Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Music That Speaks To My Grief - My Immortal

This is the third and final song that helped me after my cat Taz died.  This is probably the first one I heard, but I felt like saving it for last.  It some ways, it's the most poignant of the songs I've shared about this.

Rock music and I have a very interesting relationship.  In junior high and high school, I was convinced that rock music was evil and 'of the devil', at least on some level.  However, at a high school assembly, a band composed of some of my fellow class mates played "Wake Me Up Inside" by Evanescence.  I fell in love with it instantly, even though I still felt like it was 'forbidden'.  Lately, my attitude has changed.  I can now evaulate each rock song individually rather than simply dismiss the whole genre.

That aside, Evanescence is probably one of my favorite rock bands.  I like a number of their songs.  This song, "My Immortal", I first heard shortly before my mission.  I also heard it quite a bit in the first area of my mission. I remember being drawn and captivated by it's melody, haunted by it in some ways.

And here it is:


I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase


I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along


The song still brings tears to my eyes.  It still brings back the grief.

The song speaks to me about how people 'hang around' even after they leave.  Just because someone or something has left my life, their memories continue to live on, immortal in so many ways.  With my cat, for many weeks after he was put down, I still was expecting to see him.  My hands still remember how it felt to pet him and scratch behind his ears.  I can still remember the times he, and his brother Sly, seemed to love me.  They could tell when I was having a bad day.  They seemed to care, and they always seemed open to receiving my affection.  To this day, I still miss Taz when I go to my parents.  I guess with Sly, his passing has been long enough that I've stopped expecting him to be there.  The place by the garbage can where their food and water dishes were seems empty.  It's odd to not see cat hair everywhere or get random whiffs of the little box.  Yet, the memories live on.

I miss my cats.  I miss many people.  Memories of them live on.  Sometimes the memories haunt me.  Sometimes they bring a smile to my face.  And many times it feels like I left a part of myself with those people.  I think of the people on my mission.  I think of friends from high school.  I think of mission companions.  I think of people from where I used to live.  I think of the people I know who have passed on through the veil of death.

Their memories linger on.  The pain is real.  There are memories that time doesn't erase.  But eventually, all wounds will heal.

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