Friday, October 28, 2011

Music That Speaks To Me - In The Arms Of An Angel

Every so often, I find a song that I really like and that seems to speak about me and my life.  The song seems to capture a small piece of me and put it to music.  Today's song is just that.

Here is "Arms of the Angel" by Sarah McLacklan.

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance 
For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel not good enough 
And it's hard at the end of the day 
I need some distraction oh beautiful release 
Memories seep from my veins 
They may be empty and weightless and maybe 
I'll find some peace tonight 

In the arms of an Angel fly away from here 
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear 
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie 
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn 
There's vultures and thieves at your back 
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies 
That you make up for all that you lack 

It don't make no difference, escaping one last time 
It's easier to believe 
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness 
That brings me to my knees 

In the arms of an Angel far away from here 
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear 
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie 
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here 

You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

This song almost never fails to bring tears to my eyes.  It resonates so well with my life and how I feel like things.  Most of the time, I find myself waiting for that 'second chance', that 'break' that will somehow make everything ok and good.  Sometimes that 'second chance' takes the form of a best friend that I've always wanted.  Sometimes it looks like being free from same gender attraction.  Sometimes it looks like a father figure taking time to hold me.

Distraction.  I live a good deal of my life distracted from my own emotions.  I find myself always having to "entertain" myself.  Sometimes it does make me feel good. Sometimes I even feel happy and content.  When it's over, feelings of fear, loneliness, and grief tend to come back.  When the 'usual' distractions of video games or YouTube don't work, I turn to more potent numbing agents like fantasy, masturbation, or even pornography.  In some ways, these distractions are a release for me.

Memories are not easy things for me to hold on to.  I have so many emotionally charged memories.  Some that are attached with anger, sadness, fear, rejection, or even memories of experiences that I interpreted as being sexual.  I've found it easier to suppress them, to let them seep away from me.  I have a hard time remembering specific things from my childhood.  It only comes with effort.

The second verse seems to be very applicable.  There are many times I've felt weary of living the gospel, of trying to follow the 'straight line'.  It feels like the world is watching me, waiting for me to slip up.  I feel like I have to keep building lies to keep myself safe from them all.  It's easier to keep slipping back into destructive habits.

Ultimately, it all brings me to my knees.  It brings me to pray.  Many times, I've knelt and prayed for help, for answers, for friends, for guidance, for whatever it was I thought I needed.  Many times, I've looked at other men, and wanted them to rescue me.  I wanted to be rescued from the 'endless' nature of my problems and struggles.  I've wanted so many times to be in the arms of an angel, to be held, to be comforted.

Last night, I went to a fireside.  A man came and set next to me that I hadn't seen in awhile.  I honestly value the man's friendship, but I judge he's a popular guy, so I don't contact him very often.  It was nice to sit next to him, and have him put his arm on the bench behind me.  I wanted, crazy, desired, was that he would put his arm around me.  I wanted him to hold me and to shelter me.  As I was leaving, I saw a second man that I also wanted to hold me.  I've noticed my fantasies as I lay down to sleep seem to have a pattern.  I imagine up something strong and masculine to come and shelter me, to hold me.

Many times, my prayers to be comforted have been answered.  I have felt many times like a divine presence has comforted me, hugged me.  Sometimes it's been with another man in a safe and appropriate location.  It's been incredibly wonderful to be held again.

Even though I tasted of the positive aspect of this, I feel fear and frustration.  Why as an adult man do I crave being held by a father figure?  Shouldn't I be past this?  I think the answer lies in not bonding sufficiently with dad while growing up.  Because I withdrew and detached so early from him, I didn't give him the chance to love and shelter me when it was appropriate.  Part of the answer also may lie in my 'love language'.  I typically feel most loved while being touched.  That definitely is a part of me that needs to be explored in a separate blog post to give it justice.

I pray that soon I'll be able to pull myself from the wreckage, or that an angel is on it's way to help pull me out.  Feels like it's been too long since I've trusted myself into the arms of an angel.

1 comment:

  1. Are you sure its a 'father figure' you're wanting? I used to tell myself lies about what I wanted, until I finally was honest with myself and admitted I was simply attracted to men. I was making it WAY more complicated than it really was...