While playing a game the other day, another player dealt me a pretty nasty blow, that left me in a rather crippled position. Rather than stick it out to see if I could still somehow manage to scrape through the game, I opted to leave at that moment, mostly because I wasn't enjoying the game all that much (being behind in a game can make me irritable at times). At the time, I thought of how manly I was at speaking my mind and cutting my losses. Afterward, I felt very guilty for leaving the game the way I did (in a huff). Somehow, it made me feel like how I approach life: if things get difficult, there's a good chance I'm going to simply give up on the thing, even if it's something good for me. Friend gets married, I give up. Too hard to continue interacting with them. Friend moves away. Give up. Too hard.
I'm saying this, because I feel like I've 'given up' in a sense on my healing journey. I'm exhausted. I'm worn out. I regularly engage in numbing and isolating behavior I build emotional walls between me and the people I spend time with. Two years ago and two months, I went to Journey Into Manhood. I was regularly talking with people. I had a good friendship with another man forming. I was participating in a community, reaching out to other men. Giving, growing, and learning. I was connecting and getting my male to male needs met. I was even starting to feel sparks of attraction toward a girl I've known since elementary school.
Fast forward a year. I was barely even talking to this friend. I had deeply distanced myself from him. I was slipping into depression. I had given up on our friendship because it had become very difficult and painful for me (I was overdependent on him). Fast forward another year. I came close to acting out with a good friend of mine. I acted out with four other times with men. I nearly gave up going to church multiple times. My depression worsened and I started taking medication. I grew very isolated. I've become bitter. My same gender attraction has become very strong. I feel a sense of shame as I compulsively check out people to see if they are attractive. I struggle daily with inappropriate thoughts that are highly distracting. In short, I almost feel like I've given up.
On a surface level, I try to look confident, as un-needy as possible. I try to appear aloof. I often get snappy. I'm nearly always tired. Inside, I just want to cry, or act out, or have the nearest object of my lust hold me and help me feel loved. Guilt and shame seem to be with me nearly every waking moment. I struggle with feeling connected.
I feel like I'm stuck between two choices: continue to resist (and struggle with acting out), or simply give in. Honestly, the latter is highly undesirable. I know there is at least one more choice: open up. Start to connect again and let the wounds heal. Forgive, and let the poison seep out. It...it feels very difficult to open up. Two years ago, it was very natural, if scary for me. Now, it is so terrifying I clam up at the thought of doing it.
On the bright side, I've also felt a stirring in my breast. I've felt the Spirit working on me. I've had moments where my selfishness abates and I feel genuine pain, empathy, and caring toward other people.
It means I haven't quite given up yet, despite how hard the journey is. Still, I'm afraid of opening up and being vulnerable. Almost mortally afraid. I know it can hurt again.
Showing posts with label Emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Emotions. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
Worries - 20Feb2012
Worry is quite the interesting beast. He's been paying me visit very often lately. There's been a number of things that I've been worried about. It feels like I have a huge long list of things that have been on my mind lately.
1) I'm worried that I'm in some sort of deep numbness. I've been actually received some healthy touch lately, and I noticed it hasn't felt quite the same way. It's almost like I'm walled off against it. I know I may have some unprocessed trauma around it. It isn't something I'm willing to post up here in public. Part of this worry is that I know touch is a very important thing for me. I still feel like I want it, yet it doesn't seem to help when I do get it.
2) Related to item 1, I noticed that my emotions have been very muted lately, especially ones related to bonding and connection with other people: feeling loved, happiness, peace. I have felt some strong feelings of happiness, peace, and anger. Sadness seems to be oddly absent. I think the last time few times I remember feeling strong emotions was at the therapist and when I was at the temple. This could possibly be a by-product of being sick. Or it could just be a pattern of me detaching from myself.
3) The big worry in my sights right now is a medical test that I am having this week. I can't remember if I posted about the chest pains I've had while working out, or sometimes even while resting. I performed a heart stress test, and my heart is fine. The doctor said it was probably heartburn, so I've been taking a medication for that. Still, the pain has persisted, along with other strange things. I can feel food get 'stuck' in my esophagus. Sometimes my throat will seize up, or go into painful spasms. So, I'm going to get an EGD.
An EGD, or esophagogastroduodenoscopy, is basically where they stick a camera down the person's thraot. I've never had one before, but I've had plenty of horrifying fantasies about it since I first heard of it. I was feeling very nervous and terrified when I first heard about it. Oddly, it's isn't so bad since I learned they will put me under some form of anesthesia. The big worry about it now is paying for it. I don't have money problems frequently, but when I do, it usually causes me to panic. Oddly, I feel very detached from the feeling of panic, but I still find myself trying to calculate how much the procedure will cost and how I'm going to pay for it.
4) On top of all of this, I keep finding myself engaged in what I call 'deviant' behavior. It can be anything from fantasizing about a man, obsessing over them, finding myself looking for triggering pictures, avoiding people that I feel attracted to, or trying to hide myself from the world. It's basically a set of unhealthy behaviors that lead me to not feeling connected with the people around me. This deviant behavior is paired with an obsession over friendship and not feeling like I'm close to anyone.
When I take an honest look, I think all of these things I'm worried about are connected. The fear and worry over the procedure could be shorting out my feelings. That makes me feel like I'm not close to anyone, and leads me to seek that out. Because my feelings aren't working properly, I don't feel like I'm connected and I'm driven to the unhealthy behaviors to try to feel something. Sadly, I'm not quite sure how to break out of the cycle. Thankfully, I have a visit with my therapist tomorrow. Hopefully he can help me sort out parts of it.
I would also appreciate your prayers for the procedure this Wednesday. I'm going to need all the help and assurance I can get. Thank you.
1) I'm worried that I'm in some sort of deep numbness. I've been actually received some healthy touch lately, and I noticed it hasn't felt quite the same way. It's almost like I'm walled off against it. I know I may have some unprocessed trauma around it. It isn't something I'm willing to post up here in public. Part of this worry is that I know touch is a very important thing for me. I still feel like I want it, yet it doesn't seem to help when I do get it.
2) Related to item 1, I noticed that my emotions have been very muted lately, especially ones related to bonding and connection with other people: feeling loved, happiness, peace. I have felt some strong feelings of happiness, peace, and anger. Sadness seems to be oddly absent. I think the last time few times I remember feeling strong emotions was at the therapist and when I was at the temple. This could possibly be a by-product of being sick. Or it could just be a pattern of me detaching from myself.
3) The big worry in my sights right now is a medical test that I am having this week. I can't remember if I posted about the chest pains I've had while working out, or sometimes even while resting. I performed a heart stress test, and my heart is fine. The doctor said it was probably heartburn, so I've been taking a medication for that. Still, the pain has persisted, along with other strange things. I can feel food get 'stuck' in my esophagus. Sometimes my throat will seize up, or go into painful spasms. So, I'm going to get an EGD.
An EGD, or esophagogastroduodenoscopy, is basically where they stick a camera down the person's thraot. I've never had one before, but I've had plenty of horrifying fantasies about it since I first heard of it. I was feeling very nervous and terrified when I first heard about it. Oddly, it's isn't so bad since I learned they will put me under some form of anesthesia. The big worry about it now is paying for it. I don't have money problems frequently, but when I do, it usually causes me to panic. Oddly, I feel very detached from the feeling of panic, but I still find myself trying to calculate how much the procedure will cost and how I'm going to pay for it.
4) On top of all of this, I keep finding myself engaged in what I call 'deviant' behavior. It can be anything from fantasizing about a man, obsessing over them, finding myself looking for triggering pictures, avoiding people that I feel attracted to, or trying to hide myself from the world. It's basically a set of unhealthy behaviors that lead me to not feeling connected with the people around me. This deviant behavior is paired with an obsession over friendship and not feeling like I'm close to anyone.
When I take an honest look, I think all of these things I'm worried about are connected. The fear and worry over the procedure could be shorting out my feelings. That makes me feel like I'm not close to anyone, and leads me to seek that out. Because my feelings aren't working properly, I don't feel like I'm connected and I'm driven to the unhealthy behaviors to try to feel something. Sadly, I'm not quite sure how to break out of the cycle. Thankfully, I have a visit with my therapist tomorrow. Hopefully he can help me sort out parts of it.
I would also appreciate your prayers for the procedure this Wednesday. I'm going to need all the help and assurance I can get. Thank you.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Underneath The Armor - A Status Update 11Jan2012
It's been about four days since I last posted on here. The last major post that I made was basically claiming this blog as my own and putting my own name on it. I basically put it out in the public that I experience same gender attraction and often struggle with it.
It's been an interesting and disappointing last few days. So far, a number of people have commented on the blog post, some friends from college and a former co-worker. Also, a few people from the SSA community have also talked to me about it. Honestly, I was hoping for some other people to see and respond. There are other people with whom I want to be more open and honest. Yet, I'm still afraid to share myself with those people, especially about the attraction. Even though it's 'out there' I'm still afraid of owning up to it in public. The most I've tried is texting someone from the group and asking if they've read my blog. All I've heard back was 'Yeah, I knew that you had a blog.' That's about as far as I felt safe pushing on it. Really, if a person does or doesn't read my blog, it's more of the other person's choice. I feel like I've tried to make it public, and tried to share it.
On to the main topic of my post. Lately, the weather here in Utah has taken a turn for the cold again, so I'm layering up. This morning, after putting on my jacket and my coat, I honestly wished I could put on a mask or a faceguard of some kind. I've been feeling very ashamed of how I've been feeling/thinking/acting lately. I know that I'm not in a very good place, yet I'm too afraid to reach out for the help I need. I find myself waiting for other people to do it first as if I expect everyone else to inherently know that things aren't going well with me. I can probably count on one hand the number of people who have reached out to support me or at least reached out to contact me.
Lately, some people have been asking me 'Hey, how are you?' or any of it's variants or mutations. They've asked me in a variety of places. Honestly, the responses may very with how much I trust the person. I've honestly put on a great deal of 'armor' or 'masks' lately to cover up what's really been going on.
So how am I doing?
Outer layer:
In the outermost layer, I'll probably smile, give a nod. I'll say I'm doing 'alright' or 'good' or possibly even 'well' if I'm actually feeling good at the time. In this layer, I generally hide a great deal of what's really going on. I feel uncomfortable going in deeper, so I often move away or keep the topics of conversation at very superficial levels.
One layer down:
On this layer, I may actually honestly say if I'm doing well or not. I may say 'I'm having a rough time' without going into details. My smile may fade. My eyes may begin to tell the truth of my story. Even at this layer, I feel uncomfortable and unsafe with a good majority of people.
Two layers down:
On this layer, I may start to go into the details of what's been going on. I may say 'I've been feeling sad/angry/lonely/depressed.' Even my feelings cover up a great deal of what's been going on.
Three layers down:
Things start to get even more personal. I share more details of what's going on. I feel like an outsider at church. I try to smile and be friendly, but it doesn't seem to help. People don't seem to want to sit by me. People at work seem to avert their gaze when I go by. People don't seem to want to interact with me, unless I do so first. On this layer, I point my finger in blame at the other people. I start to tap into the pain that I feel most of the time. I may admit that I feel attracted to other people.
Four layers down:
I realize that all the things I've been blaming other people for, are really my fault. I say 'No one wants to sit with me at Elder's Quorum, because there's something wrong with me.' On this layer, I tell myself there are things 'wrong with me'. I honestly have a hard time expressing this to other people. I honestly even have a hard time admitting that I tell myself these things. On this layer, I may realize that the way other people act really has little to do with me and everything to do with them. I'm more honest at this layer of who I'm attracted to and what attracts me about them. I'm also honest about how my I am disgusted with myself, or how I put myself down over why I feel attracted to certain people. I put myself down for the desires related to those attractions.
There are things that I am even afraid of speaking about publicly, in this blog.
How have I been doing? Honestly, I've been doing poorly lately. I've been struggling with the basics of prayer and reading my scriptures. I've been trying to pray, but sometimes I feel like I've been left to struggle through things on my own. My work has changed lately, and I feel bored and even more alone. I feel frustrated when I'm attracted to a person that I see either at work, in public, or in my support group. I've been growing more isloated and withdrawn. I've grown tired of listening to the voices in my head that cry out that other people have hurt me, left me, abandoned me. I'm tired of asking myself 'Why won't anyone sit next to me?' 'Why don't people talk to me unless I talk to them first?'. I've grown so tired of hearing my own personal demons hiss from other people's faces.
How have I been coping? I've been trying to drown my woes in computer games, staying up late, eating chocolate. I've been struggling against the temptation to look at triggering pictures. I've been struggling with the habit of masturbation. I've been struggling with fantasizing what it would be like to be with another man.
What is it I need?
Honestly, I'm not entirely sure. Love. I want to feel loved by the people around me. I want to feel loved by Heavenly Father. Maybe part of what I need is to stop sabotaging other people's attempts to love me. I honestly think that I've been hiding from the hurt for so long, that opening up to feel loved is only going to bring up all that hidden hurt. I'm afraid of it. I run from it, yet it never leaves me. It always is with me no matter what I do to try to numb it or drown it out.
This morning, a quote from a General Authority which says something like this 'Assume that the people around you are in distress, and you will often be right'. It occurred to me on my drive in to work that other people are probably in just as much pain as I am. People around me are probably struggling with loneliness, with attraction, with anger, with sadness, and with depression. The people around me are also probably screaming out in pain, screaming out to be loved by the people around them as well.
That makes me think a number of things. First, part of me wants to think I'm insane for asking to feel loved by the people around me. If everyone is struggling just as much as I am, how am I supposed to expect them to go out of their way to express any kind of love for me? Second, I deride myself for not reaching out to help lift other people more. Third, I feel frustrated that when I have reached out, the other people have been to armored to respond. I realize this has honestly a lot more to do with the other people than it has to do with me. I'm not going to try to force a response out of people. If I were to force another person, it would probably damage my relationship with the person, and wouldn't do them a whole lot of good. In other words, forcing another person to open up would be more about me than it would be about the other person. Fifth, I need to show more compassion for the people around me. Honestly, I need to have more compassion for myself, and more patience. I need to stop getting stuck in the trap of self-pity.
In summary, all I want is to feel loved and to love the people around me. What impedes me are the demons, the lies that resound inside my head and the temptations that easily beset me. I often get stuck so deeply in the trap of self-pity that I don't reach out for help, or I reject the attempts of people to try to reach out to me. In short, I'm convinced that I've gone totally crazy in the head. I honestly wonder if I should be locked up in a padded chamber so my craziness won't hurt me or anyone else.
If you're reading this, and you are struggling in some way, please take care of yourself. Talk to the people that you love and trust. Also, even if you are struggling or aren't, take time to reach out and show your love to the people around you. It may look any number of ways. Maybe it means writing a letter, or an e-mail, or sending a text. Maybe it looks like putting your arm around someone. Maybe it means being a shoulder to try on or a listening ear. Maybe it means giving a person some space to breath. Maybe it means trying to move in a bit closer and being a bit more honest with that person. In any case, perhaps the person best to start with would be yourself.
It's been an interesting and disappointing last few days. So far, a number of people have commented on the blog post, some friends from college and a former co-worker. Also, a few people from the SSA community have also talked to me about it. Honestly, I was hoping for some other people to see and respond. There are other people with whom I want to be more open and honest. Yet, I'm still afraid to share myself with those people, especially about the attraction. Even though it's 'out there' I'm still afraid of owning up to it in public. The most I've tried is texting someone from the group and asking if they've read my blog. All I've heard back was 'Yeah, I knew that you had a blog.' That's about as far as I felt safe pushing on it. Really, if a person does or doesn't read my blog, it's more of the other person's choice. I feel like I've tried to make it public, and tried to share it.
On to the main topic of my post. Lately, the weather here in Utah has taken a turn for the cold again, so I'm layering up. This morning, after putting on my jacket and my coat, I honestly wished I could put on a mask or a faceguard of some kind. I've been feeling very ashamed of how I've been feeling/thinking/acting lately. I know that I'm not in a very good place, yet I'm too afraid to reach out for the help I need. I find myself waiting for other people to do it first as if I expect everyone else to inherently know that things aren't going well with me. I can probably count on one hand the number of people who have reached out to support me or at least reached out to contact me.
Lately, some people have been asking me 'Hey, how are you?' or any of it's variants or mutations. They've asked me in a variety of places. Honestly, the responses may very with how much I trust the person. I've honestly put on a great deal of 'armor' or 'masks' lately to cover up what's really been going on.
So how am I doing?
Outer layer:
In the outermost layer, I'll probably smile, give a nod. I'll say I'm doing 'alright' or 'good' or possibly even 'well' if I'm actually feeling good at the time. In this layer, I generally hide a great deal of what's really going on. I feel uncomfortable going in deeper, so I often move away or keep the topics of conversation at very superficial levels.
One layer down:
On this layer, I may actually honestly say if I'm doing well or not. I may say 'I'm having a rough time' without going into details. My smile may fade. My eyes may begin to tell the truth of my story. Even at this layer, I feel uncomfortable and unsafe with a good majority of people.
Two layers down:
On this layer, I may start to go into the details of what's been going on. I may say 'I've been feeling sad/angry/lonely/depressed.' Even my feelings cover up a great deal of what's been going on.
Three layers down:
Things start to get even more personal. I share more details of what's going on. I feel like an outsider at church. I try to smile and be friendly, but it doesn't seem to help. People don't seem to want to sit by me. People at work seem to avert their gaze when I go by. People don't seem to want to interact with me, unless I do so first. On this layer, I point my finger in blame at the other people. I start to tap into the pain that I feel most of the time. I may admit that I feel attracted to other people.
Four layers down:
I realize that all the things I've been blaming other people for, are really my fault. I say 'No one wants to sit with me at Elder's Quorum, because there's something wrong with me.' On this layer, I tell myself there are things 'wrong with me'. I honestly have a hard time expressing this to other people. I honestly even have a hard time admitting that I tell myself these things. On this layer, I may realize that the way other people act really has little to do with me and everything to do with them. I'm more honest at this layer of who I'm attracted to and what attracts me about them. I'm also honest about how my I am disgusted with myself, or how I put myself down over why I feel attracted to certain people. I put myself down for the desires related to those attractions.
There are things that I am even afraid of speaking about publicly, in this blog.
How have I been doing? Honestly, I've been doing poorly lately. I've been struggling with the basics of prayer and reading my scriptures. I've been trying to pray, but sometimes I feel like I've been left to struggle through things on my own. My work has changed lately, and I feel bored and even more alone. I feel frustrated when I'm attracted to a person that I see either at work, in public, or in my support group. I've been growing more isloated and withdrawn. I've grown tired of listening to the voices in my head that cry out that other people have hurt me, left me, abandoned me. I'm tired of asking myself 'Why won't anyone sit next to me?' 'Why don't people talk to me unless I talk to them first?'. I've grown so tired of hearing my own personal demons hiss from other people's faces.
How have I been coping? I've been trying to drown my woes in computer games, staying up late, eating chocolate. I've been struggling against the temptation to look at triggering pictures. I've been struggling with the habit of masturbation. I've been struggling with fantasizing what it would be like to be with another man.
What is it I need?
Honestly, I'm not entirely sure. Love. I want to feel loved by the people around me. I want to feel loved by Heavenly Father. Maybe part of what I need is to stop sabotaging other people's attempts to love me. I honestly think that I've been hiding from the hurt for so long, that opening up to feel loved is only going to bring up all that hidden hurt. I'm afraid of it. I run from it, yet it never leaves me. It always is with me no matter what I do to try to numb it or drown it out.
This morning, a quote from a General Authority which says something like this 'Assume that the people around you are in distress, and you will often be right'. It occurred to me on my drive in to work that other people are probably in just as much pain as I am. People around me are probably struggling with loneliness, with attraction, with anger, with sadness, and with depression. The people around me are also probably screaming out in pain, screaming out to be loved by the people around them as well.
That makes me think a number of things. First, part of me wants to think I'm insane for asking to feel loved by the people around me. If everyone is struggling just as much as I am, how am I supposed to expect them to go out of their way to express any kind of love for me? Second, I deride myself for not reaching out to help lift other people more. Third, I feel frustrated that when I have reached out, the other people have been to armored to respond. I realize this has honestly a lot more to do with the other people than it has to do with me. I'm not going to try to force a response out of people. If I were to force another person, it would probably damage my relationship with the person, and wouldn't do them a whole lot of good. In other words, forcing another person to open up would be more about me than it would be about the other person. Fifth, I need to show more compassion for the people around me. Honestly, I need to have more compassion for myself, and more patience. I need to stop getting stuck in the trap of self-pity.
In summary, all I want is to feel loved and to love the people around me. What impedes me are the demons, the lies that resound inside my head and the temptations that easily beset me. I often get stuck so deeply in the trap of self-pity that I don't reach out for help, or I reject the attempts of people to try to reach out to me. In short, I'm convinced that I've gone totally crazy in the head. I honestly wonder if I should be locked up in a padded chamber so my craziness won't hurt me or anyone else.
If you're reading this, and you are struggling in some way, please take care of yourself. Talk to the people that you love and trust. Also, even if you are struggling or aren't, take time to reach out and show your love to the people around you. It may look any number of ways. Maybe it means writing a letter, or an e-mail, or sending a text. Maybe it looks like putting your arm around someone. Maybe it means being a shoulder to try on or a listening ear. Maybe it means giving a person some space to breath. Maybe it means trying to move in a bit closer and being a bit more honest with that person. In any case, perhaps the person best to start with would be yourself.
Friday, December 30, 2011
The Demons Come In Sideways
First off, this post is a scary one to write. I feel like I may be writing about some thoughts and ideas that I've never shared before. Also, I feel like I may be sharing one of the devils tricks. Also, I'm afraid of some of the ramifications of what I want to share in this post.
Last night started out normal, and slowly turned into something very painful. Typically on Thursday nights, I go and play computer games with some friends. Last night ended with me tweeting some very scary things. I'll start with those:
"The battlefield of the mind is a dynamic place. One moment, things are calm. The next, legions of demons emerge from the shadows."
"At first, the demons smile disarmingly, disabling defenses and setting all at ease."
"Then they slip sideways into thoughts, planing corrupt, poisoned seeds of lies that spread like a virus."
"Finally when the person has started to succumb to the poison, they try to crush the person with darkness and despair."
Last night, I was heading home on what I thought would be a typical night. Rush home, grab my computer, and rush to hang to with the friends. It would be an enjoyable evening where we ran around together in the game and laughed and struggled through it together. At least, that was what I was hoping for. I wanted to try to get to where we were meeting early to see if I could finish a book that I've been reading for the past month or so.
When I got home, I had a surprised. There were a lot more people in the front room than I expected. To explain, I live with a family of four. Sitting on the couch was the father, as well as another man I knew, as well as some of both of their children sitting in chairs. I was so shocked, I didn't recognize the other man for a few moments. He smiled and said 'hi'. In a daze, I think I said 'hi' to the man and his wife and went into my room to prepare my computer for transport.
By then, the demons had slipped out of the shadows. Without realizing it, the negative self talk had started in my head:
Why is that family visiting? It seems that the two families are becoming good friends. I feel kind of left out. Well, that's my fault. I'm hardly home and I hardly like to spend time with the family anyways. The two guys seem to have a really good friendship going on. I guess I'm not the kind of person that the other man was looking for. I guess I'm not good enough.
It happened so quickly. I became pretty withdrawn, and felt like I was a shadow moving through the place I lived. Although I did want to give both of those men I knew, who are my friends, hugs before I left, I instead left the scene as quickly as I could, listening away to the lies in my head:
Oh, I don't want to do that in front of either of the wives. What will they think of me? Will they think I'm trying to hit on them? Trying to make a pass?
It was when I was driving away when I finally realized I was listening to some of the oldest lies I've told myself for years. "People don't care about me. I'm not good enough. I'm not worth love and affection." I tried to counter it with truths I knew, but the poison had set in. I felt sad. I felt lonely.
I arrived at the game night, and it wasn't anything like I had hoped it to be. Me and the 3 other guys were all doing different things in different places in the games. It was incredibly lonely. I made a few snarky jokes on and off, feeling vaguely angry that we weren't all together in the game, yet I didn't do anything about that fact.
As I was driving home, the sadness and the loneliness had set in. My mind started to wonder.
There are deer along this part of the road. What if I hit one of them? I could die. Mom would be there at my funeral crying. Dying wouldn't be so bad. I'd be free from the pain I have here, this grief and pain.
That's when I shook my head and realized I was fantasizing. Still, I felt a deep pain in my heart. I was crying. I was sad, hurting, overcome by grief, a combination of the pain of loneliness, and the pains of a guilty conscious. I knew I was guilty of so many different sins. It felt like my heart was breaking.
As I carried my computer back into where I live, I felt dark, crushing despair. It was like something was trying to squeeze the hope out of me. It was a struggle to breath, and I managed to unlock the house and get inside. As I went back for the rest of the computer, I didn't want to go back inside. I knew the demons were out there. Finally, I was able to get everything in my house.
I was tempted with various things. One thought said 'Oh, set up your computer, look at some pornography. You'll feel better.' Another said 'Why don't you masturbate? It's the only time you're really loving yourself! After all, only you love yourself.' And even, there was a few thoughts about trying to end my life. I'm very scared to admit, but I did consider it for a moment, and even thought of way to do it.
All through this, I was praying. I was trying to connect. I honestly don't know why I didn't feel an answer. I laid down, texting two friends of mine. The pain was still there. Tears were still streaming down my face. Many times I whimpered because of the pain. Sometimes, I just wanted to implode on the spot and stop being because it felt like too much. I don't ever remember falling asleep.
This morning, I can still feel that pain in my heart. I still do feel a sense of guilt over things I've done. The one sin I was guilty of last night was perpetuating those lies I've told myself all the years and for listening to those demons. Honestly, I am afraid. I feel afraid whenever thoughts of suicide come up. I honestly feel like I'm too much of a coward to actually do anything like that. I also realize it would cause a great deal of pain to many people that I love. At what point though, does the pain get to be too much? I honestly feel like I am getting near some kind of breaking point. Something has to give. There's something in me that needs to break before I can move on from whatever it is I've been going through the last day, week, month...time period.
For now, I'm going to keep moving and try to feel my way through this pain.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Music That Speaks To Me - Where Are You Christmas?
Christmas is coming up soon. Along with it, there are many different Christmas songs that I've come to enjoy over the years. Some of my favorites "O Come, O Come Emmanuel", "O Holy Night", "Angels We Have Heard On High."
One in particular seems to relate with how I've felt about Christmas the last few years. It's "Where Are You Christmas?"
Alas, I couldn't find a YouTube video that I could embed, so I'll just have to settle with a link to the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdoMRT5smHc
Lyrics:
Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play
My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too
Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go
Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh
If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time
I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart with love
Where are you Christmas
Fill your heart with love
[Taken from: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/faithhill/whereareyouchristmas.html]
I honestly don't know when it began. At least when I was still going to college, Christmas was something that excited me. I still could touch with that little kid feeling of excitement and wonder. I've felt this Christmas season, as well as the last, that I don't get that sense of wonder or awe that I used to feel. I used to feel so enchanted and enamored with it. I feel like I've lost the Christmas spirit over the years. The dreams have slowly slipped away.
The cause? I believe I've become to focus on the 'how' of Christmas, the little logistical details to help the day go 'smoothly'. I have some family members that seem to focus on trying to make the day as 'perfect' as possible. As such, it turns into a stress-fest. The day becomes just another day focused on to-dos. As such, I'd rather spend time away from family to avoid that stress.
What is the true Christmas spirit? I believe it is the spirit of Christ. It's the spirit of love, of giving, of family, of warmth, of light, of acceptance. I will always be in awe of Him, the only one of us to grace this planet, and live a perfect life.
This song helps touch on both sides of how I see Christmas. On one hand, there's the 'Where did the spirit of the season go?' On the other hand, I can see and feel the spirit of Christ. I think children naturally can tap into that spirit. As I've gotten older, and gotten further from the innocence of youth, I think I've let that true spirit of love slip away.
That's probably why I've always wondered where Christmas went.
I think this year, I've started to get it back. But like anything in life, it is a process. I'm still learning to love and to give freely. And that is what this time of year is all about. No, that is what all year long should be about. The spirit of love and of giving is a spirit I should seek out all throughout the year. Christmas is just a convenient time to be reminded of the path I need to follow in my life, the same path that Christ took when he was here on the earth.
The sense of the magic of the season, the wonder, the awe, and the excitement may not be something that will come back. However, I do believe that I can receive the spirit of the season, the spirit of Christ. That is something that will not fade away. That is only something that will grow stronger over the years.
One in particular seems to relate with how I've felt about Christmas the last few years. It's "Where Are You Christmas?"
Alas, I couldn't find a YouTube video that I could embed, so I'll just have to settle with a link to the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdoMRT5smHc
Lyrics:
Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play
My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too
Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go
Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh
If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time
I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart with love
Where are you Christmas
Fill your heart with love
[Taken from: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/faithhill/whereareyouchristmas.html]
I honestly don't know when it began. At least when I was still going to college, Christmas was something that excited me. I still could touch with that little kid feeling of excitement and wonder. I've felt this Christmas season, as well as the last, that I don't get that sense of wonder or awe that I used to feel. I used to feel so enchanted and enamored with it. I feel like I've lost the Christmas spirit over the years. The dreams have slowly slipped away.
The cause? I believe I've become to focus on the 'how' of Christmas, the little logistical details to help the day go 'smoothly'. I have some family members that seem to focus on trying to make the day as 'perfect' as possible. As such, it turns into a stress-fest. The day becomes just another day focused on to-dos. As such, I'd rather spend time away from family to avoid that stress.
What is the true Christmas spirit? I believe it is the spirit of Christ. It's the spirit of love, of giving, of family, of warmth, of light, of acceptance. I will always be in awe of Him, the only one of us to grace this planet, and live a perfect life.
This song helps touch on both sides of how I see Christmas. On one hand, there's the 'Where did the spirit of the season go?' On the other hand, I can see and feel the spirit of Christ. I think children naturally can tap into that spirit. As I've gotten older, and gotten further from the innocence of youth, I think I've let that true spirit of love slip away.
That's probably why I've always wondered where Christmas went.
I think this year, I've started to get it back. But like anything in life, it is a process. I'm still learning to love and to give freely. And that is what this time of year is all about. No, that is what all year long should be about. The spirit of love and of giving is a spirit I should seek out all throughout the year. Christmas is just a convenient time to be reminded of the path I need to follow in my life, the same path that Christ took when he was here on the earth.
The sense of the magic of the season, the wonder, the awe, and the excitement may not be something that will come back. However, I do believe that I can receive the spirit of the season, the spirit of Christ. That is something that will not fade away. That is only something that will grow stronger over the years.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Depression - 16Dec2011
Last night and this morning really haven't been good to me. I've been struggling with the loneliness and depression. I'm starting to realize that I have more struggles in life than just same gender attraction. There's the anxiety, the loneliness, the defensive detachment from other people, depression, and an inability to trust others and trust Heavenly Father.
Last night was an OK night. I went and spent some time with the guys that I knew from the fraternity. I remember feeling bored most of the night. As I drove home, I felt kind of empty and numb. I ate all of the chocolate chip cookies one of the guys had given me. It made my stomach feel kind of upset. I remember that I set my computer down and briefly considered setting up my computer and turning it on. I knew if I did that, that I would start searching for triggering images, and possibly get mixed up in pornography. Instead, I finished getting ready for bed.
I found myself thinking about how lonely I felt. I started to go through the people I knew. I was realizing that not any one person was going to be able to help fulfill my need for friendship. One person was not going to fit all of the wants I had for friendship. I starting putting people into categories. There's one man that I trust for guidance and advice, but we don't really do anything together. There's another man with whom I share a number of interests, but he is a very busy person. There's another man like that who I even was close to, but I ended up becoming codependent. There's other men that I try to reach out too, but I always feel like I'm the one making all the effort in the friendship. There's other men that try to reach out with me, but I don't feel like I want to reach back.
I basically started to throw a pity party for myself. I found myself praying, asking, wondering if Jesus and Heavenly Father would be my only friends, the only ones that could really love me, and really help me. Even after asking and reaching toward Him, I still felt like His love along wouldn't be enough. I thought that even with Him, I would still be longing for human interaction. While laying feeling lonely, thoughts of temptation entered my mind. I eventually succumbed to the idea of 'Oh, I'll feel good for a few moments now'.
This morning, it was a struggle to get out of bed. I was feeling empty. I was feeling guilty and ashamed. I was still feeling lonely. When I finally got into the shower, I spent a few minutes curled up in a ball under the hot water, not wanting to move and face the day. I got out of the shower, sat on the floor and draped my towel around my shoulder and curled up in a ball again. I didn't want to go anywhere, I just wanted to sit there. Finally, I was able to get up, get dressed, and get in the car. I was feeling sad.
Driving to work, I was able to feel some emotion: anger, directed at the other drivers. I got really angry right before I got to work. I remember sitting in my car, not wanting to get out. I didn't like the fact I'd gotten so angry at the other driver. I didn't want the anger. I sat in the car until the air started to cool. I briefly considered the idea of sitting there until my body went cold. I did eventually get out of the car and get into work. I sat at the computer, and when it was on, I was able to forget about the depression. When I got up to go to the bathroom, the feeling of sadness and loneliness came back. I guess the computer is just a distraction for me.
Do I have depression? I'm scared that I am. Do I deal with loneliness? I'm pretty sure I do. I was remembered a movie we watched in elementary school on the way to work. It was about a kid that no one seemed to like, no one would interact with. He would go to school and had no friends there. He would go home, and his parents wouldn't talk to him. Eventually, he walked off the school bus one day and just fell down and died. The title of the movie was 'Cypher'. Cypher meaning zero. The person was a zero everyone's eyes. I realized that I had made some progress. I do feel like I have some impact on the world. When the loneliness and depression sets in, I start to feel like a Cypher. I start to feel like a ghost in my life, drifting past that no one can see or if they can see me, they don't care to interact with me.
Depression scares me, especially because that's when the thoughts of wanting to die enter into my life. I honestly think I'm far too much of a coward to end my own life. Yet, if the pain and the loneliness get to much, I may be driven to something like that. The other thing that comes with depression is not wanting to do anything. The idea of maintaining this blog sometimes feels like it's too much. I find myself wanting more feedback. I find myself wanting more people to interact with. I find myself searching for people that are willing to share of themselves as well. Sure, I've had many people tell me they've been reading my blog. Some express that they relate to it. It seems to end there. No one wants to further into it and I'm too passive to want to investigate further.
Sometimes I wish some of the people who don't know who I am behind my alias would talk to me about the blog. They're the people I'm really trying to reach. I can see it as a form of madness. I want to connect to those people, but I'm not actively reaching out to them. I want them to read these words and know that it's me that's writing them, but I hide behind an alias. I want to find connections and friendships where I can be open and vulnerable with another person, and that other person be the same way back, but I'm too afraid to take the first step to be vulnerable. I'm just so tired of trying. I'm so tired of reaching and not feeling like the others are reaching back.
Sometimes I think there's something about me that makes it so other people don't want to interact with me. Am I too much for them? Am I too draining? Do I ask for too much? Do I expect too much? I went to a fireside this Sunday. The first few groups of people I walked up to disbanded a few moments after I got there. Only in one case did a person stay to talk with me. Later on that did change, but for awhile I started to wonder if there was something wrong with me. After my support meeting, it seemed only a small handful of the men really wanted to talk with me. Most other conversations ran dry relatively quickly.
Perhaps I am crazy. I do have many friends. Part of me looks at me with condemnation and says 'Should you be grateful for what you have? Why isn't it enough? Why can't the friendships you have be enough? Why isn't God's love and grace enough for you?' Another part considers the people I have said I don't want to be friends with and says 'What do you expect? These men have tried to be your friend, and you haven't let them. You've turned them down. You've stopped talking to them. You haven't tried. How can you expect anyone to do the same?' Yet another voice speaks up and says 'If they really knew you, they'd run away in fear.' Yet another says 'It's not worth it to interact with other people. You'll either give in to your attractions or be driven mad by them. You'll always live in jealousy and envy of the friendships you see in other people. You'll never have it. You'll always be alone. You'll always be an island. Might as well cut your ties with everyone and not expect them to come looking for you.' I had the idea to stop going to church, to stop going to the support group. A voice came saying 'Oh, it doesn't really help you. When you go, you just find yourself longing to connect to the other men there, but it never works when you try. It will never work when you try. Nothing you do can change things'. Then comes up one of the scariest voices 'You should just end it. It'd be simple. Then you would really know who cared about you. They would come and cry for you at your funeral.' The voice even took a scarier turn this morning 'Heavenly Father is the only one that loves you. Why don't you just end this life so that you can be with Him? He's the only one that loves you.'
It is scary. It really is scary. I keep praying for the strength to get me through. Heavenly Father is the one person that can help pull me through it. It hurts though. The loneliness and isolation hurt. I sit here with tears of sadness welling up in my eyes, and pain in my heart. I'm afraid this pain and sadness will lead me to anger and defensiveness. That will only drive those trying to get close to me even further away.
Oh well. It's another day. It's another chance to try. I feel pessimistic about it.
Last night was an OK night. I went and spent some time with the guys that I knew from the fraternity. I remember feeling bored most of the night. As I drove home, I felt kind of empty and numb. I ate all of the chocolate chip cookies one of the guys had given me. It made my stomach feel kind of upset. I remember that I set my computer down and briefly considered setting up my computer and turning it on. I knew if I did that, that I would start searching for triggering images, and possibly get mixed up in pornography. Instead, I finished getting ready for bed.
I found myself thinking about how lonely I felt. I started to go through the people I knew. I was realizing that not any one person was going to be able to help fulfill my need for friendship. One person was not going to fit all of the wants I had for friendship. I starting putting people into categories. There's one man that I trust for guidance and advice, but we don't really do anything together. There's another man with whom I share a number of interests, but he is a very busy person. There's another man like that who I even was close to, but I ended up becoming codependent. There's other men that I try to reach out too, but I always feel like I'm the one making all the effort in the friendship. There's other men that try to reach out with me, but I don't feel like I want to reach back.
I basically started to throw a pity party for myself. I found myself praying, asking, wondering if Jesus and Heavenly Father would be my only friends, the only ones that could really love me, and really help me. Even after asking and reaching toward Him, I still felt like His love along wouldn't be enough. I thought that even with Him, I would still be longing for human interaction. While laying feeling lonely, thoughts of temptation entered my mind. I eventually succumbed to the idea of 'Oh, I'll feel good for a few moments now'.
This morning, it was a struggle to get out of bed. I was feeling empty. I was feeling guilty and ashamed. I was still feeling lonely. When I finally got into the shower, I spent a few minutes curled up in a ball under the hot water, not wanting to move and face the day. I got out of the shower, sat on the floor and draped my towel around my shoulder and curled up in a ball again. I didn't want to go anywhere, I just wanted to sit there. Finally, I was able to get up, get dressed, and get in the car. I was feeling sad.
Driving to work, I was able to feel some emotion: anger, directed at the other drivers. I got really angry right before I got to work. I remember sitting in my car, not wanting to get out. I didn't like the fact I'd gotten so angry at the other driver. I didn't want the anger. I sat in the car until the air started to cool. I briefly considered the idea of sitting there until my body went cold. I did eventually get out of the car and get into work. I sat at the computer, and when it was on, I was able to forget about the depression. When I got up to go to the bathroom, the feeling of sadness and loneliness came back. I guess the computer is just a distraction for me.
Do I have depression? I'm scared that I am. Do I deal with loneliness? I'm pretty sure I do. I was remembered a movie we watched in elementary school on the way to work. It was about a kid that no one seemed to like, no one would interact with. He would go to school and had no friends there. He would go home, and his parents wouldn't talk to him. Eventually, he walked off the school bus one day and just fell down and died. The title of the movie was 'Cypher'. Cypher meaning zero. The person was a zero everyone's eyes. I realized that I had made some progress. I do feel like I have some impact on the world. When the loneliness and depression sets in, I start to feel like a Cypher. I start to feel like a ghost in my life, drifting past that no one can see or if they can see me, they don't care to interact with me.
Depression scares me, especially because that's when the thoughts of wanting to die enter into my life. I honestly think I'm far too much of a coward to end my own life. Yet, if the pain and the loneliness get to much, I may be driven to something like that. The other thing that comes with depression is not wanting to do anything. The idea of maintaining this blog sometimes feels like it's too much. I find myself wanting more feedback. I find myself wanting more people to interact with. I find myself searching for people that are willing to share of themselves as well. Sure, I've had many people tell me they've been reading my blog. Some express that they relate to it. It seems to end there. No one wants to further into it and I'm too passive to want to investigate further.
Sometimes I wish some of the people who don't know who I am behind my alias would talk to me about the blog. They're the people I'm really trying to reach. I can see it as a form of madness. I want to connect to those people, but I'm not actively reaching out to them. I want them to read these words and know that it's me that's writing them, but I hide behind an alias. I want to find connections and friendships where I can be open and vulnerable with another person, and that other person be the same way back, but I'm too afraid to take the first step to be vulnerable. I'm just so tired of trying. I'm so tired of reaching and not feeling like the others are reaching back.
Sometimes I think there's something about me that makes it so other people don't want to interact with me. Am I too much for them? Am I too draining? Do I ask for too much? Do I expect too much? I went to a fireside this Sunday. The first few groups of people I walked up to disbanded a few moments after I got there. Only in one case did a person stay to talk with me. Later on that did change, but for awhile I started to wonder if there was something wrong with me. After my support meeting, it seemed only a small handful of the men really wanted to talk with me. Most other conversations ran dry relatively quickly.
Perhaps I am crazy. I do have many friends. Part of me looks at me with condemnation and says 'Should you be grateful for what you have? Why isn't it enough? Why can't the friendships you have be enough? Why isn't God's love and grace enough for you?' Another part considers the people I have said I don't want to be friends with and says 'What do you expect? These men have tried to be your friend, and you haven't let them. You've turned them down. You've stopped talking to them. You haven't tried. How can you expect anyone to do the same?' Yet another voice speaks up and says 'If they really knew you, they'd run away in fear.' Yet another says 'It's not worth it to interact with other people. You'll either give in to your attractions or be driven mad by them. You'll always live in jealousy and envy of the friendships you see in other people. You'll never have it. You'll always be alone. You'll always be an island. Might as well cut your ties with everyone and not expect them to come looking for you.' I had the idea to stop going to church, to stop going to the support group. A voice came saying 'Oh, it doesn't really help you. When you go, you just find yourself longing to connect to the other men there, but it never works when you try. It will never work when you try. Nothing you do can change things'. Then comes up one of the scariest voices 'You should just end it. It'd be simple. Then you would really know who cared about you. They would come and cry for you at your funeral.' The voice even took a scarier turn this morning 'Heavenly Father is the only one that loves you. Why don't you just end this life so that you can be with Him? He's the only one that loves you.'
It is scary. It really is scary. I keep praying for the strength to get me through. Heavenly Father is the one person that can help pull me through it. It hurts though. The loneliness and isolation hurt. I sit here with tears of sadness welling up in my eyes, and pain in my heart. I'm afraid this pain and sadness will lead me to anger and defensiveness. That will only drive those trying to get close to me even further away.
Oh well. It's another day. It's another chance to try. I feel pessimistic about it.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
White Knuckling It 6Dec2011
It's been about 4 months or so since I last had a problem looking at pornography. By pornography, I mean something that nearly any (sane) person would call pornographic. I haven't had a problem with masturbation for over two weeks.
I've been tempted many times to give in to both evils. Sometimes I started to entertain the ideas. I've found myself looking at pictures that aren't healthy for me in this state. Just last weekend, I started watching some videos that weren't good for me either. I was flirting with the line. I was putting myself into fire. Thankfully, a friend messaged me on Facebook. I felt a sense of guilt and shame at having been watching something like that. I closed the browser tab and talked with him a bit.
This morning, the temptation came again to give in. I paused for a moment, made sure I was looking at what was going on around me, and tried to tap into what I was feeling. Sadness, depression and a feeling of warmth inside. Heavenly Father does know what's going on with me. He knows what my needs are. When I'm not taking care of my needs or letting Heavenly Father take care of what needs I can't take care of on my own, I'm far more vulnerable to being tempted to 'take care' of my needs with something counterfeit. In fact, many times when I've been tempted I've thought "Yeah, that will feel good for a moment, but I'll be even worse afterward".
One need that I've been struggling to meet is getting adequate sleep. I feel tired at night until the moment my head hits the pillow. I then get a feeling of longing. I want someone to snuggle up to. I want to be held by someone until I fall asleep. I find my mind going into fantasy and the temptation to masturbate grows. For instance, last night I had to open my eyes many times to get a good dose of reality. I had to remind myself that I was along in the room. I had to tap back into my feelings of exhaustion. After some struggle, I was able to fall asleep. Lack of sleep really doesn't help with my overall mood.
Another contributing factor is the fact of physical pain. I've been having some strange and particularly annoying headaches lately, accompanied by pain in my shoulders and neck. I went and got a massage last Saturday, but that didn't seem to help much. The whole area either feels tight, or burns. The feelings of pain come and go. I'm sure this may be from stress related to my job and trying to figure out life problems.
Another need I feel is lacking is the need to connect with other men. This need seems to be plastered all over my thoughts and actions. My primary way of feeling connected to another person is through touch. I have all sorts of fear, beliefs, and stories around touch that make things difficult. Sometimes I feel like I'm having to 'sneak in' getting touch. Sometimes it feels like it's something that can only be done in 'secret'. On particularly difficult days, I find myself believing that wanting to be touched or wanting to touch another man in any way is 'bad'.
On a related note, yesterday I had to carpool with some men from my work. Three of us had to squeeze into the back seat. Both of the other men were bigger than, one by quite a bit. Needless to say, it was a bit uncomfortable. The man on my left finally put his arm around the seat behind me. The man on the right kept moving himself away as far as possible to 'give me space'. Honestly, I would have been totally happy with him putting his arm around me. I really wanted him to. Yet, how could I ask something like that? I honestly was afraid of what the man would think of me? Was it 'bad' that I wanted this guys arm around me? Was it bad that I liked how it did feel to sit right next to him and the other man?
I feel like I'm getting desperate to figure out how to handle this need. On the way out of a clothing store, I had a strange urge to walk up to one of the male mannequins and starting rubbing its chest. I thought it was a little amusing at the time. Now it feels shameful and disgusting. It's a similar urge that I get toward other men.
I feel like I'm trying to white knuckle my way through this. There must be a way to get that need for touch met, without it becoming something sexual or romantic. There must be a way to give and receive affection with another man without violating any sort of gospel principles. I'm just having a hard time seeing it right now. I pray that God will help me find the answers soon. I pray I'll find the answers.
I've been tempted many times to give in to both evils. Sometimes I started to entertain the ideas. I've found myself looking at pictures that aren't healthy for me in this state. Just last weekend, I started watching some videos that weren't good for me either. I was flirting with the line. I was putting myself into fire. Thankfully, a friend messaged me on Facebook. I felt a sense of guilt and shame at having been watching something like that. I closed the browser tab and talked with him a bit.
This morning, the temptation came again to give in. I paused for a moment, made sure I was looking at what was going on around me, and tried to tap into what I was feeling. Sadness, depression and a feeling of warmth inside. Heavenly Father does know what's going on with me. He knows what my needs are. When I'm not taking care of my needs or letting Heavenly Father take care of what needs I can't take care of on my own, I'm far more vulnerable to being tempted to 'take care' of my needs with something counterfeit. In fact, many times when I've been tempted I've thought "Yeah, that will feel good for a moment, but I'll be even worse afterward".
One need that I've been struggling to meet is getting adequate sleep. I feel tired at night until the moment my head hits the pillow. I then get a feeling of longing. I want someone to snuggle up to. I want to be held by someone until I fall asleep. I find my mind going into fantasy and the temptation to masturbate grows. For instance, last night I had to open my eyes many times to get a good dose of reality. I had to remind myself that I was along in the room. I had to tap back into my feelings of exhaustion. After some struggle, I was able to fall asleep. Lack of sleep really doesn't help with my overall mood.
Another contributing factor is the fact of physical pain. I've been having some strange and particularly annoying headaches lately, accompanied by pain in my shoulders and neck. I went and got a massage last Saturday, but that didn't seem to help much. The whole area either feels tight, or burns. The feelings of pain come and go. I'm sure this may be from stress related to my job and trying to figure out life problems.
Another need I feel is lacking is the need to connect with other men. This need seems to be plastered all over my thoughts and actions. My primary way of feeling connected to another person is through touch. I have all sorts of fear, beliefs, and stories around touch that make things difficult. Sometimes I feel like I'm having to 'sneak in' getting touch. Sometimes it feels like it's something that can only be done in 'secret'. On particularly difficult days, I find myself believing that wanting to be touched or wanting to touch another man in any way is 'bad'.
On a related note, yesterday I had to carpool with some men from my work. Three of us had to squeeze into the back seat. Both of the other men were bigger than, one by quite a bit. Needless to say, it was a bit uncomfortable. The man on my left finally put his arm around the seat behind me. The man on the right kept moving himself away as far as possible to 'give me space'. Honestly, I would have been totally happy with him putting his arm around me. I really wanted him to. Yet, how could I ask something like that? I honestly was afraid of what the man would think of me? Was it 'bad' that I wanted this guys arm around me? Was it bad that I liked how it did feel to sit right next to him and the other man?
I feel like I'm getting desperate to figure out how to handle this need. On the way out of a clothing store, I had a strange urge to walk up to one of the male mannequins and starting rubbing its chest. I thought it was a little amusing at the time. Now it feels shameful and disgusting. It's a similar urge that I get toward other men.
I feel like I'm trying to white knuckle my way through this. There must be a way to get that need for touch met, without it becoming something sexual or romantic. There must be a way to give and receive affection with another man without violating any sort of gospel principles. I'm just having a hard time seeing it right now. I pray that God will help me find the answers soon. I pray I'll find the answers.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Bouncing Around In My Head 30Nov2011
I'm feeling a lot better. It's amazing how much of a different two days will make for how I feel about things. Some devoted scripture study, talking with some friends, spending some quality guy time has really helped. It feels like prayers have been answered and the spirit is back in my life. I'm very grateful for that. I feel like I'm finally feeling again. I've been feeling more peace lately.
As an enjoyable by product, I've been having some scriptures run through my head. I heard them during our Elder's Quorum lesson. One of them is Mosiah 4:30. Another is Mosiah 3:19. Yet another is James 1:5. James 1:5 is a recent addition. I've been pondering over the last few days on what it means to 'put off' the natural man. I'm realizing more than ever that I need to submit myself to the workings of the spirit. According to Mosiah 4:30, and the recommendation of my bishop, I've been trying to watch my thoughts. The criteria that I've been trying to apply is "Does this thought bring me closer or further away from Heavenly Father?". I have been feeling a greater outpouring of the spirit.
James 1:5 is a newer addition to my set of scriptures bouncing around in my head. I had a friend ask me last night "What are you doing with your attractions?" I realized that I hadn't come to any kind of definitive sort of answer. After talking with a second friend, I realize I haven't quite accepted the fact that having same gender attraction could be a trial or a cross. I realize I've been trying for so long to make it 'go away'. Something I want to focus on is learning to accept the fact that I have these feelings. I also want to stop asking the 'Why?' question so much. I want to know more of the 'How does the Lord want me to deal with this?' That's where James 1:5 comes in. The church has some very clear teachings on when the power of procreation is meant to be used and the Law of Chastity. I've found that some things lead me into a gray area.
The big question that I had been struggling over is "Is it appropriate for me to date other men? Is it appropriate for me to pursue a non-sexual romantic relationship with a man?" After some thought and prayer, I feel like it isn't appropriate for me to entertain or pursue romance with another man. My thoughts told me that a romantic relationship with a man would only lead me to either pain or the desire to become sexually involved with the other man. I've decided to follow the promptings I've received and not 'date' other men.
Of course, 'bromance' and spending time with friends is something else entirely. I'm still going to do that!
As an enjoyable by product, I've been having some scriptures run through my head. I heard them during our Elder's Quorum lesson. One of them is Mosiah 4:30. Another is Mosiah 3:19. Yet another is James 1:5. James 1:5 is a recent addition. I've been pondering over the last few days on what it means to 'put off' the natural man. I'm realizing more than ever that I need to submit myself to the workings of the spirit. According to Mosiah 4:30, and the recommendation of my bishop, I've been trying to watch my thoughts. The criteria that I've been trying to apply is "Does this thought bring me closer or further away from Heavenly Father?". I have been feeling a greater outpouring of the spirit.
James 1:5 is a newer addition to my set of scriptures bouncing around in my head. I had a friend ask me last night "What are you doing with your attractions?" I realized that I hadn't come to any kind of definitive sort of answer. After talking with a second friend, I realize I haven't quite accepted the fact that having same gender attraction could be a trial or a cross. I realize I've been trying for so long to make it 'go away'. Something I want to focus on is learning to accept the fact that I have these feelings. I also want to stop asking the 'Why?' question so much. I want to know more of the 'How does the Lord want me to deal with this?' That's where James 1:5 comes in. The church has some very clear teachings on when the power of procreation is meant to be used and the Law of Chastity. I've found that some things lead me into a gray area.
The big question that I had been struggling over is "Is it appropriate for me to date other men? Is it appropriate for me to pursue a non-sexual romantic relationship with a man?" After some thought and prayer, I feel like it isn't appropriate for me to entertain or pursue romance with another man. My thoughts told me that a romantic relationship with a man would only lead me to either pain or the desire to become sexually involved with the other man. I've decided to follow the promptings I've received and not 'date' other men.
Of course, 'bromance' and spending time with friends is something else entirely. I'm still going to do that!
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Self disgust
This is definitely not a post to read on an empty heart or an empty soul.
I find that I think and feel things that make me feel disgusted with myself. I look at my thoughts and actions and I often feel a sense of condemnation or demonization. I judge myself pretty harshly at times. I find that it often starts with me condemning a thought or action, and then morphing into me condemning or looking down on myself. Then, I feel disgusted at myself and any hope for changing goes out the window.
There are a lot of things I can think of that cause this reaction in me. Some of them could possible be innocent. Some of them could deserve some changes. Others possibly are sinful. I'm honestly so close to them, and so accustomed to condemning then, that I throw them all into the sinful bucket just to make things simpler. Then I begin feeling ashamed of them. I tell myself that if the people around me "really knew" what I was thinking or feeling, then they wouldn't want to be around me. They would hate me, despise me, fear me, and ultimately, they would be disgusted with me like I am disgusted with myself.
I will share a few of them here.
I feel disgusted that I will sometimes choose whether or not to do something with a friend based on the fact of how entertaining it is. I feel disgusted that I find sitting and talking boring. I feel disgusted that I always have to be 'entertained'. I feel disgusted that I choose video games/reading over interacting with people around me or getting enough sleep. I feel disgusted that the drive to play a video game is stronger than the drive to listen to people or invest in friendships. I feel disgusted that I would rather play a video game rather than go to family events.
I feel disgusted with myself when I realize that the one reason that's driving me to be someone's friend is the fact that I feel attracted to them. I don't always act on the drive, yet it is usually there. If there is an attractive man, I want to be close to that person. I get jealous if someone else seems to have a good relationship with them be it joking, talking, or just seeming to enjoy each others presence. I feel disgusted that I'm so jealous at that. I feel disgusted if I see a picture of an attractive man, and I immediately want to know the person or be their "best friend".
I feel disgusted with myself with how often and how much I want touch. I feel disgusted that it's not only that I want touch, but that I want touch from men I feel attracted to. I feel disgusted that if a man who doesn't fall into the "I'm attracted to you" category offers touch in some way, it feels funny, or I feel myself cringe inside while receiving it or it doesn't quite 'hit the spot' so to speak. I feel disgusted that I see attractive men at work, out in public, wherever, and I find myself wondering what it would be like snuggled up to the man which his arm around me, or how it would feel if I were to give him a hug, or how it would feel if rubbed my shoulders, or whatever else it is. I feel disgusted that I fantasize about being touched by attractive men. I feel disgusted that those fantasies can go sexual so quickly. I often think that if the man knew I wanted whatever kind of touch it is I happen to be thinking of at the moment, that the man would withdraw from me or be afraid from me. The fear of being rejected over it only serves to heighten my shame at the time.
I feel disgusted with myself that I like looking at pornography or pornographic material. I feel disgusted when I find myself endlessly looking through pictures of an attractive man trying to find a picture where he's shirtless. I feel disgusted when I find myself imaging what a man would look like with his shirt off. I feel disgusted that I quickly scan a new man's body to find out if I'm attracted to them or not. I feel disgusted that I like the way a man's body looks.
I feel disgusted that I masturbate. I feel disgusted with the thoughts that lead me up to it. I even feel disgusted with the feelings of tiredness or loneliness that prompt the temptation to masturbate. I feel disgusted with myself during and afterward for how I feel or what I'm thinking about. I feel deeply ashamed about the fact that I do it.
I feel disgusted that I don't like everyone, or even worse, that there are people that I don't like. There are some people that I wish wouldn't interact with me, or that they would interact with me very rarely. I feel disgusted that I feel that way. I feel disgusted that I don't have the courage to step up and tell them to back off. When I do step up and express my wants, in whatever way I can, I feel disgusted that I did so.
I feel disgusted that I feel lonely and unloved, even though I am surrounded by people who love me. I have a family that loves me. I know it. I can see it in their actions and their words. My father has expressed many times how he and my mother love me. Yet, I feel disgusted that I feel empty inside when he says that. I feel disgusted that I'm so numb to the love that I craved so much growing up. I feel disgusted that I am so detached from the people around me.
I feel disgusted that I struggle so often with the simple spiritual things. I feel disgusted that I often forget to pray or study my scriptures. I feel disgusted that I forget about fasting. I feel disgusted that I resent going to church. I feel disgusted that when I go to church, all I can think about is my loneliness and my despair. I feel disgusted that I am too afraid to try to befriend the men in the ward. I feel disgusted that I'm not a regular home teacher and that I hardly know the names of the people I home teach currently. I feel disgusted at how easily I forget that I know and have felt that God loves me. I feel disgusted on how easily I abandon faith or hope when times get rough. I feel disgusted that I always think I have to do things 'on my own' without God's help or with help from anyone else.
Ultimately, I feel disgusted for who I am, how I feel, what I think about, what I do, and what I say.
I feel disgusted that I've worked on overcoming some of these things, but that they still come back. That I'm still detached. That I still don't know how to set clear boundaries. That I still feel so angry or lonely.
I hope by continuing to write this blog, I can learn more about myself. I hope that I can share my struggles. Hopefully it will help all of you that may feel similar things to me. I hope that by sharing this I can overcome the shame I feel. I hope that I can possibly learn to allow the people I love in closer into my life where I can feel their love and I can truly love them in return. Yet, as long as I continue to feel disgusted with myself, I will continue to struggle with the loneliness and anger that comes with it.
I find that I think and feel things that make me feel disgusted with myself. I look at my thoughts and actions and I often feel a sense of condemnation or demonization. I judge myself pretty harshly at times. I find that it often starts with me condemning a thought or action, and then morphing into me condemning or looking down on myself. Then, I feel disgusted at myself and any hope for changing goes out the window.
There are a lot of things I can think of that cause this reaction in me. Some of them could possible be innocent. Some of them could deserve some changes. Others possibly are sinful. I'm honestly so close to them, and so accustomed to condemning then, that I throw them all into the sinful bucket just to make things simpler. Then I begin feeling ashamed of them. I tell myself that if the people around me "really knew" what I was thinking or feeling, then they wouldn't want to be around me. They would hate me, despise me, fear me, and ultimately, they would be disgusted with me like I am disgusted with myself.
I will share a few of them here.
I feel disgusted that I will sometimes choose whether or not to do something with a friend based on the fact of how entertaining it is. I feel disgusted that I find sitting and talking boring. I feel disgusted that I always have to be 'entertained'. I feel disgusted that I choose video games/reading over interacting with people around me or getting enough sleep. I feel disgusted that the drive to play a video game is stronger than the drive to listen to people or invest in friendships. I feel disgusted that I would rather play a video game rather than go to family events.
I feel disgusted with myself when I realize that the one reason that's driving me to be someone's friend is the fact that I feel attracted to them. I don't always act on the drive, yet it is usually there. If there is an attractive man, I want to be close to that person. I get jealous if someone else seems to have a good relationship with them be it joking, talking, or just seeming to enjoy each others presence. I feel disgusted that I'm so jealous at that. I feel disgusted if I see a picture of an attractive man, and I immediately want to know the person or be their "best friend".
I feel disgusted with myself with how often and how much I want touch. I feel disgusted that it's not only that I want touch, but that I want touch from men I feel attracted to. I feel disgusted that if a man who doesn't fall into the "I'm attracted to you" category offers touch in some way, it feels funny, or I feel myself cringe inside while receiving it or it doesn't quite 'hit the spot' so to speak. I feel disgusted that I see attractive men at work, out in public, wherever, and I find myself wondering what it would be like snuggled up to the man which his arm around me, or how it would feel if I were to give him a hug, or how it would feel if rubbed my shoulders, or whatever else it is. I feel disgusted that I fantasize about being touched by attractive men. I feel disgusted that those fantasies can go sexual so quickly. I often think that if the man knew I wanted whatever kind of touch it is I happen to be thinking of at the moment, that the man would withdraw from me or be afraid from me. The fear of being rejected over it only serves to heighten my shame at the time.
I feel disgusted with myself that I like looking at pornography or pornographic material. I feel disgusted when I find myself endlessly looking through pictures of an attractive man trying to find a picture where he's shirtless. I feel disgusted when I find myself imaging what a man would look like with his shirt off. I feel disgusted that I quickly scan a new man's body to find out if I'm attracted to them or not. I feel disgusted that I like the way a man's body looks.
I feel disgusted that I masturbate. I feel disgusted with the thoughts that lead me up to it. I even feel disgusted with the feelings of tiredness or loneliness that prompt the temptation to masturbate. I feel disgusted with myself during and afterward for how I feel or what I'm thinking about. I feel deeply ashamed about the fact that I do it.
I feel disgusted that I don't like everyone, or even worse, that there are people that I don't like. There are some people that I wish wouldn't interact with me, or that they would interact with me very rarely. I feel disgusted that I feel that way. I feel disgusted that I don't have the courage to step up and tell them to back off. When I do step up and express my wants, in whatever way I can, I feel disgusted that I did so.
I feel disgusted that I feel lonely and unloved, even though I am surrounded by people who love me. I have a family that loves me. I know it. I can see it in their actions and their words. My father has expressed many times how he and my mother love me. Yet, I feel disgusted that I feel empty inside when he says that. I feel disgusted that I'm so numb to the love that I craved so much growing up. I feel disgusted that I am so detached from the people around me.
I feel disgusted that I struggle so often with the simple spiritual things. I feel disgusted that I often forget to pray or study my scriptures. I feel disgusted that I forget about fasting. I feel disgusted that I resent going to church. I feel disgusted that when I go to church, all I can think about is my loneliness and my despair. I feel disgusted that I am too afraid to try to befriend the men in the ward. I feel disgusted that I'm not a regular home teacher and that I hardly know the names of the people I home teach currently. I feel disgusted at how easily I forget that I know and have felt that God loves me. I feel disgusted on how easily I abandon faith or hope when times get rough. I feel disgusted that I always think I have to do things 'on my own' without God's help or with help from anyone else.
Ultimately, I feel disgusted for who I am, how I feel, what I think about, what I do, and what I say.
I feel disgusted that I've worked on overcoming some of these things, but that they still come back. That I'm still detached. That I still don't know how to set clear boundaries. That I still feel so angry or lonely.
I hope by continuing to write this blog, I can learn more about myself. I hope that I can share my struggles. Hopefully it will help all of you that may feel similar things to me. I hope that by sharing this I can overcome the shame I feel. I hope that I can possibly learn to allow the people I love in closer into my life where I can feel their love and I can truly love them in return. Yet, as long as I continue to feel disgusted with myself, I will continue to struggle with the loneliness and anger that comes with it.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Sanity Loss 4Nov2011
I was introduced this year to a board game called Arkham Horror. It's a board game based off the H.P. Lovecraft universe. Characters in the game have both health and sanity. Health loss makes sense. People get hurt when they go on adventures. What about the sanity loss?
In the H.P. Lovecraft world, there are monsters that are so horrific or so alien, that looking at them assaults the very person's sanity, slowly driving them insane. Also, horrific events occur that challenge the character's sanity.
The sanity loss mechanic is definitely an interesting one. It's also used in video games like Amnesia, Penunmbra, and Call of Cthulu. When the characters in those games are exposed to various horrific things, then they will lose sanity. There are various effects of the sanity loss including blurred vision, seeing things that aren't there, hearing things that aren't there, etc. Basically, they go crazy.
Personally, I think the whole thing is fun, entertaining, and at times, horrific. I think it adds a nice touch to games. The ability for a game creator to invoke fear in a person is an art. I'm not talking about being startled. I'm talking about fear like paranoia and panic. The kind of fear that leaves me feeling unsettled, even after it's intensity has gone down.
It reminds me of the last time I played Resident Evil 5 with a friend. On a related note, I never play Resident Evil 5 by myself because the game is creepy. As we moved through an underground facility, we kept getting glimpses of an odd creature. It usually was just moving out of view, climbing on the walls and ceilings. We found documents describing something called a 'Licker'. A creature with an abnormally long tongue that was blind. It stalked its prey relying on its other overdeveloped senses.
We continued on through the facility. I was already feeling the affects of adrenaline, because I remembered fighting these creatures on a previous play-through of the game. After passing through a section with cages full of live animals, I saw a section with some glass. There were two Lickers inside. They immediately broke the glass, and one of them started slowly advancing on me. Nervous, but sure I could sneak around the creature. I slowly backed away, thinking I could loop around and completely avoid fighting the creature.
I forgot something as I finished the loop. The other creature. Out of nowhere, the creature leaped at me. I screamed, and directed my character to run to the exit. Unfortunately, the exit was a door that required a few seconds to crank open. Me and my friend were trapped.
The fight was a blur. I vaguely remember firing off the most powerful weapons I had, running around, yelling and laughing hysterically. When it was over, I was at the door, opening it as fast as I could, laughing my head off like a mad man.
The question is, had I lost sanity? Sanity is the ability to think and act rationally. Because my fear had overpowered me, I had, in a sense, gone temporarily insane. Once the fear started to dissipate, I still felt unsettled and jumpy. In fact, when I left my friends house, I looked up and checked to make sure there were no monsters about to jump me from above.
While playing a Dungeons and Dragons game, one of my characters fell into a cage of sorts. While he was trying to get back up, he heard the approach of something. It sounded like footsteps, and jangling keys. I was feeling scared. The creature did show up, and look at me. The way the DM did it, only served to heighten my fear.
One night I was coming home and walking up the stairs to my condo when I heard a strange noise. It sounded like chains jingling. The sound reminded some part of me of the sound of those keys jangling. I felt a sense of panic as I hastily searched for my key, unlocked the door, and darted inside. I half expected something to start pounding on the door after I locked it behind me.
Today at work, I had another experience where it felt like I loss some of my sanity. A man came over to visit with one of my co-workers, who wasn't at her desk. One of the guys next to me started to talk to man, who is apparently studying to become a paramedic. The things the guy was talking about left me feeling unsettled and scared.
When I got up to use the restroom, I noticed that things seemed...odd. The light seemed to bright. Things seemed to intense. I felt a vague sense of paranoia. My mind kept projecting half-ghostly images onto blank surfaces. The man next to me at the urinal scared me, although he did nothing. When I realized what was going on, I said that I had suffered some 'sanity loss'.
On a related note, last night I had to drive home really late. When I get really tired, and drive, my eyes will start playing tricks on me. Sometimes, they blur and refuse to focus for a few moments. Other times, it looks like something is there, in the corner of my eye. When I go to look at it, it's gone. Honestly, it probably is exhaustion. Needless to say, the experience is unsettling.
I've had many experiences in my life that have left me feeling horrified. There's been experiences where I've been paralyzed by fear before, and I lose the ability to think rationally. Sometimes I wonder if I've lost something permanently in those experiences. Sometimes I wonder if I've gone a little more crazy in the head each time one of those happens.
Perhaps a visit with the therapist is in order, at least, if the voices start talking to me.
In the H.P. Lovecraft world, there are monsters that are so horrific or so alien, that looking at them assaults the very person's sanity, slowly driving them insane. Also, horrific events occur that challenge the character's sanity.
The sanity loss mechanic is definitely an interesting one. It's also used in video games like Amnesia, Penunmbra, and Call of Cthulu. When the characters in those games are exposed to various horrific things, then they will lose sanity. There are various effects of the sanity loss including blurred vision, seeing things that aren't there, hearing things that aren't there, etc. Basically, they go crazy.
Personally, I think the whole thing is fun, entertaining, and at times, horrific. I think it adds a nice touch to games. The ability for a game creator to invoke fear in a person is an art. I'm not talking about being startled. I'm talking about fear like paranoia and panic. The kind of fear that leaves me feeling unsettled, even after it's intensity has gone down.
It reminds me of the last time I played Resident Evil 5 with a friend. On a related note, I never play Resident Evil 5 by myself because the game is creepy. As we moved through an underground facility, we kept getting glimpses of an odd creature. It usually was just moving out of view, climbing on the walls and ceilings. We found documents describing something called a 'Licker'. A creature with an abnormally long tongue that was blind. It stalked its prey relying on its other overdeveloped senses.
We continued on through the facility. I was already feeling the affects of adrenaline, because I remembered fighting these creatures on a previous play-through of the game. After passing through a section with cages full of live animals, I saw a section with some glass. There were two Lickers inside. They immediately broke the glass, and one of them started slowly advancing on me. Nervous, but sure I could sneak around the creature. I slowly backed away, thinking I could loop around and completely avoid fighting the creature.
I forgot something as I finished the loop. The other creature. Out of nowhere, the creature leaped at me. I screamed, and directed my character to run to the exit. Unfortunately, the exit was a door that required a few seconds to crank open. Me and my friend were trapped.
The fight was a blur. I vaguely remember firing off the most powerful weapons I had, running around, yelling and laughing hysterically. When it was over, I was at the door, opening it as fast as I could, laughing my head off like a mad man.
The question is, had I lost sanity? Sanity is the ability to think and act rationally. Because my fear had overpowered me, I had, in a sense, gone temporarily insane. Once the fear started to dissipate, I still felt unsettled and jumpy. In fact, when I left my friends house, I looked up and checked to make sure there were no monsters about to jump me from above.
While playing a Dungeons and Dragons game, one of my characters fell into a cage of sorts. While he was trying to get back up, he heard the approach of something. It sounded like footsteps, and jangling keys. I was feeling scared. The creature did show up, and look at me. The way the DM did it, only served to heighten my fear.
One night I was coming home and walking up the stairs to my condo when I heard a strange noise. It sounded like chains jingling. The sound reminded some part of me of the sound of those keys jangling. I felt a sense of panic as I hastily searched for my key, unlocked the door, and darted inside. I half expected something to start pounding on the door after I locked it behind me.
Today at work, I had another experience where it felt like I loss some of my sanity. A man came over to visit with one of my co-workers, who wasn't at her desk. One of the guys next to me started to talk to man, who is apparently studying to become a paramedic. The things the guy was talking about left me feeling unsettled and scared.
When I got up to use the restroom, I noticed that things seemed...odd. The light seemed to bright. Things seemed to intense. I felt a vague sense of paranoia. My mind kept projecting half-ghostly images onto blank surfaces. The man next to me at the urinal scared me, although he did nothing. When I realized what was going on, I said that I had suffered some 'sanity loss'.
On a related note, last night I had to drive home really late. When I get really tired, and drive, my eyes will start playing tricks on me. Sometimes, they blur and refuse to focus for a few moments. Other times, it looks like something is there, in the corner of my eye. When I go to look at it, it's gone. Honestly, it probably is exhaustion. Needless to say, the experience is unsettling.
I've had many experiences in my life that have left me feeling horrified. There's been experiences where I've been paralyzed by fear before, and I lose the ability to think rationally. Sometimes I wonder if I've lost something permanently in those experiences. Sometimes I wonder if I've gone a little more crazy in the head each time one of those happens.
Perhaps a visit with the therapist is in order, at least, if the voices start talking to me.
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