North Star Conference 2014 - Nuggets of Wisdom

North Star International had a conference over the weekend.  The first of its kind!  North Star International is an organization that promotes members of the LDS church who experience same gender attraction to keep and live the covenants and commitments of the gospel. (Learn more here).  Needless to say, it is a wonderful organization.

The conference was also wonderful.  I only attended the Saturday session (had to work on Friday).  I was able to learn some great information.  Only two things have really stuck in my head. Maybe because they were some of the more insightful things that I'd love to integrate into my life.

Feelings
One of the workshops talked about compulsive sexual behaviors (although arguably it could be applied to any compulsive behavior).  In talking about the cycle of compulsive behavior, the instructor talked about feelings.  Feelings are actually how the mind seeks to heal itself.  "Negative" feelings are things that we are often taught to suppress.  I remember thinking growing up "Well, boys don't cry" or "I don't want to get angry. Getting angry is bad!".  Really, anger and sadness are how my brain was trying to cope or heal through things.  Ignoring or suppressing feelings leads to disassociation (or apathy) which can lead to compulsive behavior.

Life lesson: I need to feel my feelings not ignore them (or bury them under video games).

Solitude and Community
I wish I had taken better notes during the last keynote speaker.  He was speaking about a pattern that the Savior showed in his life.  First, the Lord went into the mountains to pray. Second, He called his apostles.  Third, He reached out to minister to others.

The speaker went on to say how important alone time with God can be.  It is alone with God that we learn what our worth is.  We learn of His love for us.  He then spoke that an individual can then create community with other individuals who know what their worth is.  He said the purpose of a community was not to teach the individuals that they were beloved of God.

That hit me pretty profoundly.  I realized I was looking to other people, to community, to feel loved and wanted.  I've been looking for love in the wrong place!  It's God who can help me find that feeling of being loved.  Then, I can reach out and form meaningful friendships with other people around me.

I thought these were some interesting points.  I hope that they are able to help some of you out too.

It was also awesome to see my parents there.  They're awesome too. :)

Music That Speaks To Me - Better Than A Hallelujah by Amy Grant

I was driving in this morning, and this song came to play on the radio.  Lately, I've been struggling a lot with my faith.  I've adopted a somewhat apathetic approach toward the church, partially because I've felt misunderstood in something.  I had made a risk, a misguided attempt to make things 'work' that fell outside of the lines of the gospel.  Many times when I've shared it, I felt like I didn't get a chance to fully explain what had been going on or why I did what  I did.

That aside, I've felt a lot of anger, rebelliousness, and bitterness.  I'm surprised that I still go to church each week sometimes.  I've actually felt a lot less stress about life and my attractions in general.  I don't know if that's related to my general sense of apathy toward the church.  On the other hand, I've felt a better sense of connection toward my ward.  I don't feel as much shame being around the other elder's in the quorum.  I'm really excited about a new calling that I have to teach in the Elder's Quorum.

This morning, I also had a strange dream.  I was at some kind of part or gathering.  A man was speaking.  I remember I found him somewhat attractive and that he was a straight (opposite gender attraction) person.  I remember him stating that he didn't mind touching and holding men.  I remember feeling very drawn to that.  Mostly because it was something that I've felt cravings for in the past.  Some kind of safe, nonsexual connection with another man.  In the dream, I never mustered up the courage to go ask the man if he would be willing to hold me.

This song is about those prayers that come from the bitter, broken, or hurt places of people's lives and hearts.  I think it's a beautiful song, reminding me that Heavenly Father loves to hear about my misery as well as my joy.  He wants to hear about my heartache and what makes my heart whole.  In short, He wants to hear everything I have to say to Him, because He loves me.

Lyrics:

God loves a lullaby 
In a mother's tears in the dead of night 
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes. 
God loves the drunkard's cry, 
The soldiers plea not to let him die 
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes. 


We pour out our miseries 
God just hears a melody 
Beautiful the mess we are 
The honest cries of breaking hearts 
Are better than a Hallelujah. 


The woman holding on for life, 
The dying man giving up the fight 
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes 
Tears of shame for what's been done, 
The silence when the words won't come 
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes. 


We pour out our miseries 
God just hears a melody 
Beautiful the mess we are 
The honest cries of breaking hearts 
Are better than a Hallelujah.


Better than a church bell ringing, 
Better than a choir singing out, singing out.


We pour out our miseries 
God just hears a melody 
Beautiful the mess we are 
The honest cries of breaking hearts 
Are better than a Hallelujah.


We pour out our miseries 
God just hears a melody 
Beautiful the mess we are 
The honest cries of breaking hearts 
Are better than a Hallelujah.


Better than a Hallelujah sometimes
Better than a Hallelujah
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes
[From http://www.klove.com/music/artists/amy-grant/songs/better-than-a-hallelujah-lyrics.aspx]

Music That I Like - Blessings by Laura Story

I haven't posted in awhile.  My depression seems to have flared up and it's hard to feel anything.  I've been able to focus more and work the last few days.  Yesterday, I felt myself being mired in bitterness and in resentment.  Resentment toward God and toward me having same gender attraction.  Resentment that my society considers any kind of emotionally intimated relationship between men to be sexual.  The list could go on and on.  I feel a lack of male connection in my life.  I've definitely been isolating, mostly out of habit.  My therapist gave me an 'assignment' to take initiative to do something with a friend at least once a week.  I'm going to see how that goes.

Anyways, the song from today really speaks to me.  Many times, I've found myself 'crying in anger' at God and the world around me, and felt consumed by the hurt and bitterness that I have.  This song somehow touches me, and lets me know that God will find a way to use all my experiences to draw me to Him in love.  Somehow, this song can bypass the bitterness and the depression, and let me feel the longing I have for a connection with God.

Enjoy!



Lyrics:


We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?
[Taken from: http://www.songlyrics.com/laura-story/blessings-lyrics/]

Music That Speaks To My Faith - Praise You In This Storm

Just this week, I had a meeting with my bishop where I had my temple recommend temporarily taken away from me.  After leaving his office, I was an emotional wreck. I was overcome with sadness, frustration, anger, and numbness.  After breathing and driving around, I felt myself come back down to earth, still feeling hurt and like an injustice had been done.  Later that evening, I drove to a friends house.  As I was nearing his house, I heard the song "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns come on the radio.  It was exactly what I needed to hear.



Lyrics:

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus]

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

[Chorus x2]
[Taken from http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/castingcrowns/praiseyouinthisstorm.html] 

This song is beautiful.  I feel like I'm caught in the middle of a storm right now.  Even then, God is on my side.  No matter where I go, or what I do, He continues to be by my side and fight for my soul's salvation.  I had the thought that even if I spend my whole life trying to conform and live up to the church's standards, I can still end up in the celestial kingdom.  It's Heavenly Father who decides where I am able to go, not any one mortal.

This song brings me a lot of comfort.  Even if the storm is of my own making or simply the troubles of life, Heavenly Father is still with me, still loves me, and still advocates the purest of causes for me.  Heavenly Father is the one who gives and takes away.  I feel like He gave me the temple recommend.  Perhaps it was His time to take it away.  I feel like He's given me many great friends, and I feel like He's taken them away.  If I lift my hands to praise Him, and express my gratitude for His blessings, I believe I can find more peace and less bitterness in life.