It's been a long while since I've blogged on here. A long time indeed. I can admit that a large part of that was probably due to pride. I've been afraid to share what has been really going on in my life. I know that I've been wearing a mask, and not admitting to people, even my closest of friends, some of the deep struggles I have been going through.
In summary, I have been under a lot of stress. My depression seems to be wanting to come back. I've been struggling with loneliness. I've been over indulging in playing video games. I've gone to work tired and left exhausted. I've felt annoyed by my co-workers and by working. I've been struggling to stay on task. On top of it all, I haven't been diligent in my scripture studies and my prayers. I've tried reaching out to friends, but I kept thinking 'this just isn't helping'.
To make matters more complicated, I made a rather grave mistake last week. I will not go into details here (it is something rather personal). I can say that there may be far reaching consequences. I spent a good deal of the weekend feeling numbness, regret, sadness. Going to church and serving in my calling was difficult. I did manage to stay most of the 3 hour block. I left just after the sacrament had been passed. I am really uncertain what all of the consequences for my actions will be. I feel that I do have to face them head on.
Last night, after another soul wrenching feeling of despair, I realized that I needed to change some things in my life. First off, I really need to reduce the amount of video games I'm playing, especially at work. I also need to reduce my YouTube watching at work, and reduce the amount of foul language and other cruddy content I'm putting into my brain. I need to seek out wholesome activities. I want to stop feeling like all my free time is 'busy' with video games. I want to be the sort of person who can drop a video game to go to a church meeting or to interact with a friend. I want to drop the priority that they have taken in my life. Second, I want to start putting God first. I'm not entirely sure how it is going to work out.
Last, but not least, I want to try to stop stressing out so much. I remember hearing once that 'Stress comes from arguing with reality'. I know I've been doing a lot of stressing and hence, a lot of arguing with reality. Thoughts like 'I should be perfect', 'I shouldn't have any doubts about the church', 'I should have a fervent, burning testimony', 'I should want to help out other people' have not been helping me. Instead, they have been draining my energy and leaving me feeling hopeless, angry, frustrated, annoyed, or even numb. I know the root of some of those ideas are positive. There are many righteous desires in there! I think the key word that I need to eliminate from my thoughts is 'should'. Should indicates duty, obligation, or correctness. Should steals away my agency. When I say 'I should like the color green', I've mentally taken away my ability to not like the color. I do not want to use 'shouldy' thinking anymore.
Instead, I want to have a fervent testimony. I want to help out other people. I want to place God at a top priority in my life. I want to have meaningful, deep friendships with other men in my life (and possible women). I want to fully live the gospel, the true gospel. I want to let go of faulty beliefs I have around the gospel, the church, God, the Atonement, and many other things. I still want to play video games. I just want them not to be my defining feature anymore.
Like I said in a recent Facebook post, a D&D character partially helped me receive the inspiration to change my perspective on life. The character is a cleric and he worships the 'Elder' or 'Father' god. He is a firm believer in fate. If someone dies, then they were meant to die. If his healing manages to save them, they were meant to be saved. In fact, on of his most common lines is 'it was meant to be'. He is free from stressing over the past. He is free to live in the present and to make choices as he sees fit. Overall, he's one of my favorite characters to play. Well, the fact that he can pretend to be a really big dog kind of makes him fun to role play.
That aside, I love you all. I pray we can all continue on this journey called life, and can find the true joy and happiness that comes from doing what we know is good, right, and just.
My mission is to build a world of light, love, and truth.
Showing posts with label Stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Stress. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Monday, February 20, 2012
Worries - 20Feb2012
Worry is quite the interesting beast. He's been paying me visit very often lately. There's been a number of things that I've been worried about. It feels like I have a huge long list of things that have been on my mind lately.
1) I'm worried that I'm in some sort of deep numbness. I've been actually received some healthy touch lately, and I noticed it hasn't felt quite the same way. It's almost like I'm walled off against it. I know I may have some unprocessed trauma around it. It isn't something I'm willing to post up here in public. Part of this worry is that I know touch is a very important thing for me. I still feel like I want it, yet it doesn't seem to help when I do get it.
2) Related to item 1, I noticed that my emotions have been very muted lately, especially ones related to bonding and connection with other people: feeling loved, happiness, peace. I have felt some strong feelings of happiness, peace, and anger. Sadness seems to be oddly absent. I think the last time few times I remember feeling strong emotions was at the therapist and when I was at the temple. This could possibly be a by-product of being sick. Or it could just be a pattern of me detaching from myself.
3) The big worry in my sights right now is a medical test that I am having this week. I can't remember if I posted about the chest pains I've had while working out, or sometimes even while resting. I performed a heart stress test, and my heart is fine. The doctor said it was probably heartburn, so I've been taking a medication for that. Still, the pain has persisted, along with other strange things. I can feel food get 'stuck' in my esophagus. Sometimes my throat will seize up, or go into painful spasms. So, I'm going to get an EGD.
An EGD, or esophagogastroduodenoscopy, is basically where they stick a camera down the person's thraot. I've never had one before, but I've had plenty of horrifying fantasies about it since I first heard of it. I was feeling very nervous and terrified when I first heard about it. Oddly, it's isn't so bad since I learned they will put me under some form of anesthesia. The big worry about it now is paying for it. I don't have money problems frequently, but when I do, it usually causes me to panic. Oddly, I feel very detached from the feeling of panic, but I still find myself trying to calculate how much the procedure will cost and how I'm going to pay for it.
4) On top of all of this, I keep finding myself engaged in what I call 'deviant' behavior. It can be anything from fantasizing about a man, obsessing over them, finding myself looking for triggering pictures, avoiding people that I feel attracted to, or trying to hide myself from the world. It's basically a set of unhealthy behaviors that lead me to not feeling connected with the people around me. This deviant behavior is paired with an obsession over friendship and not feeling like I'm close to anyone.
When I take an honest look, I think all of these things I'm worried about are connected. The fear and worry over the procedure could be shorting out my feelings. That makes me feel like I'm not close to anyone, and leads me to seek that out. Because my feelings aren't working properly, I don't feel like I'm connected and I'm driven to the unhealthy behaviors to try to feel something. Sadly, I'm not quite sure how to break out of the cycle. Thankfully, I have a visit with my therapist tomorrow. Hopefully he can help me sort out parts of it.
I would also appreciate your prayers for the procedure this Wednesday. I'm going to need all the help and assurance I can get. Thank you.
1) I'm worried that I'm in some sort of deep numbness. I've been actually received some healthy touch lately, and I noticed it hasn't felt quite the same way. It's almost like I'm walled off against it. I know I may have some unprocessed trauma around it. It isn't something I'm willing to post up here in public. Part of this worry is that I know touch is a very important thing for me. I still feel like I want it, yet it doesn't seem to help when I do get it.
2) Related to item 1, I noticed that my emotions have been very muted lately, especially ones related to bonding and connection with other people: feeling loved, happiness, peace. I have felt some strong feelings of happiness, peace, and anger. Sadness seems to be oddly absent. I think the last time few times I remember feeling strong emotions was at the therapist and when I was at the temple. This could possibly be a by-product of being sick. Or it could just be a pattern of me detaching from myself.
3) The big worry in my sights right now is a medical test that I am having this week. I can't remember if I posted about the chest pains I've had while working out, or sometimes even while resting. I performed a heart stress test, and my heart is fine. The doctor said it was probably heartburn, so I've been taking a medication for that. Still, the pain has persisted, along with other strange things. I can feel food get 'stuck' in my esophagus. Sometimes my throat will seize up, or go into painful spasms. So, I'm going to get an EGD.
An EGD, or esophagogastroduodenoscopy, is basically where they stick a camera down the person's thraot. I've never had one before, but I've had plenty of horrifying fantasies about it since I first heard of it. I was feeling very nervous and terrified when I first heard about it. Oddly, it's isn't so bad since I learned they will put me under some form of anesthesia. The big worry about it now is paying for it. I don't have money problems frequently, but when I do, it usually causes me to panic. Oddly, I feel very detached from the feeling of panic, but I still find myself trying to calculate how much the procedure will cost and how I'm going to pay for it.
4) On top of all of this, I keep finding myself engaged in what I call 'deviant' behavior. It can be anything from fantasizing about a man, obsessing over them, finding myself looking for triggering pictures, avoiding people that I feel attracted to, or trying to hide myself from the world. It's basically a set of unhealthy behaviors that lead me to not feeling connected with the people around me. This deviant behavior is paired with an obsession over friendship and not feeling like I'm close to anyone.
When I take an honest look, I think all of these things I'm worried about are connected. The fear and worry over the procedure could be shorting out my feelings. That makes me feel like I'm not close to anyone, and leads me to seek that out. Because my feelings aren't working properly, I don't feel like I'm connected and I'm driven to the unhealthy behaviors to try to feel something. Sadly, I'm not quite sure how to break out of the cycle. Thankfully, I have a visit with my therapist tomorrow. Hopefully he can help me sort out parts of it.
I would also appreciate your prayers for the procedure this Wednesday. I'm going to need all the help and assurance I can get. Thank you.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Feeling Off 5Feb2012
Yesterday, I received an interesting e-mail from Innergold Weekly Boost. At the begging of the e-mail was this quote:
"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way. Something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life." -Fr. Alfred D'Souza
I read the e-mail before church and I was thinking about it as I sat in Sacrament meeting. For the last few mornings, I've been waking up feeling tired and with a nasty headache. This morning seems to be a repeat of the same trend. Perhaps part of my exhaustion is related to some odd dreams that I've had lately. Both of these occurred on Saturday night.
In one dream, I friend of mine that I know for a few years was saying critical things of me, over and over and over. I got tired of it, so I slammed a door shut on him. That same friend had posted something I thought was really annoying that previous Friday. I hid the post and then lowered my subscription level on that friend so that I wouldn't see as many of his updates. Another friend posted something about him hanging out with his 'BFF'. I hid that post because it was simply to triggering for me.
In another dream from Saturday night, a girl had caught a hold of my finger, and would not let get despite my protests. Yesterday in Sacrament meeting, the little girl that I live with always caught a hold of my finger and was using it to point at the words as she read. It was funny for awhile, but after a moment, I was done with it and tried to pull my finger away. It took some effort and brief protest on my part. A similar pattern was repeated in Sacrament and then after church with her as well.
I honestly feel a bit disturbed when my dreams seem to have basis in real life. I do hope some other parts of dreams I've had lately are not going to come true, although most of them seem to be based in things that have been on my mind. Body shame and desire to see what other men look like has been on my mind a lot. Probably explains why shirtless men have been showing up repeatedly in my dreams.
What I don't understand is the repeated feeling of headache, tiredness, and upset stomach. They all seem to be signs of stress. I have been thinking a lot lately. Work has been stressful in very odd ways. Some of it is a different work environment. I used to work on an LDS Church site and that is very different from the current place that I work. I also don't feel like I have very many friends at the current work site, or at least people I feel comfortable talking to besides my account manager, who is a very busy man. The co-worker that sits next to me bothers me in a few different ways. I find many of the other men I work with attractive but also distant.
There's also the stress about trying to figure out how to get my needs met healthily, live a life in the gospel, and still manage my feelings of attraction. I've been feeling quite a bit of frustration in that department. In the past when I've gotten healthy touch from guys, my feelings of attraction have literally vanished. Even though I received quite a bit this last weekend, the feelings are still present, and still bothering me. I also worry that this drive to receive healthy touch is leading me on the road to acting out. I find myself thinking that the touch I got wasn't 'enough'. I worry that will lead me closer and closer to doing something that I will regret later.
Back to the thought that started this post. I sat in sacrament meeting, with my headache and upset stomach, and realized that pain is one of those obstacles I've been allowing to impede me from feeling like I was living life and being happy. That's when a quote from Princess Bride entered into my head "Life is pain, princess". That simple reminder reminds me that life is mean to be a trial. I can't count the number of times I prayed for pain, both emotional and physical, to be taken away, and that prayer has not been answered. I've found myself praying for the strength to bear the pain, rather than for it to go away. After that, church was very good. I felt a sense of belonging there that I haven't felt before. It started to feel like some of the members cared for me.
Even with the realization, I feel off today. Yesterday, I found it hard to remember something as simple as my address. I felt slower than normal. Today, the same headache and upset stomach has been joined by gum pain. Sometimes I honestly worry that my body is falling apart, and I don't know quite what to do about that. I figure it may just be a phase, me getting sick, or simply part of the trail of life. It could also be some lingering shock from having my car towed.
I realize this post today was pretty random. When I don't feel well, I struggle to organize things coherently. A lot of it was things that have been on my mind and worrying me lately.
In one dream, I friend of mine that I know for a few years was saying critical things of me, over and over and over. I got tired of it, so I slammed a door shut on him. That same friend had posted something I thought was really annoying that previous Friday. I hid the post and then lowered my subscription level on that friend so that I wouldn't see as many of his updates. Another friend posted something about him hanging out with his 'BFF'. I hid that post because it was simply to triggering for me.
In another dream from Saturday night, a girl had caught a hold of my finger, and would not let get despite my protests. Yesterday in Sacrament meeting, the little girl that I live with always caught a hold of my finger and was using it to point at the words as she read. It was funny for awhile, but after a moment, I was done with it and tried to pull my finger away. It took some effort and brief protest on my part. A similar pattern was repeated in Sacrament and then after church with her as well.
I honestly feel a bit disturbed when my dreams seem to have basis in real life. I do hope some other parts of dreams I've had lately are not going to come true, although most of them seem to be based in things that have been on my mind. Body shame and desire to see what other men look like has been on my mind a lot. Probably explains why shirtless men have been showing up repeatedly in my dreams.
What I don't understand is the repeated feeling of headache, tiredness, and upset stomach. They all seem to be signs of stress. I have been thinking a lot lately. Work has been stressful in very odd ways. Some of it is a different work environment. I used to work on an LDS Church site and that is very different from the current place that I work. I also don't feel like I have very many friends at the current work site, or at least people I feel comfortable talking to besides my account manager, who is a very busy man. The co-worker that sits next to me bothers me in a few different ways. I find many of the other men I work with attractive but also distant.
There's also the stress about trying to figure out how to get my needs met healthily, live a life in the gospel, and still manage my feelings of attraction. I've been feeling quite a bit of frustration in that department. In the past when I've gotten healthy touch from guys, my feelings of attraction have literally vanished. Even though I received quite a bit this last weekend, the feelings are still present, and still bothering me. I also worry that this drive to receive healthy touch is leading me on the road to acting out. I find myself thinking that the touch I got wasn't 'enough'. I worry that will lead me closer and closer to doing something that I will regret later.
Back to the thought that started this post. I sat in sacrament meeting, with my headache and upset stomach, and realized that pain is one of those obstacles I've been allowing to impede me from feeling like I was living life and being happy. That's when a quote from Princess Bride entered into my head "Life is pain, princess". That simple reminder reminds me that life is mean to be a trial. I can't count the number of times I prayed for pain, both emotional and physical, to be taken away, and that prayer has not been answered. I've found myself praying for the strength to bear the pain, rather than for it to go away. After that, church was very good. I felt a sense of belonging there that I haven't felt before. It started to feel like some of the members cared for me.
Even with the realization, I feel off today. Yesterday, I found it hard to remember something as simple as my address. I felt slower than normal. Today, the same headache and upset stomach has been joined by gum pain. Sometimes I honestly worry that my body is falling apart, and I don't know quite what to do about that. I figure it may just be a phase, me getting sick, or simply part of the trail of life. It could also be some lingering shock from having my car towed.
I realize this post today was pretty random. When I don't feel well, I struggle to organize things coherently. A lot of it was things that have been on my mind and worrying me lately.
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