Late Night "Poetry" 4March2015

Sometimes at night 'poetic' things come to mind. Seems like all the things that swirl around my head actually manage to get coalesced into words.  This one seems to stem partially from depression and loneliness, but it does have some streaks of hope in it.

There is no moon.

 There are no stars.

 Just blackness staring down at me.

 The only heartbeat I feel is mine.

 Only my sheets give comfort.

 My dream the one will to go on.

The dream to find a harbor from my mind's storm,

 to find arms to nestle in,

 and gentle loving hands.

 Find a safe place to curl up and finally sleep in peace.

 Safe.

 Secure.

 Sheltered.

 Warm.

The dream is not realized,

 so I must take shelter beneath hope:

 the one comfort that remains.

Don't Let Them In, Don't Let Them See

Many times when I'm talking to people they ask me a common question "Are you out?"  The answer, I've found is 'kind of'.  My family knows about me, a small handful of friends know about me, anyone who reads this blog knows about me, but I still don't feel like I'm 'out'.  What drives that?  Honestly, I'm still terrified of what people would think about me at work or at church (sometimes they feel like one and the same).

I'm still scared to tell people about me.  I'm really worried about what could happen at work or church.  Would people treat me differently? Would I get persecuted?  Would I get rejected?  Would there be even less interaction between people?  Even just the attractions is the tip of the iceberg to what goes on.  All sorts of thoughts from innocent to sinful swirl through my head.  What if they knew?

Many times it makes think of some lyrics from Frozen's "Let It Go".  "Don't let them in. Don't let them see."  Many times I keep myself withdrawn from other people.  I'm afraid what would happen if I let them in close.  From the church community, I fear their judgement of some of the thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs I'm trying to grapple with and understand.  From the gay community, it's a different set of fears.  I'm afraid of their judgement of me choosing not to act on the sexual feelings I have toward men.  Many times I've referred to myself as a 'non practicing gay'.

To speak further on that frustration, physical touch deprivation is something that frequently bothers me.  It's a big challenge.  I could go to church and ask for it from other members of the church.  I fear they either wouldn't understand, or they wouldn't be willing.  Granted, the latter isn't nearly as bad as the former.  If I go to the gay community, it's a different set of challenges.

Me: "I like to cuddle."
Guy: "Cuddling leads to sex."
Me: "I don't want sex."
Guy: "Not interested."
Me: :(

Funny how the 'Cuddling = Sex' formula can show up anywhere.  It even shows up in my mind, no matter how much I hate it.  Personally I like how Cuddle Parties (http://www.cuddleparty.com/) approach the problem.  They set out clear boundaries to keep everyone safe.  The events are strictly non-sexual.  Somehow I wish I could find a sense of safety with other men in my life.

I keep wondering, hoping, wishing that one day I'll find some people that may understand that (and are available for it).  Sometimes all I want is a hug.  Sometimes it's just some strong arms to shelter me from the storms or a shoulder to rest my head on.

It's more than just the touch.  Touch without any kind of emotional connection is empty.  Often times, it's led me to situations and encounters that I've regretted later.  The emotional connection with another person is very difficult for me.  I know that I isolate.  I know I have trouble reaching out and connecting.  (Personally I wonder how my medication can influence this).  Maybe if I was able to develop a stable, emotional connection with another man, maybe the touch issues wouldn't be nearly so pressing.  (My therapist and I have talked about how I jump to physical contact to try to form a connection).

Now that I've written this, I'm scared to hit the publish button.  So many people know about me.  I've found that few people really talk to me about the issue.  It would be nice to have an open and honest discussion, but am I ready to confess how I feel towards other people?  Am I ready to openly share some of the wants that I've had?  The prospects are terrifying, but if you're reading this, then I've probably hit that Publish button anyways.

My Strange Dreams Night of June 26, 2014

I had the strangest dream last night.  Apparently sea salt roasted chickpeas and melatonin have strange interactions.

I woke up in a bed in my parents house, my dad came in and gave me a tray full of things made out of watermelon.  I asked him what it was for, and he said he heard I wasn't feeling well.  It was really nice of him.  Then I put on a shirt, but was still wearing my pajama pants when we all decided to go out to lunch as a family with my sister's family (Aubrey).  One of my nephews was goofing off and fell backwards with his head right next to a brick fireplace.  I asked if he was ok, and he said he was, but he didn't move, and blood started to flow from his cheek.  I picked him up and held him, then rushed him to the hospital.

The doctor was taking a look at him, and I hung around for a few hours, while she talked about different therapy things.  I realized I wanted to go home, but couldn't go anywhere because I didn't have the keys to Synthia.  I wanted to call my dad, and I realized I didn't have my phone on me.  I asked the doctor and she said the hospital had appropriated it, and it wouldn't be available for two weeks.  I was pretty upset.  I kept talking and asking, but she wouldn't relent.  Finally I left to find her director, and went wandering through the hospital.  Apparently his office was above the library, so I started walking and it was a huge spiraling amphitheater thing that went up and up.  there were all these rooms were people were having piano recitals.  One guy said he wish he didn't have to go.   Finally I got up and asked some people who were heading down what was up there, and they said more rooms, so I decided to go back down.

I walked down and my family was waiting there, and I was wearing my work pants.  I reached into my back pocket and found a random phone that I realized I could swap out with my phone.  I couldn't leave, even though I had my keys, because I really needed my phone.  I went back to the doctor, who was suprised about the miraculous appearance of another phone, so I traded it out and got my phone back.

My phone had all this tape on it that I needed to scrape off, so I went to the hospital front room and was scraping red paint off of white pottery tea pots, when a lady approached me and told me not to be doing that.  So I walked out, and found a UPS store.  I asked if they had anything to clean off phone screens, and he took me into the back and started trying to sell me on buying a GPS.  He handed it to me, and I realized he was probably on commission sales for this, but then realized I should buy something I didn't need out of pity.

North Star Conference 2014 - Nuggets of Wisdom

North Star International had a conference over the weekend.  The first of its kind!  North Star International is an organization that promotes members of the LDS church who experience same gender attraction to keep and live the covenants and commitments of the gospel. (Learn more here).  Needless to say, it is a wonderful organization.

The conference was also wonderful.  I only attended the Saturday session (had to work on Friday).  I was able to learn some great information.  Only two things have really stuck in my head. Maybe because they were some of the more insightful things that I'd love to integrate into my life.

Feelings
One of the workshops talked about compulsive sexual behaviors (although arguably it could be applied to any compulsive behavior).  In talking about the cycle of compulsive behavior, the instructor talked about feelings.  Feelings are actually how the mind seeks to heal itself.  "Negative" feelings are things that we are often taught to suppress.  I remember thinking growing up "Well, boys don't cry" or "I don't want to get angry. Getting angry is bad!".  Really, anger and sadness are how my brain was trying to cope or heal through things.  Ignoring or suppressing feelings leads to disassociation (or apathy) which can lead to compulsive behavior.

Life lesson: I need to feel my feelings not ignore them (or bury them under video games).

Solitude and Community
I wish I had taken better notes during the last keynote speaker.  He was speaking about a pattern that the Savior showed in his life.  First, the Lord went into the mountains to pray. Second, He called his apostles.  Third, He reached out to minister to others.

The speaker went on to say how important alone time with God can be.  It is alone with God that we learn what our worth is.  We learn of His love for us.  He then spoke that an individual can then create community with other individuals who know what their worth is.  He said the purpose of a community was not to teach the individuals that they were beloved of God.

That hit me pretty profoundly.  I realized I was looking to other people, to community, to feel loved and wanted.  I've been looking for love in the wrong place!  It's God who can help me find that feeling of being loved.  Then, I can reach out and form meaningful friendships with other people around me.

I thought these were some interesting points.  I hope that they are able to help some of you out too.

It was also awesome to see my parents there.  They're awesome too. :)

I Have A Pet Black Dog

I watched a really interesting video the other day about depression.  Some of you readers may know that I experience depression.  I thought the video was really insightful into how it can feel and how it can influence me.  I hope that it helps all of you understand this better.




I haven't been posting much lately here on this personal blog.  I guess I haven't had much to say.  Life has been a blur.  Thanksgiving came and went.  Work has been pretty sporadic. Some weeks are calmish and others are really stressful.  For the most part, I'm just trying to hold it all together.

Take care.
-Andrew

New Perspective

It's been a long while since I've blogged on here.  A long time indeed.  I can admit that a large part of that was probably due to pride.  I've been afraid to share what has been really going on in my life.  I know that I've been wearing a mask, and not admitting to people, even my closest of friends, some of the deep struggles I have been going through.

In summary, I have been under a lot of stress.  My depression seems to be wanting to come back.  I've been struggling with loneliness.  I've been over indulging in playing video games.  I've gone to work tired and left exhausted.  I've felt annoyed by my co-workers and by working.  I've been struggling to stay on task.  On top of it all, I haven't been diligent in my scripture studies and my prayers.  I've tried reaching out to friends, but I kept thinking 'this just isn't helping'.

To make matters more complicated, I made a rather grave mistake last week.  I will not go into details here (it is something rather personal).  I can say that there may be far reaching consequences.  I spent a good deal of the weekend feeling numbness, regret, sadness.  Going to church and serving in my calling was difficult.  I did manage to stay most of the 3 hour block.  I left just after the sacrament had been passed.  I am really uncertain what all of the consequences for my actions will be.  I feel that I do have to face them head on.

Last night, after another soul wrenching feeling of despair, I realized that I needed to change some things in my life.  First off, I really need to reduce the amount of video games I'm playing, especially at work.  I also need to reduce my YouTube watching at work, and reduce the amount of foul language and other cruddy content I'm putting into my brain.  I need to seek out wholesome activities.  I want to stop feeling like all my free time is 'busy' with video games.  I want to be the sort of person who can drop a video game to go to a church meeting or to interact with a friend.  I want to drop the priority that they have taken in my life.  Second, I want to start putting God first.  I'm not entirely sure how it is going to work out.

Last, but not least, I want to try to stop stressing out so much.  I remember hearing once that 'Stress comes from arguing with reality'.  I know I've been doing a lot of stressing and hence, a lot of arguing with reality.  Thoughts like 'I should be perfect', 'I shouldn't have any doubts about the church', 'I should have a fervent, burning testimony', 'I should want to help out other people' have not been helping me.  Instead, they have been draining my energy and leaving me feeling hopeless, angry, frustrated, annoyed, or even numb.  I know the root of some of those ideas are positive.  There are many righteous desires in there!  I think the key word that I need to eliminate from my thoughts is 'should'.  Should indicates duty, obligation, or correctness.  Should steals away my agency.  When I say 'I should like the color green', I've mentally taken away my ability to not like the color.  I do not want to use 'shouldy' thinking anymore.

Instead, I want to have a fervent testimony.  I want to help out other people.  I want to place God at a top priority in my life.  I want to have meaningful, deep friendships with other men in my life (and possible women).  I want to fully live the gospel, the true gospel.  I want to let go of faulty beliefs I have around the gospel, the church, God, the Atonement, and many other things.  I still want to play video games.  I just want them not to be my defining feature anymore.

Like I said in a recent Facebook post, a D&D character partially helped me receive the inspiration to change my perspective on life.  The character is a cleric and he worships the 'Elder' or 'Father' god.  He is a firm believer in fate.  If someone dies, then they were meant to die.  If his healing manages to save them, they were meant to be saved.  In fact, on of his most common lines is 'it was meant to be'.  He is free from stressing over the past.  He is free to live in the present and to make choices as he sees fit.  Overall, he's one of my favorite characters to play.  Well, the fact that he can pretend to be a really big dog kind of makes him fun to role play.

That aside, I love you all.  I pray we can all continue on this journey called life, and can find the true joy and happiness that comes from doing what we know is good, right, and just.

My mission is to build a world of light, love, and truth.

Come Share In My Hobby - New YouTube channel!

Those of you who are new to the blog may not know of my passion for video games.  I've actually even enjoyed it to the point of watching other people play through the game and make commentary.  I decided to try out doing the same thing myself.  I'm still really knew to it.  I laugh at my own voice and jokes many time. I've really enjoyed doing it.

So, if any of you share in that passion, feel free to check me out on youtube!
http://www.youtube.com/user/Beutimus <- Click here! :)

Oh, and video games have been eating up most of my time, and friends.  I probably could due to put up a status update here sometime soon.

Music that Speaks to Me: Jesus, Friend of Sinners

I'll just preface this, by saying that I really relate to the first verse of this song.

(You'll have to watch this one directly on YouTube)


I'll admit to a deep dark secret.  I'm a very judgmental person.  In some ways, I am idealist.  I have idea of how thing are supposed to be and how people are 'supposed' to act.  I find myself pointing the finger of judgment to the people around me.

That person should not have made that left turn!
That person ran a red light! (Traffic violations tend to be a pet peeve of mine)
That person took advantage of me!
The people around me don't befriend me!
That person just won't leave me alone!

Just some examples of the sort of things that go through my head.  I often find myself repenting in the car and feeling guilty for judging the people around me so harshly.  Perhaps that judgmental attitude keeps me from getting close to other people.  Instead of opening my arms to help, I'm pointing a finger at them and keep them at bay.

I've been trying to be aware of this.  Instead of thinking that a person is an idiot for running a red light, I try to say 'That action was idiotic."  I try to separate behaviors from the worth and goodness that people have in them.

I'm one to complain that people in the church aren't very Christlike, that they are judgmental, unfriendly, and distant.  I am a hypocrite.  I am the one that is mean, judgmental, unfriendly, distant, and cold to the people at Church.  If I want the church to be Christlike, loving, and friendly, then perhaps I should be the one to be loving, kind, and friendly.  Perhaps if I am that way, I can make a small change in the world.  And that small change would be me.

Feel free to leave comments, questions, confessions, etc, below.  Comments are moderated, but I read them all.

My Strange Dreams - Night of 21Mar2013

I'm surprised I even slept!  I went to bed late, and woke up at 2.  I couldn't figure out for the life of me for the longest time, with my sleep fogged brain, why I was waking up.  Then I realized it was because I was super hot!  After resolving that, I collapsed into sleep again.

I dreamed.

It was snowing.  We were all out shoveling our driveway.  The next door neighbor  and elderly couple, was out there shoveling too.  My mom stated that she wished she had a snow blower like the couple next door.  I looked over and they were shoveling   I commented on that.  Finally, when we were nearly done, the couple got out their snow blower to blow off what little snow was left on their driveway.  I thought it was funny they were doing it like that.  It was warm, and the snow was melting everywhere.  I took a big pile of snow, and threw it off into the middle of the street.  My little brother picked up another pile, and was about to throw it onto our grass when I said 'No!  Throw it out into the street!  It will melt faster that way'.  So he did.  We finished throwing all the piles of snow into the street.

My little brother and his wife and I were all going to some kind of play/choir event.  My little brother told me that he had set me up with a girl, and that she was pretty aggressive.  I went and sat down next to her.  I remember she had long, straight brown hair and was wearing jeans.  As soon as I sat down, she said 'I wish I was having a back massage.'  I looked at her and said 'No thanks'.  I was feeling a little ticked off because she was being so forward.  Then she just turned in her seat and placed her legs into my lap.  I was quite shocked and angry at that.  Again I said 'No thanks'.  She then sat up.  She looked pretty angry too.  She leaned in close to me and said 'Wouldn't it hurt to let someone in close?  Are you afraid of being hurt again?' At that point, I felt my anger dissolve into sadness and hurt.  I told myself that she couldn't understand, and I tried to think of how I would explain why I felt so hurt and cared about close relationships.  Eventually, I just got up and left.

My Strange Dreams 21-22Feb2013

It's been a long while since I've posted up some of the weird dreams I get.  Here goes:

I was at my grandparents house, and there were some people attacking the house with guns.  I don't think they ever fired, but they were invading our house.  Someone told me to run, so I ran to the back of the house and tried to find somewhere to hide.  I skirted around a concrete structure and ended up hiding on the other side of a trampoline by laying in the grass.  I knew I was in plain site, and I didn't move at all.  I was terrified they would find me.  Then they showed up.  One of the men had an assault rifle.  They just walked past me, and didn't seem to acknowledge me.  Then they told my grandfather that this was just a drill, and that this would happen if he defied them.

I was in the back of a black SUV.  The driver was a big man who looked like the 'Rock'.  We were driving at a normal pace when I noticed a school bus behind us swerve to the right and start driving on a road parallel to ours.  Apparently, serial killers were being sent to kill us.  I was scared.  The driver said something about the bus trying to get ahead of us, so he kept driving faster and faster as I felt more and more fear.  Finnally the bus pulled back in behind us.  I looked back at the bus, and saw that the serial killer was a woman with brownish red hair.  I tried to pretend to shoot a gun at her with my fingers, but she just smiled at that.  At some point, there was a collision, and I was out of the SUV.  I just laid on the ground and pretended to be dead.  At one point the serial killer, was standing by me, but I did my best to hold still, breath lightly, and keep my eyes from blinking so I looked dead.  She then walked away.  I thought I heard faint sounds of someone fighting, and the big guy from before came back.  I pulled myself up, and he said something that I would always be my own predator (speaking about my fear and cowardice).  We were then at a place to spend the night.  There was only one twin bed.  I was still pretty worked up, and I really wanted the big guy to just put his arms around me as we went to be so I could feel safe enough to fall asleep.  I never mustered up the courage to ask, and just felt anxious about it.

Then we were in a hallway, and he had to go into a meeting with two other guys to talk about things.  He told me to stay outside.  I was bored, so I wondered down the hall to a men's restroom.  As I approached, two different girls walked in and then walked out.  Feeling nervous, I moved all the way to the end urinal to use it.   Reminded me of an earlier portion of the dream where there were stalls right next to each other, but the walls were really low.  Two married couples were having a conversation while sitting, fully clothed, on the toilet seats.

[Begin earlier dream]
Earlier in the week I had a dream that I was back at a high school.  It was between classes, and I wandered in a locker room simply to be there and see the other guys.  At one point, I did get undessed, then I noticed that there were a bunch of young men and women having some sort of activity in the locker room.  Still naked, I walked around the locker room and apparently into a store that was a part of the school.  I wandered the articles, trying to keep myself covered, and searched for a place to change.  At one point, someone walked by and said that being naked in the school was against the rules.  Then I found another guy who helped me find the locker room again.  I went in, and found that the activity was still going on.  I tried a stall, but the floor was covered in water and I didn't want to change there.  Then, I kept searching and found a really dark hallway that I wandered down.  I kept walking, and didn't see anyone.  I stopped at a turn in the hallway, and considered the spot for dressing.  A door behind me opened briefly and then slammed shut. I was pretty scared about that.
[End dream]

I was back in the bedroom, and instead of the previous big guy that I had been with, it was another guy.  I got into my pajamas and tried to sleep, but it was too hot and I was sweaty.  The other guy got into bed fully clothed.  I thought that was weird.

There was a closet that we opened, and there was a box that tried to shoot something at us.  I waved my hand and deflected whatever it was with my mind.  Now, I had the ability to deflect things with my mind, and I was a girl.  We were trying to find something that other people wanted.  If they knew, then we would get killed.  The door opened, and a man pointed a gun at me.  I made the same gesture and knocked the gun to point away from me.  Then we realized he was friendly and we went to some kind of gala food event.

Apparently it was for a nation, and they were excited about finding the thing.  After an announcement, we all looked up to see a bunch of white bird with purple feathery things around them.  Everyone was shouting excitedly as the birds were released to fly away.  Then trains of white flying horses (called white dolphins) were leaving with small kids riding on them.

Then someone had figured it out.  A guy with a sword came up to a post and spun around, releasing energy in a spin attack that generated 10,000,000 EU, apparently what was needed to activate the post.

---

Yeah, It was some really weird dreams.  Honestly, it feels like the dreams were teasing or taunting me in some fashion, or possibly I've just been obsessing about some things too much.

Music That I Like: Keep Holding On

I have to say, it's been kind of an interesting ride since my last post.  Christmas was great!  I actually wasn't sick for once (although I did have a nasty headache, that doesn't count, right?).  I've moved into a new ward, and it's been very interesting.  It takes me awhile to warm up and make friends, so it's a matter of me continually trying to be there and be present.

This last week has been pretty rough.  After a visit with my therapist, my massage therapist, and a pretty vulnerable post to the ward's Facebook group, I was feeling the effects of a 'vulnerability hangover'.  Yesterday, a co-worker brought up the whole BSA policy thing regarding homosexuals   I will not get into the politics of it here.  After our conversation, I was so upset, I had to leave work.  I was crying really hard (I'm glad I got home in one piece).  I spent the rest of the day exhausted.  Things are now resolved and much better at work now.  Honestly, I think it was just another blessing.  It helped me get in touch with some sadness I've been ignoring for the past year or two.

That being said, the song I want to share today is all about enduring and holding on.  I know the Savior frequently holds out his hand to me.  Weathering the storm requires that I keep on holding on to it. Enjoy!

Have I Given Up?

While playing a game the other day, another player dealt me a pretty nasty blow, that left me in a rather crippled position.  Rather than stick it out to see if I could still somehow manage to scrape through the game, I opted to leave at that moment, mostly because I wasn't enjoying the game all that much (being behind in a game can make me irritable at times).  At the time, I thought of how manly I was at speaking my mind and cutting my losses.  Afterward, I felt very guilty for leaving the game the way I did (in a huff).  Somehow, it made me feel like how I approach life: if things get difficult, there's a good chance I'm going to simply give up on the thing, even if it's something good for me.  Friend gets married, I give up.  Too hard to continue interacting with them.  Friend moves away.  Give up.  Too hard.

I'm saying this, because I feel like I've 'given up' in a sense on my healing journey.  I'm exhausted.  I'm worn out.  I regularly engage in numbing and isolating behavior   I build emotional walls between me and the people I spend time with.  Two years ago and two months, I went to Journey Into Manhood.  I was regularly talking with people.  I had a good friendship with another man forming.  I was participating in a community, reaching out to other men.  Giving, growing, and learning.  I was connecting and getting my male to male needs met.  I was even starting to feel sparks of attraction toward a girl I've known since elementary school.

Fast forward a year.  I was barely even talking to this friend.  I had deeply distanced myself from him.  I was slipping into depression.  I had given up on our friendship because it had become very difficult and painful for me (I was overdependent on him).  Fast forward another year.  I came close to acting out with a good friend of mine.  I acted out with four other times with men.  I nearly gave up going to church multiple times.  My depression worsened and I started taking medication.  I grew very isolated.  I've become bitter.  My same gender attraction has become very strong.  I feel a sense of shame as I compulsively check out people to see if they are attractive.  I struggle daily with inappropriate thoughts that are highly distracting.  In short, I almost feel like I've given up.

On a surface level, I try to look confident, as un-needy as possible.  I try to appear aloof.  I often get snappy.  I'm nearly always tired.  Inside, I just want to cry, or act out, or have the nearest object of my lust hold me and help me feel loved.  Guilt and shame seem to be with me nearly every waking moment.  I struggle with feeling connected.

I feel like I'm stuck between two choices: continue to resist (and struggle with acting out), or simply give in.  Honestly, the latter is highly undesirable.  I know there is at least one more choice: open up.  Start to connect again and let the wounds heal.  Forgive, and let the poison seep out.  It...it feels very difficult to open up.  Two years ago, it was very natural, if scary for me.  Now, it is so terrifying I clam up at the thought of doing it.

On the bright side, I've also felt a stirring in my breast.  I've felt the Spirit working on me.  I've had moments where my selfishness abates and I feel genuine pain, empathy, and caring toward other people.

It means I haven't quite given up yet, despite how hard the journey is.  Still, I'm afraid of opening up and being vulnerable.  Almost mortally afraid.  I know it can hurt again.

New LDS Church website

Just this last week, the LDS church released a new website called "Mormons and Gays".  Needless to say, I was quite ecstatic about it (and promptly started sharing it on various forms of social media).  I think it is a wonderful step forward by the church to reach out to everyone who may be influenced by the issue of same gender attraction.  It's a website for those who experience it, their friends, their families, and their ward members.  Overall, I think it teaches the lesson that all people need to be treated with love and kindness.

That aside, I haven't posted anything on here in about 2 months.  They've been kind of rough.  Last week, things have started to calm down somewhat.  I was able to move into new place, and I started attending a local singles ward.  I can tell that I'm trying to isolate and not get too involved there.  I got a new massage therapist, who has been excellent with helping me work through some personal issues.  I'm continuing to attend church.  Helps that one of my new roommates also goes to the same ward.

I encourage all of you to check out the new site!

Music That Speaks To Me - Stand in the Rain

The song from today is one that I relate to very well.  I've often found that when I'm with other people, especially friends, I feel alright.  When I leave, I find that I feel like I'm slowly falling apart.  And if I've learned anything in life, standing up to my trials often gets me through them faster than simply running from them.

Enjoy!




Lyrics:


She never slows down.
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down.

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
Stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found

[CHORUS]
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

[Lyrics from http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/superchick/standintherain.html]

Music That Speaks To Loss - Winner Takes It All by Abba

I remember a pattern happening to me in college many times.  At the start of a semester, I would meet about five new room mates.  Sometimes I would hit it off with them, many times I would find myself enjoying time with them.  However, it seemed like with the ones I enjoyed being with the most, something always inevitably would happen.  They would find a girlfriend.  When that would happen, it would almost be like my new friend had died.  I would hardly see them, hardly be able to interact with them.  A friend gaining a girlfriend was almost always accompanied by a huge feeling of loss for me.  It was even worse if they got married and there was a similar feeling of loss when the semester ended and we all moved out.

One song kind of helps capture that feeling of loss, especially since it was a loss that essentially felt out of my control.  Sometimes it feels like friendships are subject to cosmic 'tosses of the dice'.

Enjoy "The Winner Takes It All" by Abba.



Lyrics:


I don't wanna talk
About the things we've gone through
Though it's hurting me
Now it's history
I've played all my cards
And that's what you've done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser's standing small
Beside the victory
That's a destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I'd be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It's simple and it's plain
Why should I complain.

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always stay in love
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I don't wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
You've come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all...

[Taken from http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/abba/thewinnertakesitall.html]

Official NorthStar announcement

I've been off the grid for a bit.  I don't have very much more new information to share.  I can say that I've discovered (or rediscovered) that a lot of my frustration toward life is the fact that many of my beliefs are in conflict with my feelings of attraction toward men.  I do think that many of these 'beliefs' I have are lies masquerading as religious teachings.

In a conversation with my therapist, I told him "I don't ever remember learning that having feelings of attraction toward men was bad."  That's when he responded with "Well, that's because it's church doctrine." It was at that point that I realized that the adversary had probably whispered that lie to me and I had believed it, and taken it for truth.  I'm very excited to see what could happen when I start to uproot that lie.

That aside, I would like to pass along an official announcement made by Northstar.  Northstar is a community dedicated to helping members of the LDS church to work through or managed feelings of same gender attraction without sacrificing gospel values. It's been a very valuable community for me to be a part of.

They've started a 'Voices of Hope' project to encourage those who are trying to live their faith and who also experience feelings of same gender attraction.  I think that it is a wonderful idea.  There are many other voices out there that call for people to leave their beliefs and their religion in order to 'embrace' their feelings and become 'happy'.  I hope that the Voices of Hope will help encourage people to find peace inside of the teachings of the gospel.

Here is the link.  Enjoy!  http://northstarlds.org/community/voicesofhope/

Excited - Guild Wars 2!!

I realize I haven't posted in a long while.  Part of that is do the fact that I can't think of anything all that new or interesting to write about.  Another part is that I've been writing posts on two other blogs.  I participate in the Northern Lights blog and write once a week for the Mormon Geeks blog.  I highly recommend checking both of them out.

Something new with me is that I tried out hypnotherapy for the first time.  It's actually helped a great deal with my anxieties with life.

On the Mormon Geeks blog, I'm going to start writing up about my trip to GenCon 2012 about once a week.  I was really excited to go to GenCon, mostly because we would be finishing a play-by-email Dungeons and Dragons game that I've been playing in for over 3  years.  I felt a bit anxious about the trip, but everything went smoothly (despite my water bottle being taken away by the TSA people :'(  ).  Arguable the only unpleasant thing about the trip was all the people I found myself attracted to on the trip.

Today, I'm feeling really excited.  Guild Wars 2 is coming out next week!  I never really played the first Guild Wars until I participated in the Guild Wars 2 beta weekend and fell in love with the game.  Guild Wars took a little longer for me to fall in love with, but I've been playing it quite a bit in preparation for Guild Wars 2.  There are a number of unlockable items in Guild Wars 2 based on things done in Guild Wars.  So far, I've unlocked 10 of 30 of those items. (You can track my 'progress' here).

That aside, keep a lookout on Mormon Geeks on Tuesdays for my posts about my adventures at GenCon!

Also, if you are a Guild Wars 2 player, I'm going to be playing on the Henge of Denravi server.  See you all later!

Edited: Actually going to be playing on the Gate of Madness server.  Someone else I know might be on that one.

Edited again: I'm actually on the Yak's Bend server.  Turns out a community of LDS gamers is on there (http://www.mormonbattalion.cc)

Hey Could You...

As a brief personal update, things have been going alright for me.  I participated in a very enjoyable beta test for the game Guild Wars 2, and I've been enjoying playing Diablo III.  I've also had some fun playing the XBox 360 version of Minecraft (you can see some of my musings on the game here).  I've been finding that I'm still experience some anger over some things that happened a few months ago.  I feel frustrated when people ask me about dating or when family ask me about girls I know.  I still have feelings of being misunderstood.  I have been experiencing some loneliness, but it's not nearly as intense as it has been in the past.  I had an excellent birthday party with parents and friends.  We played a lot of Magic.  It was a blast.  And oddly, the song from this post keeps running through my head.

Also, I've been become more keenly aware of how often I find myself "checking out" the men around me.  I feel an odd mixture of disgust and fear about it.  Sometimes I'm able to tell myself "Hey, this is a co-worker, you shouldn't be looking at them like that!".  Other times I feel ashamed about it, and I'm afraid that the person will know what I'm doing.  Part of the reason is that I somehow want to connect with the other man.  I want to feel his equal, or I want his affection/attention/love.  I try to tell myself that "I am a man too".  I've found that the idea that I am "less than" a man has crept back into my thoughts and it definitely is influencing my behavior.

So, I don't think I've touched on this topic before, but I have a deep fear of being asked to do things.  I recently received a new calling to teach in my Elder's Quorum on the second Sunday's.  I was terrified to accept.  When I did it, the experience was very enjoyable.  Many times I've been asked to speak in church, and I've always been terrified.  Although I shake like crazy when I do it, most of the talks come out alright.  I've been asked to participate in a number of other blogs, and I always feel that fear of 'Will I do a good enough job?' or 'Will people like me?'.   Yesterday, a member of the bishopric called me up and asked me to speak this Sunday in church.  Immediately, my mind raced about how unworthy I was and my body broke out into a cold sweat.  After a few moments of brain lock, my mind finally started working and I said yes.  I've been dreading the speaking assignment ever since (it hasn't even been 24 hours!).  I guess I suffer from performance anxiety.  I feel like I have to do an excellent job at what I do.  Or I just don't like that many people watching me at once.

Oh well, I'll survive.

Music That Speaks To Me - Better Than A Hallelujah by Amy Grant

I was driving in this morning, and this song came to play on the radio.  Lately, I've been struggling a lot with my faith.  I've adopted a somewhat apathetic approach toward the church, partially because I've felt misunderstood in something.  I had made a risk, a misguided attempt to make things 'work' that fell outside of the lines of the gospel.  Many times when I've shared it, I felt like I didn't get a chance to fully explain what had been going on or why I did what  I did.

That aside, I've felt a lot of anger, rebelliousness, and bitterness.  I'm surprised that I still go to church each week sometimes.  I've actually felt a lot less stress about life and my attractions in general.  I don't know if that's related to my general sense of apathy toward the church.  On the other hand, I've felt a better sense of connection toward my ward.  I don't feel as much shame being around the other elder's in the quorum.  I'm really excited about a new calling that I have to teach in the Elder's Quorum.

This morning, I also had a strange dream.  I was at some kind of part or gathering.  A man was speaking.  I remember I found him somewhat attractive and that he was a straight (opposite gender attraction) person.  I remember him stating that he didn't mind touching and holding men.  I remember feeling very drawn to that.  Mostly because it was something that I've felt cravings for in the past.  Some kind of safe, nonsexual connection with another man.  In the dream, I never mustered up the courage to go ask the man if he would be willing to hold me.

This song is about those prayers that come from the bitter, broken, or hurt places of people's lives and hearts.  I think it's a beautiful song, reminding me that Heavenly Father loves to hear about my misery as well as my joy.  He wants to hear about my heartache and what makes my heart whole.  In short, He wants to hear everything I have to say to Him, because He loves me.

Lyrics:

God loves a lullaby 
In a mother's tears in the dead of night 
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes. 
God loves the drunkard's cry, 
The soldiers plea not to let him die 
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes. 


We pour out our miseries 
God just hears a melody 
Beautiful the mess we are 
The honest cries of breaking hearts 
Are better than a Hallelujah. 


The woman holding on for life, 
The dying man giving up the fight 
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes 
Tears of shame for what's been done, 
The silence when the words won't come 
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes. 


We pour out our miseries 
God just hears a melody 
Beautiful the mess we are 
The honest cries of breaking hearts 
Are better than a Hallelujah.


Better than a church bell ringing, 
Better than a choir singing out, singing out.


We pour out our miseries 
God just hears a melody 
Beautiful the mess we are 
The honest cries of breaking hearts 
Are better than a Hallelujah.


We pour out our miseries 
God just hears a melody 
Beautiful the mess we are 
The honest cries of breaking hearts 
Are better than a Hallelujah.


Better than a Hallelujah sometimes
Better than a Hallelujah
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes
[From http://www.klove.com/music/artists/amy-grant/songs/better-than-a-hallelujah-lyrics.aspx]

If You Only Knew

Just as a disclaimer, this post is more referring to my thoughts.  It isn't directed toward any one particular person.  In fact, it's more directed toward many different people.  Mostly, it's me just venting things that come on my mind that I feel like giving a voice.

****

If you only knew what went on inside my head.  What if you knew that I was attracted to you?  What if you knew that my eyes tended to wander to you?  What if you knew that I liked how you look?  What would you do?  Would you shun me? Reject me? Be afraid and awkward around me?  How I wish at times that I could just touch you and not feel uncomfortable about it, to reach out and connect and not accuse myself of acting on lust.  You may never know how good it is to see you smile at me.  You may never know how I felt that time you randomly came up and rubbed my shoulder, or patted me on the back.  You may never know how enamored I became with you, or how secretly obsessed I became with you.  If you did know, would you still act the same around me?  What if you knew I wanted to hug you?  Or that I enjoyed the feel of your arms around me?

If you only knew, how I felt with you around.  How afraid I was because of the feelings I had for you.  Or how little I cared for what you were saying, or even for you.  How afraid I feel that you would found out how little I really cared for you.  Or how sad I was that we couldn't connect.  Or sometimes the wild fantasies I have with you in them.  Or how many times I wondered what you looked like without a shirt on.  Or how hesitant I am to spend time with you because of how attracted I feel for you.  Or how many times I questioned if I was trying to be my friend because I liked you or because I "liked" you.

If you only knew how I felt the last time I saw you.  The shock at seeing you, the grief, the fear, the rage.  How I watched you to avoid you.  How I felt the piercing anger of your glare.  How distraught I felt afterward.  How much seeing you remind me of my past and how manipulative I've been in the past and my fear that I continue to live and breathe the same lies that have cloaked from so early in my life.

If you only knew how misunderstood I felt, or the pain I've felt.  Or how many times I've let my unrealistic expectations get dashed.  Or how many times I haven't cared.  Or how many times I've cried over you, or over me wanting to connect with you.  Or how many times I've felt like shaking my fist at the heavens only to find the finger of blame to be pointing at me.

I don't know if I could ever explain in words how much it means when you contact me or talk to me.  The little inside jokes.  The ability to say and act how I feel is right.  Understanding when I feel down.  If you only knew how much more I wish I could spend time with you or talk to you.

If you only knew.

****

Thanks for reading!