I've had a number of things on my mind. Some of them are paradoxes. Some may be called paradoxes. A lot of them relate to humankind, my brothers and sisters. I figured I would share a few of them here.
The Everything/Nothing paradox
In Elder's Quorum this week, the topic of the discusson was Elder Uchtdorf's talk from last general conference entitled 'You Matter To Him' (click on the name to read it, I highly recommend it!).
In the talk Elder Uchtdorf states that man is nothing, and that man is everything. It's something that I've pondered and thought about.
Man is nothing
Compared to God, man is nothing. If I think about it, my comprehension of things is nothing compared to God's. My physical strength can only move very small objects, at least in comparison to the rest of the environment around me. I can't create planets, set up solar systems, and plan galaxies. I'm one person in a sea of over seven billion people (and growing). Even our planet is a small object in a larger solar system. Our star is one light in a sea of countless other lights. Simply put, I'm a small speck when it comes to the whole universe.
Man is everything
On another hand, all of God's effort is directly for the well being of man. The creation of the universe, the dance of the planets, photosynthesis, the earth and everything on it. God's entire focus is on us. D&C 18:10 states: "Remember, the worth of souls is great in the sight of God". I find that intensely amazing. I'm am nothing, yet my worth is great in God's eyes.
Elder Uchtdorf goes on to speak about the dangers of pride and how Satan strives to mislead us by appealing to the extremes of the paradox. Sometimes, he tempts us ignore the fact that we are nothing. We become swollen and prideful. Sometimes, he tempts us to ignore the fact that we are everything. We begin to feel powerless and insignificant. We feel forgotten by our Heavenly Father. We feel like He doesn't care. I can see that my path relies on embracing both sides of the paradox. Feeling the humility that comes from being nothing, yet feeling the love and the power that comes from being everything. It can be a tricky scale to balance.
The Worth of Souls
Going back again to the scripture I shared earlier. "The worth of souls is great in the sight of God". When I think of it now, it makes me think of another scripture. D&C 88:15 states "The spirit and the body are the soul of man". I am a being made up of two parts: a body and a spirit. Together, they are a soul, and they are of great worth in the sight of God. It's led me to a number of thoughts.
I've disparaged and hated my body for many years. I've believed that my body was something bad and foul, something to be demonized and hated. I realize now that my body is a gift of God. It is something that I need to treat with respect. I need to take care of it and meet it's needs. It is a valuable part of me. I also have a spirit, which is also equally valuable. I need to take care of it's needs as well. Often times, it's a tricky balance between satisfying both of their needs, as well as learning what is a 'want' rather than a 'need'. Neglecting either my body or my soul leads me down paths that are not healthy.
I have a degree in computer science and I sometimes use computer concepts to try to understand things better. Most modern computer programs have an interface. The interface lets us, as humans, interact with the computer. The interface lets us send messages to the computer and receive information back. I've lately thought that I have three interfaces. One: my body. My body lets me interface with the mortal world and interact with the objects there. Two: my spirit, which allows me to interact with the diving. Three: an interface between my body and my spirit. The two are able to communicate and interact with each other. It's often a very subtle interaction. What influences one of them tends to influence the other. If I'm not getting enough rest, it's difficult for me to feel inspiration. When I read my scriptures, my body tends to feel calmer.
Other random thoughts
I had a very interesting and insightful discussion with a friend of mine last night. We talked a lot about love, sin, Utah culture, etc. I had recently had a very positive and uplifting experience that helped me feel very loved. I realized that I was trying to mentally discredit and sabotage the experience I had. As I called my friend up, he was able to hand me some thoughts that I found were very helpful. I started to tell myself 'I deserve to feel loved. I am loved. I need to be loved.' I realized that the love that I seek is very much like the love of my Heavenly Father. A love that sees my potential, my worth, where I am, and doesn't seek to try to abuse or use me. I realize many times in my life I've just wanted to scream out 'I just want to be loved!' I think a good many of the world's problems could be solved if people actually would feel a Christlike love for each other.
As our discussion continued, I realized that I need to feel God's love for me. If I'm not feeling it, I'm more vulnerable to being tempted to do something to try to fill that void in my life. Sin tends to cover up my real needs. It pretends to fill the void. Yet, it can't fill my need for love the same way that God's love can.
As our discussion continued, my friend expressed that he felt that Utah LDS culture could be very judgmental. I honestly have felt the same way at times. The worst culprit in that has been me. I've been very judgmental and unloving toward myself for years. I feel like I've looked at God and the gospel, and only seen one half of it. I've only been seeing the justice side. The side that speaks of punishment and guilt. Many times I find myself ignoring the other half of the gospel, the mercy side. The side that speaks of love, forgiveness, and redemption. I believe that Heavenly Father is a perfect balance of justice and mercy. How He makes it work is beyond my comprehension most of the time. When I realize also that Heavenly Father acts out of love, some of His acts that seem to lay on the justice side of things, also speak of the mercy that He has. It's a very interesting point of view.
Personal Note
To give a personal update, I have been feeling better. By feeling better, I mean I'm actually feeling emotions again. I've felt fear, anger, joy, sadness, excitement, nervousness, and all sorts of other emotions. I'm grateful that they have returned. I honestly think it is healthier for me to feel, acknowledge, and honor these feelings. I still don't have many things figured out. I still have a lot of questions. I still feel there is hurt to work through. I just feel like I'm moving forward once more.
Showing posts with label Spirit. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Spirit. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Bouncing Around In My Head 30Nov2011
I'm feeling a lot better. It's amazing how much of a different two days will make for how I feel about things. Some devoted scripture study, talking with some friends, spending some quality guy time has really helped. It feels like prayers have been answered and the spirit is back in my life. I'm very grateful for that. I feel like I'm finally feeling again. I've been feeling more peace lately.
As an enjoyable by product, I've been having some scriptures run through my head. I heard them during our Elder's Quorum lesson. One of them is Mosiah 4:30. Another is Mosiah 3:19. Yet another is James 1:5. James 1:5 is a recent addition. I've been pondering over the last few days on what it means to 'put off' the natural man. I'm realizing more than ever that I need to submit myself to the workings of the spirit. According to Mosiah 4:30, and the recommendation of my bishop, I've been trying to watch my thoughts. The criteria that I've been trying to apply is "Does this thought bring me closer or further away from Heavenly Father?". I have been feeling a greater outpouring of the spirit.
James 1:5 is a newer addition to my set of scriptures bouncing around in my head. I had a friend ask me last night "What are you doing with your attractions?" I realized that I hadn't come to any kind of definitive sort of answer. After talking with a second friend, I realize I haven't quite accepted the fact that having same gender attraction could be a trial or a cross. I realize I've been trying for so long to make it 'go away'. Something I want to focus on is learning to accept the fact that I have these feelings. I also want to stop asking the 'Why?' question so much. I want to know more of the 'How does the Lord want me to deal with this?' That's where James 1:5 comes in. The church has some very clear teachings on when the power of procreation is meant to be used and the Law of Chastity. I've found that some things lead me into a gray area.
The big question that I had been struggling over is "Is it appropriate for me to date other men? Is it appropriate for me to pursue a non-sexual romantic relationship with a man?" After some thought and prayer, I feel like it isn't appropriate for me to entertain or pursue romance with another man. My thoughts told me that a romantic relationship with a man would only lead me to either pain or the desire to become sexually involved with the other man. I've decided to follow the promptings I've received and not 'date' other men.
Of course, 'bromance' and spending time with friends is something else entirely. I'm still going to do that!
As an enjoyable by product, I've been having some scriptures run through my head. I heard them during our Elder's Quorum lesson. One of them is Mosiah 4:30. Another is Mosiah 3:19. Yet another is James 1:5. James 1:5 is a recent addition. I've been pondering over the last few days on what it means to 'put off' the natural man. I'm realizing more than ever that I need to submit myself to the workings of the spirit. According to Mosiah 4:30, and the recommendation of my bishop, I've been trying to watch my thoughts. The criteria that I've been trying to apply is "Does this thought bring me closer or further away from Heavenly Father?". I have been feeling a greater outpouring of the spirit.
James 1:5 is a newer addition to my set of scriptures bouncing around in my head. I had a friend ask me last night "What are you doing with your attractions?" I realized that I hadn't come to any kind of definitive sort of answer. After talking with a second friend, I realize I haven't quite accepted the fact that having same gender attraction could be a trial or a cross. I realize I've been trying for so long to make it 'go away'. Something I want to focus on is learning to accept the fact that I have these feelings. I also want to stop asking the 'Why?' question so much. I want to know more of the 'How does the Lord want me to deal with this?' That's where James 1:5 comes in. The church has some very clear teachings on when the power of procreation is meant to be used and the Law of Chastity. I've found that some things lead me into a gray area.
The big question that I had been struggling over is "Is it appropriate for me to date other men? Is it appropriate for me to pursue a non-sexual romantic relationship with a man?" After some thought and prayer, I feel like it isn't appropriate for me to entertain or pursue romance with another man. My thoughts told me that a romantic relationship with a man would only lead me to either pain or the desire to become sexually involved with the other man. I've decided to follow the promptings I've received and not 'date' other men.
Of course, 'bromance' and spending time with friends is something else entirely. I'm still going to do that!
Monday, November 28, 2011
Spirit Void Zone 28Nov2011
I've been feeling kind of odd the last few weeks. I'm having a hard time describing it, because it's more of a lack of feeling more than anything. I've haven't been feeling many strong emotions lately, and sometimes only the faintest of emotions. I've also had a hard time feeling the presence of the spirit. I'm very confused by that last part. I recently started to partake of the sacrament again. I expected to be able to feel the spirit more strongly. It seemed to me like many months ago I could simply be still and feel the gentle warmth of the spirit in my heart. Now, it feels very faint. In church yesterday, I could only faintly feel the spirit. I could feel it influencing my mind at times, giving me insight into what was going on. I missed the feeling of warmth, the happiness, the peace. Instead I just simply felt...there. It didn't feel like emptiness. It didn't feel like sadness. It just...didn't feel at all.
At the same time, I've had a pretty bad headaches about once a week for the last few weeks. The kind where I need to take pain reliever and rest to make them go away. Saturday I had one start. Sunday it continued. Today, I still can feel it on the left side of my head, like someone is trying to drive a nail into my temple. It's been accompanied by exhaustion and this strange lack of emotion. Part of me is worried that maybe I have some kind of medical condition that could be affecting my emotions/thought processes. Last night, I was trying to read "In Quiet Desperation" and just couldn't focus on the words. I couldn't feel them. I couldn't relate to them. Frantically, I grabbed my scriptures and opened them up randomly. I tried to read, but it was like the words simply were slipping through my mind. I couldn't feel any kind of response to the words. Instead I closed the scriptures and lay in my bed, staring up at the ceiling. I felt some sadness, and tried to cry. Only a few tears trickled out.
I am feelings something right now. The faintest traces of fear. Fear that I may have some kind of tumor. Fear that I may be falling into a depression of sorts. Fear that I'm blocking out some kind of emotional trauma. Fear that I may have offended the spirit one too many times, and now it will never come back. Fear that I've somehow slipped into some kind of mystical 'spiritual void' zone, where the spirit is blocked. Although, the lack of spirit could be the fact that I've simply desynced from it. Lack of scripture study and weak prayers may have caused me to forget how the Holy Spirit feels. Either that, or this is some kind of strange trial. I just wish I understood what is going on so that I can fix it.
Possible causes: I have been through a pretty emotionally stressful year. I had a friendship that became codependent. I had to painfully back away from that friend. I went to the New Warrior Training Adventure, which was really helpful, yet had the work I did there criticized on the way home. That seemed to undo everything I did do there. I did another New Warrior event that was helpful. I came dangerously close to doing something that I would regret with another friend. There's been the fear over what will happen when my current contract ends. There's been the strange chest pain that was frightening. And now this weird headache. Possibly, my heart has checked out. Perhaps feeling emotions has become so much, that I've subconsciously decided to not feel anymore.
Or perhaps I've entered some strange layer of hell, the layer where no one feels anything at all. That is a frightening thought.
At the same time, I've had a pretty bad headaches about once a week for the last few weeks. The kind where I need to take pain reliever and rest to make them go away. Saturday I had one start. Sunday it continued. Today, I still can feel it on the left side of my head, like someone is trying to drive a nail into my temple. It's been accompanied by exhaustion and this strange lack of emotion. Part of me is worried that maybe I have some kind of medical condition that could be affecting my emotions/thought processes. Last night, I was trying to read "In Quiet Desperation" and just couldn't focus on the words. I couldn't feel them. I couldn't relate to them. Frantically, I grabbed my scriptures and opened them up randomly. I tried to read, but it was like the words simply were slipping through my mind. I couldn't feel any kind of response to the words. Instead I closed the scriptures and lay in my bed, staring up at the ceiling. I felt some sadness, and tried to cry. Only a few tears trickled out.
I am feelings something right now. The faintest traces of fear. Fear that I may have some kind of tumor. Fear that I may be falling into a depression of sorts. Fear that I'm blocking out some kind of emotional trauma. Fear that I may have offended the spirit one too many times, and now it will never come back. Fear that I've somehow slipped into some kind of mystical 'spiritual void' zone, where the spirit is blocked. Although, the lack of spirit could be the fact that I've simply desynced from it. Lack of scripture study and weak prayers may have caused me to forget how the Holy Spirit feels. Either that, or this is some kind of strange trial. I just wish I understood what is going on so that I can fix it.
Possible causes: I have been through a pretty emotionally stressful year. I had a friendship that became codependent. I had to painfully back away from that friend. I went to the New Warrior Training Adventure, which was really helpful, yet had the work I did there criticized on the way home. That seemed to undo everything I did do there. I did another New Warrior event that was helpful. I came dangerously close to doing something that I would regret with another friend. There's been the fear over what will happen when my current contract ends. There's been the strange chest pain that was frightening. And now this weird headache. Possibly, my heart has checked out. Perhaps feeling emotions has become so much, that I've subconsciously decided to not feel anymore.
Or perhaps I've entered some strange layer of hell, the layer where no one feels anything at all. That is a frightening thought.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Life Lessons Learned From Weather Patterns 22Nov2011
This morning as I drove to work, I was admiring how beautiful the mountains were with the sun shining from behind them and how the color of the clouds was changing. Then I glanced down and saw that I would be soon be driving into a fog bank.
Once inside, I could no longer see the mountains in the distance. At most, I could see about half a mile before everything would disappear in a gray haze. As I drove, I realized that it would be easy to get lost in the fog. It was difficult to see landmarks far away. I imagined if I was walking and didn't know my way around, I wouldn't be able to find even the Walmart that was so close by. I then realized that I knew where to go because I had driven the route so many times. Then I thought, 'Even if I didn't know the route, there are maps. I have my GPS. I would be able to get to my destination just fine, even if I couldn't see the overall picture'.
That seemed oddly parallel to my life. Sometimes, I can see clearly. I can see the whole picture. I can see where I'm going and what paths will take me there. Sometimes, temptation arises and all I can see is the fog. I have a hard time seeing into the next moment. Making decisions becomes much more difficult. Although, if I've traveled the roads that lead me to happiness many times in the past, I'll know which roads to take. If I'm not sure, there are maps and other guides that I can take to help me get to the destination that I want. I can read the scriptures. I can pray. I can listen to trusted individuals to try to figure out which path I want to take to get to where I'm going.
Even in the fog, I could still see the sun rise. It struck me that God's guidance and love can penetrate even the thickest of temptations. His love can always reach me, no matter where I am.
Once inside, I could no longer see the mountains in the distance. At most, I could see about half a mile before everything would disappear in a gray haze. As I drove, I realized that it would be easy to get lost in the fog. It was difficult to see landmarks far away. I imagined if I was walking and didn't know my way around, I wouldn't be able to find even the Walmart that was so close by. I then realized that I knew where to go because I had driven the route so many times. Then I thought, 'Even if I didn't know the route, there are maps. I have my GPS. I would be able to get to my destination just fine, even if I couldn't see the overall picture'.
That seemed oddly parallel to my life. Sometimes, I can see clearly. I can see the whole picture. I can see where I'm going and what paths will take me there. Sometimes, temptation arises and all I can see is the fog. I have a hard time seeing into the next moment. Making decisions becomes much more difficult. Although, if I've traveled the roads that lead me to happiness many times in the past, I'll know which roads to take. If I'm not sure, there are maps and other guides that I can take to help me get to the destination that I want. I can read the scriptures. I can pray. I can listen to trusted individuals to try to figure out which path I want to take to get to where I'm going.
Even in the fog, I could still see the sun rise. It struck me that God's guidance and love can penetrate even the thickest of temptations. His love can always reach me, no matter where I am.
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