I haven't posted in awhile. My depression seems to have flared up and it's hard to feel anything. I've been able to focus more and work the last few days. Yesterday, I felt myself being mired in bitterness and in resentment. Resentment toward God and toward me having same gender attraction. Resentment that my society considers any kind of emotionally intimated relationship between men to be sexual. The list could go on and on. I feel a lack of male connection in my life. I've definitely been isolating, mostly out of habit. My therapist gave me an 'assignment' to take initiative to do something with a friend at least once a week. I'm going to see how that goes.
Anyways, the song from today really speaks to me. Many times, I've found myself 'crying in anger' at God and the world around me, and felt consumed by the hurt and bitterness that I have. This song somehow touches me, and lets me know that God will find a way to use all my experiences to draw me to Him in love. Somehow, this song can bypass the bitterness and the depression, and let me feel the longing I have for a connection with God.
Enjoy!
Lyrics:
We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?
What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?
We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?
And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?
When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can't satisfy?
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?
[Taken from: http://www.songlyrics.com/laura-story/blessings-lyrics/]
Showing posts with label Blessings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Blessings. Show all posts
Monday, May 7, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
Bouncing Around In My Head 30Jan2012
Today is another installment of 'Bouncing Around in My Head'. I'll be exploring a number of thoughts/ponderings that I've been having lately.
Since the coming out post, I actively told a number of friends of mine from my old Sigma Gamma Chi chapter about the fact that I had same gender attraction. (I say old because the fraternity was disbanded last year.) Most of the guys felt honored that I told them. Some of them were confused. Some of them already knew about me. I honestly was confused with the ones that already knew about me. I wonder why they hadn't ever brought it up with me, or tried to talk with me about it. It almost makes me feel like they'd been watching me for years, observing this behavior in me. Honestly, I say that and realize that I'm the one that's been watching my behavior very closely and always trying to decide my motives behind doing things. For the most part, it's not always fair to myself. Often times, my motives start out innocent. As I over-think things, I twist my own motives into things more insidious.
On a happy note, I've been asking for safe places to get my touch needs met. It's been very helpful and scary. It's interesting that I'm so unfamiliar with asking for something like that that I'm terrified of asking, and also scared when it happens. On the other hand, not taking care of this need of mine was slowly killing me, and led me to do something desperate. Thankfully, nothing too terrible happened there. Since then, I've been fulfilling my needs in a better, safer, healthier way. I'm trying to accept the fact that I need to regularly get this need met. I have a need for closeness with other men. In my eyes, it's a very natural, nonsexual sort of thing. It's when I don't get it met that it morphs into something else. Today, I still feel a drive to seek out touch, but I don't feel nearly as desperate or like I'm white knuckling through things as much.
Last Friday, I was exchanging some texts with an acquaintance of mine. He also experiences same gender attraction and has decided to have a boyfriend. Whenever we text, he nearly always says that he's doing 'great'. In our last exchange, he told (as he has before) that I was 'born this way' and that I should 'just get a man to sleep with'. Honestly, his comments infuriated me. I highly disagree with the idea that I was born with same gender attraction. I also wasn't born 5'6" with a full head of hair, an adult body, and a passion for games of all sorts. Those were things that developed over time. I could agree with the fact I was born with a tendency to be attracted toward other men. Perhaps my spirit was created with a greater need to bond with those of my same gender. I can agree with the idea that I was born more sensitive and introverted. I can't agree with the idea I was born with same gender attraction. So, 'born this way'. If you're talking about my personality, then yes. If you're talking about same gender attraction, no. I honestly feel like same gender attraction, specifically when it's a sexual nature, is a construct on top of some of my more basic personality features, basic needs, learned behaviors, and unmet needs. Same gender attraction, for me, is something far too complicated for a newborn to have.
In contract, I was speaking with another friend of mine, who also has same gender attraction, and he asked me a very profound question. Instead of trying to play the 'I know exactly who you are' card, he opted to understand my position. He asked me: "For whom are you trying to be straight?" Honestly, the question stunned me. I honestly wasn't quite sure at the time, and I realize the question is far more complicated than it may appear on the surface. I'll have to address it once piece at a time.
I'll start near the end with the word 'trying to be straight'. I can honestly state that in the past, I have tried to be straight. I've tried to suppress and ignore my feelings of same gender attraction. All it brought me was depression, self hatred, and misery. Since I've started to face and understand my feelings of attraction for men, I've slowly been learning to accept them. It's been a long process. I still have a long ways to go. There's probably some lingering part of me that expects me to magically want to date women, feel emotional/sexually attracted to them, and want to marry one. There definitely is some lingering self hatred and resentment for the fact that I have same gender attraction. I'm still pushing through. Until I fully accept the fact I have this, I doubt that Heavenly Father will fully reveal His intention for giving me this trial/challenge/curse/blessing. Recently, I had a profound talk with my therapist (see this blog post) that helped open my eyes to the possibility of embracing and accepting my same gender attraction, without giving up my religious beliefs. I honestly do believe I can enjoy deep, emotional connection with men and not break any laws of the gospel. I also believe I can be physically close (note not sexually/romantically close) with other men and not be breaking any laws of the gospel. The goal is for me to slowly work myself into a position where I can accept and embrace those things, because I believe they are things that I need. I've denied them for a long time, so it's going to take more time.
Now for the first part 'for whom'. For me, that's asking 'Why do I do what I do?' As I've thought about this question, I've also been reading I Don't Want To Kill You by Dan Wells. The book is about a sociopath teen who is obsessed with serial killers. He's studied how they work and think. One of the questions that he likes to ask is 'What did the killer do, that they didn't have to do?' The whole point of it was to understand how the serial killer is thinking. Or more accurately, what kind of holes the serial killer is trying to fill in their soul with killing. I also asked myself this question, trying to understand why I masturbate. Beyond eating, drinking, sleeping, and physical touch, there's not much I need to do in relation to my body. Why would I do something unnecessary like masturbation? What kind of hole am I trying to fill? After examining the behavior, and the thoughts that come up related to it, I realized that I was trying to find connection with other people. There is a hole where other people should go in my heart. For some reason, I have a hard time filling up that hole. I try to fill it up with something else, masturbation. And that honestly doesn't fill it up for me. I just realized that this paragraph is totally off topic.
Now, back to the original subject, why do I do what I do? My ultimate goal is to do things for Heavenly Father. I want to do His will. I want to be back in His presence one day. I want to have His happiness. I've felt His love. I yearn to feel it all the time. Is that what always motivates me? Of course not. Sometimes I do things purely for myself (out of selfishness). Sometimes I do things for myself to take care of myself (out of love for myself). Sometimes I do things to ascribe to an ideal, standard, or religious teaching. My least favorite is when I do things because of what I worry of what other people would think or what society would think of me. That has never led me to happiness. Ultimately, I want to be inspired and moved to act by love. Pure love. Charity. Love for myself, for my fellow man (and woman), and for a love of God.
Much easier said than done.
Well, friend who shall go unnamed, thank you for posing that question! It's honestly led me to recommitting myself to seek out the pure love of Christ (see Moroni 7:44-48 for one of my favorite definitions of charity). It's also helped me take another look at myself in a different sort of light. Thank you again!
Thank you for reading. If you have comments/insights/musings/questions, feel free to e-mail me (my e-mail is below). You can also comment on this blog post. Also, I accept text messages and Facebook messages (if you happen to know how to contact me that way).
Thank you friends.
-Andrew
Since the coming out post, I actively told a number of friends of mine from my old Sigma Gamma Chi chapter about the fact that I had same gender attraction. (I say old because the fraternity was disbanded last year.) Most of the guys felt honored that I told them. Some of them were confused. Some of them already knew about me. I honestly was confused with the ones that already knew about me. I wonder why they hadn't ever brought it up with me, or tried to talk with me about it. It almost makes me feel like they'd been watching me for years, observing this behavior in me. Honestly, I say that and realize that I'm the one that's been watching my behavior very closely and always trying to decide my motives behind doing things. For the most part, it's not always fair to myself. Often times, my motives start out innocent. As I over-think things, I twist my own motives into things more insidious.
On a happy note, I've been asking for safe places to get my touch needs met. It's been very helpful and scary. It's interesting that I'm so unfamiliar with asking for something like that that I'm terrified of asking, and also scared when it happens. On the other hand, not taking care of this need of mine was slowly killing me, and led me to do something desperate. Thankfully, nothing too terrible happened there. Since then, I've been fulfilling my needs in a better, safer, healthier way. I'm trying to accept the fact that I need to regularly get this need met. I have a need for closeness with other men. In my eyes, it's a very natural, nonsexual sort of thing. It's when I don't get it met that it morphs into something else. Today, I still feel a drive to seek out touch, but I don't feel nearly as desperate or like I'm white knuckling through things as much.
Last Friday, I was exchanging some texts with an acquaintance of mine. He also experiences same gender attraction and has decided to have a boyfriend. Whenever we text, he nearly always says that he's doing 'great'. In our last exchange, he told (as he has before) that I was 'born this way' and that I should 'just get a man to sleep with'. Honestly, his comments infuriated me. I highly disagree with the idea that I was born with same gender attraction. I also wasn't born 5'6" with a full head of hair, an adult body, and a passion for games of all sorts. Those were things that developed over time. I could agree with the fact I was born with a tendency to be attracted toward other men. Perhaps my spirit was created with a greater need to bond with those of my same gender. I can agree with the idea that I was born more sensitive and introverted. I can't agree with the idea I was born with same gender attraction. So, 'born this way'. If you're talking about my personality, then yes. If you're talking about same gender attraction, no. I honestly feel like same gender attraction, specifically when it's a sexual nature, is a construct on top of some of my more basic personality features, basic needs, learned behaviors, and unmet needs. Same gender attraction, for me, is something far too complicated for a newborn to have.
In contract, I was speaking with another friend of mine, who also has same gender attraction, and he asked me a very profound question. Instead of trying to play the 'I know exactly who you are' card, he opted to understand my position. He asked me: "For whom are you trying to be straight?" Honestly, the question stunned me. I honestly wasn't quite sure at the time, and I realize the question is far more complicated than it may appear on the surface. I'll have to address it once piece at a time.
I'll start near the end with the word 'trying to be straight'. I can honestly state that in the past, I have tried to be straight. I've tried to suppress and ignore my feelings of same gender attraction. All it brought me was depression, self hatred, and misery. Since I've started to face and understand my feelings of attraction for men, I've slowly been learning to accept them. It's been a long process. I still have a long ways to go. There's probably some lingering part of me that expects me to magically want to date women, feel emotional/sexually attracted to them, and want to marry one. There definitely is some lingering self hatred and resentment for the fact that I have same gender attraction. I'm still pushing through. Until I fully accept the fact I have this, I doubt that Heavenly Father will fully reveal His intention for giving me this trial/challenge/curse/blessing. Recently, I had a profound talk with my therapist (see this blog post) that helped open my eyes to the possibility of embracing and accepting my same gender attraction, without giving up my religious beliefs. I honestly do believe I can enjoy deep, emotional connection with men and not break any laws of the gospel. I also believe I can be physically close (note not sexually/romantically close) with other men and not be breaking any laws of the gospel. The goal is for me to slowly work myself into a position where I can accept and embrace those things, because I believe they are things that I need. I've denied them for a long time, so it's going to take more time.
Now for the first part 'for whom'. For me, that's asking 'Why do I do what I do?' As I've thought about this question, I've also been reading I Don't Want To Kill You by Dan Wells. The book is about a sociopath teen who is obsessed with serial killers. He's studied how they work and think. One of the questions that he likes to ask is 'What did the killer do, that they didn't have to do?' The whole point of it was to understand how the serial killer is thinking. Or more accurately, what kind of holes the serial killer is trying to fill in their soul with killing. I also asked myself this question, trying to understand why I masturbate. Beyond eating, drinking, sleeping, and physical touch, there's not much I need to do in relation to my body. Why would I do something unnecessary like masturbation? What kind of hole am I trying to fill? After examining the behavior, and the thoughts that come up related to it, I realized that I was trying to find connection with other people. There is a hole where other people should go in my heart. For some reason, I have a hard time filling up that hole. I try to fill it up with something else, masturbation. And that honestly doesn't fill it up for me. I just realized that this paragraph is totally off topic.
Now, back to the original subject, why do I do what I do? My ultimate goal is to do things for Heavenly Father. I want to do His will. I want to be back in His presence one day. I want to have His happiness. I've felt His love. I yearn to feel it all the time. Is that what always motivates me? Of course not. Sometimes I do things purely for myself (out of selfishness). Sometimes I do things for myself to take care of myself (out of love for myself). Sometimes I do things to ascribe to an ideal, standard, or religious teaching. My least favorite is when I do things because of what I worry of what other people would think or what society would think of me. That has never led me to happiness. Ultimately, I want to be inspired and moved to act by love. Pure love. Charity. Love for myself, for my fellow man (and woman), and for a love of God.
Much easier said than done.
Well, friend who shall go unnamed, thank you for posing that question! It's honestly led me to recommitting myself to seek out the pure love of Christ (see Moroni 7:44-48 for one of my favorite definitions of charity). It's also helped me take another look at myself in a different sort of light. Thank you again!
Thank you for reading. If you have comments/insights/musings/questions, feel free to e-mail me (my e-mail is below). You can also comment on this blog post. Also, I accept text messages and Facebook messages (if you happen to know how to contact me that way).
Thank you friends.
-Andrew
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
A Matter Of Perspective 7Dec2011
I am feeling a whole lot better today. I had a wonderful talk with my therapist that helped to widen and open up my perspective.
First, he had me do a relaxation technique. The shoulder/neck pain and headaches were due to my body responding to all the stress I've been feeling lately. Work, trying to figure out how to handle my attractions toward men, and stressing about giving/receiving appropriate healthy touch with other men has really been taking a toll on my body. After I was able to relax some, I was able to talk about all those things that were stressing me.
My therapist then asked me what my options were for dealing with my attractions or life in general. I came up with a list of the following (by no means inclusive of all the options I have):
- Live the lifestyle, having multiple sexual partners
- Live the lifestyle, have one sexual partners
- Live the lifestyle, remain celibate, only date men
- Don't live the lifestyle, have romantic relationships with men
- Don't interact with men at all
- Connect superficially with men
- Connect emotionally with other men
- Be vulnerable with men that I trust
- Pursue a close, vulnerable relationship with God (this option teared me up when I said it)
- Completely ignore God and His will
I'm sure there are many more options that I could pursue in relationship with life and my attractions. The experience of listing options, as many as I could think of, helped to open my eyes. I realized that romantic and sexual interactions with men was only a small subset of a larger sphere of possible interactions. I could do so many other things with men. As we talked, I couldn't help but here the lie inside 'Oh, but I'm shy. People don't invite me to do things with them.' I know that is a lie. I have friends that do invite me to do things. I've been a bit of a hermit lately due to the headaches and pain.
My therapist then told me that I seemed to be very focused on men and my attraction to them. He said he hadn't heard me talk about any girls, specifically a girl that I had been kind of interested in a few months ago. I can probably count on one hand the number of women that I interact with (by women I mean females older than 9). Only about three of them are women that I feel comfortable enough to share at least part of what's going on with me, two of those are my sisters and another is my friend's girlfriend. I realized that I had a large void in my life. I was totally ignoring the possibility of interacting with women, probably because I simply don't have many opportunities, outside of church and rarely at work, to interact with women. I've decided that I need to start participating in the local single ward activities. I go to a family ward currently, and really like the progress I'm making with the bishop. Hopefully if I start going to some single ward activities, I may find more people around where I live that I can interact with. Maybe I can even find that mythical, other gender attracted, cuddle buddy I've been looking for. There's the obsession with men again.
I stated something profound last night. I know I've heard it before. I said to my therapist that my attraction has very little to do with sex and sexual relationships with men. It's more about emotional connection. It's more about loving and feeling loved. For me, maybe that generally looks like some kind of touch or physical affection, but it doesn't have to be like that. Touch is only one small way people convey the fact that they like someone else. It still is my preferred method. I'm going to have to keep my eyes open a little wider to see if people are sending me that message, and I'm missing it. I'm still going to keep my touchy feely nature toward other people and yet try to explore other ways of expressing how I feel toward a person.
Anyways, my therapist did say I was focusing on one very small part of my life: my desire for touch-based interaction with men. I realized that I was focusing on it. Sure, it is a squeaky wheel. It's a big pain point for me. But there is so much more to life than just that. There's my relationship with friends I do have. There's my co-workers. There's my relationship with myself. There's my relationship with Heavenly Father. There's my hobbies: Magic, video games, and reading.
As my therapist gave me a hug goodbye, he started to talked to me. It's one of my favorite moments because I really like his hugs, and he often says very insightful things as we're hugging. He said he wanted me to expand my expectations on what I can do. He wants me to expand my expectations for me. I realized that I had been doing something like that. When temptation to masturbate arises, a lie often comes with it. "You'll eventually give in" says the lie. To that I say "I can resist. I can with God's help." And many times, He has come to my aid.
As I ate dinner, I had a pleasant conversation with a friend and we got into the matter of perspective. I realized that I can't see the "big picture". Even with the spirit's aid, I often only see parts of glimpses of the whole plan. I'm given just what I need to succeed and thrive with my challenges.
I went home and had an enjoyable evening rebuilding some of my Magic decks. I dismantled one deck, and realized I still had ten regular decks and two Commander decks. I only managed to rebuild half of my regular decks. I awoke this morning feel tired, but not completely worn out like I have felt the last few days. The pain in my neck and shoulders seems to have faded. Sure, the whole physical touch situation hasn't changed a whole lot. It's just not the only thing I'm going to focus on, I hope.
To finish, I'd love to share some sayings/quotes that I like:
"Perception is reality."
"Perception is everything, to the perceiver."
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Bouncing Around In My Head 30Nov2011
I'm feeling a lot better. It's amazing how much of a different two days will make for how I feel about things. Some devoted scripture study, talking with some friends, spending some quality guy time has really helped. It feels like prayers have been answered and the spirit is back in my life. I'm very grateful for that. I feel like I'm finally feeling again. I've been feeling more peace lately.
As an enjoyable by product, I've been having some scriptures run through my head. I heard them during our Elder's Quorum lesson. One of them is Mosiah 4:30. Another is Mosiah 3:19. Yet another is James 1:5. James 1:5 is a recent addition. I've been pondering over the last few days on what it means to 'put off' the natural man. I'm realizing more than ever that I need to submit myself to the workings of the spirit. According to Mosiah 4:30, and the recommendation of my bishop, I've been trying to watch my thoughts. The criteria that I've been trying to apply is "Does this thought bring me closer or further away from Heavenly Father?". I have been feeling a greater outpouring of the spirit.
James 1:5 is a newer addition to my set of scriptures bouncing around in my head. I had a friend ask me last night "What are you doing with your attractions?" I realized that I hadn't come to any kind of definitive sort of answer. After talking with a second friend, I realize I haven't quite accepted the fact that having same gender attraction could be a trial or a cross. I realize I've been trying for so long to make it 'go away'. Something I want to focus on is learning to accept the fact that I have these feelings. I also want to stop asking the 'Why?' question so much. I want to know more of the 'How does the Lord want me to deal with this?' That's where James 1:5 comes in. The church has some very clear teachings on when the power of procreation is meant to be used and the Law of Chastity. I've found that some things lead me into a gray area.
The big question that I had been struggling over is "Is it appropriate for me to date other men? Is it appropriate for me to pursue a non-sexual romantic relationship with a man?" After some thought and prayer, I feel like it isn't appropriate for me to entertain or pursue romance with another man. My thoughts told me that a romantic relationship with a man would only lead me to either pain or the desire to become sexually involved with the other man. I've decided to follow the promptings I've received and not 'date' other men.
Of course, 'bromance' and spending time with friends is something else entirely. I'm still going to do that!
As an enjoyable by product, I've been having some scriptures run through my head. I heard them during our Elder's Quorum lesson. One of them is Mosiah 4:30. Another is Mosiah 3:19. Yet another is James 1:5. James 1:5 is a recent addition. I've been pondering over the last few days on what it means to 'put off' the natural man. I'm realizing more than ever that I need to submit myself to the workings of the spirit. According to Mosiah 4:30, and the recommendation of my bishop, I've been trying to watch my thoughts. The criteria that I've been trying to apply is "Does this thought bring me closer or further away from Heavenly Father?". I have been feeling a greater outpouring of the spirit.
James 1:5 is a newer addition to my set of scriptures bouncing around in my head. I had a friend ask me last night "What are you doing with your attractions?" I realized that I hadn't come to any kind of definitive sort of answer. After talking with a second friend, I realize I haven't quite accepted the fact that having same gender attraction could be a trial or a cross. I realize I've been trying for so long to make it 'go away'. Something I want to focus on is learning to accept the fact that I have these feelings. I also want to stop asking the 'Why?' question so much. I want to know more of the 'How does the Lord want me to deal with this?' That's where James 1:5 comes in. The church has some very clear teachings on when the power of procreation is meant to be used and the Law of Chastity. I've found that some things lead me into a gray area.
The big question that I had been struggling over is "Is it appropriate for me to date other men? Is it appropriate for me to pursue a non-sexual romantic relationship with a man?" After some thought and prayer, I feel like it isn't appropriate for me to entertain or pursue romance with another man. My thoughts told me that a romantic relationship with a man would only lead me to either pain or the desire to become sexually involved with the other man. I've decided to follow the promptings I've received and not 'date' other men.
Of course, 'bromance' and spending time with friends is something else entirely. I'm still going to do that!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
I don't--wait I do! 9Nov2011
I had the most interesting realization last night on the drive home from my support group.
I've always wanted a 'gaming buddy'. Someone to hang out with and play video games with. Something I've complained about is how no one at work wants to be my friend 'outside' of work. Well, last night I realized that two different men at work have expressed a desire for me to join a game called 'League of Legends'. One of them is actually really interested in the fact that I started it up and 'friended' me. We were going to play this week, but there were some technical issues and it didn't quite work out. The other man doesn't know that I've actually joined up with the game.
I find it ironic that I am oftentimes blessed with want or need, but I can't see it. Reminds me of lyrics from a song that say: "The sun is in your eyes. The sun is in your ears. But you can't see the son, ever in the darkness." I feel like the Lord is answering my prayers for more friendship with men. There's also the fact that people at work and at church seem to be more friendly and warm than normal. I am grateful for these things.
Paired with this realization that I am more blessed that I acknowledge or am grateful for, is the tendency for me to 'beat myself up' or think negatively myself for not being more aware of my blessings. The adversary does like to come in and try to disrupt positive things. For now, though, I think I will enjoy this idea of having two new gaming buddies, and ignore the lie that I am 'bad' for not recognizing it sooner.
I've always wanted a 'gaming buddy'. Someone to hang out with and play video games with. Something I've complained about is how no one at work wants to be my friend 'outside' of work. Well, last night I realized that two different men at work have expressed a desire for me to join a game called 'League of Legends'. One of them is actually really interested in the fact that I started it up and 'friended' me. We were going to play this week, but there were some technical issues and it didn't quite work out. The other man doesn't know that I've actually joined up with the game.
I find it ironic that I am oftentimes blessed with want or need, but I can't see it. Reminds me of lyrics from a song that say: "The sun is in your eyes. The sun is in your ears. But you can't see the son, ever in the darkness." I feel like the Lord is answering my prayers for more friendship with men. There's also the fact that people at work and at church seem to be more friendly and warm than normal. I am grateful for these things.
Paired with this realization that I am more blessed that I acknowledge or am grateful for, is the tendency for me to 'beat myself up' or think negatively myself for not being more aware of my blessings. The adversary does like to come in and try to disrupt positive things. For now, though, I think I will enjoy this idea of having two new gaming buddies, and ignore the lie that I am 'bad' for not recognizing it sooner.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Music That Speaks To Me - In The Arms Of An Angel
Every so often, I find a song that I really like and that seems to speak about me and my life. The song seems to capture a small piece of me and put it to music. Today's song is just that.
Here is "Arms of the Angel" by Sarah McLacklan.
Lyrics:
Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
In the arms of an Angel fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here
So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees
In the arms of an Angel far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here
[From: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/s/sarah_mclachlan/#share]
This song almost never fails to bring tears to my eyes. It resonates so well with my life and how I feel like things. Most of the time, I find myself waiting for that 'second chance', that 'break' that will somehow make everything ok and good. Sometimes that 'second chance' takes the form of a best friend that I've always wanted. Sometimes it looks like being free from same gender attraction. Sometimes it looks like a father figure taking time to hold me.
Distraction. I live a good deal of my life distracted from my own emotions. I find myself always having to "entertain" myself. Sometimes it does make me feel good. Sometimes I even feel happy and content. When it's over, feelings of fear, loneliness, and grief tend to come back. When the 'usual' distractions of video games or YouTube don't work, I turn to more potent numbing agents like fantasy, masturbation, or even pornography. In some ways, these distractions are a release for me.
Here is "Arms of the Angel" by Sarah McLacklan.
Lyrics:
Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
In the arms of an Angel fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here
So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees
In the arms of an Angel far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here
[From: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/s/sarah_mclachlan/#share]
This song almost never fails to bring tears to my eyes. It resonates so well with my life and how I feel like things. Most of the time, I find myself waiting for that 'second chance', that 'break' that will somehow make everything ok and good. Sometimes that 'second chance' takes the form of a best friend that I've always wanted. Sometimes it looks like being free from same gender attraction. Sometimes it looks like a father figure taking time to hold me.
Distraction. I live a good deal of my life distracted from my own emotions. I find myself always having to "entertain" myself. Sometimes it does make me feel good. Sometimes I even feel happy and content. When it's over, feelings of fear, loneliness, and grief tend to come back. When the 'usual' distractions of video games or YouTube don't work, I turn to more potent numbing agents like fantasy, masturbation, or even pornography. In some ways, these distractions are a release for me.
Memories are not easy things for me to hold on to. I have so many emotionally charged memories. Some that are attached with anger, sadness, fear, rejection, or even memories of experiences that I interpreted as being sexual. I've found it easier to suppress them, to let them seep away from me. I have a hard time remembering specific things from my childhood. It only comes with effort.
The second verse seems to be very applicable. There are many times I've felt weary of living the gospel, of trying to follow the 'straight line'. It feels like the world is watching me, waiting for me to slip up. I feel like I have to keep building lies to keep myself safe from them all. It's easier to keep slipping back into destructive habits.
Ultimately, it all brings me to my knees. It brings me to pray. Many times, I've knelt and prayed for help, for answers, for friends, for guidance, for whatever it was I thought I needed. Many times, I've looked at other men, and wanted them to rescue me. I wanted to be rescued from the 'endless' nature of my problems and struggles. I've wanted so many times to be in the arms of an angel, to be held, to be comforted.
Last night, I went to a fireside. A man came and set next to me that I hadn't seen in awhile. I honestly value the man's friendship, but I judge he's a popular guy, so I don't contact him very often. It was nice to sit next to him, and have him put his arm on the bench behind me. I wanted, crazy, desired, was that he would put his arm around me. I wanted him to hold me and to shelter me. As I was leaving, I saw a second man that I also wanted to hold me. I've noticed my fantasies as I lay down to sleep seem to have a pattern. I imagine up something strong and masculine to come and shelter me, to hold me.
Many times, my prayers to be comforted have been answered. I have felt many times like a divine presence has comforted me, hugged me. Sometimes it's been with another man in a safe and appropriate location. It's been incredibly wonderful to be held again.
Even though I tasted of the positive aspect of this, I feel fear and frustration. Why as an adult man do I crave being held by a father figure? Shouldn't I be past this? I think the answer lies in not bonding sufficiently with dad while growing up. Because I withdrew and detached so early from him, I didn't give him the chance to love and shelter me when it was appropriate. Part of the answer also may lie in my 'love language'. I typically feel most loved while being touched. That definitely is a part of me that needs to be explored in a separate blog post to give it justice.
I pray that soon I'll be able to pull myself from the wreckage, or that an angel is on it's way to help pull me out. Feels like it's been too long since I've trusted myself into the arms of an angel.
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