It's 11:30. Normally, I'd be sound asleep by now. Ironically, I had all the electronics and I was pleasantly reading a book and texting a friend of mine. Oddly, our conversation stirred up some very deep, painful issues of mine. To help me sleep, I'm going to be blogging about it here.
For the past eight months, I feel like I've been slipping slowly into a kind of madness or into a state of numbness where I don't feel anything. I've found myself in a frenzy, moving from one activity to the other, like I was trying to run away from something. Other times, I found me trying to bury myself in video games, or books to read, or endless Facebook updates, trying to ignore or numb away something I'd been feeling. Sometimes I've turned to more potent numbing agents, like masturbation. All of this to try to avoid feeling one thing.
Pain.
Working backward from right now, where I do feel the pain and the sadness. I can see that my actions lately have made me feel like I'm slippy closer and closer toward acting out sexually with another man. I can see that I've been putting myself into increasingly more compromising situations. The cycle is very slow, generally every few months. I feel like I've been getting very close to a breaking point of sorts.
The root cause? Last year I was in a very close friendship. I shared a lot with this other man. I struggled with having romantic feelings on and off. I started to become very overdependent on him for getting my emotional needs met. To make a long, painful story short, the friendship eventually fell apart and I had to distance myself from him.
Since then, I don't think I've ever fully recovered from it. I've withdrawn and isolated my heart to being hurt further. I've taken steps to numb myself from the pain, which only seems to make the pain feel even worse. I've noticed that it's been difficult to feel like I have and friends, even friends that are close. I've felt like there is no one that I can trust. I don't even feel like I can trust myself, or my own motives. I feel like I've been playing more and more with fire, and that eventually I'm going to get burned by it, unless I can find another solution.
Pain has been a reoccurring companion for me in my life. I remember crying myself to sleep at nights when I was younger because I didn't feel like anyone liked me and that I didn't have any friends. The feeling has continued with me as I've grown older. I realize that my perceptions are horrifically tainted and twisted by the beliefs I have about myself: that I am unlovable, and not worth the notice of others. Sadly, I've turned this belief against others. Many times, a friendship has taken root in my heart, only to later be blasted by my anger and by my inability to love the other person. I've often felt like my heart was a lonely, desolate place where no one else was. Many times, it's been like Tumm has rampaged and destroyed everything, only to ultimately curl up in a ball in the center of the blast radius and go completely numb. I honestly feel like the cycle of destruction and attempted rebirth has gone on far too long in my life. It would be nice for a friendship to grow, become strong, and stay alive in my heart. Sometimes I think my heart just isn't fertile enough for it. I've always thought that friendships were hard to form. Now I'm beginning to think I may be the difficult person to be a friend with.
The pain is often frustrating for me. I have tried to pray many times for it to be removed. I've even tried to surrender it. I feel like I need to give up on both. Neither has made the pain stop. I find myself praying increasingly more in order to have the strength to bear the pain I've been given to bear.
At the root of the madness are number of competing and fighting ideas and desires. On one hand, there is a part of me that so desperately wants to be loved. On another, there is a part that wants to be free from pain and suffering and that doesn't want to hurt any more. The part that desires freedom from pain says that in order to have love, I will have to open up and risk being hurt. The same part decides to keep me guarded and isolate from others. The other part cries out so desperately to feel loved that it often comes out in ways I can't control. Sometimes that part of me starts to listen to the lie that the only way I will be loved is if I am loved sexually by another.
I can see but one path that may lead me back to sanity. I have many safe places to embrace vulnerability and let my pain be shown. Perhaps there, I can finally step into my pain more fully, and allow myself to feel truly loved again.
Showing posts with label Tumm. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Tumm. Show all posts
Monday, February 27, 2012
Monday, February 13, 2012
The Woman In Black - Forgiveness
I just barely got back from watching "The Woman In Black". I really don't plan on reviewing movies in this blog post, but I want to share some brief plot points. I'll be hiding the next paragraph in a nice 'anti-spoiler' tag. If you don't mind being spoiled, or have seen the movie, you can highlight the text by using your mouse. Hitting Ctrl-A also works. If this is a foreign language, see your nearest computer geek for assistance.
The main plot point for "The Woman In Black" is about a woman, Jannette. Jannette is deemed to be mentally unstable, and her son is taken away from her by her sister. Sometime later, the son is travelling with his adopted parents and dies in a tragic accident: their carriage sinks in the mud. Jannette angrily declares that she will never forgive her sister, and that her sister never tried to save her son. Jannette hangs herself, and comes back as a ghost in black. Whenever someone visits her house, she kills a child in the local village. The main character thinks he resolves the issue by finding and returning Janette's son's body to Janette's grave, but ghost has already sworn that she will 'never forgive'.
I found it interesting that forgiveness, or the inability to forgive, played a large part in the movie. As I drove home, I started to think about two people that I judge I have hurt pretty deeply. No matter how much time has passed, I always feel like I want to tell them 'I'm sorry'. I'm sorry that things didn't turn out. I'm sorry I wasn't in the right place to make our relationship work out. One of these people is a girl that I dated in college. The other is a man that I called my best friend for awhile. With the girl, I kept dating her, expecting some kind of spark to happen in me, and for me to become attracted to her. I'd rather not go into the other story, far too personal and painful.
Anyways, as I drove home, I felt a great deal of pain. I realized that I was still struggling to forgive myself for it. On another note, I also realized I still have a lot of anger due to the incidents directed toward the other people. That probably extends from the pain of not being able to forgive myself. Honestly, I feel like a man divided. Instead of there being two equal pieces, I end up with two shadows. The scene in my head almost plays out like a scene from a play.
One part of me lie curled in a ball, trying to numb everything out. He rocks and tries to comfort himself. He says 'I'm sorry' over and over. He also says 'I can never forgive myself for what I've done'. In reality, he is the innocent one. Standing over him is Tumm. Tumm is dressed in black, as usual, with blood on his hands. He is the real one at fault in the situation. Tumm's duty is to draw boundaries, enforce them, and to understand what is going on with the other part of me, which is lying huddled on the ground. Tumm is pointing his finger, angrily, at me and at the people around me. He says 'It's all your fault!'. He points at me and says 'I can never forgive you. You're worthless. It's all your fault.'
As silly as it sounds, writing it out like that helps me to gain insight into what is going on, and how I can figure out how to heal myself. Tumm needs to accept the fact that he was also responsible for my actions. The other part needs to know that he didn't know what was going on, and that he was under a delusion of sorts. It's like I need to realize I'm both guilty and innocent at the same time. And ultimately, I need to forgive myself to find a sense of closure.
As an interesting irony, tomorrow is Valentine's day. On Valentine's day, four years ago, that girl sent me a note and asked me to a movie. That was the beginning of our dating relationship.
On a lighter note, I'm glad I was able to walk out of a horror movie with most of my sanity intact. The last horror movie I walked out of, I was terrified of the dark all the way home and for a few days afterward. The only side effects this movie had were: 1) my eyes constantly looking for the woman in black, either in windows, cars, down hallways, etc 2) me being terrified about the children I live with.
Oh, on another note, I don't recommend watching "The Woman In Black" if you have small children, especially if you're already pretty sensitive to horror movies. That being said, I will close up this blog post and get some sleep.
The main plot point for "The Woman In Black" is about a woman, Jannette. Jannette is deemed to be mentally unstable, and her son is taken away from her by her sister. Sometime later, the son is travelling with his adopted parents and dies in a tragic accident: their carriage sinks in the mud. Jannette angrily declares that she will never forgive her sister, and that her sister never tried to save her son. Jannette hangs herself, and comes back as a ghost in black. Whenever someone visits her house, she kills a child in the local village. The main character thinks he resolves the issue by finding and returning Janette's son's body to Janette's grave, but ghost has already sworn that she will 'never forgive'.
I found it interesting that forgiveness, or the inability to forgive, played a large part in the movie. As I drove home, I started to think about two people that I judge I have hurt pretty deeply. No matter how much time has passed, I always feel like I want to tell them 'I'm sorry'. I'm sorry that things didn't turn out. I'm sorry I wasn't in the right place to make our relationship work out. One of these people is a girl that I dated in college. The other is a man that I called my best friend for awhile. With the girl, I kept dating her, expecting some kind of spark to happen in me, and for me to become attracted to her. I'd rather not go into the other story, far too personal and painful.
Anyways, as I drove home, I felt a great deal of pain. I realized that I was still struggling to forgive myself for it. On another note, I also realized I still have a lot of anger due to the incidents directed toward the other people. That probably extends from the pain of not being able to forgive myself. Honestly, I feel like a man divided. Instead of there being two equal pieces, I end up with two shadows. The scene in my head almost plays out like a scene from a play.
One part of me lie curled in a ball, trying to numb everything out. He rocks and tries to comfort himself. He says 'I'm sorry' over and over. He also says 'I can never forgive myself for what I've done'. In reality, he is the innocent one. Standing over him is Tumm. Tumm is dressed in black, as usual, with blood on his hands. He is the real one at fault in the situation. Tumm's duty is to draw boundaries, enforce them, and to understand what is going on with the other part of me, which is lying huddled on the ground. Tumm is pointing his finger, angrily, at me and at the people around me. He says 'It's all your fault!'. He points at me and says 'I can never forgive you. You're worthless. It's all your fault.'
As silly as it sounds, writing it out like that helps me to gain insight into what is going on, and how I can figure out how to heal myself. Tumm needs to accept the fact that he was also responsible for my actions. The other part needs to know that he didn't know what was going on, and that he was under a delusion of sorts. It's like I need to realize I'm both guilty and innocent at the same time. And ultimately, I need to forgive myself to find a sense of closure.
As an interesting irony, tomorrow is Valentine's day. On Valentine's day, four years ago, that girl sent me a note and asked me to a movie. That was the beginning of our dating relationship.
On a lighter note, I'm glad I was able to walk out of a horror movie with most of my sanity intact. The last horror movie I walked out of, I was terrified of the dark all the way home and for a few days afterward. The only side effects this movie had were: 1) my eyes constantly looking for the woman in black, either in windows, cars, down hallways, etc 2) me being terrified about the children I live with.
Oh, on another note, I don't recommend watching "The Woman In Black" if you have small children, especially if you're already pretty sensitive to horror movies. That being said, I will close up this blog post and get some sleep.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Victimization, Defensive Detachment, And Tumm Arising
I couldn't think of a better title for this post. I had a number of very powerful insights yesterday during my support group. The day started out pretty bad and ended up being a lot better.
As I went to my support group, I finally got some insight into the fact that I have been victimizing myself quite a bit lately. I pass a lot of time thinking basically 'Poor me!' Instead of doing something about the problems and situations that are in front of me, I let myself languish in agony over past hurts and offenses. I had been feeling lonely, but at the same time I was so focused on the fact that no one was talking to me, that I didn't reach out to talk to others. I was lonely, and doing nothing but dwelling on the fact that I was lonely. I was making myself a victim, a martyr if you will.
During my support group, I realize this, and started to decide that I was tired of making myself the victim. I was tired of taking the passive route in my life. I was going to do something. As I made this resolution, I discovered that my victimization and my defensive detachment are very closely intertwined. When I become the victim, everyone around me turns into someone that has or will hurt me, and then I withdraw myself to keep myself "safe". It's a pattern I've followed for so many years. I've perpetuated the disconnection, the loneliness, and the pain by not connecting to the people around me. In a sense, I was abusing myself and denying myself what I really needed.
It was interesting the surge of power that I have felt today. I felt like I got things done! I had some questions about a internet service providers service and I actually called them up rather than spending time trying to assume what it was like. I took a step to correct a mistake that I had made. When I found myself slipping into the 'poor me!' mindset, I quickly reminded myself that I am not a victim.
Sure, I may be hurt. I may be broken on the inside. I'm battered, bruised, and wounded. That doesn't mean that I can't stand up and fight. I still have my resilience and inner strength. I can still stand my ground, and I still have the power to choose. My gift of agency doesn't depend on anything being perfect in my life. Like I overheard in Primary this last week at church, angency is the power to choose. As I felt my 'inner Tumm' well up, I felt myself tapping into that power. It was incredible. Yesterday night and today are probably the few times in a long time where I've felt Tumm become more 'integrated' into me, instead of him being a totally separate part of me. It's so weird to feel a 'steeling' of sort inside. I don't think I've ever felt so strong.
It's been some incredible progress.
Going forward, I'm going to take a more proactive step to reach out for help. I have many, many wonderful, caring, and loving friends who are willing to listen and help me work through things.
I also realize that this strength comes from my Heavenly Father. He's the one that gave me the gift of agency and gave me the wonderful gift of life. When I use this gift He's given me to follow His path, then His power flows through me to touch everything I touch.
Oh, and don't make Tumm angry. He likes to throw around fire when he gets upset.
P. S. Tumm was first introduced in this post.
As I went to my support group, I finally got some insight into the fact that I have been victimizing myself quite a bit lately. I pass a lot of time thinking basically 'Poor me!' Instead of doing something about the problems and situations that are in front of me, I let myself languish in agony over past hurts and offenses. I had been feeling lonely, but at the same time I was so focused on the fact that no one was talking to me, that I didn't reach out to talk to others. I was lonely, and doing nothing but dwelling on the fact that I was lonely. I was making myself a victim, a martyr if you will.
During my support group, I realize this, and started to decide that I was tired of making myself the victim. I was tired of taking the passive route in my life. I was going to do something. As I made this resolution, I discovered that my victimization and my defensive detachment are very closely intertwined. When I become the victim, everyone around me turns into someone that has or will hurt me, and then I withdraw myself to keep myself "safe". It's a pattern I've followed for so many years. I've perpetuated the disconnection, the loneliness, and the pain by not connecting to the people around me. In a sense, I was abusing myself and denying myself what I really needed.
It was interesting the surge of power that I have felt today. I felt like I got things done! I had some questions about a internet service providers service and I actually called them up rather than spending time trying to assume what it was like. I took a step to correct a mistake that I had made. When I found myself slipping into the 'poor me!' mindset, I quickly reminded myself that I am not a victim.
Sure, I may be hurt. I may be broken on the inside. I'm battered, bruised, and wounded. That doesn't mean that I can't stand up and fight. I still have my resilience and inner strength. I can still stand my ground, and I still have the power to choose. My gift of agency doesn't depend on anything being perfect in my life. Like I overheard in Primary this last week at church, angency is the power to choose. As I felt my 'inner Tumm' well up, I felt myself tapping into that power. It was incredible. Yesterday night and today are probably the few times in a long time where I've felt Tumm become more 'integrated' into me, instead of him being a totally separate part of me. It's so weird to feel a 'steeling' of sort inside. I don't think I've ever felt so strong.
It's been some incredible progress.
Going forward, I'm going to take a more proactive step to reach out for help. I have many, many wonderful, caring, and loving friends who are willing to listen and help me work through things.
I also realize that this strength comes from my Heavenly Father. He's the one that gave me the gift of agency and gave me the wonderful gift of life. When I use this gift He's given me to follow His path, then His power flows through me to touch everything I touch.
Oh, and don't make Tumm angry. He likes to throw around fire when he gets upset.
P. S. Tumm was first introduced in this post.
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