Just as a disclaimer, this post is more referring to my thoughts. It isn't directed toward any one particular person. In fact, it's more directed toward many different people. Mostly, it's me just venting things that come on my mind that I feel like giving a voice.
****
If you only knew what went on inside my head. What if you knew that I was attracted to you? What if you knew that my eyes tended to wander to you? What if you knew that I liked how you look? What would you do? Would you shun me? Reject me? Be afraid and awkward around me? How I wish at times that I could just touch you and not feel uncomfortable about it, to reach out and connect and not accuse myself of acting on lust. You may never know how good it is to see you smile at me. You may never know how I felt that time you randomly came up and rubbed my shoulder, or patted me on the back. You may never know how enamored I became with you, or how secretly obsessed I became with you. If you did know, would you still act the same around me? What if you knew I wanted to hug you? Or that I enjoyed the feel of your arms around me?
If you only knew, how I felt with you around. How afraid I was because of the feelings I had for you. Or how little I cared for what you were saying, or even for you. How afraid I feel that you would found out how little I really cared for you. Or how sad I was that we couldn't connect. Or sometimes the wild fantasies I have with you in them. Or how many times I wondered what you looked like without a shirt on. Or how hesitant I am to spend time with you because of how attracted I feel for you. Or how many times I questioned if I was trying to be my friend because I liked you or because I "liked" you.
If you only knew how I felt the last time I saw you. The shock at seeing you, the grief, the fear, the rage. How I watched you to avoid you. How I felt the piercing anger of your glare. How distraught I felt afterward. How much seeing you remind me of my past and how manipulative I've been in the past and my fear that I continue to live and breathe the same lies that have cloaked from so early in my life.
If you only knew how misunderstood I felt, or the pain I've felt. Or how many times I've let my unrealistic expectations get dashed. Or how many times I haven't cared. Or how many times I've cried over you, or over me wanting to connect with you. Or how many times I've felt like shaking my fist at the heavens only to find the finger of blame to be pointing at me.
I don't know if I could ever explain in words how much it means when you contact me or talk to me. The little inside jokes. The ability to say and act how I feel is right. Understanding when I feel down. If you only knew how much more I wish I could spend time with you or talk to you.
If you only knew.
****
Thanks for reading!
Showing posts with label Gratitude. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Gratitude. Show all posts
Friday, June 1, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Paradoxes - More Random Things Bouncing In My Head 6Mar2012
I've had a number of things on my mind. Some of them are paradoxes. Some may be called paradoxes. A lot of them relate to humankind, my brothers and sisters. I figured I would share a few of them here.
The Everything/Nothing paradox
In Elder's Quorum this week, the topic of the discusson was Elder Uchtdorf's talk from last general conference entitled 'You Matter To Him' (click on the name to read it, I highly recommend it!).
In the talk Elder Uchtdorf states that man is nothing, and that man is everything. It's something that I've pondered and thought about.
Man is nothing
Compared to God, man is nothing. If I think about it, my comprehension of things is nothing compared to God's. My physical strength can only move very small objects, at least in comparison to the rest of the environment around me. I can't create planets, set up solar systems, and plan galaxies. I'm one person in a sea of over seven billion people (and growing). Even our planet is a small object in a larger solar system. Our star is one light in a sea of countless other lights. Simply put, I'm a small speck when it comes to the whole universe.
Man is everything
On another hand, all of God's effort is directly for the well being of man. The creation of the universe, the dance of the planets, photosynthesis, the earth and everything on it. God's entire focus is on us. D&C 18:10 states: "Remember, the worth of souls is great in the sight of God". I find that intensely amazing. I'm am nothing, yet my worth is great in God's eyes.
Elder Uchtdorf goes on to speak about the dangers of pride and how Satan strives to mislead us by appealing to the extremes of the paradox. Sometimes, he tempts us ignore the fact that we are nothing. We become swollen and prideful. Sometimes, he tempts us to ignore the fact that we are everything. We begin to feel powerless and insignificant. We feel forgotten by our Heavenly Father. We feel like He doesn't care. I can see that my path relies on embracing both sides of the paradox. Feeling the humility that comes from being nothing, yet feeling the love and the power that comes from being everything. It can be a tricky scale to balance.
The Worth of Souls
Going back again to the scripture I shared earlier. "The worth of souls is great in the sight of God". When I think of it now, it makes me think of another scripture. D&C 88:15 states "The spirit and the body are the soul of man". I am a being made up of two parts: a body and a spirit. Together, they are a soul, and they are of great worth in the sight of God. It's led me to a number of thoughts.
I've disparaged and hated my body for many years. I've believed that my body was something bad and foul, something to be demonized and hated. I realize now that my body is a gift of God. It is something that I need to treat with respect. I need to take care of it and meet it's needs. It is a valuable part of me. I also have a spirit, which is also equally valuable. I need to take care of it's needs as well. Often times, it's a tricky balance between satisfying both of their needs, as well as learning what is a 'want' rather than a 'need'. Neglecting either my body or my soul leads me down paths that are not healthy.
I have a degree in computer science and I sometimes use computer concepts to try to understand things better. Most modern computer programs have an interface. The interface lets us, as humans, interact with the computer. The interface lets us send messages to the computer and receive information back. I've lately thought that I have three interfaces. One: my body. My body lets me interface with the mortal world and interact with the objects there. Two: my spirit, which allows me to interact with the diving. Three: an interface between my body and my spirit. The two are able to communicate and interact with each other. It's often a very subtle interaction. What influences one of them tends to influence the other. If I'm not getting enough rest, it's difficult for me to feel inspiration. When I read my scriptures, my body tends to feel calmer.
Other random thoughts
I had a very interesting and insightful discussion with a friend of mine last night. We talked a lot about love, sin, Utah culture, etc. I had recently had a very positive and uplifting experience that helped me feel very loved. I realized that I was trying to mentally discredit and sabotage the experience I had. As I called my friend up, he was able to hand me some thoughts that I found were very helpful. I started to tell myself 'I deserve to feel loved. I am loved. I need to be loved.' I realized that the love that I seek is very much like the love of my Heavenly Father. A love that sees my potential, my worth, where I am, and doesn't seek to try to abuse or use me. I realize many times in my life I've just wanted to scream out 'I just want to be loved!' I think a good many of the world's problems could be solved if people actually would feel a Christlike love for each other.
As our discussion continued, I realized that I need to feel God's love for me. If I'm not feeling it, I'm more vulnerable to being tempted to do something to try to fill that void in my life. Sin tends to cover up my real needs. It pretends to fill the void. Yet, it can't fill my need for love the same way that God's love can.
As our discussion continued, my friend expressed that he felt that Utah LDS culture could be very judgmental. I honestly have felt the same way at times. The worst culprit in that has been me. I've been very judgmental and unloving toward myself for years. I feel like I've looked at God and the gospel, and only seen one half of it. I've only been seeing the justice side. The side that speaks of punishment and guilt. Many times I find myself ignoring the other half of the gospel, the mercy side. The side that speaks of love, forgiveness, and redemption. I believe that Heavenly Father is a perfect balance of justice and mercy. How He makes it work is beyond my comprehension most of the time. When I realize also that Heavenly Father acts out of love, some of His acts that seem to lay on the justice side of things, also speak of the mercy that He has. It's a very interesting point of view.
Personal Note
To give a personal update, I have been feeling better. By feeling better, I mean I'm actually feeling emotions again. I've felt fear, anger, joy, sadness, excitement, nervousness, and all sorts of other emotions. I'm grateful that they have returned. I honestly think it is healthier for me to feel, acknowledge, and honor these feelings. I still don't have many things figured out. I still have a lot of questions. I still feel there is hurt to work through. I just feel like I'm moving forward once more.
The Everything/Nothing paradox
In Elder's Quorum this week, the topic of the discusson was Elder Uchtdorf's talk from last general conference entitled 'You Matter To Him' (click on the name to read it, I highly recommend it!).
In the talk Elder Uchtdorf states that man is nothing, and that man is everything. It's something that I've pondered and thought about.
Man is nothing
Compared to God, man is nothing. If I think about it, my comprehension of things is nothing compared to God's. My physical strength can only move very small objects, at least in comparison to the rest of the environment around me. I can't create planets, set up solar systems, and plan galaxies. I'm one person in a sea of over seven billion people (and growing). Even our planet is a small object in a larger solar system. Our star is one light in a sea of countless other lights. Simply put, I'm a small speck when it comes to the whole universe.
Man is everything
On another hand, all of God's effort is directly for the well being of man. The creation of the universe, the dance of the planets, photosynthesis, the earth and everything on it. God's entire focus is on us. D&C 18:10 states: "Remember, the worth of souls is great in the sight of God". I find that intensely amazing. I'm am nothing, yet my worth is great in God's eyes.
Elder Uchtdorf goes on to speak about the dangers of pride and how Satan strives to mislead us by appealing to the extremes of the paradox. Sometimes, he tempts us ignore the fact that we are nothing. We become swollen and prideful. Sometimes, he tempts us to ignore the fact that we are everything. We begin to feel powerless and insignificant. We feel forgotten by our Heavenly Father. We feel like He doesn't care. I can see that my path relies on embracing both sides of the paradox. Feeling the humility that comes from being nothing, yet feeling the love and the power that comes from being everything. It can be a tricky scale to balance.
The Worth of Souls
Going back again to the scripture I shared earlier. "The worth of souls is great in the sight of God". When I think of it now, it makes me think of another scripture. D&C 88:15 states "The spirit and the body are the soul of man". I am a being made up of two parts: a body and a spirit. Together, they are a soul, and they are of great worth in the sight of God. It's led me to a number of thoughts.
I've disparaged and hated my body for many years. I've believed that my body was something bad and foul, something to be demonized and hated. I realize now that my body is a gift of God. It is something that I need to treat with respect. I need to take care of it and meet it's needs. It is a valuable part of me. I also have a spirit, which is also equally valuable. I need to take care of it's needs as well. Often times, it's a tricky balance between satisfying both of their needs, as well as learning what is a 'want' rather than a 'need'. Neglecting either my body or my soul leads me down paths that are not healthy.
I have a degree in computer science and I sometimes use computer concepts to try to understand things better. Most modern computer programs have an interface. The interface lets us, as humans, interact with the computer. The interface lets us send messages to the computer and receive information back. I've lately thought that I have three interfaces. One: my body. My body lets me interface with the mortal world and interact with the objects there. Two: my spirit, which allows me to interact with the diving. Three: an interface between my body and my spirit. The two are able to communicate and interact with each other. It's often a very subtle interaction. What influences one of them tends to influence the other. If I'm not getting enough rest, it's difficult for me to feel inspiration. When I read my scriptures, my body tends to feel calmer.
Other random thoughts
I had a very interesting and insightful discussion with a friend of mine last night. We talked a lot about love, sin, Utah culture, etc. I had recently had a very positive and uplifting experience that helped me feel very loved. I realized that I was trying to mentally discredit and sabotage the experience I had. As I called my friend up, he was able to hand me some thoughts that I found were very helpful. I started to tell myself 'I deserve to feel loved. I am loved. I need to be loved.' I realized that the love that I seek is very much like the love of my Heavenly Father. A love that sees my potential, my worth, where I am, and doesn't seek to try to abuse or use me. I realize many times in my life I've just wanted to scream out 'I just want to be loved!' I think a good many of the world's problems could be solved if people actually would feel a Christlike love for each other.
As our discussion continued, I realized that I need to feel God's love for me. If I'm not feeling it, I'm more vulnerable to being tempted to do something to try to fill that void in my life. Sin tends to cover up my real needs. It pretends to fill the void. Yet, it can't fill my need for love the same way that God's love can.
As our discussion continued, my friend expressed that he felt that Utah LDS culture could be very judgmental. I honestly have felt the same way at times. The worst culprit in that has been me. I've been very judgmental and unloving toward myself for years. I feel like I've looked at God and the gospel, and only seen one half of it. I've only been seeing the justice side. The side that speaks of punishment and guilt. Many times I find myself ignoring the other half of the gospel, the mercy side. The side that speaks of love, forgiveness, and redemption. I believe that Heavenly Father is a perfect balance of justice and mercy. How He makes it work is beyond my comprehension most of the time. When I realize also that Heavenly Father acts out of love, some of His acts that seem to lay on the justice side of things, also speak of the mercy that He has. It's a very interesting point of view.
Personal Note
To give a personal update, I have been feeling better. By feeling better, I mean I'm actually feeling emotions again. I've felt fear, anger, joy, sadness, excitement, nervousness, and all sorts of other emotions. I'm grateful that they have returned. I honestly think it is healthier for me to feel, acknowledge, and honor these feelings. I still don't have many things figured out. I still have a lot of questions. I still feel there is hurt to work through. I just feel like I'm moving forward once more.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Music That Speaks To Me - Where Are You Christmas?
Christmas is coming up soon. Along with it, there are many different Christmas songs that I've come to enjoy over the years. Some of my favorites "O Come, O Come Emmanuel", "O Holy Night", "Angels We Have Heard On High."
One in particular seems to relate with how I've felt about Christmas the last few years. It's "Where Are You Christmas?"
Alas, I couldn't find a YouTube video that I could embed, so I'll just have to settle with a link to the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdoMRT5smHc
Lyrics:
Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play
My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too
Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go
Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh
If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time
I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart with love
Where are you Christmas
Fill your heart with love
[Taken from: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/faithhill/whereareyouchristmas.html]
I honestly don't know when it began. At least when I was still going to college, Christmas was something that excited me. I still could touch with that little kid feeling of excitement and wonder. I've felt this Christmas season, as well as the last, that I don't get that sense of wonder or awe that I used to feel. I used to feel so enchanted and enamored with it. I feel like I've lost the Christmas spirit over the years. The dreams have slowly slipped away.
The cause? I believe I've become to focus on the 'how' of Christmas, the little logistical details to help the day go 'smoothly'. I have some family members that seem to focus on trying to make the day as 'perfect' as possible. As such, it turns into a stress-fest. The day becomes just another day focused on to-dos. As such, I'd rather spend time away from family to avoid that stress.
What is the true Christmas spirit? I believe it is the spirit of Christ. It's the spirit of love, of giving, of family, of warmth, of light, of acceptance. I will always be in awe of Him, the only one of us to grace this planet, and live a perfect life.
This song helps touch on both sides of how I see Christmas. On one hand, there's the 'Where did the spirit of the season go?' On the other hand, I can see and feel the spirit of Christ. I think children naturally can tap into that spirit. As I've gotten older, and gotten further from the innocence of youth, I think I've let that true spirit of love slip away.
That's probably why I've always wondered where Christmas went.
I think this year, I've started to get it back. But like anything in life, it is a process. I'm still learning to love and to give freely. And that is what this time of year is all about. No, that is what all year long should be about. The spirit of love and of giving is a spirit I should seek out all throughout the year. Christmas is just a convenient time to be reminded of the path I need to follow in my life, the same path that Christ took when he was here on the earth.
The sense of the magic of the season, the wonder, the awe, and the excitement may not be something that will come back. However, I do believe that I can receive the spirit of the season, the spirit of Christ. That is something that will not fade away. That is only something that will grow stronger over the years.
One in particular seems to relate with how I've felt about Christmas the last few years. It's "Where Are You Christmas?"
Alas, I couldn't find a YouTube video that I could embed, so I'll just have to settle with a link to the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdoMRT5smHc
Lyrics:
Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play
My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too
Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go
Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh
If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time
I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart with love
Where are you Christmas
Fill your heart with love
[Taken from: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/faithhill/whereareyouchristmas.html]
I honestly don't know when it began. At least when I was still going to college, Christmas was something that excited me. I still could touch with that little kid feeling of excitement and wonder. I've felt this Christmas season, as well as the last, that I don't get that sense of wonder or awe that I used to feel. I used to feel so enchanted and enamored with it. I feel like I've lost the Christmas spirit over the years. The dreams have slowly slipped away.
The cause? I believe I've become to focus on the 'how' of Christmas, the little logistical details to help the day go 'smoothly'. I have some family members that seem to focus on trying to make the day as 'perfect' as possible. As such, it turns into a stress-fest. The day becomes just another day focused on to-dos. As such, I'd rather spend time away from family to avoid that stress.
What is the true Christmas spirit? I believe it is the spirit of Christ. It's the spirit of love, of giving, of family, of warmth, of light, of acceptance. I will always be in awe of Him, the only one of us to grace this planet, and live a perfect life.
This song helps touch on both sides of how I see Christmas. On one hand, there's the 'Where did the spirit of the season go?' On the other hand, I can see and feel the spirit of Christ. I think children naturally can tap into that spirit. As I've gotten older, and gotten further from the innocence of youth, I think I've let that true spirit of love slip away.
That's probably why I've always wondered where Christmas went.
I think this year, I've started to get it back. But like anything in life, it is a process. I'm still learning to love and to give freely. And that is what this time of year is all about. No, that is what all year long should be about. The spirit of love and of giving is a spirit I should seek out all throughout the year. Christmas is just a convenient time to be reminded of the path I need to follow in my life, the same path that Christ took when he was here on the earth.
The sense of the magic of the season, the wonder, the awe, and the excitement may not be something that will come back. However, I do believe that I can receive the spirit of the season, the spirit of Christ. That is something that will not fade away. That is only something that will grow stronger over the years.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
A Matter Of Perspective 7Dec2011
I am feeling a whole lot better today. I had a wonderful talk with my therapist that helped to widen and open up my perspective.
First, he had me do a relaxation technique. The shoulder/neck pain and headaches were due to my body responding to all the stress I've been feeling lately. Work, trying to figure out how to handle my attractions toward men, and stressing about giving/receiving appropriate healthy touch with other men has really been taking a toll on my body. After I was able to relax some, I was able to talk about all those things that were stressing me.
My therapist then asked me what my options were for dealing with my attractions or life in general. I came up with a list of the following (by no means inclusive of all the options I have):
- Live the lifestyle, having multiple sexual partners
- Live the lifestyle, have one sexual partners
- Live the lifestyle, remain celibate, only date men
- Don't live the lifestyle, have romantic relationships with men
- Don't interact with men at all
- Connect superficially with men
- Connect emotionally with other men
- Be vulnerable with men that I trust
- Pursue a close, vulnerable relationship with God (this option teared me up when I said it)
- Completely ignore God and His will
I'm sure there are many more options that I could pursue in relationship with life and my attractions. The experience of listing options, as many as I could think of, helped to open my eyes. I realized that romantic and sexual interactions with men was only a small subset of a larger sphere of possible interactions. I could do so many other things with men. As we talked, I couldn't help but here the lie inside 'Oh, but I'm shy. People don't invite me to do things with them.' I know that is a lie. I have friends that do invite me to do things. I've been a bit of a hermit lately due to the headaches and pain.
My therapist then told me that I seemed to be very focused on men and my attraction to them. He said he hadn't heard me talk about any girls, specifically a girl that I had been kind of interested in a few months ago. I can probably count on one hand the number of women that I interact with (by women I mean females older than 9). Only about three of them are women that I feel comfortable enough to share at least part of what's going on with me, two of those are my sisters and another is my friend's girlfriend. I realized that I had a large void in my life. I was totally ignoring the possibility of interacting with women, probably because I simply don't have many opportunities, outside of church and rarely at work, to interact with women. I've decided that I need to start participating in the local single ward activities. I go to a family ward currently, and really like the progress I'm making with the bishop. Hopefully if I start going to some single ward activities, I may find more people around where I live that I can interact with. Maybe I can even find that mythical, other gender attracted, cuddle buddy I've been looking for. There's the obsession with men again.
I stated something profound last night. I know I've heard it before. I said to my therapist that my attraction has very little to do with sex and sexual relationships with men. It's more about emotional connection. It's more about loving and feeling loved. For me, maybe that generally looks like some kind of touch or physical affection, but it doesn't have to be like that. Touch is only one small way people convey the fact that they like someone else. It still is my preferred method. I'm going to have to keep my eyes open a little wider to see if people are sending me that message, and I'm missing it. I'm still going to keep my touchy feely nature toward other people and yet try to explore other ways of expressing how I feel toward a person.
Anyways, my therapist did say I was focusing on one very small part of my life: my desire for touch-based interaction with men. I realized that I was focusing on it. Sure, it is a squeaky wheel. It's a big pain point for me. But there is so much more to life than just that. There's my relationship with friends I do have. There's my co-workers. There's my relationship with myself. There's my relationship with Heavenly Father. There's my hobbies: Magic, video games, and reading.
As my therapist gave me a hug goodbye, he started to talked to me. It's one of my favorite moments because I really like his hugs, and he often says very insightful things as we're hugging. He said he wanted me to expand my expectations on what I can do. He wants me to expand my expectations for me. I realized that I had been doing something like that. When temptation to masturbate arises, a lie often comes with it. "You'll eventually give in" says the lie. To that I say "I can resist. I can with God's help." And many times, He has come to my aid.
As I ate dinner, I had a pleasant conversation with a friend and we got into the matter of perspective. I realized that I can't see the "big picture". Even with the spirit's aid, I often only see parts of glimpses of the whole plan. I'm given just what I need to succeed and thrive with my challenges.
I went home and had an enjoyable evening rebuilding some of my Magic decks. I dismantled one deck, and realized I still had ten regular decks and two Commander decks. I only managed to rebuild half of my regular decks. I awoke this morning feel tired, but not completely worn out like I have felt the last few days. The pain in my neck and shoulders seems to have faded. Sure, the whole physical touch situation hasn't changed a whole lot. It's just not the only thing I'm going to focus on, I hope.
To finish, I'd love to share some sayings/quotes that I like:
"Perception is reality."
"Perception is everything, to the perceiver."
Thursday, November 10, 2011
I don't--wait I do! 9Nov2011
I had the most interesting realization last night on the drive home from my support group.
I've always wanted a 'gaming buddy'. Someone to hang out with and play video games with. Something I've complained about is how no one at work wants to be my friend 'outside' of work. Well, last night I realized that two different men at work have expressed a desire for me to join a game called 'League of Legends'. One of them is actually really interested in the fact that I started it up and 'friended' me. We were going to play this week, but there were some technical issues and it didn't quite work out. The other man doesn't know that I've actually joined up with the game.
I find it ironic that I am oftentimes blessed with want or need, but I can't see it. Reminds me of lyrics from a song that say: "The sun is in your eyes. The sun is in your ears. But you can't see the son, ever in the darkness." I feel like the Lord is answering my prayers for more friendship with men. There's also the fact that people at work and at church seem to be more friendly and warm than normal. I am grateful for these things.
Paired with this realization that I am more blessed that I acknowledge or am grateful for, is the tendency for me to 'beat myself up' or think negatively myself for not being more aware of my blessings. The adversary does like to come in and try to disrupt positive things. For now, though, I think I will enjoy this idea of having two new gaming buddies, and ignore the lie that I am 'bad' for not recognizing it sooner.
I've always wanted a 'gaming buddy'. Someone to hang out with and play video games with. Something I've complained about is how no one at work wants to be my friend 'outside' of work. Well, last night I realized that two different men at work have expressed a desire for me to join a game called 'League of Legends'. One of them is actually really interested in the fact that I started it up and 'friended' me. We were going to play this week, but there were some technical issues and it didn't quite work out. The other man doesn't know that I've actually joined up with the game.
I find it ironic that I am oftentimes blessed with want or need, but I can't see it. Reminds me of lyrics from a song that say: "The sun is in your eyes. The sun is in your ears. But you can't see the son, ever in the darkness." I feel like the Lord is answering my prayers for more friendship with men. There's also the fact that people at work and at church seem to be more friendly and warm than normal. I am grateful for these things.
Paired with this realization that I am more blessed that I acknowledge or am grateful for, is the tendency for me to 'beat myself up' or think negatively myself for not being more aware of my blessings. The adversary does like to come in and try to disrupt positive things. For now, though, I think I will enjoy this idea of having two new gaming buddies, and ignore the lie that I am 'bad' for not recognizing it sooner.
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