Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Insight 28Mar2012

It's been a pretty interest past week for me.  I've been gaining a lot of interesting insights into me and life in general.  Some of them were shared in the 'Worth of Tools' post I made last week.  Here's a list of some more that I've gotten.

In talking with my sister:

Repentance is more than changing behavior.  Repentance is changing how I think.  How I think is really the sum of who I am.  It's what really matters at the end of the day.  How I look is temporary, but how I think about how I look has much more significance and importance.

In talking with a man from the ward:

Labels and stigma only divide.  If we are to 'mourn with those who mourn', we need to be united.

In talking with my therapist:

Friendships are not based off of the two friends using each other.  It's based off of the two people sharing what they like with each other.  It's based off of two people reaching out to support and help each other.

My therapist and I talked about how common interests often help draw friends together.  I tried to compare two different people I knew.  One of them, I enjoy spending time with.  The other, I don't like spending time with.  I have things in common with both of them.  The difference is that one friend seems to give and share.  The other seems to take and drain.  Probably explains why one friendship still seems viable and I need space from the other person.

Isolation is something that has hurt my ability to make friends.  If I'm not sharing or being open to other people, how am I to make friends?

We talked about my Elder's Quorum president a bit.  I stated that I had written a letter to him, talking about how I had same gender attraction.  My therapist suggested that I would need to talk to him in person, and that it would be a form of conflict.  I said that it was more me taking a risk and being vulnerable.  He then smiled and stated that the conflict was with myself, rather than with the Elder's Quorum president.  That's when I remarked back, half joking, but half truthfully that I was tired all the time because I was always in conflict with myself.

One of the most powerful insights I got from the therapist was that I was trying to derive a sense of self worth from being touched  rather than having the touch affirm or validate my value.  As I talked with another friend, I realized that I craved touch and become addicted in a sense to it because I must have a sense of self worth.  If I don't feel of worth without being touched, I'm going to be constantly pursuing touch.  On the other hand, if my worth is independent of that, then I can simply enjoy receiving touch, without it determining if I'm of worth or not.

It may be a bit jumbled, but those are some insights I've gotten into myself and life.  I hope you enjoy!

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