Bouncing Around In My Head 30Jan2012

Today is another installment of 'Bouncing Around in My Head'.  I'll be exploring a number of thoughts/ponderings that I've been having lately.

Since the coming out post, I actively told a number of friends of mine from my old Sigma Gamma Chi chapter about the fact that I had same gender attraction. (I say old because the fraternity was disbanded last year.) Most of the guys felt honored that I told them.  Some of them were confused.  Some of them already knew about me.  I honestly was confused with the ones that already knew about me.  I wonder why they hadn't ever brought it up with me, or tried to talk with me about it.  It almost makes me feel like they'd been watching me for years, observing this behavior in me.  Honestly, I say that and realize that I'm the one that's been watching my behavior very closely and always trying to decide my motives behind doing things.  For the most part, it's not always fair to myself.  Often times, my motives start out innocent.  As I over-think things, I twist my own motives into things more insidious.

On a happy note, I've been asking for safe places to get my touch needs met.  It's been very helpful and scary. It's interesting that I'm so unfamiliar with asking for something like that that I'm terrified of asking, and also scared when it happens.  On the other hand, not taking care of this need of mine was slowly killing me, and led me to do something desperate.  Thankfully, nothing too terrible happened there.  Since then, I've been fulfilling my needs in a better, safer, healthier way.  I'm trying to accept the fact that I need to regularly get this need met.  I have a need for closeness with other men.  In my eyes, it's a very natural, nonsexual sort of thing.  It's when I don't get it met that it morphs into something else.  Today, I still feel a drive to seek out touch, but I don't feel nearly as desperate or like I'm white knuckling through things as much.

Last Friday, I was exchanging some texts with an acquaintance of mine.  He also experiences same gender attraction and has decided to have a boyfriend.  Whenever we text, he nearly always says that he's doing 'great'.  In our last exchange, he told (as he has before) that I was 'born this way' and that I should 'just get a man to sleep with'.  Honestly, his comments infuriated me.  I highly disagree with the idea that I was born with same gender attraction.  I also wasn't born 5'6" with a full head of hair, an adult body, and a passion for games of all sorts.  Those were things that developed over time.  I could agree with the fact I was born with a tendency to be attracted toward other men.  Perhaps my spirit was created with a greater need to bond with those of my same gender.  I can agree with the idea that I was born more sensitive and introverted.  I can't agree with the idea I was born with same gender attraction.  So, 'born this way'. If you're talking about my personality, then yes.  If you're talking about same gender attraction, no.  I honestly feel like same gender attraction, specifically when it's a sexual nature, is a construct on top of some of my more basic personality features, basic needs, learned behaviors, and unmet needs.  Same gender attraction, for me, is something far too complicated for a newborn to have.

In contract, I was speaking with another friend of mine, who also has same gender attraction, and he asked me a very profound question.  Instead of trying to play the 'I know exactly who you are' card, he opted to understand my position.  He asked me: "For whom are you trying to be straight?"  Honestly, the question stunned me.  I honestly wasn't quite sure at the time, and I realize the question is far more complicated than it may appear on the surface.  I'll have to address it once piece at a time.

I'll start near the end with the word 'trying to be straight'.  I can honestly state that in the past, I have tried to be straight.  I've tried to suppress and ignore my feelings of same gender attraction.  All it brought me was depression, self hatred, and misery.  Since I've started to face and understand my feelings of attraction for men, I've slowly been learning to accept them.  It's been a long process.  I still have a long ways to go.  There's probably some lingering part of me that expects me to magically want to date women, feel emotional/sexually attracted to them, and want to marry one.  There definitely is some lingering self hatred and resentment for the fact that I have same gender attraction.  I'm still pushing through.  Until I fully accept the fact I have this, I doubt that Heavenly Father will fully reveal His intention for giving me this trial/challenge/curse/blessing.  Recently, I had a profound talk with my therapist (see this blog post) that helped open my eyes to the possibility of embracing and accepting my same gender attraction, without giving up my religious beliefs.  I honestly do believe I can enjoy deep, emotional connection with men and not break any laws of the gospel.  I also believe I can be physically close (note not sexually/romantically close) with other men and not be breaking any laws of the gospel.  The goal is for me to slowly work myself into a position where I can accept and embrace those things, because I believe they are things that I need.  I've denied them for a long time, so it's going to take more time.

Now for the first part 'for whom'.  For me, that's asking 'Why do I do what I do?'  As I've thought about this question, I've also been reading I Don't Want To Kill You by Dan Wells.  The book is about a sociopath teen who is obsessed with serial killers.  He's studied how they work and think.  One of the questions that he likes to ask is 'What did the killer do, that they didn't have to do?'  The whole point of it was to understand how the serial killer is thinking.  Or more accurately, what kind of holes the serial killer is trying to fill in their soul with killing.  I also asked myself this question, trying to understand why I masturbate.  Beyond eating, drinking, sleeping, and physical touch, there's not much I need to do in relation to my body.  Why would I do something unnecessary like masturbation?  What kind of hole am I trying to fill?  After examining the behavior, and the thoughts that come up related to it, I realized that I was trying to find connection with other people.  There is a hole where other people should go in my heart.  For some reason, I have a hard time filling up that hole.  I try to fill it up with something else, masturbation.  And that honestly doesn't fill it up for me.  I just realized that this paragraph is totally off topic.

Now, back to the original subject, why do I do what I do?  My ultimate goal is to do things for Heavenly Father.  I want to do His will.  I want to be back in His presence one day.  I want to have His happiness.  I've felt His love.  I yearn to feel it all the time.  Is that what always motivates me?  Of course not.  Sometimes I do things purely for myself (out of selfishness).  Sometimes I do things for myself to take care of myself (out of love for myself).  Sometimes I do things to ascribe to an ideal, standard, or religious teaching.  My least favorite is when I do things because of what I worry of what other people would think or what society would think of me.  That has never led me to happiness.  Ultimately, I want to be inspired and moved to act by love.  Pure love.  Charity.  Love for myself, for my fellow man (and woman), and for a love of God.

Much easier said than done.

Well, friend who shall go unnamed, thank you for posing that question! It's honestly led me to recommitting myself to seek out the pure love of Christ (see Moroni 7:44-48 for one of my favorite definitions of charity).  It's also helped me take another look at myself in a different sort of light.  Thank you again!

Thank you for reading.  If you have comments/insights/musings/questions, feel free to e-mail me (my e-mail is below).  You can also comment on this blog post.  Also, I accept text messages and Facebook messages (if you happen to know how to contact me that way).

Thank you friends.
-Andrew

I don't--wait I do! 9Nov2011

I had the most interesting realization last night on the drive home from my support group.

I've always wanted a 'gaming buddy'.  Someone to hang out with and play video games with.  Something I've complained about is how no one at work wants to be my friend 'outside' of work.  Well, last night I realized that two different men at work have expressed a desire for me to join a game called 'League of Legends'.  One of them is actually really interested in the fact that I started it up and 'friended' me.  We were going to play this week, but there were some technical issues and it didn't quite work out.  The other man doesn't know that I've actually joined up with the game.

I find it ironic that I am oftentimes blessed with want or need, but I can't see it.  Reminds me of lyrics from a song that say: "The sun is in your eyes. The sun is in your ears.  But you can't see the son, ever in the darkness."  I feel like the Lord is answering my prayers for more friendship with men.  There's also the fact that people at work and at church seem to be more friendly and warm than normal.  I am grateful for these things.

Paired with this realization that I am more blessed that I acknowledge or am grateful for, is the tendency for me to 'beat myself up' or think negatively myself for not being more aware of my blessings.  The adversary does like to come in and try to disrupt positive things.  For now, though, I think I will enjoy this idea of having two new gaming buddies, and ignore the lie that I am 'bad' for not recognizing it sooner.

Small Rays of Sunshine 6Nov2011

After writing the post on self disgust, I went into a pretty black mood.  I don't know where it came from.  Maybe I've been ignoring that self disgust so much that it all overcame me in a wave.  Maybe writing up that post made me feel black.  It was hard to think straight, or even think at all.  My emotions seemed to be highly dampened.  I felt depressed and just felt like I was caught in a mire.

I went to church anyways.  I think that was a good choice.  I remember praying during fast and testimony meeting for help.  I wanted to overcome the feelings I had.  I didn't like feel miserable or trapped.  I didn't like feeling stuck.  I hate feeling stuck.

Finally, just before I had to conduct the music of Elders Quorum, I felt something warm and light inside.  I was so grateful for a break in the cloud.

I was driving to a family dinner, and I felt worried.  I was planning on telling my two older sisters that I had same gender attraction.  I reminded myself that my sisters loved me and that my family loves me.  Then I felt another overwhelming wave of warmth and light inside me.  I thought to myself "Isn't it nice to have a break in the clouds?"  The thought arose that this wouldn't last forever and I ignored it.  Instead, I simply wanted to enjoy the warmth and the light for as long as it lasted.

I told my sisters and they were both understanding.  One came and wrapper her arm around me and hugged me in close.  They both had questions, well, one had a lot of questions about what kind of therapy and work I was doing.  It was a very positive experience.  I actually enjoyed that time with the family.  The chaos of having 8 nieces and nephews running around, crying, shouting, screaming, and playing.  I helped washed the dishes.  The food was excellent.

The experience of telling my sisters was so positive that I started to wonder why I hadn't done that before.  I immediately stifled that thought.  I knew that if I entertained the "Why did I wait so long to..." thought, that I would simply get upset and disgusted with myself again.  I didn't want to feel that.  I instead wanted to enjoy how I was feeling at that moment.

When I was leaving, feeling happy, the thought came again that "This doesn't last".  I again tried to ignore that thought.  Now that the black mood has passed, I can see that pessimism was heavily involved.  When I feel bad, I think I'm going to feel like that forever.  My pessimism states that my life is a sea of black with some brief moments of light.  When I feel happy, my pessimism states that it won't last.  In fact, it says that when I wake up, I'm going to be all grumpy and in a bad mood again.

Well, that was partially true.  Although, I think I realized that again this morning.  I need to look at, and celebrate what is good in life.  For instance, I was totally tickled pink by the fact I had a loofah in the shower this morning.  Later, I was amused by the fact that I could see my breath this morning.  I looked back at an experience that seemed 'negative' and saw that I learned to trust in the Lord more because of the experience.

Instead of looking at something and thinking "What's wrong?" I can think "What's right?".  Instead of looking back and saying "What was I thinking?" I can say "What was I learning?".

I am grateful that Heavenly Father answers prayers.  I'm also grateful that he responds to fasts.  I was actually fasting that my family would be understanding and open to what I had to share.

Tests, Touch, Therapy 2Nov2011

I've been feeling more positive, at least since yesterday night.  There's been some interesting events in my life that may have changed things.

First off, touch is a very powerful force in my life.  Based one what I've learned about myself, it's the primary why I feel that I am loved by another person.  I've "known" this for years, but I didn't actually acknowledge until I went to Journey Into Manhood and later read 5 Love Languages.  This is an important fact for the events I'm about to share.

This morning, I had to do a stress test for my heart.  I felt pretty nervous.  The technician prepped me for the test, which involved rubbing of my skin with some gel and hooking up more wires and electrodes than I think I ever want to see again.  I sat and watched my heart rate, which was in the high 90's to low 100's.  That's pretty high for a resting heart rate.  Like I said I was nervous.

My doctor came in.  When I saw him, I felt a brief stab of nervousness and anxiety.  I feel an attraction toward my doctor.  He came in, smiled at me, gave me a brief pat on the shoulder and looked at the ECG.  Honestly, I did like that the doctor gave me a pat.  It felt reassuring.  Then he listened to my heart, while putting one hand on my shoulder.  When he finished, I glanced at the ECG and my pulse had gone down to 68.  After he moved away, my pulse quickly moved back up to the 90's.

I found it interesting, but I did notice I felt a good deal calmer when his hand was on my shoulder.  I have noticed at times when I'm receiving healthy, appropriate touch from men, that I relax and start to feel sleepy.  I am typically a pretty high strung person, and at times I feel desperate to be loved.  I'm probably pretty close to exhausted most of the time, and when I finally feel loved, I let myself feel that exhaustion.

I'm guessing part of the fact that I'm feeling so well is also due to a therapy visit.  My therapist and I talked about a few different things, and he was able to give me some good homework to do.  The most challenging is to define what real masculinity is.  At the end of the session, he gave me an even longer hug than normal, and was restating the homework that he gave me.  I found it very reassuring.

To follow up with the therapy visit, I had a nice long talk with a friend on the phone who is a fellow same gender attraction struggler, and then a visit with another friend.  It was wonderful to connect and feel understood.  It was also nice to exchange some good healthy touch with another friend.

Anyways, back to the medical test.  I went 14 minutes with the Bruce protocol, which is apparently 4 minutes longer than other people go.  My doctor said my ECG looked excellent, and I have a 99% that I don't have any heart problems.  The technician said I held the record for the longest person to do the test.  I feel pretty proud of that although I'm feeling tired still.

Video Game Music that I Like - Riders of the Light from Bayonetta

Today's music comes from a video game that I've really enjoyed called Bayonetta.  The game really deserves it's own blog post, because I think it's that awesome.

Bayonetta is an action game created by Platinum Games.  The main character is Bayonetta.  Twenty years ago she awoke in a coffin in the bottom of a lake.  All she knows is that she has the power to summon demons and must slay angels in order to keep her demonic masters silent.  She also owns a gemstone that is one of the "Eyes of the World".  Her journey begins as she seeks out the other gem in the set.  Disclaimer: Bayonetta is rated M for Gore, Strong Language, Partial Nudity, and Sensuous Material.

Riders of the Light is a song that plays during one of the early cutscenes of the game, and is also player during many of the battles throughout the game.  Although it's technically 'fight music', the song sounds more like  dancing music to me.  Upbeat, fast paced, and full of beautiful piano parts.  I'm quite fond of good piano music.  In my opinion, good video game music will evoke emotion and mentally prepare me for whatever it is I'm to do in the game.  Great video game music also is entertaining.  This song has lifted my spirits, and made traffic much more enjoyable.  Although I've found while listening to this in the car, I'm a lot more prone to speeding.

Enjoy!  And as Bayonetta would say "I've got a fever, and the only cure is more dead angels!"