Recently, I started using a website called 'Moodscope' that helps to track a persons mood each day. Today, I got the lowest score since I've started using it (15%). Ironically, the site suggested that 'It could be useful to talk it all through with someone close'. Oddly, I don't feel like there's anyone close. I've pushed everyone away. My defensive detachment seems to be set into a sense of overdrive. I've been feeling a lot of confusion, despair, sadness, grief, fear bordering on paranoia. I've been struggling with thoughts of acting out, browsing through peoples pictures, even feeling urges to walk by places to see if I can find any shirtless guys to stare out. In short, I think that I'm a sort of death spiral.
In the core of the death spiral is a fear of vulnerability. I know that is the root of the problem. I'm afraid to open up to the people that I once felt close to. I keep thinking that going to an in person support group really isn't changing anything. I keep thinking that online support groups are useless. I keep thinking that spending time with people in person, one on one, is largely a waste of time. All because I'm afraid to open up. I even think that putting out this blog post is a huge waste of time.
In person, I've grown tired of feeling verbally dumped on by other people. I've grown tired of feeling like I have to tell other people to back off. I've grown tired of hiding behind a mask of humor and hilarity when I'd really prefer just curling up in a ball and crying. I've grown tired of lying about how I really feel. I've grown so tired of seeing other people as objects and not people, and feeling the same way about myself.
With support groups, I've definitely become very passive when it comes to reaching out. In a sense, I've grown so tired of trying to make friends there in the past that I really don't care anymore. I spend all the time waiting for someone to come to me rather than seeking out friendship. In the past, I've felt like I haven't been able to establish the sort of friendship I want. Either the other person seems cool, distant, and intellectual, or something happens that doesn't make me feel safe. Sometimes I do open up to the other person, and I think that the other person isn't willing to do the same. It's honestly been driving me mad.
With the online support groups, it either feels like a place for humor or debate. I hardly feel safe sharing things personal any more. When I have put up what was basically a cry for help, I feel life I've been ignored or given unwanted advice. Some people have responded with empathy, but it doesn't ever seem to amount to anything. I'm too afraid to continue to be open.
In relation to the blog, I think that no one ever reads it. Sure, I see stat counters go up, every so often I have someone talk to me in person about it. Every so often, I see a comment on it. It makes me start to wonder, what is it that I'm looking for? Why am I not happy with how things are?
The truth is, I've been hurting pretty badly. I've been feeling the need for connection to the people around me, yet I've sabotaged all my attempts to really connect to people. Yesterday, I was driving home along my usual route. There is a turn in the freeway. I glanced out straight and saw all the open space and wondered how wonderful it would feel to fly away from it all. It was then that I realized how easy it would be to simply turn my car into the barrier and try to end my life.
This is a cry for help. I feel pessimistic about it. Even if it is responded to, will I accept the response or will I continue to deflect those people who do try to be my friend until I am ultimately alone? I'm pretty sure I'm crazy. And this post is definitely proof of it. I've been praying, and I definitely feel like I could use more.
P.S. (added at 1:36 PM):
I am feeling a great deal different now. I will still keep up this post as an authentic and honest post of the negative thinking trap I was in. I have so many people who love me, admire me, and appreciate me. I am loved.
I want you to know that you are loved as well! There is healing and there is hope. Reach out and reach up and there will be hands there waiting anxiously to grasp yours.
I love you all. Thanks.
Showing posts with label Blogging. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Blogging. Show all posts
Friday, April 6, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Underneath The Armor - A Status Update 11Jan2012
It's been about four days since I last posted on here. The last major post that I made was basically claiming this blog as my own and putting my own name on it. I basically put it out in the public that I experience same gender attraction and often struggle with it.
It's been an interesting and disappointing last few days. So far, a number of people have commented on the blog post, some friends from college and a former co-worker. Also, a few people from the SSA community have also talked to me about it. Honestly, I was hoping for some other people to see and respond. There are other people with whom I want to be more open and honest. Yet, I'm still afraid to share myself with those people, especially about the attraction. Even though it's 'out there' I'm still afraid of owning up to it in public. The most I've tried is texting someone from the group and asking if they've read my blog. All I've heard back was 'Yeah, I knew that you had a blog.' That's about as far as I felt safe pushing on it. Really, if a person does or doesn't read my blog, it's more of the other person's choice. I feel like I've tried to make it public, and tried to share it.
On to the main topic of my post. Lately, the weather here in Utah has taken a turn for the cold again, so I'm layering up. This morning, after putting on my jacket and my coat, I honestly wished I could put on a mask or a faceguard of some kind. I've been feeling very ashamed of how I've been feeling/thinking/acting lately. I know that I'm not in a very good place, yet I'm too afraid to reach out for the help I need. I find myself waiting for other people to do it first as if I expect everyone else to inherently know that things aren't going well with me. I can probably count on one hand the number of people who have reached out to support me or at least reached out to contact me.
Lately, some people have been asking me 'Hey, how are you?' or any of it's variants or mutations. They've asked me in a variety of places. Honestly, the responses may very with how much I trust the person. I've honestly put on a great deal of 'armor' or 'masks' lately to cover up what's really been going on.
So how am I doing?
Outer layer:
In the outermost layer, I'll probably smile, give a nod. I'll say I'm doing 'alright' or 'good' or possibly even 'well' if I'm actually feeling good at the time. In this layer, I generally hide a great deal of what's really going on. I feel uncomfortable going in deeper, so I often move away or keep the topics of conversation at very superficial levels.
One layer down:
On this layer, I may actually honestly say if I'm doing well or not. I may say 'I'm having a rough time' without going into details. My smile may fade. My eyes may begin to tell the truth of my story. Even at this layer, I feel uncomfortable and unsafe with a good majority of people.
Two layers down:
On this layer, I may start to go into the details of what's been going on. I may say 'I've been feeling sad/angry/lonely/depressed.' Even my feelings cover up a great deal of what's been going on.
Three layers down:
Things start to get even more personal. I share more details of what's going on. I feel like an outsider at church. I try to smile and be friendly, but it doesn't seem to help. People don't seem to want to sit by me. People at work seem to avert their gaze when I go by. People don't seem to want to interact with me, unless I do so first. On this layer, I point my finger in blame at the other people. I start to tap into the pain that I feel most of the time. I may admit that I feel attracted to other people.
Four layers down:
I realize that all the things I've been blaming other people for, are really my fault. I say 'No one wants to sit with me at Elder's Quorum, because there's something wrong with me.' On this layer, I tell myself there are things 'wrong with me'. I honestly have a hard time expressing this to other people. I honestly even have a hard time admitting that I tell myself these things. On this layer, I may realize that the way other people act really has little to do with me and everything to do with them. I'm more honest at this layer of who I'm attracted to and what attracts me about them. I'm also honest about how my I am disgusted with myself, or how I put myself down over why I feel attracted to certain people. I put myself down for the desires related to those attractions.
There are things that I am even afraid of speaking about publicly, in this blog.
How have I been doing? Honestly, I've been doing poorly lately. I've been struggling with the basics of prayer and reading my scriptures. I've been trying to pray, but sometimes I feel like I've been left to struggle through things on my own. My work has changed lately, and I feel bored and even more alone. I feel frustrated when I'm attracted to a person that I see either at work, in public, or in my support group. I've been growing more isloated and withdrawn. I've grown tired of listening to the voices in my head that cry out that other people have hurt me, left me, abandoned me. I'm tired of asking myself 'Why won't anyone sit next to me?' 'Why don't people talk to me unless I talk to them first?'. I've grown so tired of hearing my own personal demons hiss from other people's faces.
How have I been coping? I've been trying to drown my woes in computer games, staying up late, eating chocolate. I've been struggling against the temptation to look at triggering pictures. I've been struggling with the habit of masturbation. I've been struggling with fantasizing what it would be like to be with another man.
What is it I need?
Honestly, I'm not entirely sure. Love. I want to feel loved by the people around me. I want to feel loved by Heavenly Father. Maybe part of what I need is to stop sabotaging other people's attempts to love me. I honestly think that I've been hiding from the hurt for so long, that opening up to feel loved is only going to bring up all that hidden hurt. I'm afraid of it. I run from it, yet it never leaves me. It always is with me no matter what I do to try to numb it or drown it out.
This morning, a quote from a General Authority which says something like this 'Assume that the people around you are in distress, and you will often be right'. It occurred to me on my drive in to work that other people are probably in just as much pain as I am. People around me are probably struggling with loneliness, with attraction, with anger, with sadness, and with depression. The people around me are also probably screaming out in pain, screaming out to be loved by the people around them as well.
That makes me think a number of things. First, part of me wants to think I'm insane for asking to feel loved by the people around me. If everyone is struggling just as much as I am, how am I supposed to expect them to go out of their way to express any kind of love for me? Second, I deride myself for not reaching out to help lift other people more. Third, I feel frustrated that when I have reached out, the other people have been to armored to respond. I realize this has honestly a lot more to do with the other people than it has to do with me. I'm not going to try to force a response out of people. If I were to force another person, it would probably damage my relationship with the person, and wouldn't do them a whole lot of good. In other words, forcing another person to open up would be more about me than it would be about the other person. Fifth, I need to show more compassion for the people around me. Honestly, I need to have more compassion for myself, and more patience. I need to stop getting stuck in the trap of self-pity.
In summary, all I want is to feel loved and to love the people around me. What impedes me are the demons, the lies that resound inside my head and the temptations that easily beset me. I often get stuck so deeply in the trap of self-pity that I don't reach out for help, or I reject the attempts of people to try to reach out to me. In short, I'm convinced that I've gone totally crazy in the head. I honestly wonder if I should be locked up in a padded chamber so my craziness won't hurt me or anyone else.
If you're reading this, and you are struggling in some way, please take care of yourself. Talk to the people that you love and trust. Also, even if you are struggling or aren't, take time to reach out and show your love to the people around you. It may look any number of ways. Maybe it means writing a letter, or an e-mail, or sending a text. Maybe it looks like putting your arm around someone. Maybe it means being a shoulder to try on or a listening ear. Maybe it means giving a person some space to breath. Maybe it means trying to move in a bit closer and being a bit more honest with that person. In any case, perhaps the person best to start with would be yourself.
It's been an interesting and disappointing last few days. So far, a number of people have commented on the blog post, some friends from college and a former co-worker. Also, a few people from the SSA community have also talked to me about it. Honestly, I was hoping for some other people to see and respond. There are other people with whom I want to be more open and honest. Yet, I'm still afraid to share myself with those people, especially about the attraction. Even though it's 'out there' I'm still afraid of owning up to it in public. The most I've tried is texting someone from the group and asking if they've read my blog. All I've heard back was 'Yeah, I knew that you had a blog.' That's about as far as I felt safe pushing on it. Really, if a person does or doesn't read my blog, it's more of the other person's choice. I feel like I've tried to make it public, and tried to share it.
On to the main topic of my post. Lately, the weather here in Utah has taken a turn for the cold again, so I'm layering up. This morning, after putting on my jacket and my coat, I honestly wished I could put on a mask or a faceguard of some kind. I've been feeling very ashamed of how I've been feeling/thinking/acting lately. I know that I'm not in a very good place, yet I'm too afraid to reach out for the help I need. I find myself waiting for other people to do it first as if I expect everyone else to inherently know that things aren't going well with me. I can probably count on one hand the number of people who have reached out to support me or at least reached out to contact me.
Lately, some people have been asking me 'Hey, how are you?' or any of it's variants or mutations. They've asked me in a variety of places. Honestly, the responses may very with how much I trust the person. I've honestly put on a great deal of 'armor' or 'masks' lately to cover up what's really been going on.
So how am I doing?
Outer layer:
In the outermost layer, I'll probably smile, give a nod. I'll say I'm doing 'alright' or 'good' or possibly even 'well' if I'm actually feeling good at the time. In this layer, I generally hide a great deal of what's really going on. I feel uncomfortable going in deeper, so I often move away or keep the topics of conversation at very superficial levels.
One layer down:
On this layer, I may actually honestly say if I'm doing well or not. I may say 'I'm having a rough time' without going into details. My smile may fade. My eyes may begin to tell the truth of my story. Even at this layer, I feel uncomfortable and unsafe with a good majority of people.
Two layers down:
On this layer, I may start to go into the details of what's been going on. I may say 'I've been feeling sad/angry/lonely/depressed.' Even my feelings cover up a great deal of what's been going on.
Three layers down:
Things start to get even more personal. I share more details of what's going on. I feel like an outsider at church. I try to smile and be friendly, but it doesn't seem to help. People don't seem to want to sit by me. People at work seem to avert their gaze when I go by. People don't seem to want to interact with me, unless I do so first. On this layer, I point my finger in blame at the other people. I start to tap into the pain that I feel most of the time. I may admit that I feel attracted to other people.
Four layers down:
I realize that all the things I've been blaming other people for, are really my fault. I say 'No one wants to sit with me at Elder's Quorum, because there's something wrong with me.' On this layer, I tell myself there are things 'wrong with me'. I honestly have a hard time expressing this to other people. I honestly even have a hard time admitting that I tell myself these things. On this layer, I may realize that the way other people act really has little to do with me and everything to do with them. I'm more honest at this layer of who I'm attracted to and what attracts me about them. I'm also honest about how my I am disgusted with myself, or how I put myself down over why I feel attracted to certain people. I put myself down for the desires related to those attractions.
There are things that I am even afraid of speaking about publicly, in this blog.
How have I been doing? Honestly, I've been doing poorly lately. I've been struggling with the basics of prayer and reading my scriptures. I've been trying to pray, but sometimes I feel like I've been left to struggle through things on my own. My work has changed lately, and I feel bored and even more alone. I feel frustrated when I'm attracted to a person that I see either at work, in public, or in my support group. I've been growing more isloated and withdrawn. I've grown tired of listening to the voices in my head that cry out that other people have hurt me, left me, abandoned me. I'm tired of asking myself 'Why won't anyone sit next to me?' 'Why don't people talk to me unless I talk to them first?'. I've grown so tired of hearing my own personal demons hiss from other people's faces.
How have I been coping? I've been trying to drown my woes in computer games, staying up late, eating chocolate. I've been struggling against the temptation to look at triggering pictures. I've been struggling with the habit of masturbation. I've been struggling with fantasizing what it would be like to be with another man.
What is it I need?
Honestly, I'm not entirely sure. Love. I want to feel loved by the people around me. I want to feel loved by Heavenly Father. Maybe part of what I need is to stop sabotaging other people's attempts to love me. I honestly think that I've been hiding from the hurt for so long, that opening up to feel loved is only going to bring up all that hidden hurt. I'm afraid of it. I run from it, yet it never leaves me. It always is with me no matter what I do to try to numb it or drown it out.
This morning, a quote from a General Authority which says something like this 'Assume that the people around you are in distress, and you will often be right'. It occurred to me on my drive in to work that other people are probably in just as much pain as I am. People around me are probably struggling with loneliness, with attraction, with anger, with sadness, and with depression. The people around me are also probably screaming out in pain, screaming out to be loved by the people around them as well.
That makes me think a number of things. First, part of me wants to think I'm insane for asking to feel loved by the people around me. If everyone is struggling just as much as I am, how am I supposed to expect them to go out of their way to express any kind of love for me? Second, I deride myself for not reaching out to help lift other people more. Third, I feel frustrated that when I have reached out, the other people have been to armored to respond. I realize this has honestly a lot more to do with the other people than it has to do with me. I'm not going to try to force a response out of people. If I were to force another person, it would probably damage my relationship with the person, and wouldn't do them a whole lot of good. In other words, forcing another person to open up would be more about me than it would be about the other person. Fifth, I need to show more compassion for the people around me. Honestly, I need to have more compassion for myself, and more patience. I need to stop getting stuck in the trap of self-pity.
In summary, all I want is to feel loved and to love the people around me. What impedes me are the demons, the lies that resound inside my head and the temptations that easily beset me. I often get stuck so deeply in the trap of self-pity that I don't reach out for help, or I reject the attempts of people to try to reach out to me. In short, I'm convinced that I've gone totally crazy in the head. I honestly wonder if I should be locked up in a padded chamber so my craziness won't hurt me or anyone else.
If you're reading this, and you are struggling in some way, please take care of yourself. Talk to the people that you love and trust. Also, even if you are struggling or aren't, take time to reach out and show your love to the people around you. It may look any number of ways. Maybe it means writing a letter, or an e-mail, or sending a text. Maybe it looks like putting your arm around someone. Maybe it means being a shoulder to try on or a listening ear. Maybe it means giving a person some space to breath. Maybe it means trying to move in a bit closer and being a bit more honest with that person. In any case, perhaps the person best to start with would be yourself.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
One Thousand!
This is more of a status update on the blog than anything.
About 16 days ago, I wrote my first blog post here. I honestly didn't expect it to be read so much. Yet, at the same time I hoped it would become wildly popular. What actually happened is somewhere between totally ignored and everyone knows about it. As of today, the blog reached 1,000 page views. That's right, 1,000. I'm pretty excited about that. I think the most exciting moment of the blog so far is when it got 207 views in a day.
After starting this blog, I had two other friends start blogs (A Man in a World and My Life). I've also seen other people who have linked my blog in their site. Thanks for all the links!
As for the future, I plan on continuing posting about music that I like and life experiences. I have a planned series of posts entitled "Names I Have Gone By". Assuming the series of blog posts goes well, I plan on starting to post in my name, rather than using the anonymous name Simon.
I also plan on starting an e-mail account for this blog, for any users that may want to contact me on a "more personal" basis or for people who don't wish to leave public comments.
Thank you all for reading!
About 16 days ago, I wrote my first blog post here. I honestly didn't expect it to be read so much. Yet, at the same time I hoped it would become wildly popular. What actually happened is somewhere between totally ignored and everyone knows about it. As of today, the blog reached 1,000 page views. That's right, 1,000. I'm pretty excited about that. I think the most exciting moment of the blog so far is when it got 207 views in a day.
After starting this blog, I had two other friends start blogs (A Man in a World and My Life). I've also seen other people who have linked my blog in their site. Thanks for all the links!
As for the future, I plan on continuing posting about music that I like and life experiences. I have a planned series of posts entitled "Names I Have Gone By". Assuming the series of blog posts goes well, I plan on starting to post in my name, rather than using the anonymous name Simon.
I also plan on starting an e-mail account for this blog, for any users that may want to contact me on a "more personal" basis or for people who don't wish to leave public comments.
Thank you all for reading!
Monday, October 24, 2011
On Starting A Blog - What's at Risk
Terrified. It's the one word I would use to describe how I'm feeling at the moment. Yesterday morning, before I had a meeting with the bishop, I knelt down and prayed. I've been struggling with loneliness lately, something I've tried to let Heavenly Father know. I received inspiration that I should start a blog and write in my journal more.
I opened up the blogspot website, and opened up my profile to see what was on it. I didn't get any further due to fear. This morning, I opened up the tag at work and I was able to complete my profile...and basically publicly put it out there that I had feelings of same gender attraction. In other words, I'm attracted to men.
I'm terrified. I'm scared of sharing this information publicly, here on a website that any person could walk in and see. Why? Because I don't know how people will react. I'm terrified of being rejected. I feel like I'm setting of a nuke by posting this. I'll push the button, and watch the explosion and resulting fallout.
Maybe for a better analogy, I'm setting off a 'rainbow' bomb. I use the term rainbow, because every person is going to see something different in the bomb. White light is actually light composed of rays of light of many different colors. A rainbow is what happens when something allows those colors to be seen individually. I feel that truth and light are closely related. By sharing this truth about myself, I'm sharing some light on myself, allowing myself to be seen.
I realized recently that I feel lonely in groups, and that I don't feel connected to people that I spend time with. It is a longstanding problem. What causes it? I don't allow myself to be seen. I don't make myself known. I don't share the truth about myself, whether it's something as simple as how I'm feeling or some deeper issue that's going on.
What's at risk if I share this truth about myself? I could lose my job. I could be hated. I could be rejected. I could be subject to attacks and assault from every angle, including from the adversary. Yet, on the other hand: I could be known, loved, wanted, accepted, and finally I may feel like I belong to a group. I could belong to a group. That brings tears to my eyes.
I'm not going to say who I am just yet. If you read this post, and like it, please share it. Tweet it, share it on Facebook, show it to your friends. I feel like people don't know me, and this is the first step to being known. I may be the person next to you on the bus, or a person waiting in line with you. I could be a co-worker or your friend. If you think it's me, please be careful talking to me about starting a new blog. I'm already scared out of my wits by first posting this. I may be pretty defensive and guarded at first. Nothing personal, it's just how I've lived my life for so long.
Things I plan on sharing on this blog include, but are not limited to:
- My own personal life experiences
- Music that speaks to my feelings/life experiences
- Video games and books that I like - my reactions to them, feelings about them
- Random things that I like
If a post is potentially graphic, or intense, I'll do my best to label them as such. It's my hope that this blog will not be of detriment to anyone. I realize some things I share carry a heavy emotional charge for me, and may influence you, the reader, as well.
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