It's been a pretty interest past week for me. I've been gaining a lot of interesting insights into me and life in general. Some of them were shared in the 'Worth of Tools' post I made last week. Here's a list of some more that I've gotten.
In talking with my sister:
Repentance is more than changing behavior. Repentance is changing how I think. How I think is really the sum of who I am. It's what really matters at the end of the day. How I look is temporary, but how I think about how I look has much more significance and importance.
In talking with a man from the ward:
Labels and stigma only divide. If we are to 'mourn with those who mourn', we need to be united.
In talking with my therapist:
Friendships are not based off of the two friends using each other. It's based off of the two people sharing what they like with each other. It's based off of two people reaching out to support and help each other.
My therapist and I talked about how common interests often help draw friends together. I tried to compare two different people I knew. One of them, I enjoy spending time with. The other, I don't like spending time with. I have things in common with both of them. The difference is that one friend seems to give and share. The other seems to take and drain. Probably explains why one friendship still seems viable and I need space from the other person.
Isolation is something that has hurt my ability to make friends. If I'm not sharing or being open to other people, how am I to make friends?
We talked about my Elder's Quorum president a bit. I stated that I had written a letter to him, talking about how I had same gender attraction. My therapist suggested that I would need to talk to him in person, and that it would be a form of conflict. I said that it was more me taking a risk and being vulnerable. He then smiled and stated that the conflict was with myself, rather than with the Elder's Quorum president. That's when I remarked back, half joking, but half truthfully that I was tired all the time because I was always in conflict with myself.
One of the most powerful insights I got from the therapist was that I was trying to derive a sense of self worth from being touched rather than having the touch affirm or validate my value. As I talked with another friend, I realized that I craved touch and become addicted in a sense to it because I must have a sense of self worth. If I don't feel of worth without being touched, I'm going to be constantly pursuing touch. On the other hand, if my worth is independent of that, then I can simply enjoy receiving touch, without it determining if I'm of worth or not.
It may be a bit jumbled, but those are some insights I've gotten into myself and life. I hope you enjoy!
Showing posts with label Life Lessons. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life Lessons. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
The Worth of Tools
This is not an easy post for me to write. What I'm going to write about myself has me feeling very exposed and vulnerable, even before I write it. I plan on sharing something that is very personal; something that perhaps hits right at the core of the beliefs that I have about myself, other people, and Heavenly Father.
I was having a conversation with a friend a few weeks ago and he referred to himself as being a 'tool'. My first impulse was to deny the fact that he was a 'tool', and then I realized that I really didn't know what the word meant. I decided to do an internet search that gave me some enlightenment. Based on Urban Dictionary, a 'tool' is a person who can't think or make decisions for themselves, a person who is used by other people (knowingly or not), a person who relies on the judgement and approval of others, a person that is wanted solely for what they can do (rather than being liked), etc. After another discussion with another friend, the idea really solidified in my head.
I came to two very scary realizations: I have a tendency to use other people, and the tendency to let other people use me. Even with those realizations, I had no idea why I engaged in that kind of thinking or behavior (most of the 'using' was in my head and didn't go much further).
Yesterday, I had another insight that hit my like stray asteroid: my sense of self worth is tied to what I can do. I can remember countless times being among groups of people and feeling useless because we weren't 'doing' anything. I was simply sitting there, possibly talking. In other situations, I've felt like I've showed up, done some kind of work/chore, and then felt like I should leave because my value in the situation was gone because I didn't have anything further to do. On the flip side, I've felt guilty in some friendships because the other person seems to be 'doing' so much and contributing so much, and I don't feel like I'm giving anything back. Sometimes I feel like I interact with people simply for what they can do to me. It honestly makes me feel sick inside.
What is the worth of a tool? A tool is useful so long as it can do something useful. If a tool becomes broken, then it is discarded and another is procured to take its place. There isn't any use to keeping around a broken tool, unless it can be fixed.
This post seems to be in stark contrast with another recent post of mine where I spoke about the worth of a soul (Paradoxes). It's honestly makes me feel saddened, angry, and sick that I've been thinking like this. I've been thinking like this for years so it will be something for me to keep an eye on.
I remember hearing a statement like the following: "We are commanded to love people and use objects. Problems occur when that gets reversed and we love objects and use people". I honestly feel like I am very guilty of doing the latter over the former. I wonder, how different would life be if I had a more accurate view of my worth? What if I thought my worth could never change? I would probably take more risks. I would stand up for myself and say 'no' to people that would want to use me. I would also be more loving and giving to other people. I would see other people as people. I would see that other people have the same great worth that I do.
Right now, I would like to adopt some better views and thoughts about myself, and I know they will spread to other people given enough time. I want to give myself some more positive 'self-talk':
- I am of great worth
- I am worthy of love and connection
- My worth is constant and unchangeable
I honestly feel that those things are true. It's when I forget their truth that my tendency to 'use and be used' starts to come across.
Thank you for reading.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Paradoxes - More Random Things Bouncing In My Head 6Mar2012
I've had a number of things on my mind. Some of them are paradoxes. Some may be called paradoxes. A lot of them relate to humankind, my brothers and sisters. I figured I would share a few of them here.
The Everything/Nothing paradox
In Elder's Quorum this week, the topic of the discusson was Elder Uchtdorf's talk from last general conference entitled 'You Matter To Him' (click on the name to read it, I highly recommend it!).
In the talk Elder Uchtdorf states that man is nothing, and that man is everything. It's something that I've pondered and thought about.
Man is nothing
Compared to God, man is nothing. If I think about it, my comprehension of things is nothing compared to God's. My physical strength can only move very small objects, at least in comparison to the rest of the environment around me. I can't create planets, set up solar systems, and plan galaxies. I'm one person in a sea of over seven billion people (and growing). Even our planet is a small object in a larger solar system. Our star is one light in a sea of countless other lights. Simply put, I'm a small speck when it comes to the whole universe.
Man is everything
On another hand, all of God's effort is directly for the well being of man. The creation of the universe, the dance of the planets, photosynthesis, the earth and everything on it. God's entire focus is on us. D&C 18:10 states: "Remember, the worth of souls is great in the sight of God". I find that intensely amazing. I'm am nothing, yet my worth is great in God's eyes.
Elder Uchtdorf goes on to speak about the dangers of pride and how Satan strives to mislead us by appealing to the extremes of the paradox. Sometimes, he tempts us ignore the fact that we are nothing. We become swollen and prideful. Sometimes, he tempts us to ignore the fact that we are everything. We begin to feel powerless and insignificant. We feel forgotten by our Heavenly Father. We feel like He doesn't care. I can see that my path relies on embracing both sides of the paradox. Feeling the humility that comes from being nothing, yet feeling the love and the power that comes from being everything. It can be a tricky scale to balance.
The Worth of Souls
Going back again to the scripture I shared earlier. "The worth of souls is great in the sight of God". When I think of it now, it makes me think of another scripture. D&C 88:15 states "The spirit and the body are the soul of man". I am a being made up of two parts: a body and a spirit. Together, they are a soul, and they are of great worth in the sight of God. It's led me to a number of thoughts.
I've disparaged and hated my body for many years. I've believed that my body was something bad and foul, something to be demonized and hated. I realize now that my body is a gift of God. It is something that I need to treat with respect. I need to take care of it and meet it's needs. It is a valuable part of me. I also have a spirit, which is also equally valuable. I need to take care of it's needs as well. Often times, it's a tricky balance between satisfying both of their needs, as well as learning what is a 'want' rather than a 'need'. Neglecting either my body or my soul leads me down paths that are not healthy.
I have a degree in computer science and I sometimes use computer concepts to try to understand things better. Most modern computer programs have an interface. The interface lets us, as humans, interact with the computer. The interface lets us send messages to the computer and receive information back. I've lately thought that I have three interfaces. One: my body. My body lets me interface with the mortal world and interact with the objects there. Two: my spirit, which allows me to interact with the diving. Three: an interface between my body and my spirit. The two are able to communicate and interact with each other. It's often a very subtle interaction. What influences one of them tends to influence the other. If I'm not getting enough rest, it's difficult for me to feel inspiration. When I read my scriptures, my body tends to feel calmer.
Other random thoughts
I had a very interesting and insightful discussion with a friend of mine last night. We talked a lot about love, sin, Utah culture, etc. I had recently had a very positive and uplifting experience that helped me feel very loved. I realized that I was trying to mentally discredit and sabotage the experience I had. As I called my friend up, he was able to hand me some thoughts that I found were very helpful. I started to tell myself 'I deserve to feel loved. I am loved. I need to be loved.' I realized that the love that I seek is very much like the love of my Heavenly Father. A love that sees my potential, my worth, where I am, and doesn't seek to try to abuse or use me. I realize many times in my life I've just wanted to scream out 'I just want to be loved!' I think a good many of the world's problems could be solved if people actually would feel a Christlike love for each other.
As our discussion continued, I realized that I need to feel God's love for me. If I'm not feeling it, I'm more vulnerable to being tempted to do something to try to fill that void in my life. Sin tends to cover up my real needs. It pretends to fill the void. Yet, it can't fill my need for love the same way that God's love can.
As our discussion continued, my friend expressed that he felt that Utah LDS culture could be very judgmental. I honestly have felt the same way at times. The worst culprit in that has been me. I've been very judgmental and unloving toward myself for years. I feel like I've looked at God and the gospel, and only seen one half of it. I've only been seeing the justice side. The side that speaks of punishment and guilt. Many times I find myself ignoring the other half of the gospel, the mercy side. The side that speaks of love, forgiveness, and redemption. I believe that Heavenly Father is a perfect balance of justice and mercy. How He makes it work is beyond my comprehension most of the time. When I realize also that Heavenly Father acts out of love, some of His acts that seem to lay on the justice side of things, also speak of the mercy that He has. It's a very interesting point of view.
Personal Note
To give a personal update, I have been feeling better. By feeling better, I mean I'm actually feeling emotions again. I've felt fear, anger, joy, sadness, excitement, nervousness, and all sorts of other emotions. I'm grateful that they have returned. I honestly think it is healthier for me to feel, acknowledge, and honor these feelings. I still don't have many things figured out. I still have a lot of questions. I still feel there is hurt to work through. I just feel like I'm moving forward once more.
The Everything/Nothing paradox
In Elder's Quorum this week, the topic of the discusson was Elder Uchtdorf's talk from last general conference entitled 'You Matter To Him' (click on the name to read it, I highly recommend it!).
In the talk Elder Uchtdorf states that man is nothing, and that man is everything. It's something that I've pondered and thought about.
Man is nothing
Compared to God, man is nothing. If I think about it, my comprehension of things is nothing compared to God's. My physical strength can only move very small objects, at least in comparison to the rest of the environment around me. I can't create planets, set up solar systems, and plan galaxies. I'm one person in a sea of over seven billion people (and growing). Even our planet is a small object in a larger solar system. Our star is one light in a sea of countless other lights. Simply put, I'm a small speck when it comes to the whole universe.
Man is everything
On another hand, all of God's effort is directly for the well being of man. The creation of the universe, the dance of the planets, photosynthesis, the earth and everything on it. God's entire focus is on us. D&C 18:10 states: "Remember, the worth of souls is great in the sight of God". I find that intensely amazing. I'm am nothing, yet my worth is great in God's eyes.
Elder Uchtdorf goes on to speak about the dangers of pride and how Satan strives to mislead us by appealing to the extremes of the paradox. Sometimes, he tempts us ignore the fact that we are nothing. We become swollen and prideful. Sometimes, he tempts us to ignore the fact that we are everything. We begin to feel powerless and insignificant. We feel forgotten by our Heavenly Father. We feel like He doesn't care. I can see that my path relies on embracing both sides of the paradox. Feeling the humility that comes from being nothing, yet feeling the love and the power that comes from being everything. It can be a tricky scale to balance.
The Worth of Souls
Going back again to the scripture I shared earlier. "The worth of souls is great in the sight of God". When I think of it now, it makes me think of another scripture. D&C 88:15 states "The spirit and the body are the soul of man". I am a being made up of two parts: a body and a spirit. Together, they are a soul, and they are of great worth in the sight of God. It's led me to a number of thoughts.
I've disparaged and hated my body for many years. I've believed that my body was something bad and foul, something to be demonized and hated. I realize now that my body is a gift of God. It is something that I need to treat with respect. I need to take care of it and meet it's needs. It is a valuable part of me. I also have a spirit, which is also equally valuable. I need to take care of it's needs as well. Often times, it's a tricky balance between satisfying both of their needs, as well as learning what is a 'want' rather than a 'need'. Neglecting either my body or my soul leads me down paths that are not healthy.
I have a degree in computer science and I sometimes use computer concepts to try to understand things better. Most modern computer programs have an interface. The interface lets us, as humans, interact with the computer. The interface lets us send messages to the computer and receive information back. I've lately thought that I have three interfaces. One: my body. My body lets me interface with the mortal world and interact with the objects there. Two: my spirit, which allows me to interact with the diving. Three: an interface between my body and my spirit. The two are able to communicate and interact with each other. It's often a very subtle interaction. What influences one of them tends to influence the other. If I'm not getting enough rest, it's difficult for me to feel inspiration. When I read my scriptures, my body tends to feel calmer.
Other random thoughts
I had a very interesting and insightful discussion with a friend of mine last night. We talked a lot about love, sin, Utah culture, etc. I had recently had a very positive and uplifting experience that helped me feel very loved. I realized that I was trying to mentally discredit and sabotage the experience I had. As I called my friend up, he was able to hand me some thoughts that I found were very helpful. I started to tell myself 'I deserve to feel loved. I am loved. I need to be loved.' I realized that the love that I seek is very much like the love of my Heavenly Father. A love that sees my potential, my worth, where I am, and doesn't seek to try to abuse or use me. I realize many times in my life I've just wanted to scream out 'I just want to be loved!' I think a good many of the world's problems could be solved if people actually would feel a Christlike love for each other.
As our discussion continued, I realized that I need to feel God's love for me. If I'm not feeling it, I'm more vulnerable to being tempted to do something to try to fill that void in my life. Sin tends to cover up my real needs. It pretends to fill the void. Yet, it can't fill my need for love the same way that God's love can.
As our discussion continued, my friend expressed that he felt that Utah LDS culture could be very judgmental. I honestly have felt the same way at times. The worst culprit in that has been me. I've been very judgmental and unloving toward myself for years. I feel like I've looked at God and the gospel, and only seen one half of it. I've only been seeing the justice side. The side that speaks of punishment and guilt. Many times I find myself ignoring the other half of the gospel, the mercy side. The side that speaks of love, forgiveness, and redemption. I believe that Heavenly Father is a perfect balance of justice and mercy. How He makes it work is beyond my comprehension most of the time. When I realize also that Heavenly Father acts out of love, some of His acts that seem to lay on the justice side of things, also speak of the mercy that He has. It's a very interesting point of view.
Personal Note
To give a personal update, I have been feeling better. By feeling better, I mean I'm actually feeling emotions again. I've felt fear, anger, joy, sadness, excitement, nervousness, and all sorts of other emotions. I'm grateful that they have returned. I honestly think it is healthier for me to feel, acknowledge, and honor these feelings. I still don't have many things figured out. I still have a lot of questions. I still feel there is hurt to work through. I just feel like I'm moving forward once more.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Music That Speaks To My Resolve - Give A Reason
I've recently finished watching an anime series called Slayers (I watched the original, Try, Next, Revolution, and Revolution-R, basically everything on Hulu). Each of the episodes has an opening and closing song. I thoroughly enjoyed the series. The characters seemed have a life of their own. Each one kept on fighting (sometimes with some encouragement by their friends) despite the odds or the tragedies that happened to them. Overall, it was a powerful story on the triumph that can come when someone keeps fighting.
Today's song comes from the opening of the Slayers NEXT series. The title is 'Give a Reason'. Alas, it's in Japanese, but I'll shared a link to it here:
I'd love to give the lyrics, but alas, they are in Japanese. I'll share part of a translation here:
Things are moving so fast
The moments ticking by.
I'm running through this city
To me, a savanna.
Like it's struggling
Trying to break free
I wanna test all this power.
I know that "The Answer"
Is out there someplace.
The answer that everyone looks for
From the day they're born.
When all looks lost and there's no escape
I turn to my dreams!
I'm not afraid of getting hurt
But I'm not strong, either.
It's just that I can't stand
Just doing nothing anymore.
Here we go, go!
I'll just run on
And let nobody stop me know.
I wanna find the me in the future
And give her a reason for life!
(Translation was taken from the close captioning for the series on www.hulu.com).
I love this song. It has a lot of energy and is very enthusiastic. It reminds me of a recent realization about myself that I've had: that I'm resilient and much more durable than I used to think I was. I've been through a lot, and I've yet to lay down and completely stop fighting and struggling. Even when I fall apart, I somehow find the strength to keep going through.
I had a really discussion with a friend about the fact that I've come out publicly on this blog. I realize that it was really risky situation. When I made the decision, I realized that I was tired of hiding behind masks, and that I was tired of doing nothing. I wasn't so much afraid of being hurt further, as I was of continuing to live in pain and shame. I decided that I was going to stand up and fight, even if it meant possibly drawing more challenges and grief into my life. As the song lyrics state, I just couldn't stand by and do nothing anymore. On a related note, I gave my friend a piece of advice. He's been struggling and I said that he could take some advice by how video game characters react to struggles. They take time to feel their emotions, work through things, talk about them, and then they keep on fighting. They always keep struggling.
On a related note, sometimes the struggle I have is to let go and let Heavenly Father step in to help with my life. Sometimes the struggle is to stand up for myself, even if it's something I haven't done in the past. Sometimes the struggle is to step into situations that are risky and unfamiliar. Sometimes it means battling my own thoughts to have thoughts that are elevated and uplifting.
On a personal note, things have been difficult lately. The procedure that I was worried about was far more pleasant than I imagined. I'm a bit sore from that. Outside of that, I've been fighting off the tail end of a cold. It also feels like I've been challenged in spiritual ways as well. But like I said before, I'm going to keep on fighting.
On a Slayers related note, my favorite character from the series is Xellos. This could be major spoilers. Technically, he should be a villain but often helps the heroes for his own reasons. He is very powerful, but likes to act via manipulation. He is very knowledgeable but he doesn't always share everything he knows with the heroes. One of his iconic lines is 'That's a secret'. In the later series, the characters start to say it for him. Hilarious!
Today's song comes from the opening of the Slayers NEXT series. The title is 'Give a Reason'. Alas, it's in Japanese, but I'll shared a link to it here:
I'd love to give the lyrics, but alas, they are in Japanese. I'll share part of a translation here:
Things are moving so fast
The moments ticking by.
I'm running through this city
To me, a savanna.
Like it's struggling
Trying to break free
I wanna test all this power.
I know that "The Answer"
Is out there someplace.
The answer that everyone looks for
From the day they're born.
When all looks lost and there's no escape
I turn to my dreams!
I'm not afraid of getting hurt
But I'm not strong, either.
It's just that I can't stand
Just doing nothing anymore.
Here we go, go!
I'll just run on
And let nobody stop me know.
I wanna find the me in the future
And give her a reason for life!
(Translation was taken from the close captioning for the series on www.hulu.com).
I love this song. It has a lot of energy and is very enthusiastic. It reminds me of a recent realization about myself that I've had: that I'm resilient and much more durable than I used to think I was. I've been through a lot, and I've yet to lay down and completely stop fighting and struggling. Even when I fall apart, I somehow find the strength to keep going through.
I had a really discussion with a friend about the fact that I've come out publicly on this blog. I realize that it was really risky situation. When I made the decision, I realized that I was tired of hiding behind masks, and that I was tired of doing nothing. I wasn't so much afraid of being hurt further, as I was of continuing to live in pain and shame. I decided that I was going to stand up and fight, even if it meant possibly drawing more challenges and grief into my life. As the song lyrics state, I just couldn't stand by and do nothing anymore. On a related note, I gave my friend a piece of advice. He's been struggling and I said that he could take some advice by how video game characters react to struggles. They take time to feel their emotions, work through things, talk about them, and then they keep on fighting. They always keep struggling.
On a related note, sometimes the struggle I have is to let go and let Heavenly Father step in to help with my life. Sometimes the struggle is to stand up for myself, even if it's something I haven't done in the past. Sometimes the struggle is to step into situations that are risky and unfamiliar. Sometimes it means battling my own thoughts to have thoughts that are elevated and uplifting.
On a personal note, things have been difficult lately. The procedure that I was worried about was far more pleasant than I imagined. I'm a bit sore from that. Outside of that, I've been fighting off the tail end of a cold. It also feels like I've been challenged in spiritual ways as well. But like I said before, I'm going to keep on fighting.
On a Slayers related note, my favorite character from the series is Xellos. This could be major spoilers. Technically, he should be a villain but often helps the heroes for his own reasons. He is very powerful, but likes to act via manipulation. He is very knowledgeable but he doesn't always share everything he knows with the heroes. One of his iconic lines is 'That's a secret'. In the later series, the characters start to say it for him. Hilarious!
Monday, February 13, 2012
The Woman In Black - Forgiveness
I just barely got back from watching "The Woman In Black". I really don't plan on reviewing movies in this blog post, but I want to share some brief plot points. I'll be hiding the next paragraph in a nice 'anti-spoiler' tag. If you don't mind being spoiled, or have seen the movie, you can highlight the text by using your mouse. Hitting Ctrl-A also works. If this is a foreign language, see your nearest computer geek for assistance.
The main plot point for "The Woman In Black" is about a woman, Jannette. Jannette is deemed to be mentally unstable, and her son is taken away from her by her sister. Sometime later, the son is travelling with his adopted parents and dies in a tragic accident: their carriage sinks in the mud. Jannette angrily declares that she will never forgive her sister, and that her sister never tried to save her son. Jannette hangs herself, and comes back as a ghost in black. Whenever someone visits her house, she kills a child in the local village. The main character thinks he resolves the issue by finding and returning Janette's son's body to Janette's grave, but ghost has already sworn that she will 'never forgive'.
I found it interesting that forgiveness, or the inability to forgive, played a large part in the movie. As I drove home, I started to think about two people that I judge I have hurt pretty deeply. No matter how much time has passed, I always feel like I want to tell them 'I'm sorry'. I'm sorry that things didn't turn out. I'm sorry I wasn't in the right place to make our relationship work out. One of these people is a girl that I dated in college. The other is a man that I called my best friend for awhile. With the girl, I kept dating her, expecting some kind of spark to happen in me, and for me to become attracted to her. I'd rather not go into the other story, far too personal and painful.
Anyways, as I drove home, I felt a great deal of pain. I realized that I was still struggling to forgive myself for it. On another note, I also realized I still have a lot of anger due to the incidents directed toward the other people. That probably extends from the pain of not being able to forgive myself. Honestly, I feel like a man divided. Instead of there being two equal pieces, I end up with two shadows. The scene in my head almost plays out like a scene from a play.
One part of me lie curled in a ball, trying to numb everything out. He rocks and tries to comfort himself. He says 'I'm sorry' over and over. He also says 'I can never forgive myself for what I've done'. In reality, he is the innocent one. Standing over him is Tumm. Tumm is dressed in black, as usual, with blood on his hands. He is the real one at fault in the situation. Tumm's duty is to draw boundaries, enforce them, and to understand what is going on with the other part of me, which is lying huddled on the ground. Tumm is pointing his finger, angrily, at me and at the people around me. He says 'It's all your fault!'. He points at me and says 'I can never forgive you. You're worthless. It's all your fault.'
As silly as it sounds, writing it out like that helps me to gain insight into what is going on, and how I can figure out how to heal myself. Tumm needs to accept the fact that he was also responsible for my actions. The other part needs to know that he didn't know what was going on, and that he was under a delusion of sorts. It's like I need to realize I'm both guilty and innocent at the same time. And ultimately, I need to forgive myself to find a sense of closure.
As an interesting irony, tomorrow is Valentine's day. On Valentine's day, four years ago, that girl sent me a note and asked me to a movie. That was the beginning of our dating relationship.
On a lighter note, I'm glad I was able to walk out of a horror movie with most of my sanity intact. The last horror movie I walked out of, I was terrified of the dark all the way home and for a few days afterward. The only side effects this movie had were: 1) my eyes constantly looking for the woman in black, either in windows, cars, down hallways, etc 2) me being terrified about the children I live with.
Oh, on another note, I don't recommend watching "The Woman In Black" if you have small children, especially if you're already pretty sensitive to horror movies. That being said, I will close up this blog post and get some sleep.
The main plot point for "The Woman In Black" is about a woman, Jannette. Jannette is deemed to be mentally unstable, and her son is taken away from her by her sister. Sometime later, the son is travelling with his adopted parents and dies in a tragic accident: their carriage sinks in the mud. Jannette angrily declares that she will never forgive her sister, and that her sister never tried to save her son. Jannette hangs herself, and comes back as a ghost in black. Whenever someone visits her house, she kills a child in the local village. The main character thinks he resolves the issue by finding and returning Janette's son's body to Janette's grave, but ghost has already sworn that she will 'never forgive'.
I found it interesting that forgiveness, or the inability to forgive, played a large part in the movie. As I drove home, I started to think about two people that I judge I have hurt pretty deeply. No matter how much time has passed, I always feel like I want to tell them 'I'm sorry'. I'm sorry that things didn't turn out. I'm sorry I wasn't in the right place to make our relationship work out. One of these people is a girl that I dated in college. The other is a man that I called my best friend for awhile. With the girl, I kept dating her, expecting some kind of spark to happen in me, and for me to become attracted to her. I'd rather not go into the other story, far too personal and painful.
Anyways, as I drove home, I felt a great deal of pain. I realized that I was still struggling to forgive myself for it. On another note, I also realized I still have a lot of anger due to the incidents directed toward the other people. That probably extends from the pain of not being able to forgive myself. Honestly, I feel like a man divided. Instead of there being two equal pieces, I end up with two shadows. The scene in my head almost plays out like a scene from a play.
One part of me lie curled in a ball, trying to numb everything out. He rocks and tries to comfort himself. He says 'I'm sorry' over and over. He also says 'I can never forgive myself for what I've done'. In reality, he is the innocent one. Standing over him is Tumm. Tumm is dressed in black, as usual, with blood on his hands. He is the real one at fault in the situation. Tumm's duty is to draw boundaries, enforce them, and to understand what is going on with the other part of me, which is lying huddled on the ground. Tumm is pointing his finger, angrily, at me and at the people around me. He says 'It's all your fault!'. He points at me and says 'I can never forgive you. You're worthless. It's all your fault.'
As silly as it sounds, writing it out like that helps me to gain insight into what is going on, and how I can figure out how to heal myself. Tumm needs to accept the fact that he was also responsible for my actions. The other part needs to know that he didn't know what was going on, and that he was under a delusion of sorts. It's like I need to realize I'm both guilty and innocent at the same time. And ultimately, I need to forgive myself to find a sense of closure.
As an interesting irony, tomorrow is Valentine's day. On Valentine's day, four years ago, that girl sent me a note and asked me to a movie. That was the beginning of our dating relationship.
On a lighter note, I'm glad I was able to walk out of a horror movie with most of my sanity intact. The last horror movie I walked out of, I was terrified of the dark all the way home and for a few days afterward. The only side effects this movie had were: 1) my eyes constantly looking for the woman in black, either in windows, cars, down hallways, etc 2) me being terrified about the children I live with.
Oh, on another note, I don't recommend watching "The Woman In Black" if you have small children, especially if you're already pretty sensitive to horror movies. That being said, I will close up this blog post and get some sleep.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Feeling Off 5Feb2012
Yesterday, I received an interesting e-mail from Innergold Weekly Boost. At the begging of the e-mail was this quote:
"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way. Something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life." -Fr. Alfred D'Souza
I read the e-mail before church and I was thinking about it as I sat in Sacrament meeting. For the last few mornings, I've been waking up feeling tired and with a nasty headache. This morning seems to be a repeat of the same trend. Perhaps part of my exhaustion is related to some odd dreams that I've had lately. Both of these occurred on Saturday night.
In one dream, I friend of mine that I know for a few years was saying critical things of me, over and over and over. I got tired of it, so I slammed a door shut on him. That same friend had posted something I thought was really annoying that previous Friday. I hid the post and then lowered my subscription level on that friend so that I wouldn't see as many of his updates. Another friend posted something about him hanging out with his 'BFF'. I hid that post because it was simply to triggering for me.
In another dream from Saturday night, a girl had caught a hold of my finger, and would not let get despite my protests. Yesterday in Sacrament meeting, the little girl that I live with always caught a hold of my finger and was using it to point at the words as she read. It was funny for awhile, but after a moment, I was done with it and tried to pull my finger away. It took some effort and brief protest on my part. A similar pattern was repeated in Sacrament and then after church with her as well.
I honestly feel a bit disturbed when my dreams seem to have basis in real life. I do hope some other parts of dreams I've had lately are not going to come true, although most of them seem to be based in things that have been on my mind. Body shame and desire to see what other men look like has been on my mind a lot. Probably explains why shirtless men have been showing up repeatedly in my dreams.
What I don't understand is the repeated feeling of headache, tiredness, and upset stomach. They all seem to be signs of stress. I have been thinking a lot lately. Work has been stressful in very odd ways. Some of it is a different work environment. I used to work on an LDS Church site and that is very different from the current place that I work. I also don't feel like I have very many friends at the current work site, or at least people I feel comfortable talking to besides my account manager, who is a very busy man. The co-worker that sits next to me bothers me in a few different ways. I find many of the other men I work with attractive but also distant.
There's also the stress about trying to figure out how to get my needs met healthily, live a life in the gospel, and still manage my feelings of attraction. I've been feeling quite a bit of frustration in that department. In the past when I've gotten healthy touch from guys, my feelings of attraction have literally vanished. Even though I received quite a bit this last weekend, the feelings are still present, and still bothering me. I also worry that this drive to receive healthy touch is leading me on the road to acting out. I find myself thinking that the touch I got wasn't 'enough'. I worry that will lead me closer and closer to doing something that I will regret later.
Back to the thought that started this post. I sat in sacrament meeting, with my headache and upset stomach, and realized that pain is one of those obstacles I've been allowing to impede me from feeling like I was living life and being happy. That's when a quote from Princess Bride entered into my head "Life is pain, princess". That simple reminder reminds me that life is mean to be a trial. I can't count the number of times I prayed for pain, both emotional and physical, to be taken away, and that prayer has not been answered. I've found myself praying for the strength to bear the pain, rather than for it to go away. After that, church was very good. I felt a sense of belonging there that I haven't felt before. It started to feel like some of the members cared for me.
Even with the realization, I feel off today. Yesterday, I found it hard to remember something as simple as my address. I felt slower than normal. Today, the same headache and upset stomach has been joined by gum pain. Sometimes I honestly worry that my body is falling apart, and I don't know quite what to do about that. I figure it may just be a phase, me getting sick, or simply part of the trail of life. It could also be some lingering shock from having my car towed.
I realize this post today was pretty random. When I don't feel well, I struggle to organize things coherently. A lot of it was things that have been on my mind and worrying me lately.
In one dream, I friend of mine that I know for a few years was saying critical things of me, over and over and over. I got tired of it, so I slammed a door shut on him. That same friend had posted something I thought was really annoying that previous Friday. I hid the post and then lowered my subscription level on that friend so that I wouldn't see as many of his updates. Another friend posted something about him hanging out with his 'BFF'. I hid that post because it was simply to triggering for me.
In another dream from Saturday night, a girl had caught a hold of my finger, and would not let get despite my protests. Yesterday in Sacrament meeting, the little girl that I live with always caught a hold of my finger and was using it to point at the words as she read. It was funny for awhile, but after a moment, I was done with it and tried to pull my finger away. It took some effort and brief protest on my part. A similar pattern was repeated in Sacrament and then after church with her as well.
I honestly feel a bit disturbed when my dreams seem to have basis in real life. I do hope some other parts of dreams I've had lately are not going to come true, although most of them seem to be based in things that have been on my mind. Body shame and desire to see what other men look like has been on my mind a lot. Probably explains why shirtless men have been showing up repeatedly in my dreams.
What I don't understand is the repeated feeling of headache, tiredness, and upset stomach. They all seem to be signs of stress. I have been thinking a lot lately. Work has been stressful in very odd ways. Some of it is a different work environment. I used to work on an LDS Church site and that is very different from the current place that I work. I also don't feel like I have very many friends at the current work site, or at least people I feel comfortable talking to besides my account manager, who is a very busy man. The co-worker that sits next to me bothers me in a few different ways. I find many of the other men I work with attractive but also distant.
There's also the stress about trying to figure out how to get my needs met healthily, live a life in the gospel, and still manage my feelings of attraction. I've been feeling quite a bit of frustration in that department. In the past when I've gotten healthy touch from guys, my feelings of attraction have literally vanished. Even though I received quite a bit this last weekend, the feelings are still present, and still bothering me. I also worry that this drive to receive healthy touch is leading me on the road to acting out. I find myself thinking that the touch I got wasn't 'enough'. I worry that will lead me closer and closer to doing something that I will regret later.
Back to the thought that started this post. I sat in sacrament meeting, with my headache and upset stomach, and realized that pain is one of those obstacles I've been allowing to impede me from feeling like I was living life and being happy. That's when a quote from Princess Bride entered into my head "Life is pain, princess". That simple reminder reminds me that life is mean to be a trial. I can't count the number of times I prayed for pain, both emotional and physical, to be taken away, and that prayer has not been answered. I've found myself praying for the strength to bear the pain, rather than for it to go away. After that, church was very good. I felt a sense of belonging there that I haven't felt before. It started to feel like some of the members cared for me.
Even with the realization, I feel off today. Yesterday, I found it hard to remember something as simple as my address. I felt slower than normal. Today, the same headache and upset stomach has been joined by gum pain. Sometimes I honestly worry that my body is falling apart, and I don't know quite what to do about that. I figure it may just be a phase, me getting sick, or simply part of the trail of life. It could also be some lingering shock from having my car towed.
I realize this post today was pretty random. When I don't feel well, I struggle to organize things coherently. A lot of it was things that have been on my mind and worrying me lately.
Friday, February 3, 2012
My (Mis)Adventures - 3Feb2012
I honestly can't think of a better word for what happened tonight.
Honestly, it started out pretty calm. I went to Jamba Juice after work. Tried out a banana berry flavor smoothing and came home. No one was home and it smelled faintly like poopy diapers (probably my imagination). I turned on the computer and started watching the last two episodes of Slayers Try. I was planning on meeting up with a friend after he got out of work.
5 minutes from the end of the last episode, the friend calls me up and I'm soon speeding my way to the place where we were going to meet. I ran into some heavy traffic, and finally arrived at the place I thought was the right one: Ichiban Sushi. I go inside and I don't see my friend anywhere in the place. That's when I call him up and realize the location is on the other side of State St. So, I quickly pop a U-turn and I find the place. I can't see any parking nearby so I pull into an open spot in the parking lot next to the sushi place we were meeting: Red Ginger. I walk in, find my friend. Order, enjoy the meal and the conversation (actually it was pretty one sided because I felt kind of shy about talking about myself). I walk out with the intention of going to his place to chat with him.
I walked to where my car was and had to do a double take. My car had...transformed? No, it was missing. There was another Prius nearby. Did they move my car? No, it wasn't my beloved Synthia. That's when I realized my car may have been stolen. I called up my friend (who thankfully hadn't left). And I searched the parking lot and found the small towing sign that said something to the effect of 33rd Plaza, towing by so and so towing company. The sign was no bigger than my license plate. Now, I've been to that plaza many times and I've NEVER seen that towing sign before. NEVER. Anyways, I call up the tow company, in a panic, and figure out where they are and how much I'll have to pay. $246.50. Borderline basketcase, I get in my friends car, talking a mile a minute. At this point, a man approaches the car asking us for some money and my friend obliged. We drove to a nearby ATM, went backwards through the lane (so that I could reach it), and I managed to extract the money without losing my debit card (it's happened before!).
Then we went to my friends place and had a very pleasant and interesting chat. Finally, it was time so I went back to the tow place. It was a bit of an adventure to find because the building they had wasn't right at the streets edge. We had to drive through the parking lot of a different tow company in order to find the one that had my beloved Synthia. I got inside, and there were about 3 people waiting for cars in front of me. Seriously, the one people kept asking questions and I about had an aneurism. At this point I realized again how grateful I was that I had paid Synthia off last December. Finally, I paid the money, signed all the forms, and got back to my car.
I can't quite explain the feeling of relief at sitting in the driver's seat. And the comforting, familiar feel of the seat against my back, and the feel of the shifter. I was pleased. I wanted to inspect my car for any possible damages, so I pulled out onto the street, called up my friend to tell him, and got out of my car to check it out. Everything looked good, and the tail light that randomly shorts out was even on (I've been pulled over for that 3 times in the last year). I walked up to my friend, and gave him a pat on the shoulder and thank him for his help. He put his car in gear, and it made me nervous because he didn't seem to quite know which gear he was in (he was in a rental). At this point, I jokingly ran off to go hide in my car.
My friend drives off. I reach over to tweet one last time how happy I am to have my car back, when the police lights started to shine in my rear view window. I was seriously reaching to shift into drive when it happened! The officer asked me what I was doing. I said I was just about to head out, and that I had just retrieved my car from the tow company. The officer said he saw me hand my friend something and then run away. I told him I had just patted him on the shoulder. After showing him my license and my tow company paperwork, the officer thanked me for my cooperation and then let me go. At that point, I decided the best thing to do was leave the scene as quickly as possibly. I got home without event and managed to fuel up my car. As I pulled out of the gas station, I had to pull in behind a Sheriff. At this point, I was begging the Sheriff to ignore me and pull someone else over.
I feel so many feelings over the course of the night. I felt rage, anger, sadness, shock, fear, numbness, and tired. I also felt contentment and safety with my friend.
I am grateful to have passed through the school of hard knocks relatively unscathed. I will not be visiting that little plaza at 33rd and State for a long time. I'm grateful that I had a great friend that stuck with me and helped me not go crazy. I'm also grateful that I paid my car off. In short, I'm grateful that Heavenly Father placed that friend in my life at that time.
In short, I had an adventurous night. One that I hope is never topped in a looooong time.
Honestly, it started out pretty calm. I went to Jamba Juice after work. Tried out a banana berry flavor smoothing and came home. No one was home and it smelled faintly like poopy diapers (probably my imagination). I turned on the computer and started watching the last two episodes of Slayers Try. I was planning on meeting up with a friend after he got out of work.
5 minutes from the end of the last episode, the friend calls me up and I'm soon speeding my way to the place where we were going to meet. I ran into some heavy traffic, and finally arrived at the place I thought was the right one: Ichiban Sushi. I go inside and I don't see my friend anywhere in the place. That's when I call him up and realize the location is on the other side of State St. So, I quickly pop a U-turn and I find the place. I can't see any parking nearby so I pull into an open spot in the parking lot next to the sushi place we were meeting: Red Ginger. I walk in, find my friend. Order, enjoy the meal and the conversation (actually it was pretty one sided because I felt kind of shy about talking about myself). I walk out with the intention of going to his place to chat with him.
I walked to where my car was and had to do a double take. My car had...transformed? No, it was missing. There was another Prius nearby. Did they move my car? No, it wasn't my beloved Synthia. That's when I realized my car may have been stolen. I called up my friend (who thankfully hadn't left). And I searched the parking lot and found the small towing sign that said something to the effect of 33rd Plaza, towing by so and so towing company. The sign was no bigger than my license plate. Now, I've been to that plaza many times and I've NEVER seen that towing sign before. NEVER. Anyways, I call up the tow company, in a panic, and figure out where they are and how much I'll have to pay. $246.50. Borderline basketcase, I get in my friends car, talking a mile a minute. At this point, a man approaches the car asking us for some money and my friend obliged. We drove to a nearby ATM, went backwards through the lane (so that I could reach it), and I managed to extract the money without losing my debit card (it's happened before!).
Then we went to my friends place and had a very pleasant and interesting chat. Finally, it was time so I went back to the tow place. It was a bit of an adventure to find because the building they had wasn't right at the streets edge. We had to drive through the parking lot of a different tow company in order to find the one that had my beloved Synthia. I got inside, and there were about 3 people waiting for cars in front of me. Seriously, the one people kept asking questions and I about had an aneurism. At this point I realized again how grateful I was that I had paid Synthia off last December. Finally, I paid the money, signed all the forms, and got back to my car.
I can't quite explain the feeling of relief at sitting in the driver's seat. And the comforting, familiar feel of the seat against my back, and the feel of the shifter. I was pleased. I wanted to inspect my car for any possible damages, so I pulled out onto the street, called up my friend to tell him, and got out of my car to check it out. Everything looked good, and the tail light that randomly shorts out was even on (I've been pulled over for that 3 times in the last year). I walked up to my friend, and gave him a pat on the shoulder and thank him for his help. He put his car in gear, and it made me nervous because he didn't seem to quite know which gear he was in (he was in a rental). At this point, I jokingly ran off to go hide in my car.
My friend drives off. I reach over to tweet one last time how happy I am to have my car back, when the police lights started to shine in my rear view window. I was seriously reaching to shift into drive when it happened! The officer asked me what I was doing. I said I was just about to head out, and that I had just retrieved my car from the tow company. The officer said he saw me hand my friend something and then run away. I told him I had just patted him on the shoulder. After showing him my license and my tow company paperwork, the officer thanked me for my cooperation and then let me go. At that point, I decided the best thing to do was leave the scene as quickly as possibly. I got home without event and managed to fuel up my car. As I pulled out of the gas station, I had to pull in behind a Sheriff. At this point, I was begging the Sheriff to ignore me and pull someone else over.
I feel so many feelings over the course of the night. I felt rage, anger, sadness, shock, fear, numbness, and tired. I also felt contentment and safety with my friend.
I am grateful to have passed through the school of hard knocks relatively unscathed. I will not be visiting that little plaza at 33rd and State for a long time. I'm grateful that I had a great friend that stuck with me and helped me not go crazy. I'm also grateful that I paid my car off. In short, I'm grateful that Heavenly Father placed that friend in my life at that time.
In short, I had an adventurous night. One that I hope is never topped in a looooong time.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Paths Laden With Fog
I've been coming to learn, or more accurately re-learn, a few things about myself lately. Recently, I've been feeling pretty desperate for connection with other men. Granted, I've been talking and reaching out more than normal. I've even told a number of my friends about me, just in case they weren't following this blog. The desperation still wasn't being alleviated. There's a few simple facts that seem to contribute to this.
First off, my primary love language is touch (If you are unfamiliar with what a 'love language' is, see The 5 Love Languages site, it's also a book). Because of that, my primary way of feeling and expressing love toward other people is through touch, and this very much focused around men, with very few exceptions for women, most of whom are in my family. Most of the time, the expression has very little to do with lust or sexual desire. Sometimes it's a simple expression that I like the person or value them as a friend. Nothing more and nothing less.
This gets obviously frustrated by some aspects of American culture. In my perception, we're not a very touchy-feely sort of people, at least out in public. The same seems to be true when I visit church. In my home ward (by home I mean parent's ward), the people are very good at shaking hands. The last singles ward I was in, and this current ward don't seem to be very good at that, and I'm far too shy to even initiate that kind of contact.
Anyways, I was starting to feel desperate for some kind of physical contact with a man. I can look back now and see how crazy I was, because I have a whole group of friends that are willing to give appropriate, safe, and bonding touch with me. I told myself all sorts of lies to keep myself from asking them. It led me to seeking the safe, appropriate sort of touch in a very dangerous environment.
As an interesting aside, I notice a pattern that emerges when I feel like my touch need isn't getting met. I start to get the crazy notion that people will start spontaneously offering the kind of touch that I need or want. I start to drop into a childlike state, where I expect the people around me to know what my needs are. I basically tend to regress. When my need isn't met (which happens very often because I'm not asking for help to get them met), I start to slip into a state of defensive detachment. I get angry, and I feel lonely. In an attempt to escape the pain of not having the need met, I seek out 'numbing agents' of sorts. I turn to video games generally. The sort of lull and trance they put me in provides a false sense of peace and comfort, yet always lead me to a sense of emptiness and loneliness. When that isn't enough, I turn to stronger 'numbing agents': masturbation and pornography. Like video games, they leave with a more profound feeling of emptiness and numbness. In this state of numbness, I'm even less likely to ask for what I need. It's a vicious downward spiral.
At my support group this week, I managed to touch both the pain and the feeling of emptiness and detachment. It's amazing how familiar both of them feel. I'm often not even conscious of it. The detachment feels warm, familiar, old, and oddly peaceful. Yet it also feels like I'm all alone in a dark room with no one else there. The room is empty and vast.
As I discussed this at my support group, I realized that detachment and numbness is a choice I make. It's a choice that leads me down a road that ends up with me curled up in a ball trying to shut everything else out. It leads me to somewhere dark, lonely, yet safe. As I talked, I also realized there were other paths. There are other choices. There are many different people to ask for help from. All of the roads were covered in fog. I couldn't determine their outcome. The path to numbness, however, was quite clear. I know where it would lead me. I've taken it so many times, that the outcome is sure.
That aside, at support group I also recalled the last time I felt like I wanted some touch, specifically, I wanted to be held. It was when I was having a talk with my dad about this blog post. Forgive me other blog readers, but I'd like to address my dad personally. Feel free to read as well!
Dad, I think you may remember the last time we got together and chatted about a blog post I had made, one about some past shameful lies I'd been believing for years. Wow, this is hard, tears are already in my eyes. I remember as we talked that I one point, I simply wanted you to reach out your arms and cradle me, and comfort me. When I realized that, I almost immediately started to belittle/demean/talk down to myself about it. 'Why would an adult want to be held? I should be independent. I shouldn't need this. I shouldn't want this.' Despite what I said, the desire was still there. The pain was still there. I wanted to connect. I wanted to connect like a child would connect with his father. I wanted to be held by you. Yet, like a child, I found myself powerless to ask for what I wanted. I found myself incapable of expressing the words. Maybe because I was starting to feel, live, and act from a very young state, perhaps before I could even talk. I've always wondered why I've struggled to connect with you. I know I've been defensively detached from both you and Mom. I'm starting to wonder if the problem and solution lie somewhere in the desire to be held by you, dad. I somehow want to go back to where the defensive detachment started, attach, instead of detaching, and start unraveling years of me detaching myself from you. Honestly, I feel afraid to ask for what I want. I honestly don't know how you would take it, or even if you know how to hold me. I don't even know how long it would take, or even if it would take more than one time of it happening. There are many, many years of detachment. Many years of me isolating myself from you. I still think we can bridge the gap and heal this. Honestly, the path is laden with fog. All I know for now is there is a desire for me to be held by you.
Thank you for indulging me readers. I feel nearly overcome inside with the sadness and the pain. When I was a child, I didn't know what I needed. I obviously felt a need to be safe, so I started to withdraw from my parents. I honestly have no idea where it started. All I know is that it worked at the time, and now, it isn't working as an adult. To be withdrawn and detached from the people around me, means I can continue to be safe, but also broken, hurt, lonely, and ultimately, empty. It also means that I defend myself from others attempts to truly love me. It also extends to and disrupts my relationship with God.
The future paths are laden with fog. I could continue to take the one familiar path, that leads me to loneliness. I think it's time to start taking one of the fog laden ones and push through to see what's on the other side of the fog.
Oh, and a personal request. If you know me, in person, I would definitely appreciate more hugs! However that looks for you.
Thank you for reading.
First off, my primary love language is touch (If you are unfamiliar with what a 'love language' is, see The 5 Love Languages site, it's also a book). Because of that, my primary way of feeling and expressing love toward other people is through touch, and this very much focused around men, with very few exceptions for women, most of whom are in my family. Most of the time, the expression has very little to do with lust or sexual desire. Sometimes it's a simple expression that I like the person or value them as a friend. Nothing more and nothing less.
This gets obviously frustrated by some aspects of American culture. In my perception, we're not a very touchy-feely sort of people, at least out in public. The same seems to be true when I visit church. In my home ward (by home I mean parent's ward), the people are very good at shaking hands. The last singles ward I was in, and this current ward don't seem to be very good at that, and I'm far too shy to even initiate that kind of contact.
Anyways, I was starting to feel desperate for some kind of physical contact with a man. I can look back now and see how crazy I was, because I have a whole group of friends that are willing to give appropriate, safe, and bonding touch with me. I told myself all sorts of lies to keep myself from asking them. It led me to seeking the safe, appropriate sort of touch in a very dangerous environment.
As an interesting aside, I notice a pattern that emerges when I feel like my touch need isn't getting met. I start to get the crazy notion that people will start spontaneously offering the kind of touch that I need or want. I start to drop into a childlike state, where I expect the people around me to know what my needs are. I basically tend to regress. When my need isn't met (which happens very often because I'm not asking for help to get them met), I start to slip into a state of defensive detachment. I get angry, and I feel lonely. In an attempt to escape the pain of not having the need met, I seek out 'numbing agents' of sorts. I turn to video games generally. The sort of lull and trance they put me in provides a false sense of peace and comfort, yet always lead me to a sense of emptiness and loneliness. When that isn't enough, I turn to stronger 'numbing agents': masturbation and pornography. Like video games, they leave with a more profound feeling of emptiness and numbness. In this state of numbness, I'm even less likely to ask for what I need. It's a vicious downward spiral.
At my support group this week, I managed to touch both the pain and the feeling of emptiness and detachment. It's amazing how familiar both of them feel. I'm often not even conscious of it. The detachment feels warm, familiar, old, and oddly peaceful. Yet it also feels like I'm all alone in a dark room with no one else there. The room is empty and vast.
As I discussed this at my support group, I realized that detachment and numbness is a choice I make. It's a choice that leads me down a road that ends up with me curled up in a ball trying to shut everything else out. It leads me to somewhere dark, lonely, yet safe. As I talked, I also realized there were other paths. There are other choices. There are many different people to ask for help from. All of the roads were covered in fog. I couldn't determine their outcome. The path to numbness, however, was quite clear. I know where it would lead me. I've taken it so many times, that the outcome is sure.
That aside, at support group I also recalled the last time I felt like I wanted some touch, specifically, I wanted to be held. It was when I was having a talk with my dad about this blog post. Forgive me other blog readers, but I'd like to address my dad personally. Feel free to read as well!
Dad, I think you may remember the last time we got together and chatted about a blog post I had made, one about some past shameful lies I'd been believing for years. Wow, this is hard, tears are already in my eyes. I remember as we talked that I one point, I simply wanted you to reach out your arms and cradle me, and comfort me. When I realized that, I almost immediately started to belittle/demean/talk down to myself about it. 'Why would an adult want to be held? I should be independent. I shouldn't need this. I shouldn't want this.' Despite what I said, the desire was still there. The pain was still there. I wanted to connect. I wanted to connect like a child would connect with his father. I wanted to be held by you. Yet, like a child, I found myself powerless to ask for what I wanted. I found myself incapable of expressing the words. Maybe because I was starting to feel, live, and act from a very young state, perhaps before I could even talk. I've always wondered why I've struggled to connect with you. I know I've been defensively detached from both you and Mom. I'm starting to wonder if the problem and solution lie somewhere in the desire to be held by you, dad. I somehow want to go back to where the defensive detachment started, attach, instead of detaching, and start unraveling years of me detaching myself from you. Honestly, I feel afraid to ask for what I want. I honestly don't know how you would take it, or even if you know how to hold me. I don't even know how long it would take, or even if it would take more than one time of it happening. There are many, many years of detachment. Many years of me isolating myself from you. I still think we can bridge the gap and heal this. Honestly, the path is laden with fog. All I know for now is there is a desire for me to be held by you.
Thank you for indulging me readers. I feel nearly overcome inside with the sadness and the pain. When I was a child, I didn't know what I needed. I obviously felt a need to be safe, so I started to withdraw from my parents. I honestly have no idea where it started. All I know is that it worked at the time, and now, it isn't working as an adult. To be withdrawn and detached from the people around me, means I can continue to be safe, but also broken, hurt, lonely, and ultimately, empty. It also means that I defend myself from others attempts to truly love me. It also extends to and disrupts my relationship with God.
The future paths are laden with fog. I could continue to take the one familiar path, that leads me to loneliness. I think it's time to start taking one of the fog laden ones and push through to see what's on the other side of the fog.
Oh, and a personal request. If you know me, in person, I would definitely appreciate more hugs! However that looks for you.
Thank you for reading.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Victimization, Defensive Detachment, And Tumm Arising
I couldn't think of a better title for this post. I had a number of very powerful insights yesterday during my support group. The day started out pretty bad and ended up being a lot better.
As I went to my support group, I finally got some insight into the fact that I have been victimizing myself quite a bit lately. I pass a lot of time thinking basically 'Poor me!' Instead of doing something about the problems and situations that are in front of me, I let myself languish in agony over past hurts and offenses. I had been feeling lonely, but at the same time I was so focused on the fact that no one was talking to me, that I didn't reach out to talk to others. I was lonely, and doing nothing but dwelling on the fact that I was lonely. I was making myself a victim, a martyr if you will.
During my support group, I realize this, and started to decide that I was tired of making myself the victim. I was tired of taking the passive route in my life. I was going to do something. As I made this resolution, I discovered that my victimization and my defensive detachment are very closely intertwined. When I become the victim, everyone around me turns into someone that has or will hurt me, and then I withdraw myself to keep myself "safe". It's a pattern I've followed for so many years. I've perpetuated the disconnection, the loneliness, and the pain by not connecting to the people around me. In a sense, I was abusing myself and denying myself what I really needed.
It was interesting the surge of power that I have felt today. I felt like I got things done! I had some questions about a internet service providers service and I actually called them up rather than spending time trying to assume what it was like. I took a step to correct a mistake that I had made. When I found myself slipping into the 'poor me!' mindset, I quickly reminded myself that I am not a victim.
Sure, I may be hurt. I may be broken on the inside. I'm battered, bruised, and wounded. That doesn't mean that I can't stand up and fight. I still have my resilience and inner strength. I can still stand my ground, and I still have the power to choose. My gift of agency doesn't depend on anything being perfect in my life. Like I overheard in Primary this last week at church, angency is the power to choose. As I felt my 'inner Tumm' well up, I felt myself tapping into that power. It was incredible. Yesterday night and today are probably the few times in a long time where I've felt Tumm become more 'integrated' into me, instead of him being a totally separate part of me. It's so weird to feel a 'steeling' of sort inside. I don't think I've ever felt so strong.
It's been some incredible progress.
Going forward, I'm going to take a more proactive step to reach out for help. I have many, many wonderful, caring, and loving friends who are willing to listen and help me work through things.
I also realize that this strength comes from my Heavenly Father. He's the one that gave me the gift of agency and gave me the wonderful gift of life. When I use this gift He's given me to follow His path, then His power flows through me to touch everything I touch.
Oh, and don't make Tumm angry. He likes to throw around fire when he gets upset.
P. S. Tumm was first introduced in this post.
As I went to my support group, I finally got some insight into the fact that I have been victimizing myself quite a bit lately. I pass a lot of time thinking basically 'Poor me!' Instead of doing something about the problems and situations that are in front of me, I let myself languish in agony over past hurts and offenses. I had been feeling lonely, but at the same time I was so focused on the fact that no one was talking to me, that I didn't reach out to talk to others. I was lonely, and doing nothing but dwelling on the fact that I was lonely. I was making myself a victim, a martyr if you will.
During my support group, I realize this, and started to decide that I was tired of making myself the victim. I was tired of taking the passive route in my life. I was going to do something. As I made this resolution, I discovered that my victimization and my defensive detachment are very closely intertwined. When I become the victim, everyone around me turns into someone that has or will hurt me, and then I withdraw myself to keep myself "safe". It's a pattern I've followed for so many years. I've perpetuated the disconnection, the loneliness, and the pain by not connecting to the people around me. In a sense, I was abusing myself and denying myself what I really needed.
It was interesting the surge of power that I have felt today. I felt like I got things done! I had some questions about a internet service providers service and I actually called them up rather than spending time trying to assume what it was like. I took a step to correct a mistake that I had made. When I found myself slipping into the 'poor me!' mindset, I quickly reminded myself that I am not a victim.
Sure, I may be hurt. I may be broken on the inside. I'm battered, bruised, and wounded. That doesn't mean that I can't stand up and fight. I still have my resilience and inner strength. I can still stand my ground, and I still have the power to choose. My gift of agency doesn't depend on anything being perfect in my life. Like I overheard in Primary this last week at church, angency is the power to choose. As I felt my 'inner Tumm' well up, I felt myself tapping into that power. It was incredible. Yesterday night and today are probably the few times in a long time where I've felt Tumm become more 'integrated' into me, instead of him being a totally separate part of me. It's so weird to feel a 'steeling' of sort inside. I don't think I've ever felt so strong.
It's been some incredible progress.
Going forward, I'm going to take a more proactive step to reach out for help. I have many, many wonderful, caring, and loving friends who are willing to listen and help me work through things.
I also realize that this strength comes from my Heavenly Father. He's the one that gave me the gift of agency and gave me the wonderful gift of life. When I use this gift He's given me to follow His path, then His power flows through me to touch everything I touch.
Oh, and don't make Tumm angry. He likes to throw around fire when he gets upset.
P. S. Tumm was first introduced in this post.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
My Therapist And Sandwiches
Lately, as you may know from reading my other blog posts, I've been struggling a lot with depression, fear, sadness, grief, lots of things related to my life and especially same gender attraction. I remember about two months ago asking my Heavenly Father 'What would you have me do?' speaking about my same gender feelings. I suddenly feel like He may have given me another piece of insight along my path.
I had a visit with my therapist today. After explaining how I'd been feeling, he asked me what I would like to work on. Surprisingly, my mind went blank (there had been a number of things on my mind on the drive there). He suggested that we sit down and read and article together written by Mitch Mayne. Some information on Mitch Mayne: he is an active Latter Day Saint who is openly gay, as he puts it. Here is a link to his blog: http://mitchmayne.blogspot.com/
My therapist brought over his iPad and sat down right next to me on the couch so that our shoulders were touching. I gave a small gasp of surprise, but he didn't seem to notice or care. We than began to read this article: http://mitchmayne.blogspot.com/2011/12/spirituality-and-social-justice-remarks.html Go ahead and take some time to read it. It's very well spoken.
One of his points that stuck out is that being a Latter Day Saint is more than a religion, it's more of an ethnicity. We have our own 'culture' so to speak. I really liked that point. He also spoke how teachings of the church, especially ones about family, sink deep into our spirits. It becomes part of our spiritual DNA. Or how I would put it, it awakens that part of our spiritual DNA that speaks to the importance of families.
One paragraph that struck me emotionally was under the heading 'Why the LGBT issue is of such importance to Mormons: The culture'. Take a look at the third paragraph which speaks about LDS children who experience same gender attraction and have been kicked out of their homes because of their attractions. He speaks about the deep feelings of loss that those people experience. My therapist turned to me and asked me to talk about it.
I can totally relate. I have felt, growing up, like I wasn't 'part' of my own family, like my parents weren't my own. Maybe physically I was there in a family unit, but emotionally I was not. For at least a portion of my teenage and adult years, I haven't felt like part of my family. In a sense, I've lost that.
Also, I am single. Growing up, the dream, the ideal, the want of every 'perfect' 'righteous' Latter Day Saint youth was the grow up and be sealed in the temple and then have a family. I don't have that. I don't know if words could suffice for the deep, piercing feelings of loss that brings, of having this one dream never materialized.
The second paragraph that hit me was very profound. I didn't recognize the blog post until we came to this paragraph. Fourth paragraph from the end he states this:
"I don’t want to leave people with the impression that I am changing my orientation to be Mormon. Or that I am changing my faith to be gay. Neither of those things is true. I am a gay man, and gay men are emotionally and intimately attracted to other men. That has not changed, and it won’t change. And likewise, part and parcel of being Mormon is I’ve always strived to live my life in accordance with what I understand my savior’s will for me to be, and that hasn’t changed either."
Before that, he spoke about belong to 'both' the gay and Mormon worlds. My therapist turned to me and asked me about it about the same time when the implications of what the paragraph meant. I could embrace both my religion and my attractions. I could make them work together. I could have both in my life. Then I realized that for many years I've tried to stifle, strangle, surpress, and ulitmately kill my attractions. And it hasn't worked. I've been waiting for them to magical go away after certain things occured. I told myself "On my mission, they'll go away", "If I date a girl, they'll go away", "If I go to Journey Into Manhood, they'll go away". Honestly, it hasn't just "gone away".
Finally, I feel like I've come to a point where maybe accepting and allowing the attraction to be part of me is what Heavenly Father has wanted me to do with them. That doesn't mean acting out sexually on the attractions.
The last paragraph that struck me was the final one. It says the following: "It takes a strong spirit to be gay in this life. It takes a remarkable one to be a gay Mormon. Never doubt for a moment you are anything less than remarkable. For that is most certainly how our Father in heaven views you."
As we talked about it, I realized something I've felt in myself for years. I've always had a part of me that refused to give up, a resilience or stubborness inside of me. I realize now that is probably part of my spirit. I've been through pain, heartache and loss. I've put myself through agony and fed myself lies. And yet, my spirit still continues to move onward. My therapist then compared my journey to the pioneer's. I'm going to a place that I've never seen before. I've only heard that it's a good place. He said "Where you're going, you don't even know what it's going to look like!" Honestly, I have no idea what it would mean to embrace and accept my attractions or how it will be after I do this. As my therapist said the pioneers did, I need to put my trust in the love and vision that my Heavenly Father has for me.
My therapist left me with two profound things to ponder:
In life, there are a variety of experiences I am given. Some I choose, some I don't choose. It's much like eating a meal. In order for me to be healthy, I have to have a balanced meal. Let's say I enjoy some things, but hate others. Some things are not delicious but are still healthy for me. For instance, let's say I didn't like vegetables (I actually really like most vegetables). If I didn't eat any, I'd probably risk not having my body run at top performance. If I eat them, sure, it tastes nasty for the moment but there's a long term benefit. Trials and tribulations are like vegetables, and often times, I don't get to pick which vegetable I eat. Same Gender Attraction is one of those vegetables that I don't think I picked, but it is still served to me each and every day. If I ignore it, and throw it away, I'll miss out on the growth and the strength I can receive by working through it.
It's something I will ponder. I have the feeling that exploring this new idea of living in 'both' worlds will bring me a greater sense of peace and wholeness.
I had a visit with my therapist today. After explaining how I'd been feeling, he asked me what I would like to work on. Surprisingly, my mind went blank (there had been a number of things on my mind on the drive there). He suggested that we sit down and read and article together written by Mitch Mayne. Some information on Mitch Mayne: he is an active Latter Day Saint who is openly gay, as he puts it. Here is a link to his blog: http://mitchmayne.blogspot.com/
My therapist brought over his iPad and sat down right next to me on the couch so that our shoulders were touching. I gave a small gasp of surprise, but he didn't seem to notice or care. We than began to read this article: http://mitchmayne.blogspot.com/2011/12/spirituality-and-social-justice-remarks.html Go ahead and take some time to read it. It's very well spoken.
One of his points that stuck out is that being a Latter Day Saint is more than a religion, it's more of an ethnicity. We have our own 'culture' so to speak. I really liked that point. He also spoke how teachings of the church, especially ones about family, sink deep into our spirits. It becomes part of our spiritual DNA. Or how I would put it, it awakens that part of our spiritual DNA that speaks to the importance of families.
One paragraph that struck me emotionally was under the heading 'Why the LGBT issue is of such importance to Mormons: The culture'. Take a look at the third paragraph which speaks about LDS children who experience same gender attraction and have been kicked out of their homes because of their attractions. He speaks about the deep feelings of loss that those people experience. My therapist turned to me and asked me to talk about it.
I can totally relate. I have felt, growing up, like I wasn't 'part' of my own family, like my parents weren't my own. Maybe physically I was there in a family unit, but emotionally I was not. For at least a portion of my teenage and adult years, I haven't felt like part of my family. In a sense, I've lost that.
Also, I am single. Growing up, the dream, the ideal, the want of every 'perfect' 'righteous' Latter Day Saint youth was the grow up and be sealed in the temple and then have a family. I don't have that. I don't know if words could suffice for the deep, piercing feelings of loss that brings, of having this one dream never materialized.
The second paragraph that hit me was very profound. I didn't recognize the blog post until we came to this paragraph. Fourth paragraph from the end he states this:
"I don’t want to leave people with the impression that I am changing my orientation to be Mormon. Or that I am changing my faith to be gay. Neither of those things is true. I am a gay man, and gay men are emotionally and intimately attracted to other men. That has not changed, and it won’t change. And likewise, part and parcel of being Mormon is I’ve always strived to live my life in accordance with what I understand my savior’s will for me to be, and that hasn’t changed either."
Before that, he spoke about belong to 'both' the gay and Mormon worlds. My therapist turned to me and asked me about it about the same time when the implications of what the paragraph meant. I could embrace both my religion and my attractions. I could make them work together. I could have both in my life. Then I realized that for many years I've tried to stifle, strangle, surpress, and ulitmately kill my attractions. And it hasn't worked. I've been waiting for them to magical go away after certain things occured. I told myself "On my mission, they'll go away", "If I date a girl, they'll go away", "If I go to Journey Into Manhood, they'll go away". Honestly, it hasn't just "gone away".
Finally, I feel like I've come to a point where maybe accepting and allowing the attraction to be part of me is what Heavenly Father has wanted me to do with them. That doesn't mean acting out sexually on the attractions.
The last paragraph that struck me was the final one. It says the following: "It takes a strong spirit to be gay in this life. It takes a remarkable one to be a gay Mormon. Never doubt for a moment you are anything less than remarkable. For that is most certainly how our Father in heaven views you."
As we talked about it, I realized something I've felt in myself for years. I've always had a part of me that refused to give up, a resilience or stubborness inside of me. I realize now that is probably part of my spirit. I've been through pain, heartache and loss. I've put myself through agony and fed myself lies. And yet, my spirit still continues to move onward. My therapist then compared my journey to the pioneer's. I'm going to a place that I've never seen before. I've only heard that it's a good place. He said "Where you're going, you don't even know what it's going to look like!" Honestly, I have no idea what it would mean to embrace and accept my attractions or how it will be after I do this. As my therapist said the pioneers did, I need to put my trust in the love and vision that my Heavenly Father has for me.
My therapist left me with two profound things to ponder:
- Same gender attraction may be part of my mortal experience forever.
- Women can become potential friends and possibly even girlfriends/wives, but only if I put effort into it.
In life, there are a variety of experiences I am given. Some I choose, some I don't choose. It's much like eating a meal. In order for me to be healthy, I have to have a balanced meal. Let's say I enjoy some things, but hate others. Some things are not delicious but are still healthy for me. For instance, let's say I didn't like vegetables (I actually really like most vegetables). If I didn't eat any, I'd probably risk not having my body run at top performance. If I eat them, sure, it tastes nasty for the moment but there's a long term benefit. Trials and tribulations are like vegetables, and often times, I don't get to pick which vegetable I eat. Same Gender Attraction is one of those vegetables that I don't think I picked, but it is still served to me each and every day. If I ignore it, and throw it away, I'll miss out on the growth and the strength I can receive by working through it.
It's something I will ponder. I have the feeling that exploring this new idea of living in 'both' worlds will bring me a greater sense of peace and wholeness.
Friday, December 30, 2011
The Demons Come In Sideways
First off, this post is a scary one to write. I feel like I may be writing about some thoughts and ideas that I've never shared before. Also, I feel like I may be sharing one of the devils tricks. Also, I'm afraid of some of the ramifications of what I want to share in this post.
Last night started out normal, and slowly turned into something very painful. Typically on Thursday nights, I go and play computer games with some friends. Last night ended with me tweeting some very scary things. I'll start with those:
"The battlefield of the mind is a dynamic place. One moment, things are calm. The next, legions of demons emerge from the shadows."
"At first, the demons smile disarmingly, disabling defenses and setting all at ease."
"Then they slip sideways into thoughts, planing corrupt, poisoned seeds of lies that spread like a virus."
"Finally when the person has started to succumb to the poison, they try to crush the person with darkness and despair."
Last night, I was heading home on what I thought would be a typical night. Rush home, grab my computer, and rush to hang to with the friends. It would be an enjoyable evening where we ran around together in the game and laughed and struggled through it together. At least, that was what I was hoping for. I wanted to try to get to where we were meeting early to see if I could finish a book that I've been reading for the past month or so.
When I got home, I had a surprised. There were a lot more people in the front room than I expected. To explain, I live with a family of four. Sitting on the couch was the father, as well as another man I knew, as well as some of both of their children sitting in chairs. I was so shocked, I didn't recognize the other man for a few moments. He smiled and said 'hi'. In a daze, I think I said 'hi' to the man and his wife and went into my room to prepare my computer for transport.
By then, the demons had slipped out of the shadows. Without realizing it, the negative self talk had started in my head:
Why is that family visiting? It seems that the two families are becoming good friends. I feel kind of left out. Well, that's my fault. I'm hardly home and I hardly like to spend time with the family anyways. The two guys seem to have a really good friendship going on. I guess I'm not the kind of person that the other man was looking for. I guess I'm not good enough.
It happened so quickly. I became pretty withdrawn, and felt like I was a shadow moving through the place I lived. Although I did want to give both of those men I knew, who are my friends, hugs before I left, I instead left the scene as quickly as I could, listening away to the lies in my head:
Oh, I don't want to do that in front of either of the wives. What will they think of me? Will they think I'm trying to hit on them? Trying to make a pass?
It was when I was driving away when I finally realized I was listening to some of the oldest lies I've told myself for years. "People don't care about me. I'm not good enough. I'm not worth love and affection." I tried to counter it with truths I knew, but the poison had set in. I felt sad. I felt lonely.
I arrived at the game night, and it wasn't anything like I had hoped it to be. Me and the 3 other guys were all doing different things in different places in the games. It was incredibly lonely. I made a few snarky jokes on and off, feeling vaguely angry that we weren't all together in the game, yet I didn't do anything about that fact.
As I was driving home, the sadness and the loneliness had set in. My mind started to wonder.
There are deer along this part of the road. What if I hit one of them? I could die. Mom would be there at my funeral crying. Dying wouldn't be so bad. I'd be free from the pain I have here, this grief and pain.
That's when I shook my head and realized I was fantasizing. Still, I felt a deep pain in my heart. I was crying. I was sad, hurting, overcome by grief, a combination of the pain of loneliness, and the pains of a guilty conscious. I knew I was guilty of so many different sins. It felt like my heart was breaking.
As I carried my computer back into where I live, I felt dark, crushing despair. It was like something was trying to squeeze the hope out of me. It was a struggle to breath, and I managed to unlock the house and get inside. As I went back for the rest of the computer, I didn't want to go back inside. I knew the demons were out there. Finally, I was able to get everything in my house.
I was tempted with various things. One thought said 'Oh, set up your computer, look at some pornography. You'll feel better.' Another said 'Why don't you masturbate? It's the only time you're really loving yourself! After all, only you love yourself.' And even, there was a few thoughts about trying to end my life. I'm very scared to admit, but I did consider it for a moment, and even thought of way to do it.
All through this, I was praying. I was trying to connect. I honestly don't know why I didn't feel an answer. I laid down, texting two friends of mine. The pain was still there. Tears were still streaming down my face. Many times I whimpered because of the pain. Sometimes, I just wanted to implode on the spot and stop being because it felt like too much. I don't ever remember falling asleep.
This morning, I can still feel that pain in my heart. I still do feel a sense of guilt over things I've done. The one sin I was guilty of last night was perpetuating those lies I've told myself all the years and for listening to those demons. Honestly, I am afraid. I feel afraid whenever thoughts of suicide come up. I honestly feel like I'm too much of a coward to actually do anything like that. I also realize it would cause a great deal of pain to many people that I love. At what point though, does the pain get to be too much? I honestly feel like I am getting near some kind of breaking point. Something has to give. There's something in me that needs to break before I can move on from whatever it is I've been going through the last day, week, month...time period.
For now, I'm going to keep moving and try to feel my way through this pain.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Music That Speaks To Me - Everybody's Fool
Perfection. Perfection is such a lovely, perfect word. Perfect people are happy. Perfect people have no flaws. Perfect people are always smiling. There's nothing wrong with them.
Lyrics:
perfect by nature
icons of self-indulgence
just what we all need
more lies about a world that
never was and never will be
have you no shame? Don't you see me?
you know you've got everybody fooled
look here she comes now
bow down and stare in wonder
oh how we love you
no flaws when you're pretending
but now i know she
never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled
without the mask where will you hide?
can't find yourself lost in your lie
i know the truth now
i know who you are
and i don't love you anymore
it never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled
it never was and never will be
you're not real and you can't save me
somehow now you're everybody's fool
[Taken from http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/evanescence/everybodysfool.html]
The video takes a big stab at advertisement. I've always seen advertisements as trying to present some kind of 'perfect' image to consumers. If you drink this product, you'll be perfect, beatiful, wonderful, loved, etc etc etc.
What a pack of lies. I've found great amusement when I manage to shake off the spell that advertisements put on me, and really see through the veneer that they've put on things. There's something enjoyable at ignoring the perfect image that they try to put up.
As for myself, I've been the person who's tried to be 'perfect'. I've put on many masks in my life. The most destructive mask I've worn was the 'I'm a perfect person!' mask. As part of this mask, I have to smile and be happy all the time. Nothing is ever wrong in my life. I don't have same gender attraction. I feel the spirit all the time. I don't do anything wrong. I've got 'no flaws when [I'm] pretending'. Really, I hide my shortcomings. I hide my struggles. I'm living a life. In many ways, I betray myself when I put on this mask. When I try to live a life that 'never was or never will be', at least in this mortal life. When I wear the mask of perfection, I'm not loving myself. After all, how could I be loving a lie? How could someone else love me, when all they're loving is the mask?
About two and half years ago, reality started to sink in. I started to realize that I really needed help. I got a therapist that would actually help me get through my issues. I went to my first support group. I started to destroy that mask, although it is a difficult one to destroy. After all, I've lived for 26 years. I could probably say that a good majority of that time was spent hiding behind the mask, evading the truth about the world and about myself. I've spent a long time hiding the truth.
What are some things that hide behind the mask? Fear. Pain. Deep wounding. Endless cycles of lies that I've told myself. Sadness. Anger. The real me hides behind the mask. One of my deep fears is that I will not overcome same gender attraction in this life. I fear that I will have to deal with it until the day that I die. Even though I've done work, and tried to move past and heal issues, it still lingers. Many days I see it as a curse. I hide that fact from everyone around me, even myself. Some days, I've really got 'everybody fooled' even myself, and thus I am 'everybody's fool'.
The best way to combat any lie is with truth. To borrow from Jesus, who stated "Ye shall know the truth, and the truth will set you free" John 8:32. As I've come to know and accept the truth about me, the world, the people around me, Heavenly Father, his gospel, the Atonement, I've found freedom. Sometimes accepting that truth has been a painful process. Ultimately, it's healed me and made me free from the lies, free from being everybody's fool. Or perhaps more accurately, free from being a puppet of the adversary of all that is true, good, and holy.
This had been a difficult post for me. I hope that I, as well as all of you, can learn to cast of the masks that we wear. I hope that we together can learn to be more authentic. I hope we can embrace the truth. I believe that the truth is the only thing that can heal us and the world around us.
Truth: I am a valued son of Heavenly Father. Truth: He gave His only perfect Son's life so that I could become perfect as well. Truth: I am not perfect. Truth: I have many challenges in life, and they're all meant to lead me toward perfection, and back into the loving embrace of Heavenly Father.
Those are some of the truths that I am learning to embrace.
For more reading, you can read Dan's post from Single Dad Laughing on perfection. Click here: The disease called perfection. Enjoy!
If I've learned anything in my time here on this earth, there's no such thing as a perfect person. If I think someone's perfect, I'm obviously closing my eyes to the flaws they may have. Many times, I've felt like other people see me as a 'perfect' person. I feel put up on a pedestal. Sometimes I've put myself on that pedestal. I've put on that perfect veneer. I've tried to pretend to be a 'normal', happy, 'perfect' person.
Today's song speaks just to that. Disclaimer: there is some language in the song.
Lyrics:
perfect by nature
icons of self-indulgence
just what we all need
more lies about a world that
never was and never will be
have you no shame? Don't you see me?
you know you've got everybody fooled
look here she comes now
bow down and stare in wonder
oh how we love you
no flaws when you're pretending
but now i know she
never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled
without the mask where will you hide?
can't find yourself lost in your lie
i know the truth now
i know who you are
and i don't love you anymore
it never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled
it never was and never will be
you're not real and you can't save me
somehow now you're everybody's fool
[Taken from http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/evanescence/everybodysfool.html]
The video takes a big stab at advertisement. I've always seen advertisements as trying to present some kind of 'perfect' image to consumers. If you drink this product, you'll be perfect, beatiful, wonderful, loved, etc etc etc.
What a pack of lies. I've found great amusement when I manage to shake off the spell that advertisements put on me, and really see through the veneer that they've put on things. There's something enjoyable at ignoring the perfect image that they try to put up.
As for myself, I've been the person who's tried to be 'perfect'. I've put on many masks in my life. The most destructive mask I've worn was the 'I'm a perfect person!' mask. As part of this mask, I have to smile and be happy all the time. Nothing is ever wrong in my life. I don't have same gender attraction. I feel the spirit all the time. I don't do anything wrong. I've got 'no flaws when [I'm] pretending'. Really, I hide my shortcomings. I hide my struggles. I'm living a life. In many ways, I betray myself when I put on this mask. When I try to live a life that 'never was or never will be', at least in this mortal life. When I wear the mask of perfection, I'm not loving myself. After all, how could I be loving a lie? How could someone else love me, when all they're loving is the mask?
About two and half years ago, reality started to sink in. I started to realize that I really needed help. I got a therapist that would actually help me get through my issues. I went to my first support group. I started to destroy that mask, although it is a difficult one to destroy. After all, I've lived for 26 years. I could probably say that a good majority of that time was spent hiding behind the mask, evading the truth about the world and about myself. I've spent a long time hiding the truth.
What are some things that hide behind the mask? Fear. Pain. Deep wounding. Endless cycles of lies that I've told myself. Sadness. Anger. The real me hides behind the mask. One of my deep fears is that I will not overcome same gender attraction in this life. I fear that I will have to deal with it until the day that I die. Even though I've done work, and tried to move past and heal issues, it still lingers. Many days I see it as a curse. I hide that fact from everyone around me, even myself. Some days, I've really got 'everybody fooled' even myself, and thus I am 'everybody's fool'.
The best way to combat any lie is with truth. To borrow from Jesus, who stated "Ye shall know the truth, and the truth will set you free" John 8:32. As I've come to know and accept the truth about me, the world, the people around me, Heavenly Father, his gospel, the Atonement, I've found freedom. Sometimes accepting that truth has been a painful process. Ultimately, it's healed me and made me free from the lies, free from being everybody's fool. Or perhaps more accurately, free from being a puppet of the adversary of all that is true, good, and holy.
This had been a difficult post for me. I hope that I, as well as all of you, can learn to cast of the masks that we wear. I hope that we together can learn to be more authentic. I hope we can embrace the truth. I believe that the truth is the only thing that can heal us and the world around us.
Truth: I am a valued son of Heavenly Father. Truth: He gave His only perfect Son's life so that I could become perfect as well. Truth: I am not perfect. Truth: I have many challenges in life, and they're all meant to lead me toward perfection, and back into the loving embrace of Heavenly Father.
Those are some of the truths that I am learning to embrace.
For more reading, you can read Dan's post from Single Dad Laughing on perfection. Click here: The disease called perfection. Enjoy!
Monday, December 19, 2011
Self Talk
Today I want to talk about something a friend of mine called 'Self Talk'. Now, a person may think 'You talk to yourself? You're crazy!' Funny thing, my brain hardly ever shuts itself down. When it's not busy focusing on the task at hand, it could be analyzing the situation, resting (sometimes), or it could be engaged in telling me something about the situation (self talk).
Let's take this last weekend for example. Friday night, I spent time with family, and felt really good. Saturday evening I also spent time with some friends that was very uplifting, entertaining, and gave me that lovely 'feel good' feeling inside (interestingly enough, without a whole lot of cuddle time, but that is beside the point). Sunday rolls around, and I'm still feeling pretty good, albeit a bit tired. I get to church, and suddenly, the feelings of loneliness start to kick in. Elder's Quorum it seemed to be particularly bad, and I was feeling really down. Only after I got home, did I realize I'd been engaging in some negative self talk.
This is a more accurate view of what was going on:
Outside action: I drive into the parking lot, and feel like parking further away from everyone else.
Self talk: I don't have friends in this ward. I don't belong here. I want to park far away so that the pain of trying to pretend to be 'close' to the ward is less.
Outside action: I sit down in sacrament meeting, alone.
Self talk: I'm all alone. Everyone else has a family. I'm not the same as everyone else here. I'm a loner. I'm lonely. I'll always be lonely if I'm single. I'm less than the other people in the ward.
Outside action: I look around, a notice some men that I'm attracted to.
Self talk: I shouldn't be scoping other people out. I'm being some kind of voyeur.
Outside action: I see a man who I've noticed is affectionate toward his kids. I find myself straining to see if he's doing it today.
Self talk: You're some kind of stalker. Why do you want to see that?
Outside action: My Elder's Quorum president talks how if people are in need, they can ask their home teachers for help or their friends in the ward.
Self talk: I'm in some dire emotional need. I need friends in this ward. I don't really have any friends. My home teachers don't visit me. I don't feel like I'm making a difference here. I'm afraid to reach out. I'm afraid of asking for what I need. If they knew what I thought about, they would reject me. They'd chase me out of the ward with pitchforks. If they knew what I wanted sometimes, they would do the same.
Outside action: A man in the ward, who I do consider to be somewhat of a friend when I'm thinking straighter, gives me a friendly pat on the back as I walk by.
Self talk: I really want more than that. I guess I have to accept what scraps are giving me. I'm so tired of dealing with other men's phobia of touch with other men. I'm so tired of feeling that myself. Other men are just so scared to do it. I'm scared to ask for it from straight men. What's the point of bonding with these guys?
And so on, and so forth. All self talk, for me, seems to have a common thread: hardly any of it is based in truth. A lot of it is dirty, horrible, rotten lies that I've told myself for years and continue to tell myself. Some of those lies are:
Let's take this last weekend for example. Friday night, I spent time with family, and felt really good. Saturday evening I also spent time with some friends that was very uplifting, entertaining, and gave me that lovely 'feel good' feeling inside (interestingly enough, without a whole lot of cuddle time, but that is beside the point). Sunday rolls around, and I'm still feeling pretty good, albeit a bit tired. I get to church, and suddenly, the feelings of loneliness start to kick in. Elder's Quorum it seemed to be particularly bad, and I was feeling really down. Only after I got home, did I realize I'd been engaging in some negative self talk.
This is a more accurate view of what was going on:
Outside action: I drive into the parking lot, and feel like parking further away from everyone else.
Self talk: I don't have friends in this ward. I don't belong here. I want to park far away so that the pain of trying to pretend to be 'close' to the ward is less.
Outside action: I sit down in sacrament meeting, alone.
Self talk: I'm all alone. Everyone else has a family. I'm not the same as everyone else here. I'm a loner. I'm lonely. I'll always be lonely if I'm single. I'm less than the other people in the ward.
Outside action: I look around, a notice some men that I'm attracted to.
Self talk: I shouldn't be scoping other people out. I'm being some kind of voyeur.
Outside action: I see a man who I've noticed is affectionate toward his kids. I find myself straining to see if he's doing it today.
Self talk: You're some kind of stalker. Why do you want to see that?
Outside action: My Elder's Quorum president talks how if people are in need, they can ask their home teachers for help or their friends in the ward.
Self talk: I'm in some dire emotional need. I need friends in this ward. I don't really have any friends. My home teachers don't visit me. I don't feel like I'm making a difference here. I'm afraid to reach out. I'm afraid of asking for what I need. If they knew what I thought about, they would reject me. They'd chase me out of the ward with pitchforks. If they knew what I wanted sometimes, they would do the same.
Outside action: A man in the ward, who I do consider to be somewhat of a friend when I'm thinking straighter, gives me a friendly pat on the back as I walk by.
Self talk: I really want more than that. I guess I have to accept what scraps are giving me. I'm so tired of dealing with other men's phobia of touch with other men. I'm so tired of feeling that myself. Other men are just so scared to do it. I'm scared to ask for it from straight men. What's the point of bonding with these guys?
And so on, and so forth. All self talk, for me, seems to have a common thread: hardly any of it is based in truth. A lot of it is dirty, horrible, rotten lies that I've told myself for years and continue to tell myself. Some of those lies are:
- I'm worthless
- I'm not valued
- I'm not cared for
- I'm not important
- I'm stupid
- I'm ugly
- I'm weak
- I'm not a man
- I have no value
The list could go on and on and on.
I decided, during sacrament this last week, that I would try to replace my negative self talk with some positive self talk. Hopefully, that will ultimately change the beliefs I have about myself. Hopefully it will change how I act. Here are some of things I came up with:
- I am worthy of love and connection.
- I am loved.
- I have friends.
- God loves me.
- God is good and faithful. He can be trusted.
- I am worth dying for (speaking about the Atonement)
- I am worth it
- I am worthy of affirmation and affection
- I am working toward perfection
- I can do great things
The list of positive self talk helps me feel more bolstered and more uplifted. It helps build me up, and I feel like it helps build me up in the right way. One more thing that I heard from a friend recently is 'I need to be the change I want to see'. I remember at the time I was complaining to him about wanting to give and receive more touch from straight male friends. He then said something to the effect of: if that's something I want to see, then I need to do it. In other words, if I want to see appropriate male affection be introduced into the culture around me, then I need to be the one dispensing it. It sounds like a big and lofty goal.
Oh dear, here comes the negative self talk again. I have but one thing to say in response to it 'I can'.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Friendship - Thou Art A Strange Beast
Recently, I know I've made posts about friendship. Today, I want to share some of the thoughts I've been having about friendship or perhaps more in general, relationships.
First off, each person is a paradox. A person can be simple. A person can be complex. Sometimes the reason behind how people think, feel, and act is complicated. Sometimes it's very simple.
Relationships can be simple or they can be complex. Friendship can be much the same way. I've found that relationships are simple if both people are expecting or wanting the same thing from it. Friendship is much the same way. I find that things get horribly complicated if each person in a relationship is expecting something different, or are expecting the same thing, in different amounts. If one person starts to expect more than the other person is willing to give, then it can get complicated. If one person starts to give more than the other person is willing to receive, it also gets quite complicated.
Personally, I've been on both ends. I've been on the end where I feel like I'm giving more and more to the person, and receiving very little in return. I've been in those friendships where I reach out continually to try to connect with the other person, but I never see the other person reach back. Sure, when I initiate contact, most people respond and continue that contact. I've also seen the opposite happen. There are people I know who give and give to me, who share there life stories, advice, thoughts, and opinions, and for whatever reason, I don't wish to receive those.
That's the point where things get complicated.
When I see situations where I'm giving too much, I find it difficult, albeit not hard to 'withdraw' from the person. When I realize I'm over committing, it is easy for me to not commit as much. By committing less, I may give that person less attention. I may reach out to them less than I have in the past. I may not try to give them as much touch/affection as I have in the past. It may mean something even more difficult. It may mean reclaiming the 'heartspace' I've given to that person. 'Heartspace' is a pretty complicated term for me. In some ways, it's a measure of my internal commitment toward a person.
I find the harder situations to deal with are when people seem to be 'overcommiting' to try to have a relationship with me. If the person initiates contact, and I don't feel like initiating back. I find myself worried about 'hurting their feelings'. I feel like I'm being cruel if I don't respond to the person. I feel like I'm lying by continuing to interact with the person.
Honestly, I realize that everyone has needs in varying levels and amounts. Perhaps for with some friends, I meet their needs by interacting with them, even if I don't get my needs met in the same way with that relationship. Perhaps other people help meet my needs when they interact with them, yet I don't help feel their needs. Lopsided relationships? Yes. Bad? I'm not sure. Unhealthy? Only if the person on the giving end is putting themselves into a bad place by helping out.
Friendship, for me, is about mutual trust. It's about both people in the relationship wanting and giving on a similar level. There's also the idea of liking each other, of enjoying each others company. There's a drive to continue and maintain the relationship on both sides. There's also a sense of safety, love, and affirmation. Each friendship is different. Each one is on various levels and each one can change over time.
A few more thoughts I've had. I've been reading 'In Quiet Desperation'. In part of the book, Ty Mansfield talks about speaks about the condemnation of homosexuality found in Romans 1. He then spoke that Paul was trying to teach a very important principle. He was trying to warn against the dangers of idolatry. He was stating that by misusing the procreative powers that Heavenly Father has given me, I was starting to worship that power. As Ty Mansfield put it, some people make their sexuality their idol. It then struck me that I had many other idols. The current idol I've been worship is friendship. I've been trying to put the idea of having friendship up and over God. I realize that friendship is something important in my life. Is it really something that should be worshiped? Is it more important than God, the giver of the gift of friendship? Heavens no. Heavenly Father alone should be my object of highest and must worthy worship.
One last thought. I saw a funny twitter hashtag today. It goes something like #SomeoneLetMeKnowWhen. I contemplated a few that I could say, in light of my recent posts and this post. #SomeoneLetMeKnowWhen men will not be afraid of showing pure, non sexual affection toward one another in public. #SomeoneLetMeKnowWhen it is safe to express feelings openly with one another, even if those feelings say 'I don't want to be your friend'.
Just some thoughts and musings I've had. I'd love to hear your thoughts! Please comment, or send me an e-mail.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
A Matter Of Perspective 7Dec2011
I am feeling a whole lot better today. I had a wonderful talk with my therapist that helped to widen and open up my perspective.
First, he had me do a relaxation technique. The shoulder/neck pain and headaches were due to my body responding to all the stress I've been feeling lately. Work, trying to figure out how to handle my attractions toward men, and stressing about giving/receiving appropriate healthy touch with other men has really been taking a toll on my body. After I was able to relax some, I was able to talk about all those things that were stressing me.
My therapist then asked me what my options were for dealing with my attractions or life in general. I came up with a list of the following (by no means inclusive of all the options I have):
- Live the lifestyle, having multiple sexual partners
- Live the lifestyle, have one sexual partners
- Live the lifestyle, remain celibate, only date men
- Don't live the lifestyle, have romantic relationships with men
- Don't interact with men at all
- Connect superficially with men
- Connect emotionally with other men
- Be vulnerable with men that I trust
- Pursue a close, vulnerable relationship with God (this option teared me up when I said it)
- Completely ignore God and His will
I'm sure there are many more options that I could pursue in relationship with life and my attractions. The experience of listing options, as many as I could think of, helped to open my eyes. I realized that romantic and sexual interactions with men was only a small subset of a larger sphere of possible interactions. I could do so many other things with men. As we talked, I couldn't help but here the lie inside 'Oh, but I'm shy. People don't invite me to do things with them.' I know that is a lie. I have friends that do invite me to do things. I've been a bit of a hermit lately due to the headaches and pain.
My therapist then told me that I seemed to be very focused on men and my attraction to them. He said he hadn't heard me talk about any girls, specifically a girl that I had been kind of interested in a few months ago. I can probably count on one hand the number of women that I interact with (by women I mean females older than 9). Only about three of them are women that I feel comfortable enough to share at least part of what's going on with me, two of those are my sisters and another is my friend's girlfriend. I realized that I had a large void in my life. I was totally ignoring the possibility of interacting with women, probably because I simply don't have many opportunities, outside of church and rarely at work, to interact with women. I've decided that I need to start participating in the local single ward activities. I go to a family ward currently, and really like the progress I'm making with the bishop. Hopefully if I start going to some single ward activities, I may find more people around where I live that I can interact with. Maybe I can even find that mythical, other gender attracted, cuddle buddy I've been looking for. There's the obsession with men again.
I stated something profound last night. I know I've heard it before. I said to my therapist that my attraction has very little to do with sex and sexual relationships with men. It's more about emotional connection. It's more about loving and feeling loved. For me, maybe that generally looks like some kind of touch or physical affection, but it doesn't have to be like that. Touch is only one small way people convey the fact that they like someone else. It still is my preferred method. I'm going to have to keep my eyes open a little wider to see if people are sending me that message, and I'm missing it. I'm still going to keep my touchy feely nature toward other people and yet try to explore other ways of expressing how I feel toward a person.
Anyways, my therapist did say I was focusing on one very small part of my life: my desire for touch-based interaction with men. I realized that I was focusing on it. Sure, it is a squeaky wheel. It's a big pain point for me. But there is so much more to life than just that. There's my relationship with friends I do have. There's my co-workers. There's my relationship with myself. There's my relationship with Heavenly Father. There's my hobbies: Magic, video games, and reading.
As my therapist gave me a hug goodbye, he started to talked to me. It's one of my favorite moments because I really like his hugs, and he often says very insightful things as we're hugging. He said he wanted me to expand my expectations on what I can do. He wants me to expand my expectations for me. I realized that I had been doing something like that. When temptation to masturbate arises, a lie often comes with it. "You'll eventually give in" says the lie. To that I say "I can resist. I can with God's help." And many times, He has come to my aid.
As I ate dinner, I had a pleasant conversation with a friend and we got into the matter of perspective. I realized that I can't see the "big picture". Even with the spirit's aid, I often only see parts of glimpses of the whole plan. I'm given just what I need to succeed and thrive with my challenges.
I went home and had an enjoyable evening rebuilding some of my Magic decks. I dismantled one deck, and realized I still had ten regular decks and two Commander decks. I only managed to rebuild half of my regular decks. I awoke this morning feel tired, but not completely worn out like I have felt the last few days. The pain in my neck and shoulders seems to have faded. Sure, the whole physical touch situation hasn't changed a whole lot. It's just not the only thing I'm going to focus on, I hope.
To finish, I'd love to share some sayings/quotes that I like:
"Perception is reality."
"Perception is everything, to the perceiver."
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Life Lessons Learned From Weather Patterns 22Nov2011
This morning as I drove to work, I was admiring how beautiful the mountains were with the sun shining from behind them and how the color of the clouds was changing. Then I glanced down and saw that I would be soon be driving into a fog bank.
Once inside, I could no longer see the mountains in the distance. At most, I could see about half a mile before everything would disappear in a gray haze. As I drove, I realized that it would be easy to get lost in the fog. It was difficult to see landmarks far away. I imagined if I was walking and didn't know my way around, I wouldn't be able to find even the Walmart that was so close by. I then realized that I knew where to go because I had driven the route so many times. Then I thought, 'Even if I didn't know the route, there are maps. I have my GPS. I would be able to get to my destination just fine, even if I couldn't see the overall picture'.
That seemed oddly parallel to my life. Sometimes, I can see clearly. I can see the whole picture. I can see where I'm going and what paths will take me there. Sometimes, temptation arises and all I can see is the fog. I have a hard time seeing into the next moment. Making decisions becomes much more difficult. Although, if I've traveled the roads that lead me to happiness many times in the past, I'll know which roads to take. If I'm not sure, there are maps and other guides that I can take to help me get to the destination that I want. I can read the scriptures. I can pray. I can listen to trusted individuals to try to figure out which path I want to take to get to where I'm going.
Even in the fog, I could still see the sun rise. It struck me that God's guidance and love can penetrate even the thickest of temptations. His love can always reach me, no matter where I am.
Once inside, I could no longer see the mountains in the distance. At most, I could see about half a mile before everything would disappear in a gray haze. As I drove, I realized that it would be easy to get lost in the fog. It was difficult to see landmarks far away. I imagined if I was walking and didn't know my way around, I wouldn't be able to find even the Walmart that was so close by. I then realized that I knew where to go because I had driven the route so many times. Then I thought, 'Even if I didn't know the route, there are maps. I have my GPS. I would be able to get to my destination just fine, even if I couldn't see the overall picture'.
That seemed oddly parallel to my life. Sometimes, I can see clearly. I can see the whole picture. I can see where I'm going and what paths will take me there. Sometimes, temptation arises and all I can see is the fog. I have a hard time seeing into the next moment. Making decisions becomes much more difficult. Although, if I've traveled the roads that lead me to happiness many times in the past, I'll know which roads to take. If I'm not sure, there are maps and other guides that I can take to help me get to the destination that I want. I can read the scriptures. I can pray. I can listen to trusted individuals to try to figure out which path I want to take to get to where I'm going.
Even in the fog, I could still see the sun rise. It struck me that God's guidance and love can penetrate even the thickest of temptations. His love can always reach me, no matter where I am.
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