Music That Speaks To My Resolve - Give A Reason

I've recently finished watching an anime series called Slayers (I watched the original, Try, Next, Revolution, and Revolution-R, basically everything on Hulu).  Each of the episodes has an opening and closing song.  I thoroughly enjoyed the series.  The characters seemed have a life of their own.  Each one kept on fighting (sometimes with some encouragement by their friends) despite the odds or the tragedies that happened to them.  Overall, it was a powerful story on the triumph that can come when someone keeps fighting.

Today's song comes from the opening of the Slayers NEXT series.  The title is 'Give a Reason'.  Alas, it's in Japanese, but I'll shared a link to it here:



I'd love to give the lyrics, but alas, they are in Japanese.  I'll share part of a translation here:
Things are moving so fast
The moments ticking by.
I'm running through this city
To me, a savanna.
Like it's struggling
Trying to break free
I wanna test all this power.

I know that "The Answer"
Is out there someplace.
The answer that everyone looks for
From the day they're born.
When all looks lost and there's no escape
I turn to my dreams!

I'm not afraid of getting hurt
But I'm not strong, either.
It's just that I can't stand
Just doing nothing anymore.

Here we go, go!
I'll just run on
And let nobody stop me know.
I wanna find the me in the future
And give her a reason for life!
(Translation was taken from the close captioning for the series on www.hulu.com).

I love this song.  It has a lot of energy and is very enthusiastic.  It reminds me of a recent realization about myself that I've had: that I'm resilient and much more durable than I used to think I was.  I've been through a lot, and I've yet to lay down and completely stop fighting and struggling.  Even when I fall apart, I somehow find the strength to keep going through.

I had a really discussion with a friend about the fact that I've come out publicly on this blog.  I realize that it was really risky situation.  When I made the decision, I realized that I was tired of hiding behind masks, and that I was tired of doing nothing.  I wasn't so much afraid of being hurt further, as I was of continuing to live in pain and shame.  I decided that I was going to stand up and fight, even if it meant possibly drawing more challenges and grief into my life.  As the song lyrics state, I just couldn't stand by and do nothing anymore.  On a related note, I gave my friend a piece of advice.  He's been struggling and I said that he could take some advice by how video game characters react to struggles.  They take time to feel their emotions, work through things, talk about them, and then they keep on fighting.  They always keep struggling.

On a related note, sometimes the struggle I have is to let go and let Heavenly Father step in to help with my life.  Sometimes the struggle is to stand up for myself, even if it's something I haven't done in the past.  Sometimes the struggle is to step into situations that are risky and unfamiliar.  Sometimes it means battling my own thoughts to have thoughts that are elevated and uplifting.

On a personal note, things have been difficult lately.  The procedure that I was worried about was far more pleasant than I imagined.  I'm a bit sore from that.  Outside of that, I've been fighting off the tail end of a cold.  It also feels like I've been challenged in spiritual ways as well.  But like I said before, I'm going to keep on fighting.

On a Slayers related note, my favorite character from the series is Xellos.  This could be major spoilers.  Technically, he should be a villain but often helps the heroes for his own reasons.  He is very powerful, but likes to act via manipulation.  He is very knowledgeable but he doesn't always share everything he knows with the heroes.  One of his iconic lines is 'That's a secret'.  In the later series, the characters start to say it for him.  Hilarious!

Music That Speaks To My Grief - You Were Meant For Me

Today's song is another of the three songs that helped me process through my feelings after I put my cat Taz down (for the first one click here).

Today's song is "You Were Meant For Me" by Jewel:

Lyrics:
I hear the clock, it's six a.m.
I feel so far from where I've been
I got my eggs I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you.
I break the yolks, make a smiley face
I kinda like it in my brand new place
I wipe the spots off the mirror
Don't leave the keys in the door
Never put wet towels on the floor anymore' cause

[Chorus:]
Dreams last so long
even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you.

I called my momma, she was out for a walk
Consoled a cup of coffee but it didn't wanna talk
So I picked up a paper, it was more bad news
More hearts being broken or people being used
Put on my coat in the pouring rain
I saw a movie it just wasn't the same
'Cause it was happy or I was sad
It made me miss you oh so bad 'cause

[Chorus]

I go about my business, I'm doing fine
Besides what would I say if I had you on the line
Same old story, not much to say
Hearts are broken, everyday.
I brush my teeth and put the cap back on
I know you hate it when I leave the light on
I pick a book up. Turn the sheets down.
And then I take a deep breath and a good look around
Put on my pjs and hop into bed
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead
I try and tell myself it'll be all right
I just shouldn't think anymore tonight 'cause

[Chorus]

Yeah... You were meant for me and I was meant for you.
[From: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/jewel/youweremeantforme.html]

Listening to this song still brings tears to my eyes.  It reminds me of all the hopes, dreams, and expectations I've had in life that just haven't happened.  It speaks to me on the pain of loss, and also of the pain of holding on to things that are lost.

Honestly, I never expected our cat Taz to go the way he did.  I also thought that he would live another few years at least.  Honestly, I dreamed that he would never go away, that he would always be there.  Finally, he started to have bladder problems more and more frequently, and ultimately we decided that he should be put down.  To speak more accurate, I feel like I was the one that decided that we should put him down.  Sometimes when I think about it, I wonder if it was the right choice.  Sometimes I feel like I chose to kill him, a thought that feels me with grief and shame.

The time after Taz was put down was difficult.  I kept expecting him to be in one of his usual places, or for him to show up meowing, demanding that he be given more food.  This song reminds me of that time.  I would go about my regular life, smiling, and "doing fine" while really inside I was grieving the loss of a beloved pet.  Things just didn't feel the same for a long time afterward.  Dreams and memories really do last a long time.

On a related note, I've found that I often have dreams or fantasies about what friendships will be like in the future.  Sometimes I set up some really high expectations.  Many times those hopes, dreams, and expectations aren't met.  When I'm reminded of those dreams and hopes.  I get filled with feelings of loss, loneliness, and grief.

One example of this is with a guy I grew up with.  He befriended me when we first moved to Utah.  He was my best friend for many years.  It felt like we did so much together.  Time passes.  We both went on missions and to college in other states.  It felt like we saw each other less and less.  I felt like we had grown apart.

I decided that I needed to tell him about the fact I experienced same gender attraction.  I honestly hoped that he would understand and be loving and supportive.  I hoped our friendship would become something much closer.  Instead, all I remember from that conversation is him saying that he knew I wouldn't "do something like that with him".  It was disappointing to say the least.

Recently, I've done some work around it, grieving and surrendering the way things used to be.  Perhaps our friendship won't turn out how I wanted.  The dream I had may not come true.  By surrendering the dream, I can make space in my life for other men.  By letting go of the old friendship, I make space for the new ones.  I still hold on to the golden memories of the time that we spent together and the jokes that we shared.

Time can heal many wounds.  Time will ease the pain of loss.

Dreams last so long.

Music That Speaks To Me - In The Arms Of An Angel

Every so often, I find a song that I really like and that seems to speak about me and my life.  The song seems to capture a small piece of me and put it to music.  Today's song is just that.

Here is "Arms of the Angel" by Sarah McLacklan.



Lyrics:
Spend all your time waiting for that second chance 
For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel not good enough 
And it's hard at the end of the day 
I need some distraction oh beautiful release 
Memories seep from my veins 
They may be empty and weightless and maybe 
I'll find some peace tonight 

In the arms of an Angel fly away from here 
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear 
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie 
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here


So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn 
There's vultures and thieves at your back 
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies 
That you make up for all that you lack 


It don't make no difference, escaping one last time 
It's easier to believe 
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness 
That brings me to my knees 

In the arms of an Angel far away from here 
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear 
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie 
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here 

You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here
[From: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/s/sarah_mclachlan/#share]


This song almost never fails to bring tears to my eyes.  It resonates so well with my life and how I feel like things.  Most of the time, I find myself waiting for that 'second chance', that 'break' that will somehow make everything ok and good.  Sometimes that 'second chance' takes the form of a best friend that I've always wanted.  Sometimes it looks like being free from same gender attraction.  Sometimes it looks like a father figure taking time to hold me.


Distraction.  I live a good deal of my life distracted from my own emotions.  I find myself always having to "entertain" myself.  Sometimes it does make me feel good. Sometimes I even feel happy and content.  When it's over, feelings of fear, loneliness, and grief tend to come back.  When the 'usual' distractions of video games or YouTube don't work, I turn to more potent numbing agents like fantasy, masturbation, or even pornography.  In some ways, these distractions are a release for me.

Memories are not easy things for me to hold on to.  I have so many emotionally charged memories.  Some that are attached with anger, sadness, fear, rejection, or even memories of experiences that I interpreted as being sexual.  I've found it easier to suppress them, to let them seep away from me.  I have a hard time remembering specific things from my childhood.  It only comes with effort.

The second verse seems to be very applicable.  There are many times I've felt weary of living the gospel, of trying to follow the 'straight line'.  It feels like the world is watching me, waiting for me to slip up.  I feel like I have to keep building lies to keep myself safe from them all.  It's easier to keep slipping back into destructive habits.

Ultimately, it all brings me to my knees.  It brings me to pray.  Many times, I've knelt and prayed for help, for answers, for friends, for guidance, for whatever it was I thought I needed.  Many times, I've looked at other men, and wanted them to rescue me.  I wanted to be rescued from the 'endless' nature of my problems and struggles.  I've wanted so many times to be in the arms of an angel, to be held, to be comforted.

Last night, I went to a fireside.  A man came and set next to me that I hadn't seen in awhile.  I honestly value the man's friendship, but I judge he's a popular guy, so I don't contact him very often.  It was nice to sit next to him, and have him put his arm on the bench behind me.  I wanted, crazy, desired, was that he would put his arm around me.  I wanted him to hold me and to shelter me.  As I was leaving, I saw a second man that I also wanted to hold me.  I've noticed my fantasies as I lay down to sleep seem to have a pattern.  I imagine up something strong and masculine to come and shelter me, to hold me.

Many times, my prayers to be comforted have been answered.  I have felt many times like a divine presence has comforted me, hugged me.  Sometimes it's been with another man in a safe and appropriate location.  It's been incredibly wonderful to be held again.

Even though I tasted of the positive aspect of this, I feel fear and frustration.  Why as an adult man do I crave being held by a father figure?  Shouldn't I be past this?  I think the answer lies in not bonding sufficiently with dad while growing up.  Because I withdrew and detached so early from him, I didn't give him the chance to love and shelter me when it was appropriate.  Part of the answer also may lie in my 'love language'.  I typically feel most loved while being touched.  That definitely is a part of me that needs to be explored in a separate blog post to give it justice.

I pray that soon I'll be able to pull myself from the wreckage, or that an angel is on it's way to help pull me out.  Feels like it's been too long since I've trusted myself into the arms of an angel.