I would satisfy people and try not to draw attention to myself.  I did my best in school for fear of 'doing things wrong'.  I remember being mortified the first time I was late to a class in my life.


I delved a bit deeper into that first memory I shared.  At one point, I came to the realization that my teacher didn't care about me.  No one seemed to care about me growing up.  I was just another warm body.  I was an object in the room.  And deep down, all I wanted as a kid was to feel special, loved, noticed, cared for, delighted in.

I also got some good insight into one of my 'flavors' of attraction.  I generally feel attracted to men bigger than me, to men that I judge are stronger than me.  I also feel afraid around them, intimidated by them.  It's an interesting internal conflict.  I think it goes back to feeling shamed by various adults in my life.  I wanted to feel loved by them, and instead I felt shamed by them.  To this day, I find myself seeking that love and approval from the 'big men', from the 'adults'.  I still want and crave that acceptance, affection, affirmation, ...love from them.  That flavor of attraction is one of the hardest to 'shake off'.  It's one of the hardest to resolve for me, probably because it's very deeply set.

Last night, I went to hang out with some friends.  As soon as I showed up, they said 'hi', but then went back to talking with each other.  I felt that same story come up. 'They don't care.  They've never cared.  You're just another person to them'.  I tried to compensate by smiling and making jokes.  On the way home, I felt lonely.  As I was driving, I was looking at the world around me, admiring Heavenly Father's handiwork.  A thought came to me: yes, this is a manifestation of His love.  But, it's a manifestation of His love to everyone.  It's a blanket statement.  It's sent out generally to everyone.  I do acknowledge there have been a few times when I have seen tender mercies in my life, when I have felt that I was specifically cared for.  Somehow...I'm just not feeling it right now.

This morning, it finally hit me.  The same idea 'You don't care' shows up in my relationship with my Heavenly Father.  When I pray, I tell myself that I'm just another warm body to Him.  No wonder the heaven's have felt so closed.  No wonder I feel like I've slipped through the cracks and have fallen of His radar.  I keep telling myself the same lie.

The same lie that has been lodged deep in my psyche.

I've even tried telling myself positive stories.  Sure, they help for awhile, but the same old lie creeps up and slowly strangles my attempts at changing how I think.  The poison is set deep.

Now I sit here, feeling empty, with the beginnings of tears in my eyes.  I don't even know if I can see the depth of this wound that was dealt to me.  I feel angry that I've continued to tell myself the same lie.  I'm angry that I made the choice to feel ashamed and to detach while I was young.  I feel like I've screwed up my life by making the choices I did.  "It's all my fault".  I chose to react the way I did.  I chose to detach.  It's my choice, I have to live with the consequences.

Perhaps I'm not heeding the saying that I came up with while talking with a friend a few weeks ago.  The saying is 'You're supposed to carry your cross, not nail yourself to it!'  I need to find a way to carry the burden this lie has created without it paralyzing me.  And ultimately, I need to find out how to heal it and how to surrender it.  There is a way.  I believe that there is healing through Christ's Atonement.  There is strength there, and there is grace.  There is forgiveness and love.  My heart feels too afraid to trust.  It's been hurt so many times before. I keep hurting it by feeding it the same lie, and yet I keep sheltering it from any outside attempt to heal it.

Sounds like madness to me.

Music That Speaks To Me - Everybody's Fool

Perfection.  Perfection is such a lovely, perfect word.  Perfect people are happy.  Perfect people have no flaws.  Perfect people are always smiling.  There's nothing wrong with them.

If I've learned anything in my time here on this earth, there's no such thing as a perfect person.  If I think someone's perfect, I'm obviously closing my eyes to the flaws they may have.  Many times, I've felt like other people see me as a 'perfect' person.  I feel put up on a pedestal.  Sometimes I've put myself on that pedestal.  I've put on that perfect veneer.  I've tried to pretend to be a 'normal', happy, 'perfect' person.

Today's song speaks just to that.  Disclaimer: there is some language in the song.

Lyrics:

perfect by nature
icons of self-indulgence
just what we all need
more lies about a world that

never was and never will be
have you no shame? Don't you see me?
you know you've got everybody fooled

look here she comes now
bow down and stare in wonder
oh how we love you
no flaws when you're pretending
but now i know she

never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled

without the mask where will you hide?
can't find yourself lost in your lie

i know the truth now
i know who you are
and i don't love you anymore

it never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled

it never was and never will be
you're not real and you can't save me
somehow now you're everybody's fool
[Taken from http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/evanescence/everybodysfool.html]

The video takes a big stab at advertisement.  I've always seen advertisements as trying to present some kind of 'perfect' image to consumers.  If you drink this product, you'll be perfect, beatiful, wonderful, loved, etc etc etc.

What a pack of lies.  I've found great amusement when I manage to shake off the spell that advertisements put on me, and really see through the veneer that they've put on things.  There's something enjoyable at ignoring the perfect image that they try to put up.

As for myself, I've been the person who's tried to be 'perfect'.  I've put on many masks in my life.  The most destructive mask I've worn was the 'I'm a perfect person!' mask.  As part of this mask, I have to smile and be happy all the time.  Nothing is ever wrong in my life.  I don't have same gender attraction.  I feel the spirit all the time.  I don't do anything wrong.  I've got 'no flaws when [I'm] pretending'.  Really, I hide my shortcomings.  I hide my struggles.  I'm living a life.  In many ways, I betray myself when I put on this mask.  When I try to live a life that 'never was or never will be', at least in this mortal life.  When I wear the mask of perfection, I'm not loving myself.  After all, how could I be loving a lie?  How could someone else love me, when all they're loving is the mask?

About two and half years ago, reality started to sink in.  I started to realize that I really needed help.  I got a therapist that would actually help me get through my issues.  I went to my first support group.  I started to destroy that mask, although it is a difficult one to destroy.  After all, I've lived for 26 years.  I could probably say that a good majority of that time was spent hiding behind the mask, evading the truth about the world and about myself.  I've spent a long time hiding the truth.

What are some things that hide behind the mask?  Fear.  Pain.  Deep wounding.  Endless cycles of lies that I've told myself.  Sadness.  Anger.  The real me hides behind the mask.  One of my deep fears is that I will not overcome same gender attraction in this life.  I fear that I will have to deal with it until the day that I die.  Even though I've done work, and tried to move past and heal issues, it still lingers.  Many days I see it as a curse.  I hide that fact from everyone around me, even myself.  Some days, I've really got 'everybody fooled' even myself, and thus I am 'everybody's fool'.

The best way to combat any lie is with truth.  To borrow from Jesus, who stated "Ye shall know the truth, and the truth will set you free" John 8:32.  As I've come to know and accept the truth about me, the world, the people around me, Heavenly Father, his gospel, the Atonement, I've found freedom.  Sometimes accepting that truth has been a painful process.  Ultimately, it's healed me and made me free from the lies, free from being everybody's fool.  Or perhaps more accurately, free from being a puppet of the adversary of all that is true, good, and holy.

This had been a difficult post for me.  I hope that I, as well as all of you, can learn to cast of the masks that we wear.  I hope that we together can learn to be more authentic.  I hope we can embrace the truth.  I believe that the truth is the only thing that can heal us and the world around us.

Truth: I am a valued son of Heavenly Father.  Truth: He gave His only perfect Son's life so that I could become perfect as well.  Truth: I am not perfect.  Truth: I have many challenges in life, and they're all meant to lead me toward perfection, and back into the loving embrace of Heavenly Father.

Those are some of the truths that I am learning to embrace.

For more reading, you can read Dan's post from Single Dad Laughing on perfection.  Click here: The disease called perfection.  Enjoy!

The Flavors of Attraction

This is a very scary post for me to put out there.  Scary indeed.

In this post, I plan on speaking a bit into the kind of people I'm attracted to.  I'm going to put it out there in a very generic sense, as well as possibly some explanations into why I think I may have these kinds of attractions.   The idea for this blog posts came at the last family function that I attended.  My sister told her husband that I had same gender attraction.  When I asked her about it at the function, she jokingly said "Just don't hit on him." She laughed and then said something afterward to the effect of "Oh, you're probably not because he's not super mega cute".  It made me think, there's a whole lot that I could be attracted to a person than how they look.  A whole lot more.

I have some insight into what makes me feel attracted, or repulsed, by different men around me.  I don't have it down to an exact science, because I always seem to find exceptions to the rule.  I'm probably more complicated than I'm letting myself be.

I think I can boil it down to three different 'flavors' of attraction: attraction to a 'father' figure, attraction to the masculine, and the 'eye candy' attraction.

The father figure attraction can be hard to separate from the masculine flavor of attraction for me.  The father figure attraction drives around looking for someone to protect me.  It involves looking for a guardian of sorts.  A big part of the drive involves having this man, who is strong and powerful, protect and love me.  It often manifests in urges to be held or embraced by the man.  It often makes me feel like a little child when I'm around men like this.  Typically men who are big, big as in physically imposing, tall or with broad shoulders.  It usually doesn't have very much to do with the man's personality, although if a man is brash or loud, it tends to destroy any feelings of 'father figure' attraction I may have for them.  This flavor of attraction is very frustrating to deal with, because it isn't easily seen or resolved.  I'm typically in 'little boy' space when I'm around men like this, so I'm not actively trying to figure out what's going on.  I'm more focused on how to 'win' the protection and affection of these men.

The attraction to the masculine is a much broader category.  The drive is to connect and have friendship with a man.  In more extreme or frustrated cases, it can have sexual flavors to it.  Typically men with deep voices, body hair, muscles, who exude confidence, or leadership abilities can trigger this sort of attraction in me.  It can present an odd dual response in me.  I will feel attracted, yet I can also feel a sense of enmity toward the man.  All in all, the attraction is much worse if I'm not in touch with my inner masculine.

The last flavor, the 'eye candy' flavor is an attraction toward men who are good looking or who are extremely lean and muscular.  This sort of attraction, for me, probably arose due to exposure to pornography, although in it's purest form, it is an admiration for the natural beauty that exists in the people all around me.  The problem is that it's been sexualized.

Each of these 'flavors' is separate, but often times they can get combined.  I remember with my last exposure to pornography, I ran into a man that exemplified all three flavors of masculinity for me.  I found the draw to that man almost irresistible.  Sometimes each flavor has a different strength, so it is difficult to pick apart the different aspects to the attraction and address them.  Generally, most attractions for me diminish if I can talk with and demystify the man.  The father attraction requires a different sort of work.  It requires me to clearly see that I'm putting a 'father' energy onto a man.  It also requires me to withdraw that energy.  Part of me finds that very difficult, because I still long and yearn for that connection with a father figure.

There, that wasn't so scary for me actually.  This is the last post I plan on making today.  Time to enjoy the weekend.  As usual, feel free to comment or to e-mail me.

Depression - 16Dec2011

Last night and this morning really haven't been good to me.  I've been struggling with the loneliness and depression.  I'm starting to realize that I have more struggles in life than just same gender attraction.  There's the anxiety, the loneliness, the defensive detachment from other people, depression, and an inability to trust others and trust Heavenly Father.

Last night was an OK night.  I went and spent some time with the guys that I knew from the fraternity.  I remember feeling bored most of the night.  As I drove home, I felt kind of empty and numb.  I ate all of the chocolate chip cookies one of the guys had given me.  It made my stomach feel kind of upset.  I remember that I set my computer down and briefly considered setting up my computer and turning it on.  I knew if I did that, that I would start searching for triggering images, and possibly get mixed up in pornography.  Instead, I finished getting ready for bed.

I found myself thinking about how lonely I felt.  I started to go through the people I knew.  I was realizing that not any one person was going to be able to help fulfill my need for friendship.  One person was not going to fit all of the wants I had for friendship.  I starting putting people into categories.  There's one man that I trust for guidance and advice, but we don't really do anything together.  There's another man with whom I share a number of interests, but he is a very busy person.  There's another man like that who I even was close to, but I ended up becoming codependent.  There's other men that I try to reach out too, but I always feel like I'm the one making all the effort in the friendship.  There's other men that try to reach out with me, but I don't feel like I want to reach back.

I basically started to throw a pity party for myself.  I found myself praying, asking, wondering if Jesus and Heavenly Father would be my only friends, the only ones that could really love me, and really help me.  Even after asking and reaching toward Him, I still felt like His love along wouldn't be enough.  I thought that even with Him, I would still be longing for human interaction.  While laying feeling lonely, thoughts of temptation entered my mind.  I eventually succumbed to the idea of 'Oh, I'll feel good for a few moments now'.

This morning, it was a struggle to get out of bed.  I was feeling empty.  I was feeling guilty and ashamed.  I was still feeling lonely.  When I finally got into the shower, I spent a few minutes curled up in a ball under the hot water, not wanting to move and face the day.  I got out of the shower, sat on the floor and draped my towel around my shoulder and curled up in a ball again.  I didn't want to go anywhere, I just wanted to sit there.  Finally, I was able to get up, get dressed, and get in the car.  I was feeling sad.

Driving to work, I was able to feel some emotion: anger, directed at the other drivers.  I got really angry right before I got to work.  I remember sitting in my car, not wanting to get out.  I didn't like the fact I'd gotten so angry at the other driver.  I didn't want the anger.  I sat in the car until the air started to cool.  I briefly considered the idea of sitting there until my body went cold.  I did eventually get out of the car and get into work.  I sat at the computer, and when it was on, I was able to forget about the depression.  When I got up to go to the bathroom, the feeling of sadness and loneliness came back.  I guess the computer is just a distraction for me.

Do I have depression?  I'm scared that I am.  Do I deal with loneliness?  I'm pretty sure I do.  I was remembered a movie we watched in elementary school on the way to work.  It was about a kid that no one seemed to like, no one would interact with.  He would go to school and had no friends there.  He would go home, and his parents wouldn't talk to him.  Eventually, he walked off the school bus one day and just fell down and died.  The title of the movie was 'Cypher'.  Cypher meaning zero.  The person was a zero everyone's eyes.  I realized that I had made some progress.  I do feel like I have some impact on the world. When the loneliness and depression sets in, I start to feel like a Cypher.  I start to feel like a ghost in my life, drifting past that no one can see or if they can see me, they don't care to interact with me.

Depression scares me, especially because that's when the thoughts of wanting to die enter into my life.  I honestly think I'm far too much of a coward to end my own life.  Yet, if the pain and the loneliness get to much, I may be driven to something like that.  The other thing that comes with depression is not wanting to do anything.  The idea of maintaining this blog sometimes feels like it's too much.  I find myself wanting more feedback.  I find myself wanting more people to interact with.  I find myself searching for people that are willing to share of themselves as well.  Sure, I've had many people tell me they've been reading my blog.  Some express that they relate to it.  It seems to end there.  No one wants to further into it and I'm too passive to want to investigate further.

Sometimes I wish some of the people who don't know who I am behind my alias would talk to me about the blog.  They're the people I'm really trying to reach.  I can see it as a form of madness.  I want to connect to those people, but I'm not actively reaching out to them.  I want them to read these words and know that it's me that's writing them, but I hide behind an alias.  I want to find connections and friendships where I can be open and vulnerable with another person, and that other person be the same way back, but I'm too afraid to take the first step to be vulnerable.  I'm just so tired of trying.  I'm so tired of reaching and not feeling like the others are reaching back.

Sometimes I think there's something about me that makes it so other people don't want to interact with me.  Am I too much for them?  Am I too draining?  Do I ask for too much?  Do I expect too much?  I went to a fireside this Sunday.  The first few groups of people I walked up to disbanded a few moments after I got there.  Only in one case did a person stay to talk with me.  Later on that did change, but for awhile I started to wonder if there was something wrong with me.  After my support meeting, it seemed only a small handful of the men really wanted to talk with me.  Most other conversations ran dry relatively quickly.

Perhaps I am crazy.  I do have many friends.  Part of me looks at me with condemnation and says 'Should you be grateful for what you have?  Why isn't it enough?  Why can't the friendships you have be enough?  Why isn't God's love and grace enough for you?'  Another part considers the people I have said I don't want to be friends with and says 'What do you expect?  These men have tried to be your friend, and you haven't let them.  You've turned them down.  You've stopped talking to them.  You haven't tried.  How can you expect anyone to do the same?'  Yet another voice speaks up and says 'If they really knew you, they'd run away in fear.'  Yet another says 'It's not worth it to interact with other people.  You'll either give in to your attractions or be driven mad by them.  You'll always live in jealousy and envy of the friendships you see in other people.  You'll never have it.  You'll always be alone.  You'll always be an island.  Might as well cut your ties with everyone and not expect them to come looking for you.'  I had the idea to stop going to church, to stop going to the support group.  A voice came saying 'Oh, it doesn't really help you.  When you go, you just find yourself longing to connect to the other men there, but it never works when you try.  It will never work when you try.  Nothing you do can change things'.  Then comes up one of the scariest voices 'You should just end it.  It'd be simple.  Then you would really know who cared about you.  They would come and cry for you at your funeral.'  The voice even took a scarier turn this morning 'Heavenly Father is the only one that loves you.  Why don't you just end this life so that you can be with Him?  He's the only one that loves you.'

It is scary.  It really is scary.  I keep praying for the strength to get me through.  Heavenly Father is the one person that can help pull me through it.  It hurts though.  The loneliness and isolation hurt.  I sit here with tears of sadness welling up in my eyes, and pain in my heart.  I'm afraid this pain and sadness will lead me to anger and defensiveness.  That will only drive those trying to get close to me even further away.

Oh well.  It's another day.  It's another chance to try.  I feel pessimistic about it.

Friendship - Thou Art A Strange Beast

Recently, I know I've made posts about friendship.  Today, I want to share some of the thoughts I've been having about friendship or perhaps more in general, relationships.

First off, each person is a paradox.  A person can be simple.  A person can be complex.  Sometimes the reason behind how people think, feel, and act is complicated.  Sometimes it's very simple.

Relationships can be simple or they can be complex.  Friendship can be much the same way.  I've found that relationships are simple if both people are expecting or wanting the same thing from it.  Friendship is much the same way.  I find that things get horribly complicated if each person in a relationship is expecting something different, or are expecting the same thing, in different amounts.  If one person starts to expect more than the other person is willing to give, then it can get complicated.  If one person starts to give more than the other person is willing to receive, it also gets quite complicated.

Personally, I've been on both ends.  I've been on the end where I feel like I'm giving more and more to the person, and receiving very little in return.  I've been in those friendships where I reach out continually to try to connect with the other person, but I never see the other person reach back.  Sure, when I initiate contact, most people respond and continue that contact.  I've also seen the opposite happen.  There are people I know who give and give to me, who share there life stories, advice, thoughts, and opinions, and for whatever reason, I don't wish to receive those.

That's the point where things get complicated.

When I see situations where I'm giving too much, I find it difficult, albeit not hard to 'withdraw' from the person.  When I realize I'm over committing, it is easy for me to not commit as much.  By committing less, I may give that person less attention.  I may reach out to them less than I have in the past.  I may not try to give them as much touch/affection as I have in the past.  It may mean something even more difficult.  It may mean reclaiming the 'heartspace' I've given to that person.  'Heartspace' is a pretty complicated term for me.  In some ways, it's a measure of my internal commitment toward a person.

I find the harder situations to deal with are when people seem to be 'overcommiting' to try to have a relationship with me.  If the person initiates contact, and I don't feel like initiating back.  I find myself worried about 'hurting their feelings'.  I feel like I'm being cruel if I don't respond to the person.  I feel like I'm lying by continuing to interact with the person.

Honestly, I realize that everyone has needs in varying levels and amounts.  Perhaps for with some friends, I meet their needs by interacting with them, even if I don't get my needs met in the same way with that relationship.  Perhaps other people help meet my needs when they interact with them, yet I don't help feel their needs.  Lopsided relationships? Yes.  Bad?  I'm not sure.  Unhealthy? Only if the person on the giving end is putting themselves into a bad place by helping out.

Friendship, for me, is about mutual trust.  It's about both people in the relationship wanting and giving on a similar level.  There's also the idea of liking each other, of enjoying each others company.  There's a drive to continue and maintain the relationship on both sides.  There's also a sense of safety, love, and affirmation.  Each friendship is different.  Each one is on various levels and each one can change over time.

A few more thoughts I've had.  I've been reading 'In Quiet Desperation'.  In part of the book, Ty Mansfield talks about speaks about the condemnation of homosexuality found in Romans 1.  He then spoke that Paul was trying to teach a very important principle.  He was trying to warn against the dangers of idolatry.  He was stating that by misusing the procreative powers that Heavenly Father has given me, I was starting to worship that power.  As Ty Mansfield put it, some people make their sexuality their idol.  It then struck me that I had many other idols.  The current idol I've been worship is friendship.  I've been trying to put the idea of having friendship up and over God.  I realize that friendship is something important in my life.  Is it really something that should be worshiped?  Is it more important than God, the giver of the gift of friendship?  Heavens no.  Heavenly Father alone should be my object of highest and must worthy worship.

One last thought.  I saw a funny twitter hashtag today.  It goes something like #SomeoneLetMeKnowWhen.  I contemplated a few that I could say, in light of my recent posts and this post.  #SomeoneLetMeKnowWhen men will not be afraid of showing pure, non sexual affection toward one another in public. #SomeoneLetMeKnowWhen it is safe to express feelings openly with one another, even if those feelings say 'I don't want to be your friend'.

Just some thoughts and musings I've had.  I'd love to hear your thoughts!  Please comment, or send me an e-mail.

A Matter Of Perspective 7Dec2011

I am feeling a whole lot better today.  I had a wonderful talk with my therapist that helped to widen and open up my perspective.

First, he had me do a relaxation technique.  The shoulder/neck pain and headaches were due to my body responding to all the stress I've been feeling lately.  Work, trying to figure out how to handle my attractions toward men, and stressing about giving/receiving appropriate healthy touch with other men has really been taking a toll on my body.  After I was able to relax some, I was able to talk about all those things that were stressing me.

My therapist then asked me what my options were for dealing with my attractions or life in general.  I came up with a list of the following (by no means inclusive of all the options I have):

• Live the lifestyle, having multiple sexual partners
• Live the lifestyle, have one sexual partners
• Live the lifestyle, remain celibate, only date men
• Don't live the lifestyle, have romantic relationships with men
• Don't interact with men at all
• Connect superficially with men
• Connect emotionally with other men
• Be vulnerable with men that I trust
• Pursue a close, vulnerable relationship with God (this option teared me up when I said it)
• Completely ignore God and His will

I'm sure there are many more options that I could pursue in relationship with life and my attractions.  The experience of listing options, as many as I could think of, helped to open my eyes.  I realized that romantic and sexual interactions with men was only a small subset of a larger sphere of possible interactions.  I could do so many other things with men.  As we talked, I couldn't help but here the lie inside 'Oh, but I'm shy.  People don't invite me to do things with them.'  I know that is a lie.  I have friends that do invite me to do things.  I've been a bit of a hermit lately due to the headaches and pain.

My therapist then told me that I seemed to be very focused on men and my attraction to them.  He said he hadn't heard me talk about any girls, specifically a girl that I had been kind of interested in a few months ago.  I can probably count on one hand the number of women that I interact with (by women I mean females older than 9).  Only about three of them are women that I feel comfortable enough to share at least part of what's going on with me, two of those are my sisters and another is my friend's girlfriend.  I realized that I had a large void in my life.  I was totally ignoring the possibility of interacting with women, probably because I simply don't have many opportunities, outside of church and rarely at work, to interact with women.  I've decided that I need to start participating in the local single ward activities.  I go to a family ward currently, and really like the progress I'm making with the bishop.  Hopefully if I start going to some single ward activities, I may find more people around where I live that I can interact with.  Maybe I can even find that mythical, other gender attracted, cuddle buddy I've been looking for.  There's the obsession with men again.

I stated something profound last night.  I know I've heard it before.  I said to my therapist that my attraction has very little to do with sex and sexual relationships with men.  It's more about emotional connection.  It's more about loving and feeling loved.  For me, maybe that generally looks like some kind of touch or physical affection, but it doesn't have to be like that.  Touch is only one small way people convey the fact that they like someone else.  It still is my preferred method.  I'm going to have to keep my eyes open a little wider to see if people are sending me that message, and I'm missing it.  I'm still going to keep my touchy feely nature toward other people and yet try to explore other ways of expressing how I feel toward a person.

Anyways, my therapist did say I was focusing on one very small part of my life: my desire for touch-based interaction with men.  I realized that I was focusing on it.  Sure, it is a squeaky wheel.  It's a big pain point for me.  But there is so much more to life than just that.  There's my relationship with friends I do have.  There's my co-workers.  There's my relationship with myself.  There's my relationship with Heavenly Father.  There's my hobbies: Magic, video games, and reading.  

As my therapist gave me a hug goodbye, he started to talked to me.  It's one of my favorite moments because I really like his hugs, and he often says very insightful things as we're hugging.  He said he wanted me to expand my expectations on what I can do.  He wants me to expand my expectations for me.  I realized that I had been doing something like that.  When temptation to masturbate arises, a lie often comes with it.  "You'll eventually give in" says the lie.  To that I say "I can resist.  I can with God's help."  And many times, He has come to my aid.

As I ate dinner, I had a pleasant conversation with a friend and we got into the matter of perspective.  I realized that I can't see the "big picture".  Even with the spirit's aid, I often only see parts of glimpses of the whole plan.  I'm given just what I need to succeed and thrive with my challenges.

I went home and had an enjoyable evening rebuilding some of my Magic decks.  I dismantled one deck, and realized I still had ten regular decks and two Commander decks.  I only managed to rebuild half of my regular decks.  I awoke this morning feel tired, but not completely worn out like I have felt the last few days.  The pain in my neck and shoulders seems to have faded.  Sure, the whole physical touch situation hasn't changed a whole lot.  It's just not the only thing I'm going to focus on, I hope.

To finish, I'd love to share some sayings/quotes that I like:

"Perception is reality."

"Perception is everything, to the perceiver."

White Knuckling It 6Dec2011

It's been about 4 months or so since I last had a problem looking at pornography.  By pornography, I mean something that nearly any (sane) person would call pornographic.  I haven't had a problem with masturbation for over two weeks.

I've been tempted many times to give in to both evils.  Sometimes I started to entertain the ideas.  I've found myself looking at pictures that aren't healthy for me in this state.  Just last weekend, I started watching some videos that weren't good for me either.  I was flirting with the line.  I was putting myself into fire.  Thankfully, a friend messaged me on Facebook.  I felt a sense of guilt and shame at having been watching something like that.  I closed the browser tab and talked with him a bit.

This morning, the temptation came again to give in.  I paused for a moment, made sure I was looking at what was going on around me, and tried to tap into what I was feeling.  Sadness, depression and a feeling of warmth inside.  Heavenly Father does know what's going on with me.  He knows what my needs are. When I'm not taking care of my needs or letting Heavenly Father take care of what needs I can't take care of on my own, I'm far more vulnerable to being tempted to 'take care' of my needs with something counterfeit.  In fact, many times when I've been tempted I've thought "Yeah, that will feel good for a moment, but I'll be even worse afterward".

One need that I've been struggling to meet is getting adequate sleep.  I feel tired at night until the moment my head hits the pillow.  I then get a feeling of longing.  I want someone to snuggle up to.  I want to be held by someone until I fall asleep.  I find my mind going into fantasy and the temptation to masturbate grows.  For instance, last night I had to open my eyes many times to get a good dose of reality.  I had to remind myself that I was along in the room.  I had to tap back into my feelings of exhaustion.  After some struggle, I was able to fall asleep.  Lack of sleep really doesn't help with my overall mood.

Another contributing factor is the fact of physical pain.  I've been having some strange and particularly annoying headaches lately, accompanied by pain in my shoulders and neck.  I went and got a massage last Saturday, but that didn't seem to help much.  The whole area either feels tight, or burns.  The feelings of pain come and go.  I'm sure this may be from stress related to my job and trying to figure out life problems.

Another need I feel is lacking is the need to connect with other men.  This need seems to be plastered all over my thoughts and actions.  My primary way of feeling connected to another person is through touch.  I have all sorts of fear, beliefs, and stories around touch that make things difficult.  Sometimes I feel like I'm having to 'sneak in' getting touch.  Sometimes it feels like it's something that can only be done in 'secret'.  On particularly difficult days, I find myself believing that wanting to be touched or wanting to touch another man in any way is 'bad'.

On a related note, yesterday I had to carpool with some men from my work.  Three of us had to squeeze into the back seat.  Both of the other men were bigger than, one by quite a bit.  Needless to say, it was a bit uncomfortable.  The man on my left finally put his arm around the seat behind me.  The man on the right kept moving himself away as far as possible to 'give me space'.  Honestly, I would have been totally happy with him putting his arm around me.  I really wanted him to.  Yet, how could I ask something like that?  I honestly was afraid of what the man would think of me?  Was it 'bad' that I wanted this guys arm around me?  Was it bad that I liked how it did feel to sit right next to him and the other man?

I feel like I'm getting desperate to figure out how to handle this need.  On the way out of a clothing store, I had a strange urge to walk up to one of the male mannequins and starting rubbing its chest.  I thought it was a little amusing at the time.  Now it feels shameful and disgusting.  It's a similar urge that I get toward other men.

I feel like I'm trying to white knuckle my way through this.  There must be a way to get that need for touch met, without it becoming something sexual or romantic.  There must be a way to give and receive affection with another man without violating any sort of gospel principles.  I'm just having a hard time seeing it right now.  I pray that God will help me find the answers soon.  I pray I'll find the answers.

Wanting What I Can't Have 4Dec2011

Lately, I've been feeling pretty frustrated by my seeming inability to connect and relate with other men, more specifically to men who don't experience same gender attraction.  I'm guessing a good majority of it is simply lies, false judgments, or fears around things that have happened in the past.  My biggest fear is around one thing: touch.

My primary love language is touch.  That means that I generally feel most loved when I'm getting the right kind of touch.  I don't mean anything sexual or romantic.  Simple things like having an arm put around my shoulder or a hug can go a long way.  I judge that men in American society are afraid of showing any kind of physical affection with another man.  I judge they are afraid of being labeled as 'homosexual', 'queer', 'gay', etc.  I'm afraid to show any kind of physical affect, well anything more than brief contact, for the same fear of being 'discovered'.  I've thought many times: I wish I could just snuggle up to with this man.  I get images of a cat, a puppy, or a small child that gets to snuggle up with the person.  There's nothing sexual about it in my mind, at least at first.  Really, all I want is simply some loving, affecitonate touch from another man.

Now, when that desire/need/want/whatever to connect with another man via touch gets frustrated in some way, then things start to go haywire.  It can get frustrated by me listening to those lies and being too afraid to ask.  It can also be frustrated if the man I experience that desire toward is a man that I see only once, or perhaps it is a man that I hardly get to see at all.  In one case, it's a man that I've had some past 'sexual' experiences with, and has requested that we not spend time together.  When the frustration sets in, the craving for the touch doesn't go away, instead it starts to go haywire.  It could become a sexual idea.  I could have fantasies about it.  I could end up going numb or distant from my need for touch.  Basically, it's not very healthy for me.

Am I wanting something that I just can't have?  I've thought many times that the other gender attracted men around me just aren't equipped to give me what I want/need/desire.  I've consigned myself to accepting the what men are able to give me.

Now, I'm not saying that I have no opportunities at all for healthy touch.  It seems to primary come from two sources: men who also experience same gender attraction and children (I know a little girl that loves to have snuggle time with me).  I sometimes feel like I'm ungrateful for the opportunites for healthy touch that I do get, because I find myself wanting/longing for something more, something else.

Well, tonight I got pretty desperate for some kind of 'cuddle buddy' so I decided to do a Google Search on it.  That's when I found this post by a man (I stole the title of the post for this blog post):

http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Want-A-Cuddle-Buddy/1445353

I was surprised that there was a man who was sexually attracted to women, but who also liked to have 'cuddle time' with other men, a straight man who's love language was touch, but wasn't weirded out by touching other men.  I was blown away by the story.  As I laid down to sleep.  I came to feel that maybe it was the Lord's way of saying 'Hey, I know what you need.  Have hope.  There are men like that out there.'  I remember praying that I could somehow find someone like that.

I hope the Lord answers my prayer.  Really, the whole touch/cuddle desire of mine has very little to do with sex.  It's all about wanting to feel loved and affirmed by another man.  Although sometimes it does feel like I want something that I can't have.  Can't have because it's "against the gospel" or can't have because I haven't found the right man to do that with.  I'll try to have hope.  I just wish it didn't take so long for some prayers to be answered.

Bouncing Around In My Head 30Nov2011

I'm feeling a lot better.  It's amazing how much of a different two days will make for how I feel about things.  Some devoted scripture study, talking with some friends, spending some quality guy time has really helped.  It feels like prayers have been answered and the spirit is back in my life.  I'm very grateful for that.  I feel like I'm finally feeling again.  I've been feeling more peace lately.

As an enjoyable by product, I've been having some scriptures run through my head.  I heard them during our Elder's Quorum lesson.  One of them is Mosiah 4:30.  Another is Mosiah 3:19.  Yet another is James 1:5.  James 1:5 is a recent addition.  I've been pondering over the last few days on what it means to 'put off' the natural man.  I'm realizing more than ever that I need to submit myself to the workings of the spirit.  According to Mosiah 4:30, and the recommendation of my bishop, I've been trying to watch my thoughts.  The criteria that I've been trying to apply is "Does this thought bring me closer or further away from Heavenly Father?".  I have been feeling a greater outpouring of the spirit.

James 1:5 is a newer addition to my set of scriptures bouncing around in my head.  I had a friend ask me last night "What are you doing with your attractions?"  I realized that I hadn't come to any kind of definitive sort of answer.  After talking with a second friend, I realize I haven't quite accepted the fact that having same gender attraction could be a trial or a cross.  I realize I've been trying for so long to make it 'go away'.  Something I want to focus on is learning to accept the fact that I have these feelings.  I also want to stop asking the 'Why?' question so much.  I want to know more of the 'How does the Lord want me to deal with this?'  That's where James 1:5 comes in.  The church has some very clear teachings on when the power of procreation is meant to be used and the Law of Chastity.  I've found that some things lead me into a gray area.

The big question that I had been struggling over is "Is it appropriate for me to date other men? Is it appropriate for me to pursue a non-sexual romantic relationship with a man?"  After some thought and prayer, I feel like it isn't appropriate for me to entertain or pursue romance with another man.  My thoughts told me that a romantic relationship with a man would only lead me to either pain or the desire to become sexually involved with the other man.  I've decided to follow the promptings I've received and not 'date' other men.

Of course, 'bromance' and spending time with friends is something else entirely.  I'm still going to do that!

Double Binds

Many times in my life, I've felt like I've been stuck in something called a 'double bind'.  To explain, I'll give an example.  I was at a nephew's birthday party and my brother-in-law's father came over to talk to me.  He knows that I am single, but not about my same gender attraction.  He asked me what I did.  I replied that I was working.  He asked me if I had any plans.  I replied with 'Not really'.  At this point, little alarms were going off in my head.  I was starting to get a sense of fear.  He was treading dangerously close to some very sensitive areas.  He then asked if my mission president had talked to me about things to do after my mission, or something to that effect.  At this point, I felt torn between two extremes.  One was anger.  On one hand, I wanted to lash out and tell him it was none of his business if I was married/dating/engaged/whatever.  On the other, I just wanted him to leave me alone.  Finally, I got up and walked away, ending the conversation, leaving in the middle of another of his invasive questions.

Perhaps another example: ideally while growing up, a young boy will learn how to be a man from his father.  His father is mean, angry, has a temper.  His mother tells the boy 'Don't be like your father!'  Or the boy himself decides he doesn't want to be like his father.  He develops a sense of disconnection and loathing from manhood and masculinity.  He will find that he will grow older and begin to share physical/emotional/behavioral characteristics with his father.  He may be stuck between choosing to accept the fact that he is male, accepting that he is something that he has loathed all his life, 'becoming his father'.  Or he can tell himself a lie, that he isn't male.  That he's something else.  He is stuck in a double bind.

Today, I find myself in a double bind of sorts.  On one hand, I've had thoughts and desires to act out sexually with other men.  On the other hand are the teachings of the church, a church I know to be true.  I  have felt deeply in my heart that the church's teachings are true.  As such, I feel that acting out sexually with another man would be a sin in God's eyes.  I'm in a double bind.

Truth of the matter.  I have more options than the two extremes.  There's more than just complete and total avoidance of connection with men and engaging sexually with another man.  I can connect with other men.  I can develop close relationships with other men without them being sexual.  There is another option than the two that are presented to me.  I think that sometimes it is a tool of the adversary to try to get me to choose between two extremes, when there is a way to satisfy both ends of the agreement.  My biggest struggle seems to be in trying to find ways to walk that middle path without erring on either side of the line.

Small Rays of Sunshine 6Nov2011

After writing the post on self disgust, I went into a pretty black mood.  I don't know where it came from.  Maybe I've been ignoring that self disgust so much that it all overcame me in a wave.  Maybe writing up that post made me feel black.  It was hard to think straight, or even think at all.  My emotions seemed to be highly dampened.  I felt depressed and just felt like I was caught in a mire.

I went to church anyways.  I think that was a good choice.  I remember praying during fast and testimony meeting for help.  I wanted to overcome the feelings I had.  I didn't like feel miserable or trapped.  I didn't like feeling stuck.  I hate feeling stuck.

Finally, just before I had to conduct the music of Elders Quorum, I felt something warm and light inside.  I was so grateful for a break in the cloud.

I was driving to a family dinner, and I felt worried.  I was planning on telling my two older sisters that I had same gender attraction.  I reminded myself that my sisters loved me and that my family loves me.  Then I felt another overwhelming wave of warmth and light inside me.  I thought to myself "Isn't it nice to have a break in the clouds?"  The thought arose that this wouldn't last forever and I ignored it.  Instead, I simply wanted to enjoy the warmth and the light for as long as it lasted.

I told my sisters and they were both understanding.  One came and wrapper her arm around me and hugged me in close.  They both had questions, well, one had a lot of questions about what kind of therapy and work I was doing.  It was a very positive experience.  I actually enjoyed that time with the family.  The chaos of having 8 nieces and nephews running around, crying, shouting, screaming, and playing.  I helped washed the dishes.  The food was excellent.

The experience of telling my sisters was so positive that I started to wonder why I hadn't done that before.  I immediately stifled that thought.  I knew that if I entertained the "Why did I wait so long to..." thought, that I would simply get upset and disgusted with myself again.  I didn't want to feel that.  I instead wanted to enjoy how I was feeling at that moment.

When I was leaving, feeling happy, the thought came again that "This doesn't last".  I again tried to ignore that thought.  Now that the black mood has passed, I can see that pessimism was heavily involved.  When I feel bad, I think I'm going to feel like that forever.  My pessimism states that my life is a sea of black with some brief moments of light.  When I feel happy, my pessimism states that it won't last.  In fact, it says that when I wake up, I'm going to be all grumpy and in a bad mood again.

Well, that was partially true.  Although, I think I realized that again this morning.  I need to look at, and celebrate what is good in life.  For instance, I was totally tickled pink by the fact I had a loofah in the shower this morning.  Later, I was amused by the fact that I could see my breath this morning.  I looked back at an experience that seemed 'negative' and saw that I learned to trust in the Lord more because of the experience.

Instead of looking at something and thinking "What's wrong?" I can think "What's right?".  Instead of looking back and saying "What was I thinking?" I can say "What was I learning?".

I am grateful that Heavenly Father answers prayers.  I'm also grateful that he responds to fasts.  I was actually fasting that my family would be understanding and open to what I had to share.

Eternal Frustration - Body Shame

This post is a difficult one to write.  First, I want to give a disclaimer on this post.  Some of things I will share will be very emotionally charged for me.  They may even trigger strong emotional reactions in you as well.  Please, take care of yourself.  If it's too much for you, please stop reading and find a trusted person to talk with, go exercise, or do something to help yourself process it.

Again, this is difficult for me to write about this.  The thing I am about to share is very personal.  I am afraid of how this information will be used.  I have a fear that this information could be used to exploit me or to take advantage of me somehow.  I also fear that men who read this, and know me personally, will withdraw because they may think I'm attracted to them.  I'm also afraid those will start asking me if I am attracted to them.  I've thought of writing this post many times, but today seems like the day to do it.  At this point, I'm glad that this blog is still under an anonymous name, although that could change in the future.

Today, I want to write about something that has been a large frustration for me in my life, at least ever since I remember being an adult.  The worse part about it, is that I largely can not do anything about it.  Hence, why I call it the 'Eternal Frustration'.

The issue is body image.  It relates to how I look at my body, all aspects of it.  At least since Junior High school, I remember looking at the other guys in my gym class and comparing myself to them.  I've struggled with a perception that my body isn't masculine or that it isn't a mans body.  Sometimes I feel like I've been eternally trapped in a boys body, even though I am an adult.  I've felt physically inferior often to the men around me.

I've worked on my body shame.  I've done some pretty deep work and processing.  Yet, it still keeps coming back.  I guess no matter how much work I do, my body still won't look like what I think an 'ideal' male body should look like.  I can change how I think about things, but the moment I begin to compare myself to other men, the old idea of my body being 'unmasculine' will resurface.  That comes along with a sense of inadequacy and inferiority.  With those, comes along feelings of attraction toward men I feel have more masculine bodies.

To step deeper in the realm of fear, I want to speak of different areas of the body.  I could feel inadequate in these areas, or they could be areas I notice about other men.  Again, take a look at the disclaimer at the beginning of this post.  This will be brutally honest.  Some things may come across as being vague, mostly because attraction, for me, doesn't always follow an exact pattern.

One of the first things that I notice about another man is usually his overall size and body shape.  I'm not a big man myself by any stretch of the imagination.  I have a small frame.  I'm of average height.  I am not muscle bound or overweight in any way.  I've found when another man is taller, bigger than me, or has broader shoulders than me, there is a possibility that I'm going to be attracted to the man.  I've discovered that this sometimes shows up when I'm subconsciously trying to find a father figure or a protector.  Because I've always struggled to connect to my father, I find myself attracted to men that seem to fit my idea of the father I want.

If for some reason I judge another man as being strong, I can feel attracted to him as well.  I've found from helping people to move, or in other situations, that I can't quite bring the same strength to bear that other men can.  This leads me to feeling inferior or inadequate as a man.  I've noticed that I also try to appease or befriend men that I perceive are strong.  One reason for that is that I want to feel safe with them, because otherwise they would be dangerous.  Another reasons is so that they can keep me safe, because I judge that I can't defend myself, or keep myself safe.  It's an extension of my desire to find a 'father figure' or protector of sorts.

Something that I don't always notice, is the size of men's hands.  I judge that I have small hands, that my hands aren't masculine and that they are boyish.  I also judge that my hands are weak, and that they don't have as much strength as another man.  When a man has bigger hands, I judge that his are more masculine or more powerful than mine.

Now to speak on things that feel even more charged and scary for me.  It's something that seems to come into play pretty often.  I find myself drawn to men that I judge have big, masculine, or powerful chests.  Honestly, it's an area that I feel very inadequate in.  I am somewhat of a late bloomer, so I didn't have very much muscle in general until I was in my 20's.  By then, I always found myself admiring any man that had any kind of definition in their chest area.  I judge that to be something very masculine, and something that I lack.  I feel myself drawn to men like that.  This same thing also applies less frequently to another man's arms, and even more rarely to another man's legs.

Related to a previous post, I feel drawn to men who have chest hair.  I feel like I don't have much, or more accurately, I feel like I don't have enough.  This extends to body hair in other places like my stomach or my arms.  I judge that I either don't have enough, or that I don't have the right kind, or etc.  Hence, I have a draw to men I judge have 'enough' or more than me.

My area of deepest shame is around my penis, or more specifically its size.  Personally, I feel I've done some work around this.  This area of the body seems to symbolize for me manhood and masculinity.  It feels like the crux of everything it is to be a man.  I honestly do feel ashamed about it, and I even feel ashamed that I feel ashamed about it.  I try to push it so far out of sight that it's not the first thing I think about when I consider my body shame, although it definitely is one of the more important points for me.

Body shame has been a tricky beast to tackle for me.  I've tried working out or doing specific work and processing around it to change how I think about myself and my body.  I've found that ridding myself of it completely has been tricky.  It always seems to come back.  I find myself slipping back into comparing myself to other men.  Hence, I call this the 'Eternal Frustration'.  No matter how many weights I lift, I'll never be able to grow another few inches, never be able to have giant pecs, or never be able to have arms as big around as some men's legs.  I believe my challenge is learning to accept what I've been given, even though I may admire what another man has.

Easier said than done.  Always easier said than done.