I have to say, it's been kind of an interesting ride since my last post. Christmas was great! I actually wasn't sick for once (although I did have a nasty headache, that doesn't count, right?). I've moved into a new ward, and it's been very interesting. It takes me awhile to warm up and make friends, so it's a matter of me continually trying to be there and be present.
This last week has been pretty rough. After a visit with my therapist, my massage therapist, and a pretty vulnerable post to the ward's Facebook group, I was feeling the effects of a 'vulnerability hangover'. Yesterday, a co-worker brought up the whole BSA policy thing regarding homosexuals I will not get into the politics of it here. After our conversation, I was so upset, I had to leave work. I was crying really hard (I'm glad I got home in one piece). I spent the rest of the day exhausted. Things are now resolved and much better at work now. Honestly, I think it was just another blessing. It helped me get in touch with some sadness I've been ignoring for the past year or two.
That being said, the song I want to share today is all about enduring and holding on. I know the Savior frequently holds out his hand to me. Weathering the storm requires that I keep on holding on to it. Enjoy!
Showing posts with label Sadness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sadness. Show all posts
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Friday, June 1, 2012
If You Only Knew
Just as a disclaimer, this post is more referring to my thoughts. It isn't directed toward any one particular person. In fact, it's more directed toward many different people. Mostly, it's me just venting things that come on my mind that I feel like giving a voice.
****
If you only knew what went on inside my head. What if you knew that I was attracted to you? What if you knew that my eyes tended to wander to you? What if you knew that I liked how you look? What would you do? Would you shun me? Reject me? Be afraid and awkward around me? How I wish at times that I could just touch you and not feel uncomfortable about it, to reach out and connect and not accuse myself of acting on lust. You may never know how good it is to see you smile at me. You may never know how I felt that time you randomly came up and rubbed my shoulder, or patted me on the back. You may never know how enamored I became with you, or how secretly obsessed I became with you. If you did know, would you still act the same around me? What if you knew I wanted to hug you? Or that I enjoyed the feel of your arms around me?
If you only knew, how I felt with you around. How afraid I was because of the feelings I had for you. Or how little I cared for what you were saying, or even for you. How afraid I feel that you would found out how little I really cared for you. Or how sad I was that we couldn't connect. Or sometimes the wild fantasies I have with you in them. Or how many times I wondered what you looked like without a shirt on. Or how hesitant I am to spend time with you because of how attracted I feel for you. Or how many times I questioned if I was trying to be my friend because I liked you or because I "liked" you.
If you only knew how I felt the last time I saw you. The shock at seeing you, the grief, the fear, the rage. How I watched you to avoid you. How I felt the piercing anger of your glare. How distraught I felt afterward. How much seeing you remind me of my past and how manipulative I've been in the past and my fear that I continue to live and breathe the same lies that have cloaked from so early in my life.
If you only knew how misunderstood I felt, or the pain I've felt. Or how many times I've let my unrealistic expectations get dashed. Or how many times I haven't cared. Or how many times I've cried over you, or over me wanting to connect with you. Or how many times I've felt like shaking my fist at the heavens only to find the finger of blame to be pointing at me.
I don't know if I could ever explain in words how much it means when you contact me or talk to me. The little inside jokes. The ability to say and act how I feel is right. Understanding when I feel down. If you only knew how much more I wish I could spend time with you or talk to you.
If you only knew.
****
Thanks for reading!
****
If you only knew what went on inside my head. What if you knew that I was attracted to you? What if you knew that my eyes tended to wander to you? What if you knew that I liked how you look? What would you do? Would you shun me? Reject me? Be afraid and awkward around me? How I wish at times that I could just touch you and not feel uncomfortable about it, to reach out and connect and not accuse myself of acting on lust. You may never know how good it is to see you smile at me. You may never know how I felt that time you randomly came up and rubbed my shoulder, or patted me on the back. You may never know how enamored I became with you, or how secretly obsessed I became with you. If you did know, would you still act the same around me? What if you knew I wanted to hug you? Or that I enjoyed the feel of your arms around me?
If you only knew, how I felt with you around. How afraid I was because of the feelings I had for you. Or how little I cared for what you were saying, or even for you. How afraid I feel that you would found out how little I really cared for you. Or how sad I was that we couldn't connect. Or sometimes the wild fantasies I have with you in them. Or how many times I wondered what you looked like without a shirt on. Or how hesitant I am to spend time with you because of how attracted I feel for you. Or how many times I questioned if I was trying to be my friend because I liked you or because I "liked" you.
If you only knew how I felt the last time I saw you. The shock at seeing you, the grief, the fear, the rage. How I watched you to avoid you. How I felt the piercing anger of your glare. How distraught I felt afterward. How much seeing you remind me of my past and how manipulative I've been in the past and my fear that I continue to live and breathe the same lies that have cloaked from so early in my life.
If you only knew how misunderstood I felt, or the pain I've felt. Or how many times I've let my unrealistic expectations get dashed. Or how many times I haven't cared. Or how many times I've cried over you, or over me wanting to connect with you. Or how many times I've felt like shaking my fist at the heavens only to find the finger of blame to be pointing at me.
I don't know if I could ever explain in words how much it means when you contact me or talk to me. The little inside jokes. The ability to say and act how I feel is right. Understanding when I feel down. If you only knew how much more I wish I could spend time with you or talk to you.
If you only knew.
****
Thanks for reading!
Friday, February 3, 2012
My (Mis)Adventures - 3Feb2012
I honestly can't think of a better word for what happened tonight.
Honestly, it started out pretty calm. I went to Jamba Juice after work. Tried out a banana berry flavor smoothing and came home. No one was home and it smelled faintly like poopy diapers (probably my imagination). I turned on the computer and started watching the last two episodes of Slayers Try. I was planning on meeting up with a friend after he got out of work.
5 minutes from the end of the last episode, the friend calls me up and I'm soon speeding my way to the place where we were going to meet. I ran into some heavy traffic, and finally arrived at the place I thought was the right one: Ichiban Sushi. I go inside and I don't see my friend anywhere in the place. That's when I call him up and realize the location is on the other side of State St. So, I quickly pop a U-turn and I find the place. I can't see any parking nearby so I pull into an open spot in the parking lot next to the sushi place we were meeting: Red Ginger. I walk in, find my friend. Order, enjoy the meal and the conversation (actually it was pretty one sided because I felt kind of shy about talking about myself). I walk out with the intention of going to his place to chat with him.
I walked to where my car was and had to do a double take. My car had...transformed? No, it was missing. There was another Prius nearby. Did they move my car? No, it wasn't my beloved Synthia. That's when I realized my car may have been stolen. I called up my friend (who thankfully hadn't left). And I searched the parking lot and found the small towing sign that said something to the effect of 33rd Plaza, towing by so and so towing company. The sign was no bigger than my license plate. Now, I've been to that plaza many times and I've NEVER seen that towing sign before. NEVER. Anyways, I call up the tow company, in a panic, and figure out where they are and how much I'll have to pay. $246.50. Borderline basketcase, I get in my friends car, talking a mile a minute. At this point, a man approaches the car asking us for some money and my friend obliged. We drove to a nearby ATM, went backwards through the lane (so that I could reach it), and I managed to extract the money without losing my debit card (it's happened before!).
Then we went to my friends place and had a very pleasant and interesting chat. Finally, it was time so I went back to the tow place. It was a bit of an adventure to find because the building they had wasn't right at the streets edge. We had to drive through the parking lot of a different tow company in order to find the one that had my beloved Synthia. I got inside, and there were about 3 people waiting for cars in front of me. Seriously, the one people kept asking questions and I about had an aneurism. At this point I realized again how grateful I was that I had paid Synthia off last December. Finally, I paid the money, signed all the forms, and got back to my car.
I can't quite explain the feeling of relief at sitting in the driver's seat. And the comforting, familiar feel of the seat against my back, and the feel of the shifter. I was pleased. I wanted to inspect my car for any possible damages, so I pulled out onto the street, called up my friend to tell him, and got out of my car to check it out. Everything looked good, and the tail light that randomly shorts out was even on (I've been pulled over for that 3 times in the last year). I walked up to my friend, and gave him a pat on the shoulder and thank him for his help. He put his car in gear, and it made me nervous because he didn't seem to quite know which gear he was in (he was in a rental). At this point, I jokingly ran off to go hide in my car.
My friend drives off. I reach over to tweet one last time how happy I am to have my car back, when the police lights started to shine in my rear view window. I was seriously reaching to shift into drive when it happened! The officer asked me what I was doing. I said I was just about to head out, and that I had just retrieved my car from the tow company. The officer said he saw me hand my friend something and then run away. I told him I had just patted him on the shoulder. After showing him my license and my tow company paperwork, the officer thanked me for my cooperation and then let me go. At that point, I decided the best thing to do was leave the scene as quickly as possibly. I got home without event and managed to fuel up my car. As I pulled out of the gas station, I had to pull in behind a Sheriff. At this point, I was begging the Sheriff to ignore me and pull someone else over.
I feel so many feelings over the course of the night. I felt rage, anger, sadness, shock, fear, numbness, and tired. I also felt contentment and safety with my friend.
I am grateful to have passed through the school of hard knocks relatively unscathed. I will not be visiting that little plaza at 33rd and State for a long time. I'm grateful that I had a great friend that stuck with me and helped me not go crazy. I'm also grateful that I paid my car off. In short, I'm grateful that Heavenly Father placed that friend in my life at that time.
In short, I had an adventurous night. One that I hope is never topped in a looooong time.
Honestly, it started out pretty calm. I went to Jamba Juice after work. Tried out a banana berry flavor smoothing and came home. No one was home and it smelled faintly like poopy diapers (probably my imagination). I turned on the computer and started watching the last two episodes of Slayers Try. I was planning on meeting up with a friend after he got out of work.
5 minutes from the end of the last episode, the friend calls me up and I'm soon speeding my way to the place where we were going to meet. I ran into some heavy traffic, and finally arrived at the place I thought was the right one: Ichiban Sushi. I go inside and I don't see my friend anywhere in the place. That's when I call him up and realize the location is on the other side of State St. So, I quickly pop a U-turn and I find the place. I can't see any parking nearby so I pull into an open spot in the parking lot next to the sushi place we were meeting: Red Ginger. I walk in, find my friend. Order, enjoy the meal and the conversation (actually it was pretty one sided because I felt kind of shy about talking about myself). I walk out with the intention of going to his place to chat with him.
I walked to where my car was and had to do a double take. My car had...transformed? No, it was missing. There was another Prius nearby. Did they move my car? No, it wasn't my beloved Synthia. That's when I realized my car may have been stolen. I called up my friend (who thankfully hadn't left). And I searched the parking lot and found the small towing sign that said something to the effect of 33rd Plaza, towing by so and so towing company. The sign was no bigger than my license plate. Now, I've been to that plaza many times and I've NEVER seen that towing sign before. NEVER. Anyways, I call up the tow company, in a panic, and figure out where they are and how much I'll have to pay. $246.50. Borderline basketcase, I get in my friends car, talking a mile a minute. At this point, a man approaches the car asking us for some money and my friend obliged. We drove to a nearby ATM, went backwards through the lane (so that I could reach it), and I managed to extract the money without losing my debit card (it's happened before!).
Then we went to my friends place and had a very pleasant and interesting chat. Finally, it was time so I went back to the tow place. It was a bit of an adventure to find because the building they had wasn't right at the streets edge. We had to drive through the parking lot of a different tow company in order to find the one that had my beloved Synthia. I got inside, and there were about 3 people waiting for cars in front of me. Seriously, the one people kept asking questions and I about had an aneurism. At this point I realized again how grateful I was that I had paid Synthia off last December. Finally, I paid the money, signed all the forms, and got back to my car.
I can't quite explain the feeling of relief at sitting in the driver's seat. And the comforting, familiar feel of the seat against my back, and the feel of the shifter. I was pleased. I wanted to inspect my car for any possible damages, so I pulled out onto the street, called up my friend to tell him, and got out of my car to check it out. Everything looked good, and the tail light that randomly shorts out was even on (I've been pulled over for that 3 times in the last year). I walked up to my friend, and gave him a pat on the shoulder and thank him for his help. He put his car in gear, and it made me nervous because he didn't seem to quite know which gear he was in (he was in a rental). At this point, I jokingly ran off to go hide in my car.
My friend drives off. I reach over to tweet one last time how happy I am to have my car back, when the police lights started to shine in my rear view window. I was seriously reaching to shift into drive when it happened! The officer asked me what I was doing. I said I was just about to head out, and that I had just retrieved my car from the tow company. The officer said he saw me hand my friend something and then run away. I told him I had just patted him on the shoulder. After showing him my license and my tow company paperwork, the officer thanked me for my cooperation and then let me go. At that point, I decided the best thing to do was leave the scene as quickly as possibly. I got home without event and managed to fuel up my car. As I pulled out of the gas station, I had to pull in behind a Sheriff. At this point, I was begging the Sheriff to ignore me and pull someone else over.
I feel so many feelings over the course of the night. I felt rage, anger, sadness, shock, fear, numbness, and tired. I also felt contentment and safety with my friend.
I am grateful to have passed through the school of hard knocks relatively unscathed. I will not be visiting that little plaza at 33rd and State for a long time. I'm grateful that I had a great friend that stuck with me and helped me not go crazy. I'm also grateful that I paid my car off. In short, I'm grateful that Heavenly Father placed that friend in my life at that time.
In short, I had an adventurous night. One that I hope is never topped in a looooong time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)