I just got back from a wonderful night out. I went to North Star's chili cookoff, which was wonderful (I'll be putting up a "Resources" page explaining what North Star is soon). Then I met up with an old high school friend to go to a haunted house called Strangling Brothers. It was a haunted circus. I love haunted houses, and I am glad I took the opportunity to go. I wasn't able to go last year. I miss going to one each year. I love Halloween too.
I've been to many haunted houses with this friend. This time, it was pretty different. In the past, I've been utterly terrified, panicked, and very easy to startle. All the screaming, loud noises, and people in my face would get to me. Oddly, this time they didn't. I can count on one hand the number of times I was startled, although there were two parts that highly unnerved me (so I don't spoil the haunted house, I won't share). I found myself taking point most of the time, taking initiative, and pushing on even when other people seemed to pause. Many times, I looked the actors straight in the eye. I felt brave, and didn't let the fear get to me.
However, in some ways, I was giving in to fear. Twice before we even got into the circus, my friend asked me where I was hanging out before I got there. To tell him, I felt I would have to tell him about my same gender attraction first. I didn't want to tell him the first time he asked because we were talking on the phone, and I wanted to tell him in person. I didn't tell him the second time because too many people were around. I had two other opportunities when no one was around to tell him, but he never brought it up. I was too afraid to tell him.
I can make a whole list of excuses of why I didn't tell him. I don't know him well. I don't recall him sharing very many personal things with him. Our friendship really isn't that deep. We are guys that just like to hang out and do things together. Honestly, I like our friendship and I like spending time with him. I am afraid that telling him I have same gender attraction would change our relationship. I fear his judgements. I fear that he wouldn't want to be my friend anymore.
Really, was I brave tonight, or was I a coward? In some ways, I was both.
On another note, Strangling Brothers was a decent haunted house for $20. It's located in Draper, UT on 138th south -ish. They had some pretty clever tricks that I liked. If you are asthmatic, or prone to seizures via flashing lights, I recommend not going.