Music That Speaks To Me - Better Than A Hallelujah by Amy Grant

I was driving in this morning, and this song came to play on the radio.  Lately, I've been struggling a lot with my faith.  I've adopted a somewhat apathetic approach toward the church, partially because I've felt misunderstood in something.  I had made a risk, a misguided attempt to make things 'work' that fell outside of the lines of the gospel.  Many times when I've shared it, I felt like I didn't get a chance to fully explain what had been going on or why I did what  I did.

That aside, I've felt a lot of anger, rebelliousness, and bitterness.  I'm surprised that I still go to church each week sometimes.  I've actually felt a lot less stress about life and my attractions in general.  I don't know if that's related to my general sense of apathy toward the church.  On the other hand, I've felt a better sense of connection toward my ward.  I don't feel as much shame being around the other elder's in the quorum.  I'm really excited about a new calling that I have to teach in the Elder's Quorum.

This morning, I also had a strange dream.  I was at some kind of part or gathering.  A man was speaking.  I remember I found him somewhat attractive and that he was a straight (opposite gender attraction) person.  I remember him stating that he didn't mind touching and holding men.  I remember feeling very drawn to that.  Mostly because it was something that I've felt cravings for in the past.  Some kind of safe, nonsexual connection with another man.  In the dream, I never mustered up the courage to go ask the man if he would be willing to hold me.

This song is about those prayers that come from the bitter, broken, or hurt places of people's lives and hearts.  I think it's a beautiful song, reminding me that Heavenly Father loves to hear about my misery as well as my joy.  He wants to hear about my heartache and what makes my heart whole.  In short, He wants to hear everything I have to say to Him, because He loves me.

Lyrics:

God loves a lullaby 
In a mother's tears in the dead of night 
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes. 
God loves the drunkard's cry, 
The soldiers plea not to let him die 
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes. 


We pour out our miseries 
God just hears a melody 
Beautiful the mess we are 
The honest cries of breaking hearts 
Are better than a Hallelujah. 


The woman holding on for life, 
The dying man giving up the fight 
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes 
Tears of shame for what's been done, 
The silence when the words won't come 
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes. 


We pour out our miseries 
God just hears a melody 
Beautiful the mess we are 
The honest cries of breaking hearts 
Are better than a Hallelujah.


Better than a church bell ringing, 
Better than a choir singing out, singing out.


We pour out our miseries 
God just hears a melody 
Beautiful the mess we are 
The honest cries of breaking hearts 
Are better than a Hallelujah.


We pour out our miseries 
God just hears a melody 
Beautiful the mess we are 
The honest cries of breaking hearts 
Are better than a Hallelujah.


Better than a Hallelujah sometimes
Better than a Hallelujah
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes
[From http://www.klove.com/music/artists/amy-grant/songs/better-than-a-hallelujah-lyrics.aspx]

My Therapist And Sandwiches

Lately, as you may know from reading my other blog posts, I've been struggling a lot with depression, fear, sadness, grief, lots of things related to my life and especially same gender attraction.  I remember about two months ago asking my Heavenly Father 'What would you have me do?' speaking about my same gender feelings.  I suddenly feel like He may have given me another piece of insight along my path.

I had a visit with my therapist today.  After explaining how I'd been feeling, he asked me what I would like to work on.  Surprisingly, my mind went blank (there had been a number of things on my mind on the drive there).  He suggested that we sit down and read and article together written by Mitch Mayne.  Some information on Mitch Mayne: he is an active Latter Day Saint who is openly gay, as he puts it.  Here is a link to his blog: http://mitchmayne.blogspot.com/

My therapist brought over his iPad and sat down right next to me on the couch so that our shoulders were touching.  I gave a small gasp of surprise, but he didn't seem to notice or care.  We than began to read this article: http://mitchmayne.blogspot.com/2011/12/spirituality-and-social-justice-remarks.html  Go ahead and take some time to read it.  It's very well spoken.

One of his points that stuck out is that being a Latter Day Saint is more than a religion, it's more of an ethnicity.  We have our own 'culture' so to speak.  I really liked that point.  He also spoke how teachings of the church, especially ones about family, sink deep into our spirits.  It becomes part of our spiritual DNA.  Or how I would put it, it awakens that part of our spiritual DNA that speaks to the importance of families.

One paragraph that struck me emotionally was under the heading 'Why the LGBT issue is of such importance to Mormons: The culture'. Take a look at the third paragraph which speaks about LDS children who experience same gender attraction and have been kicked out of their homes because of their attractions.  He speaks about the deep feelings of loss that those people experience.  My therapist turned to me and asked me to talk about it.

I can totally relate.  I have felt, growing up, like I wasn't 'part' of my own family, like my parents weren't my own.  Maybe physically I was there in a family unit, but emotionally I was not.  For at least a portion of my teenage and adult years, I haven't felt like part of my family.  In a sense, I've lost that.

Also, I am single.  Growing up, the dream, the ideal, the want of every 'perfect' 'righteous' Latter Day Saint youth was the grow up and be sealed in the temple and then have a family.  I don't have that.  I don't know if words could suffice for the deep, piercing feelings of loss that brings, of having this one dream never materialized.

The second paragraph that hit me was very profound.  I didn't recognize the blog post until we came to this paragraph.  Fourth paragraph from the end he states this:

"I don’t want to leave people with the impression that I am changing my orientation to be Mormon. Or that I am changing my faith to be gay. Neither of those things is true. I am a gay man, and gay men are emotionally and intimately attracted to other men. That has not changed, and it won’t change. And likewise, part and parcel of being Mormon is I’ve always strived to live my life in accordance with what I understand my savior’s will for me to be, and that hasn’t changed either."

Before that, he spoke about belong to 'both' the gay and Mormon worlds.  My therapist turned to me and asked me about it about the same time when the implications of what the paragraph meant.   I could embrace both my religion and my attractions.  I could make them work together.  I could have both in my life.  Then I realized that for many years I've tried to stifle, strangle, surpress, and ulitmately kill my attractions.  And it hasn't worked.  I've been waiting for them to magical go away after certain things occured.  I told myself "On my mission, they'll go away", "If I date a girl, they'll go away", "If I go to Journey Into Manhood, they'll go away".  Honestly, it hasn't just "gone away".

Finally, I feel like I've come to a point where maybe accepting and allowing the attraction to be part of me is what Heavenly Father has wanted me to do with them.  That doesn't mean acting out sexually on the attractions.

The last paragraph that struck me was the final one.  It says the following: "It takes a strong spirit to be gay in this life. It takes a remarkable one to be a gay Mormon. Never doubt for a moment you are anything less than remarkable. For that is most certainly how our Father in heaven views you."

As we talked about it, I realized something I've felt in myself for years.  I've always had a part of me that refused to give up, a resilience or stubborness inside of me.  I realize now that is probably part of my spirit.  I've been through pain, heartache and loss.  I've put myself through agony and fed myself lies.  And yet, my spirit still continues to move onward.  My therapist then compared my journey to the pioneer's.  I'm going to a place that I've never seen before.  I've only heard that it's a good place.  He said "Where you're going, you don't even know what it's going to look like!"  Honestly, I have no idea what it would mean to embrace and accept my attractions or how it will be after I do this.  As my therapist said the pioneers did, I need to put my trust in the love and vision that my Heavenly Father has for me.

My therapist left me with two profound things to ponder:

• Same gender attraction may be part of my mortal experience forever.
• Women can become potential friends and possibly even girlfriends/wives, but only if I put effort into it.

As for the sandwiches part of my title, my therapist said that LGBT always sounds like a kind of sandwich.  That's when I looked at it and said 'Lettuce, grapes, bacon, tomatoes'.  He got a kick out of that.  The article also mentioned LGBTQ.  I was at a bit of a loss for a food item that started with Q.  To be honest, the first word I thought of was 'queer'.  Then I realize that Queiso would work.  Also interesting is that my therapist talks about a 'menu' of choices.

In life, there are a variety of experiences I am given.  Some I choose, some I don't choose.  It's much like eating a meal.  In order for me to be healthy, I have to have a balanced meal.  Let's say I enjoy some things, but hate others.  Some things are not delicious but are still healthy for me.  For instance, let's say I didn't like vegetables (I actually really like most vegetables).  If I didn't eat any, I'd probably risk not having my body run at top performance.  If I eat them, sure, it tastes nasty for the moment but there's a long term benefit.  Trials and tribulations are like vegetables, and often times, I don't get to pick which vegetable I eat.  Same Gender Attraction is one of those vegetables that I don't think I picked, but it is still served to me each and every day.  If I ignore it, and throw it away, I'll miss out on the growth and the strength I can receive by working through it.

It's something I will ponder.  I have the feeling that exploring this new idea of living in 'both' worlds will bring me a greater sense of peace and wholeness.

The Demons Come In Sideways

First off, this post is a scary one to write.  I feel like I may be writing about some thoughts and ideas that I've never shared before.  Also, I feel like I may be sharing one of the devils tricks.  Also, I'm afraid of some of the ramifications of what I want to share in this post.

Last night started out normal, and slowly turned into something very painful.  Typically on Thursday nights, I go and play computer games with some friends.  Last night ended with me tweeting some very scary things.  I'll start with those:

"The battlefield of the mind is a dynamic place.  One moment, things are calm.  The next, legions of demons emerge from the shadows."
"At first, the demons smile disarmingly, disabling defenses and setting all at ease."
"Then they slip sideways into thoughts, planing corrupt, poisoned seeds of lies that spread like a virus."
"Finally when the person has started to succumb to the poison, they try to crush the person with darkness and despair."

Last night, I was heading home on what I thought would be a typical night.  Rush home, grab my computer, and rush to hang to with the friends.  It would be an enjoyable evening where we ran around together in the game and laughed and struggled through it together.  At least, that was what I was hoping for.  I wanted to try to get to where we were meeting early to see if I could finish a book that I've been reading for the past month or so.

When I got home, I had a surprised.  There were a lot more people in the front room than I expected.  To explain, I live with a family of four.  Sitting on the couch was the father, as well as another man I knew, as well as some of both of their children sitting in chairs.  I was so shocked, I didn't recognize the other man for a few moments.  He smiled and said 'hi'.  In a daze, I think I said 'hi' to the man and his wife and went into my room to prepare my computer for transport.

By then, the demons had slipped out of the shadows.  Without realizing it, the negative self talk had started in my head:

Why is that family visiting? It seems that the two families are becoming good friends.  I feel kind of left out.  Well, that's my fault.  I'm hardly home and I hardly like to spend time with the family anyways.  The two guys seem to have a really good friendship going on.  I guess I'm not the kind of person that the other man was looking for.  I guess I'm not good enough.

It happened so quickly.  I became pretty withdrawn, and felt like I was a shadow moving through the place I lived.  Although I did want to give both of those men I knew, who are my friends, hugs before I left, I instead left the scene as quickly as I could, listening away to the lies in my head:

Oh, I don't want to do that in front of either of the wives.  What will they think of me?  Will they think I'm trying to hit on them?  Trying to make a pass?

It was when I was driving away when I finally realized I was listening to some of the oldest lies I've told myself for years.  "People don't care about me.  I'm not good enough.  I'm not worth love and affection."  I tried to counter it with truths I knew, but the poison had set in.  I felt sad.  I felt lonely.

I arrived at the game night, and it wasn't anything like I had hoped it to be.  Me and the 3 other guys were all doing different things in different places in the games.  It was incredibly lonely.  I made a few snarky jokes on and off, feeling vaguely angry that we weren't all together in the game, yet I didn't do anything about that fact.

As I was driving home, the sadness and the loneliness had set in.  My mind started to wonder.

There are deer along this part of the road.  What if I hit one of them?  I could die.  Mom would be there at my funeral crying.  Dying wouldn't be so bad.  I'd be free from the pain I have here, this grief and pain.

That's when I shook my head and realized I was fantasizing.  Still, I felt a deep pain in my heart.  I was crying.  I was sad, hurting, overcome by grief, a combination of the pain of loneliness, and the pains of a guilty conscious.  I knew I was guilty of so many different sins.  It felt like my heart was breaking.

As I carried my computer back into where I live, I felt dark, crushing despair.  It was like something was trying to squeeze the hope out of me. It was a struggle to breath, and I managed to unlock the house and get inside.  As I went back for the rest of the computer, I didn't want to go back inside.  I knew the demons were out there.  Finally, I was able to get everything in my house.

I was tempted with various things.  One thought said 'Oh, set up your computer, look at some pornography. You'll feel better.'  Another said 'Why don't you masturbate?  It's the only time you're really loving yourself!  After all, only you love yourself.'  And even, there was a few thoughts about trying to end my life.  I'm very scared to admit, but I did consider it for a moment, and even thought of way to do it.

All through this, I was praying.  I was trying to connect.  I honestly don't know why I didn't feel an answer.  I laid down, texting two friends of mine.  The pain was still there.  Tears were still streaming down my face.  Many times I whimpered because of the pain.  Sometimes, I just wanted to implode on the spot and stop being because it felt like too much.  I don't ever remember falling asleep.

This morning, I can still feel that pain in my heart.  I still do feel a sense of guilt over things I've done.  The one sin I was guilty of last night was perpetuating those lies I've told myself all the years and for listening to those demons.  Honestly, I am afraid.  I feel afraid whenever thoughts of suicide come up.  I honestly feel like I'm too much of a coward to actually do anything like that.  I also realize it would cause a great deal of pain to many people that I love.  At what point though, does the pain get to be too much?  I honestly feel like I am getting near some kind of breaking point.  Something has to give.  There's something in me that needs to break before I can move on from whatever it is I've been going through the last day, week, month...time period.

For now, I'm going to keep moving and try to feel my way through this pain.

Toxic Shame, Deep-set Lies

This will be a difficult post to write for me.  Not difficult because I'm afraid to share it.  Difficult because of the pain I know that it's going to touch on.  Once more, into the breach.

In my support group this week, I did something where I looked into events where I had felt shamed.  Sometime soon, I'll have to start up a series of posts called 'From the Memory Vault' where I share things from my past that I'm able to remember.  I actually have a draft for one, but I'm too afraid to share it.  I'm frankly worried about how I could explain it without the event becoming too pornographic.  Here's a list of some of the shameful memories that I was able to remember this week:

• In kindergarten, I colored a hand purple.  The teacher had me re-color it because it was the 'wrong color'.
• In kindergarten, my teacher found my lunch, raised it up, asked who's it was.  I raised my hand and she didn't see me, and it caused trouble later.
• I was forced to recount in front of the whole primary a time when I didn't come when my mother called
• At 8, I was told 'He shouldn't have gone in there!' by a man at the front desk of a military locker room, after I had gone in with my dad
• My dad telling me, at 8-9 years old, "If you were older, you would have needed to talk to a bishop"
• Various events with yelling and throwing of toys
• Me getting caught playing the Legend of Zelda early in the morning...Sunday morning
• Me getting in trouble for spitting on a girl

That was the list of memories of shame that I had from this group.  As a kid, these were some of the messages that I got:

• I don't belong here
• I'm not valued
• I don't belong with men
• I don't matter
• I do everything wrong
• I'm always in trouble
• You don't care.

At some point early in my life, I decided that people didn't care about me.  I must have started ignoring any attempts by people around me to love and care about me.  Even if I was able to perceive it, I would eventually rationalize it away.  In short, I was detached from the people around me.  I figured, if they don't care about me, why should I care about them?  I decided to go off and live in a fantasy world.  At the same time, I became a 'people pleaser'.  I did whatever it took to make people leave me alone.  I would satisfy people and try not to draw attention to myself.  I did my best in school for fear of 'doing things wrong'.  I remember being mortified the first time I was late to a class in my life.


I delved a bit deeper into that first memory I shared.  At one point, I came to the realization that my teacher didn't care about me.  No one seemed to care about me growing up.  I was just another warm body.  I was an object in the room.  And deep down, all I wanted as a kid was to feel special, loved, noticed, cared for, delighted in.

I also got some good insight into one of my 'flavors' of attraction.  I generally feel attracted to men bigger than me, to men that I judge are stronger than me.  I also feel afraid around them, intimidated by them.  It's an interesting internal conflict.  I think it goes back to feeling shamed by various adults in my life.  I wanted to feel loved by them, and instead I felt shamed by them.  To this day, I find myself seeking that love and approval from the 'big men', from the 'adults'.  I still want and crave that acceptance, affection, affirmation, ...love from them.  That flavor of attraction is one of the hardest to 'shake off'.  It's one of the hardest to resolve for me, probably because it's very deeply set.

Last night, I went to hang out with some friends.  As soon as I showed up, they said 'hi', but then went back to talking with each other.  I felt that same story come up. 'They don't care.  They've never cared.  You're just another person to them'.  I tried to compensate by smiling and making jokes.  On the way home, I felt lonely.  As I was driving, I was looking at the world around me, admiring Heavenly Father's handiwork.  A thought came to me: yes, this is a manifestation of His love.  But, it's a manifestation of His love to everyone.  It's a blanket statement.  It's sent out generally to everyone.  I do acknowledge there have been a few times when I have seen tender mercies in my life, when I have felt that I was specifically cared for.  Somehow...I'm just not feeling it right now.

This morning, it finally hit me.  The same idea 'You don't care' shows up in my relationship with my Heavenly Father.  When I pray, I tell myself that I'm just another warm body to Him.  No wonder the heaven's have felt so closed.  No wonder I feel like I've slipped through the cracks and have fallen of His radar.  I keep telling myself the same lie.

The same lie that has been lodged deep in my psyche.

I've even tried telling myself positive stories.  Sure, they help for awhile, but the same old lie creeps up and slowly strangles my attempts at changing how I think.  The poison is set deep.

Now I sit here, feeling empty, with the beginnings of tears in my eyes.  I don't even know if I can see the depth of this wound that was dealt to me.  I feel angry that I've continued to tell myself the same lie.  I'm angry that I made the choice to feel ashamed and to detach while I was young.  I feel like I've screwed up my life by making the choices I did.  "It's all my fault".  I chose to react the way I did.  I chose to detach.  It's my choice, I have to live with the consequences.

Perhaps I'm not heeding the saying that I came up with while talking with a friend a few weeks ago.  The saying is 'You're supposed to carry your cross, not nail yourself to it!'  I need to find a way to carry the burden this lie has created without it paralyzing me.  And ultimately, I need to find out how to heal it and how to surrender it.  There is a way.  I believe that there is healing through Christ's Atonement.  There is strength there, and there is grace.  There is forgiveness and love.  My heart feels too afraid to trust.  It's been hurt so many times before. I keep hurting it by feeding it the same lie, and yet I keep sheltering it from any outside attempt to heal it.

Sounds like madness to me.

White Knuckling It 6Dec2011

It's been about 4 months or so since I last had a problem looking at pornography.  By pornography, I mean something that nearly any (sane) person would call pornographic.  I haven't had a problem with masturbation for over two weeks.

I've been tempted many times to give in to both evils.  Sometimes I started to entertain the ideas.  I've found myself looking at pictures that aren't healthy for me in this state.  Just last weekend, I started watching some videos that weren't good for me either.  I was flirting with the line.  I was putting myself into fire.  Thankfully, a friend messaged me on Facebook.  I felt a sense of guilt and shame at having been watching something like that.  I closed the browser tab and talked with him a bit.

This morning, the temptation came again to give in.  I paused for a moment, made sure I was looking at what was going on around me, and tried to tap into what I was feeling.  Sadness, depression and a feeling of warmth inside.  Heavenly Father does know what's going on with me.  He knows what my needs are. When I'm not taking care of my needs or letting Heavenly Father take care of what needs I can't take care of on my own, I'm far more vulnerable to being tempted to 'take care' of my needs with something counterfeit.  In fact, many times when I've been tempted I've thought "Yeah, that will feel good for a moment, but I'll be even worse afterward".

One need that I've been struggling to meet is getting adequate sleep.  I feel tired at night until the moment my head hits the pillow.  I then get a feeling of longing.  I want someone to snuggle up to.  I want to be held by someone until I fall asleep.  I find my mind going into fantasy and the temptation to masturbate grows.  For instance, last night I had to open my eyes many times to get a good dose of reality.  I had to remind myself that I was along in the room.  I had to tap back into my feelings of exhaustion.  After some struggle, I was able to fall asleep.  Lack of sleep really doesn't help with my overall mood.

Another contributing factor is the fact of physical pain.  I've been having some strange and particularly annoying headaches lately, accompanied by pain in my shoulders and neck.  I went and got a massage last Saturday, but that didn't seem to help much.  The whole area either feels tight, or burns.  The feelings of pain come and go.  I'm sure this may be from stress related to my job and trying to figure out life problems.

Another need I feel is lacking is the need to connect with other men.  This need seems to be plastered all over my thoughts and actions.  My primary way of feeling connected to another person is through touch.  I have all sorts of fear, beliefs, and stories around touch that make things difficult.  Sometimes I feel like I'm having to 'sneak in' getting touch.  Sometimes it feels like it's something that can only be done in 'secret'.  On particularly difficult days, I find myself believing that wanting to be touched or wanting to touch another man in any way is 'bad'.

On a related note, yesterday I had to carpool with some men from my work.  Three of us had to squeeze into the back seat.  Both of the other men were bigger than, one by quite a bit.  Needless to say, it was a bit uncomfortable.  The man on my left finally put his arm around the seat behind me.  The man on the right kept moving himself away as far as possible to 'give me space'.  Honestly, I would have been totally happy with him putting his arm around me.  I really wanted him to.  Yet, how could I ask something like that?  I honestly was afraid of what the man would think of me?  Was it 'bad' that I wanted this guys arm around me?  Was it bad that I liked how it did feel to sit right next to him and the other man?

I feel like I'm getting desperate to figure out how to handle this need.  On the way out of a clothing store, I had a strange urge to walk up to one of the male mannequins and starting rubbing its chest.  I thought it was a little amusing at the time.  Now it feels shameful and disgusting.  It's a similar urge that I get toward other men.

I feel like I'm trying to white knuckle my way through this.  There must be a way to get that need for touch met, without it becoming something sexual or romantic.  There must be a way to give and receive affection with another man without violating any sort of gospel principles.  I'm just having a hard time seeing it right now.  I pray that God will help me find the answers soon.  I pray I'll find the answers.

Bouncing Around In My Head 30Nov2011

I'm feeling a lot better.  It's amazing how much of a different two days will make for how I feel about things.  Some devoted scripture study, talking with some friends, spending some quality guy time has really helped.  It feels like prayers have been answered and the spirit is back in my life.  I'm very grateful for that.  I feel like I'm finally feeling again.  I've been feeling more peace lately.

As an enjoyable by product, I've been having some scriptures run through my head.  I heard them during our Elder's Quorum lesson.  One of them is Mosiah 4:30.  Another is Mosiah 3:19.  Yet another is James 1:5.  James 1:5 is a recent addition.  I've been pondering over the last few days on what it means to 'put off' the natural man.  I'm realizing more than ever that I need to submit myself to the workings of the spirit.  According to Mosiah 4:30, and the recommendation of my bishop, I've been trying to watch my thoughts.  The criteria that I've been trying to apply is "Does this thought bring me closer or further away from Heavenly Father?".  I have been feeling a greater outpouring of the spirit.

James 1:5 is a newer addition to my set of scriptures bouncing around in my head.  I had a friend ask me last night "What are you doing with your attractions?"  I realized that I hadn't come to any kind of definitive sort of answer.  After talking with a second friend, I realize I haven't quite accepted the fact that having same gender attraction could be a trial or a cross.  I realize I've been trying for so long to make it 'go away'.  Something I want to focus on is learning to accept the fact that I have these feelings.  I also want to stop asking the 'Why?' question so much.  I want to know more of the 'How does the Lord want me to deal with this?'  That's where James 1:5 comes in.  The church has some very clear teachings on when the power of procreation is meant to be used and the Law of Chastity.  I've found that some things lead me into a gray area.

The big question that I had been struggling over is "Is it appropriate for me to date other men? Is it appropriate for me to pursue a non-sexual romantic relationship with a man?"  After some thought and prayer, I feel like it isn't appropriate for me to entertain or pursue romance with another man.  My thoughts told me that a romantic relationship with a man would only lead me to either pain or the desire to become sexually involved with the other man.  I've decided to follow the promptings I've received and not 'date' other men.

Of course, 'bromance' and spending time with friends is something else entirely.  I'm still going to do that!

I don't--wait I do! 9Nov2011

I had the most interesting realization last night on the drive home from my support group.

I've always wanted a 'gaming buddy'.  Someone to hang out with and play video games with.  Something I've complained about is how no one at work wants to be my friend 'outside' of work.  Well, last night I realized that two different men at work have expressed a desire for me to join a game called 'League of Legends'.  One of them is actually really interested in the fact that I started it up and 'friended' me.  We were going to play this week, but there were some technical issues and it didn't quite work out.  The other man doesn't know that I've actually joined up with the game.

I find it ironic that I am oftentimes blessed with want or need, but I can't see it.  Reminds me of lyrics from a song that say: "The sun is in your eyes. The sun is in your ears.  But you can't see the son, ever in the darkness."  I feel like the Lord is answering my prayers for more friendship with men.  There's also the fact that people at work and at church seem to be more friendly and warm than normal.  I am grateful for these things.

Paired with this realization that I am more blessed that I acknowledge or am grateful for, is the tendency for me to 'beat myself up' or think negatively myself for not being more aware of my blessings.  The adversary does like to come in and try to disrupt positive things.  For now, though, I think I will enjoy this idea of having two new gaming buddies, and ignore the lie that I am 'bad' for not recognizing it sooner.

Small Rays of Sunshine 6Nov2011

After writing the post on self disgust, I went into a pretty black mood.  I don't know where it came from.  Maybe I've been ignoring that self disgust so much that it all overcame me in a wave.  Maybe writing up that post made me feel black.  It was hard to think straight, or even think at all.  My emotions seemed to be highly dampened.  I felt depressed and just felt like I was caught in a mire.

I went to church anyways.  I think that was a good choice.  I remember praying during fast and testimony meeting for help.  I wanted to overcome the feelings I had.  I didn't like feel miserable or trapped.  I didn't like feeling stuck.  I hate feeling stuck.

Finally, just before I had to conduct the music of Elders Quorum, I felt something warm and light inside.  I was so grateful for a break in the cloud.

I was driving to a family dinner, and I felt worried.  I was planning on telling my two older sisters that I had same gender attraction.  I reminded myself that my sisters loved me and that my family loves me.  Then I felt another overwhelming wave of warmth and light inside me.  I thought to myself "Isn't it nice to have a break in the clouds?"  The thought arose that this wouldn't last forever and I ignored it.  Instead, I simply wanted to enjoy the warmth and the light for as long as it lasted.

I told my sisters and they were both understanding.  One came and wrapper her arm around me and hugged me in close.  They both had questions, well, one had a lot of questions about what kind of therapy and work I was doing.  It was a very positive experience.  I actually enjoyed that time with the family.  The chaos of having 8 nieces and nephews running around, crying, shouting, screaming, and playing.  I helped washed the dishes.  The food was excellent.

The experience of telling my sisters was so positive that I started to wonder why I hadn't done that before.  I immediately stifled that thought.  I knew that if I entertained the "Why did I wait so long to..." thought, that I would simply get upset and disgusted with myself again.  I didn't want to feel that.  I instead wanted to enjoy how I was feeling at that moment.

When I was leaving, feeling happy, the thought came again that "This doesn't last".  I again tried to ignore that thought.  Now that the black mood has passed, I can see that pessimism was heavily involved.  When I feel bad, I think I'm going to feel like that forever.  My pessimism states that my life is a sea of black with some brief moments of light.  When I feel happy, my pessimism states that it won't last.  In fact, it says that when I wake up, I'm going to be all grumpy and in a bad mood again.

Well, that was partially true.  Although, I think I realized that again this morning.  I need to look at, and celebrate what is good in life.  For instance, I was totally tickled pink by the fact I had a loofah in the shower this morning.  Later, I was amused by the fact that I could see my breath this morning.  I looked back at an experience that seemed 'negative' and saw that I learned to trust in the Lord more because of the experience.

Instead of looking at something and thinking "What's wrong?" I can think "What's right?".  Instead of looking back and saying "What was I thinking?" I can say "What was I learning?".

I am grateful that Heavenly Father answers prayers.  I'm also grateful that he responds to fasts.  I was actually fasting that my family would be understanding and open to what I had to share.

Music That Speaks To Me - In The Arms Of An Angel

Every so often, I find a song that I really like and that seems to speak about me and my life.  The song seems to capture a small piece of me and put it to music.  Today's song is just that.

Here is "Arms of the Angel" by Sarah McLacklan.



Lyrics:
Spend all your time waiting for that second chance 
For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel not good enough 
And it's hard at the end of the day 
I need some distraction oh beautiful release 
Memories seep from my veins 
They may be empty and weightless and maybe 
I'll find some peace tonight 

In the arms of an Angel fly away from here 
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear 
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie 
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here


So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn 
There's vultures and thieves at your back 
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies 
That you make up for all that you lack 


It don't make no difference, escaping one last time 
It's easier to believe 
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness 
That brings me to my knees 

In the arms of an Angel far away from here 
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear 
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie 
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here 

You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here
[From: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/s/sarah_mclachlan/#share]


This song almost never fails to bring tears to my eyes.  It resonates so well with my life and how I feel like things.  Most of the time, I find myself waiting for that 'second chance', that 'break' that will somehow make everything ok and good.  Sometimes that 'second chance' takes the form of a best friend that I've always wanted.  Sometimes it looks like being free from same gender attraction.  Sometimes it looks like a father figure taking time to hold me.


Distraction.  I live a good deal of my life distracted from my own emotions.  I find myself always having to "entertain" myself.  Sometimes it does make me feel good. Sometimes I even feel happy and content.  When it's over, feelings of fear, loneliness, and grief tend to come back.  When the 'usual' distractions of video games or YouTube don't work, I turn to more potent numbing agents like fantasy, masturbation, or even pornography.  In some ways, these distractions are a release for me.

Memories are not easy things for me to hold on to.  I have so many emotionally charged memories.  Some that are attached with anger, sadness, fear, rejection, or even memories of experiences that I interpreted as being sexual.  I've found it easier to suppress them, to let them seep away from me.  I have a hard time remembering specific things from my childhood.  It only comes with effort.

The second verse seems to be very applicable.  There are many times I've felt weary of living the gospel, of trying to follow the 'straight line'.  It feels like the world is watching me, waiting for me to slip up.  I feel like I have to keep building lies to keep myself safe from them all.  It's easier to keep slipping back into destructive habits.

Ultimately, it all brings me to my knees.  It brings me to pray.  Many times, I've knelt and prayed for help, for answers, for friends, for guidance, for whatever it was I thought I needed.  Many times, I've looked at other men, and wanted them to rescue me.  I wanted to be rescued from the 'endless' nature of my problems and struggles.  I've wanted so many times to be in the arms of an angel, to be held, to be comforted.

Last night, I went to a fireside.  A man came and set next to me that I hadn't seen in awhile.  I honestly value the man's friendship, but I judge he's a popular guy, so I don't contact him very often.  It was nice to sit next to him, and have him put his arm on the bench behind me.  I wanted, crazy, desired, was that he would put his arm around me.  I wanted him to hold me and to shelter me.  As I was leaving, I saw a second man that I also wanted to hold me.  I've noticed my fantasies as I lay down to sleep seem to have a pattern.  I imagine up something strong and masculine to come and shelter me, to hold me.

Many times, my prayers to be comforted have been answered.  I have felt many times like a divine presence has comforted me, hugged me.  Sometimes it's been with another man in a safe and appropriate location.  It's been incredibly wonderful to be held again.

Even though I tasted of the positive aspect of this, I feel fear and frustration.  Why as an adult man do I crave being held by a father figure?  Shouldn't I be past this?  I think the answer lies in not bonding sufficiently with dad while growing up.  Because I withdrew and detached so early from him, I didn't give him the chance to love and shelter me when it was appropriate.  Part of the answer also may lie in my 'love language'.  I typically feel most loved while being touched.  That definitely is a part of me that needs to be explored in a separate blog post to give it justice.

I pray that soon I'll be able to pull myself from the wreckage, or that an angel is on it's way to help pull me out.  Feels like it's been too long since I've trusted myself into the arms of an angel.