I couldn't think of a better title for this post. I had a number of very powerful insights yesterday during my support group. The day started out pretty bad and ended up being a lot better.
As I went to my support group, I finally got some insight into the fact that I have been victimizing myself quite a bit lately. I pass a lot of time thinking basically 'Poor me!' Instead of doing something about the problems and situations that are in front of me, I let myself languish in agony over past hurts and offenses. I had been feeling lonely, but at the same time I was so focused on the fact that no one was talking to me, that I didn't reach out to talk to others. I was lonely, and doing nothing but dwelling on the fact that I was lonely. I was making myself a victim, a martyr if you will.
During my support group, I realize this, and started to decide that I was tired of making myself the victim. I was tired of taking the passive route in my life. I was going to do something. As I made this resolution, I discovered that my victimization and my defensive detachment are very closely intertwined. When I become the victim, everyone around me turns into someone that has or will hurt me, and then I withdraw myself to keep myself "safe". It's a pattern I've followed for so many years. I've perpetuated the disconnection, the loneliness, and the pain by not connecting to the people around me. In a sense, I was abusing myself and denying myself what I really needed.
It was interesting the surge of power that I have felt today. I felt like I got things done! I had some questions about a internet service providers service and I actually called them up rather than spending time trying to assume what it was like. I took a step to correct a mistake that I had made. When I found myself slipping into the 'poor me!' mindset, I quickly reminded myself that I am not a victim.
Sure, I may be hurt. I may be broken on the inside. I'm battered, bruised, and wounded. That doesn't mean that I can't stand up and fight. I still have my resilience and inner strength. I can still stand my ground, and I still have the power to choose. My gift of agency doesn't depend on anything being perfect in my life. Like I overheard in Primary this last week at church, angency is the power to choose. As I felt my 'inner Tumm' well up, I felt myself tapping into that power. It was incredible. Yesterday night and today are probably the few times in a long time where I've felt Tumm become more 'integrated' into me, instead of him being a totally separate part of me. It's so weird to feel a 'steeling' of sort inside. I don't think I've ever felt so strong.
It's been some incredible progress.
Going forward, I'm going to take a more proactive step to reach out for help. I have many, many wonderful, caring, and loving friends who are willing to listen and help me work through things.
I also realize that this strength comes from my Heavenly Father. He's the one that gave me the gift of agency and gave me the wonderful gift of life. When I use this gift He's given me to follow His path, then His power flows through me to touch everything I touch.
Oh, and don't make Tumm angry. He likes to throw around fire when he gets upset.
P. S. Tumm was first introduced in this post.