Thursday, January 12, 2012

Victimization, Defensive Detachment, And Tumm Arising

I couldn't think of a better title for this post.  I had a number of very powerful insights yesterday during my support group.  The day started out pretty bad and ended up being a lot better.

As I went to my support group, I finally got some insight into the fact that I have been victimizing myself quite a bit lately.  I pass a lot of time thinking basically 'Poor me!'  Instead of doing something about the problems and situations that are in front of me, I let myself languish in agony over past hurts and offenses.  I had been feeling lonely, but at the same time I was so focused on the fact that no one was talking to me, that I didn't reach out to talk to others.  I was lonely, and doing nothing but dwelling on the fact that I was lonely.  I was making myself a victim, a martyr if you will. 

During my support group, I realize this, and started to decide that I was tired of making myself the victim.  I was tired of taking the passive route in my life.  I was going to do something.  As I made this resolution, I discovered that my victimization and my defensive detachment are very closely intertwined.  When I become the victim, everyone around me turns into someone that has or will hurt me, and then I withdraw myself to keep myself "safe".  It's a pattern I've followed for so many years.  I've perpetuated the disconnection, the loneliness, and the pain by not connecting to the people around me.  In a sense, I was abusing myself and denying myself what I really needed.

It was interesting the surge of power that I have felt today.  I felt like I got things done!  I had some questions about a internet service providers service and I actually called them up rather than spending time trying to assume what it was like.  I took a step to correct a mistake that I had made.  When I found myself slipping into the 'poor me!' mindset, I quickly reminded myself that I am not a victim.

Sure, I may be hurt.  I may be broken on the inside.  I'm battered, bruised, and wounded.  That doesn't mean that I can't stand up and fight.  I still have my resilience and inner strength.  I can still stand my ground, and I still have the power to choose.  My gift of agency doesn't depend on anything being perfect in my life.  Like I overheard in Primary this last week at church, angency is the power to choose.  As I felt my 'inner Tumm' well up, I felt myself tapping into that power.  It was incredible.  Yesterday night and today are probably the few times in a long time where I've felt Tumm become more 'integrated' into me, instead of him being a totally separate part of me.  It's so weird to feel a 'steeling' of sort inside.  I don't think I've ever felt so strong.

It's been some incredible progress.

Going forward, I'm going to take a more proactive step to reach out for help.  I have many, many wonderful, caring, and loving friends who are willing to listen and help me work through things.

I also realize that this strength comes from my Heavenly Father.  He's the one that gave me the gift of agency and gave me the wonderful gift of life.  When I use this gift He's given me to follow His path, then His power flows through me to touch everything I touch.

Oh, and don't make Tumm angry.  He likes to throw around fire when he gets upset.

P. S. Tumm was first introduced in this post.

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