Music That I Like - Blessings by Laura Story

I haven't posted in awhile.  My depression seems to have flared up and it's hard to feel anything.  I've been able to focus more and work the last few days.  Yesterday, I felt myself being mired in bitterness and in resentment.  Resentment toward God and toward me having same gender attraction.  Resentment that my society considers any kind of emotionally intimated relationship between men to be sexual.  The list could go on and on.  I feel a lack of male connection in my life.  I've definitely been isolating, mostly out of habit.  My therapist gave me an 'assignment' to take initiative to do something with a friend at least once a week.  I'm going to see how that goes.

Anyways, the song from today really speaks to me.  Many times, I've found myself 'crying in anger' at God and the world around me, and felt consumed by the hurt and bitterness that I have.  This song somehow touches me, and lets me know that God will find a way to use all my experiences to draw me to Him in love.  Somehow, this song can bypass the bitterness and the depression, and let me feel the longing I have for a connection with God.

Enjoy!



Lyrics:


We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?
[Taken from: http://www.songlyrics.com/laura-story/blessings-lyrics/]

Music That Speaks To My Resolve - Give A Reason

I've recently finished watching an anime series called Slayers (I watched the original, Try, Next, Revolution, and Revolution-R, basically everything on Hulu).  Each of the episodes has an opening and closing song.  I thoroughly enjoyed the series.  The characters seemed have a life of their own.  Each one kept on fighting (sometimes with some encouragement by their friends) despite the odds or the tragedies that happened to them.  Overall, it was a powerful story on the triumph that can come when someone keeps fighting.

Today's song comes from the opening of the Slayers NEXT series.  The title is 'Give a Reason'.  Alas, it's in Japanese, but I'll shared a link to it here:



I'd love to give the lyrics, but alas, they are in Japanese.  I'll share part of a translation here:
Things are moving so fast
The moments ticking by.
I'm running through this city
To me, a savanna.
Like it's struggling
Trying to break free
I wanna test all this power.

I know that "The Answer"
Is out there someplace.
The answer that everyone looks for
From the day they're born.
When all looks lost and there's no escape
I turn to my dreams!

I'm not afraid of getting hurt
But I'm not strong, either.
It's just that I can't stand
Just doing nothing anymore.

Here we go, go!
I'll just run on
And let nobody stop me know.
I wanna find the me in the future
And give her a reason for life!
(Translation was taken from the close captioning for the series on www.hulu.com).

I love this song.  It has a lot of energy and is very enthusiastic.  It reminds me of a recent realization about myself that I've had: that I'm resilient and much more durable than I used to think I was.  I've been through a lot, and I've yet to lay down and completely stop fighting and struggling.  Even when I fall apart, I somehow find the strength to keep going through.

I had a really discussion with a friend about the fact that I've come out publicly on this blog.  I realize that it was really risky situation.  When I made the decision, I realized that I was tired of hiding behind masks, and that I was tired of doing nothing.  I wasn't so much afraid of being hurt further, as I was of continuing to live in pain and shame.  I decided that I was going to stand up and fight, even if it meant possibly drawing more challenges and grief into my life.  As the song lyrics state, I just couldn't stand by and do nothing anymore.  On a related note, I gave my friend a piece of advice.  He's been struggling and I said that he could take some advice by how video game characters react to struggles.  They take time to feel their emotions, work through things, talk about them, and then they keep on fighting.  They always keep struggling.

On a related note, sometimes the struggle I have is to let go and let Heavenly Father step in to help with my life.  Sometimes the struggle is to stand up for myself, even if it's something I haven't done in the past.  Sometimes the struggle is to step into situations that are risky and unfamiliar.  Sometimes it means battling my own thoughts to have thoughts that are elevated and uplifting.

On a personal note, things have been difficult lately.  The procedure that I was worried about was far more pleasant than I imagined.  I'm a bit sore from that.  Outside of that, I've been fighting off the tail end of a cold.  It also feels like I've been challenged in spiritual ways as well.  But like I said before, I'm going to keep on fighting.

On a Slayers related note, my favorite character from the series is Xellos.  This could be major spoilers.  Technically, he should be a villain but often helps the heroes for his own reasons.  He is very powerful, but likes to act via manipulation.  He is very knowledgeable but he doesn't always share everything he knows with the heroes.  One of his iconic lines is 'That's a secret'.  In the later series, the characters start to say it for him.  Hilarious!

Music That Speaks To Me - Everybody's Fool

Perfection.  Perfection is such a lovely, perfect word.  Perfect people are happy.  Perfect people have no flaws.  Perfect people are always smiling.  There's nothing wrong with them.

If I've learned anything in my time here on this earth, there's no such thing as a perfect person.  If I think someone's perfect, I'm obviously closing my eyes to the flaws they may have.  Many times, I've felt like other people see me as a 'perfect' person.  I feel put up on a pedestal.  Sometimes I've put myself on that pedestal.  I've put on that perfect veneer.  I've tried to pretend to be a 'normal', happy, 'perfect' person.

Today's song speaks just to that.  Disclaimer: there is some language in the song.

Lyrics:

perfect by nature
icons of self-indulgence
just what we all need
more lies about a world that

never was and never will be
have you no shame? Don't you see me?
you know you've got everybody fooled

look here she comes now
bow down and stare in wonder
oh how we love you
no flaws when you're pretending
but now i know she

never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled

without the mask where will you hide?
can't find yourself lost in your lie

i know the truth now
i know who you are
and i don't love you anymore

it never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled

it never was and never will be
you're not real and you can't save me
somehow now you're everybody's fool
[Taken from http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/evanescence/everybodysfool.html]

The video takes a big stab at advertisement.  I've always seen advertisements as trying to present some kind of 'perfect' image to consumers.  If you drink this product, you'll be perfect, beatiful, wonderful, loved, etc etc etc.

What a pack of lies.  I've found great amusement when I manage to shake off the spell that advertisements put on me, and really see through the veneer that they've put on things.  There's something enjoyable at ignoring the perfect image that they try to put up.

As for myself, I've been the person who's tried to be 'perfect'.  I've put on many masks in my life.  The most destructive mask I've worn was the 'I'm a perfect person!' mask.  As part of this mask, I have to smile and be happy all the time.  Nothing is ever wrong in my life.  I don't have same gender attraction.  I feel the spirit all the time.  I don't do anything wrong.  I've got 'no flaws when [I'm] pretending'.  Really, I hide my shortcomings.  I hide my struggles.  I'm living a life.  In many ways, I betray myself when I put on this mask.  When I try to live a life that 'never was or never will be', at least in this mortal life.  When I wear the mask of perfection, I'm not loving myself.  After all, how could I be loving a lie?  How could someone else love me, when all they're loving is the mask?

About two and half years ago, reality started to sink in.  I started to realize that I really needed help.  I got a therapist that would actually help me get through my issues.  I went to my first support group.  I started to destroy that mask, although it is a difficult one to destroy.  After all, I've lived for 26 years.  I could probably say that a good majority of that time was spent hiding behind the mask, evading the truth about the world and about myself.  I've spent a long time hiding the truth.

What are some things that hide behind the mask?  Fear.  Pain.  Deep wounding.  Endless cycles of lies that I've told myself.  Sadness.  Anger.  The real me hides behind the mask.  One of my deep fears is that I will not overcome same gender attraction in this life.  I fear that I will have to deal with it until the day that I die.  Even though I've done work, and tried to move past and heal issues, it still lingers.  Many days I see it as a curse.  I hide that fact from everyone around me, even myself.  Some days, I've really got 'everybody fooled' even myself, and thus I am 'everybody's fool'.

The best way to combat any lie is with truth.  To borrow from Jesus, who stated "Ye shall know the truth, and the truth will set you free" John 8:32.  As I've come to know and accept the truth about me, the world, the people around me, Heavenly Father, his gospel, the Atonement, I've found freedom.  Sometimes accepting that truth has been a painful process.  Ultimately, it's healed me and made me free from the lies, free from being everybody's fool.  Or perhaps more accurately, free from being a puppet of the adversary of all that is true, good, and holy.

This had been a difficult post for me.  I hope that I, as well as all of you, can learn to cast of the masks that we wear.  I hope that we together can learn to be more authentic.  I hope we can embrace the truth.  I believe that the truth is the only thing that can heal us and the world around us.

Truth: I am a valued son of Heavenly Father.  Truth: He gave His only perfect Son's life so that I could become perfect as well.  Truth: I am not perfect.  Truth: I have many challenges in life, and they're all meant to lead me toward perfection, and back into the loving embrace of Heavenly Father.

Those are some of the truths that I am learning to embrace.

For more reading, you can read Dan's post from Single Dad Laughing on perfection.  Click here: The disease called perfection.  Enjoy!

A Matter Of Perspective 7Dec2011

I am feeling a whole lot better today.  I had a wonderful talk with my therapist that helped to widen and open up my perspective.

First, he had me do a relaxation technique.  The shoulder/neck pain and headaches were due to my body responding to all the stress I've been feeling lately.  Work, trying to figure out how to handle my attractions toward men, and stressing about giving/receiving appropriate healthy touch with other men has really been taking a toll on my body.  After I was able to relax some, I was able to talk about all those things that were stressing me.

My therapist then asked me what my options were for dealing with my attractions or life in general.  I came up with a list of the following (by no means inclusive of all the options I have):

• Live the lifestyle, having multiple sexual partners
• Live the lifestyle, have one sexual partners
• Live the lifestyle, remain celibate, only date men
• Don't live the lifestyle, have romantic relationships with men
• Don't interact with men at all
• Connect superficially with men
• Connect emotionally with other men
• Be vulnerable with men that I trust
• Pursue a close, vulnerable relationship with God (this option teared me up when I said it)
• Completely ignore God and His will

I'm sure there are many more options that I could pursue in relationship with life and my attractions.  The experience of listing options, as many as I could think of, helped to open my eyes.  I realized that romantic and sexual interactions with men was only a small subset of a larger sphere of possible interactions.  I could do so many other things with men.  As we talked, I couldn't help but here the lie inside 'Oh, but I'm shy.  People don't invite me to do things with them.'  I know that is a lie.  I have friends that do invite me to do things.  I've been a bit of a hermit lately due to the headaches and pain.

My therapist then told me that I seemed to be very focused on men and my attraction to them.  He said he hadn't heard me talk about any girls, specifically a girl that I had been kind of interested in a few months ago.  I can probably count on one hand the number of women that I interact with (by women I mean females older than 9).  Only about three of them are women that I feel comfortable enough to share at least part of what's going on with me, two of those are my sisters and another is my friend's girlfriend.  I realized that I had a large void in my life.  I was totally ignoring the possibility of interacting with women, probably because I simply don't have many opportunities, outside of church and rarely at work, to interact with women.  I've decided that I need to start participating in the local single ward activities.  I go to a family ward currently, and really like the progress I'm making with the bishop.  Hopefully if I start going to some single ward activities, I may find more people around where I live that I can interact with.  Maybe I can even find that mythical, other gender attracted, cuddle buddy I've been looking for.  There's the obsession with men again.

I stated something profound last night.  I know I've heard it before.  I said to my therapist that my attraction has very little to do with sex and sexual relationships with men.  It's more about emotional connection.  It's more about loving and feeling loved.  For me, maybe that generally looks like some kind of touch or physical affection, but it doesn't have to be like that.  Touch is only one small way people convey the fact that they like someone else.  It still is my preferred method.  I'm going to have to keep my eyes open a little wider to see if people are sending me that message, and I'm missing it.  I'm still going to keep my touchy feely nature toward other people and yet try to explore other ways of expressing how I feel toward a person.

Anyways, my therapist did say I was focusing on one very small part of my life: my desire for touch-based interaction with men.  I realized that I was focusing on it.  Sure, it is a squeaky wheel.  It's a big pain point for me.  But there is so much more to life than just that.  There's my relationship with friends I do have.  There's my co-workers.  There's my relationship with myself.  There's my relationship with Heavenly Father.  There's my hobbies: Magic, video games, and reading.  

As my therapist gave me a hug goodbye, he started to talked to me.  It's one of my favorite moments because I really like his hugs, and he often says very insightful things as we're hugging.  He said he wanted me to expand my expectations on what I can do.  He wants me to expand my expectations for me.  I realized that I had been doing something like that.  When temptation to masturbate arises, a lie often comes with it.  "You'll eventually give in" says the lie.  To that I say "I can resist.  I can with God's help."  And many times, He has come to my aid.

As I ate dinner, I had a pleasant conversation with a friend and we got into the matter of perspective.  I realized that I can't see the "big picture".  Even with the spirit's aid, I often only see parts of glimpses of the whole plan.  I'm given just what I need to succeed and thrive with my challenges.

I went home and had an enjoyable evening rebuilding some of my Magic decks.  I dismantled one deck, and realized I still had ten regular decks and two Commander decks.  I only managed to rebuild half of my regular decks.  I awoke this morning feel tired, but not completely worn out like I have felt the last few days.  The pain in my neck and shoulders seems to have faded.  Sure, the whole physical touch situation hasn't changed a whole lot.  It's just not the only thing I'm going to focus on, I hope.

To finish, I'd love to share some sayings/quotes that I like:

"Perception is reality."

"Perception is everything, to the perceiver."

Bouncing Around In My Head 30Nov2011

I'm feeling a lot better.  It's amazing how much of a different two days will make for how I feel about things.  Some devoted scripture study, talking with some friends, spending some quality guy time has really helped.  It feels like prayers have been answered and the spirit is back in my life.  I'm very grateful for that.  I feel like I'm finally feeling again.  I've been feeling more peace lately.

As an enjoyable by product, I've been having some scriptures run through my head.  I heard them during our Elder's Quorum lesson.  One of them is Mosiah 4:30.  Another is Mosiah 3:19.  Yet another is James 1:5.  James 1:5 is a recent addition.  I've been pondering over the last few days on what it means to 'put off' the natural man.  I'm realizing more than ever that I need to submit myself to the workings of the spirit.  According to Mosiah 4:30, and the recommendation of my bishop, I've been trying to watch my thoughts.  The criteria that I've been trying to apply is "Does this thought bring me closer or further away from Heavenly Father?".  I have been feeling a greater outpouring of the spirit.

James 1:5 is a newer addition to my set of scriptures bouncing around in my head.  I had a friend ask me last night "What are you doing with your attractions?"  I realized that I hadn't come to any kind of definitive sort of answer.  After talking with a second friend, I realize I haven't quite accepted the fact that having same gender attraction could be a trial or a cross.  I realize I've been trying for so long to make it 'go away'.  Something I want to focus on is learning to accept the fact that I have these feelings.  I also want to stop asking the 'Why?' question so much.  I want to know more of the 'How does the Lord want me to deal with this?'  That's where James 1:5 comes in.  The church has some very clear teachings on when the power of procreation is meant to be used and the Law of Chastity.  I've found that some things lead me into a gray area.

The big question that I had been struggling over is "Is it appropriate for me to date other men? Is it appropriate for me to pursue a non-sexual romantic relationship with a man?"  After some thought and prayer, I feel like it isn't appropriate for me to entertain or pursue romance with another man.  My thoughts told me that a romantic relationship with a man would only lead me to either pain or the desire to become sexually involved with the other man.  I've decided to follow the promptings I've received and not 'date' other men.

Of course, 'bromance' and spending time with friends is something else entirely.  I'm still going to do that!