Music That I Like - Alive by Natalie Grant

It's been awhile since I've posted on here.  Having a second blog to post on (Mormon Geeks) has been sapping some of my writing creativity.  I'm going to share another song that I like.  Interestingly enough, I also heard this song first on K-LOVE, probably one of my favorite music radio stations.  The song for today's post is called 'Alive'.  The song comes from an album where the artist was portraying scenes from scriptures from the character's perspective.  This song is from the perspective of Mary Magdalene, when she first sees the risen Savior.  The song has a lot of power and energy to it.  It helps capture the feeling of joy and triumph that  knowledge of the resurrection brings as well as the miracle of the atonement.

Enjoy!



Lyrics:

Who but You
Could breathe and leave a trail of galaxies
And dream of me?
What kind of Love
Is writing my story until the end
With Mercy's pen?
Only You
What kind of king
Would choose to wear a crown that bleeds and scars
To win my heart?
What kind of Love
Tells me I'm the reason He can't stay
Inside the grave?
You. Is it You?
Standing here before my eyes
Every part of my heart cries

(Chorus)
Alive! Alive!
Look what Mercy's overcome
Death has lost and Love has won
Alive! Alive! Hallelujah, Risen Lord
The only One I fall before
I am His because He is alive.

Who could speak
And send the demons back from where they came
With just one Name?
What other heart
Would let itself be broken every time until He healed mine?
You. Only You
Could turn my darkness into dawn
Running right into Your arms

Chorus

Emmanuel, the promised King
The baby who made angels sing
Son of Man who walked with us
Healing, breathing in our dust
The author of all history
The answer to all mysteries
The Lamb of God who rolled away
The stone in front of every grave

Alive! Alive! Look what Mercy's overcome
Death has lost and Love has won
Alive! I am His because He is alive.
Alive!
(From http://www.klove.com/music/artists/natalie-grant/songs/alive-lyrics.aspx)

The Demons Come In Sideways

First off, this post is a scary one to write.  I feel like I may be writing about some thoughts and ideas that I've never shared before.  Also, I feel like I may be sharing one of the devils tricks.  Also, I'm afraid of some of the ramifications of what I want to share in this post.

Last night started out normal, and slowly turned into something very painful.  Typically on Thursday nights, I go and play computer games with some friends.  Last night ended with me tweeting some very scary things.  I'll start with those:

"The battlefield of the mind is a dynamic place.  One moment, things are calm.  The next, legions of demons emerge from the shadows."
"At first, the demons smile disarmingly, disabling defenses and setting all at ease."
"Then they slip sideways into thoughts, planing corrupt, poisoned seeds of lies that spread like a virus."
"Finally when the person has started to succumb to the poison, they try to crush the person with darkness and despair."

Last night, I was heading home on what I thought would be a typical night.  Rush home, grab my computer, and rush to hang to with the friends.  It would be an enjoyable evening where we ran around together in the game and laughed and struggled through it together.  At least, that was what I was hoping for.  I wanted to try to get to where we were meeting early to see if I could finish a book that I've been reading for the past month or so.

When I got home, I had a surprised.  There were a lot more people in the front room than I expected.  To explain, I live with a family of four.  Sitting on the couch was the father, as well as another man I knew, as well as some of both of their children sitting in chairs.  I was so shocked, I didn't recognize the other man for a few moments.  He smiled and said 'hi'.  In a daze, I think I said 'hi' to the man and his wife and went into my room to prepare my computer for transport.

By then, the demons had slipped out of the shadows.  Without realizing it, the negative self talk had started in my head:

Why is that family visiting? It seems that the two families are becoming good friends.  I feel kind of left out.  Well, that's my fault.  I'm hardly home and I hardly like to spend time with the family anyways.  The two guys seem to have a really good friendship going on.  I guess I'm not the kind of person that the other man was looking for.  I guess I'm not good enough.

It happened so quickly.  I became pretty withdrawn, and felt like I was a shadow moving through the place I lived.  Although I did want to give both of those men I knew, who are my friends, hugs before I left, I instead left the scene as quickly as I could, listening away to the lies in my head:

Oh, I don't want to do that in front of either of the wives.  What will they think of me?  Will they think I'm trying to hit on them?  Trying to make a pass?

It was when I was driving away when I finally realized I was listening to some of the oldest lies I've told myself for years.  "People don't care about me.  I'm not good enough.  I'm not worth love and affection."  I tried to counter it with truths I knew, but the poison had set in.  I felt sad.  I felt lonely.

I arrived at the game night, and it wasn't anything like I had hoped it to be.  Me and the 3 other guys were all doing different things in different places in the games.  It was incredibly lonely.  I made a few snarky jokes on and off, feeling vaguely angry that we weren't all together in the game, yet I didn't do anything about that fact.

As I was driving home, the sadness and the loneliness had set in.  My mind started to wonder.

There are deer along this part of the road.  What if I hit one of them?  I could die.  Mom would be there at my funeral crying.  Dying wouldn't be so bad.  I'd be free from the pain I have here, this grief and pain.

That's when I shook my head and realized I was fantasizing.  Still, I felt a deep pain in my heart.  I was crying.  I was sad, hurting, overcome by grief, a combination of the pain of loneliness, and the pains of a guilty conscious.  I knew I was guilty of so many different sins.  It felt like my heart was breaking.

As I carried my computer back into where I live, I felt dark, crushing despair.  It was like something was trying to squeeze the hope out of me. It was a struggle to breath, and I managed to unlock the house and get inside.  As I went back for the rest of the computer, I didn't want to go back inside.  I knew the demons were out there.  Finally, I was able to get everything in my house.

I was tempted with various things.  One thought said 'Oh, set up your computer, look at some pornography. You'll feel better.'  Another said 'Why don't you masturbate?  It's the only time you're really loving yourself!  After all, only you love yourself.'  And even, there was a few thoughts about trying to end my life.  I'm very scared to admit, but I did consider it for a moment, and even thought of way to do it.

All through this, I was praying.  I was trying to connect.  I honestly don't know why I didn't feel an answer.  I laid down, texting two friends of mine.  The pain was still there.  Tears were still streaming down my face.  Many times I whimpered because of the pain.  Sometimes, I just wanted to implode on the spot and stop being because it felt like too much.  I don't ever remember falling asleep.

This morning, I can still feel that pain in my heart.  I still do feel a sense of guilt over things I've done.  The one sin I was guilty of last night was perpetuating those lies I've told myself all the years and for listening to those demons.  Honestly, I am afraid.  I feel afraid whenever thoughts of suicide come up.  I honestly feel like I'm too much of a coward to actually do anything like that.  I also realize it would cause a great deal of pain to many people that I love.  At what point though, does the pain get to be too much?  I honestly feel like I am getting near some kind of breaking point.  Something has to give.  There's something in me that needs to break before I can move on from whatever it is I've been going through the last day, week, month...time period.

For now, I'm going to keep moving and try to feel my way through this pain.

Blood & Darkness

I'm having a hard time coming up with a title for this post.  I think it's mostly a random collection of thoughts that I've been having lately.

First, I'm very grateful for a number of things that are happening in my life. I feel like I'm facing and trying to root out some deep set lies I've told myself.  I've also started to feel again the love that Heavenly Father has for me.  Also, I've had some really good hugs lately.  It seems it's been awhile since hugging has felt good for me.

On another hand, life has been a struggle.  I've been facing loneliness.  I've been struggling with sinning and giving in to temptation.  Even thought I'm blessed with a degree of physical agility and balance, it feels like I'm very clumsy with relationships.

This morning, I was thinking about a number of different friendships that have changed 'for the worse' in my opinion.  I also thought of a number of friendships that just didn't work out for me.  I thought that I was the one responsible for all of it.  The thought 'I ruin everything!' entered into my mind.  That's when a second voice started.  It said 'Sure, you may ruin things, but that's what the Atonement is for.  It's to fix things'.  Angrily I thought to myself 'That's no excuse!'  That's when the voice replied 'It's not an excuse; it's a mercy'.  I've been pondering on that idea for a long time.  The fact that I can repent is a mercy granted to me.  I may struggle with the same sins, the same mistakes over and over again.  That's fine.  I'm not perfect.  Each time I repent doesn't have to be the ultimate final time to find mercy.

There's another thing I am grateful for.  I have about 6 different CDs of music in my car, and I've set the CD player to random.  Lately, it's been playing the Bayonetta CD far more than all of the other ones.  I finally took the time last night to finalize my own personal mix of the songs I enjoyed the most.  I put it in the car this morning.  When the CD started playing, the first song it played was 'Blood & Darkness'.  In the past when the song had played, I could only think of what was going on in that game when the song was playing.  It was the final battle between Bayonetta and another witch named Jeanne.  It always seemed to be about their struggle.  Oddly, when the music was playing, it felt like it was more about my struggle in life.  It feels like I'm there fighting against the Darkness of life.  Where does the Blood come in?  The Blood could easily represent the blood of the Lamb that was spilled for me.  It can represent the power of the Atonement that fights on my side against the darkness.  I am once again amazed at how gospel truths can show up nearly anywhere if I look hard enough for them.

Maybe I do make mistakes.  Maybe I have broken some good friendships.  Maybe I did push too far in a few relationships.  The Atonement is there to heal me, to bind up my wounds, and give me the power to fight against the evil of the world.  I'm not alone in this.  None of us are alone in this.

I will be writing up a post about the song 'Blood & Darkness' as well as a few other from the Bayonetta soundtrack that I've liked.  When it's written, it will be linked here.

Toxic Shame, Deep-set Lies

This will be a difficult post to write for me.  Not difficult because I'm afraid to share it.  Difficult because of the pain I know that it's going to touch on.  Once more, into the breach.

In my support group this week, I did something where I looked into events where I had felt shamed.  Sometime soon, I'll have to start up a series of posts called 'From the Memory Vault' where I share things from my past that I'm able to remember.  I actually have a draft for one, but I'm too afraid to share it.  I'm frankly worried about how I could explain it without the event becoming too pornographic.  Here's a list of some of the shameful memories that I was able to remember this week:

• In kindergarten, I colored a hand purple.  The teacher had me re-color it because it was the 'wrong color'.
• In kindergarten, my teacher found my lunch, raised it up, asked who's it was.  I raised my hand and she didn't see me, and it caused trouble later.
• I was forced to recount in front of the whole primary a time when I didn't come when my mother called
• At 8, I was told 'He shouldn't have gone in there!' by a man at the front desk of a military locker room, after I had gone in with my dad
• My dad telling me, at 8-9 years old, "If you were older, you would have needed to talk to a bishop"
• Various events with yelling and throwing of toys
• Me getting caught playing the Legend of Zelda early in the morning...Sunday morning
• Me getting in trouble for spitting on a girl

That was the list of memories of shame that I had from this group.  As a kid, these were some of the messages that I got:

• I don't belong here
• I'm not valued
• I don't belong with men
• I don't matter
• I do everything wrong
• I'm always in trouble
• You don't care.

At some point early in my life, I decided that people didn't care about me.  I must have started ignoring any attempts by people around me to love and care about me.  Even if I was able to perceive it, I would eventually rationalize it away.  In short, I was detached from the people around me.  I figured, if they don't care about me, why should I care about them?  I decided to go off and live in a fantasy world.  At the same time, I became a 'people pleaser'.  I did whatever it took to make people leave me alone.  I would satisfy people and try not to draw attention to myself.  I did my best in school for fear of 'doing things wrong'.  I remember being mortified the first time I was late to a class in my life.


I delved a bit deeper into that first memory I shared.  At one point, I came to the realization that my teacher didn't care about me.  No one seemed to care about me growing up.  I was just another warm body.  I was an object in the room.  And deep down, all I wanted as a kid was to feel special, loved, noticed, cared for, delighted in.

I also got some good insight into one of my 'flavors' of attraction.  I generally feel attracted to men bigger than me, to men that I judge are stronger than me.  I also feel afraid around them, intimidated by them.  It's an interesting internal conflict.  I think it goes back to feeling shamed by various adults in my life.  I wanted to feel loved by them, and instead I felt shamed by them.  To this day, I find myself seeking that love and approval from the 'big men', from the 'adults'.  I still want and crave that acceptance, affection, affirmation, ...love from them.  That flavor of attraction is one of the hardest to 'shake off'.  It's one of the hardest to resolve for me, probably because it's very deeply set.

Last night, I went to hang out with some friends.  As soon as I showed up, they said 'hi', but then went back to talking with each other.  I felt that same story come up. 'They don't care.  They've never cared.  You're just another person to them'.  I tried to compensate by smiling and making jokes.  On the way home, I felt lonely.  As I was driving, I was looking at the world around me, admiring Heavenly Father's handiwork.  A thought came to me: yes, this is a manifestation of His love.  But, it's a manifestation of His love to everyone.  It's a blanket statement.  It's sent out generally to everyone.  I do acknowledge there have been a few times when I have seen tender mercies in my life, when I have felt that I was specifically cared for.  Somehow...I'm just not feeling it right now.

This morning, it finally hit me.  The same idea 'You don't care' shows up in my relationship with my Heavenly Father.  When I pray, I tell myself that I'm just another warm body to Him.  No wonder the heaven's have felt so closed.  No wonder I feel like I've slipped through the cracks and have fallen of His radar.  I keep telling myself the same lie.

The same lie that has been lodged deep in my psyche.

I've even tried telling myself positive stories.  Sure, they help for awhile, but the same old lie creeps up and slowly strangles my attempts at changing how I think.  The poison is set deep.

Now I sit here, feeling empty, with the beginnings of tears in my eyes.  I don't even know if I can see the depth of this wound that was dealt to me.  I feel angry that I've continued to tell myself the same lie.  I'm angry that I made the choice to feel ashamed and to detach while I was young.  I feel like I've screwed up my life by making the choices I did.  "It's all my fault".  I chose to react the way I did.  I chose to detach.  It's my choice, I have to live with the consequences.

Perhaps I'm not heeding the saying that I came up with while talking with a friend a few weeks ago.  The saying is 'You're supposed to carry your cross, not nail yourself to it!'  I need to find a way to carry the burden this lie has created without it paralyzing me.  And ultimately, I need to find out how to heal it and how to surrender it.  There is a way.  I believe that there is healing through Christ's Atonement.  There is strength there, and there is grace.  There is forgiveness and love.  My heart feels too afraid to trust.  It's been hurt so many times before. I keep hurting it by feeding it the same lie, and yet I keep sheltering it from any outside attempt to heal it.

Sounds like madness to me.