Worry is quite the interesting beast. He's been paying me visit very often lately. There's been a number of things that I've been worried about. It feels like I have a huge long list of things that have been on my mind lately.
1) I'm worried that I'm in some sort of deep numbness. I've been actually received some healthy touch lately, and I noticed it hasn't felt quite the same way. It's almost like I'm walled off against it. I know I may have some unprocessed trauma around it. It isn't something I'm willing to post up here in public. Part of this worry is that I know touch is a very important thing for me. I still feel like I want it, yet it doesn't seem to help when I do get it.
2) Related to item 1, I noticed that my emotions have been very muted lately, especially ones related to bonding and connection with other people: feeling loved, happiness, peace. I have felt some strong feelings of happiness, peace, and anger. Sadness seems to be oddly absent. I think the last time few times I remember feeling strong emotions was at the therapist and when I was at the temple. This could possibly be a by-product of being sick. Or it could just be a pattern of me detaching from myself.
3) The big worry in my sights right now is a medical test that I am having this week. I can't remember if I posted about the chest pains I've had while working out, or sometimes even while resting. I performed a heart stress test, and my heart is fine. The doctor said it was probably heartburn, so I've been taking a medication for that. Still, the pain has persisted, along with other strange things. I can feel food get 'stuck' in my esophagus. Sometimes my throat will seize up, or go into painful spasms. So, I'm going to get an EGD.
An EGD, or esophagogastroduodenoscopy, is basically where they stick a camera down the person's thraot. I've never had one before, but I've had plenty of horrifying fantasies about it since I first heard of it. I was feeling very nervous and terrified when I first heard about it. Oddly, it's isn't so bad since I learned they will put me under some form of anesthesia. The big worry about it now is paying for it. I don't have money problems frequently, but when I do, it usually causes me to panic. Oddly, I feel very detached from the feeling of panic, but I still find myself trying to calculate how much the procedure will cost and how I'm going to pay for it.
4) On top of all of this, I keep finding myself engaged in what I call 'deviant' behavior. It can be anything from fantasizing about a man, obsessing over them, finding myself looking for triggering pictures, avoiding people that I feel attracted to, or trying to hide myself from the world. It's basically a set of unhealthy behaviors that lead me to not feeling connected with the people around me. This deviant behavior is paired with an obsession over friendship and not feeling like I'm close to anyone.
When I take an honest look, I think all of these things I'm worried about are connected. The fear and worry over the procedure could be shorting out my feelings. That makes me feel like I'm not close to anyone, and leads me to seek that out. Because my feelings aren't working properly, I don't feel like I'm connected and I'm driven to the unhealthy behaviors to try to feel something. Sadly, I'm not quite sure how to break out of the cycle. Thankfully, I have a visit with my therapist tomorrow. Hopefully he can help me sort out parts of it.
I would also appreciate your prayers for the procedure this Wednesday. I'm going to need all the help and assurance I can get. Thank you.