Monday, February 6, 2012

Feeling Off 5Feb2012

Yesterday, I received an interesting e-mail from Innergold Weekly Boost.  At the begging of the e-mail was this quote:

"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life.  But there was always some obstacle in the way.  Something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid.  Then life would begin.  At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."  -Fr. Alfred D'Souza

I read the e-mail before church and I was thinking about it as I sat in Sacrament meeting.  For the last few mornings, I've been waking up feeling tired and with a nasty headache.  This morning seems to be a repeat of the same trend.  Perhaps part of my exhaustion is related to some odd dreams that I've had lately.  Both of these occurred on Saturday night.

In one dream, I friend of mine that I know for a few years was saying critical things of me, over and over and over.  I got tired of it, so I slammed a door shut on him.  That same friend had posted something I thought was really annoying that previous Friday.  I hid the post and then lowered my subscription level on that friend so that I wouldn't see as many of his updates.  Another friend posted something about him hanging out with his 'BFF'.  I hid that post because it was simply to triggering for me.

In another dream from Saturday night, a girl had caught a hold of my finger, and would not let get despite my protests.  Yesterday in Sacrament meeting, the little girl that I live with always caught a hold of my finger and was using it to point at the words as she read.  It was funny for awhile, but after a moment, I was done with it and tried to pull my finger away.  It took some effort and brief protest on my part.  A similar pattern was repeated in Sacrament and then after church with her as well.

I honestly feel a bit disturbed when my dreams seem to have basis in real life.  I do hope some other parts of dreams I've had lately are not going to come true, although most of them seem to be based in things that have been on my mind.  Body shame and desire to see what other men look like has been on my mind a lot.  Probably explains why shirtless men have been showing up repeatedly in my dreams.

What I don't understand is the repeated feeling of headache, tiredness, and upset stomach.  They all seem to be signs of stress.  I have been thinking a lot lately.  Work has been stressful in very odd ways.  Some of it is a different work environment.  I used to work on an LDS Church site and that is very different from the current place that I work.  I also don't feel like I have very many friends at the current work site, or at least people I feel comfortable talking to besides my account manager, who is a very busy man.  The co-worker that sits next to me bothers me in a few different ways.  I find many of the other men I work with attractive but also distant.

There's also the stress about trying to figure out how to get my needs met healthily, live a life in the gospel, and still manage my feelings of attraction.  I've been feeling quite a bit of frustration in that department. In the past when I've gotten healthy touch from guys, my feelings of attraction have literally vanished.  Even though I received quite a bit this last weekend, the feelings are still present, and still bothering me.  I also worry that this drive to receive healthy touch is leading me on the road to acting out.  I find myself thinking that the touch I got wasn't 'enough'.  I worry that will lead me closer and closer to doing something that I will regret later.

Back to the thought that started this post.  I sat in sacrament meeting, with my headache and upset stomach, and realized that pain is one of those obstacles I've been allowing to impede me from feeling like I was living life and being happy.  That's when a quote from Princess Bride entered into my head "Life is pain, princess". That simple reminder reminds me that life is mean to be a trial.  I can't count the number of times I prayed for pain, both emotional and physical, to be taken away, and that prayer has not been answered.  I've found myself praying for the strength to bear the pain, rather than for it to go away.  After that, church was very good.  I felt a sense of belonging there that I haven't felt before.  It started to feel like some of the members cared for me.

Even with the realization, I feel off today.  Yesterday, I found it hard to remember something as simple as my address.  I felt slower than normal.  Today, the same headache and upset stomach has been joined by gum pain.  Sometimes I honestly worry that my body is falling apart, and I don't know quite what to do about that.  I figure it may just be a phase, me getting sick, or simply part of the trail of life.  It could also be some lingering shock from having my car towed.

I realize this post today was pretty random.  When I don't feel well, I struggle to organize things coherently.  A lot of it was things that have been on my mind and worrying me lately.

1 comment:

  1. Have you ever wondered if your need for touch may be an aspect of the same need straight guys have for women? Although it sounds like you're much more attuned to touch than a lot of people, certainly there are a lot of straight guys who seek out opportunities to be close physically with women, cuddling, holding hands, etc, right?

    I bring up the possibility because it seems kind of obvious to me that attractions would initially "vanish" with the excitement of infrequent touch but be followed by increasing attraction and desire to "act out." Guys don't usually talk about this stuff quite so--uh, clinically?--but don't straight guys feel these *same* things for women (with the natural variance of how attuned they are to touch, specifically, of course)? If so, then you should probably watch out so you don't a) lead yourself into temptation or b) drive yourself crazy or give yourself the wrong expectations.

    You know, in "the world" there's a lot of promiscuity, but a lot of LDS single men seem to get through their singleness for long periods without sex by other means, including touch. Just sayin' (and I hate that phrase and it's tone, but I mean it here)...