It's 11:30. Normally, I'd be sound asleep by now. Ironically, I had all the electronics and I was pleasantly reading a book and texting a friend of mine. Oddly, our conversation stirred up some very deep, painful issues of mine. To help me sleep, I'm going to be blogging about it here.
For the past eight months, I feel like I've been slipping slowly into a kind of madness or into a state of numbness where I don't feel anything. I've found myself in a frenzy, moving from one activity to the other, like I was trying to run away from something. Other times, I found me trying to bury myself in video games, or books to read, or endless Facebook updates, trying to ignore or numb away something I'd been feeling. Sometimes I've turned to more potent numbing agents, like masturbation. All of this to try to avoid feeling one thing.
Pain.
Working backward from right now, where I do feel the pain and the sadness. I can see that my actions lately have made me feel like I'm slippy closer and closer toward acting out sexually with another man. I can see that I've been putting myself into increasingly more compromising situations. The cycle is very slow, generally every few months. I feel like I've been getting very close to a breaking point of sorts.
The root cause? Last year I was in a very close friendship. I shared a lot with this other man. I struggled with having romantic feelings on and off. I started to become very overdependent on him for getting my emotional needs met. To make a long, painful story short, the friendship eventually fell apart and I had to distance myself from him.
Since then, I don't think I've ever fully recovered from it. I've withdrawn and isolated my heart to being hurt further. I've taken steps to numb myself from the pain, which only seems to make the pain feel even worse. I've noticed that it's been difficult to feel like I have and friends, even friends that are close. I've felt like there is no one that I can trust. I don't even feel like I can trust myself, or my own motives. I feel like I've been playing more and more with fire, and that eventually I'm going to get burned by it, unless I can find another solution.
Pain has been a reoccurring companion for me in my life. I remember crying myself to sleep at nights when I was younger because I didn't feel like anyone liked me and that I didn't have any friends. The feeling has continued with me as I've grown older. I realize that my perceptions are horrifically tainted and twisted by the beliefs I have about myself: that I am unlovable, and not worth the notice of others. Sadly, I've turned this belief against others. Many times, a friendship has taken root in my heart, only to later be blasted by my anger and by my inability to love the other person. I've often felt like my heart was a lonely, desolate place where no one else was. Many times, it's been like Tumm has rampaged and destroyed everything, only to ultimately curl up in a ball in the center of the blast radius and go completely numb. I honestly feel like the cycle of destruction and attempted rebirth has gone on far too long in my life. It would be nice for a friendship to grow, become strong, and stay alive in my heart. Sometimes I think my heart just isn't fertile enough for it. I've always thought that friendships were hard to form. Now I'm beginning to think I may be the difficult person to be a friend with.
The pain is often frustrating for me. I have tried to pray many times for it to be removed. I've even tried to surrender it. I feel like I need to give up on both. Neither has made the pain stop. I find myself praying increasingly more in order to have the strength to bear the pain I've been given to bear.
At the root of the madness are number of competing and fighting ideas and desires. On one hand, there is a part of me that so desperately wants to be loved. On another, there is a part that wants to be free from pain and suffering and that doesn't want to hurt any more. The part that desires freedom from pain says that in order to have love, I will have to open up and risk being hurt. The same part decides to keep me guarded and isolate from others. The other part cries out so desperately to feel loved that it often comes out in ways I can't control. Sometimes that part of me starts to listen to the lie that the only way I will be loved is if I am loved sexually by another.
I can see but one path that may lead me back to sanity. I have many safe places to embrace vulnerability and let my pain be shown. Perhaps there, I can finally step into my pain more fully, and allow myself to feel truly loved again.
Showing posts with label Pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pain. Show all posts
Monday, February 27, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Music That Speaks To My Resolve - Give A Reason
I've recently finished watching an anime series called Slayers (I watched the original, Try, Next, Revolution, and Revolution-R, basically everything on Hulu). Each of the episodes has an opening and closing song. I thoroughly enjoyed the series. The characters seemed have a life of their own. Each one kept on fighting (sometimes with some encouragement by their friends) despite the odds or the tragedies that happened to them. Overall, it was a powerful story on the triumph that can come when someone keeps fighting.
Today's song comes from the opening of the Slayers NEXT series. The title is 'Give a Reason'. Alas, it's in Japanese, but I'll shared a link to it here:
I'd love to give the lyrics, but alas, they are in Japanese. I'll share part of a translation here:
Things are moving so fast
The moments ticking by.
I'm running through this city
To me, a savanna.
Like it's struggling
Trying to break free
I wanna test all this power.
I know that "The Answer"
Is out there someplace.
The answer that everyone looks for
From the day they're born.
When all looks lost and there's no escape
I turn to my dreams!
I'm not afraid of getting hurt
But I'm not strong, either.
It's just that I can't stand
Just doing nothing anymore.
Here we go, go!
I'll just run on
And let nobody stop me know.
I wanna find the me in the future
And give her a reason for life!
(Translation was taken from the close captioning for the series on www.hulu.com).
I love this song. It has a lot of energy and is very enthusiastic. It reminds me of a recent realization about myself that I've had: that I'm resilient and much more durable than I used to think I was. I've been through a lot, and I've yet to lay down and completely stop fighting and struggling. Even when I fall apart, I somehow find the strength to keep going through.
I had a really discussion with a friend about the fact that I've come out publicly on this blog. I realize that it was really risky situation. When I made the decision, I realized that I was tired of hiding behind masks, and that I was tired of doing nothing. I wasn't so much afraid of being hurt further, as I was of continuing to live in pain and shame. I decided that I was going to stand up and fight, even if it meant possibly drawing more challenges and grief into my life. As the song lyrics state, I just couldn't stand by and do nothing anymore. On a related note, I gave my friend a piece of advice. He's been struggling and I said that he could take some advice by how video game characters react to struggles. They take time to feel their emotions, work through things, talk about them, and then they keep on fighting. They always keep struggling.
On a related note, sometimes the struggle I have is to let go and let Heavenly Father step in to help with my life. Sometimes the struggle is to stand up for myself, even if it's something I haven't done in the past. Sometimes the struggle is to step into situations that are risky and unfamiliar. Sometimes it means battling my own thoughts to have thoughts that are elevated and uplifting.
On a personal note, things have been difficult lately. The procedure that I was worried about was far more pleasant than I imagined. I'm a bit sore from that. Outside of that, I've been fighting off the tail end of a cold. It also feels like I've been challenged in spiritual ways as well. But like I said before, I'm going to keep on fighting.
On a Slayers related note, my favorite character from the series is Xellos. This could be major spoilers. Technically, he should be a villain but often helps the heroes for his own reasons. He is very powerful, but likes to act via manipulation. He is very knowledgeable but he doesn't always share everything he knows with the heroes. One of his iconic lines is 'That's a secret'. In the later series, the characters start to say it for him. Hilarious!
Today's song comes from the opening of the Slayers NEXT series. The title is 'Give a Reason'. Alas, it's in Japanese, but I'll shared a link to it here:
I'd love to give the lyrics, but alas, they are in Japanese. I'll share part of a translation here:
Things are moving so fast
The moments ticking by.
I'm running through this city
To me, a savanna.
Like it's struggling
Trying to break free
I wanna test all this power.
I know that "The Answer"
Is out there someplace.
The answer that everyone looks for
From the day they're born.
When all looks lost and there's no escape
I turn to my dreams!
I'm not afraid of getting hurt
But I'm not strong, either.
It's just that I can't stand
Just doing nothing anymore.
Here we go, go!
I'll just run on
And let nobody stop me know.
I wanna find the me in the future
And give her a reason for life!
(Translation was taken from the close captioning for the series on www.hulu.com).
I love this song. It has a lot of energy and is very enthusiastic. It reminds me of a recent realization about myself that I've had: that I'm resilient and much more durable than I used to think I was. I've been through a lot, and I've yet to lay down and completely stop fighting and struggling. Even when I fall apart, I somehow find the strength to keep going through.
I had a really discussion with a friend about the fact that I've come out publicly on this blog. I realize that it was really risky situation. When I made the decision, I realized that I was tired of hiding behind masks, and that I was tired of doing nothing. I wasn't so much afraid of being hurt further, as I was of continuing to live in pain and shame. I decided that I was going to stand up and fight, even if it meant possibly drawing more challenges and grief into my life. As the song lyrics state, I just couldn't stand by and do nothing anymore. On a related note, I gave my friend a piece of advice. He's been struggling and I said that he could take some advice by how video game characters react to struggles. They take time to feel their emotions, work through things, talk about them, and then they keep on fighting. They always keep struggling.
On a related note, sometimes the struggle I have is to let go and let Heavenly Father step in to help with my life. Sometimes the struggle is to stand up for myself, even if it's something I haven't done in the past. Sometimes the struggle is to step into situations that are risky and unfamiliar. Sometimes it means battling my own thoughts to have thoughts that are elevated and uplifting.
On a personal note, things have been difficult lately. The procedure that I was worried about was far more pleasant than I imagined. I'm a bit sore from that. Outside of that, I've been fighting off the tail end of a cold. It also feels like I've been challenged in spiritual ways as well. But like I said before, I'm going to keep on fighting.
On a Slayers related note, my favorite character from the series is Xellos. This could be major spoilers. Technically, he should be a villain but often helps the heroes for his own reasons. He is very powerful, but likes to act via manipulation. He is very knowledgeable but he doesn't always share everything he knows with the heroes. One of his iconic lines is 'That's a secret'. In the later series, the characters start to say it for him. Hilarious!
Monday, February 13, 2012
The Woman In Black - Forgiveness
I just barely got back from watching "The Woman In Black". I really don't plan on reviewing movies in this blog post, but I want to share some brief plot points. I'll be hiding the next paragraph in a nice 'anti-spoiler' tag. If you don't mind being spoiled, or have seen the movie, you can highlight the text by using your mouse. Hitting Ctrl-A also works. If this is a foreign language, see your nearest computer geek for assistance.
The main plot point for "The Woman In Black" is about a woman, Jannette. Jannette is deemed to be mentally unstable, and her son is taken away from her by her sister. Sometime later, the son is travelling with his adopted parents and dies in a tragic accident: their carriage sinks in the mud. Jannette angrily declares that she will never forgive her sister, and that her sister never tried to save her son. Jannette hangs herself, and comes back as a ghost in black. Whenever someone visits her house, she kills a child in the local village. The main character thinks he resolves the issue by finding and returning Janette's son's body to Janette's grave, but ghost has already sworn that she will 'never forgive'.
I found it interesting that forgiveness, or the inability to forgive, played a large part in the movie. As I drove home, I started to think about two people that I judge I have hurt pretty deeply. No matter how much time has passed, I always feel like I want to tell them 'I'm sorry'. I'm sorry that things didn't turn out. I'm sorry I wasn't in the right place to make our relationship work out. One of these people is a girl that I dated in college. The other is a man that I called my best friend for awhile. With the girl, I kept dating her, expecting some kind of spark to happen in me, and for me to become attracted to her. I'd rather not go into the other story, far too personal and painful.
Anyways, as I drove home, I felt a great deal of pain. I realized that I was still struggling to forgive myself for it. On another note, I also realized I still have a lot of anger due to the incidents directed toward the other people. That probably extends from the pain of not being able to forgive myself. Honestly, I feel like a man divided. Instead of there being two equal pieces, I end up with two shadows. The scene in my head almost plays out like a scene from a play.
One part of me lie curled in a ball, trying to numb everything out. He rocks and tries to comfort himself. He says 'I'm sorry' over and over. He also says 'I can never forgive myself for what I've done'. In reality, he is the innocent one. Standing over him is Tumm. Tumm is dressed in black, as usual, with blood on his hands. He is the real one at fault in the situation. Tumm's duty is to draw boundaries, enforce them, and to understand what is going on with the other part of me, which is lying huddled on the ground. Tumm is pointing his finger, angrily, at me and at the people around me. He says 'It's all your fault!'. He points at me and says 'I can never forgive you. You're worthless. It's all your fault.'
As silly as it sounds, writing it out like that helps me to gain insight into what is going on, and how I can figure out how to heal myself. Tumm needs to accept the fact that he was also responsible for my actions. The other part needs to know that he didn't know what was going on, and that he was under a delusion of sorts. It's like I need to realize I'm both guilty and innocent at the same time. And ultimately, I need to forgive myself to find a sense of closure.
As an interesting irony, tomorrow is Valentine's day. On Valentine's day, four years ago, that girl sent me a note and asked me to a movie. That was the beginning of our dating relationship.
On a lighter note, I'm glad I was able to walk out of a horror movie with most of my sanity intact. The last horror movie I walked out of, I was terrified of the dark all the way home and for a few days afterward. The only side effects this movie had were: 1) my eyes constantly looking for the woman in black, either in windows, cars, down hallways, etc 2) me being terrified about the children I live with.
Oh, on another note, I don't recommend watching "The Woman In Black" if you have small children, especially if you're already pretty sensitive to horror movies. That being said, I will close up this blog post and get some sleep.
The main plot point for "The Woman In Black" is about a woman, Jannette. Jannette is deemed to be mentally unstable, and her son is taken away from her by her sister. Sometime later, the son is travelling with his adopted parents and dies in a tragic accident: their carriage sinks in the mud. Jannette angrily declares that she will never forgive her sister, and that her sister never tried to save her son. Jannette hangs herself, and comes back as a ghost in black. Whenever someone visits her house, she kills a child in the local village. The main character thinks he resolves the issue by finding and returning Janette's son's body to Janette's grave, but ghost has already sworn that she will 'never forgive'.
I found it interesting that forgiveness, or the inability to forgive, played a large part in the movie. As I drove home, I started to think about two people that I judge I have hurt pretty deeply. No matter how much time has passed, I always feel like I want to tell them 'I'm sorry'. I'm sorry that things didn't turn out. I'm sorry I wasn't in the right place to make our relationship work out. One of these people is a girl that I dated in college. The other is a man that I called my best friend for awhile. With the girl, I kept dating her, expecting some kind of spark to happen in me, and for me to become attracted to her. I'd rather not go into the other story, far too personal and painful.
Anyways, as I drove home, I felt a great deal of pain. I realized that I was still struggling to forgive myself for it. On another note, I also realized I still have a lot of anger due to the incidents directed toward the other people. That probably extends from the pain of not being able to forgive myself. Honestly, I feel like a man divided. Instead of there being two equal pieces, I end up with two shadows. The scene in my head almost plays out like a scene from a play.
One part of me lie curled in a ball, trying to numb everything out. He rocks and tries to comfort himself. He says 'I'm sorry' over and over. He also says 'I can never forgive myself for what I've done'. In reality, he is the innocent one. Standing over him is Tumm. Tumm is dressed in black, as usual, with blood on his hands. He is the real one at fault in the situation. Tumm's duty is to draw boundaries, enforce them, and to understand what is going on with the other part of me, which is lying huddled on the ground. Tumm is pointing his finger, angrily, at me and at the people around me. He says 'It's all your fault!'. He points at me and says 'I can never forgive you. You're worthless. It's all your fault.'
As silly as it sounds, writing it out like that helps me to gain insight into what is going on, and how I can figure out how to heal myself. Tumm needs to accept the fact that he was also responsible for my actions. The other part needs to know that he didn't know what was going on, and that he was under a delusion of sorts. It's like I need to realize I'm both guilty and innocent at the same time. And ultimately, I need to forgive myself to find a sense of closure.
As an interesting irony, tomorrow is Valentine's day. On Valentine's day, four years ago, that girl sent me a note and asked me to a movie. That was the beginning of our dating relationship.
On a lighter note, I'm glad I was able to walk out of a horror movie with most of my sanity intact. The last horror movie I walked out of, I was terrified of the dark all the way home and for a few days afterward. The only side effects this movie had were: 1) my eyes constantly looking for the woman in black, either in windows, cars, down hallways, etc 2) me being terrified about the children I live with.
Oh, on another note, I don't recommend watching "The Woman In Black" if you have small children, especially if you're already pretty sensitive to horror movies. That being said, I will close up this blog post and get some sleep.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Feeling Off 5Feb2012
Yesterday, I received an interesting e-mail from Innergold Weekly Boost. At the begging of the e-mail was this quote:
"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way. Something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life." -Fr. Alfred D'Souza
I read the e-mail before church and I was thinking about it as I sat in Sacrament meeting. For the last few mornings, I've been waking up feeling tired and with a nasty headache. This morning seems to be a repeat of the same trend. Perhaps part of my exhaustion is related to some odd dreams that I've had lately. Both of these occurred on Saturday night.
In one dream, I friend of mine that I know for a few years was saying critical things of me, over and over and over. I got tired of it, so I slammed a door shut on him. That same friend had posted something I thought was really annoying that previous Friday. I hid the post and then lowered my subscription level on that friend so that I wouldn't see as many of his updates. Another friend posted something about him hanging out with his 'BFF'. I hid that post because it was simply to triggering for me.
In another dream from Saturday night, a girl had caught a hold of my finger, and would not let get despite my protests. Yesterday in Sacrament meeting, the little girl that I live with always caught a hold of my finger and was using it to point at the words as she read. It was funny for awhile, but after a moment, I was done with it and tried to pull my finger away. It took some effort and brief protest on my part. A similar pattern was repeated in Sacrament and then after church with her as well.
I honestly feel a bit disturbed when my dreams seem to have basis in real life. I do hope some other parts of dreams I've had lately are not going to come true, although most of them seem to be based in things that have been on my mind. Body shame and desire to see what other men look like has been on my mind a lot. Probably explains why shirtless men have been showing up repeatedly in my dreams.
What I don't understand is the repeated feeling of headache, tiredness, and upset stomach. They all seem to be signs of stress. I have been thinking a lot lately. Work has been stressful in very odd ways. Some of it is a different work environment. I used to work on an LDS Church site and that is very different from the current place that I work. I also don't feel like I have very many friends at the current work site, or at least people I feel comfortable talking to besides my account manager, who is a very busy man. The co-worker that sits next to me bothers me in a few different ways. I find many of the other men I work with attractive but also distant.
There's also the stress about trying to figure out how to get my needs met healthily, live a life in the gospel, and still manage my feelings of attraction. I've been feeling quite a bit of frustration in that department. In the past when I've gotten healthy touch from guys, my feelings of attraction have literally vanished. Even though I received quite a bit this last weekend, the feelings are still present, and still bothering me. I also worry that this drive to receive healthy touch is leading me on the road to acting out. I find myself thinking that the touch I got wasn't 'enough'. I worry that will lead me closer and closer to doing something that I will regret later.
Back to the thought that started this post. I sat in sacrament meeting, with my headache and upset stomach, and realized that pain is one of those obstacles I've been allowing to impede me from feeling like I was living life and being happy. That's when a quote from Princess Bride entered into my head "Life is pain, princess". That simple reminder reminds me that life is mean to be a trial. I can't count the number of times I prayed for pain, both emotional and physical, to be taken away, and that prayer has not been answered. I've found myself praying for the strength to bear the pain, rather than for it to go away. After that, church was very good. I felt a sense of belonging there that I haven't felt before. It started to feel like some of the members cared for me.
Even with the realization, I feel off today. Yesterday, I found it hard to remember something as simple as my address. I felt slower than normal. Today, the same headache and upset stomach has been joined by gum pain. Sometimes I honestly worry that my body is falling apart, and I don't know quite what to do about that. I figure it may just be a phase, me getting sick, or simply part of the trail of life. It could also be some lingering shock from having my car towed.
I realize this post today was pretty random. When I don't feel well, I struggle to organize things coherently. A lot of it was things that have been on my mind and worrying me lately.
In one dream, I friend of mine that I know for a few years was saying critical things of me, over and over and over. I got tired of it, so I slammed a door shut on him. That same friend had posted something I thought was really annoying that previous Friday. I hid the post and then lowered my subscription level on that friend so that I wouldn't see as many of his updates. Another friend posted something about him hanging out with his 'BFF'. I hid that post because it was simply to triggering for me.
In another dream from Saturday night, a girl had caught a hold of my finger, and would not let get despite my protests. Yesterday in Sacrament meeting, the little girl that I live with always caught a hold of my finger and was using it to point at the words as she read. It was funny for awhile, but after a moment, I was done with it and tried to pull my finger away. It took some effort and brief protest on my part. A similar pattern was repeated in Sacrament and then after church with her as well.
I honestly feel a bit disturbed when my dreams seem to have basis in real life. I do hope some other parts of dreams I've had lately are not going to come true, although most of them seem to be based in things that have been on my mind. Body shame and desire to see what other men look like has been on my mind a lot. Probably explains why shirtless men have been showing up repeatedly in my dreams.
What I don't understand is the repeated feeling of headache, tiredness, and upset stomach. They all seem to be signs of stress. I have been thinking a lot lately. Work has been stressful in very odd ways. Some of it is a different work environment. I used to work on an LDS Church site and that is very different from the current place that I work. I also don't feel like I have very many friends at the current work site, or at least people I feel comfortable talking to besides my account manager, who is a very busy man. The co-worker that sits next to me bothers me in a few different ways. I find many of the other men I work with attractive but also distant.
There's also the stress about trying to figure out how to get my needs met healthily, live a life in the gospel, and still manage my feelings of attraction. I've been feeling quite a bit of frustration in that department. In the past when I've gotten healthy touch from guys, my feelings of attraction have literally vanished. Even though I received quite a bit this last weekend, the feelings are still present, and still bothering me. I also worry that this drive to receive healthy touch is leading me on the road to acting out. I find myself thinking that the touch I got wasn't 'enough'. I worry that will lead me closer and closer to doing something that I will regret later.
Back to the thought that started this post. I sat in sacrament meeting, with my headache and upset stomach, and realized that pain is one of those obstacles I've been allowing to impede me from feeling like I was living life and being happy. That's when a quote from Princess Bride entered into my head "Life is pain, princess". That simple reminder reminds me that life is mean to be a trial. I can't count the number of times I prayed for pain, both emotional and physical, to be taken away, and that prayer has not been answered. I've found myself praying for the strength to bear the pain, rather than for it to go away. After that, church was very good. I felt a sense of belonging there that I haven't felt before. It started to feel like some of the members cared for me.
Even with the realization, I feel off today. Yesterday, I found it hard to remember something as simple as my address. I felt slower than normal. Today, the same headache and upset stomach has been joined by gum pain. Sometimes I honestly worry that my body is falling apart, and I don't know quite what to do about that. I figure it may just be a phase, me getting sick, or simply part of the trail of life. It could also be some lingering shock from having my car towed.
I realize this post today was pretty random. When I don't feel well, I struggle to organize things coherently. A lot of it was things that have been on my mind and worrying me lately.
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