I opened up the blogspot website, and opened up my profile to see what was on it. I didn't get any further due to fear. This morning, I opened up the tag at work and I was able to complete my profile...and basically publicly put it out there that I had feelings of same gender attraction. In other words, I'm attracted to men.
I'm terrified. I'm scared of sharing this information publicly, here on a website that any person could walk in and see. Why? Because I don't know how people will react. I'm terrified of being rejected. I feel like I'm setting of a nuke by posting this. I'll push the button, and watch the explosion and resulting fallout.
Maybe for a better analogy, I'm setting off a 'rainbow' bomb. I use the term rainbow, because every person is going to see something different in the bomb. White light is actually light composed of rays of light of many different colors. A rainbow is what happens when something allows those colors to be seen individually. I feel that truth and light are closely related. By sharing this truth about myself, I'm sharing some light on myself, allowing myself to be seen.
I realized recently that I feel lonely in groups, and that I don't feel connected to people that I spend time with. It is a longstanding problem. What causes it? I don't allow myself to be seen. I don't make myself known. I don't share the truth about myself, whether it's something as simple as how I'm feeling or some deeper issue that's going on.
What's at risk if I share this truth about myself? I could lose my job. I could be hated. I could be rejected. I could be subject to attacks and assault from every angle, including from the adversary. Yet, on the other hand: I could be known, loved, wanted, accepted, and finally I may feel like I belong to a group. I could belong to a group. That brings tears to my eyes.
I'm not going to say who I am just yet. If you read this post, and like it, please share it. Tweet it, share it on Facebook, show it to your friends. I feel like people don't know me, and this is the first step to being known. I may be the person next to you on the bus, or a person waiting in line with you. I could be a co-worker or your friend. If you think it's me, please be careful talking to me about starting a new blog. I'm already scared out of my wits by first posting this. I may be pretty defensive and guarded at first. Nothing personal, it's just how I've lived my life for so long.
Things I plan on sharing on this blog include, but are not limited to:
- My own personal life experiences
- Music that speaks to my feelings/life experiences
- Video games and books that I like - my reactions to them, feelings about them
- Random things that I like
If a post is potentially graphic, or intense, I'll do my best to label them as such. It's my hope that this blog will not be of detriment to anyone. I realize some things I share carry a heavy emotional charge for me, and may influence you, the reader, as well.