The Issue Cycle 13Feb2012

This last week was a really interesting one for me.  Thankfully, none of it involved a tow truck or a police car.  It was just like I was noticing each and every last male that was even remotely attractive to me.  It really bothered me for a good part of the week, especially since some of my co-workers fall into that category.  Thankfully, I took the day off Friday to get a small reprieve from that.  I've also been noticing how often my thoughts have turned to lust, or how often I find myself indulging in fantasy.  I honestly don't know if this is due to an increase of temptations or if I'm simply becoming more and more aware of my thoughts and my attractions.  I do feel like I'm starting to gain more control over my thoughts.

Anyways, I noticed this morning that a different issue of mine was starting to come up.  I felt like I looked at my life and felt like I didn't have any close friends.  I realized that this is partially a lie on my part.  I have many friends that I can talk to, many people who are safe to share intimate and very personal things.  I just don't understand why something like this keeps coming up.  It could partially be to the fact that I have a tendency to push people away, even when they do get close to me.

I then realized that my issues tend to go through cycles.  I've started to see themes and patterns emerge with thing that I 'deal with'.  Similar issues tend to come up over and over.  Each issue tends to take it's turn on the 'top' of the heap.

Here's a small list:

Touch.  This one tends to be on the quite a bit.  I've often felt the desire to be held by another person.  Lately, I've also been getting desires to hold some friends of mine.  I don't know if it's an attempt to comfort them, or to shelter them.  One of my fears around this is that it's an attempt to try to take away their problems.  On a more positive note, it could be a desire to give to other men what I feel I need.  I've had some very positive and uplifting experiences related to touch and holding, so this issue doesn't seem to be on the top quite as much lately.

Nudity/Body Image.  One of the biggest struggles of the past week seemed to be based around nudity or even how other men look.  I found myself wanting to look, almost obsessively, at other men that I found attractive.  It was like part of me wanted to figure out what it was I was looking for in them.  I also found myself analyzing new men to see if I felt attracted to them or not.  In some cases, I found myself wondering what they would look like unclothed in various degrees.  Those sorts of thoughts unfortunately would quickly lead to inappropriate fantasies many times.  This is an issue that I'm not quite sure how to address.  I feel like I have made some progress with this 'issue', yet it is obvious there still is more work to be done.  Largely, this could be boiled down to either my own body shame, or perhaps just a natural curiosity about what men look like.

Friendship.  Friendship is the one that seems to be on the top most recently.  I see two guys walking down the street together and imagine that they're best of friends.  They're buddies.  They do everything together.  I find myself really wanting something like that.  I look at interactions between men at church, work, or in other places and I judge that they are warm and friendly with each other, and I find myself craving interactions like that or interactions with those men.  I've found myself many times looking at all of my friends and not feeling like there was anyone I was close to.  It makes me wonder what I judge a 'close friendship' to be.  There are many men I share personal things with, yet I don't feel close to those men.  It could be a part of my defensive detachment.  I could emotionally/mentally/behaviorally push men away when they get to close.  The defensive detachment could largely come from feeling hurt by different men in the past (whether they intended to or not).  It could also still be some burnout from my last few attempts at establishing a close friendship with another man.

To speak more of the friendship, I realized last night that I give some men great power to be able to hurt me, to make or break me.  I find that I can grow very dependent, in a sense, to men that I am attracted to.  If they interact positively with me, then everything is great.  If they interact negatively with me, then the world is coming to an end.  The whole thing is not a very healthy thing for me.  It often leads me to feeling hurt.

On another note, I think that friendship is largely based on reciprocation.  I know of many people, both male and female, that have tried to interact with me and share about themselves.  For whatever reason, I have felt like I don't want to share on the same level back.  On the other hand, there are men that I want to share about myself with them and be close to them, but I've felt like they don't want the same thing back.  Even though I realize that it's probably not meant to be personal, I often find myself resenting the man.  I feel hurt, bitter, and angry for a time, and then I find myself trying all over again.  It honestly makes me afraid that seeking out a close friendship with another man is a fool's dream.  Or, I'm afraid that there is something wrong with me that leads to these men not wanting to be close to me.  Maybe there's something about the way I act and share that scares other men away.  Perhaps my expectations are too high.  Perhaps my idea of a close friendship isn't an accurate one.  Or maybe I just keep pushing men away before they have a chance to get close.  Maybe I move too fast and share too much.

I don't know the answer to the friendship thing.  Relationships are complicated, because there are two different people involved.  All I know is that it's the issue that seems to be on 'top' right now.

Bouncing Around In My Head 30Jan2012

Today is another installment of 'Bouncing Around in My Head'.  I'll be exploring a number of thoughts/ponderings that I've been having lately.

Since the coming out post, I actively told a number of friends of mine from my old Sigma Gamma Chi chapter about the fact that I had same gender attraction. (I say old because the fraternity was disbanded last year.) Most of the guys felt honored that I told them.  Some of them were confused.  Some of them already knew about me.  I honestly was confused with the ones that already knew about me.  I wonder why they hadn't ever brought it up with me, or tried to talk with me about it.  It almost makes me feel like they'd been watching me for years, observing this behavior in me.  Honestly, I say that and realize that I'm the one that's been watching my behavior very closely and always trying to decide my motives behind doing things.  For the most part, it's not always fair to myself.  Often times, my motives start out innocent.  As I over-think things, I twist my own motives into things more insidious.

On a happy note, I've been asking for safe places to get my touch needs met.  It's been very helpful and scary. It's interesting that I'm so unfamiliar with asking for something like that that I'm terrified of asking, and also scared when it happens.  On the other hand, not taking care of this need of mine was slowly killing me, and led me to do something desperate.  Thankfully, nothing too terrible happened there.  Since then, I've been fulfilling my needs in a better, safer, healthier way.  I'm trying to accept the fact that I need to regularly get this need met.  I have a need for closeness with other men.  In my eyes, it's a very natural, nonsexual sort of thing.  It's when I don't get it met that it morphs into something else.  Today, I still feel a drive to seek out touch, but I don't feel nearly as desperate or like I'm white knuckling through things as much.

Last Friday, I was exchanging some texts with an acquaintance of mine.  He also experiences same gender attraction and has decided to have a boyfriend.  Whenever we text, he nearly always says that he's doing 'great'.  In our last exchange, he told (as he has before) that I was 'born this way' and that I should 'just get a man to sleep with'.  Honestly, his comments infuriated me.  I highly disagree with the idea that I was born with same gender attraction.  I also wasn't born 5'6" with a full head of hair, an adult body, and a passion for games of all sorts.  Those were things that developed over time.  I could agree with the fact I was born with a tendency to be attracted toward other men.  Perhaps my spirit was created with a greater need to bond with those of my same gender.  I can agree with the idea that I was born more sensitive and introverted.  I can't agree with the idea I was born with same gender attraction.  So, 'born this way'. If you're talking about my personality, then yes.  If you're talking about same gender attraction, no.  I honestly feel like same gender attraction, specifically when it's a sexual nature, is a construct on top of some of my more basic personality features, basic needs, learned behaviors, and unmet needs.  Same gender attraction, for me, is something far too complicated for a newborn to have.

In contract, I was speaking with another friend of mine, who also has same gender attraction, and he asked me a very profound question.  Instead of trying to play the 'I know exactly who you are' card, he opted to understand my position.  He asked me: "For whom are you trying to be straight?"  Honestly, the question stunned me.  I honestly wasn't quite sure at the time, and I realize the question is far more complicated than it may appear on the surface.  I'll have to address it once piece at a time.

I'll start near the end with the word 'trying to be straight'.  I can honestly state that in the past, I have tried to be straight.  I've tried to suppress and ignore my feelings of same gender attraction.  All it brought me was depression, self hatred, and misery.  Since I've started to face and understand my feelings of attraction for men, I've slowly been learning to accept them.  It's been a long process.  I still have a long ways to go.  There's probably some lingering part of me that expects me to magically want to date women, feel emotional/sexually attracted to them, and want to marry one.  There definitely is some lingering self hatred and resentment for the fact that I have same gender attraction.  I'm still pushing through.  Until I fully accept the fact I have this, I doubt that Heavenly Father will fully reveal His intention for giving me this trial/challenge/curse/blessing.  Recently, I had a profound talk with my therapist (see this blog post) that helped open my eyes to the possibility of embracing and accepting my same gender attraction, without giving up my religious beliefs.  I honestly do believe I can enjoy deep, emotional connection with men and not break any laws of the gospel.  I also believe I can be physically close (note not sexually/romantically close) with other men and not be breaking any laws of the gospel.  The goal is for me to slowly work myself into a position where I can accept and embrace those things, because I believe they are things that I need.  I've denied them for a long time, so it's going to take more time.

Now for the first part 'for whom'.  For me, that's asking 'Why do I do what I do?'  As I've thought about this question, I've also been reading I Don't Want To Kill You by Dan Wells.  The book is about a sociopath teen who is obsessed with serial killers.  He's studied how they work and think.  One of the questions that he likes to ask is 'What did the killer do, that they didn't have to do?'  The whole point of it was to understand how the serial killer is thinking.  Or more accurately, what kind of holes the serial killer is trying to fill in their soul with killing.  I also asked myself this question, trying to understand why I masturbate.  Beyond eating, drinking, sleeping, and physical touch, there's not much I need to do in relation to my body.  Why would I do something unnecessary like masturbation?  What kind of hole am I trying to fill?  After examining the behavior, and the thoughts that come up related to it, I realized that I was trying to find connection with other people.  There is a hole where other people should go in my heart.  For some reason, I have a hard time filling up that hole.  I try to fill it up with something else, masturbation.  And that honestly doesn't fill it up for me.  I just realized that this paragraph is totally off topic.

Now, back to the original subject, why do I do what I do?  My ultimate goal is to do things for Heavenly Father.  I want to do His will.  I want to be back in His presence one day.  I want to have His happiness.  I've felt His love.  I yearn to feel it all the time.  Is that what always motivates me?  Of course not.  Sometimes I do things purely for myself (out of selfishness).  Sometimes I do things for myself to take care of myself (out of love for myself).  Sometimes I do things to ascribe to an ideal, standard, or religious teaching.  My least favorite is when I do things because of what I worry of what other people would think or what society would think of me.  That has never led me to happiness.  Ultimately, I want to be inspired and moved to act by love.  Pure love.  Charity.  Love for myself, for my fellow man (and woman), and for a love of God.

Much easier said than done.

Well, friend who shall go unnamed, thank you for posing that question! It's honestly led me to recommitting myself to seek out the pure love of Christ (see Moroni 7:44-48 for one of my favorite definitions of charity).  It's also helped me take another look at myself in a different sort of light.  Thank you again!

Thank you for reading.  If you have comments/insights/musings/questions, feel free to e-mail me (my e-mail is below).  You can also comment on this blog post.  Also, I accept text messages and Facebook messages (if you happen to know how to contact me that way).

Thank you friends.
-Andrew

Paths Laden With Fog

I've been coming to learn, or more accurately re-learn, a few things about myself lately.  Recently, I've been feeling pretty desperate for connection with other men.  Granted, I've been talking and reaching out more than normal.  I've even told a number of my friends about me, just in case they weren't following this blog.  The desperation still wasn't being alleviated.  There's a few simple facts that seem to contribute to this.

First off, my primary love language is touch (If you are unfamiliar with what a 'love language' is, see The 5 Love Languages site, it's also a book).  Because of that, my primary way of feeling and expressing love toward other people is through touch, and this very much focused around men, with very few exceptions for women, most of whom are in my family.  Most of the time, the expression has very little to do with lust or sexual desire.  Sometimes it's a simple expression that I like the person or value them as a friend.  Nothing more and nothing less.

This gets obviously frustrated by some aspects of American culture.  In my perception, we're not a very touchy-feely sort of people, at least out in public.  The same seems to be true when I visit church.  In my home ward (by home I mean parent's ward), the people are very good at shaking hands.  The last singles ward I was in, and this current ward don't seem to be very good at that, and I'm far too shy to even initiate that kind of contact.

Anyways, I was starting to feel desperate for some kind of physical contact with a man.  I can look back now and see how crazy I was, because I have a whole group of friends that are willing to give appropriate, safe, and bonding touch with me.  I told myself all sorts of lies to keep myself from asking them.  It led me to seeking the safe, appropriate sort of touch in a very dangerous environment.

As an interesting aside, I notice a pattern that emerges when I feel like my touch need isn't getting met.  I start to get the crazy notion that people will start spontaneously offering the kind of touch that I need or want.  I start to drop into a childlike state, where I expect the people around me to know what my needs are.  I basically tend to regress.  When my need isn't met (which happens very often because I'm not asking for help to get them met), I start to slip into a state of defensive detachment.  I get angry, and I feel lonely.  In an attempt to escape the pain of not having the need met, I seek out 'numbing agents' of sorts.  I turn to video games generally.  The sort of lull and trance they put me in provides a false sense of peace and comfort, yet always lead me to a sense of emptiness and loneliness.  When that isn't enough, I turn to stronger 'numbing agents': masturbation and pornography.  Like video games, they leave with a more profound feeling of emptiness and numbness.  In this state of numbness, I'm even less likely to ask for what I need.  It's a vicious downward spiral.

At my support group this week, I managed to touch both the pain and the feeling of emptiness and detachment.  It's amazing how familiar both of them feel.  I'm often not even conscious of it.  The detachment feels warm, familiar, old, and oddly peaceful.  Yet it also feels like I'm all alone in a dark room with no one else there.  The room is empty and vast.

As I discussed this at my support group, I realized that detachment and numbness is a choice I make.  It's a choice that leads me down a road that ends up with me curled up in a ball trying to shut everything else out.  It leads me to somewhere dark, lonely, yet safe.  As I talked, I also realized there were other paths.  There are other choices.  There are many different people to ask for help from.  All of the roads were covered in fog.  I couldn't determine their outcome.  The path to numbness, however, was quite clear.  I know where it would lead me.  I've taken it so many times, that the outcome is sure.

That aside, at support group I also recalled the last time I felt like I wanted some touch, specifically, I wanted to be held.  It was when I was having a talk with my dad about this blog post.  Forgive me other blog readers, but I'd like to address my dad personally.  Feel free to read as well!

Dad, I think you may remember the last time we got together and chatted about a blog post I had made, one about some past shameful lies I'd been believing for years.  Wow, this is hard, tears are already in my eyes.  I remember as we talked that I one point, I simply wanted you to reach out your arms and cradle me, and comfort me.  When I realized that, I almost immediately started to belittle/demean/talk down to myself about it.  'Why would an adult want to be held? I should be independent.  I shouldn't need this.  I shouldn't want this.'  Despite what I said, the desire was still there.  The pain was still there.  I wanted to connect.  I wanted to connect like a child would connect with his father.  I wanted to be held by you.  Yet, like a child, I found myself powerless to ask for what I wanted.  I found myself incapable of expressing the words.  Maybe because I was starting to feel, live, and act from a very young state, perhaps before I could even talk.  I've always wondered why I've struggled to connect with you.  I know I've been defensively detached from both you and Mom.  I'm starting to wonder if the problem and solution lie somewhere in the desire to be held by you, dad.  I somehow want to go back to where the defensive detachment started, attach, instead of detaching, and start unraveling years of me detaching myself from you.  Honestly, I feel afraid to ask for what I want.  I honestly don't know how you would take it, or even if you know how to hold me.  I don't even know how long it would take, or even if it would take more than one time of it happening.  There are many, many years of detachment.  Many years of me isolating myself from you.  I still think we can bridge the gap and heal this.  Honestly, the path is laden with fog.  All I know for now is there is a desire for me to be held by you.

Thank you for indulging me readers.  I feel nearly overcome inside with the sadness and the pain.  When I was a child, I didn't know what I needed.  I obviously felt a need to be safe, so I started to withdraw from my parents.  I honestly have no idea where it started.  All I know is that it worked at the time, and now, it isn't working as an adult.  To be withdrawn and detached from the people around me, means I can continue to be safe, but also broken, hurt, lonely, and ultimately, empty.  It also means that I defend myself from others attempts to truly love me.  It also extends to and disrupts my relationship with God.

The future paths are laden with fog.  I could continue to take the one familiar path, that leads me to loneliness.  I think it's time to start taking one of the fog laden ones and push through to see what's on the other side of the fog.

Oh, and a personal request.  If you know me, in person, I would definitely appreciate more hugs!  However that looks for you.

Thank you for reading.

Victimization, Defensive Detachment, And Tumm Arising

I couldn't think of a better title for this post.  I had a number of very powerful insights yesterday during my support group.  The day started out pretty bad and ended up being a lot better.

As I went to my support group, I finally got some insight into the fact that I have been victimizing myself quite a bit lately.  I pass a lot of time thinking basically 'Poor me!'  Instead of doing something about the problems and situations that are in front of me, I let myself languish in agony over past hurts and offenses.  I had been feeling lonely, but at the same time I was so focused on the fact that no one was talking to me, that I didn't reach out to talk to others.  I was lonely, and doing nothing but dwelling on the fact that I was lonely.  I was making myself a victim, a martyr if you will. 

During my support group, I realize this, and started to decide that I was tired of making myself the victim.  I was tired of taking the passive route in my life.  I was going to do something.  As I made this resolution, I discovered that my victimization and my defensive detachment are very closely intertwined.  When I become the victim, everyone around me turns into someone that has or will hurt me, and then I withdraw myself to keep myself "safe".  It's a pattern I've followed for so many years.  I've perpetuated the disconnection, the loneliness, and the pain by not connecting to the people around me.  In a sense, I was abusing myself and denying myself what I really needed.

It was interesting the surge of power that I have felt today.  I felt like I got things done!  I had some questions about a internet service providers service and I actually called them up rather than spending time trying to assume what it was like.  I took a step to correct a mistake that I had made.  When I found myself slipping into the 'poor me!' mindset, I quickly reminded myself that I am not a victim.

Sure, I may be hurt.  I may be broken on the inside.  I'm battered, bruised, and wounded.  That doesn't mean that I can't stand up and fight.  I still have my resilience and inner strength.  I can still stand my ground, and I still have the power to choose.  My gift of agency doesn't depend on anything being perfect in my life.  Like I overheard in Primary this last week at church, angency is the power to choose.  As I felt my 'inner Tumm' well up, I felt myself tapping into that power.  It was incredible.  Yesterday night and today are probably the few times in a long time where I've felt Tumm become more 'integrated' into me, instead of him being a totally separate part of me.  It's so weird to feel a 'steeling' of sort inside.  I don't think I've ever felt so strong.

It's been some incredible progress.

Going forward, I'm going to take a more proactive step to reach out for help.  I have many, many wonderful, caring, and loving friends who are willing to listen and help me work through things.

I also realize that this strength comes from my Heavenly Father.  He's the one that gave me the gift of agency and gave me the wonderful gift of life.  When I use this gift He's given me to follow His path, then His power flows through me to touch everything I touch.

Oh, and don't make Tumm angry.  He likes to throw around fire when he gets upset.



P. S. Tumm was first introduced in this post.

Underneath The Armor - A Status Update 11Jan2012

It's been about four days since I last posted on here.  The last major post that I made was basically claiming this blog as my own and putting my own name on it.  I basically put it out in the public that I experience same gender attraction and often struggle with it.

It's been an interesting and disappointing last few days.  So far, a number of people have commented on the blog post, some friends from college and a former co-worker.  Also, a few people from the SSA community have also talked to me about it.  Honestly, I was hoping for some other people to see and respond.  There are other people with whom I want to be more open and honest.  Yet, I'm still afraid to share myself with those people, especially about the attraction.  Even though it's 'out there' I'm still afraid of owning up to it in public.  The most I've tried is texting someone from the group and asking if they've read my blog.  All I've heard back was 'Yeah, I knew that you had a blog.'  That's about as far as I felt safe pushing on it.  Really, if a person does or doesn't read my blog, it's more of the other person's choice.  I feel like I've tried to make it public, and tried to share it.

On to the main topic of my post.  Lately, the weather here in Utah has taken a turn for the cold again, so I'm layering up.  This morning, after putting on my jacket and my coat, I honestly wished I could put on a mask or a faceguard of some kind.  I've been feeling very ashamed of how I've been feeling/thinking/acting lately.  I know that I'm not in a very good place, yet I'm too afraid to reach out for the help I need.  I find myself waiting for other people to do it first as if I expect everyone else to inherently know that things aren't going well with me.  I can probably count on one hand the number of people who have reached out to support me or at least reached out to contact me.

Lately, some people have been asking me 'Hey, how are you?' or any of it's variants or mutations.  They've asked me in a variety of places.  Honestly, the responses may very with how much I trust the person.  I've honestly put on a great deal of 'armor' or 'masks' lately to cover up what's really been going on.

So how am I doing?

Outer layer:
In the outermost layer, I'll probably smile, give a nod.  I'll say I'm doing 'alright' or 'good' or possibly even 'well' if I'm actually feeling good at the time.  In this layer, I generally hide a great deal of what's really going on.  I feel uncomfortable going in deeper, so I often move away or keep the topics of conversation at very superficial levels.

One layer down:
On this layer, I may actually honestly say if I'm doing well or not.  I may say 'I'm having a rough time' without going into details.  My smile may fade.  My eyes may begin to tell the truth of my story.  Even at this layer, I feel uncomfortable and unsafe with a good majority of people.

Two layers down:
On this layer, I may start to go into the details of what's been going on.  I may say 'I've been feeling sad/angry/lonely/depressed.'  Even my feelings cover up a great deal of what's been going on.

Three layers down:
Things start to get even more personal.  I share more details of what's going on.  I feel like an outsider at church.  I try to smile and be friendly, but it doesn't seem to help.  People don't seem to want to sit by me.  People at work seem to avert their gaze when I go by.  People don't seem to want to interact with me, unless I do so first.  On this layer, I point my finger in blame at the other people.  I start to tap into the pain that I feel most of the time.  I may admit that I feel attracted to other people.

Four layers down:
I realize that all the things I've been blaming other people for, are really my fault.  I say 'No one wants to sit with me at Elder's Quorum, because there's something wrong with me.'  On this layer, I tell myself there are things 'wrong with me'.  I honestly have a hard time expressing this to other people.  I honestly even have a hard time admitting that I tell myself these things.  On this layer, I may realize that the way other people act really has little to do with me and everything to do with them.  I'm more honest at this layer of who I'm attracted to and what attracts me about them.  I'm also honest about how my I am disgusted with myself, or how I put myself down over why I feel attracted to certain people.  I put myself down for the desires related to those attractions.

There are things that I am even afraid of speaking about publicly, in this blog.

How have I been doing? Honestly, I've been doing poorly lately.  I've been struggling with the basics of prayer and reading my scriptures.  I've been trying to pray, but sometimes I feel like I've been left to struggle through things on my own.  My work has changed lately, and I feel bored and even more alone.  I feel frustrated when I'm attracted to a person that I see either at work, in public, or in my support group.  I've been growing more isloated and withdrawn.  I've grown tired of listening to the voices in my head that cry out that other people have hurt me, left me, abandoned me.  I'm tired of asking myself 'Why won't anyone sit next to me?'  'Why don't people talk to me unless I talk to them first?'.  I've grown so tired of hearing my own personal demons hiss from other people's faces.

How have I been coping?  I've been trying to drown my woes in computer games, staying up late, eating chocolate.  I've been struggling against the temptation to look at triggering pictures.  I've been struggling with the habit of masturbation.  I've been struggling with fantasizing what it would be like to be with another man.

What is it I need?




Honestly, I'm not entirely sure.  Love.  I want to feel loved by the people around me.  I want to feel loved by Heavenly Father.  Maybe part of what I need is to stop sabotaging other people's attempts to love me.  I honestly think that I've been hiding from the hurt for so long, that opening up to feel loved is only going to bring up all that hidden hurt.  I'm afraid of it.  I run from it, yet it never leaves me.  It always is with me no matter what I do to try to numb it or drown it out.

This morning, a quote from a General Authority which says something like this 'Assume that the people around you are in distress, and you will often be right'.  It occurred to me on my drive in to work that other people are probably in just as much pain as I am.  People around me are probably struggling with loneliness, with attraction, with anger, with sadness, and with depression.  The people around me are also probably screaming out in pain, screaming out to be loved by the people around them as well.

That makes me think a number of things.  First, part of me wants to think I'm insane for asking to feel loved by the people around me.  If everyone is struggling just as much as I am, how am I supposed to expect them to go out of their way to express any kind of love for me?  Second, I deride myself for not reaching out to help lift other people more.  Third, I feel frustrated that when I have reached out, the other people have been to armored to respond.  I realize this has honestly a lot more to do with the other people than it has to do with me.  I'm not going to try to force a response out of people.  If I were to force another person, it would probably damage my relationship with the person, and wouldn't do them a whole lot of good.  In other words, forcing another person to open up would be more about me than it would be about the other person.  Fifth, I need to show more compassion for the people around me.  Honestly, I need to have more compassion for myself, and more patience.  I need to stop getting stuck in the trap of self-pity.

In summary, all I want is to feel loved and to love the people around me.  What impedes me are the demons, the lies that resound inside my head and the temptations that easily beset me.  I often get stuck so deeply in the trap of self-pity that I don't reach out for help, or I reject the attempts of people to try to reach out to me.  In short, I'm convinced that I've gone totally crazy in the head.  I honestly wonder if I should be locked up in a padded chamber so my craziness won't hurt me or anyone else.

If you're reading this, and you are struggling in some way, please take care of yourself.  Talk to the people that you love and trust.  Also, even if you are struggling or aren't, take time to reach out and show your love to the people around you.  It may look any number of ways.  Maybe it means writing a letter, or an e-mail, or sending a text.  Maybe it looks like putting your arm around someone.  Maybe it means being a shoulder to try on or a listening ear.  Maybe it means giving a person some space to breath.  Maybe it means trying to move in a bit closer and being a bit more honest with that person.  In any case, perhaps the person best to start with would be yourself.

The Demons Come In Sideways

First off, this post is a scary one to write.  I feel like I may be writing about some thoughts and ideas that I've never shared before.  Also, I feel like I may be sharing one of the devils tricks.  Also, I'm afraid of some of the ramifications of what I want to share in this post.

Last night started out normal, and slowly turned into something very painful.  Typically on Thursday nights, I go and play computer games with some friends.  Last night ended with me tweeting some very scary things.  I'll start with those:

"The battlefield of the mind is a dynamic place.  One moment, things are calm.  The next, legions of demons emerge from the shadows."
"At first, the demons smile disarmingly, disabling defenses and setting all at ease."
"Then they slip sideways into thoughts, planing corrupt, poisoned seeds of lies that spread like a virus."
"Finally when the person has started to succumb to the poison, they try to crush the person with darkness and despair."

Last night, I was heading home on what I thought would be a typical night.  Rush home, grab my computer, and rush to hang to with the friends.  It would be an enjoyable evening where we ran around together in the game and laughed and struggled through it together.  At least, that was what I was hoping for.  I wanted to try to get to where we were meeting early to see if I could finish a book that I've been reading for the past month or so.

When I got home, I had a surprised.  There were a lot more people in the front room than I expected.  To explain, I live with a family of four.  Sitting on the couch was the father, as well as another man I knew, as well as some of both of their children sitting in chairs.  I was so shocked, I didn't recognize the other man for a few moments.  He smiled and said 'hi'.  In a daze, I think I said 'hi' to the man and his wife and went into my room to prepare my computer for transport.

By then, the demons had slipped out of the shadows.  Without realizing it, the negative self talk had started in my head:

Why is that family visiting? It seems that the two families are becoming good friends.  I feel kind of left out.  Well, that's my fault.  I'm hardly home and I hardly like to spend time with the family anyways.  The two guys seem to have a really good friendship going on.  I guess I'm not the kind of person that the other man was looking for.  I guess I'm not good enough.

It happened so quickly.  I became pretty withdrawn, and felt like I was a shadow moving through the place I lived.  Although I did want to give both of those men I knew, who are my friends, hugs before I left, I instead left the scene as quickly as I could, listening away to the lies in my head:

Oh, I don't want to do that in front of either of the wives.  What will they think of me?  Will they think I'm trying to hit on them?  Trying to make a pass?

It was when I was driving away when I finally realized I was listening to some of the oldest lies I've told myself for years.  "People don't care about me.  I'm not good enough.  I'm not worth love and affection."  I tried to counter it with truths I knew, but the poison had set in.  I felt sad.  I felt lonely.

I arrived at the game night, and it wasn't anything like I had hoped it to be.  Me and the 3 other guys were all doing different things in different places in the games.  It was incredibly lonely.  I made a few snarky jokes on and off, feeling vaguely angry that we weren't all together in the game, yet I didn't do anything about that fact.

As I was driving home, the sadness and the loneliness had set in.  My mind started to wonder.

There are deer along this part of the road.  What if I hit one of them?  I could die.  Mom would be there at my funeral crying.  Dying wouldn't be so bad.  I'd be free from the pain I have here, this grief and pain.

That's when I shook my head and realized I was fantasizing.  Still, I felt a deep pain in my heart.  I was crying.  I was sad, hurting, overcome by grief, a combination of the pain of loneliness, and the pains of a guilty conscious.  I knew I was guilty of so many different sins.  It felt like my heart was breaking.

As I carried my computer back into where I live, I felt dark, crushing despair.  It was like something was trying to squeeze the hope out of me. It was a struggle to breath, and I managed to unlock the house and get inside.  As I went back for the rest of the computer, I didn't want to go back inside.  I knew the demons were out there.  Finally, I was able to get everything in my house.

I was tempted with various things.  One thought said 'Oh, set up your computer, look at some pornography. You'll feel better.'  Another said 'Why don't you masturbate?  It's the only time you're really loving yourself!  After all, only you love yourself.'  And even, there was a few thoughts about trying to end my life.  I'm very scared to admit, but I did consider it for a moment, and even thought of way to do it.

All through this, I was praying.  I was trying to connect.  I honestly don't know why I didn't feel an answer.  I laid down, texting two friends of mine.  The pain was still there.  Tears were still streaming down my face.  Many times I whimpered because of the pain.  Sometimes, I just wanted to implode on the spot and stop being because it felt like too much.  I don't ever remember falling asleep.

This morning, I can still feel that pain in my heart.  I still do feel a sense of guilt over things I've done.  The one sin I was guilty of last night was perpetuating those lies I've told myself all the years and for listening to those demons.  Honestly, I am afraid.  I feel afraid whenever thoughts of suicide come up.  I honestly feel like I'm too much of a coward to actually do anything like that.  I also realize it would cause a great deal of pain to many people that I love.  At what point though, does the pain get to be too much?  I honestly feel like I am getting near some kind of breaking point.  Something has to give.  There's something in me that needs to break before I can move on from whatever it is I've been going through the last day, week, month...time period.

For now, I'm going to keep moving and try to feel my way through this pain.

Blood & Darkness

I'm having a hard time coming up with a title for this post.  I think it's mostly a random collection of thoughts that I've been having lately.

First, I'm very grateful for a number of things that are happening in my life. I feel like I'm facing and trying to root out some deep set lies I've told myself.  I've also started to feel again the love that Heavenly Father has for me.  Also, I've had some really good hugs lately.  It seems it's been awhile since hugging has felt good for me.

On another hand, life has been a struggle.  I've been facing loneliness.  I've been struggling with sinning and giving in to temptation.  Even thought I'm blessed with a degree of physical agility and balance, it feels like I'm very clumsy with relationships.

This morning, I was thinking about a number of different friendships that have changed 'for the worse' in my opinion.  I also thought of a number of friendships that just didn't work out for me.  I thought that I was the one responsible for all of it.  The thought 'I ruin everything!' entered into my mind.  That's when a second voice started.  It said 'Sure, you may ruin things, but that's what the Atonement is for.  It's to fix things'.  Angrily I thought to myself 'That's no excuse!'  That's when the voice replied 'It's not an excuse; it's a mercy'.  I've been pondering on that idea for a long time.  The fact that I can repent is a mercy granted to me.  I may struggle with the same sins, the same mistakes over and over again.  That's fine.  I'm not perfect.  Each time I repent doesn't have to be the ultimate final time to find mercy.

There's another thing I am grateful for.  I have about 6 different CDs of music in my car, and I've set the CD player to random.  Lately, it's been playing the Bayonetta CD far more than all of the other ones.  I finally took the time last night to finalize my own personal mix of the songs I enjoyed the most.  I put it in the car this morning.  When the CD started playing, the first song it played was 'Blood & Darkness'.  In the past when the song had played, I could only think of what was going on in that game when the song was playing.  It was the final battle between Bayonetta and another witch named Jeanne.  It always seemed to be about their struggle.  Oddly, when the music was playing, it felt like it was more about my struggle in life.  It feels like I'm there fighting against the Darkness of life.  Where does the Blood come in?  The Blood could easily represent the blood of the Lamb that was spilled for me.  It can represent the power of the Atonement that fights on my side against the darkness.  I am once again amazed at how gospel truths can show up nearly anywhere if I look hard enough for them.

Maybe I do make mistakes.  Maybe I have broken some good friendships.  Maybe I did push too far in a few relationships.  The Atonement is there to heal me, to bind up my wounds, and give me the power to fight against the evil of the world.  I'm not alone in this.  None of us are alone in this.

I will be writing up a post about the song 'Blood & Darkness' as well as a few other from the Bayonetta soundtrack that I've liked.  When it's written, it will be linked here.

Toxic Shame, Deep-set Lies

This will be a difficult post to write for me.  Not difficult because I'm afraid to share it.  Difficult because of the pain I know that it's going to touch on.  Once more, into the breach.

In my support group this week, I did something where I looked into events where I had felt shamed.  Sometime soon, I'll have to start up a series of posts called 'From the Memory Vault' where I share things from my past that I'm able to remember.  I actually have a draft for one, but I'm too afraid to share it.  I'm frankly worried about how I could explain it without the event becoming too pornographic.  Here's a list of some of the shameful memories that I was able to remember this week:

• In kindergarten, I colored a hand purple.  The teacher had me re-color it because it was the 'wrong color'.
• In kindergarten, my teacher found my lunch, raised it up, asked who's it was.  I raised my hand and she didn't see me, and it caused trouble later.
• I was forced to recount in front of the whole primary a time when I didn't come when my mother called
• At 8, I was told 'He shouldn't have gone in there!' by a man at the front desk of a military locker room, after I had gone in with my dad
• My dad telling me, at 8-9 years old, "If you were older, you would have needed to talk to a bishop"
• Various events with yelling and throwing of toys
• Me getting caught playing the Legend of Zelda early in the morning...Sunday morning
• Me getting in trouble for spitting on a girl

That was the list of memories of shame that I had from this group.  As a kid, these were some of the messages that I got:

• I don't belong here
• I'm not valued
• I don't belong with men
• I don't matter
• I do everything wrong
• I'm always in trouble
• You don't care.

At some point early in my life, I decided that people didn't care about me.  I must have started ignoring any attempts by people around me to love and care about me.  Even if I was able to perceive it, I would eventually rationalize it away.  In short, I was detached from the people around me.  I figured, if they don't care about me, why should I care about them?  I decided to go off and live in a fantasy world.  At the same time, I became a 'people pleaser'.  I did whatever it took to make people leave me alone.  I would satisfy people and try not to draw attention to myself.  I did my best in school for fear of 'doing things wrong'.  I remember being mortified the first time I was late to a class in my life.


I delved a bit deeper into that first memory I shared.  At one point, I came to the realization that my teacher didn't care about me.  No one seemed to care about me growing up.  I was just another warm body.  I was an object in the room.  And deep down, all I wanted as a kid was to feel special, loved, noticed, cared for, delighted in.

I also got some good insight into one of my 'flavors' of attraction.  I generally feel attracted to men bigger than me, to men that I judge are stronger than me.  I also feel afraid around them, intimidated by them.  It's an interesting internal conflict.  I think it goes back to feeling shamed by various adults in my life.  I wanted to feel loved by them, and instead I felt shamed by them.  To this day, I find myself seeking that love and approval from the 'big men', from the 'adults'.  I still want and crave that acceptance, affection, affirmation, ...love from them.  That flavor of attraction is one of the hardest to 'shake off'.  It's one of the hardest to resolve for me, probably because it's very deeply set.

Last night, I went to hang out with some friends.  As soon as I showed up, they said 'hi', but then went back to talking with each other.  I felt that same story come up. 'They don't care.  They've never cared.  You're just another person to them'.  I tried to compensate by smiling and making jokes.  On the way home, I felt lonely.  As I was driving, I was looking at the world around me, admiring Heavenly Father's handiwork.  A thought came to me: yes, this is a manifestation of His love.  But, it's a manifestation of His love to everyone.  It's a blanket statement.  It's sent out generally to everyone.  I do acknowledge there have been a few times when I have seen tender mercies in my life, when I have felt that I was specifically cared for.  Somehow...I'm just not feeling it right now.

This morning, it finally hit me.  The same idea 'You don't care' shows up in my relationship with my Heavenly Father.  When I pray, I tell myself that I'm just another warm body to Him.  No wonder the heaven's have felt so closed.  No wonder I feel like I've slipped through the cracks and have fallen of His radar.  I keep telling myself the same lie.

The same lie that has been lodged deep in my psyche.

I've even tried telling myself positive stories.  Sure, they help for awhile, but the same old lie creeps up and slowly strangles my attempts at changing how I think.  The poison is set deep.

Now I sit here, feeling empty, with the beginnings of tears in my eyes.  I don't even know if I can see the depth of this wound that was dealt to me.  I feel angry that I've continued to tell myself the same lie.  I'm angry that I made the choice to feel ashamed and to detach while I was young.  I feel like I've screwed up my life by making the choices I did.  "It's all my fault".  I chose to react the way I did.  I chose to detach.  It's my choice, I have to live with the consequences.

Perhaps I'm not heeding the saying that I came up with while talking with a friend a few weeks ago.  The saying is 'You're supposed to carry your cross, not nail yourself to it!'  I need to find a way to carry the burden this lie has created without it paralyzing me.  And ultimately, I need to find out how to heal it and how to surrender it.  There is a way.  I believe that there is healing through Christ's Atonement.  There is strength there, and there is grace.  There is forgiveness and love.  My heart feels too afraid to trust.  It's been hurt so many times before. I keep hurting it by feeding it the same lie, and yet I keep sheltering it from any outside attempt to heal it.

Sounds like madness to me.

Music That Speaks To Me - Where Are You Christmas?

Christmas is coming up soon.  Along with it, there are many different Christmas songs that I've come to enjoy over the years.  Some of my favorites "O Come, O Come Emmanuel", "O Holy Night", "Angels We Have Heard On High."

One in particular seems to relate with how I've felt about Christmas the last few years.  It's "Where Are You Christmas?"

Alas, I couldn't find a YouTube video that I could embed, so I'll just have to settle with a link to the song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdoMRT5smHc


Lyrics:

Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play

My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too

Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go

Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh

If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time

I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart with love

Where are you Christmas
Fill your heart with love
[Taken from: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/faithhill/whereareyouchristmas.html]

I honestly don't know when it began.  At least when I was still going to college, Christmas was something that excited me.  I still could touch with that little kid feeling of excitement and wonder.  I've felt this Christmas season, as well as the last, that I don't get that sense of wonder or awe that I used to feel.  I used to feel so enchanted and enamored with it.  I feel like I've lost the Christmas spirit over the years.  The dreams have slowly slipped away.

The cause?  I believe I've become to focus on the 'how' of Christmas, the little logistical details to help the day go 'smoothly'.  I have some family members that seem to focus on trying to make the day as 'perfect' as possible.  As such, it turns into a stress-fest.  The day becomes just another day focused on to-dos.  As such, I'd rather spend time away from family to avoid that stress.

What is the true Christmas spirit?  I believe it is the spirit of Christ.  It's the spirit of love, of giving, of family, of warmth, of light, of acceptance.  I will always be in awe of Him, the only one of us to grace this planet, and live a perfect life.

This song helps touch on both sides of how I see Christmas.  On one hand, there's the 'Where did the spirit of the season go?'  On the other hand, I can see and feel the spirit of Christ.  I think children naturally can tap into that spirit.  As I've gotten older, and gotten further from the innocence of youth, I think I've let that true spirit of love slip away.

That's probably why I've always wondered where Christmas went.

I think this year, I've started to get it back.  But like anything in life, it is a process.  I'm still learning to love and to give freely.  And that is what this time of year is all about.  No, that is what all year long should be about.  The spirit of love and of giving is a spirit I should seek out all throughout the year.  Christmas is just a convenient time to be reminded of the path I need to follow in my life, the same path that Christ took when he was here on the earth.

The sense of the magic of the season, the wonder, the awe, and the excitement may not be something that will come back.  However, I do believe that I can receive the spirit of the season, the spirit of Christ.  That is something that will not fade away.  That is only something that will grow stronger over the years.

Self Talk

Today I want to talk about something a friend of mine called 'Self Talk'.  Now, a person may think 'You talk to yourself?  You're crazy!'  Funny thing, my brain hardly ever shuts itself down.  When it's not busy focusing on the task at hand, it could be analyzing the situation, resting (sometimes), or it could be engaged in telling me something about the situation (self talk).

Let's take this last weekend for example.  Friday night, I spent time with family, and felt really good.  Saturday evening I also spent time with some friends that was very uplifting, entertaining, and gave me that lovely 'feel good' feeling inside (interestingly enough, without a whole lot of cuddle time, but that is beside the point).  Sunday rolls around, and I'm still feeling pretty good, albeit a bit tired.  I get to church, and suddenly, the feelings of loneliness start to kick in.  Elder's Quorum it seemed to be particularly bad, and I was feeling really down.  Only after I got home, did I realize I'd been engaging in some negative self talk.

This is a more accurate view of what was going on:

Outside action: I drive into the parking lot, and feel like parking further away from everyone else.
Self talk: I don't have friends in this ward.  I don't belong here.  I want to park far away so that the pain of trying to pretend to be 'close' to the ward is less.

Outside action: I sit down in sacrament meeting, alone.
Self talk: I'm all alone.  Everyone else has a family.  I'm not the same as everyone else here.  I'm a loner.  I'm lonely.  I'll always be lonely if I'm single.  I'm less than the other people in the ward.

Outside action: I look around, a notice some men that I'm attracted to.
Self talk: I shouldn't be scoping other people out.  I'm being some kind of voyeur.

Outside action: I see a man who I've noticed is affectionate toward  his kids.  I find myself straining to see if he's doing it today.
Self talk: You're some kind of stalker.  Why do you want to see that?

Outside action: My Elder's Quorum president talks how if people are in need, they can ask their home teachers for help or their friends in the ward.
Self talk: I'm in some dire emotional need.  I need friends in this ward.  I don't really have any friends.  My home teachers don't visit me.  I don't feel like I'm making a difference here.  I'm afraid to reach out.  I'm afraid of asking for what I need.  If they knew what I thought about, they would reject me.  They'd chase me out of the ward with pitchforks.  If they knew what I wanted sometimes, they would do the same.

Outside action: A man in the ward, who I do consider to be somewhat of a friend when I'm thinking straighter, gives me a friendly pat on the back as I walk by.
Self talk: I really want more than that.  I guess I have to accept what scraps are giving me.  I'm so tired of dealing with other men's phobia of touch with other men.  I'm so tired of feeling that myself.  Other men are just so scared to do it.  I'm scared to ask for it from straight men.  What's the point of bonding with these guys?

And so on, and so forth.  All self talk, for me, seems to have a common thread: hardly any of it is based in truth.  A lot of it is dirty, horrible, rotten lies that I've told myself for years and continue to tell myself.  Some of those lies are:

• I'm worthless
• I'm not valued
• I'm not cared for
• I'm not important
• I'm stupid
• I'm ugly
• I'm weak
• I'm not a man
• I have no value

The list could go on and on and on.

I decided, during sacrament this last week, that I would try to replace my negative self talk with some positive self talk.  Hopefully, that will ultimately change the beliefs I have about myself.  Hopefully it will change how I act.  Here are some of things I came up with:

• I am worthy of love and connection.
• I am loved.
• I have friends.
• God loves me.
• God is good and faithful.  He can be trusted.
• I am worth dying for (speaking about the Atonement)
• I am worth it
• I am worthy of affirmation and affection
• I am working toward perfection
• I can do great things

The list of positive self talk helps me feel more bolstered and more uplifted.  It helps build me up, and I feel like it helps build me up in the right way.  One more thing that I heard from a friend recently is 'I need to be the change I want to see'.  I remember at the time I was complaining to him about wanting to give and receive more touch from straight male friends.  He then said something to the effect of: if that's something I want to see, then I need to do it.  In other words, if I want to see appropriate male affection be introduced into the culture around me, then I need to be the one dispensing it.  It sounds like a big and lofty goal.

Oh dear, here comes the negative self talk again.  I have but one thing to say in response to it 'I can'.

Depression - 16Dec2011

Last night and this morning really haven't been good to me.  I've been struggling with the loneliness and depression.  I'm starting to realize that I have more struggles in life than just same gender attraction.  There's the anxiety, the loneliness, the defensive detachment from other people, depression, and an inability to trust others and trust Heavenly Father.

Last night was an OK night.  I went and spent some time with the guys that I knew from the fraternity.  I remember feeling bored most of the night.  As I drove home, I felt kind of empty and numb.  I ate all of the chocolate chip cookies one of the guys had given me.  It made my stomach feel kind of upset.  I remember that I set my computer down and briefly considered setting up my computer and turning it on.  I knew if I did that, that I would start searching for triggering images, and possibly get mixed up in pornography.  Instead, I finished getting ready for bed.

I found myself thinking about how lonely I felt.  I started to go through the people I knew.  I was realizing that not any one person was going to be able to help fulfill my need for friendship.  One person was not going to fit all of the wants I had for friendship.  I starting putting people into categories.  There's one man that I trust for guidance and advice, but we don't really do anything together.  There's another man with whom I share a number of interests, but he is a very busy person.  There's another man like that who I even was close to, but I ended up becoming codependent.  There's other men that I try to reach out too, but I always feel like I'm the one making all the effort in the friendship.  There's other men that try to reach out with me, but I don't feel like I want to reach back.

I basically started to throw a pity party for myself.  I found myself praying, asking, wondering if Jesus and Heavenly Father would be my only friends, the only ones that could really love me, and really help me.  Even after asking and reaching toward Him, I still felt like His love along wouldn't be enough.  I thought that even with Him, I would still be longing for human interaction.  While laying feeling lonely, thoughts of temptation entered my mind.  I eventually succumbed to the idea of 'Oh, I'll feel good for a few moments now'.

This morning, it was a struggle to get out of bed.  I was feeling empty.  I was feeling guilty and ashamed.  I was still feeling lonely.  When I finally got into the shower, I spent a few minutes curled up in a ball under the hot water, not wanting to move and face the day.  I got out of the shower, sat on the floor and draped my towel around my shoulder and curled up in a ball again.  I didn't want to go anywhere, I just wanted to sit there.  Finally, I was able to get up, get dressed, and get in the car.  I was feeling sad.

Driving to work, I was able to feel some emotion: anger, directed at the other drivers.  I got really angry right before I got to work.  I remember sitting in my car, not wanting to get out.  I didn't like the fact I'd gotten so angry at the other driver.  I didn't want the anger.  I sat in the car until the air started to cool.  I briefly considered the idea of sitting there until my body went cold.  I did eventually get out of the car and get into work.  I sat at the computer, and when it was on, I was able to forget about the depression.  When I got up to go to the bathroom, the feeling of sadness and loneliness came back.  I guess the computer is just a distraction for me.

Do I have depression?  I'm scared that I am.  Do I deal with loneliness?  I'm pretty sure I do.  I was remembered a movie we watched in elementary school on the way to work.  It was about a kid that no one seemed to like, no one would interact with.  He would go to school and had no friends there.  He would go home, and his parents wouldn't talk to him.  Eventually, he walked off the school bus one day and just fell down and died.  The title of the movie was 'Cypher'.  Cypher meaning zero.  The person was a zero everyone's eyes.  I realized that I had made some progress.  I do feel like I have some impact on the world. When the loneliness and depression sets in, I start to feel like a Cypher.  I start to feel like a ghost in my life, drifting past that no one can see or if they can see me, they don't care to interact with me.

Depression scares me, especially because that's when the thoughts of wanting to die enter into my life.  I honestly think I'm far too much of a coward to end my own life.  Yet, if the pain and the loneliness get to much, I may be driven to something like that.  The other thing that comes with depression is not wanting to do anything.  The idea of maintaining this blog sometimes feels like it's too much.  I find myself wanting more feedback.  I find myself wanting more people to interact with.  I find myself searching for people that are willing to share of themselves as well.  Sure, I've had many people tell me they've been reading my blog.  Some express that they relate to it.  It seems to end there.  No one wants to further into it and I'm too passive to want to investigate further.

Sometimes I wish some of the people who don't know who I am behind my alias would talk to me about the blog.  They're the people I'm really trying to reach.  I can see it as a form of madness.  I want to connect to those people, but I'm not actively reaching out to them.  I want them to read these words and know that it's me that's writing them, but I hide behind an alias.  I want to find connections and friendships where I can be open and vulnerable with another person, and that other person be the same way back, but I'm too afraid to take the first step to be vulnerable.  I'm just so tired of trying.  I'm so tired of reaching and not feeling like the others are reaching back.

Sometimes I think there's something about me that makes it so other people don't want to interact with me.  Am I too much for them?  Am I too draining?  Do I ask for too much?  Do I expect too much?  I went to a fireside this Sunday.  The first few groups of people I walked up to disbanded a few moments after I got there.  Only in one case did a person stay to talk with me.  Later on that did change, but for awhile I started to wonder if there was something wrong with me.  After my support meeting, it seemed only a small handful of the men really wanted to talk with me.  Most other conversations ran dry relatively quickly.

Perhaps I am crazy.  I do have many friends.  Part of me looks at me with condemnation and says 'Should you be grateful for what you have?  Why isn't it enough?  Why can't the friendships you have be enough?  Why isn't God's love and grace enough for you?'  Another part considers the people I have said I don't want to be friends with and says 'What do you expect?  These men have tried to be your friend, and you haven't let them.  You've turned them down.  You've stopped talking to them.  You haven't tried.  How can you expect anyone to do the same?'  Yet another voice speaks up and says 'If they really knew you, they'd run away in fear.'  Yet another says 'It's not worth it to interact with other people.  You'll either give in to your attractions or be driven mad by them.  You'll always live in jealousy and envy of the friendships you see in other people.  You'll never have it.  You'll always be alone.  You'll always be an island.  Might as well cut your ties with everyone and not expect them to come looking for you.'  I had the idea to stop going to church, to stop going to the support group.  A voice came saying 'Oh, it doesn't really help you.  When you go, you just find yourself longing to connect to the other men there, but it never works when you try.  It will never work when you try.  Nothing you do can change things'.  Then comes up one of the scariest voices 'You should just end it.  It'd be simple.  Then you would really know who cared about you.  They would come and cry for you at your funeral.'  The voice even took a scarier turn this morning 'Heavenly Father is the only one that loves you.  Why don't you just end this life so that you can be with Him?  He's the only one that loves you.'

It is scary.  It really is scary.  I keep praying for the strength to get me through.  Heavenly Father is the one person that can help pull me through it.  It hurts though.  The loneliness and isolation hurt.  I sit here with tears of sadness welling up in my eyes, and pain in my heart.  I'm afraid this pain and sadness will lead me to anger and defensiveness.  That will only drive those trying to get close to me even further away.

Oh well.  It's another day.  It's another chance to try.  I feel pessimistic about it.

Friendship - Thou Art A Strange Beast

Recently, I know I've made posts about friendship.  Today, I want to share some of the thoughts I've been having about friendship or perhaps more in general, relationships.

First off, each person is a paradox.  A person can be simple.  A person can be complex.  Sometimes the reason behind how people think, feel, and act is complicated.  Sometimes it's very simple.

Relationships can be simple or they can be complex.  Friendship can be much the same way.  I've found that relationships are simple if both people are expecting or wanting the same thing from it.  Friendship is much the same way.  I find that things get horribly complicated if each person in a relationship is expecting something different, or are expecting the same thing, in different amounts.  If one person starts to expect more than the other person is willing to give, then it can get complicated.  If one person starts to give more than the other person is willing to receive, it also gets quite complicated.

Personally, I've been on both ends.  I've been on the end where I feel like I'm giving more and more to the person, and receiving very little in return.  I've been in those friendships where I reach out continually to try to connect with the other person, but I never see the other person reach back.  Sure, when I initiate contact, most people respond and continue that contact.  I've also seen the opposite happen.  There are people I know who give and give to me, who share there life stories, advice, thoughts, and opinions, and for whatever reason, I don't wish to receive those.

That's the point where things get complicated.

When I see situations where I'm giving too much, I find it difficult, albeit not hard to 'withdraw' from the person.  When I realize I'm over committing, it is easy for me to not commit as much.  By committing less, I may give that person less attention.  I may reach out to them less than I have in the past.  I may not try to give them as much touch/affection as I have in the past.  It may mean something even more difficult.  It may mean reclaiming the 'heartspace' I've given to that person.  'Heartspace' is a pretty complicated term for me.  In some ways, it's a measure of my internal commitment toward a person.

I find the harder situations to deal with are when people seem to be 'overcommiting' to try to have a relationship with me.  If the person initiates contact, and I don't feel like initiating back.  I find myself worried about 'hurting their feelings'.  I feel like I'm being cruel if I don't respond to the person.  I feel like I'm lying by continuing to interact with the person.

Honestly, I realize that everyone has needs in varying levels and amounts.  Perhaps for with some friends, I meet their needs by interacting with them, even if I don't get my needs met in the same way with that relationship.  Perhaps other people help meet my needs when they interact with them, yet I don't help feel their needs.  Lopsided relationships? Yes.  Bad?  I'm not sure.  Unhealthy? Only if the person on the giving end is putting themselves into a bad place by helping out.

Friendship, for me, is about mutual trust.  It's about both people in the relationship wanting and giving on a similar level.  There's also the idea of liking each other, of enjoying each others company.  There's a drive to continue and maintain the relationship on both sides.  There's also a sense of safety, love, and affirmation.  Each friendship is different.  Each one is on various levels and each one can change over time.

A few more thoughts I've had.  I've been reading 'In Quiet Desperation'.  In part of the book, Ty Mansfield talks about speaks about the condemnation of homosexuality found in Romans 1.  He then spoke that Paul was trying to teach a very important principle.  He was trying to warn against the dangers of idolatry.  He was stating that by misusing the procreative powers that Heavenly Father has given me, I was starting to worship that power.  As Ty Mansfield put it, some people make their sexuality their idol.  It then struck me that I had many other idols.  The current idol I've been worship is friendship.  I've been trying to put the idea of having friendship up and over God.  I realize that friendship is something important in my life.  Is it really something that should be worshiped?  Is it more important than God, the giver of the gift of friendship?  Heavens no.  Heavenly Father alone should be my object of highest and must worthy worship.

One last thought.  I saw a funny twitter hashtag today.  It goes something like #SomeoneLetMeKnowWhen.  I contemplated a few that I could say, in light of my recent posts and this post.  #SomeoneLetMeKnowWhen men will not be afraid of showing pure, non sexual affection toward one another in public. #SomeoneLetMeKnowWhen it is safe to express feelings openly with one another, even if those feelings say 'I don't want to be your friend'.

Just some thoughts and musings I've had.  I'd love to hear your thoughts!  Please comment, or send me an e-mail.

White Knuckling It 6Dec2011

It's been about 4 months or so since I last had a problem looking at pornography.  By pornography, I mean something that nearly any (sane) person would call pornographic.  I haven't had a problem with masturbation for over two weeks.

I've been tempted many times to give in to both evils.  Sometimes I started to entertain the ideas.  I've found myself looking at pictures that aren't healthy for me in this state.  Just last weekend, I started watching some videos that weren't good for me either.  I was flirting with the line.  I was putting myself into fire.  Thankfully, a friend messaged me on Facebook.  I felt a sense of guilt and shame at having been watching something like that.  I closed the browser tab and talked with him a bit.

This morning, the temptation came again to give in.  I paused for a moment, made sure I was looking at what was going on around me, and tried to tap into what I was feeling.  Sadness, depression and a feeling of warmth inside.  Heavenly Father does know what's going on with me.  He knows what my needs are. When I'm not taking care of my needs or letting Heavenly Father take care of what needs I can't take care of on my own, I'm far more vulnerable to being tempted to 'take care' of my needs with something counterfeit.  In fact, many times when I've been tempted I've thought "Yeah, that will feel good for a moment, but I'll be even worse afterward".

One need that I've been struggling to meet is getting adequate sleep.  I feel tired at night until the moment my head hits the pillow.  I then get a feeling of longing.  I want someone to snuggle up to.  I want to be held by someone until I fall asleep.  I find my mind going into fantasy and the temptation to masturbate grows.  For instance, last night I had to open my eyes many times to get a good dose of reality.  I had to remind myself that I was along in the room.  I had to tap back into my feelings of exhaustion.  After some struggle, I was able to fall asleep.  Lack of sleep really doesn't help with my overall mood.

Another contributing factor is the fact of physical pain.  I've been having some strange and particularly annoying headaches lately, accompanied by pain in my shoulders and neck.  I went and got a massage last Saturday, but that didn't seem to help much.  The whole area either feels tight, or burns.  The feelings of pain come and go.  I'm sure this may be from stress related to my job and trying to figure out life problems.

Another need I feel is lacking is the need to connect with other men.  This need seems to be plastered all over my thoughts and actions.  My primary way of feeling connected to another person is through touch.  I have all sorts of fear, beliefs, and stories around touch that make things difficult.  Sometimes I feel like I'm having to 'sneak in' getting touch.  Sometimes it feels like it's something that can only be done in 'secret'.  On particularly difficult days, I find myself believing that wanting to be touched or wanting to touch another man in any way is 'bad'.

On a related note, yesterday I had to carpool with some men from my work.  Three of us had to squeeze into the back seat.  Both of the other men were bigger than, one by quite a bit.  Needless to say, it was a bit uncomfortable.  The man on my left finally put his arm around the seat behind me.  The man on the right kept moving himself away as far as possible to 'give me space'.  Honestly, I would have been totally happy with him putting his arm around me.  I really wanted him to.  Yet, how could I ask something like that?  I honestly was afraid of what the man would think of me?  Was it 'bad' that I wanted this guys arm around me?  Was it bad that I liked how it did feel to sit right next to him and the other man?

I feel like I'm getting desperate to figure out how to handle this need.  On the way out of a clothing store, I had a strange urge to walk up to one of the male mannequins and starting rubbing its chest.  I thought it was a little amusing at the time.  Now it feels shameful and disgusting.  It's a similar urge that I get toward other men.

I feel like I'm trying to white knuckle my way through this.  There must be a way to get that need for touch met, without it becoming something sexual or romantic.  There must be a way to give and receive affection with another man without violating any sort of gospel principles.  I'm just having a hard time seeing it right now.  I pray that God will help me find the answers soon.  I pray I'll find the answers.

Wanting What I Can't Have 4Dec2011

Lately, I've been feeling pretty frustrated by my seeming inability to connect and relate with other men, more specifically to men who don't experience same gender attraction.  I'm guessing a good majority of it is simply lies, false judgments, or fears around things that have happened in the past.  My biggest fear is around one thing: touch.

My primary love language is touch.  That means that I generally feel most loved when I'm getting the right kind of touch.  I don't mean anything sexual or romantic.  Simple things like having an arm put around my shoulder or a hug can go a long way.  I judge that men in American society are afraid of showing any kind of physical affection with another man.  I judge they are afraid of being labeled as 'homosexual', 'queer', 'gay', etc.  I'm afraid to show any kind of physical affect, well anything more than brief contact, for the same fear of being 'discovered'.  I've thought many times: I wish I could just snuggle up to with this man.  I get images of a cat, a puppy, or a small child that gets to snuggle up with the person.  There's nothing sexual about it in my mind, at least at first.  Really, all I want is simply some loving, affecitonate touch from another man.

Now, when that desire/need/want/whatever to connect with another man via touch gets frustrated in some way, then things start to go haywire.  It can get frustrated by me listening to those lies and being too afraid to ask.  It can also be frustrated if the man I experience that desire toward is a man that I see only once, or perhaps it is a man that I hardly get to see at all.  In one case, it's a man that I've had some past 'sexual' experiences with, and has requested that we not spend time together.  When the frustration sets in, the craving for the touch doesn't go away, instead it starts to go haywire.  It could become a sexual idea.  I could have fantasies about it.  I could end up going numb or distant from my need for touch.  Basically, it's not very healthy for me.

Am I wanting something that I just can't have?  I've thought many times that the other gender attracted men around me just aren't equipped to give me what I want/need/desire.  I've consigned myself to accepting the what men are able to give me.

Now, I'm not saying that I have no opportunities at all for healthy touch.  It seems to primary come from two sources: men who also experience same gender attraction and children (I know a little girl that loves to have snuggle time with me).  I sometimes feel like I'm ungrateful for the opportunites for healthy touch that I do get, because I find myself wanting/longing for something more, something else.

Well, tonight I got pretty desperate for some kind of 'cuddle buddy' so I decided to do a Google Search on it.  That's when I found this post by a man (I stole the title of the post for this blog post):

http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Want-A-Cuddle-Buddy/1445353

I was surprised that there was a man who was sexually attracted to women, but who also liked to have 'cuddle time' with other men, a straight man who's love language was touch, but wasn't weirded out by touching other men.  I was blown away by the story.  As I laid down to sleep.  I came to feel that maybe it was the Lord's way of saying 'Hey, I know what you need.  Have hope.  There are men like that out there.'  I remember praying that I could somehow find someone like that.

I hope the Lord answers my prayer.  Really, the whole touch/cuddle desire of mine has very little to do with sex.  It's all about wanting to feel loved and affirmed by another man.  Although sometimes it does feel like I want something that I can't have.  Can't have because it's "against the gospel" or can't have because I haven't found the right man to do that with.  I'll try to have hope.  I just wish it didn't take so long for some prayers to be answered.

Trying To Fit Square Pegs Into Round Holes 21Nov2011

I'm writing this post with much trepidation and fear.  As usual, it's going to be something very personal.

Lately, I feel like I've been struggling a lot with the temptation/urge to masturbate.  Sometimes, I don't even understand exactly why it is that I do it.

I can remember some of the feelings behind the most recent incident.  I had been feeling empty, lonely.  I felt myself craving some kind of connection with another man.  I struck me as ironic at the time.  

At church that day, a man had actually initiated contact with me.  I was walking in the hallway when the man started to poke me from behind.  I turned to see who it was.  It was a man that I had asked to give the prayer soon after I moved in (part of my calling).  We had kind of talked a few times.  I am attracted to this man.  Finally, we ended up shaking hands, and exchanging a few more friendly pokes.  Before priesthood started, I ended up sitting near him and we talked a little bit more.  We sat with a seat between us, and he had his arm on the back of that seat.  I could see that his hand was less than six inches from my shoulder.  I wanted, desired, craved to be sitting next to him.  I wanted his arm to be around my shoulders.  Basically, I wanted to feel loved by him.  I wanted a connection to him, although I didn't quite realize it at the time.  I was too busy thinking he would be weirded out if I sat in the seat right next to him.  I walked away feeling like I wanted more connection, like I wanted to hug the guy.  

The rest of the evening was pleasant.  There were some fun and challenging games of Magic: The Gathering with a friend.  There was snuggle time with the two kids from the family I live with.  I even finished playing Dungeon Siege III.  When I finished the game, it was a little after 10.  I noticed that I felt lonely, empty inside.  The game was beautiful.  The story was moving.  The end of the game showed me a series of scenes of all the people I had helped during the game.  I felt moved.

I was still stuck with that feeling of loneliness and emptiness.  Various fantasies rushed through my head, but I pushed them away, trying to stay connected with the feelings of loneliness.  Eventually, I succumbed to the temptation to masturbate.  It happened again the following morning.

That morning, I had a flood of ideas come to my mind in relation to what had happened.  I remembered a scene from the movie Apollo 13 where the scientists had to come up with a way to fit a square peg into a round hole...or something like that.  I realized that I was trying to fill a round hole, loneliness, with a square peg, masturbation.  And it wasn't working.  It isn't working.  I've often thought that addiction comes from trying to fill up a hole with something that can't fill that hole.  Another idea that came to mind is from my therapist.  He told me that if I slip up, I don't fall 'all the way back to square one'.  I'm trying on the new idea that when I slip up and make mistakes to tell myself 'Hey, maybe I wasn't as far along as I thought I was, but I'm not back at the beginning'.  It's an idea that gives me hope.  An even more profound idea that I'm trying is 'I am human.  I can make mistakes.  That's OK.  I'm hear to learn.  Life is a process.  God is going to love me through this process'.  It's funny how the idea of 'I'm going to love myself, even when I make mistakes' can help translate to my relationships with others.  Even if other people 'make mistakes' in my eyes, I can still love them.  After all, that's what Christ would do.

As for the loneliness, even with the new ideas of loving myself, I still have that round hole.  I just need to go find a round peg to fill it with.  I just don't have any idea what the peg is supposed to look like.

Music That Speaks To My Grief - You Were Meant For Me

Today's song is another of the three songs that helped me process through my feelings after I put my cat Taz down (for the first one click here).

Today's song is "You Were Meant For Me" by Jewel:

Lyrics:
I hear the clock, it's six a.m.
I feel so far from where I've been
I got my eggs I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you.
I break the yolks, make a smiley face
I kinda like it in my brand new place
I wipe the spots off the mirror
Don't leave the keys in the door
Never put wet towels on the floor anymore' cause

[Chorus:]
Dreams last so long
even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you.

I called my momma, she was out for a walk
Consoled a cup of coffee but it didn't wanna talk
So I picked up a paper, it was more bad news
More hearts being broken or people being used
Put on my coat in the pouring rain
I saw a movie it just wasn't the same
'Cause it was happy or I was sad
It made me miss you oh so bad 'cause

[Chorus]

I go about my business, I'm doing fine
Besides what would I say if I had you on the line
Same old story, not much to say
Hearts are broken, everyday.
I brush my teeth and put the cap back on
I know you hate it when I leave the light on
I pick a book up. Turn the sheets down.
And then I take a deep breath and a good look around
Put on my pjs and hop into bed
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead
I try and tell myself it'll be all right
I just shouldn't think anymore tonight 'cause

[Chorus]

Yeah... You were meant for me and I was meant for you.
[From: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/jewel/youweremeantforme.html]

Listening to this song still brings tears to my eyes.  It reminds me of all the hopes, dreams, and expectations I've had in life that just haven't happened.  It speaks to me on the pain of loss, and also of the pain of holding on to things that are lost.

Honestly, I never expected our cat Taz to go the way he did.  I also thought that he would live another few years at least.  Honestly, I dreamed that he would never go away, that he would always be there.  Finally, he started to have bladder problems more and more frequently, and ultimately we decided that he should be put down.  To speak more accurate, I feel like I was the one that decided that we should put him down.  Sometimes when I think about it, I wonder if it was the right choice.  Sometimes I feel like I chose to kill him, a thought that feels me with grief and shame.

The time after Taz was put down was difficult.  I kept expecting him to be in one of his usual places, or for him to show up meowing, demanding that he be given more food.  This song reminds me of that time.  I would go about my regular life, smiling, and "doing fine" while really inside I was grieving the loss of a beloved pet.  Things just didn't feel the same for a long time afterward.  Dreams and memories really do last a long time.

On a related note, I've found that I often have dreams or fantasies about what friendships will be like in the future.  Sometimes I set up some really high expectations.  Many times those hopes, dreams, and expectations aren't met.  When I'm reminded of those dreams and hopes.  I get filled with feelings of loss, loneliness, and grief.

One example of this is with a guy I grew up with.  He befriended me when we first moved to Utah.  He was my best friend for many years.  It felt like we did so much together.  Time passes.  We both went on missions and to college in other states.  It felt like we saw each other less and less.  I felt like we had grown apart.

I decided that I needed to tell him about the fact I experienced same gender attraction.  I honestly hoped that he would understand and be loving and supportive.  I hoped our friendship would become something much closer.  Instead, all I remember from that conversation is him saying that he knew I wouldn't "do something like that with him".  It was disappointing to say the least.

Recently, I've done some work around it, grieving and surrendering the way things used to be.  Perhaps our friendship won't turn out how I wanted.  The dream I had may not come true.  By surrendering the dream, I can make space in my life for other men.  By letting go of the old friendship, I make space for the new ones.  I still hold on to the golden memories of the time that we spent together and the jokes that we shared.

Time can heal many wounds.  Time will ease the pain of loss.

Dreams last so long.

Dissonance Or Why Going To Church Is Hard 30Oct2011

Today was Stake Conference.  I found myself feeling like I didn't want to go to church.  I felt hesistation, anger, resistance inside of me.  Sometimes I feel that going to church doesn't help my problems.  Instead, I feel like it makes things more intense.

I entered the church, and saw a picture of the Savior when he was young, teaching in the temple.  Instead of feeling the warmth of the Spirit, instead I felt aloof, callous, hardened against it.  I felt anger and bitterness inside of me.  I felt anger that I felt so much bitterness instead of peace.

I got into the main meeting room and sat down in the back.  I was feeling many different negative emotions.  Some days at church are hard.  Today felt like one of the harder ones.  My head was full of ideas about acting out, how it would feel, or the desire to look at pornography.  Feeling quite disgusted with myself, I pulled out my phone and started to text a friend of mine.  Something to try to sort out what was going on.

Finally, the thoughts of acting out left, but I still wasn't feeling very peaceful.  The speaker was talking about how, as members of the church, we need to reach out to other members of the church.  We need to befriend them.  All I could think about is how lonely I feel, especially at church.  The times I have felt to reach out, I generally don't feel like I get much of a response.  With few exceptions, I judge that the other person isn't interested in really getting to know me.  When I'm not reaching out to try to make friends, I'm often feeling intimated or afraid of the other people around me.  I feel dissonant, out of sync with them and with the church in general.  I let the fear of "If you really knew me, you wouldn't love me" rule my mind and my heart.  The fear of rejection is one thing that gets in the way of me trying to connect with the members of the church.  The other is pain from perceived rejection.

As the person continued to speak, I continued to feel the pangs of loneliness, and a deep feeling grief.  It was strong enough, that I started to feel physical pain.  I felt that pain in my chest, and even felt it in my hands.  I looked around, and could see so many signs of love.  There were many families in attendance.  I watched them, and seeing them show their love for one another made me feel even sadder and more hurt.

Part of that pain comes from not feeling very connected with my family.  Growing up, I grew more and more withdrawn emotionally from my parents and to some extent, my siblings.  When I see a parent showing love for their child, taking interest in them, it reminds me of that hole I have inside of me.  I've tried working around the issues that I have with my parents, but oddly, I still feel disconnected from them whenever I'm with them.  I know they love me, but for whatever reason, I just can't make that emotional connection with them.

Anyways, I sat there, watching families show their love for each other.  I found myself watching the father's the most.  I realize that's because it was the connection with my dad that I've probably missed the most.  I saw a father picking up his two girls and sitting them on his lap.  I saw another father leaning down to listen to his little girl.  I saw that same father holder her in his lap.  I could see another father rubbing and scratching his sons back.  I saw another father chase down his little boy and pick him up.  I saw a husband rubbing his wife's shoulders.  All of these things were beuatiful, but they were also painful to watch.  Tears escaped my eyes many times.  I found myself hoping deep inside that someone who was listening to that talk would see me, notice my sadness, and come to befriend me.  After all, I just want to be loved and accepted.  All I seemed to feel was loneliness.  I wanted to go, run away, go sob in the bathroom by myself, go play a video game to take my mind off the pain, go numb myself with something else; I wanted to do anything but sit there in the pain and acknowledge it was there.

Finally, that talk was over.  The feelings of loneliness gradually faded and were replaced with emptiness.  Eventually, stake conference was over.  I helped put away changes and picked up programs.  I took time to talk to another man, smile at others.  The one man I talked to briefly asked me one of my 'dreaded questions': "How's your family doing?"  I said something like "I think they're alright, I haven't seen them in awhile."  He actually waved goodbye to me.  I don't know why that touched me so much.  It struck me as unusual when other men I knew from my ward smiled at me.  One even waved to me as I drove past him on my way home.

Inside, I feel a hope that maybe I can make some friends in the ward.  There is also the fear inside that some of what happened today was a "special" thing, and that it won't happen again.  Although, what I really want is for it to be a constant.  I want to be connected to my elder's quorum.  I want to feel like I have friends among the men in my ward.  I really just want to be loved and accepted.  After all, isn't that what every person craves?