Have I Given Up?

While playing a game the other day, another player dealt me a pretty nasty blow, that left me in a rather crippled position.  Rather than stick it out to see if I could still somehow manage to scrape through the game, I opted to leave at that moment, mostly because I wasn't enjoying the game all that much (being behind in a game can make me irritable at times).  At the time, I thought of how manly I was at speaking my mind and cutting my losses.  Afterward, I felt very guilty for leaving the game the way I did (in a huff).  Somehow, it made me feel like how I approach life: if things get difficult, there's a good chance I'm going to simply give up on the thing, even if it's something good for me.  Friend gets married, I give up.  Too hard to continue interacting with them.  Friend moves away.  Give up.  Too hard.

I'm saying this, because I feel like I've 'given up' in a sense on my healing journey.  I'm exhausted.  I'm worn out.  I regularly engage in numbing and isolating behavior   I build emotional walls between me and the people I spend time with.  Two years ago and two months, I went to Journey Into Manhood.  I was regularly talking with people.  I had a good friendship with another man forming.  I was participating in a community, reaching out to other men.  Giving, growing, and learning.  I was connecting and getting my male to male needs met.  I was even starting to feel sparks of attraction toward a girl I've known since elementary school.

Fast forward a year.  I was barely even talking to this friend.  I had deeply distanced myself from him.  I was slipping into depression.  I had given up on our friendship because it had become very difficult and painful for me (I was overdependent on him).  Fast forward another year.  I came close to acting out with a good friend of mine.  I acted out with four other times with men.  I nearly gave up going to church multiple times.  My depression worsened and I started taking medication.  I grew very isolated.  I've become bitter.  My same gender attraction has become very strong.  I feel a sense of shame as I compulsively check out people to see if they are attractive.  I struggle daily with inappropriate thoughts that are highly distracting.  In short, I almost feel like I've given up.

On a surface level, I try to look confident, as un-needy as possible.  I try to appear aloof.  I often get snappy.  I'm nearly always tired.  Inside, I just want to cry, or act out, or have the nearest object of my lust hold me and help me feel loved.  Guilt and shame seem to be with me nearly every waking moment.  I struggle with feeling connected.

I feel like I'm stuck between two choices: continue to resist (and struggle with acting out), or simply give in.  Honestly, the latter is highly undesirable.  I know there is at least one more choice: open up.  Start to connect again and let the wounds heal.  Forgive, and let the poison seep out.  It...it feels very difficult to open up.  Two years ago, it was very natural, if scary for me.  Now, it is so terrifying I clam up at the thought of doing it.

On the bright side, I've also felt a stirring in my breast.  I've felt the Spirit working on me.  I've had moments where my selfishness abates and I feel genuine pain, empathy, and caring toward other people.

It means I haven't quite given up yet, despite how hard the journey is.  Still, I'm afraid of opening up and being vulnerable.  Almost mortally afraid.  I know it can hurt again.

Music That I Like - Blessings by Laura Story

I haven't posted in awhile.  My depression seems to have flared up and it's hard to feel anything.  I've been able to focus more and work the last few days.  Yesterday, I felt myself being mired in bitterness and in resentment.  Resentment toward God and toward me having same gender attraction.  Resentment that my society considers any kind of emotionally intimated relationship between men to be sexual.  The list could go on and on.  I feel a lack of male connection in my life.  I've definitely been isolating, mostly out of habit.  My therapist gave me an 'assignment' to take initiative to do something with a friend at least once a week.  I'm going to see how that goes.

Anyways, the song from today really speaks to me.  Many times, I've found myself 'crying in anger' at God and the world around me, and felt consumed by the hurt and bitterness that I have.  This song somehow touches me, and lets me know that God will find a way to use all my experiences to draw me to Him in love.  Somehow, this song can bypass the bitterness and the depression, and let me feel the longing I have for a connection with God.

Enjoy!



Lyrics:


We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?
[Taken from: http://www.songlyrics.com/laura-story/blessings-lyrics/]

A Glimpse Into The Madness 6Apr2012

Recently, I started using a website called 'Moodscope' that helps to track a persons mood each day. Today, I got the lowest score since I've started using it (15%).  Ironically, the site suggested that 'It could be useful to talk it all through with someone close'.  Oddly, I don't feel like there's anyone close.  I've pushed everyone away.  My defensive detachment seems to be set into a sense of overdrive.  I've been feeling a lot of confusion, despair, sadness, grief, fear bordering on paranoia.  I've been struggling with thoughts of acting out, browsing through peoples pictures, even feeling urges to walk by places to see if I can find any shirtless guys to stare out.  In short, I think that I'm a sort of death spiral.

In the core of the death spiral is a fear of vulnerability.  I know that is the root of the problem.  I'm afraid to open up to the people that I once felt close to.  I keep thinking that going to an in person support group really isn't changing anything.  I keep thinking that online support groups are useless.  I keep thinking that spending time with people in person, one on one, is largely a waste of time.  All because I'm afraid to open up.  I even think that putting out this blog post is a huge waste of time.

In person, I've grown tired of feeling verbally dumped on by other people.  I've grown tired of feeling like I have to tell other people to back off.  I've grown tired of hiding behind a mask of humor and hilarity when I'd really prefer just curling up in a ball and crying.  I've grown tired of lying about how I really feel.  I've grown so tired of seeing other people as objects and not people, and feeling the same way about myself.

With support groups, I've definitely become very passive when it comes to reaching out.  In a sense, I've grown so tired of trying to make friends there in the past that I really don't care anymore.  I spend all the time waiting for someone to come to me rather than seeking out friendship.  In the past, I've felt like I haven't been able to establish the sort of friendship I want.  Either the other person seems cool, distant, and intellectual, or something happens that doesn't make me feel safe.  Sometimes I do open up to the other person, and I think that the other person isn't willing to do the same.  It's honestly been driving me mad.

With the online support groups, it either feels like a place for humor or debate.  I hardly feel safe sharing things personal any more.  When I have put up what was basically a cry for help, I feel life I've been ignored or given unwanted advice.  Some people have responded with empathy, but it doesn't ever seem to amount to anything.  I'm too afraid to continue to be open.

In relation to the blog, I think that no one ever reads it.  Sure, I see stat counters go up, every so often I have someone talk to me in person about it.  Every so often, I see a comment on it.  It makes me start to wonder, what is it that I'm looking for?  Why am I not happy with how things are?

The truth is, I've been hurting pretty badly.  I've been feeling the need for connection to the people around me, yet I've sabotaged all my attempts to really connect to people.  Yesterday, I was driving home along my usual route.  There is a turn in the freeway.  I glanced out straight and saw all the open space and wondered how wonderful it would feel to fly away from it all.  It was then that I realized how easy it would be to simply turn my car into the barrier and try to end my life.

This is a cry for help.  I feel pessimistic about it.  Even if it is responded to, will I accept the response or will I continue to deflect those people who do try to be my friend until I am ultimately alone?  I'm pretty sure I'm crazy.  And this post is definitely proof of it.  I've been praying, and I definitely feel like I could use more.

P.S. (added at 1:36 PM):
I am feeling a great deal different now.  I will still keep up this post as an authentic and honest post of the negative thinking trap I was in.  I have so many people who love me, admire me, and appreciate me.  I am loved.

I want you to know that you are loved as well!  There is healing and there is hope.  Reach out and reach up and there will be hands there waiting anxiously to grasp yours.

I love you all.  Thanks.

Insight 28Mar2012

It's been a pretty interest past week for me.  I've been gaining a lot of interesting insights into me and life in general.  Some of them were shared in the 'Worth of Tools' post I made last week.  Here's a list of some more that I've gotten.

In talking with my sister:

Repentance is more than changing behavior.  Repentance is changing how I think.  How I think is really the sum of who I am.  It's what really matters at the end of the day.  How I look is temporary, but how I think about how I look has much more significance and importance.

In talking with a man from the ward:

Labels and stigma only divide.  If we are to 'mourn with those who mourn', we need to be united.

In talking with my therapist:

Friendships are not based off of the two friends using each other.  It's based off of the two people sharing what they like with each other.  It's based off of two people reaching out to support and help each other.

My therapist and I talked about how common interests often help draw friends together.  I tried to compare two different people I knew.  One of them, I enjoy spending time with.  The other, I don't like spending time with.  I have things in common with both of them.  The difference is that one friend seems to give and share.  The other seems to take and drain.  Probably explains why one friendship still seems viable and I need space from the other person.

Isolation is something that has hurt my ability to make friends.  If I'm not sharing or being open to other people, how am I to make friends?

We talked about my Elder's Quorum president a bit.  I stated that I had written a letter to him, talking about how I had same gender attraction.  My therapist suggested that I would need to talk to him in person, and that it would be a form of conflict.  I said that it was more me taking a risk and being vulnerable.  He then smiled and stated that the conflict was with myself, rather than with the Elder's Quorum president.  That's when I remarked back, half joking, but half truthfully that I was tired all the time because I was always in conflict with myself.

One of the most powerful insights I got from the therapist was that I was trying to derive a sense of self worth from being touched  rather than having the touch affirm or validate my value.  As I talked with another friend, I realized that I craved touch and become addicted in a sense to it because I must have a sense of self worth.  If I don't feel of worth without being touched, I'm going to be constantly pursuing touch.  On the other hand, if my worth is independent of that, then I can simply enjoy receiving touch, without it determining if I'm of worth or not.

It may be a bit jumbled, but those are some insights I've gotten into myself and life.  I hope you enjoy!

A Glimpse Into The Madness 27Feb2012

It's 11:30.  Normally, I'd be sound asleep by now.  Ironically, I had all the electronics and I was pleasantly reading a book and texting a friend of mine.  Oddly, our conversation stirred up some very deep, painful issues of mine.  To help me sleep, I'm going to be blogging about it here.

For the past eight months, I feel like I've been slipping slowly into a kind of madness or into a state of numbness where I don't feel anything.  I've found myself in a frenzy, moving from one activity to the other, like I was trying to run away from something.  Other times, I found me trying to bury myself in video games, or books to read, or endless Facebook updates, trying to ignore or numb away something I'd been feeling.  Sometimes I've turned to more potent numbing agents, like masturbation.  All of this to try to avoid feeling one thing.

Pain.

Working backward from right now, where I do feel the pain and the sadness.  I can see that my actions lately have made me feel like I'm slippy closer and closer toward acting out sexually with another man.  I can see that I've been putting myself into increasingly more compromising situations.  The cycle is very slow, generally every few months.  I feel like I've been getting very close to a breaking point of sorts.

The root cause? Last year I was in a very close friendship.  I shared a lot with this other man.  I struggled with having romantic feelings on and off.  I started to become very overdependent on him for getting my emotional needs met.  To make a long, painful story short, the friendship eventually fell apart and I had to distance myself from him.

Since then, I don't think I've ever fully recovered from it.  I've withdrawn and isolated my heart to being hurt further.  I've taken steps to numb myself from the pain, which only seems to make the pain feel even worse.  I've noticed that it's been difficult to feel like I have and friends, even friends that are close.  I've felt like there is no one that I can trust.  I don't even feel like I can trust myself, or my own motives.  I feel like I've been playing more and more with fire, and that eventually I'm going to get burned by it, unless I can find another solution.

Pain has been a reoccurring companion for me in my life.  I remember crying myself to sleep at nights when I was younger because I didn't feel like anyone liked me and that I didn't have any friends.  The feeling has continued with me as I've grown older.  I realize that my perceptions are horrifically tainted and twisted by the beliefs I have about myself: that I am unlovable, and not worth the notice of others.  Sadly, I've turned this belief against others.  Many times, a friendship has taken root in my heart, only to later be blasted by my anger and by my inability to love the other person.  I've often felt like my heart was a lonely, desolate place where no one else was.  Many times, it's been like Tumm has rampaged and destroyed everything, only to ultimately curl up in a ball in the center of the blast radius and go completely numb.  I honestly feel like the cycle of destruction and attempted rebirth has gone on far too long in my life.  It would be nice for a friendship to grow, become strong, and stay alive in my heart.  Sometimes I think my heart just isn't fertile enough for it.  I've always thought that friendships were hard to form.  Now I'm beginning to think I may be the difficult person to be a friend with.

The pain is often frustrating for me.  I have tried to pray many times for it to be removed.  I've even tried to surrender it.  I feel like I need to give up on both.  Neither has made the pain stop.  I find myself praying increasingly more in order to have the strength to bear the pain I've been given to bear.

At the root of the madness are number of competing and fighting ideas and desires.  On one hand, there is a part of me that so desperately wants to be loved.  On another, there is a part that wants to be free from pain and suffering and that doesn't want to hurt any more.  The part that desires freedom from pain says that in order to have love, I will have to open up and risk being hurt.  The same part decides to keep me guarded and isolate from others.  The other part cries out so desperately to feel loved that it often comes out in ways I can't control.  Sometimes that part of me starts to listen to the lie that the only way I will be loved is if I am loved sexually by another.

I can see but one path that may lead me back to sanity.  I have many safe places to embrace vulnerability and let my pain be shown.  Perhaps there, I can finally step into my pain more fully, and allow myself to feel truly loved again.

Worries - 20Feb2012

Worry is quite the interesting beast.  He's been paying me visit very often lately.  There's been a number of things that I've been worried about.  It feels like I have a huge long list of things that have been on my mind lately.

1) I'm worried that I'm in some sort of deep numbness.  I've been actually received some healthy touch lately, and I noticed it hasn't felt quite the same way.  It's almost like I'm walled off against it.  I know I may have some unprocessed trauma around it.  It isn't something I'm willing to post up here in public.  Part of this worry is that I know touch is a very important thing for me.  I still feel like I want it, yet it doesn't seem to help when I do get it.

2) Related to item 1, I noticed that my emotions have been very muted lately, especially ones related to bonding and connection with other people: feeling loved, happiness, peace.  I have felt some strong feelings of happiness, peace, and anger.  Sadness seems to be oddly absent.  I think the last time few times I remember feeling strong emotions was at the therapist and when I was at the temple.  This could possibly be a by-product of being sick.  Or it could just be a pattern of me detaching from myself.

3) The big worry in my sights right now is a medical test that I am having this week.  I can't remember if I posted about the chest pains I've had while working out, or sometimes even while resting.  I performed a heart stress test, and my heart is fine.  The doctor said it was probably heartburn, so I've been taking a medication for that.  Still, the pain has persisted, along with other strange things.  I can feel food get 'stuck' in my esophagus. Sometimes my throat will seize up, or go into painful spasms.  So, I'm going to get an EGD.

An EGD, or esophagogastroduodenoscopy, is basically where they stick a camera down the person's thraot.  I've never had one before, but I've had plenty of horrifying fantasies about it since I first heard of it.  I was feeling very nervous and terrified when I first heard about it.  Oddly, it's isn't so bad since I learned they will put me under some form of anesthesia.  The big worry about it now is paying for it.  I don't have money problems frequently, but when I do, it usually causes me to panic.  Oddly, I feel very detached from the feeling of panic, but I still find myself trying to calculate how much the procedure will cost and how I'm going to pay for it.

4) On top of all of this, I keep finding myself engaged in what I call 'deviant' behavior.  It can be anything from fantasizing about a man, obsessing over them, finding myself looking for triggering pictures, avoiding people that I feel attracted to, or trying to hide myself from the world.  It's basically a set of unhealthy behaviors that lead me to not feeling connected with the people around me.   This deviant behavior is paired with an obsession over friendship and not feeling like I'm close to anyone.

When I take an honest look, I think all of these things I'm worried about are connected.  The fear and worry over the procedure could be shorting out my feelings.  That makes me feel like I'm not close to anyone, and leads me to seek that out.  Because my feelings aren't working properly, I don't feel like I'm connected and I'm driven to the unhealthy behaviors to try to feel something.  Sadly, I'm not quite sure how to break out of the cycle.  Thankfully, I have a visit with my therapist tomorrow.  Hopefully he can help me sort out parts of it.

I would also appreciate your prayers for the procedure this Wednesday.  I'm going to need all the help and assurance I can get.  Thank you.

The Issue Cycle 13Feb2012

This last week was a really interesting one for me.  Thankfully, none of it involved a tow truck or a police car.  It was just like I was noticing each and every last male that was even remotely attractive to me.  It really bothered me for a good part of the week, especially since some of my co-workers fall into that category.  Thankfully, I took the day off Friday to get a small reprieve from that.  I've also been noticing how often my thoughts have turned to lust, or how often I find myself indulging in fantasy.  I honestly don't know if this is due to an increase of temptations or if I'm simply becoming more and more aware of my thoughts and my attractions.  I do feel like I'm starting to gain more control over my thoughts.

Anyways, I noticed this morning that a different issue of mine was starting to come up.  I felt like I looked at my life and felt like I didn't have any close friends.  I realized that this is partially a lie on my part.  I have many friends that I can talk to, many people who are safe to share intimate and very personal things.  I just don't understand why something like this keeps coming up.  It could partially be to the fact that I have a tendency to push people away, even when they do get close to me.

I then realized that my issues tend to go through cycles.  I've started to see themes and patterns emerge with thing that I 'deal with'.  Similar issues tend to come up over and over.  Each issue tends to take it's turn on the 'top' of the heap.

Here's a small list:

Touch.  This one tends to be on the quite a bit.  I've often felt the desire to be held by another person.  Lately, I've also been getting desires to hold some friends of mine.  I don't know if it's an attempt to comfort them, or to shelter them.  One of my fears around this is that it's an attempt to try to take away their problems.  On a more positive note, it could be a desire to give to other men what I feel I need.  I've had some very positive and uplifting experiences related to touch and holding, so this issue doesn't seem to be on the top quite as much lately.

Nudity/Body Image.  One of the biggest struggles of the past week seemed to be based around nudity or even how other men look.  I found myself wanting to look, almost obsessively, at other men that I found attractive.  It was like part of me wanted to figure out what it was I was looking for in them.  I also found myself analyzing new men to see if I felt attracted to them or not.  In some cases, I found myself wondering what they would look like unclothed in various degrees.  Those sorts of thoughts unfortunately would quickly lead to inappropriate fantasies many times.  This is an issue that I'm not quite sure how to address.  I feel like I have made some progress with this 'issue', yet it is obvious there still is more work to be done.  Largely, this could be boiled down to either my own body shame, or perhaps just a natural curiosity about what men look like.

Friendship.  Friendship is the one that seems to be on the top most recently.  I see two guys walking down the street together and imagine that they're best of friends.  They're buddies.  They do everything together.  I find myself really wanting something like that.  I look at interactions between men at church, work, or in other places and I judge that they are warm and friendly with each other, and I find myself craving interactions like that or interactions with those men.  I've found myself many times looking at all of my friends and not feeling like there was anyone I was close to.  It makes me wonder what I judge a 'close friendship' to be.  There are many men I share personal things with, yet I don't feel close to those men.  It could be a part of my defensive detachment.  I could emotionally/mentally/behaviorally push men away when they get to close.  The defensive detachment could largely come from feeling hurt by different men in the past (whether they intended to or not).  It could also still be some burnout from my last few attempts at establishing a close friendship with another man.

To speak more of the friendship, I realized last night that I give some men great power to be able to hurt me, to make or break me.  I find that I can grow very dependent, in a sense, to men that I am attracted to.  If they interact positively with me, then everything is great.  If they interact negatively with me, then the world is coming to an end.  The whole thing is not a very healthy thing for me.  It often leads me to feeling hurt.

On another note, I think that friendship is largely based on reciprocation.  I know of many people, both male and female, that have tried to interact with me and share about themselves.  For whatever reason, I have felt like I don't want to share on the same level back.  On the other hand, there are men that I want to share about myself with them and be close to them, but I've felt like they don't want the same thing back.  Even though I realize that it's probably not meant to be personal, I often find myself resenting the man.  I feel hurt, bitter, and angry for a time, and then I find myself trying all over again.  It honestly makes me afraid that seeking out a close friendship with another man is a fool's dream.  Or, I'm afraid that there is something wrong with me that leads to these men not wanting to be close to me.  Maybe there's something about the way I act and share that scares other men away.  Perhaps my expectations are too high.  Perhaps my idea of a close friendship isn't an accurate one.  Or maybe I just keep pushing men away before they have a chance to get close.  Maybe I move too fast and share too much.

I don't know the answer to the friendship thing.  Relationships are complicated, because there are two different people involved.  All I know is that it's the issue that seems to be on 'top' right now.

Paths Laden With Fog

I've been coming to learn, or more accurately re-learn, a few things about myself lately.  Recently, I've been feeling pretty desperate for connection with other men.  Granted, I've been talking and reaching out more than normal.  I've even told a number of my friends about me, just in case they weren't following this blog.  The desperation still wasn't being alleviated.  There's a few simple facts that seem to contribute to this.

First off, my primary love language is touch (If you are unfamiliar with what a 'love language' is, see The 5 Love Languages site, it's also a book).  Because of that, my primary way of feeling and expressing love toward other people is through touch, and this very much focused around men, with very few exceptions for women, most of whom are in my family.  Most of the time, the expression has very little to do with lust or sexual desire.  Sometimes it's a simple expression that I like the person or value them as a friend.  Nothing more and nothing less.

This gets obviously frustrated by some aspects of American culture.  In my perception, we're not a very touchy-feely sort of people, at least out in public.  The same seems to be true when I visit church.  In my home ward (by home I mean parent's ward), the people are very good at shaking hands.  The last singles ward I was in, and this current ward don't seem to be very good at that, and I'm far too shy to even initiate that kind of contact.

Anyways, I was starting to feel desperate for some kind of physical contact with a man.  I can look back now and see how crazy I was, because I have a whole group of friends that are willing to give appropriate, safe, and bonding touch with me.  I told myself all sorts of lies to keep myself from asking them.  It led me to seeking the safe, appropriate sort of touch in a very dangerous environment.

As an interesting aside, I notice a pattern that emerges when I feel like my touch need isn't getting met.  I start to get the crazy notion that people will start spontaneously offering the kind of touch that I need or want.  I start to drop into a childlike state, where I expect the people around me to know what my needs are.  I basically tend to regress.  When my need isn't met (which happens very often because I'm not asking for help to get them met), I start to slip into a state of defensive detachment.  I get angry, and I feel lonely.  In an attempt to escape the pain of not having the need met, I seek out 'numbing agents' of sorts.  I turn to video games generally.  The sort of lull and trance they put me in provides a false sense of peace and comfort, yet always lead me to a sense of emptiness and loneliness.  When that isn't enough, I turn to stronger 'numbing agents': masturbation and pornography.  Like video games, they leave with a more profound feeling of emptiness and numbness.  In this state of numbness, I'm even less likely to ask for what I need.  It's a vicious downward spiral.

At my support group this week, I managed to touch both the pain and the feeling of emptiness and detachment.  It's amazing how familiar both of them feel.  I'm often not even conscious of it.  The detachment feels warm, familiar, old, and oddly peaceful.  Yet it also feels like I'm all alone in a dark room with no one else there.  The room is empty and vast.

As I discussed this at my support group, I realized that detachment and numbness is a choice I make.  It's a choice that leads me down a road that ends up with me curled up in a ball trying to shut everything else out.  It leads me to somewhere dark, lonely, yet safe.  As I talked, I also realized there were other paths.  There are other choices.  There are many different people to ask for help from.  All of the roads were covered in fog.  I couldn't determine their outcome.  The path to numbness, however, was quite clear.  I know where it would lead me.  I've taken it so many times, that the outcome is sure.

That aside, at support group I also recalled the last time I felt like I wanted some touch, specifically, I wanted to be held.  It was when I was having a talk with my dad about this blog post.  Forgive me other blog readers, but I'd like to address my dad personally.  Feel free to read as well!

Dad, I think you may remember the last time we got together and chatted about a blog post I had made, one about some past shameful lies I'd been believing for years.  Wow, this is hard, tears are already in my eyes.  I remember as we talked that I one point, I simply wanted you to reach out your arms and cradle me, and comfort me.  When I realized that, I almost immediately started to belittle/demean/talk down to myself about it.  'Why would an adult want to be held? I should be independent.  I shouldn't need this.  I shouldn't want this.'  Despite what I said, the desire was still there.  The pain was still there.  I wanted to connect.  I wanted to connect like a child would connect with his father.  I wanted to be held by you.  Yet, like a child, I found myself powerless to ask for what I wanted.  I found myself incapable of expressing the words.  Maybe because I was starting to feel, live, and act from a very young state, perhaps before I could even talk.  I've always wondered why I've struggled to connect with you.  I know I've been defensively detached from both you and Mom.  I'm starting to wonder if the problem and solution lie somewhere in the desire to be held by you, dad.  I somehow want to go back to where the defensive detachment started, attach, instead of detaching, and start unraveling years of me detaching myself from you.  Honestly, I feel afraid to ask for what I want.  I honestly don't know how you would take it, or even if you know how to hold me.  I don't even know how long it would take, or even if it would take more than one time of it happening.  There are many, many years of detachment.  Many years of me isolating myself from you.  I still think we can bridge the gap and heal this.  Honestly, the path is laden with fog.  All I know for now is there is a desire for me to be held by you.

Thank you for indulging me readers.  I feel nearly overcome inside with the sadness and the pain.  When I was a child, I didn't know what I needed.  I obviously felt a need to be safe, so I started to withdraw from my parents.  I honestly have no idea where it started.  All I know is that it worked at the time, and now, it isn't working as an adult.  To be withdrawn and detached from the people around me, means I can continue to be safe, but also broken, hurt, lonely, and ultimately, empty.  It also means that I defend myself from others attempts to truly love me.  It also extends to and disrupts my relationship with God.

The future paths are laden with fog.  I could continue to take the one familiar path, that leads me to loneliness.  I think it's time to start taking one of the fog laden ones and push through to see what's on the other side of the fog.

Oh, and a personal request.  If you know me, in person, I would definitely appreciate more hugs!  However that looks for you.

Thank you for reading.

Victimization, Defensive Detachment, And Tumm Arising

I couldn't think of a better title for this post.  I had a number of very powerful insights yesterday during my support group.  The day started out pretty bad and ended up being a lot better.

As I went to my support group, I finally got some insight into the fact that I have been victimizing myself quite a bit lately.  I pass a lot of time thinking basically 'Poor me!'  Instead of doing something about the problems and situations that are in front of me, I let myself languish in agony over past hurts and offenses.  I had been feeling lonely, but at the same time I was so focused on the fact that no one was talking to me, that I didn't reach out to talk to others.  I was lonely, and doing nothing but dwelling on the fact that I was lonely.  I was making myself a victim, a martyr if you will. 

During my support group, I realize this, and started to decide that I was tired of making myself the victim.  I was tired of taking the passive route in my life.  I was going to do something.  As I made this resolution, I discovered that my victimization and my defensive detachment are very closely intertwined.  When I become the victim, everyone around me turns into someone that has or will hurt me, and then I withdraw myself to keep myself "safe".  It's a pattern I've followed for so many years.  I've perpetuated the disconnection, the loneliness, and the pain by not connecting to the people around me.  In a sense, I was abusing myself and denying myself what I really needed.

It was interesting the surge of power that I have felt today.  I felt like I got things done!  I had some questions about a internet service providers service and I actually called them up rather than spending time trying to assume what it was like.  I took a step to correct a mistake that I had made.  When I found myself slipping into the 'poor me!' mindset, I quickly reminded myself that I am not a victim.

Sure, I may be hurt.  I may be broken on the inside.  I'm battered, bruised, and wounded.  That doesn't mean that I can't stand up and fight.  I still have my resilience and inner strength.  I can still stand my ground, and I still have the power to choose.  My gift of agency doesn't depend on anything being perfect in my life.  Like I overheard in Primary this last week at church, angency is the power to choose.  As I felt my 'inner Tumm' well up, I felt myself tapping into that power.  It was incredible.  Yesterday night and today are probably the few times in a long time where I've felt Tumm become more 'integrated' into me, instead of him being a totally separate part of me.  It's so weird to feel a 'steeling' of sort inside.  I don't think I've ever felt so strong.

It's been some incredible progress.

Going forward, I'm going to take a more proactive step to reach out for help.  I have many, many wonderful, caring, and loving friends who are willing to listen and help me work through things.

I also realize that this strength comes from my Heavenly Father.  He's the one that gave me the gift of agency and gave me the wonderful gift of life.  When I use this gift He's given me to follow His path, then His power flows through me to touch everything I touch.

Oh, and don't make Tumm angry.  He likes to throw around fire when he gets upset.



P. S. Tumm was first introduced in this post.

Underneath The Armor - A Status Update 11Jan2012

It's been about four days since I last posted on here.  The last major post that I made was basically claiming this blog as my own and putting my own name on it.  I basically put it out in the public that I experience same gender attraction and often struggle with it.

It's been an interesting and disappointing last few days.  So far, a number of people have commented on the blog post, some friends from college and a former co-worker.  Also, a few people from the SSA community have also talked to me about it.  Honestly, I was hoping for some other people to see and respond.  There are other people with whom I want to be more open and honest.  Yet, I'm still afraid to share myself with those people, especially about the attraction.  Even though it's 'out there' I'm still afraid of owning up to it in public.  The most I've tried is texting someone from the group and asking if they've read my blog.  All I've heard back was 'Yeah, I knew that you had a blog.'  That's about as far as I felt safe pushing on it.  Really, if a person does or doesn't read my blog, it's more of the other person's choice.  I feel like I've tried to make it public, and tried to share it.

On to the main topic of my post.  Lately, the weather here in Utah has taken a turn for the cold again, so I'm layering up.  This morning, after putting on my jacket and my coat, I honestly wished I could put on a mask or a faceguard of some kind.  I've been feeling very ashamed of how I've been feeling/thinking/acting lately.  I know that I'm not in a very good place, yet I'm too afraid to reach out for the help I need.  I find myself waiting for other people to do it first as if I expect everyone else to inherently know that things aren't going well with me.  I can probably count on one hand the number of people who have reached out to support me or at least reached out to contact me.

Lately, some people have been asking me 'Hey, how are you?' or any of it's variants or mutations.  They've asked me in a variety of places.  Honestly, the responses may very with how much I trust the person.  I've honestly put on a great deal of 'armor' or 'masks' lately to cover up what's really been going on.

So how am I doing?

Outer layer:
In the outermost layer, I'll probably smile, give a nod.  I'll say I'm doing 'alright' or 'good' or possibly even 'well' if I'm actually feeling good at the time.  In this layer, I generally hide a great deal of what's really going on.  I feel uncomfortable going in deeper, so I often move away or keep the topics of conversation at very superficial levels.

One layer down:
On this layer, I may actually honestly say if I'm doing well or not.  I may say 'I'm having a rough time' without going into details.  My smile may fade.  My eyes may begin to tell the truth of my story.  Even at this layer, I feel uncomfortable and unsafe with a good majority of people.

Two layers down:
On this layer, I may start to go into the details of what's been going on.  I may say 'I've been feeling sad/angry/lonely/depressed.'  Even my feelings cover up a great deal of what's been going on.

Three layers down:
Things start to get even more personal.  I share more details of what's going on.  I feel like an outsider at church.  I try to smile and be friendly, but it doesn't seem to help.  People don't seem to want to sit by me.  People at work seem to avert their gaze when I go by.  People don't seem to want to interact with me, unless I do so first.  On this layer, I point my finger in blame at the other people.  I start to tap into the pain that I feel most of the time.  I may admit that I feel attracted to other people.

Four layers down:
I realize that all the things I've been blaming other people for, are really my fault.  I say 'No one wants to sit with me at Elder's Quorum, because there's something wrong with me.'  On this layer, I tell myself there are things 'wrong with me'.  I honestly have a hard time expressing this to other people.  I honestly even have a hard time admitting that I tell myself these things.  On this layer, I may realize that the way other people act really has little to do with me and everything to do with them.  I'm more honest at this layer of who I'm attracted to and what attracts me about them.  I'm also honest about how my I am disgusted with myself, or how I put myself down over why I feel attracted to certain people.  I put myself down for the desires related to those attractions.

There are things that I am even afraid of speaking about publicly, in this blog.

How have I been doing? Honestly, I've been doing poorly lately.  I've been struggling with the basics of prayer and reading my scriptures.  I've been trying to pray, but sometimes I feel like I've been left to struggle through things on my own.  My work has changed lately, and I feel bored and even more alone.  I feel frustrated when I'm attracted to a person that I see either at work, in public, or in my support group.  I've been growing more isloated and withdrawn.  I've grown tired of listening to the voices in my head that cry out that other people have hurt me, left me, abandoned me.  I'm tired of asking myself 'Why won't anyone sit next to me?'  'Why don't people talk to me unless I talk to them first?'.  I've grown so tired of hearing my own personal demons hiss from other people's faces.

How have I been coping?  I've been trying to drown my woes in computer games, staying up late, eating chocolate.  I've been struggling against the temptation to look at triggering pictures.  I've been struggling with the habit of masturbation.  I've been struggling with fantasizing what it would be like to be with another man.

What is it I need?




Honestly, I'm not entirely sure.  Love.  I want to feel loved by the people around me.  I want to feel loved by Heavenly Father.  Maybe part of what I need is to stop sabotaging other people's attempts to love me.  I honestly think that I've been hiding from the hurt for so long, that opening up to feel loved is only going to bring up all that hidden hurt.  I'm afraid of it.  I run from it, yet it never leaves me.  It always is with me no matter what I do to try to numb it or drown it out.

This morning, a quote from a General Authority which says something like this 'Assume that the people around you are in distress, and you will often be right'.  It occurred to me on my drive in to work that other people are probably in just as much pain as I am.  People around me are probably struggling with loneliness, with attraction, with anger, with sadness, and with depression.  The people around me are also probably screaming out in pain, screaming out to be loved by the people around them as well.

That makes me think a number of things.  First, part of me wants to think I'm insane for asking to feel loved by the people around me.  If everyone is struggling just as much as I am, how am I supposed to expect them to go out of their way to express any kind of love for me?  Second, I deride myself for not reaching out to help lift other people more.  Third, I feel frustrated that when I have reached out, the other people have been to armored to respond.  I realize this has honestly a lot more to do with the other people than it has to do with me.  I'm not going to try to force a response out of people.  If I were to force another person, it would probably damage my relationship with the person, and wouldn't do them a whole lot of good.  In other words, forcing another person to open up would be more about me than it would be about the other person.  Fifth, I need to show more compassion for the people around me.  Honestly, I need to have more compassion for myself, and more patience.  I need to stop getting stuck in the trap of self-pity.

In summary, all I want is to feel loved and to love the people around me.  What impedes me are the demons, the lies that resound inside my head and the temptations that easily beset me.  I often get stuck so deeply in the trap of self-pity that I don't reach out for help, or I reject the attempts of people to try to reach out to me.  In short, I'm convinced that I've gone totally crazy in the head.  I honestly wonder if I should be locked up in a padded chamber so my craziness won't hurt me or anyone else.

If you're reading this, and you are struggling in some way, please take care of yourself.  Talk to the people that you love and trust.  Also, even if you are struggling or aren't, take time to reach out and show your love to the people around you.  It may look any number of ways.  Maybe it means writing a letter, or an e-mail, or sending a text.  Maybe it looks like putting your arm around someone.  Maybe it means being a shoulder to try on or a listening ear.  Maybe it means giving a person some space to breath.  Maybe it means trying to move in a bit closer and being a bit more honest with that person.  In any case, perhaps the person best to start with would be yourself.

Toxic Shame, Deep-set Lies

This will be a difficult post to write for me.  Not difficult because I'm afraid to share it.  Difficult because of the pain I know that it's going to touch on.  Once more, into the breach.

In my support group this week, I did something where I looked into events where I had felt shamed.  Sometime soon, I'll have to start up a series of posts called 'From the Memory Vault' where I share things from my past that I'm able to remember.  I actually have a draft for one, but I'm too afraid to share it.  I'm frankly worried about how I could explain it without the event becoming too pornographic.  Here's a list of some of the shameful memories that I was able to remember this week:

• In kindergarten, I colored a hand purple.  The teacher had me re-color it because it was the 'wrong color'.
• In kindergarten, my teacher found my lunch, raised it up, asked who's it was.  I raised my hand and she didn't see me, and it caused trouble later.
• I was forced to recount in front of the whole primary a time when I didn't come when my mother called
• At 8, I was told 'He shouldn't have gone in there!' by a man at the front desk of a military locker room, after I had gone in with my dad
• My dad telling me, at 8-9 years old, "If you were older, you would have needed to talk to a bishop"
• Various events with yelling and throwing of toys
• Me getting caught playing the Legend of Zelda early in the morning...Sunday morning
• Me getting in trouble for spitting on a girl

That was the list of memories of shame that I had from this group.  As a kid, these were some of the messages that I got:

• I don't belong here
• I'm not valued
• I don't belong with men
• I don't matter
• I do everything wrong
• I'm always in trouble
• You don't care.

At some point early in my life, I decided that people didn't care about me.  I must have started ignoring any attempts by people around me to love and care about me.  Even if I was able to perceive it, I would eventually rationalize it away.  In short, I was detached from the people around me.  I figured, if they don't care about me, why should I care about them?  I decided to go off and live in a fantasy world.  At the same time, I became a 'people pleaser'.  I did whatever it took to make people leave me alone.  I would satisfy people and try not to draw attention to myself.  I did my best in school for fear of 'doing things wrong'.  I remember being mortified the first time I was late to a class in my life.


I delved a bit deeper into that first memory I shared.  At one point, I came to the realization that my teacher didn't care about me.  No one seemed to care about me growing up.  I was just another warm body.  I was an object in the room.  And deep down, all I wanted as a kid was to feel special, loved, noticed, cared for, delighted in.

I also got some good insight into one of my 'flavors' of attraction.  I generally feel attracted to men bigger than me, to men that I judge are stronger than me.  I also feel afraid around them, intimidated by them.  It's an interesting internal conflict.  I think it goes back to feeling shamed by various adults in my life.  I wanted to feel loved by them, and instead I felt shamed by them.  To this day, I find myself seeking that love and approval from the 'big men', from the 'adults'.  I still want and crave that acceptance, affection, affirmation, ...love from them.  That flavor of attraction is one of the hardest to 'shake off'.  It's one of the hardest to resolve for me, probably because it's very deeply set.

Last night, I went to hang out with some friends.  As soon as I showed up, they said 'hi', but then went back to talking with each other.  I felt that same story come up. 'They don't care.  They've never cared.  You're just another person to them'.  I tried to compensate by smiling and making jokes.  On the way home, I felt lonely.  As I was driving, I was looking at the world around me, admiring Heavenly Father's handiwork.  A thought came to me: yes, this is a manifestation of His love.  But, it's a manifestation of His love to everyone.  It's a blanket statement.  It's sent out generally to everyone.  I do acknowledge there have been a few times when I have seen tender mercies in my life, when I have felt that I was specifically cared for.  Somehow...I'm just not feeling it right now.

This morning, it finally hit me.  The same idea 'You don't care' shows up in my relationship with my Heavenly Father.  When I pray, I tell myself that I'm just another warm body to Him.  No wonder the heaven's have felt so closed.  No wonder I feel like I've slipped through the cracks and have fallen of His radar.  I keep telling myself the same lie.

The same lie that has been lodged deep in my psyche.

I've even tried telling myself positive stories.  Sure, they help for awhile, but the same old lie creeps up and slowly strangles my attempts at changing how I think.  The poison is set deep.

Now I sit here, feeling empty, with the beginnings of tears in my eyes.  I don't even know if I can see the depth of this wound that was dealt to me.  I feel angry that I've continued to tell myself the same lie.  I'm angry that I made the choice to feel ashamed and to detach while I was young.  I feel like I've screwed up my life by making the choices I did.  "It's all my fault".  I chose to react the way I did.  I chose to detach.  It's my choice, I have to live with the consequences.

Perhaps I'm not heeding the saying that I came up with while talking with a friend a few weeks ago.  The saying is 'You're supposed to carry your cross, not nail yourself to it!'  I need to find a way to carry the burden this lie has created without it paralyzing me.  And ultimately, I need to find out how to heal it and how to surrender it.  There is a way.  I believe that there is healing through Christ's Atonement.  There is strength there, and there is grace.  There is forgiveness and love.  My heart feels too afraid to trust.  It's been hurt so many times before. I keep hurting it by feeding it the same lie, and yet I keep sheltering it from any outside attempt to heal it.

Sounds like madness to me.

Music That Speaks To Me - Everybody's Fool

Perfection.  Perfection is such a lovely, perfect word.  Perfect people are happy.  Perfect people have no flaws.  Perfect people are always smiling.  There's nothing wrong with them.

If I've learned anything in my time here on this earth, there's no such thing as a perfect person.  If I think someone's perfect, I'm obviously closing my eyes to the flaws they may have.  Many times, I've felt like other people see me as a 'perfect' person.  I feel put up on a pedestal.  Sometimes I've put myself on that pedestal.  I've put on that perfect veneer.  I've tried to pretend to be a 'normal', happy, 'perfect' person.

Today's song speaks just to that.  Disclaimer: there is some language in the song.

Lyrics:

perfect by nature
icons of self-indulgence
just what we all need
more lies about a world that

never was and never will be
have you no shame? Don't you see me?
you know you've got everybody fooled

look here she comes now
bow down and stare in wonder
oh how we love you
no flaws when you're pretending
but now i know she

never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled

without the mask where will you hide?
can't find yourself lost in your lie

i know the truth now
i know who you are
and i don't love you anymore

it never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled

it never was and never will be
you're not real and you can't save me
somehow now you're everybody's fool
[Taken from http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/evanescence/everybodysfool.html]

The video takes a big stab at advertisement.  I've always seen advertisements as trying to present some kind of 'perfect' image to consumers.  If you drink this product, you'll be perfect, beatiful, wonderful, loved, etc etc etc.

What a pack of lies.  I've found great amusement when I manage to shake off the spell that advertisements put on me, and really see through the veneer that they've put on things.  There's something enjoyable at ignoring the perfect image that they try to put up.

As for myself, I've been the person who's tried to be 'perfect'.  I've put on many masks in my life.  The most destructive mask I've worn was the 'I'm a perfect person!' mask.  As part of this mask, I have to smile and be happy all the time.  Nothing is ever wrong in my life.  I don't have same gender attraction.  I feel the spirit all the time.  I don't do anything wrong.  I've got 'no flaws when [I'm] pretending'.  Really, I hide my shortcomings.  I hide my struggles.  I'm living a life.  In many ways, I betray myself when I put on this mask.  When I try to live a life that 'never was or never will be', at least in this mortal life.  When I wear the mask of perfection, I'm not loving myself.  After all, how could I be loving a lie?  How could someone else love me, when all they're loving is the mask?

About two and half years ago, reality started to sink in.  I started to realize that I really needed help.  I got a therapist that would actually help me get through my issues.  I went to my first support group.  I started to destroy that mask, although it is a difficult one to destroy.  After all, I've lived for 26 years.  I could probably say that a good majority of that time was spent hiding behind the mask, evading the truth about the world and about myself.  I've spent a long time hiding the truth.

What are some things that hide behind the mask?  Fear.  Pain.  Deep wounding.  Endless cycles of lies that I've told myself.  Sadness.  Anger.  The real me hides behind the mask.  One of my deep fears is that I will not overcome same gender attraction in this life.  I fear that I will have to deal with it until the day that I die.  Even though I've done work, and tried to move past and heal issues, it still lingers.  Many days I see it as a curse.  I hide that fact from everyone around me, even myself.  Some days, I've really got 'everybody fooled' even myself, and thus I am 'everybody's fool'.

The best way to combat any lie is with truth.  To borrow from Jesus, who stated "Ye shall know the truth, and the truth will set you free" John 8:32.  As I've come to know and accept the truth about me, the world, the people around me, Heavenly Father, his gospel, the Atonement, I've found freedom.  Sometimes accepting that truth has been a painful process.  Ultimately, it's healed me and made me free from the lies, free from being everybody's fool.  Or perhaps more accurately, free from being a puppet of the adversary of all that is true, good, and holy.

This had been a difficult post for me.  I hope that I, as well as all of you, can learn to cast of the masks that we wear.  I hope that we together can learn to be more authentic.  I hope we can embrace the truth.  I believe that the truth is the only thing that can heal us and the world around us.

Truth: I am a valued son of Heavenly Father.  Truth: He gave His only perfect Son's life so that I could become perfect as well.  Truth: I am not perfect.  Truth: I have many challenges in life, and they're all meant to lead me toward perfection, and back into the loving embrace of Heavenly Father.

Those are some of the truths that I am learning to embrace.

For more reading, you can read Dan's post from Single Dad Laughing on perfection.  Click here: The disease called perfection.  Enjoy!

Self Talk

Today I want to talk about something a friend of mine called 'Self Talk'.  Now, a person may think 'You talk to yourself?  You're crazy!'  Funny thing, my brain hardly ever shuts itself down.  When it's not busy focusing on the task at hand, it could be analyzing the situation, resting (sometimes), or it could be engaged in telling me something about the situation (self talk).

Let's take this last weekend for example.  Friday night, I spent time with family, and felt really good.  Saturday evening I also spent time with some friends that was very uplifting, entertaining, and gave me that lovely 'feel good' feeling inside (interestingly enough, without a whole lot of cuddle time, but that is beside the point).  Sunday rolls around, and I'm still feeling pretty good, albeit a bit tired.  I get to church, and suddenly, the feelings of loneliness start to kick in.  Elder's Quorum it seemed to be particularly bad, and I was feeling really down.  Only after I got home, did I realize I'd been engaging in some negative self talk.

This is a more accurate view of what was going on:

Outside action: I drive into the parking lot, and feel like parking further away from everyone else.
Self talk: I don't have friends in this ward.  I don't belong here.  I want to park far away so that the pain of trying to pretend to be 'close' to the ward is less.

Outside action: I sit down in sacrament meeting, alone.
Self talk: I'm all alone.  Everyone else has a family.  I'm not the same as everyone else here.  I'm a loner.  I'm lonely.  I'll always be lonely if I'm single.  I'm less than the other people in the ward.

Outside action: I look around, a notice some men that I'm attracted to.
Self talk: I shouldn't be scoping other people out.  I'm being some kind of voyeur.

Outside action: I see a man who I've noticed is affectionate toward  his kids.  I find myself straining to see if he's doing it today.
Self talk: You're some kind of stalker.  Why do you want to see that?

Outside action: My Elder's Quorum president talks how if people are in need, they can ask their home teachers for help or their friends in the ward.
Self talk: I'm in some dire emotional need.  I need friends in this ward.  I don't really have any friends.  My home teachers don't visit me.  I don't feel like I'm making a difference here.  I'm afraid to reach out.  I'm afraid of asking for what I need.  If they knew what I thought about, they would reject me.  They'd chase me out of the ward with pitchforks.  If they knew what I wanted sometimes, they would do the same.

Outside action: A man in the ward, who I do consider to be somewhat of a friend when I'm thinking straighter, gives me a friendly pat on the back as I walk by.
Self talk: I really want more than that.  I guess I have to accept what scraps are giving me.  I'm so tired of dealing with other men's phobia of touch with other men.  I'm so tired of feeling that myself.  Other men are just so scared to do it.  I'm scared to ask for it from straight men.  What's the point of bonding with these guys?

And so on, and so forth.  All self talk, for me, seems to have a common thread: hardly any of it is based in truth.  A lot of it is dirty, horrible, rotten lies that I've told myself for years and continue to tell myself.  Some of those lies are:

• I'm worthless
• I'm not valued
• I'm not cared for
• I'm not important
• I'm stupid
• I'm ugly
• I'm weak
• I'm not a man
• I have no value

The list could go on and on and on.

I decided, during sacrament this last week, that I would try to replace my negative self talk with some positive self talk.  Hopefully, that will ultimately change the beliefs I have about myself.  Hopefully it will change how I act.  Here are some of things I came up with:

• I am worthy of love and connection.
• I am loved.
• I have friends.
• God loves me.
• God is good and faithful.  He can be trusted.
• I am worth dying for (speaking about the Atonement)
• I am worth it
• I am worthy of affirmation and affection
• I am working toward perfection
• I can do great things

The list of positive self talk helps me feel more bolstered and more uplifted.  It helps build me up, and I feel like it helps build me up in the right way.  One more thing that I heard from a friend recently is 'I need to be the change I want to see'.  I remember at the time I was complaining to him about wanting to give and receive more touch from straight male friends.  He then said something to the effect of: if that's something I want to see, then I need to do it.  In other words, if I want to see appropriate male affection be introduced into the culture around me, then I need to be the one dispensing it.  It sounds like a big and lofty goal.

Oh dear, here comes the negative self talk again.  I have but one thing to say in response to it 'I can'.

Depression - 16Dec2011

Last night and this morning really haven't been good to me.  I've been struggling with the loneliness and depression.  I'm starting to realize that I have more struggles in life than just same gender attraction.  There's the anxiety, the loneliness, the defensive detachment from other people, depression, and an inability to trust others and trust Heavenly Father.

Last night was an OK night.  I went and spent some time with the guys that I knew from the fraternity.  I remember feeling bored most of the night.  As I drove home, I felt kind of empty and numb.  I ate all of the chocolate chip cookies one of the guys had given me.  It made my stomach feel kind of upset.  I remember that I set my computer down and briefly considered setting up my computer and turning it on.  I knew if I did that, that I would start searching for triggering images, and possibly get mixed up in pornography.  Instead, I finished getting ready for bed.

I found myself thinking about how lonely I felt.  I started to go through the people I knew.  I was realizing that not any one person was going to be able to help fulfill my need for friendship.  One person was not going to fit all of the wants I had for friendship.  I starting putting people into categories.  There's one man that I trust for guidance and advice, but we don't really do anything together.  There's another man with whom I share a number of interests, but he is a very busy person.  There's another man like that who I even was close to, but I ended up becoming codependent.  There's other men that I try to reach out too, but I always feel like I'm the one making all the effort in the friendship.  There's other men that try to reach out with me, but I don't feel like I want to reach back.

I basically started to throw a pity party for myself.  I found myself praying, asking, wondering if Jesus and Heavenly Father would be my only friends, the only ones that could really love me, and really help me.  Even after asking and reaching toward Him, I still felt like His love along wouldn't be enough.  I thought that even with Him, I would still be longing for human interaction.  While laying feeling lonely, thoughts of temptation entered my mind.  I eventually succumbed to the idea of 'Oh, I'll feel good for a few moments now'.

This morning, it was a struggle to get out of bed.  I was feeling empty.  I was feeling guilty and ashamed.  I was still feeling lonely.  When I finally got into the shower, I spent a few minutes curled up in a ball under the hot water, not wanting to move and face the day.  I got out of the shower, sat on the floor and draped my towel around my shoulder and curled up in a ball again.  I didn't want to go anywhere, I just wanted to sit there.  Finally, I was able to get up, get dressed, and get in the car.  I was feeling sad.

Driving to work, I was able to feel some emotion: anger, directed at the other drivers.  I got really angry right before I got to work.  I remember sitting in my car, not wanting to get out.  I didn't like the fact I'd gotten so angry at the other driver.  I didn't want the anger.  I sat in the car until the air started to cool.  I briefly considered the idea of sitting there until my body went cold.  I did eventually get out of the car and get into work.  I sat at the computer, and when it was on, I was able to forget about the depression.  When I got up to go to the bathroom, the feeling of sadness and loneliness came back.  I guess the computer is just a distraction for me.

Do I have depression?  I'm scared that I am.  Do I deal with loneliness?  I'm pretty sure I do.  I was remembered a movie we watched in elementary school on the way to work.  It was about a kid that no one seemed to like, no one would interact with.  He would go to school and had no friends there.  He would go home, and his parents wouldn't talk to him.  Eventually, he walked off the school bus one day and just fell down and died.  The title of the movie was 'Cypher'.  Cypher meaning zero.  The person was a zero everyone's eyes.  I realized that I had made some progress.  I do feel like I have some impact on the world. When the loneliness and depression sets in, I start to feel like a Cypher.  I start to feel like a ghost in my life, drifting past that no one can see or if they can see me, they don't care to interact with me.

Depression scares me, especially because that's when the thoughts of wanting to die enter into my life.  I honestly think I'm far too much of a coward to end my own life.  Yet, if the pain and the loneliness get to much, I may be driven to something like that.  The other thing that comes with depression is not wanting to do anything.  The idea of maintaining this blog sometimes feels like it's too much.  I find myself wanting more feedback.  I find myself wanting more people to interact with.  I find myself searching for people that are willing to share of themselves as well.  Sure, I've had many people tell me they've been reading my blog.  Some express that they relate to it.  It seems to end there.  No one wants to further into it and I'm too passive to want to investigate further.

Sometimes I wish some of the people who don't know who I am behind my alias would talk to me about the blog.  They're the people I'm really trying to reach.  I can see it as a form of madness.  I want to connect to those people, but I'm not actively reaching out to them.  I want them to read these words and know that it's me that's writing them, but I hide behind an alias.  I want to find connections and friendships where I can be open and vulnerable with another person, and that other person be the same way back, but I'm too afraid to take the first step to be vulnerable.  I'm just so tired of trying.  I'm so tired of reaching and not feeling like the others are reaching back.

Sometimes I think there's something about me that makes it so other people don't want to interact with me.  Am I too much for them?  Am I too draining?  Do I ask for too much?  Do I expect too much?  I went to a fireside this Sunday.  The first few groups of people I walked up to disbanded a few moments after I got there.  Only in one case did a person stay to talk with me.  Later on that did change, but for awhile I started to wonder if there was something wrong with me.  After my support meeting, it seemed only a small handful of the men really wanted to talk with me.  Most other conversations ran dry relatively quickly.

Perhaps I am crazy.  I do have many friends.  Part of me looks at me with condemnation and says 'Should you be grateful for what you have?  Why isn't it enough?  Why can't the friendships you have be enough?  Why isn't God's love and grace enough for you?'  Another part considers the people I have said I don't want to be friends with and says 'What do you expect?  These men have tried to be your friend, and you haven't let them.  You've turned them down.  You've stopped talking to them.  You haven't tried.  How can you expect anyone to do the same?'  Yet another voice speaks up and says 'If they really knew you, they'd run away in fear.'  Yet another says 'It's not worth it to interact with other people.  You'll either give in to your attractions or be driven mad by them.  You'll always live in jealousy and envy of the friendships you see in other people.  You'll never have it.  You'll always be alone.  You'll always be an island.  Might as well cut your ties with everyone and not expect them to come looking for you.'  I had the idea to stop going to church, to stop going to the support group.  A voice came saying 'Oh, it doesn't really help you.  When you go, you just find yourself longing to connect to the other men there, but it never works when you try.  It will never work when you try.  Nothing you do can change things'.  Then comes up one of the scariest voices 'You should just end it.  It'd be simple.  Then you would really know who cared about you.  They would come and cry for you at your funeral.'  The voice even took a scarier turn this morning 'Heavenly Father is the only one that loves you.  Why don't you just end this life so that you can be with Him?  He's the only one that loves you.'

It is scary.  It really is scary.  I keep praying for the strength to get me through.  Heavenly Father is the one person that can help pull me through it.  It hurts though.  The loneliness and isolation hurt.  I sit here with tears of sadness welling up in my eyes, and pain in my heart.  I'm afraid this pain and sadness will lead me to anger and defensiveness.  That will only drive those trying to get close to me even further away.

Oh well.  It's another day.  It's another chance to try.  I feel pessimistic about it.

Music That Speaks To My Isolation - Out There

I remember one Sunday morning a few weeks ago, a song from a Disney movie popped into my head.  Interestingly, part of the song went along very well with how I was thinking at the time.

The song is entitled "Out There" from the Hunchback of Notre Dame:


Lyrics:
Frollo
 The world is cruel
 The world is wicked
 It's I alone whom you can trust in this whole city
 I am your only friend
 I who keep you, teach you, feed you, dress you
 I who look upon you without fear
 How can I protect you, boy, unless you
 Always stay in here
 Away in here
 Remember what I taught you, Quasimodo
 You are deformed

Quasimodo
 I am deformed

Frollo
 And you are ugly

Quasimodo
 And I am ugly

Frollo
 And these are crimes
 For which the world
 Shows little pity
 You do not comprehend

Quasimodo
 You are my one defender

Frollo
 Out there they'll revile you
 As a monster

Quasimodo
 I am a monster

Frollo
 Out there they will hate
 And scorn and jeer

Quasimodo
 Only a monster

Frollo
 Why invite their calumny
 And consternation?
 Stay in here
 Be faithful to me

Quasimodo
 I'm faithful

Frollo
 Grateful to me

Quasimodo
 I'm grateful

Frollo
 Do as I say
 Obey
 And stay In here

Quasimodo
 I'll stay
 In here

Quasimodo
 Safe behind these windows and these parapets of stone
 Gazing at the people down below me
 All my life I watch them as I hide up here alone
 Hungry for the histories they show me
 All my life I memorize their faces
 Knowing them as they will never know me
 All my life I wonder how it feels to pass a day
 Not above them
 But part of them
 And out there
 Living in the sun
 Give me one day out there
 All I ask is one
 To hold forever
 Out there
 Where they all live unaware
 What I'd give
 What I'd dare
 Just to live one day out there
 Out there among the millers and the weavers and their wives
 Through the roofs and gables I can see them
 Ev'ry day they shout and scold and go about their lives
 Heedless of the gift it is to be them
 If I was in their skin
 I'd treasure ev'ry instant
 Out there
 Strolling by the Seine
 Taste a morning out there
 Like ordinary men
 Who freely walk about there
 Just one day and then I swear
 I'll be content
 With my share
 Won't resent
 Won't despair
 Old and bent
 I won't care
 I'll have spent
 One day
 Out there

[From: http://www.fpx.de/fp/Disney/Lyrics/Hunchback.html#Out There]

I relate to Quasimodo very well.  For a good portion of my life I've hidden behind 'parapets of stone'.  I walled off my heart and my mind from the people around me.  I built a fortress for myself.  I built it out of video games, masturbation, fantasy, and pornography.  I put on a mask of a 'nice guy'.  I hid my true feelings and thoughts from people in an effort to keep myself and others "safe".  I played mind games with other people, rather than letting them actually know my mind.

I listened to the voice inside me that said I was a monster for having feelings of attraction toward other men. I was a monster for wanting to act out sexually with other men.  I was deformed.  I was ugly.  The voice told me that people would hate me, that they would like me.  They would hurt me and reject me.  The only way to be safe was to continue to listen to the voice and to stay inside my fortress of isolation.

At the same time, I found myself longing to be 'out there', to be among the people.  I wanted to be loved and accepted.  I wanted to be known and understood.  I wanted to connect.  I found myself watching the friendships that men had with other men and feeling envious.  I would tell myself that they didn't understand what they had.  I would give anything to have what they had.

I have been on a journey seeking healing.  I've put myself 'out there' in so many different forms.  I've tried to make myself known.  I've noticed that if things get dangerous, my first tendency is to withdraw back into the fortress and seal the gates so that no one else can get in.  I find myself inside the fortress many times looking out there at all the people in the sun, happy, loved, and enjoying life.  I find myself outside as well, feeling loved and accepted.

I prefer being out in the sun.