While playing a game the other day, another player dealt me a pretty nasty blow, that left me in a rather crippled position. Rather than stick it out to see if I could still somehow manage to scrape through the game, I opted to leave at that moment, mostly because I wasn't enjoying the game all that much (being behind in a game can make me irritable at times). At the time, I thought of how manly I was at speaking my mind and cutting my losses. Afterward, I felt very guilty for leaving the game the way I did (in a huff). Somehow, it made me feel like how I approach life: if things get difficult, there's a good chance I'm going to simply give up on the thing, even if it's something good for me. Friend gets married, I give up. Too hard to continue interacting with them. Friend moves away. Give up. Too hard.
I'm saying this, because I feel like I've 'given up' in a sense on my healing journey. I'm exhausted. I'm worn out. I regularly engage in numbing and isolating behavior I build emotional walls between me and the people I spend time with. Two years ago and two months, I went to Journey Into Manhood. I was regularly talking with people. I had a good friendship with another man forming. I was participating in a community, reaching out to other men. Giving, growing, and learning. I was connecting and getting my male to male needs met. I was even starting to feel sparks of attraction toward a girl I've known since elementary school.
Fast forward a year. I was barely even talking to this friend. I had deeply distanced myself from him. I was slipping into depression. I had given up on our friendship because it had become very difficult and painful for me (I was overdependent on him). Fast forward another year. I came close to acting out with a good friend of mine. I acted out with four other times with men. I nearly gave up going to church multiple times. My depression worsened and I started taking medication. I grew very isolated. I've become bitter. My same gender attraction has become very strong. I feel a sense of shame as I compulsively check out people to see if they are attractive. I struggle daily with inappropriate thoughts that are highly distracting. In short, I almost feel like I've given up.
On a surface level, I try to look confident, as un-needy as possible. I try to appear aloof. I often get snappy. I'm nearly always tired. Inside, I just want to cry, or act out, or have the nearest object of my lust hold me and help me feel loved. Guilt and shame seem to be with me nearly every waking moment. I struggle with feeling connected.
I feel like I'm stuck between two choices: continue to resist (and struggle with acting out), or simply give in. Honestly, the latter is highly undesirable. I know there is at least one more choice: open up. Start to connect again and let the wounds heal. Forgive, and let the poison seep out. It...it feels very difficult to open up. Two years ago, it was very natural, if scary for me. Now, it is so terrifying I clam up at the thought of doing it.
On the bright side, I've also felt a stirring in my breast. I've felt the Spirit working on me. I've had moments where my selfishness abates and I feel genuine pain, empathy, and caring toward other people.
It means I haven't quite given up yet, despite how hard the journey is. Still, I'm afraid of opening up and being vulnerable. Almost mortally afraid. I know it can hurt again.
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Friday, April 6, 2012
A Glimpse Into The Madness 6Apr2012
Recently, I started using a website called 'Moodscope' that helps to track a persons mood each day. Today, I got the lowest score since I've started using it (15%). Ironically, the site suggested that 'It could be useful to talk it all through with someone close'. Oddly, I don't feel like there's anyone close. I've pushed everyone away. My defensive detachment seems to be set into a sense of overdrive. I've been feeling a lot of confusion, despair, sadness, grief, fear bordering on paranoia. I've been struggling with thoughts of acting out, browsing through peoples pictures, even feeling urges to walk by places to see if I can find any shirtless guys to stare out. In short, I think that I'm a sort of death spiral.
In the core of the death spiral is a fear of vulnerability. I know that is the root of the problem. I'm afraid to open up to the people that I once felt close to. I keep thinking that going to an in person support group really isn't changing anything. I keep thinking that online support groups are useless. I keep thinking that spending time with people in person, one on one, is largely a waste of time. All because I'm afraid to open up. I even think that putting out this blog post is a huge waste of time.
In person, I've grown tired of feeling verbally dumped on by other people. I've grown tired of feeling like I have to tell other people to back off. I've grown tired of hiding behind a mask of humor and hilarity when I'd really prefer just curling up in a ball and crying. I've grown tired of lying about how I really feel. I've grown so tired of seeing other people as objects and not people, and feeling the same way about myself.
With support groups, I've definitely become very passive when it comes to reaching out. In a sense, I've grown so tired of trying to make friends there in the past that I really don't care anymore. I spend all the time waiting for someone to come to me rather than seeking out friendship. In the past, I've felt like I haven't been able to establish the sort of friendship I want. Either the other person seems cool, distant, and intellectual, or something happens that doesn't make me feel safe. Sometimes I do open up to the other person, and I think that the other person isn't willing to do the same. It's honestly been driving me mad.
With the online support groups, it either feels like a place for humor or debate. I hardly feel safe sharing things personal any more. When I have put up what was basically a cry for help, I feel life I've been ignored or given unwanted advice. Some people have responded with empathy, but it doesn't ever seem to amount to anything. I'm too afraid to continue to be open.
In relation to the blog, I think that no one ever reads it. Sure, I see stat counters go up, every so often I have someone talk to me in person about it. Every so often, I see a comment on it. It makes me start to wonder, what is it that I'm looking for? Why am I not happy with how things are?
The truth is, I've been hurting pretty badly. I've been feeling the need for connection to the people around me, yet I've sabotaged all my attempts to really connect to people. Yesterday, I was driving home along my usual route. There is a turn in the freeway. I glanced out straight and saw all the open space and wondered how wonderful it would feel to fly away from it all. It was then that I realized how easy it would be to simply turn my car into the barrier and try to end my life.
This is a cry for help. I feel pessimistic about it. Even if it is responded to, will I accept the response or will I continue to deflect those people who do try to be my friend until I am ultimately alone? I'm pretty sure I'm crazy. And this post is definitely proof of it. I've been praying, and I definitely feel like I could use more.
P.S. (added at 1:36 PM):
I am feeling a great deal different now. I will still keep up this post as an authentic and honest post of the negative thinking trap I was in. I have so many people who love me, admire me, and appreciate me. I am loved.
I want you to know that you are loved as well! There is healing and there is hope. Reach out and reach up and there will be hands there waiting anxiously to grasp yours.
I love you all. Thanks.
In the core of the death spiral is a fear of vulnerability. I know that is the root of the problem. I'm afraid to open up to the people that I once felt close to. I keep thinking that going to an in person support group really isn't changing anything. I keep thinking that online support groups are useless. I keep thinking that spending time with people in person, one on one, is largely a waste of time. All because I'm afraid to open up. I even think that putting out this blog post is a huge waste of time.
In person, I've grown tired of feeling verbally dumped on by other people. I've grown tired of feeling like I have to tell other people to back off. I've grown tired of hiding behind a mask of humor and hilarity when I'd really prefer just curling up in a ball and crying. I've grown tired of lying about how I really feel. I've grown so tired of seeing other people as objects and not people, and feeling the same way about myself.
With support groups, I've definitely become very passive when it comes to reaching out. In a sense, I've grown so tired of trying to make friends there in the past that I really don't care anymore. I spend all the time waiting for someone to come to me rather than seeking out friendship. In the past, I've felt like I haven't been able to establish the sort of friendship I want. Either the other person seems cool, distant, and intellectual, or something happens that doesn't make me feel safe. Sometimes I do open up to the other person, and I think that the other person isn't willing to do the same. It's honestly been driving me mad.
With the online support groups, it either feels like a place for humor or debate. I hardly feel safe sharing things personal any more. When I have put up what was basically a cry for help, I feel life I've been ignored or given unwanted advice. Some people have responded with empathy, but it doesn't ever seem to amount to anything. I'm too afraid to continue to be open.
In relation to the blog, I think that no one ever reads it. Sure, I see stat counters go up, every so often I have someone talk to me in person about it. Every so often, I see a comment on it. It makes me start to wonder, what is it that I'm looking for? Why am I not happy with how things are?
The truth is, I've been hurting pretty badly. I've been feeling the need for connection to the people around me, yet I've sabotaged all my attempts to really connect to people. Yesterday, I was driving home along my usual route. There is a turn in the freeway. I glanced out straight and saw all the open space and wondered how wonderful it would feel to fly away from it all. It was then that I realized how easy it would be to simply turn my car into the barrier and try to end my life.
This is a cry for help. I feel pessimistic about it. Even if it is responded to, will I accept the response or will I continue to deflect those people who do try to be my friend until I am ultimately alone? I'm pretty sure I'm crazy. And this post is definitely proof of it. I've been praying, and I definitely feel like I could use more.
P.S. (added at 1:36 PM):
I am feeling a great deal different now. I will still keep up this post as an authentic and honest post of the negative thinking trap I was in. I have so many people who love me, admire me, and appreciate me. I am loved.
I want you to know that you are loved as well! There is healing and there is hope. Reach out and reach up and there will be hands there waiting anxiously to grasp yours.
I love you all. Thanks.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
The Worth of Tools
This is not an easy post for me to write. What I'm going to write about myself has me feeling very exposed and vulnerable, even before I write it. I plan on sharing something that is very personal; something that perhaps hits right at the core of the beliefs that I have about myself, other people, and Heavenly Father.
I was having a conversation with a friend a few weeks ago and he referred to himself as being a 'tool'. My first impulse was to deny the fact that he was a 'tool', and then I realized that I really didn't know what the word meant. I decided to do an internet search that gave me some enlightenment. Based on Urban Dictionary, a 'tool' is a person who can't think or make decisions for themselves, a person who is used by other people (knowingly or not), a person who relies on the judgement and approval of others, a person that is wanted solely for what they can do (rather than being liked), etc. After another discussion with another friend, the idea really solidified in my head.
I came to two very scary realizations: I have a tendency to use other people, and the tendency to let other people use me. Even with those realizations, I had no idea why I engaged in that kind of thinking or behavior (most of the 'using' was in my head and didn't go much further).
Yesterday, I had another insight that hit my like stray asteroid: my sense of self worth is tied to what I can do. I can remember countless times being among groups of people and feeling useless because we weren't 'doing' anything. I was simply sitting there, possibly talking. In other situations, I've felt like I've showed up, done some kind of work/chore, and then felt like I should leave because my value in the situation was gone because I didn't have anything further to do. On the flip side, I've felt guilty in some friendships because the other person seems to be 'doing' so much and contributing so much, and I don't feel like I'm giving anything back. Sometimes I feel like I interact with people simply for what they can do to me. It honestly makes me feel sick inside.
What is the worth of a tool? A tool is useful so long as it can do something useful. If a tool becomes broken, then it is discarded and another is procured to take its place. There isn't any use to keeping around a broken tool, unless it can be fixed.
This post seems to be in stark contrast with another recent post of mine where I spoke about the worth of a soul (Paradoxes). It's honestly makes me feel saddened, angry, and sick that I've been thinking like this. I've been thinking like this for years so it will be something for me to keep an eye on.
I remember hearing a statement like the following: "We are commanded to love people and use objects. Problems occur when that gets reversed and we love objects and use people". I honestly feel like I am very guilty of doing the latter over the former. I wonder, how different would life be if I had a more accurate view of my worth? What if I thought my worth could never change? I would probably take more risks. I would stand up for myself and say 'no' to people that would want to use me. I would also be more loving and giving to other people. I would see other people as people. I would see that other people have the same great worth that I do.
Right now, I would like to adopt some better views and thoughts about myself, and I know they will spread to other people given enough time. I want to give myself some more positive 'self-talk':
- I am of great worth
- I am worthy of love and connection
- My worth is constant and unchangeable
I honestly feel that those things are true. It's when I forget their truth that my tendency to 'use and be used' starts to come across.
Thank you for reading.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
A New Perspective - 18Mar2012
I've had a really interesting change of perspectives lately. I've been experiencing a lot of feelings of numbness lately. It something that comes and goes and thankfully has been spending more time going than coming the last week. Two things have been on my mind a lot. One of them is friendship and the other is plans that I have for my life.
As for friendship, I've found myself over the last few weeks (arguably months) worrying over the fact that I didn't have any closer friends. I've been thinking back to all the people I've met at college, at previous work places, at places like Journey Into Manhood and Evergreen, and wondering why I hardly ever hear from any of those people.
I have a tendency when I think about this to first start to feel angry toward the other people. I start to blame them for no sort of friendship forming. Then I start to shift all the blame to myself. I start to think that I didn't try hard enough, or that something is wrong with me. I start to think that I was either too uninteresting or that I scared the person off. Lately, I got a huge piece of insight into this. I realize that one reason I was struggling with having any feelings of a close friendship is because I've been too absorbed in my own problems, faults, and struggles. I've been very emotionally needy and draining, in my judgement. I judge that I've been scaring away, pushing away, or simply ignoring potential friends and possibly alienating myself from existing friends. I sometimes wonder if being too needy and demanding on past people has led to friendships either not forming, or causing other friendships to fall apart when I got disappointed with the other people. Ultimately, I've decided that I need to take a different approach. I need to focus more on being my own friend. I need to get to know myself, do things with myself, and learn to enjoy my own company. I have a feeling that will have a positive effect on my friendships with other people.
The other thing that has been bothering me is the fact that I don't have any 'big plans' for my own life. I see other people who are ambitious in their careers, who have plans to buy houses, get married, go on trips to other places. I sometimes wonder if there's something wrong with me to not have plans like that. My plans typically are short term and it's usually invitations to do things with other people or things that just 'need to be done'. I think that somehow over grown up, I've lost to ability to dream, to imagine, to have hopes about the future. I feel like I've spent a lot of time being adrift, going along with the flow of life, and not working toward any kind of future goal. I honestly feel apathetic about plans for the future. I don't seem to care what will happen to me with my career. I just live from one day to the next, without any expectations or hopes for the future.
I had an impression in church today that was very helpful to me. Someone in Elder's Quorum was sharing how one of the General Authorities had taken some time to embrace and comfort him. I was struck by the love that the General Authority had shown for the man. It reminded me of the fact that God gives everyone callings to grow. He's given to some people to lead the entire church and to others to do other things in His church. The fact is that the calling I have is one that will help me grow. It encourages me to interact with the other men in the ward. It calls me to step up and be bold. I got the impression that my purpose and goal in life should be to get back to live with Heavenly Father, and to be like Him. My primary goal in life is not to have a great career, to visit a certain place, or to have so many friends. My primary goal is to live like Jesus Christ, to grow in love toward to my fellow man, and to love myself as Heavenly Father loves me. That is a purpose and goal that I feel passionately about.
So, maybe I don't have big plans for the future, maybe I don't feel like I have friends that I could call 'BFFs'. I definitely do feel I need to have a more serious and loving relationship with myself and with my Heavenly Father. I can see how that would extend to my relationships with everyone around me. I feel happy to have a sense of hope and joy about the future and an increased feeling of peace in the present. I feel more ready to face the world with all of its joys and trials. I feel grateful to have a new perspective on life.
As for friendship, I've found myself over the last few weeks (arguably months) worrying over the fact that I didn't have any closer friends. I've been thinking back to all the people I've met at college, at previous work places, at places like Journey Into Manhood and Evergreen, and wondering why I hardly ever hear from any of those people.
I have a tendency when I think about this to first start to feel angry toward the other people. I start to blame them for no sort of friendship forming. Then I start to shift all the blame to myself. I start to think that I didn't try hard enough, or that something is wrong with me. I start to think that I was either too uninteresting or that I scared the person off. Lately, I got a huge piece of insight into this. I realize that one reason I was struggling with having any feelings of a close friendship is because I've been too absorbed in my own problems, faults, and struggles. I've been very emotionally needy and draining, in my judgement. I judge that I've been scaring away, pushing away, or simply ignoring potential friends and possibly alienating myself from existing friends. I sometimes wonder if being too needy and demanding on past people has led to friendships either not forming, or causing other friendships to fall apart when I got disappointed with the other people. Ultimately, I've decided that I need to take a different approach. I need to focus more on being my own friend. I need to get to know myself, do things with myself, and learn to enjoy my own company. I have a feeling that will have a positive effect on my friendships with other people.
The other thing that has been bothering me is the fact that I don't have any 'big plans' for my own life. I see other people who are ambitious in their careers, who have plans to buy houses, get married, go on trips to other places. I sometimes wonder if there's something wrong with me to not have plans like that. My plans typically are short term and it's usually invitations to do things with other people or things that just 'need to be done'. I think that somehow over grown up, I've lost to ability to dream, to imagine, to have hopes about the future. I feel like I've spent a lot of time being adrift, going along with the flow of life, and not working toward any kind of future goal. I honestly feel apathetic about plans for the future. I don't seem to care what will happen to me with my career. I just live from one day to the next, without any expectations or hopes for the future.
I had an impression in church today that was very helpful to me. Someone in Elder's Quorum was sharing how one of the General Authorities had taken some time to embrace and comfort him. I was struck by the love that the General Authority had shown for the man. It reminded me of the fact that God gives everyone callings to grow. He's given to some people to lead the entire church and to others to do other things in His church. The fact is that the calling I have is one that will help me grow. It encourages me to interact with the other men in the ward. It calls me to step up and be bold. I got the impression that my purpose and goal in life should be to get back to live with Heavenly Father, and to be like Him. My primary goal in life is not to have a great career, to visit a certain place, or to have so many friends. My primary goal is to live like Jesus Christ, to grow in love toward to my fellow man, and to love myself as Heavenly Father loves me. That is a purpose and goal that I feel passionately about.
So, maybe I don't have big plans for the future, maybe I don't feel like I have friends that I could call 'BFFs'. I definitely do feel I need to have a more serious and loving relationship with myself and with my Heavenly Father. I can see how that would extend to my relationships with everyone around me. I feel happy to have a sense of hope and joy about the future and an increased feeling of peace in the present. I feel more ready to face the world with all of its joys and trials. I feel grateful to have a new perspective on life.
Monday, February 27, 2012
A Glimpse Into The Madness 27Feb2012
It's 11:30. Normally, I'd be sound asleep by now. Ironically, I had all the electronics and I was pleasantly reading a book and texting a friend of mine. Oddly, our conversation stirred up some very deep, painful issues of mine. To help me sleep, I'm going to be blogging about it here.
For the past eight months, I feel like I've been slipping slowly into a kind of madness or into a state of numbness where I don't feel anything. I've found myself in a frenzy, moving from one activity to the other, like I was trying to run away from something. Other times, I found me trying to bury myself in video games, or books to read, or endless Facebook updates, trying to ignore or numb away something I'd been feeling. Sometimes I've turned to more potent numbing agents, like masturbation. All of this to try to avoid feeling one thing.
Pain.
Working backward from right now, where I do feel the pain and the sadness. I can see that my actions lately have made me feel like I'm slippy closer and closer toward acting out sexually with another man. I can see that I've been putting myself into increasingly more compromising situations. The cycle is very slow, generally every few months. I feel like I've been getting very close to a breaking point of sorts.
The root cause? Last year I was in a very close friendship. I shared a lot with this other man. I struggled with having romantic feelings on and off. I started to become very overdependent on him for getting my emotional needs met. To make a long, painful story short, the friendship eventually fell apart and I had to distance myself from him.
Since then, I don't think I've ever fully recovered from it. I've withdrawn and isolated my heart to being hurt further. I've taken steps to numb myself from the pain, which only seems to make the pain feel even worse. I've noticed that it's been difficult to feel like I have and friends, even friends that are close. I've felt like there is no one that I can trust. I don't even feel like I can trust myself, or my own motives. I feel like I've been playing more and more with fire, and that eventually I'm going to get burned by it, unless I can find another solution.
Pain has been a reoccurring companion for me in my life. I remember crying myself to sleep at nights when I was younger because I didn't feel like anyone liked me and that I didn't have any friends. The feeling has continued with me as I've grown older. I realize that my perceptions are horrifically tainted and twisted by the beliefs I have about myself: that I am unlovable, and not worth the notice of others. Sadly, I've turned this belief against others. Many times, a friendship has taken root in my heart, only to later be blasted by my anger and by my inability to love the other person. I've often felt like my heart was a lonely, desolate place where no one else was. Many times, it's been like Tumm has rampaged and destroyed everything, only to ultimately curl up in a ball in the center of the blast radius and go completely numb. I honestly feel like the cycle of destruction and attempted rebirth has gone on far too long in my life. It would be nice for a friendship to grow, become strong, and stay alive in my heart. Sometimes I think my heart just isn't fertile enough for it. I've always thought that friendships were hard to form. Now I'm beginning to think I may be the difficult person to be a friend with.
The pain is often frustrating for me. I have tried to pray many times for it to be removed. I've even tried to surrender it. I feel like I need to give up on both. Neither has made the pain stop. I find myself praying increasingly more in order to have the strength to bear the pain I've been given to bear.
At the root of the madness are number of competing and fighting ideas and desires. On one hand, there is a part of me that so desperately wants to be loved. On another, there is a part that wants to be free from pain and suffering and that doesn't want to hurt any more. The part that desires freedom from pain says that in order to have love, I will have to open up and risk being hurt. The same part decides to keep me guarded and isolate from others. The other part cries out so desperately to feel loved that it often comes out in ways I can't control. Sometimes that part of me starts to listen to the lie that the only way I will be loved is if I am loved sexually by another.
I can see but one path that may lead me back to sanity. I have many safe places to embrace vulnerability and let my pain be shown. Perhaps there, I can finally step into my pain more fully, and allow myself to feel truly loved again.
For the past eight months, I feel like I've been slipping slowly into a kind of madness or into a state of numbness where I don't feel anything. I've found myself in a frenzy, moving from one activity to the other, like I was trying to run away from something. Other times, I found me trying to bury myself in video games, or books to read, or endless Facebook updates, trying to ignore or numb away something I'd been feeling. Sometimes I've turned to more potent numbing agents, like masturbation. All of this to try to avoid feeling one thing.
Pain.
Working backward from right now, where I do feel the pain and the sadness. I can see that my actions lately have made me feel like I'm slippy closer and closer toward acting out sexually with another man. I can see that I've been putting myself into increasingly more compromising situations. The cycle is very slow, generally every few months. I feel like I've been getting very close to a breaking point of sorts.
The root cause? Last year I was in a very close friendship. I shared a lot with this other man. I struggled with having romantic feelings on and off. I started to become very overdependent on him for getting my emotional needs met. To make a long, painful story short, the friendship eventually fell apart and I had to distance myself from him.
Since then, I don't think I've ever fully recovered from it. I've withdrawn and isolated my heart to being hurt further. I've taken steps to numb myself from the pain, which only seems to make the pain feel even worse. I've noticed that it's been difficult to feel like I have and friends, even friends that are close. I've felt like there is no one that I can trust. I don't even feel like I can trust myself, or my own motives. I feel like I've been playing more and more with fire, and that eventually I'm going to get burned by it, unless I can find another solution.
Pain has been a reoccurring companion for me in my life. I remember crying myself to sleep at nights when I was younger because I didn't feel like anyone liked me and that I didn't have any friends. The feeling has continued with me as I've grown older. I realize that my perceptions are horrifically tainted and twisted by the beliefs I have about myself: that I am unlovable, and not worth the notice of others. Sadly, I've turned this belief against others. Many times, a friendship has taken root in my heart, only to later be blasted by my anger and by my inability to love the other person. I've often felt like my heart was a lonely, desolate place where no one else was. Many times, it's been like Tumm has rampaged and destroyed everything, only to ultimately curl up in a ball in the center of the blast radius and go completely numb. I honestly feel like the cycle of destruction and attempted rebirth has gone on far too long in my life. It would be nice for a friendship to grow, become strong, and stay alive in my heart. Sometimes I think my heart just isn't fertile enough for it. I've always thought that friendships were hard to form. Now I'm beginning to think I may be the difficult person to be a friend with.
The pain is often frustrating for me. I have tried to pray many times for it to be removed. I've even tried to surrender it. I feel like I need to give up on both. Neither has made the pain stop. I find myself praying increasingly more in order to have the strength to bear the pain I've been given to bear.
At the root of the madness are number of competing and fighting ideas and desires. On one hand, there is a part of me that so desperately wants to be loved. On another, there is a part that wants to be free from pain and suffering and that doesn't want to hurt any more. The part that desires freedom from pain says that in order to have love, I will have to open up and risk being hurt. The same part decides to keep me guarded and isolate from others. The other part cries out so desperately to feel loved that it often comes out in ways I can't control. Sometimes that part of me starts to listen to the lie that the only way I will be loved is if I am loved sexually by another.
I can see but one path that may lead me back to sanity. I have many safe places to embrace vulnerability and let my pain be shown. Perhaps there, I can finally step into my pain more fully, and allow myself to feel truly loved again.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Worries - 20Feb2012
Worry is quite the interesting beast. He's been paying me visit very often lately. There's been a number of things that I've been worried about. It feels like I have a huge long list of things that have been on my mind lately.
1) I'm worried that I'm in some sort of deep numbness. I've been actually received some healthy touch lately, and I noticed it hasn't felt quite the same way. It's almost like I'm walled off against it. I know I may have some unprocessed trauma around it. It isn't something I'm willing to post up here in public. Part of this worry is that I know touch is a very important thing for me. I still feel like I want it, yet it doesn't seem to help when I do get it.
2) Related to item 1, I noticed that my emotions have been very muted lately, especially ones related to bonding and connection with other people: feeling loved, happiness, peace. I have felt some strong feelings of happiness, peace, and anger. Sadness seems to be oddly absent. I think the last time few times I remember feeling strong emotions was at the therapist and when I was at the temple. This could possibly be a by-product of being sick. Or it could just be a pattern of me detaching from myself.
3) The big worry in my sights right now is a medical test that I am having this week. I can't remember if I posted about the chest pains I've had while working out, or sometimes even while resting. I performed a heart stress test, and my heart is fine. The doctor said it was probably heartburn, so I've been taking a medication for that. Still, the pain has persisted, along with other strange things. I can feel food get 'stuck' in my esophagus. Sometimes my throat will seize up, or go into painful spasms. So, I'm going to get an EGD.
An EGD, or esophagogastroduodenoscopy, is basically where they stick a camera down the person's thraot. I've never had one before, but I've had plenty of horrifying fantasies about it since I first heard of it. I was feeling very nervous and terrified when I first heard about it. Oddly, it's isn't so bad since I learned they will put me under some form of anesthesia. The big worry about it now is paying for it. I don't have money problems frequently, but when I do, it usually causes me to panic. Oddly, I feel very detached from the feeling of panic, but I still find myself trying to calculate how much the procedure will cost and how I'm going to pay for it.
4) On top of all of this, I keep finding myself engaged in what I call 'deviant' behavior. It can be anything from fantasizing about a man, obsessing over them, finding myself looking for triggering pictures, avoiding people that I feel attracted to, or trying to hide myself from the world. It's basically a set of unhealthy behaviors that lead me to not feeling connected with the people around me. This deviant behavior is paired with an obsession over friendship and not feeling like I'm close to anyone.
When I take an honest look, I think all of these things I'm worried about are connected. The fear and worry over the procedure could be shorting out my feelings. That makes me feel like I'm not close to anyone, and leads me to seek that out. Because my feelings aren't working properly, I don't feel like I'm connected and I'm driven to the unhealthy behaviors to try to feel something. Sadly, I'm not quite sure how to break out of the cycle. Thankfully, I have a visit with my therapist tomorrow. Hopefully he can help me sort out parts of it.
I would also appreciate your prayers for the procedure this Wednesday. I'm going to need all the help and assurance I can get. Thank you.
1) I'm worried that I'm in some sort of deep numbness. I've been actually received some healthy touch lately, and I noticed it hasn't felt quite the same way. It's almost like I'm walled off against it. I know I may have some unprocessed trauma around it. It isn't something I'm willing to post up here in public. Part of this worry is that I know touch is a very important thing for me. I still feel like I want it, yet it doesn't seem to help when I do get it.
2) Related to item 1, I noticed that my emotions have been very muted lately, especially ones related to bonding and connection with other people: feeling loved, happiness, peace. I have felt some strong feelings of happiness, peace, and anger. Sadness seems to be oddly absent. I think the last time few times I remember feeling strong emotions was at the therapist and when I was at the temple. This could possibly be a by-product of being sick. Or it could just be a pattern of me detaching from myself.
3) The big worry in my sights right now is a medical test that I am having this week. I can't remember if I posted about the chest pains I've had while working out, or sometimes even while resting. I performed a heart stress test, and my heart is fine. The doctor said it was probably heartburn, so I've been taking a medication for that. Still, the pain has persisted, along with other strange things. I can feel food get 'stuck' in my esophagus. Sometimes my throat will seize up, or go into painful spasms. So, I'm going to get an EGD.
An EGD, or esophagogastroduodenoscopy, is basically where they stick a camera down the person's thraot. I've never had one before, but I've had plenty of horrifying fantasies about it since I first heard of it. I was feeling very nervous and terrified when I first heard about it. Oddly, it's isn't so bad since I learned they will put me under some form of anesthesia. The big worry about it now is paying for it. I don't have money problems frequently, but when I do, it usually causes me to panic. Oddly, I feel very detached from the feeling of panic, but I still find myself trying to calculate how much the procedure will cost and how I'm going to pay for it.
4) On top of all of this, I keep finding myself engaged in what I call 'deviant' behavior. It can be anything from fantasizing about a man, obsessing over them, finding myself looking for triggering pictures, avoiding people that I feel attracted to, or trying to hide myself from the world. It's basically a set of unhealthy behaviors that lead me to not feeling connected with the people around me. This deviant behavior is paired with an obsession over friendship and not feeling like I'm close to anyone.
When I take an honest look, I think all of these things I'm worried about are connected. The fear and worry over the procedure could be shorting out my feelings. That makes me feel like I'm not close to anyone, and leads me to seek that out. Because my feelings aren't working properly, I don't feel like I'm connected and I'm driven to the unhealthy behaviors to try to feel something. Sadly, I'm not quite sure how to break out of the cycle. Thankfully, I have a visit with my therapist tomorrow. Hopefully he can help me sort out parts of it.
I would also appreciate your prayers for the procedure this Wednesday. I'm going to need all the help and assurance I can get. Thank you.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Paths Laden With Fog
I've been coming to learn, or more accurately re-learn, a few things about myself lately. Recently, I've been feeling pretty desperate for connection with other men. Granted, I've been talking and reaching out more than normal. I've even told a number of my friends about me, just in case they weren't following this blog. The desperation still wasn't being alleviated. There's a few simple facts that seem to contribute to this.
First off, my primary love language is touch (If you are unfamiliar with what a 'love language' is, see The 5 Love Languages site, it's also a book). Because of that, my primary way of feeling and expressing love toward other people is through touch, and this very much focused around men, with very few exceptions for women, most of whom are in my family. Most of the time, the expression has very little to do with lust or sexual desire. Sometimes it's a simple expression that I like the person or value them as a friend. Nothing more and nothing less.
This gets obviously frustrated by some aspects of American culture. In my perception, we're not a very touchy-feely sort of people, at least out in public. The same seems to be true when I visit church. In my home ward (by home I mean parent's ward), the people are very good at shaking hands. The last singles ward I was in, and this current ward don't seem to be very good at that, and I'm far too shy to even initiate that kind of contact.
Anyways, I was starting to feel desperate for some kind of physical contact with a man. I can look back now and see how crazy I was, because I have a whole group of friends that are willing to give appropriate, safe, and bonding touch with me. I told myself all sorts of lies to keep myself from asking them. It led me to seeking the safe, appropriate sort of touch in a very dangerous environment.
As an interesting aside, I notice a pattern that emerges when I feel like my touch need isn't getting met. I start to get the crazy notion that people will start spontaneously offering the kind of touch that I need or want. I start to drop into a childlike state, where I expect the people around me to know what my needs are. I basically tend to regress. When my need isn't met (which happens very often because I'm not asking for help to get them met), I start to slip into a state of defensive detachment. I get angry, and I feel lonely. In an attempt to escape the pain of not having the need met, I seek out 'numbing agents' of sorts. I turn to video games generally. The sort of lull and trance they put me in provides a false sense of peace and comfort, yet always lead me to a sense of emptiness and loneliness. When that isn't enough, I turn to stronger 'numbing agents': masturbation and pornography. Like video games, they leave with a more profound feeling of emptiness and numbness. In this state of numbness, I'm even less likely to ask for what I need. It's a vicious downward spiral.
At my support group this week, I managed to touch both the pain and the feeling of emptiness and detachment. It's amazing how familiar both of them feel. I'm often not even conscious of it. The detachment feels warm, familiar, old, and oddly peaceful. Yet it also feels like I'm all alone in a dark room with no one else there. The room is empty and vast.
As I discussed this at my support group, I realized that detachment and numbness is a choice I make. It's a choice that leads me down a road that ends up with me curled up in a ball trying to shut everything else out. It leads me to somewhere dark, lonely, yet safe. As I talked, I also realized there were other paths. There are other choices. There are many different people to ask for help from. All of the roads were covered in fog. I couldn't determine their outcome. The path to numbness, however, was quite clear. I know where it would lead me. I've taken it so many times, that the outcome is sure.
That aside, at support group I also recalled the last time I felt like I wanted some touch, specifically, I wanted to be held. It was when I was having a talk with my dad about this blog post. Forgive me other blog readers, but I'd like to address my dad personally. Feel free to read as well!
Dad, I think you may remember the last time we got together and chatted about a blog post I had made, one about some past shameful lies I'd been believing for years. Wow, this is hard, tears are already in my eyes. I remember as we talked that I one point, I simply wanted you to reach out your arms and cradle me, and comfort me. When I realized that, I almost immediately started to belittle/demean/talk down to myself about it. 'Why would an adult want to be held? I should be independent. I shouldn't need this. I shouldn't want this.' Despite what I said, the desire was still there. The pain was still there. I wanted to connect. I wanted to connect like a child would connect with his father. I wanted to be held by you. Yet, like a child, I found myself powerless to ask for what I wanted. I found myself incapable of expressing the words. Maybe because I was starting to feel, live, and act from a very young state, perhaps before I could even talk. I've always wondered why I've struggled to connect with you. I know I've been defensively detached from both you and Mom. I'm starting to wonder if the problem and solution lie somewhere in the desire to be held by you, dad. I somehow want to go back to where the defensive detachment started, attach, instead of detaching, and start unraveling years of me detaching myself from you. Honestly, I feel afraid to ask for what I want. I honestly don't know how you would take it, or even if you know how to hold me. I don't even know how long it would take, or even if it would take more than one time of it happening. There are many, many years of detachment. Many years of me isolating myself from you. I still think we can bridge the gap and heal this. Honestly, the path is laden with fog. All I know for now is there is a desire for me to be held by you.
Thank you for indulging me readers. I feel nearly overcome inside with the sadness and the pain. When I was a child, I didn't know what I needed. I obviously felt a need to be safe, so I started to withdraw from my parents. I honestly have no idea where it started. All I know is that it worked at the time, and now, it isn't working as an adult. To be withdrawn and detached from the people around me, means I can continue to be safe, but also broken, hurt, lonely, and ultimately, empty. It also means that I defend myself from others attempts to truly love me. It also extends to and disrupts my relationship with God.
The future paths are laden with fog. I could continue to take the one familiar path, that leads me to loneliness. I think it's time to start taking one of the fog laden ones and push through to see what's on the other side of the fog.
Oh, and a personal request. If you know me, in person, I would definitely appreciate more hugs! However that looks for you.
Thank you for reading.
First off, my primary love language is touch (If you are unfamiliar with what a 'love language' is, see The 5 Love Languages site, it's also a book). Because of that, my primary way of feeling and expressing love toward other people is through touch, and this very much focused around men, with very few exceptions for women, most of whom are in my family. Most of the time, the expression has very little to do with lust or sexual desire. Sometimes it's a simple expression that I like the person or value them as a friend. Nothing more and nothing less.
This gets obviously frustrated by some aspects of American culture. In my perception, we're not a very touchy-feely sort of people, at least out in public. The same seems to be true when I visit church. In my home ward (by home I mean parent's ward), the people are very good at shaking hands. The last singles ward I was in, and this current ward don't seem to be very good at that, and I'm far too shy to even initiate that kind of contact.
Anyways, I was starting to feel desperate for some kind of physical contact with a man. I can look back now and see how crazy I was, because I have a whole group of friends that are willing to give appropriate, safe, and bonding touch with me. I told myself all sorts of lies to keep myself from asking them. It led me to seeking the safe, appropriate sort of touch in a very dangerous environment.
As an interesting aside, I notice a pattern that emerges when I feel like my touch need isn't getting met. I start to get the crazy notion that people will start spontaneously offering the kind of touch that I need or want. I start to drop into a childlike state, where I expect the people around me to know what my needs are. I basically tend to regress. When my need isn't met (which happens very often because I'm not asking for help to get them met), I start to slip into a state of defensive detachment. I get angry, and I feel lonely. In an attempt to escape the pain of not having the need met, I seek out 'numbing agents' of sorts. I turn to video games generally. The sort of lull and trance they put me in provides a false sense of peace and comfort, yet always lead me to a sense of emptiness and loneliness. When that isn't enough, I turn to stronger 'numbing agents': masturbation and pornography. Like video games, they leave with a more profound feeling of emptiness and numbness. In this state of numbness, I'm even less likely to ask for what I need. It's a vicious downward spiral.
At my support group this week, I managed to touch both the pain and the feeling of emptiness and detachment. It's amazing how familiar both of them feel. I'm often not even conscious of it. The detachment feels warm, familiar, old, and oddly peaceful. Yet it also feels like I'm all alone in a dark room with no one else there. The room is empty and vast.
As I discussed this at my support group, I realized that detachment and numbness is a choice I make. It's a choice that leads me down a road that ends up with me curled up in a ball trying to shut everything else out. It leads me to somewhere dark, lonely, yet safe. As I talked, I also realized there were other paths. There are other choices. There are many different people to ask for help from. All of the roads were covered in fog. I couldn't determine their outcome. The path to numbness, however, was quite clear. I know where it would lead me. I've taken it so many times, that the outcome is sure.
That aside, at support group I also recalled the last time I felt like I wanted some touch, specifically, I wanted to be held. It was when I was having a talk with my dad about this blog post. Forgive me other blog readers, but I'd like to address my dad personally. Feel free to read as well!
Dad, I think you may remember the last time we got together and chatted about a blog post I had made, one about some past shameful lies I'd been believing for years. Wow, this is hard, tears are already in my eyes. I remember as we talked that I one point, I simply wanted you to reach out your arms and cradle me, and comfort me. When I realized that, I almost immediately started to belittle/demean/talk down to myself about it. 'Why would an adult want to be held? I should be independent. I shouldn't need this. I shouldn't want this.' Despite what I said, the desire was still there. The pain was still there. I wanted to connect. I wanted to connect like a child would connect with his father. I wanted to be held by you. Yet, like a child, I found myself powerless to ask for what I wanted. I found myself incapable of expressing the words. Maybe because I was starting to feel, live, and act from a very young state, perhaps before I could even talk. I've always wondered why I've struggled to connect with you. I know I've been defensively detached from both you and Mom. I'm starting to wonder if the problem and solution lie somewhere in the desire to be held by you, dad. I somehow want to go back to where the defensive detachment started, attach, instead of detaching, and start unraveling years of me detaching myself from you. Honestly, I feel afraid to ask for what I want. I honestly don't know how you would take it, or even if you know how to hold me. I don't even know how long it would take, or even if it would take more than one time of it happening. There are many, many years of detachment. Many years of me isolating myself from you. I still think we can bridge the gap and heal this. Honestly, the path is laden with fog. All I know for now is there is a desire for me to be held by you.
Thank you for indulging me readers. I feel nearly overcome inside with the sadness and the pain. When I was a child, I didn't know what I needed. I obviously felt a need to be safe, so I started to withdraw from my parents. I honestly have no idea where it started. All I know is that it worked at the time, and now, it isn't working as an adult. To be withdrawn and detached from the people around me, means I can continue to be safe, but also broken, hurt, lonely, and ultimately, empty. It also means that I defend myself from others attempts to truly love me. It also extends to and disrupts my relationship with God.
The future paths are laden with fog. I could continue to take the one familiar path, that leads me to loneliness. I think it's time to start taking one of the fog laden ones and push through to see what's on the other side of the fog.
Oh, and a personal request. If you know me, in person, I would definitely appreciate more hugs! However that looks for you.
Thank you for reading.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Toxic Shame, Deep-set Lies
This will be a difficult post to write for me. Not difficult because I'm afraid to share it. Difficult because of the pain I know that it's going to touch on. Once more, into the breach.
In my support group this week, I did something where I looked into events where I had felt shamed. Sometime soon, I'll have to start up a series of posts called 'From the Memory Vault' where I share things from my past that I'm able to remember. I actually have a draft for one, but I'm too afraid to share it. I'm frankly worried about how I could explain it without the event becoming too pornographic. Here's a list of some of the shameful memories that I was able to remember this week:
I delved a bit deeper into that first memory I shared. At one point, I came to the realization that my teacher didn't care about me. No one seemed to care about me growing up. I was just another warm body. I was an object in the room. And deep down, all I wanted as a kid was to feel special, loved, noticed, cared for, delighted in.
I also got some good insight into one of my 'flavors' of attraction. I generally feel attracted to men bigger than me, to men that I judge are stronger than me. I also feel afraid around them, intimidated by them. It's an interesting internal conflict. I think it goes back to feeling shamed by various adults in my life. I wanted to feel loved by them, and instead I felt shamed by them. To this day, I find myself seeking that love and approval from the 'big men', from the 'adults'. I still want and crave that acceptance, affection, affirmation, ...love from them. That flavor of attraction is one of the hardest to 'shake off'. It's one of the hardest to resolve for me, probably because it's very deeply set.
Last night, I went to hang out with some friends. As soon as I showed up, they said 'hi', but then went back to talking with each other. I felt that same story come up. 'They don't care. They've never cared. You're just another person to them'. I tried to compensate by smiling and making jokes. On the way home, I felt lonely. As I was driving, I was looking at the world around me, admiring Heavenly Father's handiwork. A thought came to me: yes, this is a manifestation of His love. But, it's a manifestation of His love to everyone. It's a blanket statement. It's sent out generally to everyone. I do acknowledge there have been a few times when I have seen tender mercies in my life, when I have felt that I was specifically cared for. Somehow...I'm just not feeling it right now.
This morning, it finally hit me. The same idea 'You don't care' shows up in my relationship with my Heavenly Father. When I pray, I tell myself that I'm just another warm body to Him. No wonder the heaven's have felt so closed. No wonder I feel like I've slipped through the cracks and have fallen of His radar. I keep telling myself the same lie.
The same lie that has been lodged deep in my psyche.
I've even tried telling myself positive stories. Sure, they help for awhile, but the same old lie creeps up and slowly strangles my attempts at changing how I think. The poison is set deep.
Now I sit here, feeling empty, with the beginnings of tears in my eyes. I don't even know if I can see the depth of this wound that was dealt to me. I feel angry that I've continued to tell myself the same lie. I'm angry that I made the choice to feel ashamed and to detach while I was young. I feel like I've screwed up my life by making the choices I did. "It's all my fault". I chose to react the way I did. I chose to detach. It's my choice, I have to live with the consequences.
Perhaps I'm not heeding the saying that I came up with while talking with a friend a few weeks ago. The saying is 'You're supposed to carry your cross, not nail yourself to it!' I need to find a way to carry the burden this lie has created without it paralyzing me. And ultimately, I need to find out how to heal it and how to surrender it. There is a way. I believe that there is healing through Christ's Atonement. There is strength there, and there is grace. There is forgiveness and love. My heart feels too afraid to trust. It's been hurt so many times before. I keep hurting it by feeding it the same lie, and yet I keep sheltering it from any outside attempt to heal it.
Sounds like madness to me.
In my support group this week, I did something where I looked into events where I had felt shamed. Sometime soon, I'll have to start up a series of posts called 'From the Memory Vault' where I share things from my past that I'm able to remember. I actually have a draft for one, but I'm too afraid to share it. I'm frankly worried about how I could explain it without the event becoming too pornographic. Here's a list of some of the shameful memories that I was able to remember this week:
- In kindergarten, I colored a hand purple. The teacher had me re-color it because it was the 'wrong color'.
- In kindergarten, my teacher found my lunch, raised it up, asked who's it was. I raised my hand and she didn't see me, and it caused trouble later.
- I was forced to recount in front of the whole primary a time when I didn't come when my mother called
- At 8, I was told 'He shouldn't have gone in there!' by a man at the front desk of a military locker room, after I had gone in with my dad
- My dad telling me, at 8-9 years old, "If you were older, you would have needed to talk to a bishop"
- Various events with yelling and throwing of toys
- Me getting caught playing the Legend of Zelda early in the morning...Sunday morning
- Me getting in trouble for spitting on a girl
- I don't belong here
- I'm not valued
- I don't belong with men
- I don't matter
- I do everything wrong
- I'm always in trouble
- You don't care.
I delved a bit deeper into that first memory I shared. At one point, I came to the realization that my teacher didn't care about me. No one seemed to care about me growing up. I was just another warm body. I was an object in the room. And deep down, all I wanted as a kid was to feel special, loved, noticed, cared for, delighted in.
I also got some good insight into one of my 'flavors' of attraction. I generally feel attracted to men bigger than me, to men that I judge are stronger than me. I also feel afraid around them, intimidated by them. It's an interesting internal conflict. I think it goes back to feeling shamed by various adults in my life. I wanted to feel loved by them, and instead I felt shamed by them. To this day, I find myself seeking that love and approval from the 'big men', from the 'adults'. I still want and crave that acceptance, affection, affirmation, ...love from them. That flavor of attraction is one of the hardest to 'shake off'. It's one of the hardest to resolve for me, probably because it's very deeply set.
Last night, I went to hang out with some friends. As soon as I showed up, they said 'hi', but then went back to talking with each other. I felt that same story come up. 'They don't care. They've never cared. You're just another person to them'. I tried to compensate by smiling and making jokes. On the way home, I felt lonely. As I was driving, I was looking at the world around me, admiring Heavenly Father's handiwork. A thought came to me: yes, this is a manifestation of His love. But, it's a manifestation of His love to everyone. It's a blanket statement. It's sent out generally to everyone. I do acknowledge there have been a few times when I have seen tender mercies in my life, when I have felt that I was specifically cared for. Somehow...I'm just not feeling it right now.
This morning, it finally hit me. The same idea 'You don't care' shows up in my relationship with my Heavenly Father. When I pray, I tell myself that I'm just another warm body to Him. No wonder the heaven's have felt so closed. No wonder I feel like I've slipped through the cracks and have fallen of His radar. I keep telling myself the same lie.
The same lie that has been lodged deep in my psyche.
I've even tried telling myself positive stories. Sure, they help for awhile, but the same old lie creeps up and slowly strangles my attempts at changing how I think. The poison is set deep.
Now I sit here, feeling empty, with the beginnings of tears in my eyes. I don't even know if I can see the depth of this wound that was dealt to me. I feel angry that I've continued to tell myself the same lie. I'm angry that I made the choice to feel ashamed and to detach while I was young. I feel like I've screwed up my life by making the choices I did. "It's all my fault". I chose to react the way I did. I chose to detach. It's my choice, I have to live with the consequences.
Perhaps I'm not heeding the saying that I came up with while talking with a friend a few weeks ago. The saying is 'You're supposed to carry your cross, not nail yourself to it!' I need to find a way to carry the burden this lie has created without it paralyzing me. And ultimately, I need to find out how to heal it and how to surrender it. There is a way. I believe that there is healing through Christ's Atonement. There is strength there, and there is grace. There is forgiveness and love. My heart feels too afraid to trust. It's been hurt so many times before. I keep hurting it by feeding it the same lie, and yet I keep sheltering it from any outside attempt to heal it.
Sounds like madness to me.
Friday, December 16, 2011
The Flavors of Attraction
This is a very scary post for me to put out there. Scary indeed.
In this post, I plan on speaking a bit into the kind of people I'm attracted to. I'm going to put it out there in a very generic sense, as well as possibly some explanations into why I think I may have these kinds of attractions. The idea for this blog posts came at the last family function that I attended. My sister told her husband that I had same gender attraction. When I asked her about it at the function, she jokingly said "Just don't hit on him." She laughed and then said something afterward to the effect of "Oh, you're probably not because he's not super mega cute". It made me think, there's a whole lot that I could be attracted to a person than how they look. A whole lot more.
I have some insight into what makes me feel attracted, or repulsed, by different men around me. I don't have it down to an exact science, because I always seem to find exceptions to the rule. I'm probably more complicated than I'm letting myself be.
I think I can boil it down to three different 'flavors' of attraction: attraction to a 'father' figure, attraction to the masculine, and the 'eye candy' attraction.
The father figure attraction can be hard to separate from the masculine flavor of attraction for me. The father figure attraction drives around looking for someone to protect me. It involves looking for a guardian of sorts. A big part of the drive involves having this man, who is strong and powerful, protect and love me. It often manifests in urges to be held or embraced by the man. It often makes me feel like a little child when I'm around men like this. Typically men who are big, big as in physically imposing, tall or with broad shoulders. It usually doesn't have very much to do with the man's personality, although if a man is brash or loud, it tends to destroy any feelings of 'father figure' attraction I may have for them. This flavor of attraction is very frustrating to deal with, because it isn't easily seen or resolved. I'm typically in 'little boy' space when I'm around men like this, so I'm not actively trying to figure out what's going on. I'm more focused on how to 'win' the protection and affection of these men.
The attraction to the masculine is a much broader category. The drive is to connect and have friendship with a man. In more extreme or frustrated cases, it can have sexual flavors to it. Typically men with deep voices, body hair, muscles, who exude confidence, or leadership abilities can trigger this sort of attraction in me. It can present an odd dual response in me. I will feel attracted, yet I can also feel a sense of enmity toward the man. All in all, the attraction is much worse if I'm not in touch with my inner masculine.
The last flavor, the 'eye candy' flavor is an attraction toward men who are good looking or who are extremely lean and muscular. This sort of attraction, for me, probably arose due to exposure to pornography, although in it's purest form, it is an admiration for the natural beauty that exists in the people all around me. The problem is that it's been sexualized.
Each of these 'flavors' is separate, but often times they can get combined. I remember with my last exposure to pornography, I ran into a man that exemplified all three flavors of masculinity for me. I found the draw to that man almost irresistible. Sometimes each flavor has a different strength, so it is difficult to pick apart the different aspects to the attraction and address them. Generally, most attractions for me diminish if I can talk with and demystify the man. The father attraction requires a different sort of work. It requires me to clearly see that I'm putting a 'father' energy onto a man. It also requires me to withdraw that energy. Part of me finds that very difficult, because I still long and yearn for that connection with a father figure.
There, that wasn't so scary for me actually. This is the last post I plan on making today. Time to enjoy the weekend. As usual, feel free to comment or to e-mail me.
In this post, I plan on speaking a bit into the kind of people I'm attracted to. I'm going to put it out there in a very generic sense, as well as possibly some explanations into why I think I may have these kinds of attractions. The idea for this blog posts came at the last family function that I attended. My sister told her husband that I had same gender attraction. When I asked her about it at the function, she jokingly said "Just don't hit on him." She laughed and then said something afterward to the effect of "Oh, you're probably not because he's not super mega cute". It made me think, there's a whole lot that I could be attracted to a person than how they look. A whole lot more.
I have some insight into what makes me feel attracted, or repulsed, by different men around me. I don't have it down to an exact science, because I always seem to find exceptions to the rule. I'm probably more complicated than I'm letting myself be.
I think I can boil it down to three different 'flavors' of attraction: attraction to a 'father' figure, attraction to the masculine, and the 'eye candy' attraction.
The father figure attraction can be hard to separate from the masculine flavor of attraction for me. The father figure attraction drives around looking for someone to protect me. It involves looking for a guardian of sorts. A big part of the drive involves having this man, who is strong and powerful, protect and love me. It often manifests in urges to be held or embraced by the man. It often makes me feel like a little child when I'm around men like this. Typically men who are big, big as in physically imposing, tall or with broad shoulders. It usually doesn't have very much to do with the man's personality, although if a man is brash or loud, it tends to destroy any feelings of 'father figure' attraction I may have for them. This flavor of attraction is very frustrating to deal with, because it isn't easily seen or resolved. I'm typically in 'little boy' space when I'm around men like this, so I'm not actively trying to figure out what's going on. I'm more focused on how to 'win' the protection and affection of these men.
The attraction to the masculine is a much broader category. The drive is to connect and have friendship with a man. In more extreme or frustrated cases, it can have sexual flavors to it. Typically men with deep voices, body hair, muscles, who exude confidence, or leadership abilities can trigger this sort of attraction in me. It can present an odd dual response in me. I will feel attracted, yet I can also feel a sense of enmity toward the man. All in all, the attraction is much worse if I'm not in touch with my inner masculine.
The last flavor, the 'eye candy' flavor is an attraction toward men who are good looking or who are extremely lean and muscular. This sort of attraction, for me, probably arose due to exposure to pornography, although in it's purest form, it is an admiration for the natural beauty that exists in the people all around me. The problem is that it's been sexualized.
Each of these 'flavors' is separate, but often times they can get combined. I remember with my last exposure to pornography, I ran into a man that exemplified all three flavors of masculinity for me. I found the draw to that man almost irresistible. Sometimes each flavor has a different strength, so it is difficult to pick apart the different aspects to the attraction and address them. Generally, most attractions for me diminish if I can talk with and demystify the man. The father attraction requires a different sort of work. It requires me to clearly see that I'm putting a 'father' energy onto a man. It also requires me to withdraw that energy. Part of me finds that very difficult, because I still long and yearn for that connection with a father figure.
There, that wasn't so scary for me actually. This is the last post I plan on making today. Time to enjoy the weekend. As usual, feel free to comment or to e-mail me.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Friendship - Thou Art A Strange Beast
Recently, I know I've made posts about friendship. Today, I want to share some of the thoughts I've been having about friendship or perhaps more in general, relationships.
First off, each person is a paradox. A person can be simple. A person can be complex. Sometimes the reason behind how people think, feel, and act is complicated. Sometimes it's very simple.
Relationships can be simple or they can be complex. Friendship can be much the same way. I've found that relationships are simple if both people are expecting or wanting the same thing from it. Friendship is much the same way. I find that things get horribly complicated if each person in a relationship is expecting something different, or are expecting the same thing, in different amounts. If one person starts to expect more than the other person is willing to give, then it can get complicated. If one person starts to give more than the other person is willing to receive, it also gets quite complicated.
Personally, I've been on both ends. I've been on the end where I feel like I'm giving more and more to the person, and receiving very little in return. I've been in those friendships where I reach out continually to try to connect with the other person, but I never see the other person reach back. Sure, when I initiate contact, most people respond and continue that contact. I've also seen the opposite happen. There are people I know who give and give to me, who share there life stories, advice, thoughts, and opinions, and for whatever reason, I don't wish to receive those.
That's the point where things get complicated.
When I see situations where I'm giving too much, I find it difficult, albeit not hard to 'withdraw' from the person. When I realize I'm over committing, it is easy for me to not commit as much. By committing less, I may give that person less attention. I may reach out to them less than I have in the past. I may not try to give them as much touch/affection as I have in the past. It may mean something even more difficult. It may mean reclaiming the 'heartspace' I've given to that person. 'Heartspace' is a pretty complicated term for me. In some ways, it's a measure of my internal commitment toward a person.
I find the harder situations to deal with are when people seem to be 'overcommiting' to try to have a relationship with me. If the person initiates contact, and I don't feel like initiating back. I find myself worried about 'hurting their feelings'. I feel like I'm being cruel if I don't respond to the person. I feel like I'm lying by continuing to interact with the person.
Honestly, I realize that everyone has needs in varying levels and amounts. Perhaps for with some friends, I meet their needs by interacting with them, even if I don't get my needs met in the same way with that relationship. Perhaps other people help meet my needs when they interact with them, yet I don't help feel their needs. Lopsided relationships? Yes. Bad? I'm not sure. Unhealthy? Only if the person on the giving end is putting themselves into a bad place by helping out.
Friendship, for me, is about mutual trust. It's about both people in the relationship wanting and giving on a similar level. There's also the idea of liking each other, of enjoying each others company. There's a drive to continue and maintain the relationship on both sides. There's also a sense of safety, love, and affirmation. Each friendship is different. Each one is on various levels and each one can change over time.
A few more thoughts I've had. I've been reading 'In Quiet Desperation'. In part of the book, Ty Mansfield talks about speaks about the condemnation of homosexuality found in Romans 1. He then spoke that Paul was trying to teach a very important principle. He was trying to warn against the dangers of idolatry. He was stating that by misusing the procreative powers that Heavenly Father has given me, I was starting to worship that power. As Ty Mansfield put it, some people make their sexuality their idol. It then struck me that I had many other idols. The current idol I've been worship is friendship. I've been trying to put the idea of having friendship up and over God. I realize that friendship is something important in my life. Is it really something that should be worshiped? Is it more important than God, the giver of the gift of friendship? Heavens no. Heavenly Father alone should be my object of highest and must worthy worship.
One last thought. I saw a funny twitter hashtag today. It goes something like #SomeoneLetMeKnowWhen. I contemplated a few that I could say, in light of my recent posts and this post. #SomeoneLetMeKnowWhen men will not be afraid of showing pure, non sexual affection toward one another in public. #SomeoneLetMeKnowWhen it is safe to express feelings openly with one another, even if those feelings say 'I don't want to be your friend'.
Just some thoughts and musings I've had. I'd love to hear your thoughts! Please comment, or send me an e-mail.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)