I remember one Sunday morning a few weeks ago, a song from a Disney movie popped into my head. Interestingly, part of the song went along very well with how I was thinking at the time.
The song is entitled "Out There" from the Hunchback of Notre Dame:
Lyrics:
Frollo
The world is cruel
The world is wicked
It's I alone whom you can trust in this whole city
I am your only friend
I who keep you, teach you, feed you, dress you
I who look upon you without fear
How can I protect you, boy, unless you
Always stay in here
Away in here
Remember what I taught you, Quasimodo
You are deformed
Quasimodo
I am deformed
Frollo
And you are ugly
Quasimodo
And I am ugly
Frollo
And these are crimes
For which the world
Shows little pity
You do not comprehend
Quasimodo
You are my one defender
Frollo
Out there they'll revile you
As a monster
Quasimodo
I am a monster
Frollo
Out there they will hate
And scorn and jeer
Quasimodo
Only a monster
Frollo
Why invite their calumny
And consternation?
Stay in here
Be faithful to me
Quasimodo
I'm faithful
Frollo
Grateful to me
Quasimodo
I'm grateful
Frollo
Do as I say
Obey
And stay
In here
Quasimodo
I'll stay
In here
Quasimodo
Safe behind these windows and these parapets of stone
Gazing at the people down below me
All my life I watch them as I hide up here alone
Hungry for the histories they show me
All my life I memorize their faces
Knowing them as they will never know me
All my life I wonder how it feels to pass a day
Not above them
But part of them
And out there
Living in the sun
Give me one day out there
All I ask is one
To hold forever
Out there
Where they all live unaware
What I'd give
What I'd dare
Just to live one day out there
Out there among the millers and the weavers and their wives
Through the roofs and gables I can see them
Ev'ry day they shout and scold and go about their lives
Heedless of the gift it is to be them
If I was in their skin
I'd treasure ev'ry instant
Out there
Strolling by the Seine
Taste a morning out there
Like ordinary men
Who freely walk about there
Just one day and then
I swear
I'll be content
With my share
Won't resent
Won't despair
Old and bent
I won't care
I'll have spent
One day
Out there
[From: http://www.fpx.de/fp/Disney/Lyrics/Hunchback.html#Out There]
I relate to Quasimodo very well. For a good portion of my life I've hidden behind 'parapets of stone'. I walled off my heart and my mind from the people around me. I built a fortress for myself. I built it out of video games, masturbation, fantasy, and pornography. I put on a mask of a 'nice guy'. I hid my true feelings and thoughts from people in an effort to keep myself and others "safe". I played mind games with other people, rather than letting them actually know my mind.
I listened to the voice inside me that said I was a monster for having feelings of attraction toward other men. I was a monster for wanting to act out sexually with other men. I was deformed. I was ugly. The voice told me that people would hate me, that they would like me. They would hurt me and reject me. The only way to be safe was to continue to listen to the voice and to stay inside my fortress of isolation.
At the same time, I found myself longing to be 'out there', to be among the people. I wanted to be loved and accepted. I wanted to be known and understood. I wanted to connect. I found myself watching the friendships that men had with other men and feeling envious. I would tell myself that they didn't understand what they had. I would give anything to have what they had.
I have been on a journey seeking healing. I've put myself 'out there' in so many different forms. I've tried to make myself known. I've noticed that if things get dangerous, my first tendency is to withdraw back into the fortress and seal the gates so that no one else can get in. I find myself inside the fortress many times looking out there at all the people in the sun, happy, loved, and enjoying life. I find myself outside as well, feeling loved and accepted.
I prefer being out in the sun.
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